All language subtitles for Impress.Me.S01E02.The.Worst.Impression.Wip264ON10

- Previously on Impress Me.

- I won't say that I'm amazing,

but same as Colin Farrell.

- Amber, you are bloody amazing.

- Nudging Matthew McConaughey.

- We need a Christian
Bale apology interview.

- I'm trying to call here, to apologize,

and you're here .

- Ross and I have a 12 step program

to stop doing impressions,

and to transition into becoming
respected dramatic actors.

- Yo, Mr. White,

I'm scared that we're in danger.

- We are not in danger,

we are the ones busting danger.

- Of course, I haven't
told my wife, Annie,

who's also my manager,

about my plan to quit doing impressions.

- Look, I'm not saying anything, okay?

I know what you're doing.

The whole good cop, bad cop thing?

It's not working.

- Good cop, bad cop.

- That's funny.

That's funny, I like that.

- Good.

I got a question then.

Who's the good cop!

Who's the good cop, hm?

Is it Detective Pesci?

- Yeah, is that it?

Am I the good cop?

No, I think I'm the cop
that puts a lead pipe

against your head.

What do you think, Detective Statham?

- No.

I'd rather a rope.

I think I'd use a rope,

in the dining room.

What about you, Detective Hitchcock?

- I agree a rope is a
very formidable weapon,

but I would use it in the billiard room.

- Why are you guys changing your voices,

and what's with all the Clue references?

- Detective Malkovich?

- Professor Plum in the conservatory,

with the candlestick.

Isn't that right, Detective Bush?

- Darn tootin'.

Yeah, that's right.

Miss Peacock, , that's a bird.

What do you say, Detective Golem?

- I don't care where you did it.

I think you did it.

I know you did it.

- I don't know what you
guys want me to say.

- Detective Ford?

- Listen up, princess.

I didn't come here to be jerked around.

And I'm gonna get what I need out of you,

even if I have to squeeze it outta ya.

Don't give me that worm band excuse,

it's not gonna fly.

Get off of my plane!

- Okay, fine.

Just stop it, okay?

I illegally downloaded season
three of Game of Thrones.

- Illegally downloading
movies and television programs

is a crime, no ticket!

- And cut!

All right, that was great everybody.

Good job.

I'm feeling, though, that
we need a little more,

maybe more impressions from you guys?

- Maybe like a Detective Neeson, you know?

- I have a particular set of skills.

Skills that I will use to
extract the truth from you.

- Or maybe a little, another crazy guy,

Jeff Goldblum?

- Ah yes yes, the mind,

the mind is a fortress, yes yes.

Deep inside your mind, locked away.

Secrets untold, yes?

Yes, maybe I'll find the
answers inside your brain.

- So, we do this crazy
video for our friend Piat.

Piat, that's his name.

Piat.

He is a great impressionist, by the way,

and he wants to be director,

so we thought we'd help him.

- Oh perfect.

Another Jeff.

Like Jeff, prune juice man.

Hey guys, come on, I
could be the good cop.

The dude abides by the rules man,

and so should you, you know man?

- And great job on the yelling.

I love the yelling.

We should get another
yeller though, you know,

like Gilbert Godfrey?

- Hey! Listen!

What you've got, I need!

I have no way of knowing
what's inside your head!

I'm not telepathic!

I can't read your mind!

I have no idea what you're saying.

Absolutely none, unless you tell it to me.

That would be perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

- Yeah, he's a YouTuber,
so he does it all.

- Spreads himself a little bit thin.

- Jim, he's a jack of all trades.

- He is.

I just don't think that
he burns to play Hamlet.

- Probably not.

- Probably not, but you do,

and you will, and we shall.

Because we're following a 12 step program

to stop doing impressions,

become dramatic actors, and we are now on

step four, do an impression
for the greater good.

- Hi, I'm Lawrence.

I'm afraid of my girlfriend's cats.

Not in a violent way, but in a

they're not going to accept me way.

- Step four is actually a very

important part of this program,

and it's easy for me,

'cause I run a little
workshop outta my house.

I've been doin' this for a few years,

where I help people overcome
their personal problems,

by using impressions.

- Hi, I'm Kristen.

I struggle a little bit with gossip.

I tell people entirely too
much about my personal life.

I'm mad at my brother-in-law,

he just cheated on his
wife with his rabbi.

- I'm Steve, I have insomnia,

because of crippling anxiety.

I'm afraid of unreasonable things,

snake bites, terrorist
attacks, earthquakes.

God forbid one of those sharknado
things should ever happen,

'cause I just, yeah.

- Hi, I'm Margo,

and I'm very very
comfortable around people.

I just hate technology, can't stand it.

Never been on the internets, none of 'em.

- My name is Diane,

and most of the time I,

well, the thing is,

I just have low self-esteem, sometimes.

- Thanks.

All of you, for coming here.

So, I started this group awhile ago,

and basically because, a long time ago,

I was very shy,

and I realized one time,

I had this epiphany.

I was watching the Tonight Show,

and I realized Jay Leno
seems to be very comfortable

in his own skin,

and if I just acted a
little bit like Jay Leno,

suddenly I felt more confident,

and I didn't care what
was going on at all.

Also, I noticed that William Shatner,

the great William Shatner,
is another character

that you can take on.

It suddenly feels like he,
he owns the entire universe.

So you can feel, if you
ever feel a bit shy,

a little bit low self-esteem,

you just act like William Shatner,

and suddenly, the whole world opens up.

Alien women start to come up
to you and ask you for a date.

So, in your case, for example Steve.

You said insomnia.

A good character for that
might be Garrison Keiler,

because Garrison Keiler, you know,

you listen to him on the radio,

and he sounds like he's
got a lot of placid

environment around you.

Your eyelids get heavy,

you can't see as well,
and finally realize,

I'll just go upstairs, and take a nap

for the rest of the autumn.

Diane, low self-esteem, very common.

For that, you just have to figure out,

well, who doesn't have low self-esteem.

Antonio Banderas.

He has incredible resources of esteem.

He has self-esteem to burn.

He wants to grab life by the hairs,

pull it towards him, and give
it a big kiss on the lips.

Give that a try.

- I feel so good about myself.

I feel good about life.

I want to embrace life,
and give it a big kiss,

and make love to beautiful women!

- Beautiful Diane, nice commitment.

That's great.

Wow.

Well, that's it.

I mean, it's really just
using these impressions

to somehow find your own voice.

All right, well, let's pair up,

and right now, and just sort of see

if there's any impressions
that you can work with,

that you feel comfortable with.

I'll come around and help.

- Hey.

Looks like we're partners.

- Look like it.

I'm Emily.

- Ross, nice to meet you.
- Nice meetin' you.

- Yes, I will admit that
I use to use impressions

to pick up women, but the problem is,

that they would never like me for me,

they would always like
me for someone else.

Break out the bongos, start
serenadin' you with that

a little bit, and serve
up some fried cous cous.

We'll have a real romanticized evening.

All right.

- I'm ready.

- Ready for what?

- You know.

- Okay.

- But I'm gonna need you
to be Justin Timberlake.

- Honestly, I'm at a place in my life,

where I wanna be loved for who I am,

and for what makes me me.

So what celebrity impression
do you want to try?

- Well, the thing is,

I don't really know any.

- Oh no, of course, yeah.

That's why you're here.

- Like, I don't know any of the people.

Like Garrison Keebler and Antonio,

the one that she did.

I don't know who they are.

- Wait, are you serious?

- 'Cause I'm from a small town,

like real small,

and we don't watch TV,

or modern movies at least,

but I just moved to Los Angeles,

and I don't really know anybody,

so I thought I'd take this class,

but I thought it was,

I thought it was a class
on Impressionist paintin's.

- That's awesome.

- But he is so talented, that's for sure.

- No, he's great.

Just out of curiosity,

you don't know who say,

Colin Farrell, Matthew McConaughey,

or Justin Timberlake is?

- Well now you're just makin' up names.

- You are, you're somethin' else.

- I don't know if that's good or bad.

- I like step four.

It's nice.

It's important to give back
to the community, because

sometimes the community gives back to you.

- Oh hey!

How's it goin'?

Twice in one week.

- How ya doin'?

- Good man, you?

- Good.

- I didn't know you were
auditioning for this part.

You know, it's a dramatic
action film, right?

- Well, I audition for everything.

I put myself on tape all the time,

and read stuff all the time.

- Last week, I did a
children's kids party.

I played Harry Potter
and Snape in outer space.

Mr. Potter, what are you
doing near that shuttle?

Get away.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not adept with this equipment,

I'm just a wizard.

10 points from Griffendor.

The kids loved it, it was great.

- The celebrities that I call people up,

you know, leave 'em a message,

and, hello this is Carson
from Downtown Abbey,

I hope you'll come home soon, Jennifer.

Get down to the basement,
clean the silver.

The thing about this party,

was that the dad was a movie director.

- Oh, that's not so good, huh?

He sees you, and gets
a preconceived notion

that you're kind of an amateur,

and you're trying to be a dramatic actor.

- Usually that is the case,

but this guy was so enamored
with my Alan Rickman

impression, he said he'd
cast me as the villain

in his next movie.

He's a die hard Die Hard fan,

which the film is similar to,

but it's set in a state prison.

- That's this.

That's what we're reading for here.

Die Hard in a Prison.

- Oh yeah, I've already been cast.

I'm not here to audition.

I'm here to help you guys read
for the role of the sidekick.

- Oh.

Oh.

- Yeah.

I should actually get in there.

- Yeah, wow.

Yeah.

- You know what?

I'll introduce you to the director.

He's a really good guy.

You'll do good.

- Thank you.

- I'll speak with him.

Well, good luck, Jim.

- Thanks.

- With every single bone in my body,

I wanted to be honest and truthful,

but I couldn't be.

No, I had to be considerate and kind.

- He really asked me that question,

how many people we expect

to my father's funeral?

He just died 36 hours ago.

What's my father's life worth?

Isn't that really the
question you're asking?

- It is true that I have not told Annie,

who's my wife and our manager,

about our 12 step program
to stop doing impressions.

But that's because

I wanna prove to her first,

that I'm capable of doing it.

That's what brings us to step five.

- Step five, get a
non-impression acting job

that pays us money.

- Right.

To that end, Ross and I have been,

we've been auditioning for some
very dramatic roles lately.

- You will tell your team to pull back.

If you don't do this,

I will kill everyone you know.

With the stroke of a button.

- What are you in here for, huh?

No, let me guess.

Possession.

Outside you were big and tough.

Everything went your way.

Well now, inside, it's a
little different, isn't it?

- And then we got cast.

- Yeah.

It's a dark, dramatic Indie film,

starring Matt Jones, who of course,

played Badger on Breaking Bad.

Great actor.

Great script.

Great opportunity.

Step five.

- I think when Annie
sees how well this goes,

then the time will be
right to unveil our plan.

- Yeah.

- I don't know who Matt Jones is,

but I never heard of any of them.

- Well, that's why I like you.

One reason, anyway.

- Did you do an impression of him?

- Uh no.

No, I mean, not that I
have prepared anyway.

- But you could do one.

I mean, that's your job, right?

- Uh, yeah, but I don't really ...

- Come on, do one.

Do it, do it.

I know you can.

- I don't know.

I could try, but it's just a really,

it's not, it's not really in my realm.

- Well, I think you should do it for him.

- For who?

- For Matt Jones, silly.

He'd love it.

He'd love it.

- You're great.

But, you don't understand.

It's a really bad idea to
do an impression of a guy

right in front of him.

It's just bad.

- I mean,

I think he'd be flattered.

I think he'd love it, that's what I think.

- Okay, so this is the part where we want,

Matt, you're gonna end
up on your knees here.

Guys, you're gonna come in,

you're kinda surrounding him here.

Ron, I'm gonna put you there, great.

Jim, you're probably gonna
drop down here, I think.

First part of the speech,

you're gonna keep looking down, Matt,

if that's all right.

And then, as the speech climaxes,

just take it up.

- Yeah, okay, yeah.

- Good.

- Okay, yeah.

- Brilliant.

So for rehearsal.

Quiet please, action.

- I don't have the money.

But even if I did, I
wouldn't give it to you.

- I know who you are,

and what you did to my father.

So go ahead, kill me.

- And we cut on that fantastic.

Matt, good job, thanks man.

That's really, that's good stuff,

so we'll take 20 minutes,

that's it and we'll shoot.

- Awesome.

- Cool.

- Matt, show 'em.

Show 'em the, do the Russell Crowe.

Do the Crowe impression.

- It's from Gladiator,

I can't do the Australian thing.

- Let's hear ya.

- Okay.

My name is Marcus Decimus Meridius.

Commander of the armies of the North,

general of the Phoenix legions.

I will now have my vengeance,

in this life or the next.

- It's the best.

- It's the best.

- Clay, is that not, that's him.

That's Russell Crowe.

- Seriously man, you
should do impressions, man,

I mean, those guys have it easy.

- No, it's not that hard.

- So easy, right?

But nobody can do Crowe like that.

- Okay.

Am I outta mind,

or was that the worst
Russell Crowe impression

in the history of the world?

I mean, it wasn't even an impression.

He barely changed his voice.

- He's just eating it up like it's the

greatest thing in the world.

- But let's focus on the positive here.

He is a great actor.

- He is, he's a really good actor.

- We're lucky to be on
this project with him.

- Yeah.

- God, this is gonna be so huge for us.

- I know.

- I feel like Justin Timberlake, you know?

- Yeah.

Okay.

- Oh hey, we haven't officially met.

You're one of the criminals, right?

I'm sorry, my name's Matt.

- I'm sorry, my name's Matt.

- Your name's Matt, too.

- I don't know, Jesse,

it's crazy out there, yo.

Me and Skinny Pete, we heard some things,

and I don't know, man,

it's murder out there, yo.

- Miss anything?

- These things are addictive.

- How about you tell
us where the money is,

so we don't have to break your legs?

- How 'bout I call Rico,

and have him break yours?

- Rico's dead.

You don't know who you're
dealing with, do you?

- Coupla high school dropouts, and a guy

who has to pay for sex?

- Enough.

- I don't know where the money is,

and even if I did, I
wouldn't give it to you.

I know who you are,

and I know what you did to my father.

So go ahead, kill me.

- And cut, it's beautiful stuff.

Thank you boys, we're
gonna turn it around.

Thank you, great work, excellent.

- Thank you, Russell Crowe.

At my signal, unleash hell.

- That is perfect.

It's literally, the voice
is so right on, man.

- All right now, how many
other impressions do you do?

- A bunch.

I can do everybody from Breaking Bad.

But Russell Crowe is
definitely, you know, my one.

- Well, he's the best.

- My name is Maximus Decimus .

Commander of the northern armies.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Commander of the northern armies.

General of the Phoenix legions.

I will have my vengeance,

in this life, or the next.

- You see?

It's not a one-dimensional thing.

There's a real performance there,

that you're paying tribute to,

you're trying to.

You're trying to give it a tribute,

or an homage, or tremage.

You're trying to do that, but you're not.

You're just memorizing the lines.

Excuse me, it's okay, I got it.

Okay, it's like I'm
smokin' dope, watchin TV,

of course, it's gonna be
imprinted in your mind,

but that doesn't make it a performance.

You've gotta give at
least some kind of credit

to Russell Crowe, but I
think we're all thinking

the same thing, it's not an impression.

It's more of a fanpression.

No, I got this Russ.

I got this.

What you're doing, it's fine.

It's just on one level.

That's why you gotta bring it up.

We're all thinkin' the same thing, right?

My God, my daughter can do that better.

When she was a little kid,

a little twerp in diapers.

That's all I'm sayin'.

It's not just

for it to be a real,

I'm just sayin' for it to be
a real impression, that's all.

- Sometimes you run across somebody who

says they can do
something, and they can't.

At what point do you decide,

I'm gonna be the one,

I'm gonna say it.

Listen, you think you can do it,

but you can't, okay?

I'm pullin' the plug on you.

That's ...

I think it's justified
to do that sometimes.

We all need that, I need that.

Not with impressions, but, you know.

- Yo, Badger.

Mr. White's been smokin'
the blue stuff, you know?

For real, he's just jokin' around, right?

Bitch?

- Okay.

- 'Cause you did it,
and then you got fired,

and all I'm saying, is that
$500 would've been nice to have.

- Annie, I think we might've gotten fired,

because of me, not Jim.

- Oh Ross, thank you, but

I think getting fired was a good thing.

- Believe me, it's never
a good thing to be fired.

It doesn't feel good anyway.

- Honestly, you guys,

why were you even there?

This was a dark, dramatic Indie film.

I read it in the submissions,

I didn't even push you for an audition,

'cause I don't know, it wasn't a good fit.

- You've always said we
should expand our aim.

- You should.

You need to be able to
do more impressions.

You really don't have a big roster.

Your Tom Brokaw sounds drunk,

it's a little offensive.

Why did you guys think this
was a a good project for you?

- There were always gonna be setbacks,

and we knew that.

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

You gotta follow your heart.

- On the next Impress Me.

- Where's Prince right now?

- Well, I always thought Owen's
voice was a little lower,

a little more calm.

- Sure, sure.

- Marriage is what brings us together.

- Doh!

Did anyone bring appetizers,

because I am starving.

- Follow your heart.

Soap and cake