Original subtitles

* Begin again *

* This time you should Take a bow at the very end *

* It's quite an act You put on *

* Wait till the cameras roll *

Ladies first.

Thanks.

* You're the leading man... *

Okay. I'm gonna need one large caffè misto

with soy milk, extra hot.

Next, a hot chai latte and-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

I'm ordering. Yeah, I know,

but I was here first.

And I'm just getting a black coffee.

One black coffee.

You said, "ladies first"?

BARISTA: Name?

Yeah, back there, not here.

Why? What's the difference?

Sir, name?

Hold on there, sporty.

Uh, the difference is, that over there,

I was being chivalrous. Over here,

you're being selfish, thoughtless and rude.

You live in a world with other people, okay?

Get your nose out of your phone, you might see that.

My phone?

I have the coffee order for work on here.

There's, like, a hundred drinks on that thing.

Why are you getting coffee for the whole office?

Never heard of Betty Friedan?

No, I-- Gloria Steinem?

Not a clue. Really?

No. Mm-mm. Not at all.

Maybe you need to be on medication.

I'm on medication called coffee.

I can't get it. I'm waiting for you

to order for everyone in your millennial clown car.

You're an asshole. I'm an asshole?

Yes. Yes, an asshole. I'm an asshole?

'Cause let's be real.

If I wasn't young,

and let's face it, kind of hot,

you wouldn't have held that door.

You were flirting.

And then, when you realized I showed no interest,

you got mad.

And then, all your chivalry

went right out the window.

So that's how you do it?

You take your own self-centered behavior,

and you flip it on me? Now, I'm supposed to be

the asshole--? BARISTA: Asshole?

Coffee for "Asshole."

Yeah, that's me.

There.

[***]

* The North Sea sings *

* Won't you come to me, baby? *

* Oh, won't you come to me? *

* The North Sea sings *

* Won't you come to me, baby? *

* Oh, won't you come to me? *

* The North Sea sings *

* Won't you come to me, baby? *

* The North Sea sings *

* Oh, won't you come to me? *

Okay, I see we got some new folks.

I'm Sam Loudermilk. I'm four years off the sauce,

and I'm super-duper excited

about getting you all on the road to sobriety.

MAN 1: All right. [CLAPS]

MAN 2: Yay.

So which one of you fuckups wants to go first?

Don't drink. Don't drink.

Don't drink.

Actually, I am a recovering meth addict.

Still good advice. Take a shower.

Hey, come here. Cisco.

How come you haven't been sharing?

'Cause everything's going good.

Okay. So how--?

How many days are you sober?

Um, I--

Yeah, no. You're lying to me.

Okay? There's no "um" in sober.

If you're sober, you know exactly how long

you've been sober.

Yeah, okay. I had a few beers.

What kind of beers?

Coors Light.

[SCOFFS]

That stuff's like water. That-- That doesn't count.

Really? No.

Of course it counts, you dope.

Come on.

I'm really trying, man. I--

Well, you gotta try harder.

Look,

life's about fucking things up, okay?

And then, un-fucking the things that you fucked up.

That's what makes you less of a fuckup.

Not lying about it.

Thanks.

I'll do better.

Well, just don't do worse.

Mr. Loudermilk, can I speak to you in private?

This isn't private?

Ahem, well, I suppose

it won't come as a surprise to you

that I've received anonymous complaints

about the way you're leading meetings.

Who?

No, I want names.

I can't give you the names. I just told you.

The complaints are anonymous.

It's the bingo bitches, isn't it?

[SIGHS]

Look, Loudermilk, let's face it.

You're not warm and fuzzy.

You're hard and angular and uncomfortable.

You're like an IKEA chair who leads sobriety meetings.

Be that as it may,

I think the work that your organization does

benefits a number of people.

And for that reason,

I would hate to have to suspend your meetings

because of one unruly facilitator.

Okay, so, am--?

Am I getting a prize or what?

I need a favor.

Mrs. Wilkes is an important member

of our church. Right now,

she's having trouble with her daughter.

God, help me.

I have a feeling that your brand of help

may be exactly what she needs.

You have a real knack

with people who have lost their way.

Yeah, um,

women are not exactly my area of expertise,

unless you want her to smash all your shit and move out.

My daughter, Claire,

she's a good girl.

Was a good girl.

Is she transitioning?

No. She's still a girl.

But now she's a bad girl.

My husband passed recently,

and since then, she's gotten out of control.

I try and talk to her

about enrolling in one of those heroin schools.

Rehab. But she won't listen to me.

Okay, well, I don't know, send her to a meeting.

I'll-- I'll talk to her. No.

She'll never do that. You have to go to her.

Yeah, here's the thing. I don't make house calls.

MRS. WILKES: Please.

Father Michael recommended you very highly.

Well...

I wouldn't say "highly." Look, Loudermilk...

[CLEARS THROAT]

you go and talk to Claire,

and I won't suspend these meetings

or report you

for being one of the most horrible people

ever to set foot into--

All right, fine, fine, fine. I'll do it.

Where exactly will I find this fragile little flower?

[***]

[KNOCKS]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

Who the fuck are you?

Well, that's spoken like a Disney Princess come to life.

Again, who the fuck are you?

I'm Sam Loudermilk.

Your mother says you need professional help,

but I guess she settled on me. My mom's a cunt.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, she probably is.

She doesn't know shit about me

or what I want in my life.

So get the fuck out of here, asshole.

I just wanna get something out of the way.

I understand there's a shit-ton of sexual chemistry

between us, but not gonna happen.

Gross, you're like, 70.

I'm gross? You're like, 14 pounds.

Fuck you, man. Yeah.

Hyperbole for comic effect. Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Why don't you let me in?

Fine, come on in.

[EXHALES]

[CLUB MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

This is my boyfriend, Wyatt.

Yeah? Don't care.

You realize you gotta tell me if you're filming me?

Why would I be filming you?

Well, I figure there's gotta be a crew from Hoarders

around here somewhere.

So, what's up?

Are you lashing out at the unfeeling universe

because Dad's dead, or--?

I-- I-- What's your deal?

I don't have a deal.

I live my life the way I wanna live it.

Ah, okay.

Okay. See you.

What? What, what?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it. [CLAIRE CHUCKLES]

Aren't you supposed to, like, try harder or something?

Let me break this down for you.

I don't know you. I don't give a fuck about you.

You wanna drink and drug yourself

to an early grave? Great.

You're doing great. So why did you even come here?

Morbid curiosity.

I wanted to see if you were half the shit show

your mother said you were. Fuck you, man.

Here. That's my number. You want help, call it.

You wanna come to a meeting, great.

If not, exactly zero shits will be given by me.

Dude, you better get the fuck out of here now.

SAM: Yeah, I'm-- I'm going.

Not 'cause I'm afraid of you,

but 'cause it smells like

two garbage cans have been fucking in here.

[***]

Coming through.

Hey. Greatest Generation, come on, pick it up a bit.

Let's go. I'm trying.

Well, pretend I'm Ike, and that's Normandy,

and storm that shit.

Oh, my God.

Hey, watch it.

This Fender Kingman's six months of your rent.

Must be a piece of shit then

because I share an alley-view apartment with another dude.

[SIGHS]

Hi.

Hey.

Uh, hey, this is kind of embarrassing,

but I think you have a chair stuck to your back.

What? Where? Other-- Other shoulder.

Yeah, just keep-- No, no. Too far. Back.

Oh! Ha, ha! Ah! There you go.

Probably got it snagged at a restaurant or something

the last couple days.

Oh, crap. Not again. Ha-ha-ha!

I'm Allison.

I just moved into 2C.

Sam, 2B--

or not to be.

It is my apartment, heh. [CHUCKLES]

It actually is 2B though, so there's no confusion.

[GUITAR CLATTERS ON FLOOR] Oh, Mr. Ellis,

I was gonna call you about starting guitar lessons.

[ELLIS PANTING]

You okay? Yeah, sure.

I'm from the Greatest Generation. Right?

Oh, hey, can I help you with that, sir?

That looks pretty heavy.

You sure you don't wanna push me down again?

This guy body checked me on the stairs.

No, I scooted past you, okay? With minimal contact. I scooted.

Who rushes past an elderly person,

and body checks them?

I didn't body check him.

I might have bumped him a little bit, okay?

But that's it. He--

Look, he's old.

They exaggerate.

Well, I guess it's not "to be."

Asshead.

[***]

So then, he called me an asshead,

and she slams the door in my face.

Well, I mean, the "asshead" thing is fair.

Yeah, but she didn't know that yet, okay?

I was charming the balls off her.

You know, I got a question.

Why were you pushing an old man out of your way?

Because I was in a hurry.

For what? You got nowhere to be.

Well, maybe I wanna get nowhere faster.

So are you gonna try and make it up to her?

I don't know. What's the point?

[SIGHS] What's the point?

Point is, this is the first woman

you've had a meaningful connection with in years.

Yeah. She did really like my chair-on-the-shoulder bit,

which I ad-libbed.

Ha-ha-ha! That is funny.

"It looks like a chair's stuck to you."

Yeah.

Now you just gotta make it up to her.

Show her that you're a thoughtful, sensitive guy.

You mean fool her?

Yes.

How?

[***]

No, no, no.

You're banned from the store, Loudermilk.

I'm sick of you calling me a douche.

Relax, I come in peace.

I don't wanna argue about why Nirvana wouldn't exist

without bubblegum hits of the late '60s.

[SCOFFS] Man, that's so reductive.

"Reductive"?

Are we just making words up now?

Just because Cobain said, in one interview,

that the 1910 Fruitgum Company's version

of "Yummy Yummy Yummy"--

Yeah, hey, hey. All right, all right.

Hey, Captain Pompous, relax.

Get your talking points together,

we'll get back to this. We're on a mission.

Fine. What are you looking for?

Loudermilk knocked an old man down some stairs

in front of our hot new neighbor.

He's trying to make up for that.

Jesus, dude.

You're the fucking worst, man.

SAM: Oh, really? I'm the worst?

I'm worse than Hitler?

I'm worse than Saul Zaentz? I'm worse than Pol Pot?

Hey, isn't it weird that a guy with "pot" in his name

turns out to be so totally bogus?

[LAUGHS]

You've been sitting on that, haven't you?

An incredibly long time.

Thank you for teeing it up. Sure.

Who the hell's Saul Zaentz?

You don't know Saul Zaentz? Asshole producer.

Tried to charge Creedence to play their own music.

We had to listen to "Put me in, coach"

for years because of that fucker.

I love "Centerfield."

Well, you're an idiot.

Look, man, I gotta tell you. As your sponsor

and your only friend,

you make it hard for people to like you.

What are you talking about? I'm a people person.

Unless the people act like dickbags,

which they always do. Always do.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

"Andrés Segovia."

He's the greatest classical guitarist in the world

playing a bunch of romantic crap.

She'd like that shit, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Shows you were paying attention.

It's got the added bonus of being obscure,

which pretentious chicks love.

You think she's pretentious? I don't know. Let's hope so.

Great, let's get out of here. Okay.

Wait, how's she gonna listen to it?

Why do I give a shit if she listens to it?

Come on, Loudermilk.

Please, stop half-assing it.

I mean, finish something for once in--

Here we are, this is good. Perfect.

Ben to the rescue again.

Cheap. Only 60 bucks. Okay.

Uh, one more favor. No, I-- I'm broke.

Bullshit. You got a hundo in your pocket.

I saw it when I was rifling through your pants.

Why are you rifling through my pants?

So, you can't pull this "I'm broke" bullshit.

You know, you really are an asshead.

Yeah.

[***]

[KEYS JANGLE]

Whoa! Hey, Allison. Hey.

Hey, Sam.

Remember? From the--? Yeah, yeah. I-- I remember.

Listen, yesterday, I didn't make a very good first impression.

And the thing is, is I'm a counselor

for people who abuse drugs and alcohol.

So I-- I'm dealing with people

who stack lies on top of lies all day.

And you gotta be, sometimes--

You know, you gotta be a little blunt.

You gotta be a little harsh

to cut through the bullshit with that.

But I recognize that it bleeds over a little bit

into my personal life.

So-- So it must be tough.

It's not an excuse to be rude though.

So I just wanted--

Well, I wanted to give you this.

You know, you said you were learning guitar.

And this is Andrés Segovia.

He's the Hendrix of guitar players.

He's terrific. Right.

You're gonna like him. His only failing is

he didn't OD, so nobody knows who he is, but--

Yeah.

Well, that's really nice of you, Sam.

But I don't have any way to play it.

Oh, well, yeah, you do.

I got a--

It comes with--

There's a-- [LAUGHS]

Wow, thank you. A latch.

Yeah, sure. There you go. There you are.

You piece of trash.

I came to you for help, but you did nothing.

No, actually, you made it worse.

SAM: This is one of those fuckups that I was telling you about.

I think she's on the bath salts--

Don't you lie to her!

You called my daughter a slob, then tried to proposition her.

No, no, no. Hey, what I said was that I would not fuck her.

Then you insulted her hygiene?

Yes. But you gotta admit,

the girl smells a little bit like a rotting corpse. No?

You may have fooled Father Michael,

but I can see you

for the worthless human being you are.

You make me sick.

So Segovia is the first guy

to ever put nylon strings on a guitar.

And that blew the sound open, and it made the fingering--

Enjoy.

[***]

Hey, check it.

We've been kicked out 'cause of you.

[PEOPLE MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

Unbelievable.

Like, what kind of monster evicts you using comic sans?

Come on, Mike.

You can't just kick us out. I just did.

What about all the people who need help?

Well, that's on you, Loudermilk.

I made it very clear what would happen

if you didn't do your part.

Unlike you, I stick to my word.

Yeah, I'm not a miracle worker

like the bearded guy that you love so much.

You mean Jesus?

You asked me to talk to the girl, I talked.

Should've tried harder.

I tried plenty hard. She didn't go for it.

My decision is final.

You brought this on yourself.

So that's it? Yep, that's it.

Okay, fine. You know what? I don't need you.

I can think of a million places

that will open their doors to some people in need.

I started jerking off a few guys for meth money.

No big deal.

Before you know it, I was giving a couple of BJs.

It seems like I wasn't going more than five minutes

without a dick in my mouth.

Then I hit rock bottom.

And one day, I find myself in lockup,

getting into a shouting match with some know-it-all

about whether it's better to work the tip or the shaft

while diddling the balls.

[SIGHING]

That--

That wasn't me.

SAM: Okay. Okay, good sharing.

That's powerful stuff.

[PEOPLE MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

This was a horrible, horrible idea.

Uh... And that's on me.

We gotta get back to the church, but I'm gonna figure it out.

I don't want you guys to worry about it.

You're my number-one priority, okay?

Let's go.

I'm not a biologist or anything, but, uh,

it would have to be the shaft, right?

[DOOR BELL CHIMES, DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

Because that's where all the nerves are.

If you're working the balls though, that's a power move.

Really a matter of contrast. Guys, let's go.

[***]

Hey, Father.

All right, so I'm outside of a place called

"Kockblockerz." That sound right?

That is the worst name for a strip club I have ever heard.

Well, I don't think they understand marketing.

So if I talk to Claire,

you're gonna let us back in the church, right?

I'm a man of my word, Loudermilk.

All right.

I haven't been in a bar in five years,

so I hope you sleep well tonight.

All right, let's do it for the kids.

[GROANS]

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] {PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks.

Hm. Could be worse.

Can I get you a drink? No. No, no, no. Tra la la.

* Hell's flesh Made mountains... *

Yay. There she is.

Hey, Claire.

Hi. CLAIRE: It's you.

The asshole from my house. You're sweet, you remember.

I'm gonna spitball with you for a minute here.

I told my mom what you said to me, and she was pissed.

Yeah, I know.

You wanted to get me in trouble, it worked.

Oh. You got busted.

[CLAIRE YELPS]

Hey. No touching. It's all right.

No, I'm not touching anybody.

She's touching me.

It's okay, I know him.

Take it into the champagne room.

SAM: Yep, we're going. Thank you.

* I need a little ass To squeeze *

* With mouths, please *

* So I could operate I feel... *

Here. Let's get you some fresh air. Come on.

* ...and the lights go out *

[VOMITS, COUGHING]

[GROANS]

So as glamorous and fun as this all seems,

I've seen it before, and it doesn't end well.

You don't know anything.

I know how to barf

without getting it on my shoes.

[SIGHS]

[SHIVERING]

Here.

Just try not to get too much puke on it.

Why are you bothering me?

I'm trying to help.

You can't help me.

Nobody can.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Really, come on.

You think you're the only person who--?

You think I don't know misery and pain?

I was married for eight years.

And what happened?

She dumped your ass?

Big fucking surprise.

No, not exactly.

I took us out for a spin one night

after a couple bottles of Jack

and wrapped the car around a tree.

No, I was okay.

She wasn't.

Shit happens.

What are you gonna do?

Hurting yourself is easy,

but living is hard.

So Claire, what's the thing?

Okay, what's the big problem that nobody can help you with?

Come on, I'm in suspense.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep at night.

Just-- Just say it.

What the fuck is it?

I just--

I really miss my dad.

[***]

[CRYING]

I know.

I know you do.

Hey, dude, get away from my girlfriend!

Look, guys, guys, guys.

She's upset, all right?

I just gave an awesome speech.

Please tell me you heard some of it.

No, man. We missed it.

Let's hear it again, Shakespeare. Come on.

[GRUNTS] All right. Here you go.

Hey, I've been dicking around all night

looking for this girl,

so I can help some people

with real problems, okay?

So why don't you get out of my way,

or we're gonna do this the hard way.

[***]

So how'd you know to call me?

There are only three numbers in his phone.

You're the only one that answered.

Well, that's really, really pathetic.

[SAM COUGHING]

Oh! [SPITS]

Oh, my God. Gross. I'm out of here.

Is--? Is he okay?

Oh, who, "asshead" Sam?

No, he's fine.

Hey, I'm "kindhearted" Ben, by the way.

Hey.

What the hell were you doing in a bar?

Okay, you're a drunk. I'm a drunk.

Guys like us can't do that. I had to find the kid.

It was fine.

Yeah, looks like it went really great.

You gotta call me next time, man.

You're not ready to be alone like that.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Seriously? They punched your feet?

This will help with the swelling.

Oh. Thank you.

Hey, the teenage girl that I came in with,

you know I'm not hitting that, right?

Yeah, Ben filled me in on that. All right. Thanks.

Would it be all right if we forgot about

all that business earlier

and started over?

Are you gonna stop pushing old people down stairs?

Can't make any promises.

Okay. I gotta go, Sam.

Give me a shout if you guys need anything.

Thank you.

I get it.

You staged the beatdown

so you can garner the sympathy of our hot neighbor.

You are a tactical genius.

Listen, I'm gonna close my eyes.

If I die in my sleep, the Netflix password is

"Dianne underscore Wiest, zero, three."

Well, I hope you don't die

'cause those are terrible last words.

Yeah.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[***]

You've earned it.

The meeting room or the beating?

[GIGGLES]

Oh, good. Uh...

Go on in, and set up the chairs. I'll be in in a minute.

Can I ask you something? What?

Did that hurt? Yeah.

Good.

'Cause you made me talk about giving BJs

where I get my lattes.

Who are you again?

Never mind.

Loudermilk, you got a visitor here.

Oh.

I, uh...

I wanted to give this back to you.

Hm. I washed it.

You didn't have to do that.

After I threw up on it.

I'd really like you to have it.

You were, um,

right, by the way.

Hurting myself was easy, and...

living is the hard part.

Hm.

Well, even a blind squirrel's right twice a day.

So, you're here, you wanna stick around for the meeting?

Uh, yeah, I--

I can't tonight.

No? But maybe another time.

How about next week?

Maybe. Yeah, okay.

See you, maybe.

That's right, you're blowjob guy.

[***]

Uh-- BEN: Hi.

Hey, is Sam around, or--?

Oh, no. He's still out

running his meeting at the church where he does--

That's where he does them.

I'd invite you in,

but you just caught me coming out of the shower.

In--? In your clothes?

Okay, thanks for coming by. I'll let him know.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[***]

Ahh.

* Ah *

* Bored again *

* Ah... *