Original subtitles

- This isn't a good idea. - Cary, you're gonna be on TV,

you can't have little tufts of hair above your crack.

- No, I mean I don't think I should do the show at all.

- What?! You're gonna be on "Watch What Happens Live!"

Jesus, it's the best show on TV.

- Yeah, but I got asked to be the shirtless bartender,

I just...stand behind the real guests

and laugh at their jokes.

- I thought we were gonna stop being snobby.

They saw you in Chase's video, they asked you to do the show,

you do it!

- I guess it is good to be seen or--

- Plus, you can make connections.

Andy Cohen gets legit people, Meryl Streep did it.

- Whoa, really? - Yeap.

She was on with one of Lisa Vanderpump's dogs.

- I wonder who my guests are tonight.

- I'm already looking it up. Okay, your Meryl is...

Oh! Patrick Wilson.

- Oh, cool, he was in Fargo, I love him.

I actually went to the same theater school as his cousin.

- Okay, and your dog is...

children's book author Pat Dubek?

Guess who's gonna be on "Watch What Happens Live"?

I love my year of yes!

- Oh, my god.

- ♪

- Okay, everybody, listen up, gather 'round, hold the work!

Director would like to say a few words before we start.

- Ah! Hey, gang.

Sorry I can't be there, I'm in Hawaii

directing the new Jurassic World movie,

but I fucking love money so I'm also gonna direct

this little music video real quick.

Let's get the product placement stuff out of the way first.

- Okay, we need ChaseDreams to set.

Anybody have eyes on ChaseDreams?

- Come on, eight. Come on, nine.

Push it, baby, you are a god, come on.

- This is Chase's assistant, I'm bringing him in now.

- Oh, we need two more minutes,

we're trying to get his pecs to pop.

- He's 13. I don't think his pecs can pop.

And why does he suddenly need pecs?

- Because, Brooke.

Look, we did sweet, we did gay, now he's a fuckboy.

- Ew! Don't call him that.

- TRAINER: Come on, clench!

When you crap, I want it to fight its way out, come on.

- Uh, this guy sucks.

I can't believe I have to have sex with him.

- You don't. - No,

he's very dumb and very hot, so...unfortunately, I do.

- Good, alright.

- WOMAN ON WALKIE: We need ChaseDreams,

and make sure he's wearing the bracelet.

- This is Chase's assistant, I'm bringing him now,

and we actually decided necklace.

I love having a walkie.

- Four, five, six, seven, eight.

Whip, pull, yes, yes. - Oh, shit.

- How you doing, you excited?

- I'm so nervous I could barf.

I just hope I don't mess up tonight.

- Don't be nervous, you literally can't mess up

"Watch What Happens Live". - PAT: Yeah, well,

at least I'll have you next to me.

- Well, behind you, but yeah, it'll be nice to hang out,

you've been so busy since you moved here.

- Okay, I gotta run.

Ugh, you're so lucky you don't have to wear clothes tonight.

- Yes, I feel very, very lucky.

Hi, um...I'm looking to get jacked fast.

- Do you have a gym membership?

- No, uh... but it's kind of an emergency.

I'm gonna be the bartender on "Watch What Happens Live,"

'cause, just-- it's good to be seen--

- Yeah, no, totally, I did that last week.

- Oh, are you an actor too? - Yeah! Well, no.

I met Andy at a Rag & Bone and...he just asked me.

- Oh.

- DIRECTOR: Good. Good, good, good, good,

okay, you're chilling on your car, good, yeah,

you're loving your watch.

Put it a little closer to your face.

But like, do it naturally.

Hold it like you'd hold your watch close to your face

on your car.

Good.

- ♪

- Oh, my god, Brooke Dubek?

Genevieve Kim!

We used to dance together at SAB?

- Oh! Hi, yeah!

- Are you dancing in your brother's video?

I thought you stopped after you broke your ankle

a long time ago.

- Yeah, I did, I'm actually here because I'm...

I'm his--I'm his manager.

Yeah, I'm a really big-time manager now.

- That is so cool. - Yeah, my life is very cool.

- WOMAN ON WALKIE: Need Chase's assistant to set,

we've got a snack emergency.

- Oh, pfft, I don't know why they gave this to a manager.

[laughs] - [walkie clanks]

- Anyway, how are you?

I saw on Facebook you did a gig in...Paris?

- Yeah. - So fun.

I bet it was really rainy, though.

- No, no, it was really, really sunny.

- WOMAN ON WALKIE: Anybody got eyes on Chase's assistant?

I repeat, we have a snack emergency.

- Where is this dumb bitch! - Brooke.

Why is your walkie on the ground?

They're calling you on set, we have a snack emergency.

- I'm gonna head back to holding.

The choreographer is a disaster,

just be glad you don't have to deal with that anymore.

Right? - [nervous laugh]

[mocking] "Be glad you don't have to deal with that anymore."

Asshole.

- ♪

- [exhales]

- ♪

- Pardon me, Sir.

- ♪

- Nope.

- ♪

- I think this one's broken.

- ♪

- It's been one minute?

- ♪♪

- MAN: You have a great day as well.

Finished already?

- Huh? No, uh, no, no,

I just thought there might be some, uh...

I thought there might be heavier weights out here.

Hi, hello.

Um, but I'm just gonna make do with the lighter ones.

That are inside. [clears throat]

- [water dripping]

- You hiding from the weights, too?

- Care-Bear. - Lance?!

- DIRECTOR: Okay, we don't know what some of these products

are actually gonna be yet,

so just pretend you're watching the coolest movie

that you've ever seen.

Now it's a scary movie. Now it's a funny movie.

Now it's a dating website.

Now it's a Christian dating website. Yeah.

Alright, now it's "Chicago Med." Now "Chicago Fire."

Now "Chicago PD." Good. One of those should work.

- [bell rings] - DIRECTOR: God, I love money.

- WOMAN: Okay, let's check the kid on whatever that was,

turn around, let's get Chase to wardrobe.

- BROOKE: Excuse me, Genevieve?

- Hey, Brooke. I was just telling the girls

how we used to dance-- - I know what you're saying.

That you're so much better than me,

because I'm my little brother's assistant and you're still

dancing in Paris while it's sunny.

Well, guess what? I may not be a dancer anymore,

but I'm happy. Yeah.

Because I have purpose, I have direction,

and most importantly, my toes are back to normal.

So you, take-- - [sobs]

[crying]

- Oh, my god. Your toes are that bad?

about how they wanna look like a million bucks.

Well, now, you can also, sound like a dollar.

- Oh. - You see?

- Whoa. - Man. Come on, man.

Hey, yo, your mom texted me.

You got asked to be on "Watch What Happens Live,"

that is dope, bro! - Yeah.

- It's the best show on TV, I feel.

- That's what a lot of people keep saying.

Um...wait, you text my mom? - All the time.

Yo, you know that she wrote a children's book?

I feel like your mom's making the most outta this Chase sitch.

- Yes, she is, um... I'm trying to, as well,

I guess I'm just not a shirtless-on-TV type of guy.

- What? - That takes a lot of--

- Cary, come on, man, you're sexy as fuck, dude.

- No. Come on, come on, do a spin for me.

- Huh? - Get up and do a spin for me.

- I really am fine.

- Get up and do a spin for me, seriously.

Come on, let me see this.

Okay. Okay!

Give me a little of this. Uuuhhh. Okay.

You're thin, but you tight. - Thank you.

- Now, if you shave those little butt tufts,

I think you'll be good to go. - Oh, yeah, uh...

Brooke got most of those and I think she shaved off a mole.

- Alright, I'm leaving.

Listen to me.

You are a beautiful man and your body is tight.

Say it.

- I am...I am a beautiful man and my body is tight.

- Good. And listen, if you're really not feeling yourself,

just do what Brooke does before every vacation.

Say you're gonna work out for two months

and then just get a haircut

and a spray tan on the way to the airport.

Later, Car.

- ♪

♪ Andy Cohen's got the 4-1-1 ♪

♪ King, king of midnight fun ♪

♪ AC, AC

- Hey, everybody, it's Andy Cohen,

I'm here in the Bravo clubhouse with two guests

who put the "dish" in "distinguished."

He's starring as Lord Licorice

in this summer's biggest blockbuster, "Candyland,"

Patrick Wilson!

Hey, Patrick. - Hey, Andy, how are ya?

- Great to see you. And she's the mom of ChaseDreams

and the author of the new children's book,

"Dolphin Dreams," Pat Dubek.

- AUDIENCE: [cheering] - [clapping]

- I'm so excited to be here, hi, Andy.

- I'm so happy to see you.

I gotta say I'm obsessed with your son.

The two of us should collab.

- You should. On what?

- ANDY: Speaking of sons,

your other son is bartending for us tonight,

say hi to Cary Dubek!

- Hi, I'm an actor.

- And what have you got for us tonight, Mr. Actor?

- Oh, uh, I didn't... I didn't really prepare anything

but I guess...I guess I can do, uh,

"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern"?

Um... "We must be...

born with an intuition of mortality--"

- You know what? I actually meant

what cocktail are you serving tonight?

- Oh, uh... - [laughs]

- But that was still very good, honey.

- Yeah, that was great.

- And I like your fancy new hair.

- Oh, no, this isn't new, this is...this is just my hair.

- No, but I saw you this morning,

you definitely look different. - Oh, my god.

- It's like...I'm still living paycheck to paycheck.

I can barely pay rent. That gig in Paris?

We all had to pay for our own travel.

- God, I love hearing this. I mean...oh, girl.

- And my feet? They are bad.

Every time I post a fun pic of them by the pool,

it gets flagged as inappropriate content.

- Oh. Sorry. That's me.

It's just that your toes aren't supposed to point

at each other.

- And I'm 30, which is like, you know, old for a dancer.

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

- Wh--what are your passions?

- I like to travel? - Okay.

- Maybe I could travel across the country.

Be a travel agent.

A travel writer. Travel photographer?

- Now, Patrick, I heard on Candyland you had

sort of a running prank with Margot Robbie.

- PATRICK: Yeah, yeah, okay, so Margot,

she plays Princess Lolly. - ANDY: Right.

- She hates sour cream. - ANDY: Uh-oh.

- So, any time she left her coffee out,

I put sour cream in it.

- AUDIENCE: [groaning] - CARY: Little prankster.

- What? - You...you little prankster.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, I am--

- ANDY: Now, Pat, let's talk about your book.

I have a copy right here-- - No, that's not my book.

Oh...yes! That is my book.

I'm sorry, it came out great.

- Now, what's the book about?

- Well, Andy, it's seven thick pages.

It's about a little dolphin from Ohio,

Who posts a video on DolphinTube

and then becomes a famous dolphin singer.

- Ooh, is it based on anything?

- Why, yes, Patrick Wilson, it is based on my son Chase,

he's a singer-- - I know, I know, I'm just--

I was joking. - Oh! [laughs]

- CARY: That was funny, that's really good.

- What? - Um...nothing.

It's just--I was trying to connect.

- Okay, when we come back, our guests are gonna

take some audience questions.

- Ooh, fun, even Cary? - Uh, no, just the two of you.

- Ah, sorry, honey. - ANDY: We'll be right back.

- Or, maybe I could be in the music industry.

I could be a rapper. You know, like a--a rap critic.

- Oh, god, is this what I sounded like?

- I can do anything. The world is my oyster.

I'm gonna try oysters.

- They are delicious.

They're fine. They're bad.

Listen, Genevieve, you don't have to know exactly

what you wanna do, like, in this car.

But if you wanna make a change, you should.

Starting over at 30 is scary, trust me, but...

it's worth it if you're not happy.

And hey, I'm here for you.

- Really? - Yeah, well, right now I am.

I--I don't wanna exchange numbers or anything.

- You know what? You're right. I am gonna change my life.

- Yes, girl! - I'm gonna start over.

- Uh! Slay, bitch! - Thanks, Brooke.

Tell them I left.

- Wait, what?

- Okay, um...I kill Evans, marry Pratt...F Hemsworth.

- [laughter]

- Okay, next question is from Angie in St. Louis,

and it's for you, Pat! - Oh!

- "Hey, Pat, how do you juggle being a mother and an author?

Is there a Mr. Dreams to lighten the load?"

- PAT: Do I look in the camera? - ANDY: Sure.

- Um...no, um, he actually passed away kind of recently.

He had cancer. - Oh, my god.

- I'm so sorry to hear that, Pat.

Well, that's all the time we have,

thank you to Patrick Wilson, his movie's out Friday,

Pat Dubek's book is on shelves now,

and our bartender Cary. That's it for us--

- Hey, wait a minute, hey, hey. Cary, you're an actor, right?

You got anything you want to, uh, promote?

- Uh, thanks, Patrick, uh... no--nothing right now.

- But that was very sweet of you, Patrick.

- ANDY: Alright, that's it for now,

goodnight, everybody.

- AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- DIRECTOR: Okay, dancers up, where's the last dancer?

- Someone said she quit to be a rap critic.

- Well, why don't we just do it without her?

- We can't, she's right next to the fuckbo--to Chase.

- Okay, is there anyone else who can fill in?

Seven is an unlucky number, can we find someone to fill in?

[groans] - BOTH: I can do it.

- Oh, sorry, I thought-- - Oh, sorry, I just--

- I watched rehearsal, so I know, like, the moves.

- You know what, Carl?

I'm gonna take this one. [panting]

Brooke Dubek's gonna dance.

- [laughing] [humming]

Hi, Cary! Wasn't that so much fun?

Oh, don't forget to give them your mic.

- They didn't give me one.

Mom, why did you say dad died of cancer?

- That's what we decided to tell Chase.

- Yeah, Chase, not the whole viewing audience

of "Watch What Happens".

- I just figured Chase is gonna be watching it later, so...

Did I mess up? - No. No, it's fine.

The show isn't really live. I'll figure it out.

- Okay, great, thanks, honey. I really have to run.

I have a very big meeting with Chase's team

to talk out my next book.

- You have another book idea?

- Yes, it's gonna be about a dolphin mom

that goes on a talk show.

- Okay.

Shit.

- Okay, all the dancers set?

Track, please, and-- Mahalo, dude.

And...action.

- ♪ Dance all day, dance all night ♪

♪ Dance until we don't smell right ♪

♪ Dance until we...

♪ Stink, stink, stink

♪ Ain't a party 'til you reek

♪ So dance until you...

♪ Stink, stink, stink

♪ Make your jeans smell for a week ♪

♪ Dance until you...

♪

♪ Even the walls should stink

- DIRECTOR: Alright, everybody take five.

- [bell rings]

- Thanks, bud.

- Alright, Brooke, I'm impressed.

- Thanks.

I was, like, as good as them.

- Sure. I'm surprised you volunteered.

I thought the video was "too sexy."

- At first I was a little worried

'cause it's called "Stink."

Then I saw the choreography and I was like,

"It's not that bad." - [chuckles] Yeah.

- Okay, dancers, let's change into the second looks,

time for the hardcore grinding shots.

- What?

- [knocking]

- Hi, um, I was wondering if we could edit a small thing

out of tonight's show.

- I can't edit out your nipples, kid.

- No, I wasn't--I wasn't talking about my nipples,

although now I am worried about them.

- Listen, we can't edit anything without Andy's approval

and he's already on Barbados.

- How? It's been 20 minutes.

- He just is.

- [whispering] Okay. Gosh.

- Hey, how'd it go? How was Andy?

- He was nice, he told Mom he and Chase should "collab."

- On what? - That's not why I'm calling.

Mom said Dad died of cancer.

- On the show?! - CARY: Yeah.

- BROOKE: Okay, don't worry, I'll take care of it.

- How? - I don't know,

I'll figure something out, it's what I do now.

How was bartending?

- I think bad.

I just stood, half-naked, behind Mom all night.

- Yeap, can't imagine what that's like.

- DIRECTOR: Alright, let's do the grinding.

- Cary, I've gotta go. - DIRECTOR: Okay, cue playback.

[chuckling] And...action.

- ♪ This goes out to all my stinky boys and stinky girls ♪

♪ If you stinky with me, put your hands up ♪

- DIRECTOR: Awesome. - Oh, my god.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you, thanks, yeap, he's 13, he's 13, he's 13.

- ♪ Ain't a party 'til you reek ♪

♪ So dance until you stink

- Ah, hey. - Hey, fun show.

- Yeah, yeah, thanks for trying to include me at the end,

I felt, uh, stupid back there.

- No, no, come on, we're all actors.

We all gotta hustle, right?

- Totally, yeah.

This is crazy, but, I think I went to the same

theater school as your cousin?

- Really? - Yeah.

- Small world. - Yeah.

- Oh, crap, you know, I forgot my headphones.

You take it, though. - Okay.

- Nice to meet you. - Oh, yeah, nice to meet you.

- [sighs] God.

- Now, Patrick, I heard on Candyland you had

sort of a running prank with Margot Robbie.

- Aw, look at your little nipples,

you're so cute.

- No, I'm not. - Okay, I know

you're not gonna believe me, but you come off very endearing.

- PAT: Mm-hmm. - BROOKE: Also, you look hot.

I mean, you're literally up Patrick Wilson's ass, but--

- He was actually very nice. - He was.

- Oh, my god, I'm so sore.

- Did it make you sad that you weren't still dancing, Brookie?

- Um, no, actually, I like what I'm doing.

Plus, if I had kept dancing, I'd be starting over now anyway,

so I guess in some ways I got a headstart.

- That's beautiful. - Thanks, Mom.

- No, I mean the top that I'm wearing.

I chose the right one.

- Yeah, you look great.

Oh, and I guess congrats on the book

that appeared out of nowhere.

- Aw, thank you. - ANDY: "How do you juggle..."

- Oh, no, this is the part that I messed up.

- ANDY: "Is there a Mr. Dreams to lighten the load?"

- Um, no, um...he actually passed away.

- Well, that's all the time we have.

Thank you to Patrick Wilson-- - Oh, Cary, you fixed it.

Thank you so much.

- No, no, don't thank me, thank Brooke.

- I told you I'd take care of it.

Um, but Mom, I think maybe now we should talk about Dad?

- Yeah, Mom, maybe it's time to tell Chase the truth.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, but...not now.

I'm just--guys I'm so tired from my big day with Andy.

[yawns] Hit the hay.

But soon. Yeah, okay, goodnight, guys.

[smooch] I love ya.

- Okay...

- How did you get that edited out?

- Well, Andy wanted to collab with Chase, so,

let's just say I found a way to make that happen.

Goodnight.

- I do look hot.

- ♪

♪ Patty cake, Patty cake, baker's man ♪

♪

♪ Bake me a party as dope as you can ♪

♪ Been to a lot of places

♪ Partied in Miami, Argentina and Ibiza, too ♪

♪ Never leave the dance floor

♪ Always find me sweatin' with my whole Dream crew ♪

♪ We dance all day, dance all night ♪

♪ Dance until we don't smell right ♪

♪ Dance until we

♪ Stink, stink, stink, stink

♪ Ain't a party 'til you reek

♪ So dance until you

♪ Stink, stink, stink, stink

♪ Make your jeans smell for a week ♪

♪ Dance until you...

♪

♪ No need to drink

♪ Just dance until you

♪

♪ Even the walls should stink

♪ Never take a shower

♪ Don't have time to wash my body when I'm twerking ♪

♪ All night long

♪ And man, I'm getting sour

♪ But the ladies love it

♪ When my body smells all jank and wrong ♪

♪ My pits smell wrong, my neck smells wrong ♪

♪ My whole body smells wrong

♪ That's because I

♪ Stink, stink, stink, stink

Just...think of him as your little brother.

Okay, well, your family is...not like mine.

Does this make you uncomfortable?

Good.