Original subtitles

- I'm creating an impressionist competition

in which I am seeking the world's greatest impressionist,

and I will personally give a cash prize

of a quarter of a million dollars.

- You're gonna write a check

for a quarter of a million dollars?

- Yeah.

- I'd like to unveil my one step program

to quit doing impressions.

Win Piat's Competition.

- Thousands auditioned.

But we have narrowed it down to a few select men and women

who are on the stage with me tonight.

In just a few moments, these impressionists will compete,

but only one will go home with a quarter million dollars.

I'm Alison Haislip, and you're watching Piat's Night

of a Million Impressions.

- Where to begin.

I guess it started about 10 days before the competition.

- It was just killing me that I hadn't heard anything back

about the Star Wars gig, and then a few days later,

I finally got the word from Gary.

- From what I gathered, it was down to you, James Franco,

and some British guy.

You beat up Franco, which is amazing.

But Star Wars loves the Brits, what can we say?

- Yeah, that makes sense.

- Hey, come on, they make a new Star Wars every year.

Everything will be all right plus you still have the JT job.

You're still making money.

Money's good.

- I think it was really hard on Ross to lose

that Star Wars gig.

I felt sorry for him, 'cause he worked hard on it.

Sadly, that was only the beginning.

- It's Timberlake.

JT?

- Ross, how are you?

I hope you're having a wonderful day.

- Ah, man, I've had better but it's really good

to hear your voice.

What can I do for you?

- Ross, I'm your biggest fan, and I have no desire to bring

your spirits down, but I'm afraid team

Timberlake has decided to move in a different direction.

- I'm sorry, what?

Phew, you know it's funny how quickly the things

you count on can just evaporate.

They went with Hundo.

- They can't do that.

- They did.

- Ross, they can't replace you with the understudy.

Understudy was their idea.

- I know.

- So, now what?

Are you his understudy?

- No, Hundo hired a new understudy.

- Wait, what?

- It's over, Andrea.

It's done.

♪ Sometimes someone's wrong. ♪

- Gosh, you know this is, it's nice having you here,

so we can talk about this.

I just feel like--

- No cabinets. - No cabinets.

- There's a lot of stuff coming down on me at once,

and sometimes I don't really know how to handle it.

It just feels like it's been a really, really rough week.

It's just--

- Put in like a u bar, slash hookah lounge.

- Just unbelievable amount of--

- The hookah taps?

- No, for beer.

- Oh, beer taps.

- Hookah taps, too, sure, why not.

- Stress.

Just a lot of stress just happening all at once.

It's just been really--

- Can we get rid of these couches?

Make this whole room a memory foam mattress?

- Yeah, absolutely, we can definitely do that.

- And then if we could make this fireplace use lasers

instead of flames.

Is that something you guys can do?

- I'm sure.

We have lasers on tour, so I don't see why--

- I just feel like a little lost, you know, and--

- Hey, hi Ross.

How's it going?

Sorry to do this, but you guys actually all have

to clear out.

You are no longer authorized to film

in the Timberlake household.

- It was a lot to hit Ross with all at once.

He lost the Star Wars gig, the Timberlake gig,

and then he got kicked out of the house.

So, I think it all just stacked up on him, you know?

That's a lot to go through, and he didn't take it well,

and he kind of spun out of control.

And then he he disappeared for a while and nobody knew

where he was.

- We gotta go into the wild, kids!

- We got ourselves a bonafide devil net.

- Anakin, you have to be careful of the force.

- I'm just a go along, you know.

I mean, I'm Jim.

Jim, he's the one with real drive, the real vision.

No, no, no, no, don't you do that to me.

The willingness to look forward 10 years and see

his hero self.

- Like two peas in a pod.

- No, we're not.

We're not peas in no pod.

- If we're gonna rob this hotel right, we need another guy.

- Mr. White.

- It is a sequel, so we might need at least one more.

- Where's the blue carousel, yo?

- Sam worms, you hate 'em, right?

- I hate 'em, too.

- May the devil find you one hour before you die.

- 11 guys?

12 guys?

- It's gonna be nothing but Frank, Frank, Frank.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I think maybe for this sequel--

- X marks the spot.

- Adrienne!

- X marks the spot.

- We're gonna get crazy up in here today.

- He's distracting, mate!

- All of these voices need to leave.

- I am Cornholio.

- Just one and that's that.

- Or else I'm going to explode.

- What's that?

Yeah, no, this guy passed out on the counter

right next to me.

- The bartender kinda went through his stuff, figured out

who he was, called us, and Gary and I went up

to Santa Barbara.

- Well, he hasn't been drinking.

He came in here, he sat down, stared into his glass

for a couple of hours talking in a million different voices

and then he just passed out.

He tried to talk to me once, but I was on the telephone.

- All right, well, we'll get him in the car

and we'll get him safely home.

- Okay, well thanks for coming all this way

and picking him up.

- Hold on, Andrea.

I'm sorry are you talking me?

- Oh, well done.

And you have the ear for it, too.

As you were.

- Let's go, buddy.

- You can't do both, by the way.

Well, thankfully, he snapped out of it pretty fast,

once we got him to back to LA and he had sobered up,

for lack of a better word.

But yeah, it was pretty soon, he's back to his old self,

being other people and practicing for the competition.

- Welcome back to Piat's Night of a Million Impressions.

Who would be crazy enough to give away a quarter

of a million dollars?

Let's ask the man of a million voices, Piat.

- Thank you, Alison.

Yes.

Tonight is all for impressionist out there who have not had

the opportunity to shine.

A lot of them are my friends and this is their perfect

opportunity to show off their skills.

- Ah, so you're biased?

- I am, and because of that, I will not participate in any

of the judging.

- Yes, this is a very unique set up.

The contestants will be judged by the other contestants,

as well as the viewers at home.

- That's right, tonight the judges are not the stars.

The impressionists are the stars.

- Thank you, Piat.

All right, let's right to it.

In the first round, the impressionists will be reading

nursery rhymes as the celebrities of their choice.

- Jack and Jill went up the hill.

- To fetch a pail of water.

- Jack fell down and broke his crown.

- And Jill came tumbling after.

- Hey diddle, diddle, the cat, the fiddle.

- The cow jumped over the moon.

- The little dog laughed.

- To see such a sport.

- And the dish ran away with the spoon.

- The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout.

- Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

- Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.

- And the itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.

- As for me, things were pretty good, yeah.

Before the competition, everything was swinging good.

Annie created this incredible app.

It translates anyone's voice into a celebrity voice,

so she had to have a massive database

of celebrity impressions, and well, she'd been recording me

for 20 plus years, so we had all that.

But I had to sign it over to her, the rights,

so that she could pursue her passion, which I was

happy to do.

And I think it was that gesture that brought us really back

together because we needed to just talk it out and apologize

a lot, and we weren't going to throw it all away.

I never believe that.

I was never that concerned because we're really perfect

for each other, and now we are doing great.

- Billy Bob Thornton.

- Well, we could keep turning these cards over, I guess,

if that's the way you wanna do it.

- Sean Connery.

- Well, Money Penny, if I just do this impression,

we may have to go inside pretty shortly,

if you catch my meaning.

- All right, all right.

Tim Gun.

- You're going to make a formal evening gown out

of a map of Ohio.

- That's really good.

What about Sean Connery.

- Sean Connery, again?

I can see what's happening here.

You just wanna spend a balmy afternoon with James Bond.

That's very dangerous, very dangerous.

- It feels really good to be back together with Annie

and even though we've got this new house

and Selena has moved out, she's living with her boyfriend,

still feels like nothing much has changed.

Even Ross is still on the couch.

- Hey, thanks again for letting me crash on your couch.

- You crashed on my couch, I crashed on your couch.

It's the circle of couches.

Totally fine.

- Yeah, yeah, it's been quite a year.

- Oh, hasn't it.

Well, listen, Annie and I have always enjoyed having you.

It's always been a pleasure.

- I'm really tired of Ross sleeping on the couch.

What is that about?

He's an adult.

Get it together.

I mean, seriously.

And I do not understand this bromance

between him and Jim.

Jim is just so much more talented and a grownup

and I kinda like talking to you.

I mean, this is kind of nice, I mean.

Do you have any questions for me?

- Round two!

It's the improv round.

Contestants will be randomly paired up and must improv

a scene as two given celebrities.

- If they fumble the football, they gonna run a mile, huh.

And if they don't win a game, I'm gonna put my foot,

you're gonna put your foot, huh, and what other we foots

we got, we're gonna put it right up in their

John Brown high parts.

- Now, you think making them run a mile during the game is

a good idea?

- It's a beautiful day.

- It's so totally a beautiful day.

- Nick, you gotta try my pineapple martini mango slushy.

- All right, all right, all right.

- All right.

All right, okay.

- All right, all right, all right.

- All right, okay, all right.

- All right, all right, all right.

- I once killed a man with a pineapple.

- If you don't mind my saying, you're pale,

I'm pale, we're gonna need some sunblock.

- We are gonna need some sunblock, that's true.

- Kinda sunblock I'd like would be maybe a room.

- What kinda Happy Meal toy are you gonna get?

- Oh boy, I think I'm gonna get--

- A girl toy or a boy toy?

I can never tell with you.

- Junior? - What?

- I believe I have a lighter in my pocket.

Can you reach it, Junior?

- Yeah, I can reach it, Dad.

- Oh, very good.

- I'm just known for stating the obvious, you know

what I'm saying?

I come in, I say, that boy's dead.

- Well, Junior, you may have to wait,

'cause the floor is on fire.

- I know, the what?

The floor's one fire?

- That's right.

I know, I know--

- What?

- Maybe if we switch personalities, we can get out

of this faster.

- Let's try.

- All right.

Oh, what happened?

- Can your legs reach, Dad?

- Well, I don't know if I can do it?

- We're gonna burn alive, okay, come on!

I know you can do it.

- How are you and Andrea, by the way?

Any good?

- We're fine. - Good.

- We're good. - Yeah.

- 'Cause she was a little worried when you...

- We're fine.

It has been a little rocky since the flip out.

So I don't really blame her for moving in with a friend

of hers, it's understandable.

Plus, there's only so much room on Jim's couch.

- Well, it's not just Jim's couch, it's also my couch.

Happy to have you, but it's also my couch.

- Thank you, you're a sweetheart.

So yeah, as I was saying, it's been a little difficult,

but we're taking things slow and we actually talked right

before the competition, which was really nice.

Fancy seeing you here.

- Hello.

- You in this competition?

You doing this thing?

- Yeah, are you?

- Oh, yeah.

I just thought maybe I'd stop on by, see what was up.

- Just check it out.

- Yeah, how are you?

You good?

- Good, good, yeah, yeah.

It's good.

- Look.

I'm really sorry for going MIA.

- Ross, thank you, but right now, don't even think

about that, get your heads in this competition

because you have the potential to actually win.

- So do you.

- Oh, bugger off.

- No, Andrea, you--

- No, Ross, I'm honored to be a part of it,

but I'm just here to have a little fun.

You know you really can win the whole thing,

but you gotta focus, so don't worry about me

or us or anything.

Okay?

Just go in there and do what you do, and break a leg,

and when you win, we'll celebrate right here

in the parking lot, all right?

- Okay.

- And on to round three, the battle round.

Two or more impressionists will perform the same impression

at the same time.

- Which do you think came first, the chicken or the egg?

- Depends on how you eat your eggs.

- There might be too many Homers, you know?

- What's your beef with this guy?

- No, what's your beef with this guy?

- He's trying to be me.

- Oh, what's your beef with this guy?

- Well, my beef is the same as his beef with me.

- Well, let's just have some beef and call it a day.

- Doh! - Doh!

- Doh! - Doh!

- Doh! - Doh!

- Jack, great to see you.

- Wonderful to see you, too.

- How are you, Jack?

- Jack, how are you?

- Jack, how are you?

- Jack, wow, it's great to see you.

- Bart! - Bart!

- Bart! - Bart!

- Bart! - Bart!

- Bart! - Bart!

- Everybody now can enunciate, huh?

- Huh, good one.

- Pardon me?

I didn't know we could swear on this show.

- I haven't really been worried about winning or losing,

or even thinking about it 'cause I just, I don't know,

being back together with Annie has just given me

a lot of confidence.

Sure you don't wanna come with me?

- No, no, I don't want to be a distraction.

- Oh, honey, you're not a distraction, come on.

You're my inspiration.

- I don't know, I might be.

- Look at this.

That looks nice.

- Yeah, I'm wearing it again.

- I'm glad.

- That was two month's salary.

- I know, I remember. - Remember?

- Yeah, when I working at the museum.

Come on with me, it'll be fun.

It'll be really spontaneous.

It'll be like our first date if you come.

- Our first date was crazy!

I can't even, like we, didn't we?

We got a ticket?

What was that for?

- Yeah, for lighting off fireworks under the trunk

of the car.

- In a residential area.

- Yeah.

- Listen, I'm gonna be here, okay.

So, go, and kick ass, and I'll be waiting for you.

Okay.

- I'll see you in a while.

- I'll see you in a little while.

- She's been giving me confidence for 25 years.

- Here we are, the fourth and final round.

But first, we have to find out who's moving on.

All the impressionists have voted.

The only rule, they cannot vote for themselves.

And the two finalists are

Jim Marshall and Ross Marvin.

- In the past year, I've lived in three different houses.

One L-shaped couch, and a piece of crap RV.

I've lived out of a suitcase, a clothing rock,

and a cardboard box that I keep in the trunk of my car.

- About a year ago, I got into the habit

of writing my obituary.

Just really as an exercise, obviously.

I haven't done that a while.

Wasn't really very healthy.

But I would list out all the positive things

about my life so far.

And I would write loving husband, good father,

great parallel parker, all these important things,

but when I got to my career as a voiceover actor

and impressionist, ah, I would get depressed.

I forgot about it, but one of the things in that box is

my journal of of obituaries I wrote for myself.

I haven't written one in over a year.

Not sure why, it hasn't been a great year,

by any stretch of the imagination, but I guess instead

of dwelling on dying, lately I've just been too busy

living.

Yeah, it would be nice to win, and I want to win,

but I don't want Ross to lose.

It's just a shame that this competition has

to be a competition.

- Good luck.

- Good luck to you, man.

I mean it.

- Me too, buddy, I mean it, too.

- You're gonna need it.

- You, well.

- Hey guys, how are you?

- Good, good, good.

- This is really fun, huh?

- Shh, gotta go.

- Come on, okay, okay.

- Hey, love you, man.

Good luck.

- Nobody loses.

- Nobody, yeah.

- Jim and Ross will each have 45 seconds to perform

as many impressions as they can.

Each impression must be in the form of a complete sentence.

If at the end of forty five seconds they are tied,

the vote will go to you, the viewers at home,

to choose our winner.

Jim, you're first.

- Been a quiet week on Lake Woebegone.

- You can play it for her, Sam, you can play it for me.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

That's crazy.

- Not too interested in that, actually.

Yeah.

You like my tie?

- I'm rather nervous to speak to you.

- This is incredible, I can't believe I went

to Arnold Schwarzenegger so early in the competition.

- This is a great opportunity for me to expand

my dentistry skills.

- Say the secret word and win yourself $1,000.

Say another word, and win yourself another.

- This is incredible.

I can't believe that I'm putting up with this nonsense.

- You know what?

You betrayed me, you did, you did.

- I don't know what you're talking about, but I tell

you what, I'll take it up with my board of directors.

- Good.

Wow.

- I didn't kill my wife.

- The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing

the world he didn't exist.

- I feel like I'm gonna wreck it.

- Oh, very nice, just when I think I'm out, they pull

me back in.

- You look very, very pretty, and I just wanted to say that.

- Peggy, you didn't bring me my coffee on time.

You're fired.

- All right, all right, you wanna fight about it,

let's do this.

I'm not expendable, you are.

- Now, the thing I'd like to tell you Master Wayne is

to take it down, just a bit, right here.

- I have a particular set of skills.

Skills that I will use against you.

- Oh, yeah, it's called science, yo.

- That's what I'm talking about, girl, chemistry,

between you and me, between you and me.

For realsies.

Hashtag awesome sauce.

- Yeah, I guess it was a year ago, maybe a year

and a half ago, that I was sleeping on Jim's couch.

Not that couch.

It was a different couch at his old place.

But, man, what a whirlwind since then.

Jim, took me under his wing when I was flat broke

and had no idea what I was gonna do with my life

and he really introduced me to a whole world

of new opportunities.

Voice matching, animation, impression work, obviously.

And I credit him with a great number of opportunities

that I never would've had otherwise.

- I just look at the last year, and all the things

that have gone down, all the changes, all the friendships

and the breakups, and the challenges.

- When I was a kid, I wanted to be Justin Timberlake.

I told this to Jim and he said--

- You still can, I think.

- Jim always had as much faith in me as he did

in himself, I love that.

But the truth is that being Justin Timberlake wasn't

all it was cracked up to be.

And that's another thing Jim taught me, is no matter

how much fun you have pretending to be someone else,

there's nothing more satisfying than living your own life

in your own skin.

- My dad and Ross, they've worked so hard for this,

and to see them go head to head after all this time was

just so inspiring.

- Everybody did so well!

And I'm so happy for Jim and Ross.

I'm blown away.

My phone is blowing up, I gotta call my wife,

people wanna know what happened.

- I am so happy about what happened.

It was phenomenal, I think, if anything.

- We're gonna look back on these days, and we're gonna say

these were the good old days.

We've all gained something at the end of it.

- No, Jim will never be my competition, because without Jim

I'm not sure where I'd be or who I'd be.

I owe everything to Jim.

Everything.

So.

- So.

I think I've said it all.

Is that okay?

All right.

- Tonight's winner of a quarter million dollars is

well deserved.

- We're never working together again, professionally.

- Okay, that's all right.

- All right, cool, cool.

Thanks.

♪ Soul pancake ♪