Original subtitles

- I love days where I don't have to work

and I can just run errands and look like trash.

- I know. I'm not even wearing underwear.

- Yeah, me neither.

I mean, I'm not seeing anybody I know,

so why would I?

- I actually probably should.

My dick always pops out of these pants.

Ugh, I hate walking around with toilet paper.

It's so embarrassing.

- Why? Everyone knows you have a butthole

and poop comes out of it.

- Hey, you're okay.

- See? She agrees.

- Hey, gay.

- Huh, not sure that's about your butthole.

But, I mean, I guess kinda?

- Wait, what is going on?

- Hey, you're the guy from that video.

- Oh, no, sorry. I don't think so.

- Yeah, the little kid's music video

about his gay brother.

- What?

- Oh, um, Care, look at this.

I think I found what they're talking about.

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey, oh

- ♪ My brother's brave

♪ My brother's wise

♪ My brother doesn't like girls ♪

♪ He likes guys

♪ He kisses men

♪ That turns him on

♪ And if you think that's gross ♪

♪ Well, then I think you're wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause I think it's cool

♪ My brother's gay

♪ And that's okay

♪ The haters may hate

♪ But I love how he's gay

♪ He is so gay in every way ♪

♪ My brother Cary is gay

♪ And that's okay

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey, oh

- ♪ And that's okay

- What the f--

[funky music]

Where is Streeter?

Why is no one picking up? Ugh.

- Okay, can we just take one sec

and laugh about how funny this is?

- I can't be in a teen's music video.

Do I just show up at the label

and tell that Shuli woman to take it down?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I got to do.

- Okay, or you leave it up

and you get, like, a trillion new followers.

- Ew, I don't want those followers.

They're all like @ChaseDreamsFeet.

- Wow, he is getting famous.

- What if casting people see this?

Oh, my God, what if Grandma sees this?

- Wait, does Grandma not know that you're gay?

- No, she's 85.

I thought I'd just let her die in peace

without ever truly knowing who I am.

- Wow, cool brain, Care.

- Shuli, the video's at 5 mil.

- Great, can we get him on the OUT100 yet?

- No, they said it's still just for gay people.

- God, that is so unfair.

[knocks on door]

- Hey, uh, Shuli?

[overlapping chatter]

- Gay brother.

- You know, my brother's gay.

- I have a gay brother.

- My brother's gay too.

- Yes, okay,

that's sort of why I'm here.

Can I talk to you in private?

- One sec. Brooke, where have you been?

Chase needs his assistant.

- Oh, um, I just sort of figured

when you started a new job you had a few days

to, you know, get your life together.

- Why would you think that?

- Sorry, Shuli, can we talk, like, now?

It's very important, and I can't get ahold of Streeter.

- No one's told you.

There was an emergency.

Streeter and your mom had to take Chase to a specialist.

- Oh, my God, what happened?

- [sighs]

You may want to sit for this.

Chase has a...

a pimple.

- Ugh.

- A pimple?

- Look, if you need to barf, go ahead.

I did.

But we're gonna get through this

as--as a team.

You know, we just may have

to transition him to sexy sooner than we thought.

- Okay, I'm gonna cut to the chase.

- Trademark.

- I want that video down, all right?

It's humiliating, and I feel exposed.

- Your dick's out. - Oh.

- Cary, what's the problem?

Everyone here loves the video.

I mean, its message is so strategic,

important. I said important.

- And the gay community is eating it up.

Ellen just tweeted about it.

[all gasp]

- We got Ellen

or whatever little twink runs her account.

- Okay, well, I want it down.

I'm an actor... [cell phone buzzes]

And this could be terrible for my career.

Sorry.

It's an agent asking if I have representation.

I guess she saw the video.

Shit, this is one of the biggest agencies.

- Care, that's amazing.

- Yeah, I could maybe leave Skip finally.

- Yeah.

So like I was saying, I love the video.

It's awesome.

I want you guys to keep it up.

I love you cuties. Thank you.

- All right, so I guess I better get to work.

All I'm gonna need from you guys is Beyoncé's cell.

Gotta set up a collab on, you know, like, a song,

ooh, or a jean.

- That's not your job.

We have you in a very small office

responding to fan mail.

- Shouldn't I be doing something more creative?

I mean, come on, with my background?

- What is your background?

- I went to the School of American Ballet 11 years ago.

- Well, then no.

Listen, Brooke, your brother's fans love him

because he's real.

But now he's getting too busy to be real,

so we need you to be real for him.

- Shuli, we have a problem.

The gays are turning on the vid.

They're saying it's, quote... "so five years ago."

[all groan]

- That's the worst thing you can be.

- "Dear ChaseDreams,

"I've been in the hospital for seven weeks

"and it's not looking good.

"Could you send me a T-shirt?

"You're my favorite singer ever.

Love, Rachel Klein."

- Poor girl.

Such terrible taste in music.

- Hey, how's it going in here?

- Oh, some of these letters are really intense.

A grown woman sent Chase underwear.

- That happens a lot. You can just toss 'em.

- Oh, I mean, can't waste brand-new underwear.

Am I right, girl?

- Those are not brand-new.

Women wear them and send them dirty.

Don't even touch them.

- Of course not.

- And don't eat any of the food.

- Uh-huh.

- Anyway, Shuli wanted me

to introduce you to Chase's lawyers.

There's, like, 100 of them, and they're all, like, 25.

- Yeah, I'll go meet some lawyers.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I meant there's 25 of them,

and they're all, like, 100.

- Mm, um, you know, I'm actually--

I'm in the middle of some very important fan outreach.

Yeah, there's a sick girl.

She's dying, actually.

So I need to personally bring her a Chase T-shirt.

So off I go.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

[phone ringing]

- I have a meeting with an agent.

- We all do. This is an agency.

- Cary? - Yes.

- [gasps] Oh, Pitzi Pyle.

Thank you so much for coming in.

I saw you in the vid.

I am gagging for you, faggot.

Come on back.

- Sorry, I was--uh, I was gonna change,

but you told me to come down here ASAPF,

I thought the F was a typo,

but now I think I know what it stands for.

- Yas, faggot. [laughs]

Wait, should we do this meeting here or while we're shopping?

- I guess here?

- Aw, Pitzi sad.

- Oh, oh, no.

I'm sorry, we can--

- Wait, you believed me.

Oh, my God. You're so cute.

You're, like, the sweetest person I've ever met.

Like, will you be my best friend?

Like, legally, we're bound to be best friends now.

And that's really good for you because I'm the top agent here.

- Oh, you are? - Yeah.

I have the most clients, okay, 10,000.

[mouths words]

- Oh, how is that manageable?

- But enough about me.

Okay, dish. I want to hear everything.

Where are you from? What's your deal?

What makes you tic? Everything.

- Well, I'm from Ohio,

uh, like all the greats.

- [screams and laughs]

Oh, my God, wait.

So you're, like, the funniest person that ever lived.

Okay, I'm obsessed with you.

Josh, get in here! You have to hear this.

He's gonna love this.

Okay, Cary, tell Josh where you're from.

- Ohio.

- But do the other part.

- It's--it's where all the greats are from.

- [laughs boisterously]

- [mouths words] - Oh, God. Oh, my God.

[screams]

- Hi, I'm looking for a patient named Rachel Kline.

She's here and dying.

- Okay, that's not how we talk out loud in a hospital.

Are you family or celebrity?

- Oh, um, celebrity?

- Okay, we're actually already checking on that name for P!nk,

so you can go ahead and have a seat next to her assistant.

- Which one is her--

I found her.

- Wow, you look exactly like P!nk.

- It's like dogs and their owners.

This was me when I first started.

- Whoa, when is that?

- Four weeks ago.

You don't look like anyone famous.

Did you just start?

- Oh, today's my first day, actually.

- Well, let me give you some advice.

Never let your boss get into aerial gymnastics.

- Oh, don't worry.

I'm not gonna be an assistant for long.

It's not like a career or anything.

- Your loss.

P!nk's first assistant is now the CEO of her apparel company.

- Whoa, really?

- I mean, it's just leotards for aerial gymnastics,

but she's rich.

- Sorry, ladies, there's no patient here

by the name of Rachel Kline.

- What?

- Oh, I want to talk career with you.

Okay, do you know who Meryl Streep is?

- Yes. - I don't. I don't.

Because she's old, and old is bad.

Okay, young is good.

Do you know how many views your video has?

15 million!

- It does? - Yeah.

And that means I can make you

the most famous person in the world...

For the next 14 hours.

- Well, you know, uh, I think I'm looking for

a little bit more longevity than that.

I guess I just want, like, a-- you know, maybe a small part

in a miniseries, or, you know, a role in a director's...

- [snoring]

- Hello?

- [snoring]

- Hey, Shuli, it's Cary.

Listen, I changed my mind.

I'm actually gonna need that video to come down.

- No can do, Care.

Tomi Lahren just called it an affront to family values.

The gays are back on board.

[all cheering]

- [sighs]

- Wait, I'm sorry.

Why isn't there a Rachel Kline here?

- This happens all the time.

It's a dude, some middle-aged perv who wants attention.

- Ew, but then why would he pretend to be in a hospital?

- They don't think anyone will actually show.

They just hope you feel bad enough

to send a bunch of free crap to their house

probably so they can jack off into it.

- Ugh.

- Check the return address.

- It says New Jersey.

- Exactly, where the pervs live.

- Okay, but if this keeps happening,

why do you keep showing up?

- Because one time out of ten it really is a dying girl,

and if you don't show up, it's bad optics.

And P!nk doesn't do bad optics.

She does near-constant aerial gymnastics.

- Well, I'm gonna go to New Jersey

and I'm gonna confront this sick perv.

You want to come?

- No, I have to find

some other dying kid to take a photo with.

- Oh.

- ♪ Haters may hate but I love how he's gay ♪

- Hey, are you from that music video?

- Oh, um, yes,

but I'd love to do a miniseries one day,

like a "Fargo" or something.

- Oh, that's cool.

Um, I just wanted to say that I came out to my mom today

sort of because of that video.

- Oh. - I was scared,

but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

So I guess this is weird, but, um, thanks?

- That's--wow, that's-- that's nice.

Can I, um--can I give you a hug or something?

- Sure.

Okay, see ya.

- Bye.

- And good luck with your miniseries.

- Thanks.

[cell phone buzzes]

- Shuli. - Hey, Shuli,

I guess you could leave the video up.

Uh, I'm okay with it now.

- Too bad, Care. It's coming down.

The A.V. Club just said it's "no 'Moonlight.'"

- Was it supposed to be?

- It doesn't matter, Cary!

They said it, and now we're fucked.

[knocks on door]

- [scoffs]

- He--hello.

- Just what I thought, a pervert.

- Excuse me?

- You think you are so smart,

pretending to be a dying girl so what?

A teen will send you a T-shirt and you can nut in it?

Well, here's your little tee, perv.

Nut away.

Oh, yeah, you should cry.

Oh, good, all your little pervert friends are crying too.

And they're all in black.

- [sobbing]

So Rachel wasn't at the...because she...

- [sobs]

- I am so sorry

for your loss.

- Yo, what up, roomie?

- Hey, you, um-- you smell good.

- Got to, going out with Abby tonight.

Don't want my junk to stink

if she's gonna be down there, you know?

- Totally.

Your, uh--your dick looks good.

- Thanks.

So does yours.

- What? Oh, stupid pants.

- ♪ Ah, my young boys in the truth ♪

- ♪ True, true, true - ♪ Truth

♪ When you see a real one you better salute ♪

- ♪ Young boys in the truth - ♪ True, true, true

- ♪ Truth

♪ When you see a real one, you better salute ♪

- ♪ Lute, lute, lute - ♪ Lute, lute

♪ Young boys in the truth

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop.

- What's up, dude?

Am I doing it wrong?

- No, no, no, no. That was--

That was great, um.

I mean, it was a little dry.

It was kind of like a turtle eating a carrot.

But that's not, uh-- that's not the problem.

I can't do this anymore.

- Oh, okay.

- 'Cause every time we do this, it's great or whatever,

but I just feel like shit after.

- Oh, no. You do? Why?

- Because you don't actually like me.

And that makes me feel pathetic, okay?

And I'm not pathetic.

I'm a gay icon.

- Whoa, hey, that's cool.

- Yeah. - Since when?

- This morning. Yeah.

And I don't know if you're secretly gay

or if you're just straight and you like attention,

but either way, it fucking sucks for me.

This sucks for me, and "Survivor" sucks.

"Survivor" sucks.

I can't believe you watch the same seasons

over and over and over.

It's the same thing.

- Well, not Micronesia.

- Okay, yeah, that season did change the game, but--

- Listen, I--I'm sorry, Care.

I--

I love you, man.

- No, that's so annoying.

No, you don't.

You don't love me,

and you know what's humiliating is, I weirdly love you,

and that is so dumb because you never give me anything ever!

Nothing!

So from now on, we're just roommates.

That's it, and when you watch TV,

I need you to wear a shirt, preferably a turtleneck.

- Okay, all right. - Thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have something I've been meaning to do for eight months.

- ♪ My brother's gay and here to stay ♪

♪ So, haters, you better stay out of his way ♪

♪ And if you are listening, then I want to say ♪

♪ Cary Dubek, you are gay

♪ And that's okay

- I'm so sorry for your loss.

[sighs]

I'm so sorry I'm wearing Halloween boxer shorts.

- Excuse me.

How do you know the deceased?

- Oh, she was a big fan of my little brother's,

and I'm here on his behalf because he loved her.

He respected her,

and he...

Wait, I'm sorry, who's this bitch?

- The deceased.

Grandma Elaine.

- So she wrote the letter?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to speak ill of the dead,

but that woman was a sex pervert.

[all gasp]

Yeah, she pretended to be

this little girl named Rachel Kline

so that my brother would send her a T-shirt

so she could, I don't know,

rub it all over her old titties.

- Oh. - Gross.

- Wait, I'm Rachel Kline.

- Sorry, what?

- I wrote that letter to Chase

'cause I was at the hospital with my grandma

and I was sad, so I wanted a T-shirt.

- [sighs]

So today is my first day in the industry,

and I would like to apologize for everything

that I have said and done.

Rachel, how do I make it up to you?

Do you want Chase's autograph, my autograph?

[chuckles]

- Well, I have a school dance next week.

Maybe Chase could be my date?

- Shuli, great news.

The gays are back on board.

- What? How?

- Countess Luann just posted an emotional response to it.

- From the "Real Housewives"?

Oh, my God. Do you know what this means?

Our video is officially camp.

[champagne pops] [cheering]

Give me these, yes.

- Sorry, just, uh, grabbing my, uh, toilet paper here.

I forgot it.

And I know this seems like a lot,

but it lasts me, like, three months, so...

- Relax, Cary.

It's time to celebrate.

You're camp.

[cheering]

- You're gonna live on forever in the gay community

as a joke, something the gays laugh at but also love,

like Britney.

- Okay.

- Cool, what are we celebrating?

- Nothing, fun's over. [glass shatters]

Okay, look, we have the gays,

but now we need to swing back

and get the regular people again.

- So boring. - Ugh, lame.

- So how do we get them?

We gotta do something sweet, something wholesome.

- Maybe Chase could perform at a cancer charity.

- Yeah, that's perfect.

Chase said that his dad died of cancer.

- Oh, shit, that is what Mom told him.

- Should we tell them that's not true?

- Gay then cancer?

We can't do two sad things back to back, come on.

- Two sad things?

- Come on, more ideas, people.

Something that will appeal to middle America,

you know, like football, families, fields, corn.

- Oh, Chase could post a picture eating corn.

- Not actual corn, Renee.

You're fired. Get me a new Renee.

- [huffs]

- Uh, maybe he could go to a school dance

with a sweet, suburban teen?

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

If Chase goes to a dance with one small-town girl,

he'll have all small-town girls wet for him.

- Ew, that is not what I meant.

- Brooke, you're a genius.

Cary, you're a star.

I love this family. Uh!

- Shuli, um, I did want to say

that, um, I'm glad you kept the video up.

Um, it was weird at first,

but it actually helped me

realize some things about myself that I--

- [snoring] - Okay.

[bass-heavy dance music]

- I am so glad you decided to come here with me.

I've been, like, 500 times.

Everyone here loves me.

- Everyone here hates her.

- I'm gonna go get us more drinks.

- Whoo!

It's you!

- Hey, Cary.

- Oh, hey, good to see you.

- Yeah, you too.

I loved you in the video.

- Oh, thanks.

Um, it's been kind of a weird day.

Uh, but good, you know. It's--

- I bet, I bet.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- Um, would you maybe want

to, uh, get food with me sometime?

- Oh, y--

Yeah, yeah, no, I'd love that.

- Cool. - Yeah.

- Wait, why didn't you ask me out

the whole time we were doing that play together?

- Yeah, I didn't know you were gay.

- Oh, oh, thanks. Um.

- Oh, uh, thanks?

- No, no, no, no. Not--

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just, uh-- never mind.

But it's really good to see you.

Bye. - Bye.

- ♪ My brother's brave

♪ My brother's wise - Oh, my God!

- ♪ My brother doesn't like... ♪

- It's under Billy Eichner.

- Cary, Cary, get out here!

They're playing your song!

- ♪ My brother's gay and here to stay ♪

- [laughs] Wow.

Whoo!

- ♪ Yes, my brother's gay

- Whoo!

- I think I'm kind of fucked up.

- Me too, whoo!

I'm his assistant!

- ♪ And that's okay

I love you, Cary.

- [laughs obnoxiously]

Oh, my God. [coughs]

I really needed this.