Original subtitles

- PAT: Aw, so cute. Cary, lean in.

Brookie, hold Chasey so he doesn't fall.

Let's get that bottle out of there,

we don't want that bottle in the photo.

Okay, say "Cheese!"

- PHOTOGRAPHER: Aw, hell yeah, you guys are killing it,

that is so fucking hot.

And let's get that bottle in there,

need that bottle in the photo.

Okay, say "Voss." - Voss!

- PAT: Okay, great, and now with just my two stars,

Brookie and Cary.

- PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, great, and now just my two stars,

Chase and the water.

- PAT: Ugh, that's perfect, this is going right in a frame.

- PHOTOGRAPHER: Let me get the other two out of frame.

A little further.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

- ♪

- Can you believe this is a birthday party

for a 14-year-old?

- I know, my 14th birthday party was gumball themed,

we just, like, ate different gums, this is way better.

- That actually sounds so nice right now.

- Did I tell you that Jeremy guy's coming?

- Wait, the drama teacher from Jersey?!

- Yeah, he's in the city,

I spent, like, literally all day preparing.

- Your butt? - Yeah.

I haven't eaten in 12 hours, I'm fucking starving.

- You promise he's gay?

This isn't just another roommate situation?

- Yeah, he's--he's definitely gay,

I'm really excited about this 'cause, like, when we first met,

I was all depressed about my career,

but now I'm...I'm definitely gaining traction.

- Well, your bouffant is certainly blonder.

- GIRL: Tiana, wait! - TIANA: I am waiting!

- You're not waiting, you're walking.

- Oh, my god, who are all of these people?

I gave Streeter the smallest guest list.

I gotta go find him.

- Alright, I gotta go, uh...

check my butthole in the bathroom, I guess.

- CHASE: Hey, Brooke. - Excuse me!

What is that?! Where did you get that?!

- They just had it over here for me.

- No! Give me that, give it. Absolutely not.

You're not drinking alcohol tonight, you're 14.

Plus, you're contractually obligated to drink Voss.

- ♪

- Mom. - Cary.

- CARY: There you are.

- Do I have permission to have fun tonight?

- What? - PAT: As you know,

this is my year of yes! - I'm very aware.

- I don't want you and Brookie to be mad.

- Why would we be mad? It's a party.

- Okay, good, I took Molly. - What?

- Mona gave it to me. - Hi, I'm Mona.

- CARY: Hi. - I really love your mom.

- Mona said that I deserved it 'cause I've worked really hard

and I've raised three children and I deserve it.

- Well, you're still raising one.

- Don't worry, 'cause it was, like, a super small dose,

and she can handle it, 'cause this lady's a rock star.

- Mona, I wanna go over there. - Okay, let's go. [giggles]

- ♪

- Streeter. Streeter. Who are all these people?

Where are any of our friends?

- Parties aren't about friends, Brooke,

they're about making sure

strangers know that you have one,

and that's why I invited all of New York's hottest's daughters.

Look here, there's Esther Lay, the chip heiress,

and Tiffany Glad, trashbag heiress.

Natalie Kleenex, she's not a daughter, she's just rich.

- Yeah, well, she's someone's daughter.

- Oh, hey, can you tell Chase to meet me downstairs

in like...ten minutes?

I have a present for him outside

that I think he's really gonna like. [laughs]

- Sure. - [cheering]

- What up, guys? I just wanna say "What up?"

You know, way back when I was 12

I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life,

but now, here I am.

- [cheering]

- It's been a long, hard journey, almost six months,

and I couldn't have done it without every single one of you.

- [cheering]

- CHASE: Make sure to hashtag "#VossWater" all your pictures

and I'll like them.

- Hello? - Hey, Brookie Monster.

Hey, they're not letting me in.

- Wait, you're here? - LANCE: Hell yeah, I am,

it's Chase's birthday,

the little dude's becoming a little man.

- Ugh, fine, I'll come get you,

but I can't hang out, okay? I'm working.

- And now, my mom, the original Dreamer,

would like to say "What up?"

- [cheering]

- Nope, no. No.

No, she can't make it up here right now,

she's shy, but you all know me, I'm ChaseDreams's brother,

Cary Dreams.

- [cheering]

- Thanks, thank you, yeah.

And I know I'm not as good of a singer as he is,

but I just wanted to say, um...

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To you

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To you

♪ Happy birth--

- Surpri--oh, it's just Brooke.

Hey, is Chasey coming down soon? 'Cause I'm...illegally parked.

- You got him a car?! - Streeter: Yeah.

- He's 14! - Hey, well, everybody's gonna

get him a car when he's 16.

- Ooh, sick ride, baby. - I got it for Chase.

I think he's "wheely" gonna like it, y'know?

'Cause of the wheels. - [laughs]

- Hi, Lance.

This guy is with me, Brooke Dubek.

- Sorry, you're not on the list.

- Family doesn't need to be on the list,

I know that 'cause I made it.

- Doesn't matter, if you're not on the list,

you have to go on stand-by. - With the losers?

Thank you so much for coming.

- JEREMY: So good to see you.

You're so tan, did you go on vacation?

- No, I...I went on "Watch What Happens Live."

- You did? - Yeah.

It was stupid, but, you know, it was cool.

- [cheering] - God, this party's crazy.

Your brother's gotten so huge.

My students would die if they knew I was here right now.

- I can get you a picture with him if you want.

- Oh, um...

- Or with Esther Lay, I just met her,

she's really, really nice,

I mean it's weird that she's here, but you know,

it's helpful to know people like that.

- Why, is she a director? - No, she's a chip heiress.

- Oh.

- Surpri--! Ah, dammit.

Hey, is ChaseDreams still up there?

Because I--I got him a present

I...I think he's "wheely" gonna like--

- [car honking] - Go around!

- [honking continues] - Just go around me!

- I can't believe I'm in line for a party that I planned.

- I know what could cheer you up: check out my new shoes.

They're dry-erase, so you can make 'em any kind you want,

Nike, Adidas, Red...

Right now they say "Happy birthday, Chase."

Actually, they say, "Happ birthda Cha."

I ran here.

- Yeah, and someone named @CaryDreamsfeet

started following me, which is so weird,

because my feet are fine...

- You should get the Foot Filter app.

- Yeah, it really smooths out your feet and toes for pics.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- I'm Jeremy, by the way. - Oh, sorry, that's Jeremy.

- Hi! You're Jeremy? - Yes.

- Are you really gay? - Yes.

- [gasps] Cary! This is so good.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Mona, I wanna go over there. - Okay.

I love gay guys.

- So have you been DVRing "RHONY"?

- No, Lance, I'm a businesswoman now so I don't have time

for "Real Housewives of New York."

- That's why I DVR.

- Okay, two more. - Oh, thank god,

I have to pee so bad.

- Whoa.

- Ow. Remember to send Chasey down,

I don't want him to forget about me tonight.

Or ever.

- Why is the women's line so long?

It's like, use the men's!

It's what it's for.

See? Totally empty.

[gasps] Chase.

- Little man. - CHASE: [groans]

- BROOKE: God, he looks like shit.

Do you think anyone saw him?

- No, we took him out the back, B,

no one will ever even know he left.

- Any minute now.

- This is ridiculous.

I was downstairs for 30 minutes and he got this wasted?

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one

that's looking out for him.

- What about Car? - Yeah, yeah, he's great,

he's just...he's a little orange right now.

- You mean, like, tan? - No, like orange inside.

- [chuckles]

- I think he's just going through something.

And he's not the only one.

I didn't see my mom once tonight,

like, where the fuck was she?

- ♪

- Girl, you are loving these nuts.

Your mom is my freaking spirit animal right now.

- Very cool, Mona.

- Wait, I have to tell you what happened this week.

I joined a gym, as you can see,

and my first morning on the treadmill,

one of my students got on next to me.

- No! - Yes. I was too embarrassed

to let him see me, so I hid in the locker room

and watched clips of dogs feeling guilty on my phone.

- The same thing just happened to me,

I had to start working out

'cause I was on "Watch What Happens Live."

- Yeah, you mentioned that. - Yeah, I mean, like,

it was stupid but, you know,

some people said I was good on it.

- Well, I can't wait to watch it.

- Oh, I can pull it up right now.

- Oh, um. - Yeah, I mean, just...

Yeah, okay, here we go.

It's still loading.

Still loading, I think it's taking a lot of time

'cause I'm downloading that Foot Filter app.

- BROOKE: I can't believe that Chase's first time

getting drunk was in a club.

I just wanted him to have a typical teenage experience,

like mine. - What was yours?

- I got wasted on a thing of peach schnapps under my bed

and my mom found the bottle and grounded me,

and then I told her I wished she was dead

and we didn't talk for a month.

Chase will never get that.

- Don't worry, Cook-Brooke, he'll have plenty of firsts.

Maybe he'll lose his V-card the way you did.

- To the drummer from Snow Patrol?

Ew, Lance.

- CHASE: [vomiting] - Ooh, Chase.

- [breaks screeching] - Out! Everybody out!

- No, sir, we're about to get on the bridge.

- [cars honking] - I don't care. Out!

- Alright, it should load better out here.

- Surprise--Oh, goddammit!

- Streeter? - Goddammit!

- Did you get Chase a car? - Yes, I got him a car,

it's a great deal, too.

He only has to say "Chevy Camaro"

in his next three songs.

- Uber for Jordan? - Uh, what?

- Uber for Jordan, I'm Jordan. - This isn't an Uber.

- Sorry, I don't like it when the drivers talk to me.

- Yeah, this is good. You're cute.

- Yeah, thanks. - Should we go back inside?

- Oh, no, was it...was it weird that I made you watch that?

- Yes.

- Okay, uh, well, we wanna go back inside,

Cary Dreams. - You're not on the list.

- Try "Gay Brother".

- LANCE: [laughing] That's crazy.

- Then, I dated a guy who was only into me

because I was Chase's sister.

He wanted to do it to "Stink."

- Same thing happened to me. - What?!

- Yeah, this girl wanted to sleep with me

just 'cause I used to date Chase's sister.

- Eww. How did she even find you?

- These fans can find anybody.

Bunch of 'em followed my mom, too, and her friend Connie.

- Aww, how is Connie? - She's a riot.

Hey, did he puke on my back at all?

- Um...oh...uh...barely.

A lot. He puked a lot.

- LANCE: Yeah. I could feel it.

- Sorry we couldn't get back in.

- It's okay, I, uh, came to spend time with you,

I don't care where.

- [chuckles] I feel bad I didn't get to say goodbye

to Esther Lay.

- Yeah, I'm sure she's fine. - Yeah.

What's wrong? Not hungry, or...?

- No, I...I just wasn't eating in case we...

and I was the...you-- - Oh.

Oh, no, yeah I wasn't gonna eat in case I was the...

- [chuckles] Well, one of us can eat the pizza.

- Right. - Right?

- Yes, I mean, um... I'd prefer to eat the pizza.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, but if you wanna eat...

- No, no, you can eat the pizza. - Okay, I can.

- Uh-huh. For tonight. - Yeah. Okay, cool.

[chuckles]

I feel like I should DM Esther Lay goodbye,

just so she doesn't think I'm rude. Right?

I don't want her mad at me or anything.

- Yeah, sure.

- PAT: Woo! [slurring]

- MONA: Oh, my god, you're high,

that's an Uber driver!

- Streeter: This is not an Uber, there's a bow on it!

- Hey, can we just go back to your place and have sex?

- Oh. Now. Yes, great. - Yes.

- Good, okay. - Great. Yes.

- What is happening?!

- And my roommate actually sucks

so could we go to my brother's place?

I know that's weird, but they won't be back for hours.

- Oh. Okay. - Great.

- Your brother's place. - Yes.

- JEREMY: Great.

- I love you, Streeter. - And I love Chase. [chuckles]

He's like a father to me. - That's nice.

I know everyone laughs at you,

but not me, I think you're great.

Woo! We're doing so fast!

- Woo! [laughs] - Everyone laughs at me?

- Okay, I'm very much starting to get mad, can we just go?

- LANCE: You know, mad respect to Justin,

but I do not get "The Leftovers."

- I think you have to keep watching,

Cary says it picks up.

What season are you on? - I just finished the third.

- Oh, then you just don't like it.

- Damn, I love to like things.

- Aw, I know you do.

You just, uh, put him down by the motorcycle.

- He's gonna puke again,

he should probably be by a toilet.

- Yeah, well, the motorcycle is a toilet.

- Damn! For real?

I got you, bro. This place is exactly what my house

is gonna look like when I'm rich.

Wait, is there a 7Up hot tub? - No.

- 'Kay, this is almost what my house is gonna look like.

- [banging]

- [panting, moaning]

- Cary? - [clears throat]

- What are you doing here? - CARY: Oh, um...

Sex? - Hell yeah, Car.

That's what I'm talking about, Car.

- Thank you, Lance.

- Okay, well, we're here because Chase got drunk

and has been puking his guts out.

- He did? - BROOKE: Yes!

And where was Mom? You'd think if your husband

was a full-blown alcoholic, you'd be more protective

of your kid in a club.

- What?

- Oh, shit. - Nothing.

Nothing, buddy, I was just joking.

- Hey, come on, man,

why don't we get you back to your motorcycle?

- Whoa, I like your shoes. - LANCE: Thanks, homie.

- Hello! I'm home now!

- [laughing] She's gone!

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- I'm riding a horsey. - [laughing]

- Shh, it's just Streeter.

- It's just me, I'm not a horse.

What are you guys doing? You laughing at me?

- What? No, why?

- No reason, I was just checking.

- Wait, is this Justin Thoreaux's house?

Why is my night so random?

- Who are you? - Isn't it fancy?

My bedroom has a swimming pool.

- This place has a pool?! You playing?

Come on, man, the hits just keep coming.

- Lance. - Momma D.

- What is going on with Mom? Is she drunk, too?

- CARY: No, she's on Molly, because..."she deserves it."

- What? - Welcome to our house.

It's better than our old house.

Because my husband died there.

And that made me very sad.

- Mom, are you okay?

- But now I'm very happy!

And now I'm very tiny!

And now I have a secret for you.

[whispering]

- What did she say?

- That she wants to go over there.

- Okay.

- So, why did we stop here?

- Mom, whatcha doing over here? - Aw, my kids.

I love you so much.

Just know that I will always be there to protect all of you.

- Oh, really, Mom? All of us?

- What do you mean?

- Okay, well, you know that I'm Chase's assistant, right?

I'm not his mother-- - Not right now.

- Hey, what are you guys talking about?

You, uh, ha-ha, laughing at me, or...my shirt, my hair,

and all that... 'cause I'm in on it.

- No, we're having a family moment.

- I have so many nuts in my purse,

who put all these nuts in here?

- What? You did, you freaking psycho.

Oh, my god, that lady is a freaking psycho,

but I love her so much.

- Oh, crap, I gotta go save Chase.

- Yeah, and I should walk Lance out.

- I got...nothing to do.

- Hey, sorry, Jeremy,

I don't think now is the best time for a photo.

- What? - I just--

he's feeling kinda sick, so...

- I wasn't asking for a photo.

- He was just bringing me water 'cause you guys were talking.

- Oh, sorry, I just...I knew you wanted a photo with him

for your students, I mean, I guess...

I guess I could take one with you.

- What? - It's just, 'cause, you know,

they might weirdly know who I am.

Because of...

- I actually think I'm gonna go. - What?

- I'm just...feeling a little tired.

- Okay, yeah, cool, cool, yeah, alright, I'll walk you out.

- Feel better. - CHASE: Thanks.

- [cars honking]

- Hey, thanks for all your help tonight.

- Of course, you know I got you, girl.

- And as a thank you, you can tell me

what's been happening on "RHONY".

- Oh, hell yeah, okay.

So in the last ep, they all went to the Catskills

and Ramona fell in the fireplace,

and they showed her whole butt.

- Whoa! And they didn't blur it?

- Nah, I think it's 'cause it didn't really look like a butt.

- [chuckles]

- Hey, is everything okay?

- Yeah. I just...

I'm just not sure if I'm into this whole new vibe.

- What do you mean? Is this...

Is this 'cause of the picture thing? 'Cause I...

- I just, um...I know I don't know you that well,

but it feels like you a month ago would make fun of you now.

- Oh.

Yikes. - I just...

It feels like you don't really know who you are right now.

- Um...okay, uh...

I'm--I'm sorry, I...

I guess you could've eaten the pizza.

- Okay. - Okay.

- I'm--I'm sorry. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Alright, I'm gonna bounce.

But if you wanna watch the "RHONY" reunion,

let me know.

But heads up, it's six nights.

- [chuckles] 'Kay.

- Okay, Cook-Brooke, I'll see you later.

- [birds chirping] - [fire crackling]

- ♪

♪ I have loved you for the last time ♪

♪ Is it a video?

♪ Is it a video?

♪

♪ For the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms ♪

♪ Is it a video?

♪ Is it a video?

♪ For the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms ♪

♪

♪ Is it a video?

♪ Is it a video?

- PAT: Cary. Cary.

- BROOKE: Just give him a second,

he's doing "Call Me By Your Name."

- PAT: Oh. You know, I never saw that movie.

- BROOKE: Yes, you did, we went with Cary, remember?

He sat facing us while we watched it.

- PAT: Oh, yes, that's right. - ♪ Is it a video

You know, Cary just had his 14th birthday party.

It was gumball themed.

It was gonna be dinosaurs

but Target had a lot of gumball stuff, so...

But hey! Everybody loves a gumball.

Right, Chasey? - BABY CHASE: [gurgling]

- PAT: Ugh, he just threw up on me.