Original subtitles

[both moaning]

- Okay, wait.

I can't.

I love my wife. - And stop.

Listen, class.

To win awards, you must do gay sex scenes.

But how do we know you're gay

if there's no shame on your face?

- Oh, hey, I went in for that new Ryan Murphy thing.

I got halfway through my audition,

and then they cut me off.

- Why?

- They're not even considering anyone

with under 50,000 Instagram followers.

- Eww.

- Are you going in for it?

- Yeah, on Monday.

I had to call the casting director myself

because my dumb-ass agent is useless.

- And let's go again. - [moaning]

Oh, that's it. - [moaning]

- Yeah! - Hey...

- Oh... - I was thinking...

- [moans] - We should give Chase fish oil

to help build muscle.

- Oh, um, yeah.

O--okay. - But it can thin the blood,

so we have to watch out for nosebleeds.

- Um, can we just pause the Chase talk

until after we're finished?

- Right, right, right.

- Hey, do you think that Chase could tag me in something

to boost my followers?

- Um... - [moans]

- Hey, do you think Chase is liking

his core-strengthening exercises?

- Um... - And, orgasm.

- Oh, my God! - [moans]

- Oh, my God.

- [moans]

- Oh, shit. - [panting]

[hip-hop music]

- Well, what about "Watch What Happens"?

Didn't you get any followers from that?

- Yeah, but I still need 10,000 more

in the next three days

to even be considered for the role.

- Oh, my God.

I can't believe that's how it works now.

What's the part?

- It's a gas station attendant

who gets his ass eaten.

It's a three-episode arc.

- Is this that Ryan Murphy miniseries

about the woman who sues McDonalds?

- Yeah, "American Crime Story: Hot Coffee."

It would be huge for me.

Can you just take one more picture of me

and post it on Chase's Instagram, please?

- Oh, my God, fine.

But this is the last one, okay?

All of his posts today have been you.

Eww, don't smile.

[camera shutter clicks]

Oh, God, we gotta go.

- Why are we running?

- I've gotta change Chase's phone number again,

get a bunch of his crotches dropped,

and mail his passport application by 2:00.

- Where is he going? - He's going to Ottawa

for some fan meet-up, wherever that is.

- It's the capital of Canada. - My God.

Who cares, bitch?

I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm so overworked.

Mom is MIA doing God knows what.

All I ever do is think about Chase.

Like, what about me?

I need some goddamn romance.

I was sleeping with his trainer the other day,

and he would not shut up about him.

Ugh.

- Well, why don't you start by dating someone

not on Chase's team? - I know.

I need to date somebody not in the industry.

Just some normal, boring guy like...

you know, like this guy, but hot.

I am so sorry.

- Hey, um, sorry to bug you,

but are you in that ChaseDreams video?

- Yes.

- I saw you on "Watch What Happens"!

I love bartending for Andy.

- Oh. Yeah, hi, I'm Cary.

I'm an actor. - Hey, I'm Cameron.

Look, this is kind of crazy, but I'm having a party later,

and my friends would freak if you came.

- [laughs] - DM me for deets.

I'm @TheCameronColby on Insta. - Great.

- Hi. - Hi.

- [stammers, clears throat]

- Okay, well, you're going. - What?

Why would I go to a stranger's party?

- Because he's one of those Insta gays,

you know, that, like, runs around

with no shirt on, posting song lyrics

that have nothing to do with the pic he's put up.

- Again, why would I go to a stranger's party?

- So he can tag you.

He's got 1 million followers.

- I'm going to a stranger's party.

- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ You know you can

♪ Crash at my place

[laughter]

♪ Gonna sleep over me

♪ It's a fantasy

♪ Gonna sleep over me

[cheering]

♪ Know you wanna stay

♪ Come and sleep over me

♪ It's a fantasy

- Chest exposed. - Chest exposed.

- I like it. - Yeah, it's...

♪

- Dude, that's so random. - Hey!

[all gasp]

- Oh, my gosh! You came!

You guys, look.

This is ChaseDreams's brother.

- Oh, wow. - Oh, my gosh.

all: Hi.

- Cary, this is Colby Dallas,

Dallas Drake, and Drake Cameron.

- Hi. Uh, did I ruin the photo?

Should we--should we take another one, or...

- No, it's okay.

We got a good one right before you came.

- Great, great.

Well I will just, um, hang out with you guys.

- Sweet! - Perf.

- Yeah. - Cool!

[mellow music playing]

- [clears throat]

So tell me about your job.

- Uh, you know,

I've been so work-obsessed lately.

Why don't we talk about your job, Tad?

- I work for a window manufacturer.

- Oh, so you make windows. - No, I wish.

Companies send us measurements,

and we work with the factories that make the windows,

and we handle delivering the windows to the sites.

♪

- Oh, um, okay. Let's see.

What's a good follow-up question to that?

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering, laughter]

- Uh, yeah, yeah.

I guess I like breakfast.

- Yeah--thank you! - Me too.

- That's what we're saying. - I don't.

- Oh, my God. - So what do you guys do?

- We're influencers. You know, creators.

♪

- Yeah, but-- but, like, what do you do?

Uh, like, I'm an actor. - Oh.

I do inspiration.

Colby's more, like, lifestyle...

- Yeah. - I'm religious, kinda.

- And I used to be fat, but now I have two nieces.

♪

- Cool, cool.

Well, should we take a photo

to commemorate this moment, or...

[laughter]

- You're so funny.

- A photo would actually be hilarious,

but we just posted a few hours ago.

- And we won't post again until 1:00 a.m. East Coast time

so we can get the West Coast likes

when people are scrolling themselves to sleep.

- But--well, that's in, like, four hours.

Won't--won't we all be in our beds by then, or...

[laughter]

- He's killing me!

- [slurping]

- But glass actually starts out...

as sand.

- Well, that certainly has nothing to do

with my work, which is what I wanted.

Oh, here's another thing that's boring:

Ottawa is the capitol of Canada.

- I actually have a list

of Canadian cities that I want to visit.

- You know what, Tad?

Let's just go back to your place.

- Oh, did you not want to...

stay and keep talking?

- Absolutely not.

- Yeah, I mean, it's crazy.

I hated social media,

but then I started doing it, and now I don't.

You know?

- Yes, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Sorry.

I'll be right back.

- Okay.

[muffled music, chatter]

[both moaning]

[both breathing heavily]

- Hold on one second.

[ChaseDreams' "Stink" playing]

Perfect. - [moaning]

♪

- Um--God.

Uh, this song is everywhere.

Um, do you mind if we just listen

to something else?

ChaseDreams, he's--

he's, weirdly, my brother.

[laughs] - I know.

That's why I swiped right.

- Eww, what? - Look.

I know you said you don't want to talk about work,

but since you brought it up, what is Chase like?

I'm a huge fan.

- ♪ Take a shower

- What is the problem?

You love him, I love him.

He's an artist. - Eww.

He's a singer. - Look, here, here.

I want to a play a song inspired by Chase.

- No, I mean-- - ♪ Chasing rainbows

♪ Chasing dreams

[alarm chirping]

- [gasps, groans]

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

- Here we go. All right.

- All right, yeah. - Kind of just...

[indistinct chatter]

[pop music playing]

Okay, yeah. Um, and Dallas, just lean out

'cause you're kind of blocking me.

Yeah, that's better.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Nailed it. - We got it!

Great, good. - Cary, hi.

We're just gonna put on glasses

and get in the pool like a bunch of idiots.

- Gosh, I actually have to go.

I have, uh, work early, and it's getting really late.

- Oh, are you shooting something?

- Yes, it's a very big movie.

Um, but it was very nice to meet you guys.

all: Bye.

- He's so funny. - [laughs]

[elevator dings]

- All right, let's see that pic.

No!

- Well, you know, it's romantic to be serenaded.

- It was not romantic, and it was not a break

from thinking about Chase. - Right.

- But I have this date tonight

with this guy from "Rolling Stone,"

so he's not, like, on Chase's team,

but he's in the industry enough not to be a superfan.

Also, he's British, so. - Accent.

- Uncut. - Ugh, look at this.

- Oh, is this the picture they posted?

Wait, where are you? - Standing out of frame.

- Oh. I'm sorry, Care.

- I know. Now I gotta find another way

to get 10,000 followers in two days.

- Oh, why don't you adopt one of those ugly dogs?

You know, the ones that look dead but aren't.

- I tried.

The shelter said those are now the first to go.

- Oh. - I know.

All right, I gotta go to work.

- Bye. - Bye.

Ugh.

- Oh, hey, my friend Reese

went in for that Ryan Murphy thing,

and they asked him about followers too.

- Ugh. - You'd love Reese.

Or, no, you'd hate him.

Reese is the one that got in the fist-fight with my mom.

- [laughs] - Oh, shit.

- Holy smokes!

It's Cameron, Colby, and the Instagays!

- What? How do you know them?

- Cary, hi!

- Hi, guys. What's up?

- Oh, we were just taking a photo

in front of a school that burned down.

- I think we're gonna caption it,

"You make me want to la-la."

both: Yeah.

- Um, how's the movie shoot going?

- Good, good.

You know, getting all the shots.

- Are you playing a waiter?

- Yes. Yes, I am.

Uh, I am playing the waiter, actually.

The movie's called "The Waiter."

[all gasping, murmuring]

- We were just talking about you.

- Oh.

- Do you want to come to church tonight?

- As in... - Church.

8:00. Wanna come?

- Uh, s--sure.

I will go to church. all: Yay!

- Yeah, maybe after, we can try again

for those West Coast sleep-scrollers.

[laughter]

- Cary, you're literally Amy Schumer.

See you tonight.

all: Bye.

- Sorry, um, what do you guys wear to church?

- Yeah, I've been there four years.

- Oh, my God, that is so cool.

I read "Rolling Stone" all through high school.

- Did you? - Well, no,

but I did masturbate to the one

with Justin Timberlake on the cover

for, like, all of 2003. [laughs]

- Oh, the one where he's wearing the turquoise necklace.

- Yeah.

I had to Sharpie it out so I could come.

[both laughing]

Is it dumb to say this is fun? - No.

I'm having fun too.

I just have to use the restroom.

- Okay. - And I may or may not

stalk your social media while I'm away.

- Oh, I'm about to go deep.

[soft music playing]

Okay.

Let's see that body.

♪

Wait, where's the body?

♪

[laughs]

♪

What?

♪

"Hate myself"?

Okay.

"Tell him stop"?

Uh, excuse me?

I need another drink, and make it a triple.

- You were drinking wine.

- Yeah, I want a bottle of wine.

[organ music]

♪

all: Cary!

- Cary, what's up? - Hi, hey.

Is this--is this not a church service?

- Christ, no. It's a photoshoot.

- Oh! Perfect, good.

Yes. - Okay, do you want to wear

a red Speedo or hold your balls?

- I guess, since we're in a church,

uh, red Speedo? - Cool.

Colby can hold his balls. - Mm-hmm.

- [sighs]

Hello? - Oh, hi.

It's Dallas. - Hey, what's wrong?

- Sometimes I hate taking photos

with the other guys.

I'm so ugly next to them. - What?

You're like, so hot it sucks.

If this partition wasn't here, I'd slap you.

- [laughs] Thanks, Cary.

You're so funny. - Okay, everyone!

Get in position!

- I call dead center!

- Hey. How was stalking me?

Find anything good? - Not really.

Do you just, like... [scoffs]

Never go to the beach? - Is everything okay?

Your vibe feels harder.

- Actually, I was thinking

we could play a sexy little game.

It's called, "What Musician Do You Hate?"

- Not sure how that's sexy, but...

I guess Maroon 5 kind of sucks.

- No, like, who would you love to meet

so that you can tell them "stop"?

- Um, Susan Boyle.

- [forced laughter]

You're so funny.

You love to say mean little things,

and you get away with it because you have

a hot accent and an uncut dick.

- Actually, I'm cut.

I--I'm sorry, I take it back.

Maroon 5 doesn't suck?

- No, of course they suck. That's their whole point.

I'm talking about my little brother, ChaseDreams.

- Is everything okay here?

- No. This man is cut,

and he likes to hurt little boys.

- Okay, we got the timer on.

And here we go.

- Ugh, you looking at my weird shoulder hair?

I know, I'm like an ugly werewolf

next to these guys. - What?

I would sacrifice years of my life

for just one of your shoulders.

- Thanks, Cary.

You're so funny.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Um, that's a good idea.

Let's do, like, a funny one. - Oh, yeah.

Okay, good, yeah. - Okay, and...

- Good.

- Three, two, one...

[camera shutter clicking]

- Wait, how did you guys pose?

- Do you need me to call the police?

What did this man do? - Yes!

He posted mean jokes about my brother

online six months ago.

- I can't call the police for that.

- And then he screen-shotted those jokes

and posted them again.

- I'll call the police.

- Oh! Well, well, well.

Look who it is, Paul.

ChaseDreams. - Brooke?

- Oh, my God, what's happening?

- Exactly what you wanted. - Hello?

- You're meeting ChaseDreams.

Tell him "stop."

- What? How do I make it stop?

- Buddy, are you okay?

Your face looks bad.

- Oh, so his face looks bad

and his voice is bad? [scoffs]

You've got a lot of nerve tonight, buddy.

- Brooke, where are you? - I'm sorry for what I posted.

He's a good singer.

- He's not a singer. He's an artist.

- But his face is covered in blood.

- What? [gasps]

Oh, my God, Chase. The fish oil--okay, um--

- I need help. - I'm coming right home.

Just tilt your head back, okay?

I hope you learned your lesson.

- I think my caption's gonna be how Christmas

is a time for all people to be thankful and to give back.

- Mine's either "Lucy in the sky with diamonds"

or something more about Christmas.

- Mine's gonna be #ChristmasGoals.

- Aww, I love that.

- So funny you guys are doing Christmas captions

this far from Christmas.

- Well, we're not gonna post them now.

We're gonna post them on Christmas.

- What?

- We look way too fat after Thanksgiving,

so we take the Christmas pics ahead of time.

- How are these Christmas pics?

- Church plus red Speedos.

- God damn it.

[laughter]

- He's so funny.

- So I think the takeaway is that I need to date guys

who literally have no idea who Chase is.

- I think the takeaway is "no more fish oil."

- Yeah, we are off of that.

Oh, hey, did you get all the followers you needed?

- No!

I even tried making an ASMR video.

- One of those whisper videos?

Ain't right, ain't natural.

- Yeah, I actually lost followers on that video,

so now I need 10,073 by tomorrow.

- Wait.

Who's this skank?

[phone vibrating]

- Oh, my God, it's Colby.

"Wanna come hike with us, bitch?

We got an extra animal onesie."

- Eww. - Hiking in onesies?

Do you know how many photos they're gonna take?

Okay, I gotta go.

I think I should do something to my hair,

'cause their hair is always so cool.

I'm just gonna--

- Are you becoming an Instagay?

- What? No. No.

I just want to book this miniseries.

Okay, bye.

Good luck on all your dates today.

- Bye.

[upbeat music]

So you've never heard of ChaseDreams

or his music? - Nah.

I don't know who that is. - Perfect.

- Only music I listen to is Phish.

Seen 'em live 712 times.

♪

- And then, like, the whole Uber

reeked of taco salad.

I'm like, "I have to give this guy five stars.

I feel so bad."

[all laughing] - Great story, five stars.

But, guys, uh, right here is very picturesque.

Could we take a picture here, maybe?

- Cary, you're seriously cracking me up.

[laughter]

- No, I haven't heard of ChaseDreams or Phish.

I--I don't like music. - Hot.

What do you like? - Books.

Books, I love.

I love reading books, talking about books.

- But then I was like, instead of just telling her

the truth, I'll just let her have it.

Like, it doesn't hurt me. You know what I mean?

- Hey, guys, what about this?

What about this?

What a funny image, right?

Imagine scrolling past this.

Me as a hot cow. - Oh, my God, a baby bird!

[all gasp, exclaim]

- Out here? - Oh, my God!

all: Aww!

- So nice to meet you.

Congrats again on getting rescued from that basement!

- You okay?

Can I get you anything?

- Yeah, you can knock me out and wake me when I'm dead.

- Horse troubles? - What?

No, didn't you just see

all those awful dates I was on?

- Yeah.

Not a winner in the bunch. - No.

I--I just started dating because I was so consumed

with work, and then it just ended up being more work.

- You know what my sister did? - I don't.

- My sister was so fed up with the dating scene

that she posted an ad saying that she would be

wearing a red dress standing in Madison Square Park

holding a single red rose,

and she invited any handsome bachelor

to come by, sweep her off her feet.

She's now been married eight years.

- [scoffs] Nuh-uh.

That is so dumb.

I would never do that in a million--

- Oh, my God, yes.

- Okay. Beautiful, right?

- Yep, so let's take a picture.

- Huh?

- I said let's take a picture

right here with this beautiful...lake.

- Oh, we're just here for the nature.

It's No-Post Sunday.

- "No-Post Sunday"?

Then why the hell am I hanging out with you?

- Excuse me? - Cameron, what's happening?

Cary's not being funny.

- ♪ If ever

♪ Love was real

- Are you...Brooke?

- Wow.

♪

You're gorgeous.

- So are you.

- I can't believe it.

I mean, you knew nothing about me,

and you saw an ad on Craigslist and--

and decided to take a chance on a stranger

in Madison Square Park.

That's...

pathetic.

You're a loser. I'm a loser.

I'm sorry.

I have to leave.

- I'm a loser?

- If we're not taking pictures,

what's with these stupid onesies?

- They're comfy.

Not everything we do is to get a picture.

- Cary, were you just, like, using us

to leech off our followers?

- Cary, we thought you liked us

for who we are, not our work.

- You call what you do "work"?

All you do is get naked and post pictures

and have sex with each other!

- We don't have sex with each other.

- What? Why don't you?

both: We're virgins. - And I'm straight.

- And I used to be fat but now I have two nieces.

- That's not a thing, Drake.

Okay, that's the problem with you guys.

You don't do anything!

I actually do something.

I act. - Like what?

What are you in? - I'm trying to do something,

but the way this business works is you gotta do stupid shit

like this to even get to that level.

So I'm gonna go over here,

and I'm gonna pose like a little pouty cow,

and you're gonna take a picture and fucking tag me!

Wait, are you filming? Please don't film.

- "Do not trust this thirsty..."

- Don't. - "Shady bitch..."

- Cameron, no.

- "@CaryDubek."

- No, please don't post that. Please don't.

- Sad. - Please don't.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Wait, I just got 100 new followers.

Could you actually tweet that?

- [flat] Oh, yeah.

- Hey... [panting]

What should we use instead of fish oil?

- Oh, um...

I don't know.

- I think Chase might like flaxseed.

But then again, he might not like flaxseed.

- Yeah, I didn't end up getting the part,

but it was down to me and one other guy,

which is the closet I've ever gotten.

- Who ended up getting it? - Frankie Grande.

- He brought someone to eat his ass

at the audition, so...

- Sorry again that I asked if your brother could tag me.

- It's okay.

Sorry I asked him to tag me instead.

- No, no, he's your brother.

Use him if you got him. - Yeah.

- Yes.

Shame, whispered apologies.

Now, that's a gay sex scene.

- Oh, thank you. - Thanks.

- Yeah, thank you. - Sorry, sorry.

Sorry. - No, no, no, I'm sorry.

a great deal of heat.

1,700 degrees Celsius,

which is about 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit.

Uh, so it's not gonna get that hot on Earth.

You won't see any beaches... [laughs]

made of glass.

Um, it's fascinating.