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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:56,288 --> 00:00:57,789 MAN: I don't know what the fuck is going on 2 00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,557 in this country, man! 3 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,893 Every day I turn on the TV, 4 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:05,764 and I see these fucking freaks marching for their rights! 5 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,699 (PEOPLE MURMURING) 6 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,467 What about our rights? 7 00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,235 (PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT) 8 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,638 This is our time to show the world 9 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,674 that we are not just an online movement! 10 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,575 (PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT) 11 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:18,743 We're growing physically! 12 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,446 This is our time to assert ourselves 13 00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,481 as the true voice of America! 14 00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:25,650 MEN: (SHOUTING) Yeah! 15 00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:26,918 Yes, let's do that! 16 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,587 MAN: Now, you may have noticed 17 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,790 that our friend Aryan Grande 18 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,525 has brought in a new recruit. 19 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:36,294 FucktheJews82. Welcome, brother! 20 00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:38,198 ALL: Yeah! 21 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,332 Hi. Heil. Heil, everybody. 22 00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,268 White power. Obviously. 23 00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:46,304 Been a big fan of you guys for a while. 24 00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:47,472 Since World War II, really. 25 00:01:47,474 --> 00:01:51,576 That's when you made your big entrance, on the scene. 26 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,915 And, uh... Yeah. Just, um, in closing... 27 00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,316 - Fuck the Jews! - ALL: (SHOUT) Yeah! 28 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,353 - Welcome! - (ALL GRUNT) 29 00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:03,521 Let's fucking party! 30 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,390 (ALL YELLING AND CHEERING) 31 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,394 (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 32 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,867 So you guys are, like, pretty active on social media, right? 33 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,002 MEN: Yeah. 34 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,038 How many times a day would you say you tweet on average? 35 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,639 - Hey, FTJ! - FRED: Yo! 36 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,976 You said you wanted a swastika tattoo. 37 00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:25,312 Now's your chance. 38 00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,881 Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about it. I'm cool. 39 00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:31,551 Come on, man. We all got 'em! 40 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,458 You guys want me to get a swastika tattoo? 41 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:41,861 MEN: Yeah! 42 00:02:41,863 --> 00:02:43,663 I will get a swastika tattoo. 43 00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:45,764 Um... 44 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:46,934 Yeah. 45 00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:51,705 Hey, take over, man. I got to take a piss. 46 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,404 (TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING) 47 00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:55,340 Super cool, guys. Thank you for this. 48 00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,510 This is really exciting. 49 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,879 All right, here we go! 50 00:02:59,881 --> 00:03:01,346 (CHUCKLES) 51 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,515 Ooh, right! Yeah! 52 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,984 - (GRUNTS) - That hurt? 53 00:03:04,986 --> 00:03:06,988 On many levels. Yes. 54 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:09,824 (SOFTLY) Fuck! 55 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,827 Hey! This you? 56 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,663 You're a journalist? 57 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,930 Yeah! 58 00:03:17,932 --> 00:03:20,565 We all got to be fucking journalists in this day and age, 59 00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:23,501 mainstream media not covering our side of the story! 60 00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:25,537 His name is Fred Flarsky. 61 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,106 He writes for the Brooklyn Advocate. 62 00:03:27,108 --> 00:03:29,775 - He's a fucking Jew! - What? 63 00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:32,412 Look, look, look. Okay, okay, okay. Hey! 64 00:03:34,749 --> 00:03:35,614 What are you doing here? 65 00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,082 You're here to fucking embarrass us, huh? 66 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,051 - Who sent you? - (STAMMERS) No one sent me! 67 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:40,820 It's okay. I'm... I'm... 68 00:03:40,822 --> 00:03:43,556 He's been recording us the whole time! 69 00:03:43,558 --> 00:03:46,058 Fucking shit, man! You infiltrated our group! 70 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:47,960 You're gonna fucking die! 71 00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:48,861 How do you turn this thing off? 72 00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:50,698 The fucking red button, right there, man! 73 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,333 (MEN CLAMORING) 74 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,437 - (GLASS SHATTERS) - (GRUNTING) 75 00:03:57,772 --> 00:03:59,473 Holy shit! 76 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,810 (GROANING LOUDLY) 77 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:09,415 Yeah! (LAUGHS) 78 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,752 (GROANS) Not only did I escape... 79 00:04:13,154 --> 00:04:15,187 I held onto my phone! 80 00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:17,458 Yes! Ow! 81 00:04:17,859 --> 00:04:19,859 (GROANS) 82 00:04:19,861 --> 00:04:21,627 I trusted you, man! 83 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,195 Yeah, well... 84 00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:25,867 Jews win this round, motherfucker! 85 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,901 Peace! Ow. 86 00:04:28,903 --> 00:04:30,502 NEWSCASTER: Tonight on Wembley News, 87 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,738 we take an in-depth look at Charlotte Field, 88 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,541 a Rhodes Scholar, a Pulitzer winner, 89 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:38,211 and protege of President Chambers, 90 00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:40,112 who tapped Field two years ago 91 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,581 to be the youngest secretary of state 92 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:43,983 in the history of this nation. 93 00:04:43,985 --> 00:04:46,452 And honestly, looking hotter than usual. 94 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,221 Now, people are gonna say that's sexist, 95 00:04:48,223 --> 00:04:50,223 but, she's just hot! 96 00:04:50,225 --> 00:04:51,724 NEWSCASTER 2: You know, when we talk about women in this way, 97 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:53,459 it is because we respect them so much, 98 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,894 and we start with their body. 99 00:04:54,896 --> 00:04:56,597 - (ALL LAUGH ON TV) - You two are terrible. 100 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,574 - Good night, Steven. - Good night, Madam Secretary. 101 00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:08,674 Sorry for the late call, Mr. Foreign Minister. 102 00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:09,775 Long day. 103 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,244 Three bilaterals. (SIGHS) 104 00:05:11,246 --> 00:05:14,013 Listen, we're not going to be able to do it. 105 00:05:14,015 --> 00:05:16,249 There's just not enough traction around this thing. 106 00:05:16,251 --> 00:05:19,252 I believe in it, it's just... I don't have Congress support. 107 00:05:19,254 --> 00:05:20,953 I don't have the American people's support. 108 00:05:20,955 --> 00:05:23,023 I know you and I don't like it, Chuck, 109 00:05:23,025 --> 00:05:24,757 but you know who likes it? 110 00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:27,994 88% of college-educated Americans over 45. 111 00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:29,561 Likely voters. 112 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,832 That's Gallup. We have to make this happen. 113 00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:42,210 (WATER SPLASHING) 114 00:05:49,151 --> 00:05:50,518 (SIGHS) 115 00:05:52,988 --> 00:05:55,255 (ALARM BLARING) 116 00:05:55,257 --> 00:05:56,624 (GASPS) 117 00:05:58,827 --> 00:06:00,695 (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 118 00:06:07,002 --> 00:06:10,236 Well, I wouldn't call the president inexperienced. 119 00:06:10,238 --> 00:06:11,805 I mean, he did play a president 120 00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:15,641 on a very popular television show for over a decade. 121 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,877 You don't get six Golden Globe nominations 122 00:06:17,879 --> 00:06:19,980 without being pretty convincing. 123 00:06:19,982 --> 00:06:22,548 Um, I do think I'm funny. 124 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,317 I'm sorry, I thought this interview was about 125 00:06:24,319 --> 00:06:26,786 promoting democracy in Eastern Europe. 126 00:06:26,788 --> 00:06:28,587 All right, next one's BBC. 127 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:29,956 Would you be asking a male cabinet member 128 00:06:29,958 --> 00:06:31,625 what products they use in their hair? 129 00:06:32,227 --> 00:06:33,893 I'm just kidding. 130 00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:36,296 No, it's olive oil and mayonnaise. 131 00:06:36,298 --> 00:06:38,765 I know. So cheap. So much shine. 132 00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:40,168 (EXHALING) 133 00:06:41,770 --> 00:06:43,703 Good morning, Mr. President. 134 00:06:43,705 --> 00:06:45,207 (QUIETLY) Good morning, Mr. President. 135 00:06:46,775 --> 00:06:49,142 Good morning, Mr. President. 136 00:06:49,144 --> 00:06:51,077 - Good morning, Mr. President. - (TV PLAYING) 137 00:06:51,079 --> 00:06:52,679 Oh, hey, Charlotte. 138 00:06:52,681 --> 00:06:55,749 You caught me watching my show. (LAUGHS) 139 00:06:55,751 --> 00:06:58,685 Mr. President. We still recommend Option C. 140 00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:01,688 I am not nuking a tsunami! 141 00:07:01,690 --> 00:07:03,823 Oh, here it is. 142 00:07:03,825 --> 00:07:05,325 (SPEAKING ALONG TO TV) Not now... 143 00:07:05,327 --> 00:07:07,027 Not today. 144 00:07:07,029 --> 00:07:08,661 Not in my house. 145 00:07:08,663 --> 00:07:10,897 Yes! (LAUGHING) I love that! 146 00:07:10,899 --> 00:07:12,766 (LAUGHS) Oh, me too. 147 00:07:12,768 --> 00:07:14,834 Anyway, that's not why I called you here. 148 00:07:14,836 --> 00:07:16,171 (EXHALING) 149 00:07:16,972 --> 00:07:18,206 (SIGHS) Charlotte. 150 00:07:18,774 --> 00:07:19,806 Yes, sir? 151 00:07:19,808 --> 00:07:22,809 (CLICKS TONGUE) I will not be seeking reelection. 152 00:07:22,811 --> 00:07:24,110 Really? 153 00:07:24,112 --> 00:07:25,879 Look, I know it's crazy, 154 00:07:25,881 --> 00:07:27,914 because I'm only halfway through my first term. 155 00:07:27,916 --> 00:07:30,984 And you're incredibly popular, sir. 156 00:07:30,986 --> 00:07:33,086 And I want to use that popularity 157 00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:36,623 to transition into something 158 00:07:36,625 --> 00:07:38,960 more prestigious than the presidency. 159 00:07:40,195 --> 00:07:42,929 I wanna make it in the movies. 160 00:07:42,931 --> 00:07:46,099 You're going to leave 161 00:07:46,101 --> 00:07:48,835 the Presidency to go be in movies? 162 00:07:48,837 --> 00:07:51,071 - I know. It's gonna be tough. - Ah... 163 00:07:51,073 --> 00:07:53,740 Only like, 10 guys have made that jump 164 00:07:53,742 --> 00:07:55,675 from TV to film. 165 00:07:55,677 --> 00:07:58,178 Woody Harrelson, George Clooney... 166 00:07:58,180 --> 00:07:59,879 Might be... Might be just two. 167 00:07:59,881 --> 00:08:03,250 I... Mr. President, have you 168 00:08:03,252 --> 00:08:07,120 given any consideration as to whom you might endorse? 169 00:08:07,122 --> 00:08:09,190 I'm sure you're probably thinking of McNichol 170 00:08:09,192 --> 00:08:12,792 or Crowly. Strong choices. 171 00:08:12,794 --> 00:08:16,631 So strange, because I was considering a run in 2024. 172 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,934 And I've been vetted. 173 00:08:19,668 --> 00:08:21,402 So that's all done. 174 00:08:21,404 --> 00:08:24,840 And I can't stop thinking about what... 175 00:08:26,074 --> 00:08:28,077 What it would do for your legacy 176 00:08:29,212 --> 00:08:31,247 to endorse the first female president. 177 00:08:33,149 --> 00:08:34,816 I mean... Wow. 178 00:08:35,251 --> 00:08:36,252 That's a legacy. 179 00:08:39,788 --> 00:08:41,021 - Charlotte? - Hmm? 180 00:08:41,023 --> 00:08:43,290 I would like to endorse you 181 00:08:43,292 --> 00:08:45,894 to be the next president of the United States. 182 00:08:47,929 --> 00:08:51,698 I mean, if you think that's a good idea, sir, I trust you. 183 00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:54,368 I'd... I'd be honored. 184 00:08:54,370 --> 00:08:58,305 I'm gonna be pulling for Team Charlotte. Right? 185 00:08:58,307 --> 00:09:00,243 Because you've been a great secretary. 186 00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:02,143 ...of state. 187 00:09:02,145 --> 00:09:04,445 Whatever. It's a cool job. 188 00:09:04,447 --> 00:09:06,813 And, um, you've done it well. 189 00:09:06,815 --> 00:09:09,316 - Thank you, sir. - So stay focused. 190 00:09:09,318 --> 00:09:10,851 Don't make any major screw-ups. 191 00:09:10,853 --> 00:09:12,119 Don't kill any hookers. 192 00:09:12,121 --> 00:09:13,420 - (BOTH LAUGH) - Probably not a problem for you. 193 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,022 I don't know what you're into. Whatever. 194 00:09:15,024 --> 00:09:16,891 And before you know it... 195 00:09:16,893 --> 00:09:19,061 (HUMMING) 196 00:09:19,929 --> 00:09:21,061 I like the sound of that. 197 00:09:21,063 --> 00:09:23,264 ♪ Hey, here she comes 198 00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:25,199 ♪ It's the first lady president 199 00:09:25,201 --> 00:09:27,935 ♪ Who can believe that she's actually a woman 200 00:09:27,937 --> 00:09:29,470 Thank you, sir. 201 00:09:29,472 --> 00:09:34,210 ♪ She's got a big brain And a couple other assets ♪ 202 00:09:36,913 --> 00:09:37,978 TOUR GUIDE: Oh, and here we see 203 00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:39,780 Secretary of State Charlotte Field. 204 00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:41,015 Good morning. 205 00:09:41,017 --> 00:09:42,316 (TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 206 00:09:42,318 --> 00:09:43,685 (QUIETLY) Yes! 207 00:09:47,757 --> 00:09:50,457 So the headline is, "You're in great shape." 208 00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,127 - Ninety-two, that's good. - Really good. 209 00:09:53,129 --> 00:09:54,828 - Yeah. - KATHERINE: And now, keep in mind 210 00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:57,364 that these are numbers for a female candidate. 211 00:09:57,366 --> 00:10:00,768 If you were a man, you'd be in the 192nd percentile. 212 00:10:00,770 --> 00:10:02,937 - Well, that seems about right. - Yeah. 213 00:10:02,939 --> 00:10:05,039 'Cause the man... Okay. 214 00:10:05,041 --> 00:10:08,075 Um, your sense of humor is 82, 215 00:10:08,077 --> 00:10:10,344 which is solid. It's solid. 216 00:10:10,346 --> 00:10:12,446 But, you know, we wouldn't mind seeing those numbers 217 00:10:12,448 --> 00:10:14,815 go up a few points, or more. 218 00:10:14,817 --> 00:10:17,017 So, I'm going to get some writing samples from 219 00:10:17,019 --> 00:10:18,553 - some funny speech writers. - Great. 220 00:10:18,555 --> 00:10:21,889 I am really interested in knowing how people feel 221 00:10:21,891 --> 00:10:23,824 - about my accomplishments. - Yeah. 222 00:10:23,826 --> 00:10:25,459 Right. You know, so we don't 223 00:10:25,461 --> 00:10:29,464 drill down on specific policies. 224 00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:32,567 And that's only because people don't seem to care. 225 00:10:32,569 --> 00:10:33,968 That's interesting. 226 00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:37,338 With that said, if you could broker some deal 227 00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:38,872 that gets you out there talking 228 00:10:38,874 --> 00:10:40,241 about a thing that you feel 229 00:10:40,243 --> 00:10:42,376 really strongly about, that would be great. 230 00:10:42,378 --> 00:10:43,310 CHARLOTTE: Well, that's perfect. 231 00:10:43,312 --> 00:10:45,413 I mean, we've been looking for an opening 232 00:10:45,415 --> 00:10:47,350 to start a conversation about the environment. 233 00:10:48,150 --> 00:10:50,818 (CHUCKLES) All right. 234 00:10:50,820 --> 00:10:53,588 Romantically, if I may... 235 00:10:53,590 --> 00:10:56,591 Remember the stir online 236 00:10:56,593 --> 00:10:59,193 when the Canadian Prime Minister and you 237 00:10:59,195 --> 00:11:01,095 were seated next to each other 238 00:11:01,097 --> 00:11:02,597 at The Global Business Forum? 239 00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:03,998 Mmm-hmm. 240 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,133 A relationship like that 241 00:11:06,135 --> 00:11:08,904 would push you into the high 90s. 242 00:11:09,339 --> 00:11:11,972 High 90s? Wow. 243 00:11:11,974 --> 00:11:13,310 KATHERINE: That brings us to... 244 00:11:17,046 --> 00:11:18,979 CHARLOTTE: What's wrong with my wave? 245 00:11:18,981 --> 00:11:20,981 Um, I think people feel that 246 00:11:20,983 --> 00:11:24,018 that level of elbow movement is, um... 247 00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:25,520 It stresses people out. 248 00:11:25,522 --> 00:11:28,523 You know what? It's just an area for improvement. 249 00:11:28,525 --> 00:11:30,292 Okay, fine, I'll work on the wave. 250 00:11:30,294 --> 00:11:32,162 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 251 00:11:34,531 --> 00:11:36,164 - Hey. - BOSS: Hey, Fred. 252 00:11:36,166 --> 00:11:38,868 You're gonna love this. I almost died. 253 00:11:39,303 --> 00:11:40,901 You got a second? 254 00:11:40,903 --> 00:11:43,571 - Yeah. - Come on. 255 00:11:43,573 --> 00:11:46,073 I actually have some really great news. 256 00:11:46,075 --> 00:11:48,243 - Really? Cool. - Yes. (CHUCKLES) 257 00:11:48,245 --> 00:11:50,578 We were just bought by Wembley Media. 258 00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:52,547 - What? - Yeah. 259 00:11:52,549 --> 00:11:53,448 Are you fucking kidding me? 260 00:11:53,450 --> 00:11:54,915 I knew you'd have a harsh reaction... 261 00:11:54,917 --> 00:11:56,084 A harsh reaction? 262 00:11:56,086 --> 00:11:57,519 - Fred, this is a good thing. - How? 263 00:11:57,521 --> 00:11:59,120 The fucker represents everything 264 00:11:59,122 --> 00:12:00,588 that we've been fighting against since day one! 265 00:12:00,590 --> 00:12:03,491 The whole point of this paper is to fight giant media conglomerates. 266 00:12:03,493 --> 00:12:05,293 Now we've been bought by a giant media conglomerate. 267 00:12:05,295 --> 00:12:07,562 - I do see the irony. - Irony? 268 00:12:07,564 --> 00:12:10,231 He's gonna turn this place into a propaganda machine. 269 00:12:10,233 --> 00:12:12,100 Not the good kind, that's right! 270 00:12:12,102 --> 00:12:13,901 - (STAMMERS) - The bad kind, that's wrong! 271 00:12:13,903 --> 00:12:15,270 Well, we're out of options. 272 00:12:15,272 --> 00:12:17,005 We've been running as long as we can 273 00:12:17,007 --> 00:12:19,407 on ads for weed doctors and escorts. 274 00:12:19,409 --> 00:12:21,509 Let's get penis enlargement ads, too. 275 00:12:21,511 --> 00:12:22,977 No one likes their dick. 276 00:12:22,979 --> 00:12:24,946 - Come on, Fred. - This Wembley guy, 277 00:12:24,948 --> 00:12:27,482 he ran fake stories to help get Chambers elected. 278 00:12:27,484 --> 00:12:28,450 No, they couldn't prove that. 279 00:12:28,452 --> 00:12:30,652 We proved it! I wrote three articles about it! 280 00:12:30,654 --> 00:12:32,554 - You published them! - I did. 281 00:12:32,556 --> 00:12:35,256 The shit that comes out of this fucking guy's mouth... 282 00:12:35,258 --> 00:12:37,959 He said hurricanes were caused by gay marriage. 283 00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:39,561 I don't even get how that fucking works. 284 00:12:39,563 --> 00:12:41,162 I don't even get the math on that one. 285 00:12:41,164 --> 00:12:43,231 - Fred, it's done, all right? - It's done? 286 00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:46,701 They're upstairs finalizing the deal right now. (SIGHS) 287 00:12:46,703 --> 00:12:49,471 Look, we have to cut two-thirds of our staff. 288 00:12:49,473 --> 00:12:51,506 - Two-thirds? - Yeah. 289 00:12:51,508 --> 00:12:53,942 But we wanna keep you on. They wanna keep you on. 290 00:12:53,944 --> 00:12:55,343 It's just... 291 00:12:55,345 --> 00:12:57,245 You just have to tone it down a little bit. 292 00:12:57,247 --> 00:12:58,714 I don't know how I can tone things down 293 00:12:58,716 --> 00:13:00,382 any more than I'm toning them down. 294 00:13:00,384 --> 00:13:02,384 Okay, Fred. You're a great writer. 295 00:13:02,386 --> 00:13:03,551 - Thank you. - All right, you're funny, 296 00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,253 you take risks, you connect with people. 297 00:13:05,255 --> 00:13:06,521 I'm sensing a twist in this. 298 00:13:06,523 --> 00:13:08,525 You have a distinct, authentic voice, but... 299 00:13:09,659 --> 00:13:11,526 Sometimes you're a little too much. 300 00:13:11,528 --> 00:13:12,560 I don't think I am too much! 301 00:13:12,562 --> 00:13:15,063 I actually think I'm the perfect right portion. 302 00:13:15,065 --> 00:13:16,564 Look, you have your job. 303 00:13:16,566 --> 00:13:19,401 Okay, focus on that and just toe the line a little bit. 304 00:13:19,403 --> 00:13:21,002 You know what? I quit. 305 00:13:21,004 --> 00:13:22,137 Oh, come on, Fred. 306 00:13:22,139 --> 00:13:24,139 You should quit, too. Everyone should fucking quit. 307 00:13:24,141 --> 00:13:26,074 No, I'm not gonna quit, I need my job. 308 00:13:26,076 --> 00:13:28,176 I need my fucking job, too. I'm broke, man! 309 00:13:28,178 --> 00:13:29,578 But I can't work for that guy. 310 00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:31,980 At least let me fire you so you can get unemployment. 311 00:13:31,982 --> 00:13:34,048 No fucking way! 312 00:13:34,050 --> 00:13:36,184 I want him to know that I quit. 313 00:13:36,186 --> 00:13:38,521 He's never gonna know it, he's never heard of you. 314 00:13:38,523 --> 00:13:41,089 You're gonna destroy your life to spite a guy who's never heard of you? 315 00:13:41,091 --> 00:13:42,658 Yes! You said it best! 316 00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:43,826 That's exactly what I'm doing. 317 00:13:43,828 --> 00:13:46,629 You're making bad decisions and it's bumming me out, man. 318 00:13:46,631 --> 00:13:48,096 Well, that makes two of us. 319 00:13:48,098 --> 00:13:51,667 Fuck this. Journalism died today, people. 320 00:13:51,669 --> 00:13:54,637 Yes, hello, this is, uh, Fred Flarsky. 321 00:13:54,639 --> 00:13:56,572 Um... I, uh, 322 00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:58,139 was just calling to say that I was forced 323 00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,407 to quit my job recently, 324 00:13:59,409 --> 00:14:01,109 making me something of a free agent. 325 00:14:01,111 --> 00:14:02,678 And I know in the past, uh, 326 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,381 you said I'm not exactly what The Times was looking for, 327 00:14:05,383 --> 00:14:08,049 but I was just calling to see if anything's changed. 328 00:14:08,051 --> 00:14:10,185 Uh, just give me a ring. Thank you so much. 329 00:14:10,187 --> 00:14:12,390 Yo, Lance. It's Fred. Um... 330 00:14:14,124 --> 00:14:15,424 I lost my job and I'm very sad. 331 00:14:15,426 --> 00:14:17,025 Can I come by? 332 00:14:17,027 --> 00:14:18,362 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 333 00:14:22,366 --> 00:14:23,632 LANCE: We need to schedule a meeting 334 00:14:23,634 --> 00:14:25,634 and see what they have to say. 335 00:14:25,636 --> 00:14:27,170 Excuse me. 336 00:14:28,339 --> 00:14:31,139 Man, I can't believe they did you like that. 337 00:14:31,141 --> 00:14:32,775 It's fucked up. I'm pissed. 338 00:14:32,777 --> 00:14:34,710 But you're gonna feel a lot better, man, we're leaving. 339 00:14:34,712 --> 00:14:36,412 You can leave work right now? 340 00:14:36,414 --> 00:14:38,481 Yeah, I can fucking leave. You see this corner office? 341 00:14:38,483 --> 00:14:39,748 That's a "I can leave this bitch 342 00:14:39,750 --> 00:14:41,717 "whenever I want" corner office. 343 00:14:41,719 --> 00:14:43,254 Come on, man. Everybody! 344 00:14:44,422 --> 00:14:46,154 This is my best friend, 345 00:14:46,156 --> 00:14:47,690 and he just lost his job today. 346 00:14:47,692 --> 00:14:49,558 All right? He's at rock bottom. 347 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,760 - It's not that bad. - He feels like shit. 348 00:14:51,762 --> 00:14:53,429 And I'm gonna make him feel better. 349 00:14:53,431 --> 00:14:55,129 It's been a tradition since we were in college, 350 00:14:55,131 --> 00:14:56,499 when one of us feels sad, 351 00:14:56,501 --> 00:14:58,234 the other one has to get him fucked up. 352 00:14:58,236 --> 00:15:02,404 I'm talking Britney Spears, mid-2000s bald head, 353 00:15:02,406 --> 00:15:04,673 almost dropping the baby fucked up. 354 00:15:04,675 --> 00:15:06,775 No judgement. No judgement. 355 00:15:06,777 --> 00:15:09,144 I need my schedule cleared, Zander. 356 00:15:09,146 --> 00:15:10,246 I don't want to do shit. 357 00:15:10,248 --> 00:15:12,481 I'm going off-grid till tomorrow. 358 00:15:12,483 --> 00:15:13,551 Matter of fact... 359 00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:16,585 - Everybody's got the day off. - (ALL CHEER) 360 00:15:16,587 --> 00:15:19,088 Everybody's got the day off. Y'all got the day off. 361 00:15:19,090 --> 00:15:20,189 Everybody, go home. 362 00:15:20,191 --> 00:15:22,858 I'm so appreciative of all of you guys' hard work. 363 00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:24,593 I love every single one of you. 364 00:15:24,595 --> 00:15:25,661 Except you, Ted! 365 00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:28,764 Bagel Friday is for everybody, Ted! 366 00:15:28,766 --> 00:15:30,866 You don't think we know you taking the bagels? 367 00:15:30,868 --> 00:15:32,234 WOMAN: Yeah, Ted, not cool. 368 00:15:32,236 --> 00:15:33,168 - Zander. - ZANDER: Yeah? 369 00:15:33,170 --> 00:15:35,404 I need two cans of the Pamplemousse LaCroix. 370 00:15:35,406 --> 00:15:36,639 - ZANDER: Uh-huh. - I need that filled 371 00:15:36,641 --> 00:15:39,174 with Johnnie Walker Blue and CBD oil. 372 00:15:39,176 --> 00:15:40,344 Do you want one? 373 00:15:41,712 --> 00:15:43,379 FRED: I got fucked, man. 374 00:15:43,381 --> 00:15:46,115 Yeah, you got fucked like a stepmom on Pornhub. 375 00:15:46,117 --> 00:15:47,283 Well, it happens to everybody. 376 00:15:47,285 --> 00:15:49,218 I've been unemployed before, it sucks. 377 00:15:49,220 --> 00:15:50,486 But I didn't ask for any handouts. 378 00:15:50,488 --> 00:15:53,289 I picked myself up by my bootstraps and got to it. 379 00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:54,723 Where are we going right now? 380 00:15:54,725 --> 00:15:56,525 Best day ever, Fred. Don't worry about it. 381 00:15:56,527 --> 00:15:58,694 I've got this dope afternoon planned for us. 382 00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,496 First we're going to finish these Pamplemousse's. 383 00:16:00,498 --> 00:16:01,463 Play at the park. 384 00:16:01,465 --> 00:16:03,499 After that we're going to go to Peter Luger's, 385 00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:04,667 get you a nice fat steak, 386 00:16:04,669 --> 00:16:07,369 and then finish it off with a World Wildlife Fund benefit. 387 00:16:07,371 --> 00:16:08,737 I don't know if I want to go to some 388 00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:10,306 fancy rich person party. 389 00:16:10,308 --> 00:16:11,640 What... Oh, come on, man, 390 00:16:11,642 --> 00:16:13,242 don't be so judgmental, all right? 391 00:16:13,244 --> 00:16:15,644 It's free booze and there'll be pandas and shit. 392 00:16:15,646 --> 00:16:18,180 - People love pandas and shit. - I don't know. 393 00:16:18,182 --> 00:16:19,415 All right, fine, Fred. 394 00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:20,817 Then just do nothing. All right? 395 00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:22,752 Go home, do nothing. 396 00:16:22,754 --> 00:16:25,323 And don't kick it with your best friend and Boyz II Men. 397 00:16:26,457 --> 00:16:27,691 Say what? 398 00:16:27,693 --> 00:16:29,425 Oh, yeah. 399 00:16:29,427 --> 00:16:30,894 Boyz II Men is bringing their timeless blend 400 00:16:30,896 --> 00:16:34,163 of R&B, hip-hop and new jack swing to the party. 401 00:16:34,165 --> 00:16:36,165 I thought you would like to be there. 402 00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,867 Bo-bo-bo-Boyz II Men? 403 00:16:37,869 --> 00:16:40,937 ♪ Motownphilly's back again 404 00:16:40,939 --> 00:16:42,038 (VOCALIZING) 405 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:42,939 That's what I'm talking about, man. Let's do this shit. 406 00:16:42,941 --> 00:16:44,908 Okay, let's have fun. What a fun day. 407 00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:46,876 - (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 408 00:16:46,878 --> 00:16:50,512 CHARLOTTE: I am so hungry, it's insane. 409 00:16:50,514 --> 00:16:51,748 Why didn't you PowerBar me? 410 00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,248 I tried, you pushed my hand away. 411 00:16:53,250 --> 00:16:54,416 Oh. 412 00:16:54,418 --> 00:16:57,419 Skewered foods. I can't eat skewered foods gracefully. 413 00:16:57,421 --> 00:16:58,822 I look like a fucking caveman. 414 00:16:58,824 --> 00:17:00,590 Yeah, and there are cameras everywhere. 415 00:17:00,592 --> 00:17:02,424 That's really gonna hurt your elegance score. 416 00:17:02,426 --> 00:17:03,495 That's my best score. 417 00:17:07,899 --> 00:17:09,833 Fuck! It's all skewered foods. 418 00:17:09,835 --> 00:17:11,501 I'm gonna take the chicken off the skewers. 419 00:17:11,503 --> 00:17:13,435 - Take it off... - Quickly. Quickly. 420 00:17:13,437 --> 00:17:15,404 Why do they make this so difficult... 421 00:17:15,406 --> 00:17:17,741 Oh. I'm sorry, sir. I apologize. 422 00:17:17,743 --> 00:17:20,309 - Jesus fucking Christ. - Can't do things... 423 00:17:20,311 --> 00:17:22,277 Just make a fucking... Make a wall. Make a wall. 424 00:17:22,279 --> 00:17:24,148 - Yup. Yes. - CHARLOTTE: Do you have it? 425 00:17:27,318 --> 00:17:28,918 Good. Good, good, good, good. 426 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,760 (MUFFLED) Oh, my God, it's really good chicken. 427 00:17:32,357 --> 00:17:33,923 James Steward is approaching. James Steward is approaching. 428 00:17:33,925 --> 00:17:34,991 What? 429 00:17:34,993 --> 00:17:36,760 Okay, he's about nine feet away. 430 00:17:36,762 --> 00:17:38,795 His dick is probably about seven feet away. 431 00:17:38,797 --> 00:17:40,563 - (WHISPERS) Maggie! - MAGGIE: Six feet away. 432 00:17:40,565 --> 00:17:42,434 Five feet away. Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit. 433 00:17:43,802 --> 00:17:45,835 - James! - Bonsoir. 434 00:17:45,837 --> 00:17:47,671 - Hi. - Good evening. 435 00:17:47,673 --> 00:17:49,339 (IN ACCENTED ENGLISH) I am so sorry I missed you 436 00:17:49,341 --> 00:17:51,007 when I was at the White House a few weeks ago. 437 00:17:51,009 --> 00:17:53,943 Oh, are you so "sorry," James? 438 00:17:53,945 --> 00:17:55,478 (LAUGHS) You're never gonna 439 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:56,813 stop making that joke, are you? 440 00:17:56,815 --> 00:17:58,948 - No. I'm not. - (LAUGHS) 441 00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,417 - (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - Well, I... Oh, hello. 442 00:18:00,419 --> 00:18:01,718 - Hi. - Oh, yes. 443 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,840 - PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you. - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) 444 00:18:04,890 --> 00:18:06,925 - One more. One more. - One more. 445 00:18:08,026 --> 00:18:10,393 Merci. Thank you. 446 00:18:10,395 --> 00:18:11,755 What do you say we get out of here? 447 00:18:12,931 --> 00:18:15,699 Grab a drink somewhere a bit more private. 448 00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:17,834 (MUSIC STARTS PLAYING) 449 00:18:17,836 --> 00:18:19,035 - Yes... - Yeah? 450 00:18:19,037 --> 00:18:21,304 - (ALL CHEERING) - Oh, my God! 451 00:18:21,306 --> 00:18:23,039 Make some noise out there! Make some noise! 452 00:18:23,041 --> 00:18:25,341 Yeah! Check it out, y'all! 453 00:18:25,343 --> 00:18:27,477 One question, what's the name of the group? 454 00:18:27,479 --> 00:18:28,745 CROWD: Boyz II Men! 455 00:18:28,747 --> 00:18:29,612 What's the name of the group, y'all? 456 00:18:29,614 --> 00:18:30,947 CROWD: Boyz II Men! 457 00:18:30,949 --> 00:18:32,951 (SINGING) 458 00:18:52,838 --> 00:18:53,903 Yeah... 459 00:18:53,905 --> 00:18:54,939 I told you this would be dope. 460 00:18:54,941 --> 00:18:58,008 Yeah, uh... This is really cheering me up. 461 00:18:58,010 --> 00:18:59,442 - (LAUGHS) - Wow. 462 00:18:59,444 --> 00:19:00,779 (CONTINUE SINGING) 463 00:19:09,055 --> 00:19:10,487 I'm super underdressed. 464 00:19:10,489 --> 00:19:11,788 Stop complaining, all right? 465 00:19:11,790 --> 00:19:13,723 You think you feel outta place? 466 00:19:13,725 --> 00:19:14,892 This is one of the brightest rooms 467 00:19:14,894 --> 00:19:16,927 I've ever been in, in my life. 468 00:19:16,929 --> 00:19:18,730 Bright? What do you mean, bright? 469 00:19:19,331 --> 00:19:20,563 Like white. 470 00:19:20,565 --> 00:19:22,632 - Oh, "bright" is white? - Yeah, man. 471 00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,701 It's only me, the waiters and Boyz II Men. 472 00:19:24,703 --> 00:19:26,569 I've already had three people tell me they love my music. 473 00:19:26,571 --> 00:19:28,440 (CONTINUE SINGING) 474 00:19:32,511 --> 00:19:33,744 Duty calls. 475 00:19:33,746 --> 00:19:36,113 I'll take a snow check on that dance. 476 00:19:36,115 --> 00:19:38,715 - Canadian for "rain check." - Okay. (LAUGHS) 477 00:19:38,717 --> 00:19:40,753 - (SPEAKS FRENCH) - Okay. 478 00:19:42,487 --> 00:19:43,823 (CONTINUE SINGING) 479 00:19:47,727 --> 00:19:49,860 Man, you're pounding 'em kinda hard, don't you think? 480 00:19:49,862 --> 00:19:51,929 I got fired today, man. 481 00:19:51,931 --> 00:19:53,298 You told me you quit. 482 00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,801 I was forced to quit because of... 483 00:19:56,803 --> 00:19:57,935 Yeah, okay, man. 484 00:19:57,937 --> 00:19:59,304 Lie to me some more. 485 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:02,407 You good? 486 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,849 Shit. Is the secretary of state looking at us? 487 00:20:11,784 --> 00:20:12,985 Oh, she's looking at you? 488 00:20:14,987 --> 00:20:16,354 Fred. 489 00:20:19,491 --> 00:20:21,627 Fred. What the hell? What was that? 490 00:20:22,662 --> 00:20:24,530 Damn. Hey, what was that? 491 00:20:25,798 --> 00:20:27,397 I... 492 00:20:27,399 --> 00:20:28,799 Kinda... I kinda know her. Okay? 493 00:20:28,801 --> 00:20:30,734 - You kinda know her? - Yeah. 494 00:20:30,736 --> 00:20:32,469 Nobody kinda knows Charlotte Field, all right? 495 00:20:32,471 --> 00:20:33,871 It's like kinda knowing a mermaid, dude. 496 00:20:33,873 --> 00:20:35,005 You tell people that shit. 497 00:20:35,007 --> 00:20:36,674 - That's exceptional. - Okay. 498 00:20:36,676 --> 00:20:37,975 I'll tell you a story. 499 00:20:37,977 --> 00:20:41,712 So, I'm like 13, she's like 16. 500 00:20:41,714 --> 00:20:43,049 She's my babysitter. 501 00:20:48,621 --> 00:20:51,155 She's like, perfect. She's very nice to me, 502 00:20:51,157 --> 00:20:52,690 which goes a long way with me. 503 00:20:52,692 --> 00:20:54,124 So, we're at her house... 504 00:20:54,126 --> 00:20:56,060 She's practicing a speech that she's writing. 505 00:20:56,062 --> 00:20:58,028 She's running for Student Council president. 506 00:20:58,030 --> 00:20:59,331 Did you know that every year, 507 00:20:59,333 --> 00:21:02,166 the school throws away over 500 tons of recyclable garbage? 508 00:21:02,168 --> 00:21:05,002 - And no one cares. - I know, it's total bullshit. 509 00:21:05,004 --> 00:21:06,604 But how do you get idiots to care about shit 510 00:21:06,606 --> 00:21:09,707 - they don't care about? - They'll just care 511 00:21:09,709 --> 00:21:11,742 because it's the right thing to care about. 512 00:21:11,744 --> 00:21:14,745 You're more inspiring than George Bush and Dan Quayle combined. 513 00:21:14,747 --> 00:21:16,513 Well, that's not too hard. 514 00:21:16,515 --> 00:21:17,948 (BOTH LAUGH) 515 00:21:17,950 --> 00:21:19,683 FRED: Well, she was amazing, and she was smart, 516 00:21:19,685 --> 00:21:21,018 and she seemed to kinda like me, 517 00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:22,786 and I felt like we were having a moment. 518 00:21:22,788 --> 00:21:24,955 You know what I mean? Like a romantic moment. 519 00:21:24,957 --> 00:21:26,023 Oh, shit. 520 00:21:26,025 --> 00:21:27,625 FRED: So I did something, 521 00:21:27,627 --> 00:21:29,727 that in retrospect was highly inappropriate. 522 00:21:29,729 --> 00:21:31,030 I kissed her. 523 00:21:31,697 --> 00:21:33,030 I looked down... 524 00:21:33,032 --> 00:21:35,200 I got a fucking 13-year-old boner, man! 525 00:21:35,202 --> 00:21:38,035 - Oh! - Hard... But not big. 526 00:21:38,037 --> 00:21:40,838 But hard. And pronounced, "13-year-old boner." 527 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:41,839 Sorry. 528 00:21:41,841 --> 00:21:43,809 And she looks at it. She sees it. And she goes... 529 00:21:44,577 --> 00:21:45,643 It's okay. 530 00:21:45,645 --> 00:21:47,145 - (GROANS) - And then, 531 00:21:47,147 --> 00:21:49,013 her boyfriend comes into the room, 532 00:21:49,015 --> 00:21:50,714 who was in the other room watching Blossom! 533 00:21:50,716 --> 00:21:51,782 Hey, babe. 534 00:21:51,784 --> 00:21:53,651 Points out my fucking little boner. 535 00:21:53,653 --> 00:21:56,054 - He makes a joke! - Whoa! 536 00:21:56,056 --> 00:21:57,590 FRED: And they left. 537 00:21:58,225 --> 00:21:59,759 (MOUTHING) I'm sorry. 538 00:22:01,794 --> 00:22:04,864 And I'm left standing there alone... 539 00:22:05,698 --> 00:22:06,664 ...in the kitchen, 540 00:22:06,666 --> 00:22:09,667 with my little, hard 13-year-old fucking boner. 541 00:22:09,669 --> 00:22:11,835 - Hard as a rock. - And on top of that, 542 00:22:11,837 --> 00:22:13,504 she didn't win the fucking election. 543 00:22:13,506 --> 00:22:16,207 Bill Sterling won because he ran on a two-prom platform. 544 00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,244 - Two-prom! - Two-proms! Back-to-back! 545 00:22:19,246 --> 00:22:21,612 (SCOFFS) She didn't stand a fucking chance. 546 00:22:21,614 --> 00:22:22,746 No, man. 547 00:22:22,748 --> 00:22:24,782 I think you're skimming over the best part of that story. 548 00:22:24,784 --> 00:22:26,517 What's the best part of that story? 549 00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:28,286 She says your boner was okay. 550 00:22:28,288 --> 00:22:30,088 She said, "It's okay," like she was trying 551 00:22:30,090 --> 00:22:31,923 to not make me fucking feel bad. 552 00:22:31,925 --> 00:22:33,925 Fred, you see a fucked-up story, 553 00:22:33,927 --> 00:22:37,661 when I see a beautiful story about a girl that you liked, 554 00:22:37,663 --> 00:22:40,798 liking your boner in all of its okay-ness. 555 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,867 You need to talk to her tonight. 556 00:22:42,869 --> 00:22:44,135 She probably doesn't remember who I am, 557 00:22:44,137 --> 00:22:45,837 and if she does remember who I am, 558 00:22:45,839 --> 00:22:47,005 the last thing she wants is 559 00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:49,107 my 13-year-old-boner-having fucking ass walking up to her. 560 00:22:49,109 --> 00:22:50,175 - Look... - AGENT M: Excuse me. 561 00:22:50,177 --> 00:22:51,209 Whoa. 562 00:22:51,211 --> 00:22:52,877 Secretary Field would like to speak with you. 563 00:22:52,879 --> 00:22:54,112 With me? 564 00:22:54,114 --> 00:22:55,546 With him, right? 565 00:22:55,548 --> 00:22:57,315 - Yeah. - FRED: Right now? 566 00:22:57,317 --> 00:22:58,917 Uh, do you know why? 567 00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,020 This way. 568 00:23:01,121 --> 00:23:02,287 (SOFTLY) This is good. 569 00:23:02,289 --> 00:23:03,722 What are you nervous about? 570 00:23:03,724 --> 00:23:05,991 What the fuck? Everything I just said! 571 00:23:05,993 --> 00:23:07,995 (SINGING SLOW R&B SONG) 572 00:23:15,634 --> 00:23:17,601 Oh, my God, dude, there she is. 573 00:23:17,603 --> 00:23:19,605 (BOYZ II MEN VOCALIZING) 574 00:23:26,146 --> 00:23:27,979 What are you gonna say to her? 575 00:23:27,981 --> 00:23:29,581 I don't know. 576 00:23:29,583 --> 00:23:30,949 Should open with a neg. 577 00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,250 Tell her she's too tall. 578 00:23:32,252 --> 00:23:34,152 I'm not gonna neg the secretary of state. 579 00:23:34,154 --> 00:23:36,114 - It was so nice to see you. - WOMAN: You as well. 580 00:23:38,225 --> 00:23:41,026 Give me the signal when you need me. 581 00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:43,161 - Hi. - Hi. 582 00:23:43,163 --> 00:23:44,596 A man brought me here. 583 00:23:44,598 --> 00:23:46,131 Yes, sorry about that. 584 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:47,165 - Um... - No, not at all. 585 00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:50,035 I can't shake this feeling that we know each other. 586 00:23:50,037 --> 00:23:51,669 - We do. Yeah. - We do? 587 00:23:51,671 --> 00:23:53,071 - We do know each other. - Okay, so I'm not crazy. 588 00:23:53,073 --> 00:23:55,373 - Uh, I'm Fred. - Fred... 589 00:23:55,375 --> 00:23:56,674 I was shorter, 590 00:23:56,676 --> 00:23:58,109 - but other than that... - Flarsky? 591 00:23:58,111 --> 00:23:59,177 Yeah! Holy fuck! 592 00:23:59,179 --> 00:24:00,879 I can't believe it. You remember. 593 00:24:00,881 --> 00:24:03,148 Oh, my God, look at you! 594 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,349 Look at me, yes. 595 00:24:04,351 --> 00:24:05,617 What are you doing here? 596 00:24:05,619 --> 00:24:08,119 My friend, Lance... That's Lance. 597 00:24:08,121 --> 00:24:09,154 Hey, how you doing? 598 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,823 He, uh, he just brought me here to see Boyz II Men. 599 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:12,957 I just met them. 600 00:24:12,959 --> 00:24:14,793 - You met the Men? - Yeah. 601 00:24:14,795 --> 00:24:16,395 - What was it like? - Don't tell anybody, 602 00:24:16,397 --> 00:24:17,896 but it was the highlight of my life. 603 00:24:17,898 --> 00:24:19,030 Oh, I totally get that. 604 00:24:19,032 --> 00:24:20,031 And I've met the Dalai Lama. 605 00:24:20,033 --> 00:24:22,700 Fuck him. How many hits does he have? None. 606 00:24:22,702 --> 00:24:24,636 - (BOTH LAUGH) - Don't actually fuck him. 607 00:24:24,638 --> 00:24:25,770 - He's a wonderful man. - Yeah. 608 00:24:25,772 --> 00:24:27,205 What are you doing these days? 609 00:24:27,207 --> 00:24:29,076 I bet it's something amazing. 610 00:24:30,811 --> 00:24:32,077 - It's pretty amazing. - Yeah. 611 00:24:32,079 --> 00:24:33,144 Uh, yeah, 612 00:24:33,146 --> 00:24:35,747 but it's still in its, uh, gestation period, I guess. 613 00:24:35,749 --> 00:24:36,915 I don't need to get into it. 614 00:24:36,917 --> 00:24:38,517 What about you, what have you been up to? 615 00:24:38,985 --> 00:24:40,151 You're the secretary... I'm joking. 616 00:24:40,153 --> 00:24:41,287 I know what you've been up to. 617 00:24:41,289 --> 00:24:42,488 - Yeah. (LAUGHS) - You're very, um... 618 00:24:42,490 --> 00:24:44,856 You know, I just, I... I just wanna say it's, like, amazing 619 00:24:44,858 --> 00:24:45,924 to see what you've done with your life. 620 00:24:45,926 --> 00:24:47,058 A lot of people say they're gonna do 621 00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:49,160 all this incredible stuff and they don't do anything, 622 00:24:49,162 --> 00:24:51,798 but you actually did it all, so, congrats. 623 00:24:53,167 --> 00:24:55,133 Well, I'm trying. 624 00:24:55,135 --> 00:24:56,670 I think you've done it. (CHUCKLES) 625 00:24:58,339 --> 00:24:59,639 PARKER: Oh! 626 00:25:00,807 --> 00:25:02,108 CHARLOTTE: Parker Wembley. 627 00:25:02,110 --> 00:25:03,375 I hate this guy. 628 00:25:03,377 --> 00:25:06,010 FRED: Parker Wembley, the guy who buys and sells newspapers 629 00:25:06,012 --> 00:25:08,114 and thinks that hurricanes are caused by gay marriage? 630 00:25:08,116 --> 00:25:09,181 You know him? 631 00:25:09,183 --> 00:25:10,382 He's coming over here. 632 00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:12,151 - Is he behind me? - Yeah. 633 00:25:12,153 --> 00:25:15,753 - Finally. Secretary Field. - Parker, how are you? 634 00:25:15,755 --> 00:25:17,922 You are looking particularly gorgeous tonight. 635 00:25:17,924 --> 00:25:19,225 Thank you. 636 00:25:19,227 --> 00:25:21,393 I... I've been trying to set a meeting with you 637 00:25:21,395 --> 00:25:23,996 for some months now, and, uh... 638 00:25:23,998 --> 00:25:25,763 I mean, have you been avoiding me? 639 00:25:25,765 --> 00:25:28,766 No! No. 640 00:25:28,768 --> 00:25:30,904 - Not successfully. - (BOTH LAUGH) 641 00:25:32,373 --> 00:25:34,939 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Who's your friend? 642 00:25:34,941 --> 00:25:36,808 - Fred. - Hey, Fred! 643 00:25:36,810 --> 00:25:37,876 - Yes, hi. - How are you? 644 00:25:37,878 --> 00:25:39,844 And, uh, what is it that you do? 645 00:25:39,846 --> 00:25:41,880 I'm a journalist, actually. Yeah. 646 00:25:41,882 --> 00:25:43,715 - Ooh, a journalist. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah. 647 00:25:43,717 --> 00:25:46,118 Will I have read anything that you've written? 648 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,921 Probably not recently 'cause I'm unemployed at the moment. 649 00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:50,822 Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. 650 00:25:50,824 --> 00:25:52,091 Not your fault. 651 00:25:52,093 --> 00:25:54,026 Excuse me, Secretary Field, we need a word. 652 00:25:54,028 --> 00:25:56,095 - Oh, okay. - So we will have that meeting. 653 00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:57,163 - Right? - Yes. 654 00:25:57,165 --> 00:25:58,898 Okay, good. Fred. 655 00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:00,065 - Yes? - Best of luck. 656 00:26:00,067 --> 00:26:01,133 Oh, why, thanks. 657 00:26:01,135 --> 00:26:02,201 Things will turn around for you. 658 00:26:02,203 --> 00:26:03,102 So nice of you. 659 00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,906 Darkest before the dawn and all that. 660 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,908 - I actually... I do have to... - Yeah. 661 00:26:08,910 --> 00:26:10,276 You probably have a lot of things to do. 662 00:26:10,278 --> 00:26:11,343 Better than this. 663 00:26:11,345 --> 00:26:12,478 It's really nice to see you again. 664 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:16,015 - Oh. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great. - (LAUGHS) 665 00:26:16,017 --> 00:26:19,051 Oh, you're backless. Wasn't expecting that. 666 00:26:19,053 --> 00:26:20,920 - Have fun at the party. - You too. 667 00:26:20,922 --> 00:26:22,056 Great to see you. 668 00:26:25,126 --> 00:26:28,093 I see you. I see you. Yeah. 669 00:26:28,095 --> 00:26:30,529 (LAUGHING) 670 00:26:30,531 --> 00:26:32,967 PARKER: So I said, "You want..." 671 00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:35,868 Hey. Hey. What's that look in your eye? 672 00:26:35,870 --> 00:26:36,936 What are you about to go do? 673 00:26:36,938 --> 00:26:38,771 Tonight is about the animals, dude. 674 00:26:38,773 --> 00:26:40,773 Fuck the animals! They're fucking gone, man. 675 00:26:40,775 --> 00:26:42,474 Too late for the fucking animals. 676 00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:44,310 (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 677 00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:45,978 Hey! 678 00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:47,479 - PARKER: Oh, Fred? - Yeah, look. 679 00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:49,815 - What's the problem? - I'll tell you the problem. 680 00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:51,350 - What? - You're the problem, man! 681 00:26:51,352 --> 00:26:53,919 You're everything that's wrong with this fucking country. 682 00:26:53,921 --> 00:26:57,156 'Cause you're an old, rich, white piece of shit 683 00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,892 and your media conglomerate is ruining this planet! 684 00:26:59,894 --> 00:27:01,827 - Enough. - I'm done anyway. 685 00:27:01,829 --> 00:27:03,495 I had more time with you than I thought I would, 686 00:27:03,497 --> 00:27:05,130 so joke's on you. Excuse me, thank you. 687 00:27:05,132 --> 00:27:06,799 Whoa, shit! (YELLING) 688 00:27:06,801 --> 00:27:07,933 (GRUNTS) 689 00:27:07,935 --> 00:27:09,235 (CROWD GASPS) 690 00:27:09,237 --> 00:27:10,470 God! 691 00:27:10,472 --> 00:27:12,004 (FRED GRUNTS) 692 00:27:12,006 --> 00:27:13,172 Cracker down! 693 00:27:13,174 --> 00:27:14,574 Oh, my God. 694 00:27:14,576 --> 00:27:15,910 GUEST: Looks like it hurt. 695 00:27:16,545 --> 00:27:18,410 Boyz II Men, back up. 696 00:27:18,412 --> 00:27:19,878 You all right? You good? 697 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,046 - You all right? - I'm okay! 698 00:27:21,048 --> 00:27:22,114 He's okay! 699 00:27:22,116 --> 00:27:23,251 How is he standing? 700 00:27:25,086 --> 00:27:27,088 (HIP-HIP SONG PLAYING) 701 00:27:28,390 --> 00:27:29,855 (SONG PLAYING ON PHONE) 702 00:27:29,857 --> 00:27:31,959 - ALL: Oh! - Ouch! 703 00:27:33,995 --> 00:27:37,830 ♪ Oh, no That's the Ruff Ryder... 704 00:27:37,832 --> 00:27:38,897 This is so creative. 705 00:27:38,899 --> 00:27:40,835 (ALL LAUGH) 706 00:27:41,235 --> 00:27:42,469 Ha-ha! 707 00:27:42,471 --> 00:27:44,231 - CHARLOTTE: What was that? - Thank you, Tom. 708 00:27:44,539 --> 00:27:46,872 God, that was crazy. 709 00:27:46,874 --> 00:27:48,240 I mean, now that we know he's okay, 710 00:27:48,242 --> 00:27:50,909 it was all so hilarious. 711 00:27:50,911 --> 00:27:53,513 And so what is the relationship exactly? 712 00:27:53,515 --> 00:27:55,147 - Was he your super? - No, 713 00:27:55,149 --> 00:27:57,082 we grew up next door to each other. 714 00:27:57,084 --> 00:27:58,351 - (MAGGIE GASPS) - Yeah. 715 00:27:58,353 --> 00:28:01,221 (CHUCKLES) Fuck, I used to babysit for him. 716 00:28:01,223 --> 00:28:03,456 - You babysat for him? - I did. 717 00:28:03,458 --> 00:28:06,125 Wow. Time has not been kind. 718 00:28:06,127 --> 00:28:07,126 He was such a strange little kid. 719 00:28:07,128 --> 00:28:10,330 But he was really funny. And he was super smart. 720 00:28:10,332 --> 00:28:12,399 He did have this chip on his shoulder, though. 721 00:28:12,401 --> 00:28:14,434 He's actually not a bad writer. 722 00:28:14,436 --> 00:28:15,868 Wait, you've read his stuff? 723 00:28:15,870 --> 00:28:17,069 Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate. 724 00:28:17,071 --> 00:28:19,372 Oh, God, of course, you read that, Tom. 725 00:28:19,374 --> 00:28:21,141 Didn't that paper just get sold off? 726 00:28:21,143 --> 00:28:22,509 Wembley Media just bought them. 727 00:28:22,511 --> 00:28:25,077 Oh, that makes total sense. 728 00:28:25,079 --> 00:28:27,280 That's why he was such a dick to Wembley. 729 00:28:27,282 --> 00:28:31,286 So the rest of the schedule for the day is pretty packed. 730 00:28:35,290 --> 00:28:36,891 (CHUCKLING) 731 00:28:40,095 --> 00:28:41,594 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 732 00:28:41,596 --> 00:28:42,928 - Hi. - Hey. 733 00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:45,632 Did you like any of those writing samples? 734 00:28:45,634 --> 00:28:48,501 Yeah, McKenzie is good. Bess is solid. 735 00:28:48,503 --> 00:28:53,039 And, um, Fred's stuff isn't too bad. 736 00:28:53,041 --> 00:28:55,008 Wait, not the... 737 00:28:55,010 --> 00:28:57,477 The homeless person that fell down the stairs? 738 00:28:57,479 --> 00:29:00,080 Yeah. He has a real voice. 739 00:29:00,082 --> 00:29:02,682 And he knows me. I mean, he knew me. 740 00:29:02,684 --> 00:29:04,351 And that's probably a good thing 741 00:29:04,353 --> 00:29:07,253 if he's going to be writing for me. 742 00:29:07,255 --> 00:29:09,289 Bringing someone like that onto the team, 743 00:29:09,291 --> 00:29:11,991 I have to say, feels a little reckless. 744 00:29:11,993 --> 00:29:15,462 His writing is really good. And it's funny. 745 00:29:15,464 --> 00:29:17,497 I think he can get that number up by a few points. 746 00:29:17,499 --> 00:29:19,201 And if he doesn't, we fire him. 747 00:29:20,068 --> 00:29:21,134 Okay. 748 00:29:21,136 --> 00:29:22,137 Okay. 749 00:29:22,671 --> 00:29:24,139 Fred Flarsky it is. 750 00:29:24,573 --> 00:29:25,941 Thanks. 751 00:29:28,043 --> 00:29:30,045 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 752 00:29:31,113 --> 00:29:32,114 All right, bye. 753 00:29:33,615 --> 00:29:35,417 - (PHONE RINGING) - (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) 754 00:29:36,418 --> 00:29:37,652 (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 755 00:29:38,553 --> 00:29:40,186 Unknown! 756 00:29:40,188 --> 00:29:41,988 I don't give a fuck. Answer that shit. 757 00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:43,356 - What? - Answer it! 758 00:29:43,358 --> 00:29:44,991 What if it's The Man trying to get at me? 759 00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:46,694 No, it's the universe trying to talk to you. 760 00:29:46,696 --> 00:29:47,961 Really? 761 00:29:47,963 --> 00:29:49,429 - Gang. - Gang. 762 00:29:49,431 --> 00:29:51,197 Do that shit, man. Fred, don't fuck with me. 763 00:29:51,199 --> 00:29:52,733 All right. Hello. Gang. 764 00:29:52,735 --> 00:29:54,567 - Mr. Flarsky? - What? 765 00:29:54,569 --> 00:29:56,102 Wait, slow down. What? 766 00:29:56,104 --> 00:29:58,004 - You're unknown. Pardon? - Oh, my God. Mr. Flarsky. 767 00:29:58,006 --> 00:30:00,106 - Hello? - Go on. 768 00:30:00,108 --> 00:30:03,711 This is Maggie Millikin from Secretary Field's office. 769 00:30:03,713 --> 00:30:06,012 Hello, Maggie, who works for Secretary Field. 770 00:30:06,014 --> 00:30:07,681 - Whoo! - Hello? 771 00:30:07,683 --> 00:30:08,982 (WHISPERS) That's good! Talk to her. 772 00:30:08,984 --> 00:30:11,652 - Hello? - How can I help you? 773 00:30:11,654 --> 00:30:13,621 The secretary would like to meet with you immediately. 774 00:30:13,623 --> 00:30:14,988 We will send a car over. 775 00:30:14,990 --> 00:30:16,690 Can you give me the most convenient address? 776 00:30:16,692 --> 00:30:18,526 - What is she saying? - Secretary would like 777 00:30:18,528 --> 00:30:19,627 to meet with me immediately 778 00:30:19,629 --> 00:30:20,869 and they're going to send a car? 779 00:30:23,064 --> 00:30:25,733 Mr. Lou's Deli in Brooklyn. 780 00:30:25,735 --> 00:30:28,168 - I'm sure you can find it. - I will google it. 781 00:30:28,170 --> 00:30:30,203 Mr. Lou's in Brooklyn. Stay right there. 782 00:30:30,205 --> 00:30:31,271 Okay. 783 00:30:31,273 --> 00:30:33,440 Uh, I'll see you soon. 784 00:30:33,442 --> 00:30:35,711 (GROANING) Oh, I feel so scared. 785 00:30:36,512 --> 00:30:37,645 Do I look okay? 786 00:30:37,647 --> 00:30:39,112 Do I look funny? 787 00:30:39,114 --> 00:30:40,346 - Why are these pockets here? - LANCE: It's okay. 788 00:30:40,348 --> 00:30:41,615 God fucking damn it! 789 00:30:41,617 --> 00:30:43,484 Why am I wearing these fucking stupid pants? 790 00:30:43,486 --> 00:30:44,718 They're too tapered! 791 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,153 Who wears these silly-looking, fucking tapered cargo pants 792 00:30:47,155 --> 00:30:49,289 and see the fucking secretary of state? 793 00:30:49,291 --> 00:30:50,791 You can't think like this. You have to be positive. 794 00:30:50,793 --> 00:30:52,292 - Mr. Flarsky? - FRED: Oh, shit. 795 00:30:52,294 --> 00:30:53,429 Mr. Flarsky. 796 00:30:56,031 --> 00:30:57,130 Wish me luck, man. 797 00:30:57,132 --> 00:30:58,666 Yeah, you don't need luck, man. She said it was okay. 798 00:30:58,668 --> 00:30:59,733 Luck is for losers. 799 00:30:59,735 --> 00:31:01,735 You've got destiny on your side. 800 00:31:01,737 --> 00:31:04,538 You're good. Fred. 801 00:31:04,540 --> 00:31:06,074 You buy the body. 802 00:31:06,709 --> 00:31:07,976 That doesn't mean anything. 803 00:31:08,611 --> 00:31:10,411 (ENGINE STARTS) 804 00:31:10,413 --> 00:31:12,078 LANCE: Fred, put your seat belt on. 805 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,550 Take care of my friend. All right? 806 00:31:15,618 --> 00:31:17,818 - I look normal? - You look cool. 807 00:31:17,820 --> 00:31:19,221 I love you, Fred! 808 00:31:19,789 --> 00:31:21,657 Nut boys for life! 809 00:31:37,740 --> 00:31:40,708 Empty your pockets and take off your backpack. 810 00:31:40,710 --> 00:31:42,077 Empty my pockets? 811 00:31:44,213 --> 00:31:45,615 All right. That's... 812 00:31:46,716 --> 00:31:48,150 Let's see how this goes. 813 00:31:51,254 --> 00:31:53,287 Not a regular cop, I assume. 814 00:31:53,289 --> 00:31:56,657 Got bigger fish to fry than just normal cop shit, right? 815 00:31:56,659 --> 00:31:58,694 So, uh, okay. Let's do it. 816 00:31:59,295 --> 00:32:00,461 (EXHALES) 817 00:32:00,463 --> 00:32:04,198 That's prescription. For anxiety. Uh... 818 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,768 This is if you can't dance for a long time and you want to. 819 00:32:07,770 --> 00:32:10,437 That's prescription as well, for, uh, lack of energy. 820 00:32:10,439 --> 00:32:11,705 That's energy powder. 821 00:32:11,707 --> 00:32:15,311 These are to wrap the anxiety medication in 822 00:32:16,178 --> 00:32:19,246 when inhaling it medicinally. 823 00:32:19,248 --> 00:32:21,715 That's if you want to vaporize the anxiety medicine, 824 00:32:21,717 --> 00:32:23,386 which I have a prescription for. 825 00:32:24,387 --> 00:32:25,721 And that's a blunt. 826 00:32:28,157 --> 00:32:30,159 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 827 00:32:31,761 --> 00:32:33,095 Ooh. 828 00:32:34,764 --> 00:32:35,765 Hi. 829 00:32:39,802 --> 00:32:41,502 (SIGHS DEEPLY) 830 00:32:41,504 --> 00:32:42,572 MAGGIE: Wow. 831 00:32:44,740 --> 00:32:46,206 Will you sign this, please? 832 00:32:46,208 --> 00:32:48,409 - What is it? - It's an NDA. 833 00:32:48,411 --> 00:32:49,476 A non-disclosure agreement? 834 00:32:49,478 --> 00:32:51,780 - That's right. - Okay. 835 00:32:51,782 --> 00:32:53,447 - (WHISPERS) Oh, my God. - CHARLOTTE: Fred. 836 00:32:53,449 --> 00:32:55,249 - Yeah. - Hey, nice to see you again. 837 00:32:55,251 --> 00:32:56,584 - Hi, you too. - Come on in. 838 00:32:56,586 --> 00:32:57,585 Take a seat. 839 00:32:57,587 --> 00:32:59,788 Good to see you were not injured from that fall. 840 00:32:59,790 --> 00:33:01,622 Oh, yeah, you know what? 841 00:33:01,624 --> 00:33:03,223 I actually think the brim of my hat 842 00:33:03,225 --> 00:33:04,793 kind of protected my face ultimately. 843 00:33:04,795 --> 00:33:07,194 So, thank God I was underdressed in the end, right? 844 00:33:07,196 --> 00:33:09,163 Well, as long as you're good. 845 00:33:09,165 --> 00:33:10,564 - I'm okay. - Yeah. Great. 846 00:33:10,566 --> 00:33:11,634 FRED: Uh... 847 00:33:13,436 --> 00:33:14,869 Why am I here? 848 00:33:14,871 --> 00:33:16,470 What I'm about to share with you 849 00:33:16,472 --> 00:33:18,606 is, obviously, highly confidential. 850 00:33:18,608 --> 00:33:19,708 Oh, yeah. 851 00:33:19,710 --> 00:33:21,143 Keep it on the down low. 852 00:33:22,646 --> 00:33:25,314 President Chambers will not be seeking reelection. 853 00:33:25,616 --> 00:33:26,681 Really? 854 00:33:26,683 --> 00:33:28,349 (SOFTLY) Yes. 855 00:33:28,351 --> 00:33:32,353 That's fucking sick! That's awesome. 856 00:33:32,355 --> 00:33:35,456 Are you telling each American individually the good news? 857 00:33:35,458 --> 00:33:36,523 I mean, but seriously. 858 00:33:36,525 --> 00:33:37,692 Did he just realize he sucks at it 859 00:33:37,694 --> 00:33:39,426 and decide not to do it anymore? 860 00:33:39,428 --> 00:33:43,364 He just wants to move into film and make movies. 861 00:33:43,366 --> 00:33:44,833 - Really? - Yeah. 862 00:33:44,835 --> 00:33:46,735 That's cool. That's a tough transition to make. 863 00:33:46,737 --> 00:33:49,571 Not many actors have made the leap from TV to film. 864 00:33:49,573 --> 00:33:51,305 You got George Clooney, you got Woody Harrelson... 865 00:33:51,307 --> 00:33:52,373 Jennifer Aniston. 866 00:33:52,375 --> 00:33:53,975 Mmm, did she though? 867 00:33:53,977 --> 00:33:55,677 You don't think Jennifer Aniston's a movie star? 868 00:33:55,679 --> 00:33:56,745 Just 'cause you star in movies 869 00:33:56,747 --> 00:33:57,812 doesn't mean you're a movie star. 870 00:33:57,814 --> 00:33:59,948 The point is... 871 00:33:59,950 --> 00:34:02,753 He's going to endorse me for president in 2020. 872 00:34:03,252 --> 00:34:04,318 Wow. 873 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:05,654 - I know. - Mazel tov. 874 00:34:05,656 --> 00:34:06,788 (CHUCKLES) So. 875 00:34:06,790 --> 00:34:08,857 We're headed to an environmental summit 876 00:34:08,859 --> 00:34:10,290 hosted by King Gustav 877 00:34:10,292 --> 00:34:11,926 and the Swedish Royal Family. 878 00:34:11,928 --> 00:34:14,228 At the summit, I'll be announcing 879 00:34:14,230 --> 00:34:16,330 that the world's three largest polluters 880 00:34:16,332 --> 00:34:17,699 have signed on to the most comprehensive 881 00:34:17,701 --> 00:34:19,701 and exciting environmental deal ever. 882 00:34:19,703 --> 00:34:20,969 You know, after I have some dairy, 883 00:34:20,971 --> 00:34:22,837 I'm one of the world's three largest polluters. 884 00:34:22,839 --> 00:34:24,005 Excuse me? 885 00:34:24,007 --> 00:34:26,408 We'll address rising sea levels, 886 00:34:26,410 --> 00:34:28,009 combat deforestation 887 00:34:28,011 --> 00:34:30,345 and protect the world's pollinators. 888 00:34:30,347 --> 00:34:33,448 I'm calling it the Global Rehabilitation Initiative. 889 00:34:33,450 --> 00:34:34,716 Internally, we're referring to it 890 00:34:34,718 --> 00:34:36,017 as "Bees, Trees and the Seas." 891 00:34:36,019 --> 00:34:37,552 CHARLOTTE: Soon after that, 892 00:34:37,554 --> 00:34:39,888 I hope to announce that 100 countries have signed on. 893 00:34:39,890 --> 00:34:42,390 - Wow. - At which point... 894 00:34:42,392 --> 00:34:44,759 I will resign as secretary of state. 895 00:34:44,761 --> 00:34:47,762 Using this initiative as a springboard, 896 00:34:47,764 --> 00:34:49,964 I will announce my presidential run in 2020. 897 00:34:49,966 --> 00:34:51,568 - Cool. - So... 898 00:34:53,470 --> 00:34:56,037 I need some writers to punch up my speeches. 899 00:34:56,039 --> 00:34:58,373 I read your work and I really like it. 900 00:34:58,375 --> 00:34:59,574 That's... Wow. 901 00:34:59,576 --> 00:35:01,276 You mentioned you were between jobs. 902 00:35:01,278 --> 00:35:02,243 So it's a really good fit. 903 00:35:02,245 --> 00:35:04,813 It's so nice of you to think of me at all, 904 00:35:04,815 --> 00:35:07,315 honestly, with everything going on in your head. 905 00:35:07,317 --> 00:35:08,616 I look forward to working with you. 906 00:35:08,618 --> 00:35:09,619 Thank you. 907 00:35:11,755 --> 00:35:14,624 Um... So, uh, when do you need to know by? 908 00:35:15,892 --> 00:35:18,026 (CHUCKLING) What? I don't understand. 909 00:35:18,028 --> 00:35:20,062 When do you need to know if I'm going to take your, uh, 910 00:35:20,064 --> 00:35:21,631 your punch-up job? 911 00:35:23,034 --> 00:35:24,499 Right now. 912 00:35:24,501 --> 00:35:27,069 Oh. Uh... Then I guess, 913 00:35:27,071 --> 00:35:29,771 maybe... Maybe, uh, no? 914 00:35:29,773 --> 00:35:32,041 Maybe no, I don't know. I don't know! 915 00:35:32,043 --> 00:35:33,142 You know what, Madam Secretary, 916 00:35:33,144 --> 00:35:35,077 he's not interested. We tried, it didn't work out. 917 00:35:35,079 --> 00:35:37,848 So I can give you some writing samples... 918 00:35:42,853 --> 00:35:44,853 What don't you know? 919 00:35:44,855 --> 00:35:47,388 This whole Seas, Bees and Trees thing. 920 00:35:47,390 --> 00:35:49,024 Is it actually going to do something? 921 00:35:49,026 --> 00:35:50,692 Or is it going to be one of those things 922 00:35:50,694 --> 00:35:52,727 that maybe only sounds like it's gonna do something, 923 00:35:52,729 --> 00:35:54,462 but doesn't actually do something? 924 00:35:54,464 --> 00:35:56,999 I only wanna come work for you 925 00:35:57,001 --> 00:35:58,566 if it's actually gonna do something. 926 00:35:58,568 --> 00:35:59,869 It will do something. 927 00:35:59,871 --> 00:36:01,736 This is a perfect document. 928 00:36:01,738 --> 00:36:04,039 They all start out that way and then they get watered down. 929 00:36:04,041 --> 00:36:04,974 Fred. 930 00:36:04,976 --> 00:36:07,442 Not only does this initiative sound good, 931 00:36:07,444 --> 00:36:08,309 it's going to do good. 932 00:36:08,311 --> 00:36:10,678 It's gonna save the fucking planet. 933 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,848 Not to mention, pay your rent. 934 00:36:12,850 --> 00:36:14,116 So, are you in? 935 00:36:14,118 --> 00:36:16,754 Or do you have something more important to do? 936 00:36:17,755 --> 00:36:19,422 Than save the planet with you? 937 00:36:21,125 --> 00:36:23,759 No, I don't. (CHUCKLES) I'm in. 938 00:36:23,761 --> 00:36:25,593 Phew! (CHUCKLES) 939 00:36:25,595 --> 00:36:26,864 Let's save the planet. 940 00:36:27,531 --> 00:36:28,496 That was... 941 00:36:28,498 --> 00:36:30,600 What just happened? She's good. (LAUGHS) 942 00:36:55,092 --> 00:36:56,158 (KNOCKS ON DOOR) 943 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:57,160 FRED: Uh, hey. 944 00:36:59,063 --> 00:37:01,063 I had some jokes, uh, I was gonna run by you, 945 00:37:01,065 --> 00:37:02,499 maybe, if you have a second. 946 00:37:05,803 --> 00:37:08,405 What are you... What are you looking at? 947 00:37:11,609 --> 00:37:12,808 - (GASPS) - (YELPS) 948 00:37:12,810 --> 00:37:13,876 - Jesus! - Oh, my God! 949 00:37:13,878 --> 00:37:16,111 Why would you just barge in here while I'm sleeping? 950 00:37:16,113 --> 00:37:17,646 - You were sleeping? - Yes! 951 00:37:17,648 --> 00:37:19,414 I was micro napping. 952 00:37:19,416 --> 00:37:21,183 - That's what you call that? - Yes. 953 00:37:21,185 --> 00:37:22,852 Sorry, I didn't realize you were sleeping. 954 00:37:22,854 --> 00:37:24,420 You were standing and your eyes were open. 955 00:37:24,422 --> 00:37:25,487 Do you need something? 956 00:37:25,489 --> 00:37:26,589 I have some jokes that I wrote 957 00:37:26,591 --> 00:37:28,591 that I was gonna run by you if you have a second. 958 00:37:28,593 --> 00:37:30,059 Yeah, that was actually a really good nap. 959 00:37:30,061 --> 00:37:32,094 Great. Seemed very restful. 960 00:37:32,096 --> 00:37:33,097 (SIGHS) Okay. 961 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:36,932 Whoa. 962 00:37:36,934 --> 00:37:40,536 I feel like these jokes are a little angry. 963 00:37:40,538 --> 00:37:42,838 Oh. I thought maybe they were, like, emphatic? 964 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:44,740 "With every fracking drill thrust, 965 00:37:44,742 --> 00:37:47,576 "we are literally butt-fucking Mother Earth"? 966 00:37:47,578 --> 00:37:48,744 It can be normal fucking. 967 00:37:48,746 --> 00:37:50,112 It doesn't have to be in the butt. 968 00:37:50,114 --> 00:37:51,180 I can take that part out. 969 00:37:51,182 --> 00:37:52,748 Yeah, listen, Fred. 970 00:37:52,750 --> 00:37:54,149 If I'm angry, I'm hysterical. 971 00:37:54,151 --> 00:37:55,751 If I'm emotional, I'm weak. 972 00:37:55,753 --> 00:37:57,486 If I so much as raise my voice, I'm a bitch. 973 00:37:57,488 --> 00:37:58,754 My job's hard. 974 00:37:58,756 --> 00:38:00,723 Not as hard as mine. 975 00:38:00,725 --> 00:38:02,524 I think maybe, like, part of the problem 976 00:38:02,526 --> 00:38:04,793 is that, like, a lot of humor is based on, 977 00:38:04,795 --> 00:38:06,929 like, personal experiences. 978 00:38:06,931 --> 00:38:07,830 I was thinking, you know, 979 00:38:07,832 --> 00:38:09,798 you cared a lot about the environment 980 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:10,966 - since high school. - Mmm-hmm. 981 00:38:10,968 --> 00:38:14,703 So maybe include some stories about that. 982 00:38:14,705 --> 00:38:16,073 - High school? - Yeah. 983 00:38:17,642 --> 00:38:18,908 You think that's funny? 984 00:38:18,910 --> 00:38:20,009 I think it's a good area. 985 00:38:20,011 --> 00:38:22,077 Nostalgia, pop culture references. 986 00:38:22,079 --> 00:38:23,179 People love that. 987 00:38:23,181 --> 00:38:25,014 Jimmy Fallon's made an entire career off of that. 988 00:38:25,016 --> 00:38:27,183 When I think about school, I just think about studying. 989 00:38:27,185 --> 00:38:28,784 No, you did so much more than that. 990 00:38:28,786 --> 00:38:31,487 I think your whole 1991 platform was pretty on-point 991 00:38:31,489 --> 00:38:32,821 when you were running for Student Council. 992 00:38:32,823 --> 00:38:35,658 I remember you said, "Everyone at this school 993 00:38:35,660 --> 00:38:37,860 "pretends to care about the underdog, 994 00:38:37,862 --> 00:38:39,029 "but the planet Earth is 995 00:38:39,031 --> 00:38:40,230 "the biggest underdog of them all." 996 00:38:40,232 --> 00:38:41,530 Something like that. 997 00:38:41,532 --> 00:38:42,631 I said that? 998 00:38:42,633 --> 00:38:44,034 Yeah, you did say that. 999 00:38:44,036 --> 00:38:45,935 You were in the kitchen, making pizza. 1000 00:38:45,937 --> 00:38:48,737 We were making signs for your election. 1001 00:38:48,739 --> 00:38:50,974 And you were wearing that shirt. 1002 00:38:50,976 --> 00:38:52,942 I don't know if it was a strawberry or a flower, 1003 00:38:52,944 --> 00:38:54,179 it always confused me. 1004 00:38:54,712 --> 00:38:55,778 It was both. 1005 00:38:55,780 --> 00:38:57,713 Oh, there you go. 1006 00:38:57,715 --> 00:38:59,548 That's all I remember about that night, though. 1007 00:38:59,550 --> 00:39:01,084 Uh, that's where my memories 1008 00:39:01,086 --> 00:39:04,586 concerning that evening expire. 1009 00:39:04,588 --> 00:39:07,057 I learned a lot from that election. 1010 00:39:07,059 --> 00:39:08,624 Yeah, that kids are probably more likely 1011 00:39:08,626 --> 00:39:10,026 to vote for two proms 1012 00:39:10,028 --> 00:39:12,528 than a very elaborate recycling program. 1013 00:39:12,530 --> 00:39:14,130 - (CHUCKLES) - Not only kids. 1014 00:39:14,132 --> 00:39:17,067 Yeah, that's true. 1015 00:39:17,069 --> 00:39:20,904 Did you know he asked me out to one of those proms? 1016 00:39:20,906 --> 00:39:22,072 - Bill Sterling? - Yeah. 1017 00:39:22,074 --> 00:39:23,239 After he beat you? 1018 00:39:23,241 --> 00:39:25,576 - Yup. - Prom one or prom two? 1019 00:39:26,912 --> 00:39:27,911 Oh! 1020 00:39:27,913 --> 00:39:30,746 What a fuckhead! You're way better than prom two. 1021 00:39:30,748 --> 00:39:31,848 (SIGHS AND LAUGHS) 1022 00:39:31,850 --> 00:39:34,550 I went to zero proms, by the way, for the record. 1023 00:39:34,552 --> 00:39:36,652 I think you're the smart one in this situation. 1024 00:39:36,654 --> 00:39:38,755 Yes, that's why I didn't go to prom. 1025 00:39:38,757 --> 00:39:41,994 'Cause I was too smart. Uh... 1026 00:39:44,129 --> 00:39:47,063 Cool. I'll get to work on that speech stuff. 1027 00:39:47,065 --> 00:39:48,066 Great. 1028 00:39:48,599 --> 00:39:49,665 Hey, Fred. 1029 00:39:49,667 --> 00:39:51,633 Yeah. 1030 00:39:51,635 --> 00:39:53,937 You know, if you want to try some non-joke stuff, 1031 00:39:53,939 --> 00:39:54,871 just go ahead. 1032 00:39:54,873 --> 00:39:57,874 Really? Like the main part of the speech? 1033 00:39:57,876 --> 00:39:59,911 Yeah. Just write. 1034 00:40:01,113 --> 00:40:02,781 Cool. Awesome. Thanks. 1035 00:40:03,348 --> 00:40:04,513 If you take another nap, 1036 00:40:04,515 --> 00:40:06,916 you should put on, like, a bicycle helmet or something. 1037 00:40:06,918 --> 00:40:08,818 'Cause you're gonna tip over, there's turbulence. 1038 00:40:08,820 --> 00:40:10,587 That's actually a really good idea. 1039 00:40:10,589 --> 00:40:11,721 It is. I want you to be careful. 1040 00:40:11,723 --> 00:40:12,856 - Yeah. - We need you. 1041 00:40:12,858 --> 00:40:13,959 (CHUCKLES) 1042 00:40:15,794 --> 00:40:17,796 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (BAND PLAYING) 1043 00:40:19,364 --> 00:40:21,566 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 1044 00:40:29,207 --> 00:40:30,774 - Ambassador. - Welcome to Sweden. 1045 00:40:30,776 --> 00:40:32,075 Nice to see you again. 1046 00:40:32,077 --> 00:40:33,078 Yeah, you too. 1047 00:40:35,213 --> 00:40:36,780 I look forward to seeing you tonight at dinner. 1048 00:40:36,782 --> 00:40:37,881 Yes. 1049 00:40:37,883 --> 00:40:39,249 Uh, Madam Secretary, 1050 00:40:39,251 --> 00:40:40,617 I have some ideas I wanna throw by you. 1051 00:40:40,619 --> 00:40:41,818 Yeah, soon, Fred. 1052 00:40:41,820 --> 00:40:43,053 Tom, do you have the schedule? 1053 00:40:43,055 --> 00:40:45,015 - TOM: Yes, of course, ma'am. - (SIGHS) All right. 1054 00:40:47,826 --> 00:40:49,027 MAGGIE: In the back, Flarsky! 1055 00:40:50,695 --> 00:40:52,095 TOM: Then at 8:15, you have a fitting for tonight's gala. 1056 00:40:52,097 --> 00:40:55,031 Then at 8:45, a call with Iraqi Prime Minister Masum, 1057 00:40:55,033 --> 00:40:57,100 9:15, a call to Brazilian President Temer 1058 00:40:57,102 --> 00:40:58,268 about deforestation issues. 1059 00:40:58,270 --> 00:41:01,671 2:15, you have a call with U.K. Foreign Secretary Green 1060 00:41:01,673 --> 00:41:03,873 to discuss your tour of Scotland in a few weeks. 1061 00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:06,042 2:25, then you have a call with New York Times 1062 00:41:06,044 --> 00:41:08,278 to comment on POTUS' latest Instagram attack 1063 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,647 on Prime Minister Bharath of Kashtar. 1064 00:41:10,649 --> 00:41:11,714 At 5:45, we're meeting with the head 1065 00:41:11,716 --> 00:41:12,782 of Sweden's Diplomatic Protocol, 1066 00:41:12,784 --> 00:41:15,718 Ingrid Minervudottir, to discuss tonight's schedule. 1067 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,020 Okay. And then after that? 1068 00:41:17,022 --> 00:41:18,322 Also, Parker Wembley keeps trying to get 1069 00:41:18,324 --> 00:41:19,823 - some face time with you. - Oh, God. 1070 00:41:19,825 --> 00:41:22,058 Parker can wait. Okay, Fred. Go. 1071 00:41:22,060 --> 00:41:23,362 Yeah, sure. Um... 1072 00:41:24,029 --> 00:41:26,162 So, uh, you know, 1073 00:41:26,164 --> 00:41:27,997 based on what we were talking about last night, 1074 00:41:27,999 --> 00:41:30,867 I just took a stab at the whole speech, basically. 1075 00:41:30,869 --> 00:41:32,802 (CLICKS TONGUE) That's good. 1076 00:41:32,804 --> 00:41:35,372 - Thank you. - This part isn't. 1077 00:41:35,374 --> 00:41:37,941 Okay, well, you said you didn't want to sound too angry. 1078 00:41:37,943 --> 00:41:40,377 I also don't want to sound like I have a head injury. 1079 00:41:40,379 --> 00:41:42,078 Okay. Uh, I'll go change it. 1080 00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:43,447 Great. Thanks. 1081 00:41:43,449 --> 00:41:45,682 Okay, here we go. 1082 00:41:45,684 --> 00:41:47,083 - (SIGHS) - So... 1083 00:41:47,085 --> 00:41:48,687 All right. 1084 00:41:49,754 --> 00:41:50,854 Fred. 1085 00:41:50,856 --> 00:41:52,289 Yeah? 1086 00:41:52,291 --> 00:41:54,826 Do you have any grown-up clothes to wear tonight? 1087 00:41:58,930 --> 00:41:59,929 I was gonna... I was thinking 1088 00:41:59,931 --> 00:42:02,199 of zipping this up all the way, like to here. 1089 00:42:02,201 --> 00:42:03,134 That's kind of a little more... 1090 00:42:03,136 --> 00:42:04,767 It's, like, slightly more buttoned up. 1091 00:42:04,769 --> 00:42:05,802 MAGGIE: You know what, Madam Secretary, 1092 00:42:05,804 --> 00:42:09,839 I would be delighted to dress Fred for tonight. 1093 00:42:09,841 --> 00:42:11,108 Thank you, Maggie. I'd be thrilled 1094 00:42:11,110 --> 00:42:13,344 to have you dress me for tonight's event. 1095 00:42:13,346 --> 00:42:14,445 What a fun adventure. 1096 00:42:14,447 --> 00:42:16,779 Get a little makeover. All right, have a good one. 1097 00:42:16,781 --> 00:42:17,982 Thank you, Fred. 1098 00:42:17,984 --> 00:42:18,882 FRED: Why, thank you. 1099 00:42:18,884 --> 00:42:20,184 MAGGIE: ...and then it's saying hello, 1100 00:42:20,186 --> 00:42:21,318 you'll sit down, we'll have dinner, 1101 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:22,719 - I'll pull you up... - Where's Flarsky? 1102 00:42:22,721 --> 00:42:23,820 Why are we waiting? 1103 00:42:23,822 --> 00:42:25,422 What, is he doing his hair? 1104 00:42:25,424 --> 00:42:27,026 - (SIGHS) - Um... 1105 00:42:27,426 --> 00:42:29,193 Oh. 1106 00:42:29,195 --> 00:42:31,830 - TOM: What the... - (CHARLOTTE LAUGHING) 1107 00:42:36,002 --> 00:42:37,301 What the fuck are you wearing? 1108 00:42:37,303 --> 00:42:39,336 She bought me this shit. Okay? 1109 00:42:39,338 --> 00:42:41,138 It's a traditional Swedish suit. 1110 00:42:41,140 --> 00:42:43,941 I don't see another fucking Swede up in here 1111 00:42:43,943 --> 00:42:45,242 dressed like this. 1112 00:42:45,244 --> 00:42:47,444 It's all I could do on such short notice. 1113 00:42:47,446 --> 00:42:50,114 You just take the jacket off, it's going to make it better. 1114 00:42:50,116 --> 00:42:53,685 It's just... Make it look... Oh, my God. 1115 00:42:56,289 --> 00:42:58,122 Better with the jacket on? Great. 1116 00:42:58,124 --> 00:43:00,124 Razzing the new guy, I get it. Fuck you, Maggie. 1117 00:43:00,126 --> 00:43:01,258 Calm the Smurf down. 1118 00:43:01,260 --> 00:43:02,460 Bring a fucking suit next time. 1119 00:43:07,099 --> 00:43:08,332 (CLEARS THROAT) 1120 00:43:08,334 --> 00:43:09,400 Do you like the speech? 1121 00:43:09,402 --> 00:43:10,568 Yes, the speech is good. 1122 00:43:10,570 --> 00:43:13,070 Oh, you're going to have to stay way back there, Fred. 1123 00:43:13,072 --> 00:43:14,838 Just stay back, Flarsky. Okay? She's got to focus. 1124 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:15,906 On what? 1125 00:43:15,908 --> 00:43:17,107 Getting India and China to agree 1126 00:43:17,109 --> 00:43:18,175 to be a part of this initiative. 1127 00:43:18,177 --> 00:43:20,511 They haven't even agreed to be a part of it yet? 1128 00:43:20,513 --> 00:43:22,947 They will, we just have to sort out a few details. 1129 00:43:22,949 --> 00:43:24,048 We just wrote a whole speech 1130 00:43:24,050 --> 00:43:25,216 about how they're on-board already. 1131 00:43:25,218 --> 00:43:26,419 Don't worry, Fred. 1132 00:43:27,420 --> 00:43:29,186 You just stay here and make sure 1133 00:43:29,188 --> 00:43:32,389 nobody from Candy Land needs their car parked, okay? 1134 00:43:32,391 --> 00:43:33,791 I don't know why you needed a writer. 1135 00:43:33,793 --> 00:43:34,959 Those are sick burns. 1136 00:43:34,961 --> 00:43:36,360 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) 1137 00:43:36,362 --> 00:43:38,862 CRIER: Secretary of State Charlotte Field 1138 00:43:38,864 --> 00:43:40,900 of the United States of America. 1139 00:43:43,269 --> 00:43:45,135 Your Majesty. Your Highness. 1140 00:43:45,137 --> 00:43:46,472 - Your Highness. - Pleasure. 1141 00:43:52,445 --> 00:43:53,913 - (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh. 1142 00:43:56,148 --> 00:43:58,516 No, thank you. I'm working right now. 1143 00:43:58,518 --> 00:44:00,152 And you know you are, too. 1144 00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:02,687 I do know that. 1145 00:44:02,689 --> 00:44:05,089 But you dressed me like Cap'n Crunch's Grindr date, 1146 00:44:05,091 --> 00:44:07,392 so I'm going to drink to make you uncomfortable. 1147 00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:10,096 Honestly, Fred, your entire life makes me uncomfortable. 1148 00:44:11,431 --> 00:44:12,997 (MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH) 1149 00:44:12,999 --> 00:44:14,432 FRED: Oh no, fuck me. 1150 00:44:14,434 --> 00:44:16,934 (MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH) 1151 00:44:16,936 --> 00:44:18,570 - Yes. - (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH) 1152 00:44:18,572 --> 00:44:22,172 We both shop in the same mystical village, I see. 1153 00:44:22,174 --> 00:44:24,576 - (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH) - Yes, you look great. 1154 00:44:24,578 --> 00:44:25,943 - Congratulations. - Skal. 1155 00:44:25,945 --> 00:44:27,512 Skal. Skal to you, too. 1156 00:44:27,514 --> 00:44:30,417 - (SPEAKS SWEDISH) - Yes. (SPEAKS SWEDISH) 1157 00:44:32,519 --> 00:44:33,520 Jesus. 1158 00:44:36,122 --> 00:44:39,123 Hey, we're making a few revisions to the speech. 1159 00:44:39,125 --> 00:44:40,124 What? 1160 00:44:40,126 --> 00:44:42,294 So we're losing the "Seas" part, so go cut that, 1161 00:44:42,296 --> 00:44:44,262 and then brainstorm a couple of other funny lines 1162 00:44:44,264 --> 00:44:45,363 for the "Trees" section, okay? 1163 00:44:45,365 --> 00:44:46,598 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 1164 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,267 Losing the Seas part, why? 1165 00:44:49,269 --> 00:44:50,669 Because India wouldn't go for it. So we had to pivot. 1166 00:44:50,671 --> 00:44:53,438 That's not a pivot, that's a third of the whole fucking shit. 1167 00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,906 Are you kidding me? That's it, it's just gone? 1168 00:44:55,908 --> 00:44:57,007 Yeah, it's gone. 1169 00:44:57,009 --> 00:44:57,975 And there's nothing we can do? 1170 00:44:57,977 --> 00:44:59,076 No. And you don't have to worry about it. 1171 00:44:59,078 --> 00:45:03,114 Just go over to the computer. Start typey-typing. 1172 00:45:03,116 --> 00:45:04,117 Well, no. 1173 00:45:05,118 --> 00:45:06,618 I'm not gonna do that. 1174 00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:08,520 So you quit, resignation accepted. 1175 00:45:08,522 --> 00:45:10,088 I will rewrite the speech. 1176 00:45:10,090 --> 00:45:11,189 Oh, the fuck you will! 1177 00:45:11,191 --> 00:45:12,292 What the fuck? 1178 00:45:13,393 --> 00:45:15,360 (ALL GASP) 1179 00:45:15,362 --> 00:45:17,297 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1180 00:45:22,102 --> 00:45:23,582 - MAGGIE: You don't... - FRED: Let go! 1181 00:45:28,275 --> 00:45:29,576 (GUEST GASPING) 1182 00:45:31,611 --> 00:45:32,711 FRED: Look out. Excuse me! 1183 00:45:32,713 --> 00:45:34,412 MAGGIE: Stop running! Stop running! Stop running! 1184 00:45:34,414 --> 00:45:35,513 Fred, stop running! 1185 00:45:35,515 --> 00:45:37,317 (GUEST MURMURING) 1186 00:45:38,185 --> 00:45:39,186 Fred... 1187 00:45:40,020 --> 00:45:41,154 (EXCLAIMS) 1188 00:45:44,257 --> 00:45:45,323 Why did you do that? 1189 00:45:45,325 --> 00:45:47,258 Because I will not have you damage 1190 00:45:47,260 --> 00:45:48,593 the integrity of my writing! 1191 00:45:48,595 --> 00:45:50,595 The integrity of your writing? 1192 00:45:50,597 --> 00:45:53,131 You're a punch-up writer, you're not Maya Angelou! 1193 00:45:53,133 --> 00:45:54,632 What is going on? 1194 00:45:54,634 --> 00:45:56,334 What's going on with you, bruh? 1195 00:45:56,336 --> 00:45:57,369 Did you just call me "bruh"? 1196 00:45:57,371 --> 00:46:00,138 - She's the secretary of state. - Is he high? 1197 00:46:00,140 --> 00:46:02,340 MAGGIE: He is wasted, but he's also just stupid. 1198 00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,262 Meet me in the conference room, I'll handle this. 1199 00:46:06,713 --> 00:46:08,246 What's the deal, Fred? 1200 00:46:08,248 --> 00:46:11,049 What's the deal? What's the deal? What are... 1201 00:46:11,051 --> 00:46:13,017 The only reason I'm here is 'cause you told me 1202 00:46:13,019 --> 00:46:14,319 you cared about this shit, 1203 00:46:14,321 --> 00:46:16,588 and in the time I come out here to have a smoke, 1204 00:46:16,590 --> 00:46:19,424 you fucking got rid of a massive element of the whole thing. 1205 00:46:19,426 --> 00:46:22,728 I got two out of three. I only lost one. 1206 00:46:22,730 --> 00:46:25,964 That one was the seas. 1207 00:46:25,966 --> 00:46:28,400 It covers 75% of the planet! 1208 00:46:28,402 --> 00:46:30,335 - It's a pretty big one! - Bring down your voice. 1209 00:46:30,337 --> 00:46:31,436 You know why I'm upset? 1210 00:46:31,438 --> 00:46:33,538 This is exactly what I thought was going to happen. 1211 00:46:33,540 --> 00:46:35,674 And I even said it. I said it in your office. 1212 00:46:35,676 --> 00:46:38,443 I don't want to write for some bullshit politician. 1213 00:46:38,445 --> 00:46:39,712 I wanted to write for you. 1214 00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:41,446 Because I thought you cared about this shit. 1215 00:46:41,448 --> 00:46:44,249 Until you're running the game, you have to play the game. 1216 00:46:44,251 --> 00:46:46,184 Well, then, by the time you win the game, 1217 00:46:46,186 --> 00:46:49,320 you don't know who's scoring touchdowns on whose nets, 1218 00:46:49,322 --> 00:46:51,189 and you don't know who's hitting home runs 1219 00:46:51,191 --> 00:46:52,658 in whose fucking end zones! 1220 00:46:52,660 --> 00:46:54,225 - What are you talking about? - I don't know sports. 1221 00:46:54,227 --> 00:46:55,460 Let me try it with food. 1222 00:46:55,462 --> 00:46:57,730 You wanna open a restaurant. But all you got is chopsticks. 1223 00:46:57,732 --> 00:47:00,432 No! I don't have time for this, okay? 1224 00:47:00,434 --> 00:47:03,134 If you want to quit, then just fucking quit. 1225 00:47:03,136 --> 00:47:05,003 - I don't give a shit. - Yeah, you don't give a shit. 1226 00:47:05,005 --> 00:47:06,037 - No, I don't. - You used to fucking give a shit, 1227 00:47:06,039 --> 00:47:08,273 but now you don't give a shit about anything. 1228 00:47:08,275 --> 00:47:10,008 You cared more about recycling in high school 1229 00:47:10,010 --> 00:47:12,210 than you do this shit and it's very disappointing to me. 1230 00:47:13,313 --> 00:47:15,614 Fuck this. I've got a speech to give. 1231 00:47:15,616 --> 00:47:16,782 Oh, yeah, good luck giving it, 1232 00:47:16,784 --> 00:47:18,116 it's on my computer in the snow. 1233 00:47:18,118 --> 00:47:19,618 I have copies, you idiot. 1234 00:47:19,620 --> 00:47:21,988 You just threw your computer in the snow, that's it. 1235 00:47:23,089 --> 00:47:25,358 Oh, no! Shit! 1236 00:47:26,527 --> 00:47:28,594 Oh, God damn it! 1237 00:47:28,596 --> 00:47:31,329 It's soaked! I need a bowl of rice! 1238 00:47:31,331 --> 00:47:33,066 I need a big bowl of rice! 1239 00:47:34,402 --> 00:47:37,636 God damn it! Why didn't I back this thing up? 1240 00:47:37,638 --> 00:47:39,206 All my shit's on here. 1241 00:47:49,550 --> 00:47:51,051 CHARLOTTE: Fred. Look. 1242 00:47:54,755 --> 00:47:55,957 Wow. 1243 00:47:59,827 --> 00:48:01,995 I've never seen anything like that. 1244 00:48:04,365 --> 00:48:05,366 No, I... 1245 00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:08,336 I've seen pictures of it, but I never... 1246 00:48:09,537 --> 00:48:10,538 ...actually... 1247 00:48:12,473 --> 00:48:14,575 I never saw it. (SNIFFLES) 1248 00:48:15,543 --> 00:48:17,178 Are you crying right now? 1249 00:48:18,111 --> 00:48:19,112 It's pretty. 1250 00:48:23,618 --> 00:48:24,619 Yeah. 1251 00:48:27,188 --> 00:48:28,189 Fred? 1252 00:48:28,623 --> 00:48:29,624 (SNIFFLES) Yeah? 1253 00:48:31,125 --> 00:48:33,359 If you ever pull some shit like that again, 1254 00:48:33,361 --> 00:48:34,695 I'll have you thrown in Gitmo. 1255 00:48:37,198 --> 00:48:39,066 Yes, Madam Secretary. I'm sorry. 1256 00:48:40,801 --> 00:48:43,304 You better hope this fucking speech goes over well. 1257 00:48:46,107 --> 00:48:50,309 I've often gravitated toward the underdog. 1258 00:48:50,311 --> 00:48:54,747 The band of misfits who fight back against the bullies. 1259 00:48:54,749 --> 00:48:57,618 In high school, I would talk about the underdog a lot. 1260 00:48:59,353 --> 00:49:02,154 And I would often find myself on a soapbox, 1261 00:49:02,156 --> 00:49:05,560 rambling on and on about the injustices of the world. 1262 00:49:08,629 --> 00:49:11,196 Which makes you extremely popular, 1263 00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:13,699 especially when everybody would rather be watching 1264 00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:15,768 Beverly Hills, 90210. 1265 00:49:15,770 --> 00:49:17,405 (ALL LAUGH) 1266 00:49:19,807 --> 00:49:22,474 But that is why I am happy to announce 1267 00:49:22,476 --> 00:49:25,744 an initiative that would make my 16-year-old self proud. 1268 00:49:25,746 --> 00:49:28,247 In what is now being dubbed "The Underdog Speech," 1269 00:49:28,249 --> 00:49:30,516 the secretary of state opened up about her childhood 1270 00:49:30,518 --> 00:49:31,818 and passion for the environment 1271 00:49:31,820 --> 00:49:34,420 by announcing a bold new initiative... 1272 00:49:34,422 --> 00:49:37,523 ...turns out she has always been an Andrea Zuckerman 1273 00:49:37,525 --> 00:49:39,694 in the body of a Kelly Taylor. 1274 00:49:41,562 --> 00:49:43,364 - Hey. - Hi. 1275 00:49:44,532 --> 00:49:46,231 Oh, wow, you shaved your neck. 1276 00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:47,499 I did. I cleaned it up. 1277 00:49:47,501 --> 00:49:49,703 Got my whole back. Went all the way down. 1278 00:49:49,705 --> 00:49:50,870 Looks good. 1279 00:49:50,872 --> 00:49:52,706 Trying to make a good impression, I guess, anyway... 1280 00:49:52,708 --> 00:49:54,774 I, uh... 1281 00:49:54,776 --> 00:49:58,277 I just wanted to apologize to you, again, 1282 00:49:58,279 --> 00:50:01,614 for acting a little crazy, you know. 1283 00:50:01,616 --> 00:50:03,282 I'm gonna... 1284 00:50:03,284 --> 00:50:04,516 I'm going to really try to tone it down 1285 00:50:04,518 --> 00:50:08,189 and not, you know, make you risk global, uh, humiliation. 1286 00:50:08,556 --> 00:50:09,658 Good. Great. 1287 00:50:10,291 --> 00:50:11,423 Also. 1288 00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:12,959 I googled speech writing 1289 00:50:12,961 --> 00:50:14,761 and it was actually very informative. 1290 00:50:14,763 --> 00:50:15,729 What I learned 1291 00:50:15,731 --> 00:50:17,030 was that in order to write better for you, 1292 00:50:17,032 --> 00:50:20,466 I should kinda get to know you better and get in your head, 1293 00:50:20,468 --> 00:50:21,601 and everything I already know about you, 1294 00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:22,802 I kinda used on the first speech. 1295 00:50:22,804 --> 00:50:24,269 So, what I did 1296 00:50:24,271 --> 00:50:25,672 was I wrote a ton of questions 1297 00:50:25,674 --> 00:50:27,439 that will maybe help me capture your voice, 1298 00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:28,742 if you have a minute. 1299 00:50:28,744 --> 00:50:30,610 I actually have seven. 1300 00:50:30,612 --> 00:50:32,779 Seven. Okay, great. Yeah. I'll take it. 1301 00:50:32,781 --> 00:50:34,279 - All right. - Seven minutes in heaven. 1302 00:50:34,281 --> 00:50:35,615 (CHUCKLES) Um... 1303 00:50:35,617 --> 00:50:37,584 - Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) - So. Ah... I guess... 1304 00:50:37,586 --> 00:50:38,752 Just like... What are you into? 1305 00:50:38,754 --> 00:50:39,953 What kind of shit you into? 1306 00:50:39,955 --> 00:50:41,821 Well, this is pretty much it. 1307 00:50:41,823 --> 00:50:43,623 I mean, secretary of state stuff. 1308 00:50:43,625 --> 00:50:45,925 Do you have any hobbies? Anything? Do you watch TV? 1309 00:50:45,927 --> 00:50:47,560 Do you watch Game of Thrones or anything like that? 1310 00:50:47,562 --> 00:50:49,261 Oh, I'm fully aware of what happened 1311 00:50:49,263 --> 00:50:50,764 in every season of Game of Thrones. 1312 00:50:50,766 --> 00:50:52,599 Because you watch it? 1313 00:50:52,601 --> 00:50:54,734 Because I read synopses on every episode. 1314 00:50:54,736 --> 00:50:56,403 That can't actually work. 1315 00:50:56,405 --> 00:50:58,303 I couldn't believe when Khaleesi's dragon 1316 00:50:58,305 --> 00:50:59,825 (WHISPERS) came back as a White Walker. 1317 00:51:00,342 --> 00:51:01,641 (WHISPERS) Whoa! 1318 00:51:01,643 --> 00:51:02,742 - See? - What about movies? 1319 00:51:02,744 --> 00:51:04,010 Do you watch movies? 1320 00:51:04,012 --> 00:51:06,278 Synopses of all the award contenders. 1321 00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:07,614 You used to love movies! 1322 00:51:07,616 --> 00:51:09,716 You made me watch Encino Man 30 times. 1323 00:51:09,718 --> 00:51:12,352 "Wheeze a little juice!" 1324 00:51:12,354 --> 00:51:14,421 (LAUGHING) You still do the worst Pauly Shore impression 1325 00:51:14,423 --> 00:51:16,256 in the history of mankind. 1326 00:51:16,258 --> 00:51:18,692 I can't believe you're still doing "The Weasel" 1327 00:51:18,694 --> 00:51:20,326 and you haven't seen any of the Marvel Universe. 1328 00:51:20,328 --> 00:51:23,265 Those movies are sick. You're like frozen in time. 1329 00:51:23,865 --> 00:51:25,532 I am Encino Man. 1330 00:51:25,534 --> 00:51:26,533 (FRED SCOFFS) 1331 00:51:26,535 --> 00:51:29,369 All right, what is your favorite book as a kid? 1332 00:51:29,371 --> 00:51:31,404 The Velveteen Rabbit. You? 1333 00:51:31,406 --> 00:51:32,739 Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. 1334 00:51:32,741 --> 00:51:34,908 - Oh, that explains a lot. - (CHUCKLING) Yeah. 1335 00:51:34,910 --> 00:51:36,810 (GREETS IN VIETNAMESE) 1336 00:51:36,812 --> 00:51:39,312 I'm so sorry for what we've done to you. 1337 00:51:39,314 --> 00:51:40,880 Best drug experience? 1338 00:51:40,882 --> 00:51:42,816 I could get summoned at any moment 1339 00:51:42,818 --> 00:51:44,317 to deal with an international crisis, 1340 00:51:44,319 --> 00:51:45,652 I can't do that on acid. 1341 00:51:45,654 --> 00:51:46,920 What about Molly? 1342 00:51:46,922 --> 00:51:48,054 Who's Molly? 1343 00:51:48,056 --> 00:51:49,656 (SIGHS) 1344 00:51:49,658 --> 00:51:51,357 REPORTER: Secretary of State Charlotte Field 1345 00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:54,461 continues on her impressive 20-country world tour 1346 00:51:54,463 --> 00:51:55,862 to garner more support 1347 00:51:55,864 --> 00:51:57,597 for her ambitious environmental initiative. 1348 00:51:57,599 --> 00:51:59,432 And all in a private jet, no less. 1349 00:51:59,434 --> 00:52:00,934 You know what would save the environment? 1350 00:52:00,936 --> 00:52:02,736 Charlotte Field grounding her ass. 1351 00:52:02,738 --> 00:52:04,337 I know where I'd like to ground her ass. 1352 00:52:04,339 --> 00:52:06,673 (LAUGHS) Oh, I walked right into that one. 1353 00:52:06,675 --> 00:52:08,875 Must Have Been Love by Roxette. 1354 00:52:08,877 --> 00:52:11,411 - Oh! That's just fucking hot. - Right? 1355 00:52:11,413 --> 00:52:12,879 - I got a new one. - (MUFFLED) What? 1356 00:52:12,881 --> 00:52:14,314 I got to change my favorite song. 1357 00:52:14,316 --> 00:52:15,949 - You have too many. - I've done it a few times. 1358 00:52:15,951 --> 00:52:18,986 Broccoli by DRAM, featuring Lil Yachty. 1359 00:52:18,988 --> 00:52:20,553 All those words 1360 00:52:20,555 --> 00:52:22,455 - are the name of a song? - Yeah. 1361 00:52:22,457 --> 00:52:23,456 CHARLOTTE: I don't really think I have one. 1362 00:52:23,458 --> 00:52:25,725 FRED: You gotta have one. Everyone has one. 1363 00:52:25,727 --> 00:52:27,694 Well, I don't embarrass that easily. 1364 00:52:27,696 --> 00:52:29,596 Yeah, I hear that. I don't either, really. 1365 00:52:29,598 --> 00:52:31,698 - Yes, you do. - No, I don't! 1366 00:52:31,700 --> 00:52:34,634 (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Okay. 1367 00:52:34,636 --> 00:52:36,873 What's your favorite sexual position? 1368 00:52:38,540 --> 00:52:40,707 I mean, you know, front. 1369 00:52:40,709 --> 00:52:42,408 - Normal. Front facing normal. - (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. 1370 00:52:42,410 --> 00:52:43,978 - What kinda question is that? - That's all it took. 1371 00:52:43,980 --> 00:52:44,945 Look at you. 1372 00:52:44,947 --> 00:52:47,047 Well, what's your favorite sexual position? 1373 00:52:47,049 --> 00:52:49,083 - Don't be gross, Fred. Hi. - Yeah, see? 1374 00:52:49,085 --> 00:52:51,286 What's your favorite sexual position? 1375 00:52:51,988 --> 00:52:53,790 It's too complicated to explain. 1376 00:52:54,957 --> 00:52:56,725 - Really? - I told you mine. 1377 00:52:57,425 --> 00:52:59,425 Oh, God, okay. (SIGHS) 1378 00:52:59,427 --> 00:53:01,896 I just got back from a trip to New Delhi. 1379 00:53:01,898 --> 00:53:03,864 - Yeah? - I got called into a meeting 1380 00:53:03,866 --> 00:53:06,466 with the Joint Chiefs, and I was a little nervous. 1381 00:53:06,468 --> 00:53:08,601 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1382 00:53:08,603 --> 00:53:12,639 And my stomach was a little weird from all the curry. 1383 00:53:12,641 --> 00:53:13,709 Oh, no. 1384 00:53:14,409 --> 00:53:15,409 Delhi belly. 1385 00:53:17,647 --> 00:53:21,614 Well, we were in a motorcade and we couldn't stop. 1386 00:53:21,616 --> 00:53:22,952 - Oh, no. - Mmm-hmm. 1387 00:53:23,753 --> 00:53:25,019 God... 1388 00:53:25,021 --> 00:53:29,023 I ruined a really nice Dolce & Gabbana bag. 1389 00:53:29,025 --> 00:53:31,457 - You puked in it? - Nope. 1390 00:53:31,459 --> 00:53:34,662 Oh, no! In a moving vehicle? 1391 00:53:34,664 --> 00:53:37,497 (SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON TV) 1392 00:53:37,499 --> 00:53:39,733 Do you actually understand what's happening right now? 1393 00:53:39,735 --> 00:53:42,136 Yes, I speak Russian. 1394 00:53:42,138 --> 00:53:44,605 FRED: The Russian Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope. 1395 00:53:44,607 --> 00:53:46,976 Do svidanya, motherfuckers! 1396 00:53:47,810 --> 00:53:49,846 - (GASPS) - (GUNFIRE ON TV) 1397 00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:53,814 Oh, my God, they just shot the pirate guy! 1398 00:53:53,816 --> 00:53:55,049 But he's keeping the team together. 1399 00:53:55,051 --> 00:53:56,116 I know. 1400 00:53:56,118 --> 00:53:57,518 I don't think I can handle that. 1401 00:53:57,520 --> 00:53:58,586 - Oh, it's okay. - No, 1402 00:53:58,588 --> 00:54:00,721 I really liked him in the movie. 1403 00:54:00,723 --> 00:54:01,989 Don't worry, just keep watching. 1404 00:54:01,991 --> 00:54:04,725 FRED: You know, the Philippines gets a bad rap. 1405 00:54:04,727 --> 00:54:06,560 Because it's pretty nice here. 1406 00:54:06,562 --> 00:54:08,963 You'd never know civil war was about to break out. 1407 00:54:08,965 --> 00:54:10,431 This is good. 1408 00:54:10,433 --> 00:54:11,599 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 1409 00:54:11,601 --> 00:54:16,637 Hey. What if we use this line to start with? 1410 00:54:16,639 --> 00:54:17,905 Yeah, "I'm going to start this speech 1411 00:54:17,907 --> 00:54:19,506 "by saying the same thing I said to my boss 1412 00:54:19,508 --> 00:54:21,976 "at Blockbuster Video when I was 16. 1413 00:54:21,978 --> 00:54:23,177 - "I quit." - (LAUGHING) 1414 00:54:23,179 --> 00:54:25,613 - That's not bad. - I love that. 1415 00:54:25,615 --> 00:54:27,581 This is really fucking good. 1416 00:54:27,583 --> 00:54:29,750 Look at you, you get me, Fred. 1417 00:54:29,752 --> 00:54:31,952 I totally get you. 1418 00:54:31,954 --> 00:54:33,787 ♪ All I want for my birthday 1419 00:54:33,789 --> 00:54:35,623 ♪ Is a big booty ho 1420 00:54:35,625 --> 00:54:37,091 ♪ All I want for my birthday... ♪ 1421 00:54:37,093 --> 00:54:38,826 I couldn't be happier that out of all the shit 1422 00:54:38,828 --> 00:54:40,628 I played you from the last decade, 1423 00:54:40,630 --> 00:54:42,196 that what you've liked the most is 2 Chainz. 1424 00:54:42,198 --> 00:54:44,598 - It's catchy. - It's awesome. 1425 00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:45,735 (CHUCKLES) 1426 00:54:49,206 --> 00:54:52,074 So, are you, like, dating the prime minister of Canada? 1427 00:54:54,577 --> 00:54:56,110 - No. No. - No. 1428 00:54:56,112 --> 00:54:57,912 I feel like I read... Did I read that 1429 00:54:57,914 --> 00:54:59,880 in some shitty tabloid that you guys were dating? 1430 00:54:59,882 --> 00:55:02,716 - Maybe it's not true. - No, I'm sure you did. It's... 1431 00:55:02,718 --> 00:55:05,552 They like to write about it, but no. I... 1432 00:55:05,554 --> 00:55:08,555 We're not, we... We flirt. 1433 00:55:08,557 --> 00:55:09,957 - Yeah. Okay. - Kind of. 1434 00:55:09,959 --> 00:55:12,662 It's weird. We made out once. 1435 00:55:13,529 --> 00:55:14,597 Dope. 1436 00:55:14,931 --> 00:55:16,131 You asked. 1437 00:55:16,133 --> 00:55:18,199 No, hey! I've hooked up with 1438 00:55:18,201 --> 00:55:20,634 my fair share of world leaders, too. 1439 00:55:20,636 --> 00:55:22,705 I 69'd Fidel Castro once. 1440 00:55:23,639 --> 00:55:24,907 You thought his beard was big. 1441 00:55:25,641 --> 00:55:26,707 Um... 1442 00:55:26,709 --> 00:55:29,743 But how does that work with you? Do you, like... 1443 00:55:29,745 --> 00:55:31,679 Do you, like, date? 1444 00:55:31,681 --> 00:55:35,484 Uh... Yeah. I date. 1445 00:55:36,186 --> 00:55:38,119 Generally, you know, 1446 00:55:38,121 --> 00:55:40,654 with people who have similar lifestyles to me. 1447 00:55:40,656 --> 00:55:42,159 People who travel a lot. 1448 00:55:44,094 --> 00:55:47,763 It's hard to keep those things alive. I... 1449 00:55:49,099 --> 00:55:51,532 I mean, who wants to follow me around the world 1450 00:55:51,534 --> 00:55:53,870 and hope I have five minutes to be affectionate? 1451 00:55:54,770 --> 00:55:56,137 - Yeah. - And honestly, 1452 00:55:56,139 --> 00:55:57,906 guys don't really want to date women 1453 00:55:57,908 --> 00:55:59,207 who are more powerful than them. 1454 00:55:59,209 --> 00:56:00,810 They think they do, but... 1455 00:56:02,079 --> 00:56:03,912 It's a dick shriveller. 1456 00:56:03,914 --> 00:56:06,014 - Uff. - Mmm-hmm. 1457 00:56:06,016 --> 00:56:08,249 Dick Shriveller is my favorite Batman villain though. 1458 00:56:08,251 --> 00:56:09,953 - So... - (CHUCKLING SOFTLY) 1459 00:56:11,654 --> 00:56:13,587 You gonna ask why I'm still single? 1460 00:56:13,589 --> 00:56:16,091 - No, I get it. - (LAUGHING) 1461 00:56:16,093 --> 00:56:18,195 - It makes sense. - Yeah. It adds up. 1462 00:56:24,067 --> 00:56:25,934 - (WHOOSHING) - (GASPS) 1463 00:56:25,936 --> 00:56:27,936 - (EXPLOSION) - (FRED GRUNTING) 1464 00:56:27,938 --> 00:56:29,070 We're right in front of the window. 1465 00:56:29,072 --> 00:56:31,072 - (GUNFIRE) - (EXPLOSION) 1466 00:56:31,074 --> 00:56:32,674 What the fuck is happening? 1467 00:56:32,676 --> 00:56:34,309 Insurgents are fighting the army. 1468 00:56:34,311 --> 00:56:36,211 - Are we in danger? - Yes! Yes! 1469 00:56:36,213 --> 00:56:37,879 Madam Secretary, we need to leave now! 1470 00:56:37,881 --> 00:56:39,214 - (GUNFIRE) - FRED: Fuck! 1471 00:56:39,216 --> 00:56:40,583 AGENT: This way! 1472 00:56:41,952 --> 00:56:43,952 All right, guys, come with me. 1473 00:56:43,954 --> 00:56:45,554 - Come on. - (ALL SCREAM) 1474 00:57:09,913 --> 00:57:11,046 Secretary Field, this way! 1475 00:57:11,048 --> 00:57:13,016 - I got her, secure them! - (FRED GRUNTS) 1476 00:57:14,017 --> 00:57:15,085 This way. 1477 00:57:18,622 --> 00:57:19,790 You'll be safe in here. 1478 00:57:21,091 --> 00:57:23,124 Oh, fuck! Are you okay? 1479 00:57:23,126 --> 00:57:24,125 Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay? 1480 00:57:24,127 --> 00:57:26,127 I'm okay. Yeah. (STAMMERS) We're okay. Okay. 1481 00:57:26,129 --> 00:57:30,131 - Okay. - Okay. Okay. Holy shit! 1482 00:57:30,133 --> 00:57:33,368 (EXCLAIMS) Oh, we could have just died. 1483 00:57:33,370 --> 00:57:36,171 Oh, my God, I'm freaking out a bit right now. 1484 00:57:36,173 --> 00:57:37,238 (BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm having a hard time 1485 00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:38,374 catching my breath a little bit. 1486 00:57:38,376 --> 00:57:39,442 You don't seem like you're freaking out very much. 1487 00:57:39,444 --> 00:57:42,777 I am! I'm employing a Navy SEAL breathing technique, 1488 00:57:42,779 --> 00:57:44,045 for dealing with panicking. 1489 00:57:44,047 --> 00:57:46,281 It's just gonna take about 90 seconds to work. 1490 00:57:46,283 --> 00:57:49,250 90 seconds? I need more than fucking 90 seconds! 1491 00:57:49,252 --> 00:57:50,985 I need 90 fucking years! 1492 00:57:50,987 --> 00:57:53,688 I'm fucked up for life from this shit, yo! 1493 00:57:53,690 --> 00:57:56,425 I have so many regrets, did so many terrible things! 1494 00:57:56,427 --> 00:57:59,861 When I was 12, I peed on a dog to impress an older kid. 1495 00:57:59,863 --> 00:58:02,165 The dog didn't like it. The older kid didn't either! 1496 00:58:03,033 --> 00:58:04,099 It was just pointless. 1497 00:58:04,101 --> 00:58:05,867 - (EXPLOSION) - What the fuck? 1498 00:58:05,869 --> 00:58:07,938 Holy shit! Fuck! 1499 00:58:09,039 --> 00:58:11,240 Is there more? Is there gonna be more? 1500 00:58:11,242 --> 00:58:12,441 - Fred. - Is there more? 1501 00:58:12,443 --> 00:58:13,842 You're gonna have to calm down. 1502 00:58:13,844 --> 00:58:15,076 I don't think I can. 1503 00:58:15,078 --> 00:58:16,878 Sit down with me. 1504 00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:18,012 And breathe. 1505 00:58:18,014 --> 00:58:20,382 - Four seconds in. - (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1506 00:58:20,384 --> 00:58:21,450 Four seconds out. 1507 00:58:21,452 --> 00:58:23,285 Four seconds in. 1508 00:58:23,287 --> 00:58:24,953 (GASPING) One, two, three, four... 1509 00:58:24,955 --> 00:58:27,822 - Four seconds out. - One, two... 1510 00:58:27,824 --> 00:58:30,692 - Four seconds in. - One, two, three, four... 1511 00:58:30,694 --> 00:58:32,194 You don't have to count while you're doing this. 1512 00:58:32,196 --> 00:58:33,329 ...four. It helps me. 1513 00:58:33,331 --> 00:58:37,031 - (WHEEZING) One, two, three, four... - There you go. 1514 00:58:37,033 --> 00:58:39,368 One, two, three, four. 1515 00:58:39,370 --> 00:58:41,272 - One, two, three, four. - (EXHALING DEEPLY) 1516 00:58:42,140 --> 00:58:43,940 One, two, three, four. 1517 00:58:45,143 --> 00:58:47,178 - You got it. - (SIGHS) That actually works. 1518 00:58:48,212 --> 00:58:49,746 Those guys are good. 1519 00:58:51,449 --> 00:58:52,984 (EXHALING DEEPLY) 1520 00:58:54,318 --> 00:58:56,018 We did almost just die, though. 1521 00:58:56,020 --> 00:58:57,086 We actually did almost die. 1522 00:58:57,088 --> 00:58:58,753 - Yeah. - Oh, thank God. 1523 00:58:58,755 --> 00:58:59,888 That actually makes me feel better. 1524 00:58:59,890 --> 00:59:01,023 Means I didn't overreact. 1525 00:59:01,025 --> 00:59:03,760 Oh, God, no, you completely overreacted. (LAUGHING) 1526 00:59:04,828 --> 00:59:05,997 Yeah, maybe. 1527 00:59:08,499 --> 00:59:10,301 I can think of worse ways to go 1528 00:59:11,369 --> 00:59:13,037 than here with you. (CHUCKLES) 1529 00:59:14,372 --> 00:59:16,272 Honestly, this has been like, 1530 00:59:16,274 --> 00:59:19,076 the best few weeks of my entire life. 1531 00:59:22,446 --> 00:59:23,778 You don't have to say it back to me. 1532 00:59:23,780 --> 00:59:25,047 I know it's not true for you. 1533 00:59:25,049 --> 00:59:27,082 I saw you sing with Bruce Springsteen last year, 1534 00:59:27,084 --> 00:59:28,450 at that benefit concert. That was probably 1535 00:59:28,452 --> 00:59:29,919 a way better week. 1536 00:59:29,921 --> 00:59:32,754 Just as an example. (CHUCKLES) 1537 00:59:32,756 --> 00:59:35,191 Well, this is a pretty close second. 1538 00:59:35,193 --> 00:59:37,293 Really? To The Boss? 1539 00:59:37,295 --> 00:59:38,360 Yeah. 1540 00:59:38,362 --> 00:59:40,697 Wow. That's nice. 1541 00:59:47,338 --> 00:59:48,706 Uh... 1542 00:59:54,378 --> 00:59:57,446 I feel like maybe you want me to kiss you right now, 1543 00:59:57,448 --> 00:59:59,415 but I don't want to make the same stupid mistake 1544 00:59:59,417 --> 01:00:00,849 I made 25 years ago. 1545 01:00:00,851 --> 01:00:02,720 Wouldn't be a stupid mistake. 1546 01:00:03,421 --> 01:00:05,022 Wait... Really? 1547 01:00:11,562 --> 01:00:13,162 We've secured the location. 1548 01:00:13,164 --> 01:00:16,033 But we need to move you. The helicopter is standing by. 1549 01:00:17,134 --> 01:00:18,836 Thank you, Agent M. 1550 01:00:23,407 --> 01:00:24,807 FRED: Holy shit. 1551 01:00:24,809 --> 01:00:25,874 That helicopter was way louder 1552 01:00:25,876 --> 01:00:27,276 than I thought it was gonna be. 1553 01:00:27,278 --> 01:00:29,438 - MAGGIE: Fred, enough. Enough. - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! 1554 01:00:30,114 --> 01:00:31,213 We're safe here though? 1555 01:00:31,215 --> 01:00:32,881 - MAGGIE: Yes! - TOM: Oh, my God, Fred! 1556 01:00:32,883 --> 01:00:33,949 AGENT: This way. 1557 01:00:33,951 --> 01:00:35,311 FRED: This place looks really nice. 1558 01:00:39,123 --> 01:00:40,590 Fred, I need you to come work 1559 01:00:40,592 --> 01:00:42,424 on that speech with me, right now. 1560 01:00:42,426 --> 01:00:44,496 - Right now? - Yeah. Right now. 1561 01:00:45,363 --> 01:00:46,465 Okay. 1562 01:00:50,569 --> 01:00:52,835 (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) 1563 01:00:52,837 --> 01:00:54,003 Hang on, get my pants off. 1564 01:00:54,005 --> 01:00:55,339 Okay, I gotta, too. Shit. 1565 01:00:56,841 --> 01:00:58,240 - CHARLOTTE: We're doing it? - Yeah! 1566 01:00:58,242 --> 01:00:59,308 - CHARLOTTE: Do it faster. - Let's do it. 1567 01:00:59,310 --> 01:01:00,311 They're coming off! 1568 01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:04,282 Fucking tapered pants. Shit! 1569 01:01:05,617 --> 01:01:06,817 Fuck! 1570 01:01:08,320 --> 01:01:09,985 CHARLOTTE: Okay, just leave it! Just leave it! Leave it! 1571 01:01:09,987 --> 01:01:11,454 - FRED: Okay. - Okay. Yeah. 1572 01:01:11,456 --> 01:01:12,522 Should I go in, then? 1573 01:01:12,524 --> 01:01:14,189 Yeah, enter. 1574 01:01:14,191 --> 01:01:17,460 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no! 1575 01:01:17,462 --> 01:01:19,596 - I'm gonna come really soon. - Me too. 1576 01:01:19,598 --> 01:01:21,063 - Really? - Yeah! 1577 01:01:21,065 --> 01:01:22,131 - Oh, God! - Oh! 1578 01:01:22,133 --> 01:01:23,533 BOTH: Oh, boy! 1579 01:01:23,535 --> 01:01:26,369 (BOTH MOANING LOUDLY) 1580 01:01:26,371 --> 01:01:29,306 - Oh, God! Okay. - Oh, my God! 1581 01:01:29,308 --> 01:01:31,207 - I'm coming out. - Okay, come on. 1582 01:01:31,209 --> 01:01:37,012 Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck! 1583 01:01:37,014 --> 01:01:40,252 Wow. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. 1584 01:01:41,153 --> 01:01:42,352 I don't know what happened. 1585 01:01:42,354 --> 01:01:44,554 I usually last way longer than that. 1586 01:01:44,556 --> 01:01:45,956 - You know? - Not me. 1587 01:01:46,991 --> 01:01:47,923 That was weird. 1588 01:01:47,925 --> 01:01:49,125 We both said, "Oh, boy" when we came... 1589 01:01:49,127 --> 01:01:51,094 - Yeah, that's what I was thinking. - ...at the same time. 1590 01:01:51,096 --> 01:01:52,629 - That's never happened before. - I've never said that. 1591 01:01:52,631 --> 01:01:55,898 - Yeah. - Super strange. 1592 01:01:55,900 --> 01:01:57,600 - Oh! - Should we do that again? 1593 01:01:57,602 --> 01:01:59,269 Yeah, my hands are shaking, I need a minute. 1594 01:01:59,271 --> 01:02:00,905 (EXHALES) 1595 01:02:03,974 --> 01:02:05,608 Hmm. 1596 01:02:05,610 --> 01:02:08,545 - Who's this little guy? - (LAUGHING) 1597 01:02:08,547 --> 01:02:10,447 I was a writing an article about neo-Nazis 1598 01:02:10,449 --> 01:02:12,182 and I had to get a bottom half 1599 01:02:12,184 --> 01:02:13,616 of a swastika tattooed on me... 1600 01:02:13,618 --> 01:02:15,452 - Oh, my God. - ...so they wouldn't kill me 1601 01:02:15,454 --> 01:02:17,454 and I didn't want that, 1602 01:02:17,456 --> 01:02:20,590 so I added little shoes and I made him a little stick man 1603 01:02:20,592 --> 01:02:24,060 and I named him Adolf Stickler. 1604 01:02:24,062 --> 01:02:26,129 You'd never know he had little swastika legs. 1605 01:02:26,131 --> 01:02:27,597 - No. - He's so happy about it. 1606 01:02:27,599 --> 01:02:28,665 I know, they just look like pants. 1607 01:02:28,667 --> 01:02:31,301 You'd never know he was born in the fires of hatred. 1608 01:02:31,303 --> 01:02:32,971 (LAUGHING) 1609 01:02:34,706 --> 01:02:36,508 Man, I am hungry. 1610 01:02:39,144 --> 01:02:40,643 What time is it? 1611 01:02:40,645 --> 01:02:43,315 I couldn't tell you what fucking day it is. 1612 01:02:44,449 --> 01:02:47,417 And where... Where are we right now? 1613 01:02:47,419 --> 01:02:48,718 I don't have a clue. 1614 01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:49,986 You don't know? 1615 01:02:49,988 --> 01:02:51,187 No. They just dropped us here. 1616 01:02:51,189 --> 01:02:53,458 They just took us here on the helicopter. 1617 01:03:15,547 --> 01:03:16,613 AGENT M: Good morning, Mr. Flarsky. 1618 01:03:16,615 --> 01:03:17,983 Jesus! 1619 01:03:20,051 --> 01:03:21,386 You scared me, man. 1620 01:03:27,125 --> 01:03:29,727 Could you maybe not tell anybody about this? 1621 01:03:29,729 --> 01:03:31,530 They wouldn't believe me anyway. 1622 01:03:33,165 --> 01:03:34,232 Fair enough. 1623 01:03:35,300 --> 01:03:36,636 Good luck, man. 1624 01:03:38,604 --> 01:03:39,672 Thank you. 1625 01:03:48,681 --> 01:03:51,080 (ON RADIO) These helicopters are scary. 1626 01:03:51,082 --> 01:03:54,219 It's gonna be fine, Fred. Just breathe. 1627 01:03:56,087 --> 01:03:57,220 (EXHALES SHARPLY) 1628 01:03:57,222 --> 01:03:59,690 FRED: One, two, three, four. 1629 01:03:59,692 --> 01:04:01,694 One, two, three, four. 1630 01:04:13,806 --> 01:04:15,706 I feel so happy right now! 1631 01:04:15,708 --> 01:04:17,441 Like, I'm beginning to realize, 1632 01:04:17,443 --> 01:04:19,175 I may have never been happy. 1633 01:04:19,177 --> 01:04:21,679 This might be the first time I ever felt happy. 1634 01:04:21,681 --> 01:04:23,146 And it feels good. 1635 01:04:23,148 --> 01:04:26,149 This is like, the best shit that's ever happened. 1636 01:04:26,151 --> 01:04:28,084 There's like this crazy big banquet thing tonight, 1637 01:04:28,086 --> 01:04:29,687 and she gave me like a tuxedo to wear. 1638 01:04:29,689 --> 01:04:30,754 And it's not like a date, 1639 01:04:30,756 --> 01:04:32,356 but it kinda feels like a date. 1640 01:04:32,358 --> 01:04:35,058 How do I not fuck this up? Seems impossible. 1641 01:04:35,060 --> 01:04:37,294 Dude, you just need to give yourself affirmation, man. 1642 01:04:37,296 --> 01:04:39,095 You need to... (STAMMERS) 1643 01:04:39,097 --> 01:04:41,166 You need to say that you're worthy of love, man. 1644 01:04:42,133 --> 01:04:43,434 I am worthy of love. 1645 01:04:43,436 --> 01:04:45,101 All right, now you gotta say it 10,000 1646 01:04:45,103 --> 01:04:46,604 more times, until you believe it. 1647 01:04:46,606 --> 01:04:48,071 Okay, look, I gotta go. 1648 01:04:48,073 --> 01:04:50,407 I have no fucking clue how to tie a bow tie. 1649 01:04:50,409 --> 01:04:52,075 All right, man. Hey! 1650 01:04:52,077 --> 01:04:53,078 Be bold! 1651 01:05:00,286 --> 01:05:01,454 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 1652 01:05:09,495 --> 01:05:10,828 Hi. 1653 01:05:10,830 --> 01:05:13,497 You look really pretty. (CHUCKLES) 1654 01:05:13,499 --> 01:05:14,734 Thank you. 1655 01:05:15,635 --> 01:05:18,702 You look really pretty, too. 1656 01:05:18,704 --> 01:05:19,770 Thank you. 1657 01:05:19,772 --> 01:05:21,205 Thanks for the suit. 1658 01:05:21,207 --> 01:05:22,339 We should probably head in. 1659 01:05:22,341 --> 01:05:23,442 - Shall we? - FRED: Yeah. 1660 01:05:26,879 --> 01:05:29,647 Wow. This is awesome. 1661 01:05:29,649 --> 01:05:31,315 It's cool being in Argentina. 1662 01:05:31,317 --> 01:05:32,716 I think the guys who killed my grandparents 1663 01:05:32,718 --> 01:05:34,520 are hiding here somewhere. (CHUCKLES) 1664 01:05:35,254 --> 01:05:36,355 Shit, they got a band. 1665 01:05:38,357 --> 01:05:41,792 Do you wanna, uh, dance maybe? Or grab a drink? 1666 01:05:41,794 --> 01:05:43,327 So there are representatives 1667 01:05:43,329 --> 01:05:45,195 from over 75 countries here tonight. 1668 01:05:45,197 --> 01:05:46,730 She has three hours to get out there, 1669 01:05:46,732 --> 01:05:47,765 - shake her money maker... - Yeah. 1670 01:05:47,767 --> 01:05:49,500 ...and get as many commitments as possible. 1671 01:05:49,502 --> 01:05:51,168 - This is a work event. - Of course, yeah. I get it. 1672 01:05:51,170 --> 01:05:54,438 We could, uh, maybe at the end of the night, have a drink. 1673 01:05:54,440 --> 01:05:56,574 Yeah, if you have time. Cool. 1674 01:05:56,576 --> 01:05:58,642 - We'll see. - Yeah. 1675 01:05:58,644 --> 01:06:00,446 All right. Okay. 1676 01:06:04,450 --> 01:06:05,785 I know what's going on. 1677 01:06:09,155 --> 01:06:11,589 - What do you mean? - You know what I mean. 1678 01:06:11,591 --> 01:06:12,656 There's nothing going on. 1679 01:06:12,658 --> 01:06:14,826 Don't fucking bullshit me, Fred. 1680 01:06:14,828 --> 01:06:17,528 'Cause my EQ is through the goddamn roof. 1681 01:06:17,530 --> 01:06:20,598 And I understand and intuit the nuances of social dynamics 1682 01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:21,565 like you wouldn't believe. 1683 01:06:21,567 --> 01:06:24,501 The two of you are having sex with each other. 1684 01:06:24,503 --> 01:06:26,337 There's no way you could discern something like that. 1685 01:06:26,339 --> 01:06:27,573 Charlotte told me. 1686 01:06:28,341 --> 01:06:29,273 Really? 1687 01:06:29,275 --> 01:06:31,342 No, but you just did, you fucking idiot. 1688 01:06:31,344 --> 01:06:34,345 Fuck! Shit! That was fucking very clever. 1689 01:06:34,347 --> 01:06:35,512 Jesus, well, you know what, yes. 1690 01:06:35,514 --> 01:06:37,548 Okay. We're sexing one another down. 1691 01:06:37,550 --> 01:06:38,449 - So? - Ew. 1692 01:06:38,451 --> 01:06:39,818 Honestly, it's probably weirder to me 1693 01:06:39,820 --> 01:06:40,952 - than it is to you. - Look, 1694 01:06:40,954 --> 01:06:42,119 I can't believe I have to say this, 1695 01:06:42,121 --> 01:06:45,358 but just so you know, there's no way the two of you work. 1696 01:06:46,559 --> 01:06:48,292 Why would you say that? You don't know that. 1697 01:06:48,294 --> 01:06:50,361 The public will never accept the two of you together, 1698 01:06:50,363 --> 01:06:51,730 so neither will she. 1699 01:06:51,732 --> 01:06:53,330 Honestly, Fred, it doesn't matter 1700 01:06:53,332 --> 01:06:54,298 if you get it or you don't, 1701 01:06:54,300 --> 01:06:55,967 'cause the truth is, she is going to realize it 1702 01:06:55,969 --> 01:06:57,234 for the both of you, 1703 01:06:57,236 --> 01:06:59,336 then you'll have your heart broken. 1704 01:06:59,338 --> 01:07:00,672 And that could be kinda fun to watch. 1705 01:07:00,674 --> 01:07:02,375 Ambassador Plenipotentiary... 1706 01:07:19,526 --> 01:07:20,761 PARKER: Madam Secretary! 1707 01:07:21,862 --> 01:07:23,394 Excuse me. 1708 01:07:23,396 --> 01:07:24,529 - Ah! - Parker. 1709 01:07:24,531 --> 01:07:26,598 - Nope. Nope. Uh... - (KISSING) 1710 01:07:26,600 --> 01:07:28,466 (PARKER LAUGHING) 1711 01:07:28,468 --> 01:07:31,836 You know, we still have not found time to sit down. 1712 01:07:31,838 --> 01:07:33,004 You know, it's not gonna happen. 1713 01:07:33,006 --> 01:07:34,639 I'm not gonna find time. 1714 01:07:34,641 --> 01:07:37,241 I will get my way on this. 1715 01:07:37,243 --> 01:07:38,576 I don't even know what you mean by "this," 1716 01:07:38,578 --> 01:07:41,012 but please have at it. It's all yours. 1717 01:07:41,014 --> 01:07:42,447 - May I have a word? - Can you excuse me? 1718 01:07:42,449 --> 01:07:43,682 We're in the middle of a conversation here. 1719 01:07:43,684 --> 01:07:46,351 - Of course. Yes. - Oh, my God. You are a... 1720 01:07:46,353 --> 01:07:48,853 You look absolutely wonderful. 1721 01:07:48,855 --> 01:07:50,755 - CHARLOTTE: Oh. - (JAMES SPEAKS FRENCH) 1722 01:07:50,757 --> 01:07:51,990 (CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES) 1723 01:07:51,992 --> 01:07:53,491 (IN ENGLISH) I have to say, I have been 1724 01:07:53,493 --> 01:07:55,727 so impressed by your initiative. 1725 01:07:55,729 --> 01:07:57,495 Does this mean I can add Canada 1726 01:07:57,497 --> 01:07:59,497 to the list of countries taking part? 1727 01:07:59,499 --> 01:08:01,666 (CLICKS TONGUE) On one condition. 1728 01:08:01,668 --> 01:08:02,567 Let me guess. 1729 01:08:02,569 --> 01:08:05,303 You want fewer restrictions on lumber. 1730 01:08:05,305 --> 01:08:06,640 I don't care about lumber. 1731 01:08:07,941 --> 01:08:09,476 I just want to dance. 1732 01:08:10,744 --> 01:08:11,912 (SPEAKS FRENCH) 1733 01:08:12,913 --> 01:08:13,978 Sure. 1734 01:08:13,980 --> 01:08:16,047 (SLOW TANGO MUSIC PLAYING) 1735 01:08:16,049 --> 01:08:17,918 (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 1736 01:08:37,637 --> 01:08:38,705 Whoa! (CHUCKLES) 1737 01:08:39,906 --> 01:08:41,408 Wow. 1738 01:08:42,776 --> 01:08:44,008 You know when you see something, 1739 01:08:44,010 --> 01:08:47,345 and it just looks right. 1740 01:08:47,347 --> 01:08:49,414 Like a Kangol hat on Samuel L. Jackson. 1741 01:08:49,416 --> 01:08:50,417 MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm. 1742 01:08:51,785 --> 01:08:53,687 (MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO) 1743 01:09:00,061 --> 01:09:01,762 (WHISPERING) I'm worthy of love. 1744 01:09:03,463 --> 01:09:04,798 I'm worthy of love. 1745 01:09:07,434 --> 01:09:08,735 What the fuck are you saying? 1746 01:09:09,636 --> 01:09:10,637 Nothing. 1747 01:09:18,946 --> 01:09:20,948 (MUSIC STOPS) 1748 01:09:29,556 --> 01:09:30,892 (MUSIC CONTINUES) 1749 01:09:36,396 --> 01:09:37,731 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1750 01:09:43,838 --> 01:09:44,839 Bonjour, ma'am. 1751 01:10:04,659 --> 01:10:05,993 (LAUGHING) 1752 01:10:17,872 --> 01:10:18,873 Excuse me. 1753 01:10:20,942 --> 01:10:22,475 Agent E, look alive. 1754 01:10:38,059 --> 01:10:39,426 - Hi. - Hey. 1755 01:10:40,194 --> 01:10:41,829 I hear you have a crush on me. 1756 01:10:43,197 --> 01:10:44,565 I do. (CHUCKLES) 1757 01:10:46,133 --> 01:10:47,935 Kinda have a crush on you, too. 1758 01:10:49,637 --> 01:10:50,805 Well, that's cool. 1759 01:10:54,075 --> 01:10:56,175 Hey, I know I asked earlier. 1760 01:10:56,177 --> 01:10:57,743 But, uh... 1761 01:10:57,745 --> 01:10:59,747 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1762 01:11:01,449 --> 01:11:02,783 Do you want to dance with me? 1763 01:11:05,620 --> 01:11:06,621 It's a dope song. 1764 01:11:07,788 --> 01:11:09,021 Really fucking good song. 1765 01:11:09,023 --> 01:11:10,155 Maybe the best song ever written. 1766 01:11:10,157 --> 01:11:11,158 Yeah. 1767 01:11:19,667 --> 01:11:22,536 (SINGING ALONG) 1768 01:11:28,576 --> 01:11:30,745 (BOTH SINGING ALONG) 1769 01:12:03,278 --> 01:12:04,812 (SONG CONTINUES) 1770 01:12:46,121 --> 01:12:47,189 (GASPS) 1771 01:12:59,301 --> 01:13:00,934 I want you to fuck me from behind 1772 01:13:00,936 --> 01:13:02,104 and slap my ass really hard. 1773 01:13:04,773 --> 01:13:05,972 What? 1774 01:13:05,974 --> 01:13:07,307 What? 1775 01:13:07,309 --> 01:13:09,575 Nothing. What, did I say "what"? 1776 01:13:09,577 --> 01:13:10,877 Am I being too bossy? 1777 01:13:10,879 --> 01:13:13,645 No. No. No. No. Not at all. No. No. 1778 01:13:13,647 --> 01:13:15,181 I am. I am. I'm your boss all day, 1779 01:13:15,183 --> 01:13:16,049 and now I'm bossing you in bed. 1780 01:13:16,051 --> 01:13:17,583 I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. 1781 01:13:17,585 --> 01:13:18,785 No. Not at all. 1782 01:13:18,787 --> 01:13:20,653 My brain, honestly, just went into shock a little bit... 1783 01:13:20,655 --> 01:13:21,788 Yeah, but you hesitated. 1784 01:13:21,790 --> 01:13:24,824 No, it's just not how I imagined you liking things. 1785 01:13:24,826 --> 01:13:27,927 You know what? We'll do exactly what you were imagining. 1786 01:13:27,929 --> 01:13:29,929 And then you turn me around and slap me on my ass 1787 01:13:29,931 --> 01:13:31,166 and then choke me a little bit. 1788 01:13:31,933 --> 01:13:32,934 Oh, my God. 1789 01:13:37,606 --> 01:13:38,774 (EXHALES) 1790 01:13:40,675 --> 01:13:41,743 Whoa. 1791 01:13:51,753 --> 01:13:52,754 Frederick. 1792 01:13:53,355 --> 01:13:54,589 Margaret. 1793 01:13:59,361 --> 01:14:01,161 Hey, you forgot this... Oh, fuck! 1794 01:14:01,163 --> 01:14:02,929 - Gross! - Um... 1795 01:14:02,931 --> 01:14:04,264 I thought you guys hated each other. 1796 01:14:04,266 --> 01:14:06,366 - We do hate each other. - We do. Big time. 1797 01:14:06,368 --> 01:14:08,301 - We are also fucking. - Ugh. 1798 01:14:08,303 --> 01:14:09,403 How long have you been fucking? 1799 01:14:09,405 --> 01:14:10,737 That was probably 20 minutes. 1800 01:14:10,739 --> 01:14:11,805 Not right now! 1801 01:14:11,807 --> 01:14:14,007 - Oh. - A lot of questions. Um, I... 1802 01:14:14,009 --> 01:14:15,175 I would say anywhere between 1803 01:14:15,177 --> 01:14:17,043 two and five... Three and a half times. 1804 01:14:17,045 --> 01:14:18,878 I would say on my end, five. 1805 01:14:18,880 --> 01:14:20,347 Three and a half sounds right. 1806 01:14:20,349 --> 01:14:22,715 I don't know how you're tallying that shit. That's sick. 1807 01:14:22,717 --> 01:14:25,151 Okay, first of all, there's a woman present. 1808 01:14:25,153 --> 01:14:26,786 There's a woman in there, too? 1809 01:14:26,788 --> 01:14:28,688 - Excuse me. - Easy. 1810 01:14:28,690 --> 01:14:29,889 - And I got it. - Sorry. 1811 01:14:29,891 --> 01:14:31,257 - Again. - Sorry, I'm... 1812 01:14:31,259 --> 01:14:33,126 A woman is present and that woman is me. 1813 01:14:33,128 --> 01:14:34,727 - You? - TOM: We're talking about her. 1814 01:14:34,729 --> 01:14:36,663 Trust me, I know, Fred. 1815 01:14:36,665 --> 01:14:37,730 Tom, I got this. 1816 01:14:37,732 --> 01:14:39,165 - Ugh! - I'm gonna say goodnight. 1817 01:14:39,167 --> 01:14:40,367 You tuck that in. Goodnight to you. 1818 01:14:40,369 --> 01:14:41,234 And I will take my leave. 1819 01:14:41,236 --> 01:14:44,271 No. No way. I'm not touching that shit. 1820 01:14:44,273 --> 01:14:46,739 - It's not the worst instinct. - Guys, just... 1821 01:14:46,741 --> 01:14:47,807 Those hands have been places. 1822 01:14:47,809 --> 01:14:49,310 MAGGIE: Goodnight. 1823 01:14:49,312 --> 01:14:51,811 With France's commitment, U.S. Secretary of State 1824 01:14:51,813 --> 01:14:55,182 Charlotte Field's noble Rehabilitation Initiative 1825 01:14:55,184 --> 01:14:57,218 has secured the support of 100 countries. 1826 01:14:57,220 --> 01:14:59,320 - (CELL PHONE CHIMES) - (GASPS) 1827 01:14:59,322 --> 01:15:00,588 The president wants to talk to you. 1828 01:15:00,590 --> 01:15:03,723 We've set up the tent in the next room, Madam Secretary. 1829 01:15:03,725 --> 01:15:04,993 Tell him hi. 1830 01:15:09,432 --> 01:15:12,065 Mr. President. Bonjour. 1831 01:15:12,067 --> 01:15:13,334 CHAMBERS: (ON VIDEO) Charlie, bonjour. 1832 01:15:13,336 --> 01:15:16,903 Hey, what's this I hear about an environmental treaty thing? 1833 01:15:16,905 --> 01:15:18,705 Oh, it's the Global 1834 01:15:18,707 --> 01:15:20,807 Rehabilitation Initiative, sir. 1835 01:15:20,809 --> 01:15:23,310 It's been on your desk for the last three weeks. (CHUCKLES) 1836 01:15:23,312 --> 01:15:25,412 Yeah, well, we ran it up the flagpole 1837 01:15:25,414 --> 01:15:27,847 and it's ruffling some feathers. 1838 01:15:27,849 --> 01:15:29,983 Sir, you are the flagpole. 1839 01:15:29,985 --> 01:15:33,420 There are actually quite a few flagpoles in this joint. 1840 01:15:33,422 --> 01:15:35,189 We need you to revise it. 1841 01:15:35,191 --> 01:15:36,192 Sir? 1842 01:15:37,093 --> 01:15:39,195 We need you to kill the trees. 1843 01:15:43,199 --> 01:15:44,431 Why would he do that? 1844 01:15:44,433 --> 01:15:47,468 Because he's funded by a bunch of fucking rich assholes 1845 01:15:47,470 --> 01:15:49,103 and I probably pissed one of them off. 1846 01:15:49,105 --> 01:15:50,803 Can I just say the optics of this 1847 01:15:50,805 --> 01:15:52,506 are actually not that different? 1848 01:15:52,508 --> 01:15:54,308 The initiative still has the same name. 1849 01:15:54,310 --> 01:15:56,076 It sounds very impressive, 1850 01:15:56,078 --> 01:15:58,212 which is ultimately all that matters. 1851 01:15:58,214 --> 01:16:00,915 I actually cared about this. 1852 01:16:00,917 --> 01:16:02,483 Now what am I fucking left with? Bees? 1853 01:16:02,485 --> 01:16:03,816 I don't even like bees. 1854 01:16:03,818 --> 01:16:05,085 Do you have to listen to him? 1855 01:16:05,087 --> 01:16:08,255 Yes. I have to listen to him. 1856 01:16:08,257 --> 01:16:11,091 Because unless he endorses me, I won't win. 1857 01:16:11,093 --> 01:16:14,028 And this whole fucking show would have been for nothing. 1858 01:16:14,030 --> 01:16:16,096 Well, maybe you don't need his endorsement to win. 1859 01:16:16,098 --> 01:16:17,464 You know? People are digging your shit. 1860 01:16:17,466 --> 01:16:19,133 And your numbers are good. 1861 01:16:19,135 --> 01:16:21,335 You know what, Fred? She needs a little alone time. 1862 01:16:21,337 --> 01:16:22,870 Right, she probably just needs a friend right now. 1863 01:16:22,872 --> 01:16:23,938 MAGGIE: Time to go, buddy. 1864 01:16:23,940 --> 01:16:25,806 CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God. 1865 01:16:25,808 --> 01:16:29,045 Maggie, just give me a second alone with Fred, please. 1866 01:16:35,184 --> 01:16:36,185 (DOOR OPENS) 1867 01:16:38,254 --> 01:16:39,255 (DOOR CLOSES) 1868 01:16:42,258 --> 01:16:43,891 (CHARLOTTE SIGHS) 1869 01:16:43,893 --> 01:16:46,293 I don't wanna do this job anymore. 1870 01:16:46,295 --> 01:16:47,363 I fuckin' hate it. 1871 01:16:48,264 --> 01:16:50,431 I mean, what's the point? 1872 01:16:50,433 --> 01:16:53,736 Every time I do something, it just gets undone. 1873 01:16:54,303 --> 01:16:55,536 I'm sorry. 1874 01:16:55,538 --> 01:16:57,338 I just wanna be a normal person 1875 01:16:57,340 --> 01:16:59,106 and not give a fuck about anything 1876 01:16:59,108 --> 01:17:01,141 just like the rest of the world. 1877 01:17:01,143 --> 01:17:03,210 Yeah, most people don't give a shit about anything. 1878 01:17:03,212 --> 01:17:04,914 I bet it's really nice. 1879 01:17:06,082 --> 01:17:07,915 That's what I want. 1880 01:17:07,917 --> 01:17:10,019 I don't know how to give that to you. 1881 01:17:13,456 --> 01:17:15,024 Let's get fucked up. 1882 01:17:15,424 --> 01:17:16,491 Fucked up? 1883 01:17:16,493 --> 01:17:18,959 - Yeah. - Like a few beers fucked up 1884 01:17:18,961 --> 01:17:21,228 or more than that fucked up? 1885 01:17:21,230 --> 01:17:23,199 Like super fucked up. 1886 01:17:29,038 --> 01:17:31,506 I want to smoke a Molly with you. 1887 01:17:31,508 --> 01:17:32,940 (SNORTS) 1888 01:17:32,942 --> 01:17:34,110 What? 1889 01:17:34,877 --> 01:17:36,611 That's not, um... 1890 01:17:36,613 --> 01:17:38,279 That's not how you take it, but... 1891 01:17:38,281 --> 01:17:39,179 How do you take it? 1892 01:17:39,181 --> 01:17:41,048 It's a pill. You take it in your mouth. 1893 01:17:41,050 --> 01:17:42,584 But I don't know if you wanna do it. 1894 01:17:42,586 --> 01:17:43,917 Why not? 1895 01:17:43,919 --> 01:17:45,853 I just don't know if it's a good idea. 1896 01:17:45,855 --> 01:17:49,225 As your boss, I'm ordering you to get me a Molly. 1897 01:17:50,159 --> 01:17:51,328 Oh, man. 1898 01:18:21,358 --> 01:18:22,524 You good? 1899 01:18:22,526 --> 01:18:24,492 (ECHOING) I don't feel anything. 1900 01:18:24,494 --> 01:18:26,494 You don't feel it? 1901 01:18:26,496 --> 01:18:28,296 No, I don't feel a fucking thing. 1902 01:18:28,298 --> 01:18:31,101 Ooh! Wow. 1903 01:18:31,568 --> 01:18:34,102 ...Was right. 1904 01:18:34,104 --> 01:18:38,005 Holy fuck... 1905 01:18:38,007 --> 01:18:39,341 (GRUNTING) No! 1906 01:18:39,343 --> 01:18:41,676 My jaw feels really weird. 1907 01:18:41,678 --> 01:18:43,010 Yeah, that's the drugs. 1908 01:18:43,012 --> 01:18:44,612 Drugs love a jaw. 1909 01:18:44,614 --> 01:18:47,048 - I want more. - No, no, no, no. 1910 01:18:47,050 --> 01:18:48,450 Maybe in like an hour. 1911 01:18:48,452 --> 01:18:50,153 We should do it now. 1912 01:18:54,091 --> 01:18:55,958 (FIREWORKS BURSTING) 1913 01:19:13,443 --> 01:19:15,312 (ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) 1914 01:19:19,015 --> 01:19:21,216 Yes, motherfuckers! 1915 01:19:21,218 --> 01:19:23,151 I could do this forever! 1916 01:19:23,153 --> 01:19:24,552 We're gonna. 1917 01:19:24,554 --> 01:19:27,055 I know I've been like... 1918 01:19:27,057 --> 01:19:29,290 I've been, like, playing it pretty cool. 1919 01:19:29,292 --> 01:19:31,292 Like I've probably been a little hard to read, 1920 01:19:31,294 --> 01:19:32,961 and I've been acting kinda, like, aloof, 1921 01:19:32,963 --> 01:19:34,629 maybe like I don't care that much. 1922 01:19:34,631 --> 01:19:38,066 But I don't wanna do that anymore. I really like you. 1923 01:19:38,068 --> 01:19:40,368 You haven't been playing it cool at all. 1924 01:19:40,370 --> 01:19:43,037 You just followed me into the bathroom. 1925 01:19:43,039 --> 01:19:44,272 Yeah, to talk. 1926 01:19:44,274 --> 01:19:46,408 - I really like you, too! - Really? 1927 01:19:46,410 --> 01:19:48,042 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1928 01:19:48,044 --> 01:19:50,011 (BOTH YELLING) 1929 01:19:50,013 --> 01:19:52,680 - Madam Secretary! - Yeah! Whoa! 1930 01:19:52,682 --> 01:19:54,516 Madam Secretary! Listen to me! 1931 01:19:54,518 --> 01:19:56,651 Dance with me, Steven! Dance! 1932 01:19:56,653 --> 01:19:57,753 We have a situation. 1933 01:19:57,755 --> 01:19:59,122 - Huh? - (SPEAKING INAUDIBLY) 1934 01:20:07,464 --> 01:20:09,330 - (STAMMERS) - FRED: Yo. 1935 01:20:09,332 --> 01:20:12,367 How much longer is this Molly stuff gonna last? 1936 01:20:12,369 --> 01:20:14,135 We just re-upped. 1937 01:20:14,137 --> 01:20:16,337 You kept saying you wanted to take more, so we did. 1938 01:20:16,339 --> 01:20:19,409 So we have another maybe four or five hours. 1939 01:20:20,578 --> 01:20:22,711 Yeah. Why? 1940 01:20:22,713 --> 01:20:24,547 I'm in so much trouble. 1941 01:20:24,549 --> 01:20:25,614 FRED: What's happening? 1942 01:20:25,616 --> 01:20:27,215 I'm gonna be in so much trouble. 1943 01:20:27,217 --> 01:20:29,419 What's happening? Are they outta water? 1944 01:20:30,287 --> 01:20:31,453 One of our U2s went down 1945 01:20:31,455 --> 01:20:34,355 while performing a standard fly-over in Kashtari airspace. 1946 01:20:34,357 --> 01:20:35,457 The pilot was able to eject, 1947 01:20:35,459 --> 01:20:38,461 but it appears he was taken by the Kashtari military. 1948 01:20:38,463 --> 01:20:40,161 Thank you, General. 1949 01:20:40,163 --> 01:20:41,664 Prime Minister Bharath is refusing 1950 01:20:41,666 --> 01:20:44,165 to return the pilot to United States custody. 1951 01:20:44,167 --> 01:20:46,134 He's personally hurt by the many insults 1952 01:20:46,136 --> 01:20:47,636 hurled at him by POTUS. 1953 01:20:47,638 --> 01:20:49,538 Good job. All right. 1954 01:20:49,540 --> 01:20:51,074 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 1955 01:20:52,309 --> 01:20:53,669 It's gonna be okay in there, right? 1956 01:20:54,579 --> 01:20:56,012 That's up to you, ma'am. 1957 01:20:57,247 --> 01:20:59,650 (EXHALES) Oh, God. You got this. 1958 01:21:12,797 --> 01:21:14,665 (CLEARING THROAT) 1959 01:21:15,600 --> 01:21:16,732 (CLEARS THROAT) 1960 01:21:16,734 --> 01:21:19,268 I can hold onto your sunglasses for you, if you'd like. 1961 01:21:19,270 --> 01:21:24,308 Oh, no. I have alopecia. In both eyes. 1962 01:21:25,409 --> 01:21:27,411 (CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) 1963 01:21:28,446 --> 01:21:29,514 (PHONE BEEPS) 1964 01:21:30,681 --> 01:21:32,146 Hello. 1965 01:21:32,148 --> 01:21:33,114 BHARATH: (LOUDLY ON PHONE) Secretary Field! 1966 01:21:33,116 --> 01:21:34,216 CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God! 1967 01:21:34,218 --> 01:21:37,085 Hello, Bharath? Hey. 1968 01:21:37,087 --> 01:21:40,456 I hear we have a situation here? 1969 01:21:40,458 --> 01:21:43,561 One that we both probably want resolved. 1970 01:21:45,396 --> 01:21:47,830 Very quickly... 1971 01:21:47,832 --> 01:21:50,432 You're not going to bully me this time, Madam Secretary. 1972 01:21:50,434 --> 01:21:52,134 Your man will stay here 1973 01:21:52,136 --> 01:21:55,104 until your president personally apologizes to me. 1974 01:21:55,106 --> 01:21:56,107 Over Instagram. 1975 01:21:57,308 --> 01:22:00,278 - He won't do that. - Yeah, no. Yes... 1976 01:22:01,379 --> 01:22:03,579 - (WHISPERS) Yo. - Yes? 1977 01:22:03,581 --> 01:22:05,147 Can I level with you? 1978 01:22:05,149 --> 01:22:06,682 Can I fill you in on something? 1979 01:22:06,684 --> 01:22:07,716 Go ahead. 1980 01:22:07,718 --> 01:22:09,385 Me and Charlotte, we're fucked up right now. 1981 01:22:09,387 --> 01:22:10,319 We're on drugs. 1982 01:22:10,321 --> 01:22:11,854 First of all, I don't wanna talk about that. 1983 01:22:11,856 --> 01:22:13,556 Why? We can't talk about the drugs. 1984 01:22:13,558 --> 01:22:14,890 Do you know we're on drugs? 1985 01:22:14,892 --> 01:22:17,428 I don't wanna talk about that in this room. 1986 01:22:18,629 --> 01:22:19,869 - What's happening? - (MOUTHING) 1987 01:22:21,265 --> 01:22:22,331 We're on drugs right now. 1988 01:22:22,333 --> 01:22:24,400 (LAUGHING LOUDLY) 1989 01:22:24,402 --> 01:22:26,168 That's funny. That's a funny joke! 1990 01:22:26,170 --> 01:22:28,137 FRED: What's a joke? We're on fucking drugs... 1991 01:22:28,139 --> 01:22:29,371 (MOUTHING) 1992 01:22:29,373 --> 01:22:30,506 Are we going somewhere? 1993 01:22:30,508 --> 01:22:31,742 (MOUTHING) 1994 01:22:32,343 --> 01:22:34,243 What is that? 1995 01:22:34,245 --> 01:22:36,512 What is happening? We're on drugs right now. 1996 01:22:36,514 --> 01:22:39,214 So you're admitting that the United States government 1997 01:22:39,216 --> 01:22:41,450 ordered these planes to spy on my country? 1998 01:22:41,452 --> 01:22:42,518 No. 1999 01:22:42,520 --> 01:22:43,686 (MOUTHS) 2000 01:22:43,688 --> 01:22:46,789 No! No! Of course not! 2001 01:22:46,791 --> 01:22:48,892 That's what it sounded like. Face it. 2002 01:22:48,894 --> 01:22:50,125 You have no leverage here. 2003 01:22:50,127 --> 01:22:53,395 Match his aggression, Madam. It's the only way out of this. 2004 01:22:53,397 --> 01:22:55,865 I don't know, he seems really fucking pissed off. 2005 01:22:55,867 --> 01:22:57,366 Get more fucking pissed. 2006 01:22:57,368 --> 01:22:58,770 Let him know who's really in charge. 2007 01:23:00,571 --> 01:23:02,106 - (GRUNTS) - (BANGS) 2008 01:23:03,674 --> 01:23:05,376 (SOFTLY) Oh, my God, that really hurt. 2009 01:23:06,611 --> 01:23:08,377 I gotta be honest, I'm not... 2010 01:23:08,379 --> 01:23:11,580 I'm not feeling all this aggression stuff. 2011 01:23:11,582 --> 01:23:15,250 I'm into more of, like, a chilled vibe. 2012 01:23:15,252 --> 01:23:17,889 You know, just feeling... 2013 01:23:18,824 --> 01:23:20,759 God, are those Gauloises? 2014 01:23:21,760 --> 01:23:23,361 Just, I'm so... 2015 01:23:24,663 --> 01:23:27,131 I'm just gonna bum one. 2016 01:23:29,233 --> 01:23:30,532 Just give me one sec. 2017 01:23:30,534 --> 01:23:31,603 Don't worry. 2018 01:23:39,778 --> 01:23:40,844 Bharath. 2019 01:23:40,846 --> 01:23:42,581 - Hello? - Listen. 2020 01:23:43,849 --> 01:23:45,784 Mmm. Mmm. 2021 01:23:47,485 --> 01:23:52,289 You and I are in the same boat, my friend. 2022 01:23:52,858 --> 01:23:54,524 How is that the case? 2023 01:23:54,526 --> 01:23:55,925 We both have to deal with my boss 2024 01:23:55,927 --> 01:23:59,328 and we both think he is an asshole. 2025 01:23:59,330 --> 01:24:01,397 You also think he's an asshole? 2026 01:24:01,399 --> 01:24:02,899 Oh, my God, he's such an asshole. 2027 01:24:02,901 --> 01:24:04,768 His stupid fucking TV show 2028 01:24:04,770 --> 01:24:06,703 was like, good for three episodes 2029 01:24:06,705 --> 01:24:08,571 and then it just didn't make any sense. 2030 01:24:08,573 --> 01:24:10,709 (SIGHS) Fuck, it feels good to say that. 2031 01:24:13,745 --> 01:24:14,746 Listen. 2032 01:24:16,915 --> 01:24:20,984 You need to keep this on the real DL. 2033 01:24:20,986 --> 01:24:24,421 We both know that the U.S. does not 2034 01:24:24,423 --> 01:24:27,557 negotiate with terrorists. 2035 01:24:27,559 --> 01:24:32,962 But, we do negotiate with homies. 2036 01:24:32,964 --> 01:24:35,598 So if you give us our guy back, 2037 01:24:35,600 --> 01:24:39,736 I'm gonna hook you up with a sweet aid package. 2038 01:24:39,738 --> 01:24:42,772 So not only do you not have to keep a guy hostage, 2039 01:24:42,774 --> 01:24:46,543 which is a pretty shitty thing to do. 2040 01:24:46,545 --> 01:24:48,344 I mean, I've done it myself. 2041 01:24:48,346 --> 01:24:50,415 Don't tell anybody, super classified. 2042 01:24:51,416 --> 01:24:53,016 It sucks, I hate it. 2043 01:24:53,018 --> 01:24:58,321 Yeah. So, why don't we instead 2044 01:24:58,323 --> 01:25:01,991 save a ton of lives? 2045 01:25:01,993 --> 01:25:05,395 I mean, that's pretty fucking awesome, right? 2046 01:25:05,397 --> 01:25:06,998 I think this is a really good idea. 2047 01:25:10,469 --> 01:25:11,636 What do you say? 2048 01:25:14,372 --> 01:25:15,807 Ma'am. 2049 01:25:20,679 --> 01:25:22,879 Hostage saved, motherfuckers! 2050 01:25:22,881 --> 01:25:25,615 - Yeah, yeah! - (BOTH CHEERING) 2051 01:25:25,617 --> 01:25:28,585 - She did it! She did it! - She did it! 2052 01:25:28,587 --> 01:25:31,321 I'm here with Secretary of State Charlotte Field. 2053 01:25:31,323 --> 01:25:33,757 Who, after a tense and complicated negotiation 2054 01:25:33,759 --> 01:25:35,692 with Kashtar, has secured the release 2055 01:25:35,694 --> 01:25:38,728 of the pilot of the U.S. spy plane that went down 2056 01:25:38,730 --> 01:25:40,864 over Kashtari airspace. 2057 01:25:40,866 --> 01:25:42,932 I know, right. (SOFTLY) Crazy. 2058 01:25:42,934 --> 01:25:44,001 REPORTER: And this is all in the midst 2059 01:25:44,003 --> 01:25:46,603 of the success of your environmental initiative, 2060 01:25:46,605 --> 01:25:50,040 which I understand has secured the support of 100 countries. 2061 01:25:50,042 --> 01:25:51,608 - CHARLOTTE: Yes, um... - Ooh, sore subject. 2062 01:25:51,610 --> 01:25:53,343 I'm very happy to announce that 2063 01:25:53,345 --> 01:25:56,080 not only do I have the support of those 100 countries, 2064 01:25:56,082 --> 01:25:58,782 but the president himself called me personally 2065 01:25:58,784 --> 01:26:00,885 just to tell me how psyched he is about this initiative... 2066 01:26:00,887 --> 01:26:03,854 - Did he call? Did he call? - That didn't happen. 2067 01:26:03,856 --> 01:26:05,089 ...don't change a word, 2068 01:26:05,091 --> 01:26:08,025 especially the part, uh, with the trees. 2069 01:26:08,027 --> 01:26:09,659 - That's a lie. - CHARLOTTE: So, all in all, 2070 01:26:09,661 --> 01:26:10,760 I'm just... Well, 2071 01:26:10,762 --> 01:26:13,696 I kinda feel like I'm just kinda crushing it right now. 2072 01:26:13,698 --> 01:26:16,002 Thank you so much. So... Thank you. 2073 01:26:16,701 --> 01:26:17,768 Thank you. 2074 01:26:17,770 --> 01:26:20,104 The incredible Charlotte Field. 2075 01:26:20,106 --> 01:26:22,438 Who clearly still feels the effects 2076 01:26:22,440 --> 01:26:25,743 of the intense all-night hostage situation. (CHUCKLES) 2077 01:26:25,745 --> 01:26:27,980 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) 2078 01:26:38,057 --> 01:26:40,925 After negotiating the release of Lieutenant Gary Smith... 2079 01:26:40,927 --> 01:26:42,860 Charlotte Field's popularity continues to skyrocket... 2080 01:26:42,862 --> 01:26:44,594 In the newest Gallup poll, 68%... 2081 01:26:44,596 --> 01:26:47,898 ...are women mentally unfit to hold the presidency? 2082 01:26:47,900 --> 01:26:49,733 Here to chat about it is Chris Brown, 2083 01:26:49,735 --> 01:26:52,102 Jeremy Piven, and Brett Ratner. 2084 01:26:52,104 --> 01:26:54,905 In the wake of her successful hostage negotiation, 2085 01:26:54,907 --> 01:26:57,107 Charlotte Field's poll numbers keep going up. 2086 01:26:57,109 --> 01:26:58,474 MALE REPORTER: I'd like to apologize 2087 01:26:58,476 --> 01:26:59,710 to Charlotte, and anyone out there 2088 01:26:59,712 --> 01:27:02,949 who was upset yesterday when I called her Booby-McBoobson. 2089 01:27:04,750 --> 01:27:05,952 Give me the president's office. 2090 01:27:06,819 --> 01:27:08,886 - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Yep? 2091 01:27:08,888 --> 01:27:10,521 MAGGIE: Can I talk to you for a second? 2092 01:27:10,523 --> 01:27:12,022 Of course. 2093 01:27:12,024 --> 01:27:13,991 We got some new polling that I thought I'd share with you. 2094 01:27:13,993 --> 01:27:15,125 All right. 2095 01:27:15,127 --> 01:27:16,694 MAGGIE: It feels like everything 2096 01:27:16,696 --> 01:27:17,928 is kinda falling into place for us. 2097 01:27:17,930 --> 01:27:19,563 So we thought we'd dig a little deeper 2098 01:27:19,565 --> 01:27:20,965 and make sure there are no surprises. 2099 01:27:20,967 --> 01:27:22,700 - Why are you acting so weird? - It's good. 2100 01:27:22,702 --> 01:27:24,604 We got some really helpful feedback. 2101 01:27:25,838 --> 01:27:27,571 From the public. 2102 01:27:27,573 --> 01:27:30,841 So we asked a thousand constituents 2103 01:27:30,843 --> 01:27:32,576 how they would feel 2104 01:27:32,578 --> 01:27:35,646 - if, say, Princess Di... - CHARLOTTE: Hmm. 2105 01:27:35,648 --> 01:27:37,016 ...if she were to start dating 2106 01:27:37,917 --> 01:27:38,918 Guy Fieri. 2107 01:27:40,620 --> 01:27:42,519 I don't even know who that is. 2108 01:27:42,521 --> 01:27:44,021 MAGGIE: They don't like that. 2109 01:27:44,023 --> 01:27:46,624 - CHARLOTTE: Yeah. - MAGGIE: Or Kate Middleton 2110 01:27:46,626 --> 01:27:48,826 were to start dating Danny DeVito. 2111 01:27:48,828 --> 01:27:49,927 I see where you're going with this. 2112 01:27:49,929 --> 01:27:51,228 Pretty negative reaction. 2113 01:27:51,230 --> 01:27:53,898 Or if Jennifer Lawrence 2114 01:27:53,900 --> 01:27:57,069 were to start dating this potato in a teal windbreaker. 2115 01:27:58,137 --> 01:28:00,037 They would be very upset. 2116 01:28:00,039 --> 01:28:01,538 You did a lot of work, 2117 01:28:01,540 --> 01:28:03,507 - and I... - Well, but, can I just finish? 2118 01:28:03,509 --> 01:28:05,743 No, that's, like, a lot of... I get it. 2119 01:28:05,745 --> 01:28:07,645 Madam Secretary. I have no desire 2120 01:28:07,647 --> 01:28:09,680 - to limit your romantic life. - Good. 2121 01:28:09,682 --> 01:28:12,516 But the optics of you and Fred 2122 01:28:12,518 --> 01:28:14,985 will make a presidential run very challenging. 2123 01:28:14,987 --> 01:28:16,221 Fred is a journalist. 2124 01:28:16,223 --> 01:28:18,555 Who's written some extremely fucked-up stuff. 2125 01:28:18,557 --> 01:28:21,560 No. That's exposed some really fucked-up stuff. 2126 01:28:22,695 --> 01:28:24,929 And I just want to know for myself, 2127 01:28:24,931 --> 01:28:27,932 you're comfortable with putting everything on the line for a hookup? 2128 01:28:27,934 --> 01:28:29,667 Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING) 2129 01:28:29,669 --> 01:28:30,834 Why are we having this conversation? 2130 01:28:30,836 --> 01:28:32,170 This is insane. 2131 01:28:32,172 --> 01:28:35,072 I don't have to explain myself to you. 2132 01:28:35,074 --> 01:28:36,807 I'm sorry. I really don't understand this. 2133 01:28:36,809 --> 01:28:38,209 And I fucking love you, Charlotte. 2134 01:28:38,211 --> 01:28:39,210 I want you to be happy. 2135 01:28:39,212 --> 01:28:40,811 But more than that, I want you to be in charge. 2136 01:28:40,813 --> 01:28:42,746 And I want you to be president. 2137 01:28:42,748 --> 01:28:44,884 For the sake of the future of our country. 2138 01:28:48,888 --> 01:28:50,556 Look, there's another option. 2139 01:28:51,924 --> 01:28:53,224 There's a guy who works for the Secret Service 2140 01:28:53,226 --> 01:28:57,295 whose job it is to handle the mistresses... 2141 01:28:57,297 --> 01:28:58,862 Maggie. You're gonna have to stop. 2142 01:28:58,864 --> 01:29:01,099 And there are a series of tunnels in the White House 2143 01:29:01,101 --> 01:29:02,702 - that Woodrow Wilson... - That's enough. 2144 01:29:04,972 --> 01:29:06,704 Fred is not an idea 2145 01:29:06,706 --> 01:29:09,140 that I'm floating by you for your approval. 2146 01:29:09,142 --> 01:29:11,178 And you're getting very close to crossing a line. 2147 01:29:16,917 --> 01:29:18,216 Okay. Got it. 2148 01:29:18,218 --> 01:29:19,652 Goodnight, Madam Secretary. 2149 01:29:21,121 --> 01:29:23,123 (INDISTINCT TV CHATTER) 2150 01:29:25,591 --> 01:29:27,691 When I grow up, I want to be Charlotte Field. 2151 01:29:27,693 --> 01:29:29,060 Because she's smart and pretty 2152 01:29:29,062 --> 01:29:30,694 and she's going to be president. 2153 01:29:30,696 --> 01:29:32,665 (SIGHS) 2154 01:29:34,001 --> 01:29:35,534 (BUZZER BUZZES) 2155 01:29:38,939 --> 01:29:41,773 I will be that little girl's president. 2156 01:29:41,775 --> 01:29:45,010 Thank you, and God bless America. 2157 01:29:45,012 --> 01:29:48,179 MAGGIE: Massive applause. Massive cheering. 2158 01:29:48,181 --> 01:29:50,315 At that point, I think the stage would descend, 2159 01:29:50,317 --> 01:29:54,119 right, and then Lil Uzi Vert or Charli XCX 2160 01:29:54,121 --> 01:29:56,587 would join hands with the Harlem Boys Choir... 2161 01:29:56,589 --> 01:29:58,256 Well, I said we'll figure that out later. 2162 01:29:58,258 --> 01:30:00,158 (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) 2163 01:30:00,160 --> 01:30:01,693 Uh, Madam Secretary, 2164 01:30:01,695 --> 01:30:03,495 the president would like to see you right now. 2165 01:30:03,797 --> 01:30:04,931 Shit. 2166 01:30:05,966 --> 01:30:07,032 Damn it! 2167 01:30:07,034 --> 01:30:08,301 The nation is at war! 2168 01:30:09,202 --> 01:30:10,402 I find myself torn. 2169 01:30:10,404 --> 01:30:15,006 Torn between my personal love and my love of country... 2170 01:30:15,008 --> 01:30:16,674 Sir, is this a good time? 2171 01:30:16,676 --> 01:30:19,711 Oh, hi, Charlotte. No, I'm just running lines. 2172 01:30:19,713 --> 01:30:20,745 - Oh. - CHAMBERS: All right. 2173 01:30:20,747 --> 01:30:22,707 Clear the room. Everybody, just Charlotte, please. 2174 01:30:23,950 --> 01:30:25,984 (INAUDIBLE) 2175 01:30:25,986 --> 01:30:26,987 Thanks. 2176 01:30:27,854 --> 01:30:29,089 (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) 2177 01:30:30,290 --> 01:30:31,925 Is everything okay, sir? 2178 01:30:32,993 --> 01:30:35,195 PARKER: Oh, look who it is. 2179 01:30:35,929 --> 01:30:38,730 She's here at last. 2180 01:30:38,732 --> 01:30:41,166 You gotta love that secret door. Sit down. 2181 01:30:41,168 --> 01:30:42,569 (DOOR CLOSES) 2182 01:30:44,104 --> 01:30:45,637 (SIGHS) 2183 01:30:45,639 --> 01:30:47,138 This feels like an ambush. 2184 01:30:47,140 --> 01:30:49,174 Well, in the entertainment world, 2185 01:30:49,176 --> 01:30:51,342 we call this a surprise walk-on. 2186 01:30:51,344 --> 01:30:52,777 You see, Charlotte, 2187 01:30:52,779 --> 01:30:55,346 we have a number of business interests 2188 01:30:55,348 --> 01:30:58,216 and that, you know, may be gravely affected 2189 01:30:58,218 --> 01:31:00,185 by this agreement of yours. 2190 01:31:00,187 --> 01:31:02,687 Yeah. Uh, aside from getting into film, 2191 01:31:02,689 --> 01:31:05,323 I'm looking to use my connections as president 2192 01:31:05,325 --> 01:31:07,359 to expand my investment portfolio. 2193 01:31:07,361 --> 01:31:10,028 Sort of like an Ashton Kutcher type thing, you know. 2194 01:31:10,030 --> 01:31:12,964 I mean, that guy is killing with acting and investing... 2195 01:31:12,966 --> 01:31:15,800 I think what the president is trying to say, 2196 01:31:15,802 --> 01:31:18,703 is that the server farm we want to build in Alaska 2197 01:31:18,705 --> 01:31:22,140 is sitting on 10 miles of land which will now be 2198 01:31:22,142 --> 01:31:24,044 protected by your initiative. 2199 01:31:24,845 --> 01:31:26,111 Move your server farm. 2200 01:31:26,113 --> 01:31:27,979 PARKER: We want to build it in Alaska. 2201 01:31:27,981 --> 01:31:29,747 There's plenty of room for expansion. 2202 01:31:29,749 --> 01:31:32,717 Charlotte. I'm surprised that it's come to this. 2203 01:31:32,719 --> 01:31:34,420 You're usually so agreeable. 2204 01:31:34,422 --> 01:31:36,855 But I watched you undermine me 2205 01:31:36,857 --> 01:31:38,890 on TV the other day. 2206 01:31:38,892 --> 01:31:40,959 TV of all places. 2207 01:31:40,961 --> 01:31:42,994 That's my medium. All right? 2208 01:31:42,996 --> 01:31:46,698 You used TV against me! 2209 01:31:46,700 --> 01:31:49,168 That was your first mistake. 2210 01:31:49,170 --> 01:31:52,104 Look, I'm about to give you the easiest ultimatum 2211 01:31:52,106 --> 01:31:54,175 that you're ever, ever gonna receive. 2212 01:31:55,976 --> 01:31:57,709 Drop the tree thing. 2213 01:31:57,711 --> 01:32:00,146 - Or? - PARKER: Or... 2214 01:32:00,148 --> 01:32:06,152 We will release the content of your friend's hard drive. 2215 01:32:06,154 --> 01:32:08,887 We found a lot of interesting stuff 2216 01:32:08,889 --> 01:32:10,489 when we hacked into his webcam. 2217 01:32:10,491 --> 01:32:12,759 Now here is a little taster. 2218 01:32:15,962 --> 01:32:19,064 Yo, Charlotte, it's Fred. 2219 01:32:19,066 --> 01:32:20,899 Uh, you want to come to my room 2220 01:32:20,901 --> 01:32:23,068 and have sex with me really fast? 2221 01:32:23,070 --> 01:32:26,172 Oh no, don't worry. I'll find ways to kill time today. 2222 01:32:26,174 --> 01:32:27,973 It's cool. Just let me know when you're back. 2223 01:32:27,975 --> 01:32:29,043 Great. 2224 01:32:30,178 --> 01:32:31,377 (HANGS UP PHONE) 2225 01:32:31,379 --> 01:32:33,445 (FORWARDING) 2226 01:32:33,447 --> 01:32:35,214 CHARLOTTE: (ON VIDEO) ...important to me. 2227 01:32:35,216 --> 01:32:37,849 That's a good speech. 2228 01:32:37,851 --> 01:32:39,851 CHARLOTTE: The band of misfits fight back... 2229 01:32:39,853 --> 01:32:41,755 - Nice dress. - ...against the bullies. 2230 01:32:43,090 --> 01:32:44,290 Never giving up. 2231 01:32:44,292 --> 01:32:45,424 Never laying down. 2232 01:32:45,426 --> 01:32:46,961 (FORWARDING) 2233 01:32:48,496 --> 01:32:49,995 CHARLOTTE: In high school, 2234 01:32:49,997 --> 01:32:51,477 I would talk about the underdog a lot. 2235 01:32:53,534 --> 01:32:56,268 And I would often find myself on a soapbox 2236 01:32:56,270 --> 01:32:59,004 rambling on and on about the injustices 2237 01:32:59,006 --> 01:33:00,174 of the world. 2238 01:33:02,343 --> 01:33:04,076 Which makes you extremely popular... 2239 01:33:04,078 --> 01:33:05,811 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 2240 01:33:05,813 --> 01:33:07,379 ...especially when everybody would rather be watching 2241 01:33:07,381 --> 01:33:09,148 Beverly Hills, 90210. 2242 01:33:09,150 --> 01:33:11,116 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 2243 01:33:11,118 --> 01:33:12,987 (CHARLOTTE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 2244 01:33:16,991 --> 01:33:18,991 Oh, wow. 2245 01:33:18,993 --> 01:33:21,128 (CHARLOTTE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 2246 01:33:23,998 --> 01:33:25,800 Oh, boy! 2247 01:33:28,836 --> 01:33:31,437 Oh, no... 2248 01:33:31,439 --> 01:33:32,905 Yucky. 2249 01:33:32,907 --> 01:33:35,207 (CHARLOTTE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON VIDEO) 2250 01:33:35,209 --> 01:33:36,275 FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, boy! 2251 01:33:36,277 --> 01:33:37,979 What the fuck? 2252 01:33:39,313 --> 01:33:44,283 Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this happened. 2253 01:33:44,285 --> 01:33:46,018 - You don't have to be sorry. - What do we do? 2254 01:33:46,020 --> 01:33:48,020 This is what everyone was afraid was gonna happen, 2255 01:33:48,022 --> 01:33:49,088 because of me. 2256 01:33:49,090 --> 01:33:50,523 And now it's happening because of me. 2257 01:33:50,525 --> 01:33:51,824 - Do I get a publicist? - No. 2258 01:33:51,826 --> 01:33:53,058 - Do I do a publicity tour? - Stop. 2259 01:33:53,060 --> 01:33:54,226 Do we have a press conference? 2260 01:33:54,228 --> 01:33:57,198 Fred, listen to me. I took the deal. 2261 01:33:58,833 --> 01:33:59,898 What? 2262 01:33:59,900 --> 01:34:01,233 We scratched the tree thing 2263 01:34:01,235 --> 01:34:03,836 and I have a real shot at becoming president. 2264 01:34:03,838 --> 01:34:08,941 And some billionaire motherfucker 2265 01:34:08,943 --> 01:34:12,878 gets to blackmail you? Using me? 2266 01:34:12,880 --> 01:34:15,147 Doing something that everybody does? 2267 01:34:15,149 --> 01:34:17,149 Out of a policy that you cared about, 2268 01:34:17,151 --> 01:34:18,618 since you were in middle school. 2269 01:34:18,620 --> 01:34:20,352 Since I've known you, you've cared about this. 2270 01:34:20,354 --> 01:34:21,954 And now you're just gonna get rid of it? 2271 01:34:21,956 --> 01:34:26,158 I'm trying to compromise here for a bigger goal. 2272 01:34:26,160 --> 01:34:27,293 Well, I don't think you should right now. 2273 01:34:27,295 --> 01:34:28,395 Oh, my God! 2274 01:34:28,397 --> 01:34:29,995 Of course you don't think I should. 2275 01:34:29,997 --> 01:34:31,997 You never compromise for anything in your life, 2276 01:34:31,999 --> 01:34:33,633 which gives you the perfect excuse to fail. 2277 01:34:33,635 --> 01:34:36,536 Well, it's better than maybe bending over backwards 2278 01:34:36,538 --> 01:34:38,003 for anyone who asked, 2279 01:34:38,005 --> 01:34:39,439 to the point that you don't even know 2280 01:34:39,441 --> 01:34:41,040 why the fuck you're doing this shit anymore! 2281 01:34:41,042 --> 01:34:42,642 In my world, in order to achieve 2282 01:34:42,644 --> 01:34:44,577 what I'm trying to achieve, I have to compromise. 2283 01:34:44,579 --> 01:34:45,645 Oh, why, because you're a woman? 2284 01:34:45,647 --> 01:34:47,046 Yeah, motherfucker. 2285 01:34:47,048 --> 01:34:48,281 Okay, that makes sense. 2286 01:34:48,283 --> 01:34:50,883 And because I'm not giving up everything I've ever wanted 2287 01:34:50,885 --> 01:34:53,185 just because it doesn't live up to your moral code. 2288 01:34:53,187 --> 01:34:55,455 I don't care if this tape comes out. I really don't. 2289 01:34:55,457 --> 01:34:57,490 - Oh, my God, Fred. - I'll be okay. 2290 01:34:57,492 --> 01:34:59,361 You don't have to do this for me. 2291 01:35:01,396 --> 01:35:03,265 You're not doing this for me. 2292 01:35:04,466 --> 01:35:05,998 (SCOFFS) Obviously. 2293 01:35:06,000 --> 01:35:09,935 Look, you and I both know 2294 01:35:09,937 --> 01:35:11,904 the woman who stands beside the guy 2295 01:35:11,906 --> 01:35:14,240 that's coming on his face gets way more scrutiny 2296 01:35:14,242 --> 01:35:17,243 than the guy who's actually coming on his face. 2297 01:35:17,245 --> 01:35:19,011 Don't know if that's happened enough 2298 01:35:19,013 --> 01:35:20,580 for there to be, like, a precedent for it. 2299 01:35:20,582 --> 01:35:23,283 So, who knows? Maybe that won't be the case this time. 2300 01:35:23,285 --> 01:35:25,085 Who knows? Maybe people will think it's romantic. 2301 01:35:25,087 --> 01:35:26,619 I'm jerking... I'm jerking off to you. 2302 01:35:26,621 --> 01:35:28,254 You don't know how people are gonna react. 2303 01:35:28,256 --> 01:35:30,258 I'm not taking that risk. 2304 01:35:31,426 --> 01:35:32,927 (SIGHS) 2305 01:35:34,229 --> 01:35:35,297 I can't do it. 2306 01:35:36,698 --> 01:35:38,166 Okay. 2307 01:35:44,239 --> 01:35:48,110 So the video doesn't come out, what happens to us? 2308 01:35:53,448 --> 01:35:57,617 I was talking to Maggie, and she knows 2309 01:35:57,619 --> 01:36:00,086 this consultant who could scrub your history. 2310 01:36:00,088 --> 01:36:01,621 We could make sure nothing else like this 2311 01:36:01,623 --> 01:36:03,992 pops up and surprises us. 2312 01:36:04,526 --> 01:36:05,692 And then we just... 2313 01:36:05,694 --> 01:36:07,127 We work on your image, 2314 01:36:07,129 --> 01:36:09,062 and we figure out how we want to 2315 01:36:09,064 --> 01:36:11,531 present ourselves as a couple to the public. 2316 01:36:11,533 --> 01:36:12,667 That's all. 2317 01:36:17,973 --> 01:36:20,106 - Okay. - Okay. 2318 01:36:20,108 --> 01:36:21,274 How long... How long will it take, 2319 01:36:21,276 --> 01:36:24,244 do you think, to create 2320 01:36:24,246 --> 01:36:27,147 an image of me that we can present to the public? 2321 01:36:27,149 --> 01:36:30,718 Just through the first couple months of the campaign. 2322 01:36:30,720 --> 01:36:33,286 You think? But you don't know that, right? 2323 01:36:33,288 --> 01:36:34,587 It could take longer than that. 2324 01:36:34,589 --> 01:36:36,990 In a couple of months, you could find that it's not a good moment 2325 01:36:36,992 --> 01:36:39,526 to introduce a new boyfriend, right? 2326 01:36:39,528 --> 01:36:41,729 And then we'd have to wait a couple more months. 2327 01:36:41,731 --> 01:36:44,332 I don't know how long it's gonna take, Fred. 2328 01:36:45,200 --> 01:36:47,467 And then meanwhile, 2329 01:36:47,469 --> 01:36:49,371 you're pretending not to date me. 2330 01:36:50,539 --> 01:36:53,406 And you're scrubbing my Internet history? 2331 01:36:53,408 --> 01:36:55,175 So my articles are gone. 2332 01:36:55,177 --> 01:36:57,110 And you, like, sneak me around 2333 01:36:57,112 --> 01:36:59,078 like I'm Marilyn Monroe and you're JFK? 2334 01:36:59,080 --> 01:37:00,246 Is that what we're talking about? 2335 01:37:00,248 --> 01:37:03,383 I just want to be clear, that's what we're talking about. 2336 01:37:03,385 --> 01:37:05,721 And we have to do that because I'm... 2337 01:37:07,255 --> 01:37:08,423 ...not right. 2338 01:37:10,258 --> 01:37:13,026 And then once we present us to the world, 2339 01:37:13,028 --> 01:37:17,567 we present a version of me that isn't... actually me? 2340 01:37:21,269 --> 01:37:22,337 Yeah. 2341 01:37:25,675 --> 01:37:26,742 (FRED SIGHS) 2342 01:37:31,714 --> 01:37:33,148 I can't do it. 2343 01:37:35,283 --> 01:37:37,384 I wish 2344 01:37:37,386 --> 01:37:40,490 that I was the type of person that could, but I can't. 2345 01:37:49,665 --> 01:37:51,266 You don't have to do it. 2346 01:38:12,388 --> 01:38:14,388 FRED: Don't know what the fuck I was thinking. 2347 01:38:14,390 --> 01:38:18,325 Why the fuck I thought someone like her 2348 01:38:18,327 --> 01:38:20,159 and someone like me could work? 2349 01:38:20,161 --> 01:38:23,297 She's a fucking politician. Like, I don't even know her. 2350 01:38:23,299 --> 01:38:25,866 Like, I don't know who she is. 2351 01:38:25,868 --> 01:38:28,836 She has no moral compass. 2352 01:38:28,838 --> 01:38:31,505 She's working with fucking Democrats one day, 2353 01:38:31,507 --> 01:38:33,140 Republicans the next fucking day. 2354 01:38:33,142 --> 01:38:34,208 I mean, what's wrong with working 2355 01:38:34,210 --> 01:38:35,576 with Democrats and Republicans? 2356 01:38:35,578 --> 01:38:37,311 That's... That's the whole country. 2357 01:38:37,313 --> 01:38:40,514 Uh, yeah, except fuck Republicans, 2358 01:38:40,516 --> 01:38:42,182 I guess is the problem with that. 2359 01:38:42,184 --> 01:38:45,586 Speaking as an American, shouldn't you see both sides? 2360 01:38:45,588 --> 01:38:48,389 Yeah. I see one side's fucking wrong. 2361 01:38:48,391 --> 01:38:50,891 - (SCOFFS) - What's the problem here? 2362 01:38:50,893 --> 01:38:52,560 I'm a Republican. 2363 01:38:52,562 --> 01:38:54,328 You're fucking joking right now. 2364 01:38:54,330 --> 01:38:57,531 Member of the GOP! Yeah, you know me. 2365 01:38:57,533 --> 01:38:58,866 You're a Republican. 2366 01:38:58,868 --> 01:38:59,767 Yeah, I'm a Republican! 2367 01:38:59,769 --> 01:39:02,236 The shit has worked out so far for me. 2368 01:39:02,238 --> 01:39:03,804 What the fuck, man? 2369 01:39:03,806 --> 01:39:05,339 All that shit you're always saying to me! 2370 01:39:05,341 --> 01:39:06,540 - Yeah. - Pull yourself up 2371 01:39:06,542 --> 01:39:09,209 by your bootstraps. And being in charge of your own destiny. 2372 01:39:09,211 --> 01:39:11,445 - Republican shit. - Oh, and it worked on me. 2373 01:39:11,447 --> 01:39:13,180 And it works on a lot of people. 2374 01:39:13,182 --> 01:39:14,348 Oh, that's fucking sick. 2375 01:39:14,350 --> 01:39:15,449 That's right. 2376 01:39:15,451 --> 01:39:16,817 Ugh! That's gross! 2377 01:39:16,819 --> 01:39:18,752 That Republican shit, you put it in my brain 2378 01:39:18,754 --> 01:39:20,854 and it made me feel good. That's fucked up, man! 2379 01:39:20,856 --> 01:39:22,323 Come on. See, this is what I'm talking about, 2380 01:39:22,325 --> 01:39:23,424 your negative way of thinking. 2381 01:39:23,426 --> 01:39:24,692 I don't even know you! 2382 01:39:24,694 --> 01:39:25,559 - What do you mean? - Ugh! 2383 01:39:25,561 --> 01:39:27,161 I'm the same dude from two minutes ago. 2384 01:39:27,163 --> 01:39:28,228 Your best friend. 2385 01:39:28,230 --> 01:39:29,463 Why'd you never tell me this? 2386 01:39:29,465 --> 01:39:31,599 'Cause I knew you'd act exactly how you're acting right now. 2387 01:39:31,601 --> 01:39:33,267 Wait a minute. 2388 01:39:33,269 --> 01:39:35,769 You're always talking about how, like, the universe has a plan for all of us... 2389 01:39:35,771 --> 01:39:36,737 Take it easy. 2390 01:39:36,739 --> 01:39:38,672 There's someone watching over us at all times. 2391 01:39:38,674 --> 01:39:40,641 - Yeah. - Does that mean... 2392 01:39:40,643 --> 01:39:41,803 I'm a man of Christian faith. 2393 01:39:42,378 --> 01:39:44,411 What the fuck! 2394 01:39:44,413 --> 01:39:45,914 Now, come on now! We pray for you! 2395 01:39:45,916 --> 01:39:47,414 Don't pray for me! Keep it! 2396 01:39:47,416 --> 01:39:49,483 - Lord. - Oh, stop it. Ignore him, God! 2397 01:39:49,485 --> 01:39:51,452 - He doesn't mean that. - Don't pray for me! 2398 01:39:51,454 --> 01:39:52,620 You are trippin' right now. 2399 01:39:52,622 --> 01:39:53,687 I'm not fucking trippin'! How could you be Christian? 2400 01:39:53,689 --> 01:39:58,392 I wear this cross, every day, since you've known me! 2401 01:39:58,394 --> 01:39:59,560 What did you think it was for? 2402 01:39:59,562 --> 01:40:01,963 I thought it was... (SIGHS) 2403 01:40:01,965 --> 01:40:03,530 ...a cultural thing. 2404 01:40:03,532 --> 01:40:05,267 You mean like, 'cause I'm black? 2405 01:40:06,602 --> 01:40:07,738 That's what I thought, yeah. 2406 01:40:08,404 --> 01:40:09,470 That might be. 2407 01:40:09,472 --> 01:40:11,706 But that don't mean what you said ain't racist. 2408 01:40:11,708 --> 01:40:13,775 - You're right. - Yeah, I know I'm right! 2409 01:40:13,777 --> 01:40:15,442 - Fuck. - That's racist as shit! 2410 01:40:15,444 --> 01:40:16,678 All right, dude... 2411 01:40:16,680 --> 01:40:18,545 I love you, man. 2412 01:40:18,547 --> 01:40:21,548 But you're very judgmental. They don't want politics 2413 01:40:21,550 --> 01:40:23,685 to get into this, because you've never really 2414 01:40:23,687 --> 01:40:25,486 been good at looking at shit 2415 01:40:25,488 --> 01:40:27,354 from other people's perspective, Fred. 2416 01:40:27,356 --> 01:40:28,790 - I know. - It might explain 2417 01:40:28,792 --> 01:40:31,526 why you haven't been able to look at this through Charlotte's eyes. 2418 01:40:31,528 --> 01:40:32,594 I'm sorry. 2419 01:40:32,596 --> 01:40:34,529 I'm sorry you couldn't be who you are around me, 2420 01:40:34,531 --> 01:40:36,931 and you had to hide your true self. 2421 01:40:36,933 --> 01:40:38,265 That's really fucked up. 2422 01:40:38,267 --> 01:40:39,333 That's all right, man. 2423 01:40:39,335 --> 01:40:43,270 But my love for the GOP and the G-O-D 2424 01:40:43,272 --> 01:40:45,006 has nothing to do with us. 2425 01:40:45,008 --> 01:40:46,941 I'm racist. You're a Republican. 2426 01:40:46,943 --> 01:40:49,376 I don't know what the fuck's going on. 2427 01:40:49,378 --> 01:40:50,745 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 2428 01:40:50,747 --> 01:40:52,914 JAMES: Polls suggested I should get into yoga, 2429 01:40:52,916 --> 01:40:54,616 which I did and it turns out, 2430 01:40:54,618 --> 01:40:55,917 I don't really like yoga. 2431 01:40:55,919 --> 01:40:59,387 Don't you sometimes just wish you could say, 2432 01:40:59,389 --> 01:41:00,588 "Fuck the polls"? 2433 01:41:00,590 --> 01:41:05,894 Well, polls say that people find my laugh unattractive. 2434 01:41:05,896 --> 01:41:07,696 So I shouldn't laugh in public. 2435 01:41:07,698 --> 01:41:08,830 That was a bit of a bummer, 2436 01:41:08,832 --> 01:41:11,332 because I really, I like to laugh. 2437 01:41:11,334 --> 01:41:12,767 - A lot. - Hmm. 2438 01:41:12,769 --> 01:41:14,903 Um, but we came up with another laugh 2439 01:41:14,905 --> 01:41:16,638 that was better. That's more, uh... 2440 01:41:16,640 --> 01:41:18,473 - Presidential, I guess. - Hmm. 2441 01:41:18,475 --> 01:41:20,008 (LAUGHING) 2442 01:41:20,010 --> 01:41:21,009 That's good. 2443 01:41:21,011 --> 01:41:22,644 It's a lot of teeth and not too much sound. 2444 01:41:22,646 --> 01:41:25,313 - Yeah. - (SLURPS) Mmm. 2445 01:41:25,315 --> 01:41:27,482 So, um, after dinner, 2446 01:41:27,484 --> 01:41:29,050 how about we go for a drink somewhere? 2447 01:41:29,052 --> 01:41:30,318 Ooh. 2448 01:41:30,320 --> 01:41:33,488 I know this great little place that's not too far from here. 2449 01:41:33,490 --> 01:41:35,824 It's called Mini Bar. 2450 01:41:35,826 --> 01:41:40,028 It's quite exclusive, you need a little key to access it. 2451 01:41:40,030 --> 01:41:44,332 And you get charged as you remove the bottle. 2452 01:41:44,334 --> 01:41:45,934 - Hmm. - It's actually more of 2453 01:41:45,936 --> 01:41:47,669 a small fridge than a bar. 2454 01:41:47,671 --> 01:41:49,537 - And it's in my room... - No, I get it. 2455 01:41:49,539 --> 01:41:50,972 I'm inviting you back to my room. 2456 01:41:50,974 --> 01:41:53,643 - I... - (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) 2457 01:41:55,645 --> 01:41:57,712 - That was my real laugh. - Mmm! 2458 01:41:57,714 --> 01:41:58,847 - (CHUCKLING) - I don't know why 2459 01:41:58,849 --> 01:42:01,251 they told you not to use that laugh. 2460 01:42:02,652 --> 01:42:03,787 - It's... - (SLURPS LOUDLY) 2461 01:42:10,594 --> 01:42:12,494 Big day tomorrow, Madam Secretary. 2462 01:42:12,496 --> 01:42:14,863 (CAR RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 2463 01:42:14,865 --> 01:42:16,733 Yeah. Big day. 2464 01:42:35,519 --> 01:42:36,751 (SIGHS) 2465 01:42:36,753 --> 01:42:39,056 Okay. "Hey, it's Fred." 2466 01:42:48,065 --> 01:42:49,934 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 2467 01:43:02,479 --> 01:43:03,547 Hello? 2468 01:43:05,149 --> 01:43:06,749 Beep. 2469 01:43:06,751 --> 01:43:09,086 Oh, uh, guess I got your voicemail. Um, hi. 2470 01:43:09,921 --> 01:43:12,154 It's Fred. 2471 01:43:12,156 --> 01:43:15,623 I guess I wanna start by saying I'm really sorry. 2472 01:43:15,625 --> 01:43:17,726 You were right about everything 2473 01:43:17,728 --> 01:43:19,831 and I was wrong about everything. 2474 01:43:21,531 --> 01:43:25,901 And we should go along with the plan. 2475 01:43:25,903 --> 01:43:29,539 I can be Marilyn. I can be your Marilyn. 2476 01:43:30,507 --> 01:43:32,007 I'd rather be your Lady Bird, 2477 01:43:32,009 --> 01:43:35,613 because, you know, LBJ put a ring on that finger. 2478 01:43:36,113 --> 01:43:37,545 (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 2479 01:43:37,547 --> 01:43:40,950 But I would do anything to continue, 2480 01:43:40,952 --> 01:43:42,653 to be able to be with you. 2481 01:43:46,489 --> 01:43:47,658 Okay, bye. 2482 01:43:59,537 --> 01:44:00,617 (KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS) 2483 01:44:02,006 --> 01:44:03,739 So, we're losing the trees, huh? 2484 01:44:03,741 --> 01:44:06,675 Yeah. POTUS talked me out of it. 2485 01:44:06,677 --> 01:44:08,944 I know that meant a lot to you. I'm so sorry. 2486 01:44:08,946 --> 01:44:10,813 Hmm, nothing we can do about it. 2487 01:44:10,815 --> 01:44:12,214 We need his endorsement. 2488 01:44:12,216 --> 01:44:14,552 - Yep. - Yep. 2489 01:44:17,221 --> 01:44:19,657 And I am sorry about you and Fred. 2490 01:44:22,793 --> 01:44:25,961 You know, he called last night. 2491 01:44:25,963 --> 01:44:28,097 He said he'd do it, he'd go along with the plan. 2492 01:44:28,099 --> 01:44:31,500 (EXHALES) Really? Wow. 2493 01:44:31,502 --> 01:44:33,604 That's a shock. 2494 01:44:35,039 --> 01:44:38,774 Um... Okay. 2495 01:44:38,776 --> 01:44:40,175 I'll... I'll start to make arrangements. 2496 01:44:40,177 --> 01:44:41,178 No, Maggie. 2497 01:44:42,046 --> 01:44:43,646 There's nothing to do. 2498 01:44:43,648 --> 01:44:45,616 At the end of the day, it was never gonna work. 2499 01:44:48,519 --> 01:44:51,687 Well, today is such a good day, 2500 01:44:51,689 --> 01:44:53,656 and I am so excited. 2501 01:44:53,658 --> 01:44:55,124 We should be psyched. 2502 01:44:55,126 --> 01:44:57,726 So psyched. (CHUCKLES) 2503 01:44:57,728 --> 01:44:59,862 All right, I will see you out there. 2504 01:44:59,864 --> 01:45:00,932 All right. 2505 01:45:20,118 --> 01:45:21,485 LANCE: Hey, man. 2506 01:45:22,154 --> 01:45:23,221 Can I get a beer? 2507 01:45:24,822 --> 01:45:27,990 - Thanks for coming. - No problem, bro. 2508 01:45:27,992 --> 01:45:30,626 How you feelin' though? 2509 01:45:30,628 --> 01:45:32,661 (EXHALES) Okay, you know, you were right. 2510 01:45:32,663 --> 01:45:33,862 I called her. 2511 01:45:33,864 --> 01:45:35,698 I left a message. She didn't call me back. 2512 01:45:35,700 --> 01:45:37,733 So... Whatever. 2513 01:45:37,735 --> 01:45:39,071 Sure you wanna watch this? 2514 01:45:40,038 --> 01:45:41,472 Yeah, I have to. 2515 01:45:43,741 --> 01:45:46,309 Madam Secretary, I'd like to introduce you 2516 01:45:46,311 --> 01:45:47,243 to Lil Yachty. 2517 01:45:47,245 --> 01:45:49,145 He's going to be performing after the speech. 2518 01:45:49,147 --> 01:45:50,679 Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Yachty. 2519 01:45:50,681 --> 01:45:53,016 I'm a big-ass fan. I'm so excited to vote for you. 2520 01:45:53,018 --> 01:45:55,087 - I'm sorry, it's game time. - (CLEARS THROAT) Okay. 2521 01:45:57,555 --> 01:45:59,590 - (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) - (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2522 01:46:07,165 --> 01:46:09,067 (CHEERING CONTINUES ON TV) 2523 01:46:13,138 --> 01:46:14,838 Good morning! 2524 01:46:14,840 --> 01:46:17,809 Thank you, everyone, for being here with me today. 2525 01:46:19,077 --> 01:46:20,676 Let me start by saying something 2526 01:46:20,678 --> 01:46:23,046 I haven't said since I was 16 2527 01:46:23,048 --> 01:46:25,115 and worked at Blockbuster Video. 2528 01:46:25,117 --> 01:46:27,019 (LAUGHTER) 2529 01:46:27,352 --> 01:46:28,650 I quit... 2530 01:46:28,652 --> 01:46:30,787 - (CHUCKLES) - I helped write that joke. 2531 01:46:30,789 --> 01:46:31,988 Oh, yeah? That's a good joke. 2532 01:46:31,990 --> 01:46:34,090 ...as secretary of state, 2533 01:46:34,092 --> 01:46:35,725 in order to run 2534 01:46:35,727 --> 01:46:38,895 for president of the United States of America. 2535 01:46:38,897 --> 01:46:40,832 (ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 2536 01:46:42,100 --> 01:46:44,036 (CHUCKLING) God bless. 2537 01:46:46,872 --> 01:46:49,372 And I'm honored 2538 01:46:49,374 --> 01:46:53,109 to have the full support of President Chambers, 2539 01:46:53,111 --> 01:46:55,812 a man I greatly admire. 2540 01:46:55,814 --> 01:46:59,182 A man who is an extraordinary leader. 2541 01:46:59,184 --> 01:47:01,053 Man, you know who you should date? 2542 01:47:02,254 --> 01:47:03,789 Taylor Swift. 2543 01:47:04,956 --> 01:47:06,956 Hell, yeah. I could see that. 2544 01:47:06,958 --> 01:47:10,894 Why... Why do you think I could date Taylor Swift? 2545 01:47:10,896 --> 01:47:12,695 Fred, you were dating Charlotte Field. 2546 01:47:12,697 --> 01:47:14,197 That's the most powerful woman on Earth! 2547 01:47:14,199 --> 01:47:15,732 Oh, I get it. 2548 01:47:15,734 --> 01:47:17,836 I don't know what me and Taylor Swift have in common. 2549 01:47:19,071 --> 01:47:23,006 Y'all white. Ya ain't got a care in the world. 2550 01:47:23,008 --> 01:47:24,240 That's true. 2551 01:47:24,242 --> 01:47:26,211 But this campaign is not about me. 2552 01:47:26,912 --> 01:47:28,745 It's about you. 2553 01:47:28,747 --> 01:47:29,979 It's about us. 2554 01:47:29,981 --> 01:47:31,181 (WOMAN WHOOPS) 2555 01:47:31,183 --> 01:47:32,782 It's about how together, 2556 01:47:32,784 --> 01:47:36,853 we can build the future our fellow Americans deserve. 2557 01:47:36,855 --> 01:47:38,590 (ALL CHEERING) 2558 01:47:39,958 --> 01:47:42,926 I have dreamt about this moment 2559 01:47:42,928 --> 01:47:45,161 (EXHALES) ever since I was a little girl 2560 01:47:45,163 --> 01:47:47,265 growing up in the nation's capital. 2561 01:47:49,901 --> 01:47:53,437 And I know that if that young girl 2562 01:47:53,439 --> 01:47:56,908 could see me standing up here right now... 2563 01:47:59,744 --> 01:48:00,912 (SIGHS) 2564 01:48:02,214 --> 01:48:04,883 She would be so... 2565 01:48:06,985 --> 01:48:08,118 (CLICKS TONGUE) 2566 01:48:08,120 --> 01:48:09,821 She would be... 2567 01:48:16,262 --> 01:48:17,396 What's happening? 2568 01:48:18,997 --> 01:48:22,634 She... She would be so disappointed in me, actually. 2569 01:48:24,337 --> 01:48:27,871 Yeah, the truth is, that girl 2570 01:48:27,873 --> 01:48:29,072 would want me to be honest 2571 01:48:29,074 --> 01:48:31,741 and have integrity and not be 2572 01:48:31,743 --> 01:48:35,148 blackmailed by evil people with evil agendas. 2573 01:48:37,383 --> 01:48:39,216 So instead, I'm just gonna... 2574 01:48:39,218 --> 01:48:42,353 I'm just gonna tell the truth, and whatever happens, happens. 2575 01:48:42,355 --> 01:48:44,321 - So here we go. - (FEEDBACK ON MIC) 2576 01:48:44,323 --> 01:48:47,991 Parker Wembley and our dumb-fuck president... 2577 01:48:47,993 --> 01:48:49,293 Whoo! 2578 01:48:49,295 --> 01:48:50,494 ...are doing some evil shit together. 2579 01:48:50,496 --> 01:48:52,229 And because I just told you now, 2580 01:48:52,231 --> 01:48:55,832 they're going to release a video of a guy I dated 2581 01:48:55,834 --> 01:48:58,169 jerking off all over himself. 2582 01:48:58,171 --> 01:48:59,170 Release the video. 2583 01:48:59,172 --> 01:49:01,238 Get the fucking thing online. Get it online! 2584 01:49:01,240 --> 01:49:03,742 But don't slut shame me. I... 2585 01:49:05,044 --> 01:49:06,112 I like him. 2586 01:49:06,845 --> 01:49:08,412 I like him a lot. 2587 01:49:08,414 --> 01:49:10,416 Fred, you gotta go to her. 2588 01:49:12,518 --> 01:49:14,784 Go get her ass, man. 2589 01:49:14,786 --> 01:49:16,122 And he jerks off. 2590 01:49:18,457 --> 01:49:20,524 And so do all of you. 2591 01:49:20,526 --> 01:49:21,791 Hell, yeah! 2592 01:49:21,793 --> 01:49:23,994 So deal with it. 2593 01:49:23,996 --> 01:49:25,464 Deal with it, America. 2594 01:49:31,170 --> 01:49:33,170 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 2595 01:49:34,407 --> 01:49:36,440 Hey! I'm Fred! 2596 01:49:36,442 --> 01:49:38,108 Is that an XL? 2597 01:49:38,110 --> 01:49:39,376 I've got five stars in it, 2598 01:49:39,378 --> 01:49:40,878 if you could speed this shit up, man! 2599 01:49:40,880 --> 01:49:42,213 We'll give you extra tip, real tip. 2600 01:49:42,215 --> 01:49:43,547 Not Uber tip! Cash tip! 2601 01:49:43,549 --> 01:49:45,918 - (ALL CLAMORING) - AGENT M: Get back! Get back! 2602 01:49:48,988 --> 01:49:51,090 - Where are we going? - I don't know. 2603 01:49:52,291 --> 01:49:53,826 (ALL CLAMORING) 2604 01:49:55,027 --> 01:49:56,293 MAGGIE: She's leaving? Where is she going? 2605 01:49:56,295 --> 01:49:58,095 Shit, I don't know. This isn't on the itinerary. 2606 01:49:58,097 --> 01:50:00,264 Tom, you have to think past the itinerary! 2607 01:50:00,266 --> 01:50:01,198 I can't. 2608 01:50:01,200 --> 01:50:03,033 LANCE: Fred, I just got a Wembley news alert 2609 01:50:03,035 --> 01:50:05,236 - with your name on it. - FRED: Don't open it! 2610 01:50:05,238 --> 01:50:07,938 FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, yeah! Oh, boy! 2611 01:50:07,940 --> 01:50:09,340 (LAUGHING) Oh, Fred! 2612 01:50:09,342 --> 01:50:12,343 Oh, no. Oh, no. 2613 01:50:12,345 --> 01:50:13,544 Hey, it's all right, man. 2614 01:50:13,546 --> 01:50:15,212 You know, we all got our things. 2615 01:50:15,214 --> 01:50:16,914 I don't bust a nut on my face. 2616 01:50:16,916 --> 01:50:19,116 - But, like... - It's not like a thing I do! 2617 01:50:19,118 --> 01:50:20,284 (GUFFAWS) 2618 01:50:20,286 --> 01:50:22,119 Do you think that'll, like, go viral? 2619 01:50:22,121 --> 01:50:24,957 (SCOFFS) This is the news! 2620 01:50:25,559 --> 01:50:27,226 (LAUGHING) Oh, shit. 2621 01:50:35,167 --> 01:50:38,402 Excuse me. Move, damn it! This man is in love. 2622 01:50:38,404 --> 01:50:40,271 Secretary Field just drove away, 2623 01:50:40,273 --> 01:50:42,339 no comment as to her destination. 2624 01:50:42,341 --> 01:50:44,476 We're gonna keep tracking this story for you... 2625 01:50:44,478 --> 01:50:46,310 CAMERAMAN: Yo, check it out. It's the come-guy! 2626 01:50:46,312 --> 01:50:48,012 - MAN: Yeah, that's him! - REPORTER: Oh, sir, 2627 01:50:48,014 --> 01:50:49,213 just a couple of questions. We're live right now. 2628 01:50:49,215 --> 01:50:52,349 No! I'm come-guy? 2629 01:50:52,351 --> 01:50:54,051 No comments at this time, thank you! Thank you! 2630 01:50:54,053 --> 01:50:55,185 Thank you! 2631 01:50:55,187 --> 01:50:57,290 Do not touch him! Do not touch him! 2632 01:51:12,038 --> 01:51:13,105 Hi. 2633 01:51:14,106 --> 01:51:15,274 Holy shit. 2634 01:51:17,377 --> 01:51:18,911 Did you see my speech? 2635 01:51:20,146 --> 01:51:22,882 Yeah. I think everyone saw it. 2636 01:51:23,350 --> 01:51:24,351 Yeah. 2637 01:51:27,153 --> 01:51:29,088 You know, your video's out there. 2638 01:51:29,989 --> 01:51:31,491 Yeah, I caught that. (CHUCKLES) 2639 01:51:38,498 --> 01:51:40,467 Here's the deal. I love you. 2640 01:51:42,235 --> 01:51:44,336 I know I do. 2641 01:51:44,338 --> 01:51:47,307 Because I've never been so scared in my entire life. 2642 01:51:50,277 --> 01:51:54,980 And I once shared an elevator with Saddam Hussein. 2643 01:51:56,316 --> 01:51:58,485 Just me and Saddam. 2644 01:52:01,555 --> 01:52:03,423 And this is way scarier. 2645 01:52:06,360 --> 01:52:07,893 I love you. 2646 01:52:11,031 --> 01:52:13,498 Okay, you're really gonna have to say something right now. 2647 01:52:13,500 --> 01:52:15,102 'Cause I'm freaking out. 2648 01:52:17,970 --> 01:52:20,240 I've been in love with you since I was 12 years old. 2649 01:52:22,709 --> 01:52:24,576 (BREATHING SHAKILY) 2650 01:52:24,578 --> 01:52:26,046 (CHUCKLES) 2651 01:52:31,585 --> 01:52:33,587 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 2652 01:52:41,361 --> 01:52:42,362 Oh. 2653 01:52:44,064 --> 01:52:45,130 Hello? 2654 01:52:45,132 --> 01:52:48,199 Hey, Fred, uh, there's a million people out here 2655 01:52:48,201 --> 01:52:50,602 and they want to talk to the candidate and the come-guy. 2656 01:52:50,604 --> 01:52:52,439 So, I figured they'd hit you. 2657 01:53:04,151 --> 01:53:06,019 (ALL CHEERING) 2658 01:53:13,326 --> 01:53:14,661 LANCE: Fred! 2659 01:53:15,629 --> 01:53:17,164 Fred! 2660 01:53:22,469 --> 01:53:25,403 A crazy day. 2661 01:53:25,405 --> 01:53:27,640 But I'm really glad you're all here. 2662 01:53:27,642 --> 01:53:29,710 I'd like to introduce you to someone. 2663 01:53:31,077 --> 01:53:32,145 This is Fred. 2664 01:53:32,780 --> 01:53:34,047 Hi, there. 2665 01:53:35,650 --> 01:53:37,650 - My boyfriend. - (ALL CHEERING) 2666 01:53:37,652 --> 01:53:39,019 Whoo! 2667 01:53:42,322 --> 01:53:44,255 You kind of know him already, 2668 01:53:44,257 --> 01:53:46,357 but you'll get to know him a lot more 2669 01:53:46,359 --> 01:53:47,662 in the next few months... 2670 01:53:48,863 --> 01:53:51,496 'Cause he's gonna be right by my side on my campaign trail. 2671 01:53:51,498 --> 01:53:53,200 (ALL CHEERING) 2672 01:53:56,403 --> 01:53:57,738 (CHEERING LOUDER) 2673 01:54:02,142 --> 01:54:04,010 Wakanda Forever! 2674 01:54:12,219 --> 01:54:14,487 Charlotte! Charlotte! 2675 01:54:14,489 --> 01:54:17,090 ALL: (CHANTING) Charlotte! Charlotte! 2676 01:54:18,258 --> 01:54:19,725 LANCE: I started the chant! 2677 01:54:19,727 --> 01:54:21,662 I started that chant! 2678 01:54:25,399 --> 01:54:27,098 ...that I will faithfully execute 2679 01:54:27,100 --> 01:54:30,336 the office of the president of the United States. 2680 01:54:30,338 --> 01:54:31,704 REPORTER: What a momentous day, 2681 01:54:31,706 --> 01:54:33,204 our first female president. 2682 01:54:33,206 --> 01:54:35,139 I never thought I'd see it. 2683 01:54:35,141 --> 01:54:36,842 Well, I mean, a lot of people are gonna say 2684 01:54:36,844 --> 01:54:38,844 this is a historic moment for women everywhere, 2685 01:54:38,846 --> 01:54:41,112 but do we really want her finger on the button 2686 01:54:41,114 --> 01:54:42,448 when it's that time of the month? 2687 01:54:42,450 --> 01:54:44,316 I wouldn't want my wife making any decision 2688 01:54:44,318 --> 01:54:45,651 during that time of the month. 2689 01:54:45,653 --> 01:54:47,486 You know what? Fuck you guys. I quit. 2690 01:54:47,488 --> 01:54:49,087 Looks like it's someone's time of the month. 2691 01:54:49,089 --> 01:54:50,623 - (LAUGHS) Oh! - Looks like Aunt Flow 2692 01:54:50,625 --> 01:54:52,491 is going to work down at the Red River Casino... Oh! 2693 01:54:52,493 --> 01:54:53,726 Jesus Christ! Quick, quick, cut! 2694 01:54:53,728 --> 01:54:58,096 Hi! I'm the First Mister of the United States of America. 2695 01:54:58,098 --> 01:54:59,565 My name is Fred Field. 2696 01:54:59,567 --> 01:55:00,733 I took my wife's last name. 2697 01:55:00,735 --> 01:55:04,803 And, uh, I'm gonna give you a tour of the White House. 2698 01:55:04,805 --> 01:55:07,773 We're starting with the portraits of the first spouses. 2699 01:55:07,775 --> 01:55:09,642 Here we have Mamie Eisenhower. 2700 01:55:09,644 --> 01:55:10,709 Jackie Kennedy. 2701 01:55:10,711 --> 01:55:13,546 We have the beautiful Lady Bird Johnson's portrait. 2702 01:55:13,548 --> 01:55:16,282 And that leads us into my portrait. 2703 01:55:16,284 --> 01:55:18,551 It was painted by Todd McFarlane, 2704 01:55:18,553 --> 01:55:21,120 who created the Spawn comics, of course. 2705 01:55:21,122 --> 01:55:22,922 The first versions were a little over the top. 2706 01:55:24,525 --> 01:55:26,592 Hi, guys. 2707 01:55:26,594 --> 01:55:28,460 FRED: I used to think the best way for me to change the world, 2708 01:55:28,462 --> 01:55:30,362 to make it a better place was through journalism. 2709 01:55:30,364 --> 01:55:31,830 Then I realized that's not at all the case. 2710 01:55:31,832 --> 01:55:35,434 Really, the best thing I could be doing for the world 2711 01:55:35,436 --> 01:55:38,437 is just supporting this amazing person 2712 01:55:38,439 --> 01:55:40,239 and just trying to learn from her 2713 01:55:40,241 --> 01:55:41,774 and kinda just trying to be 2714 01:55:41,776 --> 01:55:44,310 the best first mister I can be. 2715 01:55:44,312 --> 01:55:46,879 I actually got a tattoo of the first mister insignia. 2716 01:55:46,881 --> 01:55:49,682 - He did. - There we are. 2717 01:55:49,684 --> 01:55:50,849 CHARLOTTE: You're wearing mittens. 2718 01:55:50,851 --> 01:55:52,251 FRED: Got little mittens on. 2719 01:55:52,253 --> 01:55:54,753 If you think of where this tattoo started to where it ended up. 2720 01:55:54,755 --> 01:55:56,689 It really has an amazing arc to it. 2721 01:55:56,691 --> 01:55:59,625 INTERVIEWER: What are some of the perks of your new roles? 2722 01:55:59,627 --> 01:56:02,929 Well, I finally get to enact my vision for America. 2723 01:56:02,931 --> 01:56:05,164 I finally got to find out who killed Kennedy. 2724 01:56:05,166 --> 01:56:06,398 - Oh, my God. Don't you dare. - I won't say. 2725 01:56:06,400 --> 01:56:07,566 - Don't. - I won't say. 2726 01:56:07,568 --> 01:56:08,667 Fred, I'm not kidding around. 2727 01:56:08,669 --> 01:56:09,735 It's not who you think! 2728 01:56:09,737 --> 01:56:11,270 Don't do it. 2729 01:56:11,272 --> 01:56:12,340 It's pretty surprising. 2730 01:56:13,274 --> 01:56:14,773 He's my Mister. 2731 01:56:14,775 --> 01:56:17,411 I'm her Mister. And she's my president. 2732 01:56:20,449 --> 01:56:25,449 Subtitles by explosiveskull Sync by GoldenBeard 199813