Original subtitles

- (Car horn beeps) - Whoa!

Oi, pillock. What's your problem?

- My problem? - Yeah!

If I'm standing on a zebra, what does that mean?

- It means you're a circus act. - Ten miles an hour.

My car will not go that slow, mate. It's got an engine in it.

- I'm not Fred Flintstone. - Don't push me.

Oh, yeah? I'm your worst nightmare.

Are you? What, you're a sarcastic rabbit?

- What? - My worst nightmare.

It talks to me, it's very patronising.

That's a girl's nightmare!

You're facing a charge of speeding and possible assault.

Is it a citizen's arrest?

I've got an ex-colleague who can take care of it.

- A dead lollipop lady? - I used to be a police officer.

- Did you? - Yeah.

- What are you now? - Now I'm a... I'm a...

Something more serious here at the hospital.

Serious-er than a sarcastic rabbit?

- Yeah? All right. - (Car horn beeps)

All right, mate, hold on. Hold on!

Yeah. Er... Ian?

Hello, mate.

Licence plate Echo-four-Tango...

Tango, mango, bango!

Mike-three-four-Tango. And show no mercy.

Salad!

- For the record don't kill him. - Not a problem, Matthew.

Right, you, it's your lucky day. I've got bigger fish to fry.

But let me tell you,

pickpocketing is second only to murder in my books.

All right? Now do one.

(Exhales) Right.

Where's my phone?

Ripped By mstoll

There's a new love starting

And I wanna play a part in it

Hey.

Hey!

You're going the wrong way again.

- It's room 5. - Yes. Erm... Er... I...

Do you want me to write it down for you? Room 5.

I'll take those.

(Groans) Stupid, stupid, stupid, tiny man.

OK, I'm assuming that's your ex-husband.

Unless it's Louis Walsh?

Oh, Lisa, you don't wanna get married, do you?

I am very flattered and I will consider the offer.

No, not to me, just to anyone. Like your fella, Ryan.

Ryan and marriage go together like a horse and cabbage.

He's not a big fan of children either.

- Snap. - Spoken like a true midwife.

Just because I work in a fish finger factory

doesn't mean to say I have to like fish fingers.

Oooh, I had no idea.

- What about? - About your other job.

I don't have another job.

No, I understand if you wanna keep the other job under wraps.

- Your secret is safe. - It's not a secret.

That's the spirit. Get it out there in the open.

By the way, Mrs Edward and I are very partial to a fish finger.

Or 12, if you know what I mean?

(Makes popping sound) Ball's in your court.

Been on the gas and air.

(She sighs)

- What took you so long it? - I'm here for you now.

Well, do something then! Rub my back.

No, wait! Get me ice.

I need ice. No, wait! My feet - rub my feet.

- Don't touch me! - Ooh, everything OK?

Fine. I don't think we need a porter at the moment, thank you.

He's not a porter, he is our midwife.

You would have met him

if you hadn't had to take that urgent call.

I told you, honey, it was work.

Don't you "honey" me.

You are a complete waste of space!

OK, let's calm down, shall we?

I'll just have a little feel.

Would you miss your wife giving birth because of work?

Erm... probably not.

- You wouldn't, being a midwife? - No, I suppose.

- If you had a different work? - I did used to be...

Your wife might think work was important.

- I don't have a wife. - You said you did.

- No... - You just said

you wouldn't miss her giving birth.

I thought we were doing a hypothetical thing.

The main thing is I'm here now.

(Phone vibrates)

Although I do just have to take this one.

Seriously. Excuse me if I don't show you to the door.

I'm sorry. Can you hold the fort?

Yes, certainly. Which bit's the fort?

- Hm? - Nothing.

What does that say?

- 5? - 1.

- It looks a bit... like a 5. - No, it doesn't.

I've got number dyslexia. I'm 50% number blind.

- 10%... number... blind. - Room 5.

Do you need a Sat Nav?

- (Message alert) - We have a wandering father.

I may need to put a label round his neck.

Brilliant, Ryan's had an argument with some guy

- after he dropped me off. - You need some muscle?

I think he'll be fine. Thanks, though, Pat.

Just say the word. I'll crack a few heads.

I had two protein shakes for breakfast.

Well, what's up?

It's Ryan, her boyfriend, he's been in a fight.

- Really? - Not a fight.

He just had a run-in with some poncey tit

outside the hospital by the zebra crossing.

- Your boyfriend? - Mm-hm.

What erm? What did he er?

What was... what was the erm? Poncey?

- Did he say poncey? - Yep.

What else did he say?

That the guy was spouting a load of bollocks

about reckless driving.

I wonder if this other guy maybe had a point.

- What? - Hm? No, probably not.

You're right. I think you have to look at things from every...

side of the angle.

Police training.

It's lucky it wasn't the police.

He can't afford another three points on his licence.

Why, how much does that cost?

Oh, God, I hate poncey people like that.

Why can't they just get a life? If I could get my hands on him.

- What would you do? - She'd hand him over to Pat.

I would rip off his poncey little spuds

and then give them back to Pat for one of her protein shakes.

Actually, I just need to go and check something.

Yes, Melanie. Yes, yeah.

I know. They had a lot of work to tell me!

Alice. Well, of course I remembered your banana.

Hello... Yes, Melanie. You still in pain?

I'll... I'll be there... there in a jiffy.

I love you. Yeah. I love you. Bye.

Sorry, can't use one of those in here - let alone two.

Yes, of course.

You might wanna get back to the fort. She's not far to go now.

- It's er... - Thank you.

Ian, disregard the other phone call, OK? Do not track him down.

Mistaken identity. Do not track him down.

I dunno, maybe it wasn't Ryan's fault. Maybe people pick on him?

- (Scoffs) - What?

Huh? No, I just erm... Why would anyone pick on Ryan?

You know, unless he broke the law and became really offensive

- or something weird like that. - Cos he's a butcher.

- Do people pick on butchers? - Some people do, yeah.

- What people? - Vegetarians.

Or maybe cos he's really, really attractive.

- (Scoffs) Hardly. - Excuse me?

No, just er... going on what I've heard.

Word on the street is that my boyfriend's not attractive?

No. Word on the street is maybe he's a bit aggressive.

- What? - He is.

Well... verbally, maybe.

- A bit. - Nice.

But he's just got a short fuse. Haven't we all?

BOTH: No.

Well, he's got other qualities.

He's very good with meat.

- Banana! - Aw, thanks, babe.

- What's that in your pocket? - Nothing.

Aw, are they chocolates? Aww, that's so sweet.

- Yes. - "For Melanie?"

Yeah. I thought we could call it Melanie if it was a girl.

"Sorry for being a waste of space."

- Yeah, I was thinking ahead. - Ahh!

Now you're back, you can say something useful.

- Erm... push. - No, I say that.

- Say something reassuring. - You're doing a good job.

- Not me, to her. - Erm...

You look... you look nice, Alice.

Oh, my God, my ankles are like torpedoes.

Do not look at my fat ankles.

- (Phone vibrates) - It hurts, though. It hurts.

Why don't you have some more gas and air?

- I'll go top up the car. - No, don't go. No.

Oh, I think it's coming now. I need you.

- Hey, hey. I'm here for you. - Hold my hand, stay with me.

(They kiss)

(Gasps)

- Er... who are you? - Yes, who are you?

Hi, I'm Matthew. One of Pat's friends on the midwife team.

Colleague. I'll be back in five.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Again. - Hm?

Hello again. Are you not erm?

Ricky, are you hiding from me?

I'm disgusting now I'm having your child, is that it?

No, no, no. Here I am.

- Still here. - Aww, Ricky.

I love you. Say it back.

- I love you. - Alice.

- Alice. - Loads.

- Loads. - I love you, Alice, loads.

- Put it in a sentence. - I love you, Alice, loads.

- I love you a lot. - I love you lots.

Never gonna leave you. Look at me as you say it.

- Never gonna leave you. - Aw, darling.

- Oh, Ricky. (Giggles) - Mm. Mm. Mm.

- Ricky? I'm just gonna go... - Mmmmm!

...to er... room 1

if you feel like joining me any time... soon.

Mm, mm, mm!

- Oh, Ricky. - I've got to top up the car.

What? Ricky, no!

- Don't forget you love me! - I love you.

Keep saying it to yourself.

"I love Alice." It should be your mantra.

Ian, just checking you got my message. Do not track him down.

Do not arrest him. Repeat, do not arrest him.

- I don't believe this. - What?

- He's been arrested. - No!

- Who... I mean, who? - Ryan.

- Arrested? No. - Yes.

Are you looking at this from a different angle

- or contradicting me for fun? - No, I believe you. I just...

Arrested doesn't make sense, does it? How could that happen?

He thinks it's to do with the argument he had.

- That seems hugely unlikely. - Does it?

Yeah, I'd probably rule it out, having thought about it.

You've thought about it for three seconds.

(Ringtone)

Ian. Yes. Listen.

Yes. OK, stop talking.

Listen, that thing I mentioned, yeah, let it go.

No, the thing that I mentioned. Let it go.

Yeah, the thing that you brought in, put it back out.

Just put it back outside, the thing you took in.

The dustbin that you brought inside...

...free it back outside.

Thank you, bye.

- My mum, she's er... hopeless. - You just called her Ian.

Mm-hm. I did, yeah.

Short for Liann.

Leanne. Sorry.

Erm...

- (Phone vibrates) - Oh...

- (Whistles) Matt, mate? - What are you doing here?

You put the dustbin back out, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's sorted.

You won't believe this. Initial inquiry into my misconduct case,

- they've give me the S-word. - What? Syphilis?

Suspension. They've suspended me.

- Oh, God. - Without pay.

Because of hassling the guy today?

No, but I got dodgy looks

when they saw what was on the charge sheet.

- Please say deer poacher. - Traffic terrorist.

I'm gonna need you as a character witness.

Let them know what a responsible person I am.

(Muffled speech)

You have just suffocated this pregnant lady.

- Sorry, you're glowing. - When's your hearing?

Three months. Can't wear the uniform.

I hope you're not wearing flying squad underpants.

No, they're in the wash. Can you believe this?

Me? Me, suspended?

Hm... I mean, you did lose the gun, didn't you?

And that big stack of cannabis.

People lose things, Matthew.

Keys, people lose, Ian. Murder weapons, not so much.

- Can you get me some drugs? - I didn't take it, OK?

It went missing, it's lost. I can't get you anything.

That's not what she means. She means pain relief for the birth.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

This guy Richard, his wife's in room 1.

I swear I've just seen him in 5 with Alice Brewer.

I know, men - they all look the same, don't they?

- I'm serious. - Birthing partner?

- No, they kissed. - People kiss all the time.

Nope, it was more than just a general-purpose kind of kiss.

- General-purpose? - Mm-hm.

You know, like a... kind of thing.

OK, what were they doing?

- Hello? - Er... more like a erm...

You know.

- He was sucking her arm? - No, on the face.

Like that, but on the mouth.

- Oh, so inside the mouth? - I didn't take an X-ray,

but you know what I'm saying - a kiss. On the mouth.

Like... like... (Clears throat)

Pat, er... that guy in there just now, he's with her, right?

He's the baby-father?

Oh, you don't miss much with your police training, do you?

Well, there's a problem.

Not enough lemongrass in your candle?

I better call Ryan.

Hey, I've got a husband and wife called Robert and Roberta.

It's one of those really crazy mornings.

I can top that.

I've got a guy who's got two women

about to give birth at the same time.

How do you like them apples?

Actually, it's those apples. Sorry to be a pendant.

Pe... OK, got it. Thank you.

Caitlin, can I ask you something?

Erm... is honesty always the best policy

with regard to fellow staff members?

Look, if you're gonna pay me a compliment, Matthew,

- you know, just spit it out. - Compliment?

Yeah, I'm not gonna report you for harassment. I promise.

No, no, I meant er...

Supposing someone was trying to...

become good friends with someone else,

but they were worried they might have messed up.

Why don't we just go into my office?

You know, I could close the door and the blinds.

And... and my eyes.

No, no, no. No, no. Sorry.

Supposing I'd accidentally done something to upset this person,

should I tell them or keep quiet?

- I'd say tell me. - The person isn't you.

- Well, who is it, then? - I can't tell you.

- You don't want me to know? - I don't want Lisa to know.

- Lisa? - No, I don't want...

- Theresa to know. - Theresa?

Theresa... May, Home Secretary.

Why wouldn't you want her to know?

If she knows, everyone's gonna know, aren't they?

You know, there'd be questions in the House, Newsnight.

I don't want that.

OK.

Tash, Tash.

So I've just spoken to Ryan.

And he said the guy he had a row with this morning was tall,

was coming into the hospital at 8am,

and was an ex-policeman.

- Who does that remind you of? - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger? - Yeah, he's tall.

- But he wasn't a policeman. - He was.

- He's a policeman in something. - An actual policeman.

Well, he's tall, though.

Yes, yes, he's tall, I'll give you that.

But did he...

Did he come into the hospital at eight o'clock this morning?

I don't know. I've not got CCTV running through my brain.

OK, do you know of any ex-policemen

who work at this hospital?

Not apart from Matthew, no.

- Aha. - (Gasps)

I need your opinion. Have you got a second?

- A second opinion? - No, you're the first.

- Ooh, I'm honoured. - Objectively speaking,

- would you say... - Ah-ah-ah.

- I know what you're gonna ask. - Do you?

You are going to ask at what age

are women past the peak of their desirability?

I really wasn't. But, yes, go on then.

From the perspective of a happily married man,

I couldn't possibly say.

But being an unhappily married man, I can.

- And? - 83.

That's my mind put at rest for a couple of years.

You're welcome.

(Whistles)

You all right, mate?

People are wondering if you're a stalker.

The thing is, I need a job and wanted a quick word.

- Job Centre? - I thought about that. No.

Maybe you could put a word in for me here, mention my name.

- Know what I mean? - Mention your name?

- Let 'em know I'm available. - To do what?

(Scoffs) To do what you're doing.

- What? - I know it's not a man's job...

Ian, you can't just be a midwife.

- You are. - Yes, I...

Yeah, and why do you think I trained for three years?

Don't know. Were you a bit thick?

No, it's just...

- That's how long it takes. OK? - Hang on.

So what you're saying is I can't get casual labour as a midwife?

That's what I'm... No, you can't.

While you're in here, I wouldn't bandy the term casual labour.

What are you feeding them all?

(Rapid breaths)

Richard. Richard!

Hi, Ricky, it's Alice. Just wondering where you are, babes.

Remember you said you'd never leave me. All right, bye.

- Richard! - Hi, Ricky, it's Alice.

- How long does the car take? - Richaaaard!

Where are you?

(Groans)

- Do you want a cup of tea? - Nope.

- Can you pass me a tea bag? - Get it yourself.

- Well, you're right there. - Tough.

OK, what's going on?

You want to know what's going on?

- Yeah. - (Scoffs)

You want to know what's going on?

I haven't changed my mind since the last time you asked.

You know very well what's going on.

OK, now, erm... I know I'm supposed to be...

I know that I'm supposed to be supportive and everything.

- We had sex one time. - I don't think we did.

No, me and Alice. My... my... my mistress.

If you did it once, I'm not sure you can call her mistress.

You have to help me find a new identity. In Belgium.

Running away never solves anything, does it?

Unless there's a lion or something.

I'd rather face a lion than let Melanie find out.

A stickler for not fathering children

with other women, is she?

(Sobs)

OK.

OK. All right.

We'd broken up.

I went for a drink and then woke up with Alice,

because Alice had broken up with Darren, the photocopier guy.

- Sure. - And that... that was it.

(Groans) And then three months later,

Alice wanted us to be a thing,

but Melanie wanted us to get back together

and I just got stuck.

I didn't wanna upset anybody.

And then they both suddenly found themselves with child.

Bit biblical.

I've gotta continue this for the rest of my life.

Bit ambitious. But listen, erm... Richard/Ricky.

- It's Richard. - Richard.

Listen, I do understand.

OK? You know, I've been a little untruthful with a friend of mine

and now this friend might think it's a bigger lie than it was.

It's gonna be a logistical nightmare.

Stay with me while I draw a personal parallel.

- Sorry. - OK. The point is...

...you've gotta put it right.

Not with my friend, with your wife.

No, you're right.

You're... you're absolutely right.

I'll be straight with her, she'll respect that.

- Yeah. - I'll ring her from Belgium.

(Mouths) I won't.

Hi.

Hi.

OK, Melanie, this is daughter.

- Daughter, Melanie. - (Baby gurgles)

- Hello. Hello! - Isn't she lovely?

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

We need to talk about something.

- Not the perfect moment. - Oh, OK.

- What is it? - It's er... a girl.

Yeah, I know, you said.

Richard, what is it? What's the matter?

- Well... - Hey, stupid.

- Yes? - She's talking to me.

Both of you.

Stupids. Come outside.

Would you excuse us for one minute?

- (Baby cries) - Back in a minute. I love you.

Pat, neither of us likes being called stupid,

even if this one does slightly deserve it.

You missed Alice's delivery.

I did my best. It's hard to be in two places at the same...

- Whoa. - That's... that's erm...

Mm. Tell me a bit more about this Darren the photocopier guy?

I can tell you he's in room 5 right now.

Better late than never, he says.

I gave him a smack.

Yeah, I think I need a little chat with Alice, actually.

No, no, no, no. Come on, that's the past.

OK? This is now, the present.

I haven't got her a pr... Oh, yeah. I see.

- Oi, oi, zebra man. - Oh, hello again.

Yeah, I got your message about having a meet and a chat.

- I'm the sadistic rabbit. - Thank you for coming over.

- And you mean sarcastic. - No, I don't.

I can see why you might want to apologise.

I just don't know why you did it in person.

Why couldn't you write it on a post-it note like everyone else?

- You said he only got verbal. - Yeah, with me.

He's always punching other guys.

Especially when they're interfering

in co-workers' relationships.

Like I said, I didn't realise he was your boyfriend.

I just thought he was an arse.

Swear it?

I swear, I thought he was an arse.

Aargh. I see what you mean, sorry.

I'm impressed you just took it, though.

Yeah, well, I didn't really feel I had the right to hit him back.

Don't suppose you know if Arnold Schwarzenegger

ever played a police officer?

- Er... Well, there... - Kindergarten Cop and Red Heat.

Undercover police officer in Kindergarten Cop,

Russian police official in Red Heat.

Mrs Edward is a big fan.

I prefer the works of Peter Greenaway myself.

Intimate, this, isn't it?

When your faces are so close together in a work situation.

That is why we normally enforce a territorial bubble

of at least 11 inches.

Sorry, won't happen again.

I better er...

I can tell you're doing a little smile.

We can all do little smiles.

Hm. Apparently I can't.

Say you love me. Darren?

Say it. Say it. Go on, just say it, Darren.

Go on, babes. I... I love... I love you.

Darren, just open... I, just start with I. Darren?

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