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♪ Have I the right to hold you?
2
00:00:04,702 --> 00:00:07,714
♪ You know I've always told you
3
00:00:07,714 --> 00:00:13,406
♪ I've loved you from the very start
4
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♪ Ah, come right back
5
00:00:15,454 --> 00:00:17,694
♪ I just can't bear it
6
00:00:17,694 --> 00:00:19,102
♪ I got some love
7
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♪ And I long to share it
8
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♪ Come right back
9
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♪ Right back where you belong
10
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♪ Oh, yeah, you belong! ♪
11
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Look, right from the
start, I made it clear
12
00:00:34,142 --> 00:00:35,934
that the thing that mattered most
13
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:37,726
to me was getting a quick sale.
14
00:00:37,726 --> 00:00:39,454
I'm afraid the market's going through
15
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a bit of a sluggish patch.
Not much we can do about that!
16
00:00:42,034 --> 00:00:44,254
Well, I mean, look at this brochure.
17
00:00:44,254 --> 00:00:47,966
"Versatile, highly desirable,
larger than average."
18
00:00:47,966 --> 00:00:49,758
Well, what is average? I mean...
19
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,998
"Boasts a back garden." Boasts?
20
00:00:51,998 --> 00:00:53,794
"Deceptively spacious."
21
00:00:53,794 --> 00:00:55,454
I mean, what does it mean?!
22
00:00:55,454 --> 00:00:58,474
I would have thought it rather spoke for
itself. - I think it means that
23
00:00:58,474 --> 00:01:00,318
if we happen to be
looking for a small house,
24
00:01:00,318 --> 00:01:02,750
it's not bad news that
it's deceptively spacious
25
00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:05,194
because it is, in fact, small.
- Phil.
26
00:01:05,194 --> 00:01:07,834
Whereas, if we're
looking for a large house,
27
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:10,046
then "deceptively spacious" means that
28
00:01:10,046 --> 00:01:12,542
if we think it's big enough, it's not.
29
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,142
Uh...
30
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:18,878
I wonder if the time has come for us
to reconsider my original proposal?
31
00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:22,078
What proposal? For an open-house day.
- Quite.
32
00:01:22,078 --> 00:01:23,614
What did I say?
33
00:01:23,614 --> 00:01:25,918
You said you'd rather be
publicly disembowelled
34
00:01:25,918 --> 00:01:28,354
than have strangers tramping all over
your house. - Did I?
35
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:33,034
Oh, it seemed such a good idea to me.
And you'd be there as host,
36
00:01:33,034 --> 00:01:36,414
to greet everyone,
and it's something you do so well.
37
00:01:36,414 --> 00:01:38,078
Yes, well, why not?
38
00:01:38,078 --> 00:01:40,382
Ah, as to that... What?
39
00:01:40,382 --> 00:01:43,518
I'm afraid it's never a good
idea for the owner to be present
40
00:01:43,518 --> 00:01:46,846
on these occasions. Never.
- Never?
41
00:01:46,846 --> 00:01:49,278
Ever.
- Most ill-advised.
42
00:01:49,278 --> 00:01:54,846
Well, what could happen?
43
00:01:54,846 --> 00:01:56,574
Come on, Edith.
44
00:01:56,574 --> 00:01:59,262
No open house.
45
00:01:59,262 --> 00:02:09,274
We'll think about it. Ha-ha!
46
00:02:09,274 --> 00:02:14,194
I'm not sure about this, Bob.
47
00:02:14,194 --> 00:02:15,646
It's a bit early for it...
48
00:02:15,646 --> 00:02:17,118
Listen, don't start!
49
00:02:17,118 --> 00:02:20,254
Well, I like to sing at
night, after midnight,
50
00:02:20,254 --> 00:02:23,006
when my voice is more relaxed. Huh?
51
00:02:23,006 --> 00:02:24,606
Like Frank Sinatra...
52
00:02:24,606 --> 00:02:26,014
Do you want to go back in the box?
53
00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:27,874
Will you two shut up?!
54
00:02:27,874 --> 00:02:29,918
Sorry. Sometimes, my fellow performer's
55
00:02:29,918 --> 00:02:32,094
a wee bit of a problem, you know?
It's not me, it's him...
56
00:02:32,094 --> 00:02:33,374
Rubbish!
57
00:02:33,374 --> 00:02:38,942
Right, now, I know you're wondering,
how can a man with a prosthetic arm
58
00:02:38,942 --> 00:02:40,606
play the guitar?
59
00:02:40,606 --> 00:02:42,910
Well, I'm here to tell you.
60
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:45,214
It is possible, yes!
61
00:02:45,214 --> 00:02:46,750
It is possible!
62
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:50,590
I've never done it myself
and I don't intend to try.
63
00:02:50,590 --> 00:02:52,318
No, no, this, erm,
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00:02:52,318 --> 00:02:54,878
cavernous guitar case is just here
65
00:02:54,878 --> 00:02:56,734
for you generous people
66
00:02:56,734 --> 00:02:59,314
to put your donations in, right?
67
00:02:59,314 --> 00:03:00,766
"Is it too big?", I ask myself.
68
00:03:00,766 --> 00:03:02,366
I sincerely hope not!
69
00:03:02,366 --> 00:03:03,582
Right, let's go!
70
00:03:05,246 --> 00:03:06,654
Ahem...
71
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:10,622
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do! ♪
72
00:03:14,398 --> 00:03:15,806
♪ La, la, la, la... ♪
73
00:03:15,806 --> 00:03:18,174
It's too early, too early for my voice!
74
00:03:18,174 --> 00:03:20,094
Yeah, I know you folk
are looking for serious,
75
00:03:20,094 --> 00:03:22,654
high-quality entertainment.
You see, when you find some,
76
00:03:22,654 --> 00:03:24,190
would you let me know?!
77
00:03:24,190 --> 00:03:27,646
Right, once again... One,
two. One, two, three.
78
00:03:29,758 --> 00:03:32,702
♪ Cherry ripe, cherry ripe
79
00:03:32,702 --> 00:03:35,914
♪ Ripe, I cry
80
00:03:35,914 --> 00:03:38,206
♪ Full and fair ones
81
00:03:38,206 --> 00:03:41,794
♪ Come and buy... ♪
82
00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:44,734
You look so much better
than when you came in!
83
00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:46,270
Ziggy, um...
84
00:03:52,862 --> 00:03:55,614
I love coming to your salon and
chatting to all your customers.
85
00:03:55,614 --> 00:03:58,046
I've only got time for a
quick coffee today, Wendy.
86
00:03:58,046 --> 00:04:01,714
Fridays are hell. Where are we going?
87
00:04:01,714 --> 00:04:06,814
It's not far.
- Oh.
88
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:10,014
I thought we'd go here today.
89
00:04:10,014 --> 00:04:17,758
Here? Mmm.
90
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,166
Hello, there.
91
00:04:19,166 --> 00:04:20,574
Ooh, dominoes!
92
00:04:20,574 --> 00:04:23,262
Ooh, I used to love
dominoes... Ha-ha-ha!
93
00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:25,054
..when I was a child. Ha-ha!
94
00:04:25,054 --> 00:04:26,782
Ooh, I wouldn't have put this down as
95
00:04:26,782 --> 00:04:28,714
your sort of place at all, Sandra.
96
00:04:28,714 --> 00:04:31,966
Oh, I often pop in here. There's always
something going on. - Really?
97
00:04:31,966 --> 00:04:35,614
Yes, they've got great courses.
I've done quite a few of them myself.
98
00:04:35,614 --> 00:04:39,070
Have you? Yes, I'd like to
do more, if I had the time.
99
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:42,590
You always meet such interesting people.
- Yoga.
100
00:04:42,590 --> 00:04:45,086
Hmm, I tried that once.
It wasn't really my sort of thing.
101
00:04:45,086 --> 00:04:46,302
Mindfulness.
102
00:04:46,302 --> 00:04:49,438
Well, I'd say I was a pretty
mindful sort of person anyway.
103
00:04:49,438 --> 00:04:52,254
It's in my nature.
What you need is something
104
00:04:52,254 --> 00:04:54,634
that's going to make the
most of your natural talents.
105
00:04:54,634 --> 00:04:57,394
Music and movement. Mmm...
106
00:04:57,394 --> 00:05:00,254
Counselling. Actually, I'd be
107
00:05:00,254 --> 00:05:03,274
a really good counsellor, wouldn't I?
108
00:05:03,274 --> 00:05:07,114
Well, you could certainly give it a try.
- Yes, I will!
109
00:05:07,114 --> 00:05:10,622
Oh, I would never, ever have
thought of this, Sandra. Thank you.
110
00:05:10,622 --> 00:05:13,182
Mmm.
- Since the divorce it's just been so...
111
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:16,254
Mmm.
112
00:05:16,254 --> 00:05:20,414
It's almost impossible to
believe that Roger is your brother.
113
00:05:20,414 --> 00:05:21,374
Mmm.
114
00:05:21,374 --> 00:05:24,702
♪ Greensleeves was my heart of gold
115
00:05:24,702 --> 00:05:26,622
♪ And who but my lady... ♪
116
00:05:26,622 --> 00:05:29,694
Oh, what's going on here?! Ha!
117
00:05:29,694 --> 00:05:32,318
♪ ..Alas, my love
118
00:05:32,318 --> 00:05:34,174
♪ That you should own
119
00:05:34,174 --> 00:05:37,374
♪ A heart of wanton vanity... ♪ Huh?
120
00:05:37,374 --> 00:05:38,462
Ha-ha!
121
00:05:38,462 --> 00:05:39,874
Roger... What? Look.
122
00:05:39,874 --> 00:05:41,022
There's your mum...
123
00:05:41,022 --> 00:05:42,686
Oh, my God!
124
00:05:42,686 --> 00:05:43,902
It's Roger...
125
00:05:43,902 --> 00:05:45,694
and Bob!
126
00:05:45,694 --> 00:05:46,974
Good grief!
127
00:05:46,974 --> 00:05:48,766
Hello, Mrs Stevens! Ha-ha!
128
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,814
Shh, you'll embarrass her!
129
00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:54,846
Ah, and the kidnapper.
Yeah, the tall stalker!
130
00:05:54,846 --> 00:05:57,726
Hello, tall stalker!
131
00:05:57,726 --> 00:05:59,966
Very determined tall stalker.
132
00:05:59,966 --> 00:06:02,974
You've got to tell your
son to let me sing at night,
133
00:06:02,974 --> 00:06:04,766
like Frank Sinatra!
134
00:06:04,766 --> 00:06:07,714
Well, I would,
but he never listens to me!
135
00:06:09,566 --> 00:06:11,434
Let's go.
- What?!
136
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:14,302
It's only a bit of fun!
Yeah, but people are looking, right?
137
00:06:14,302 --> 00:06:17,194
Let's go.
- No, you go. I'm staying.
138
00:06:17,194 --> 00:06:20,894
What for? Because he's having
a go, he's doing his best.
139
00:06:20,894 --> 00:06:22,366
Like when he was third camel
140
00:06:22,366 --> 00:06:25,502
in the nativity play, right?
Yes, exactly like that, yes.
141
00:06:25,502 --> 00:06:27,550
Right, well, I'm off.
142
00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:30,394
Come on, Phil, come and join us!
143
00:06:30,394 --> 00:06:32,478
He was Choirboy of the Year, you know.
144
00:06:32,478 --> 00:06:34,846
Aye, until they found out
where the noise was coming from!
145
00:06:36,574 --> 00:06:41,438
♪ ..Greensleeves was all my joy
146
00:06:41,438 --> 00:06:45,854
♪ Greensleeves was my delight
147
00:06:45,854 --> 00:06:49,246
♪ Greensleeves was my heart of gold
148
00:06:49,246 --> 00:07:03,646
♪ Oh, my lady Greensleeves... ♪
149
00:07:03,646 --> 00:07:06,782
Oh! Ha! Ah, Bertie!
150
00:07:06,782 --> 00:07:08,254
He seems to be fascinated
151
00:07:08,254 --> 00:07:10,622
by your feet.
- Well, now, this is new.
152
00:07:10,622 --> 00:07:11,914
Oh, very smart, look at it!
153
00:07:11,914 --> 00:07:14,334
Ah, yes, Sandra turned up with it
154
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:17,086
for him.
- Yeah, very Sandra too.
155
00:07:17,086 --> 00:07:18,814
Yes, they've become great friends.
156
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:22,142
She's always bringing him some sort
of treat or other. Nothing that's
157
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,574
actually any good for him, of course.
- Well, of course not.
158
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,302
So, where are you off to, then?
159
00:07:26,302 --> 00:07:28,542
Oh, somewhere in the sun.
160
00:07:28,542 --> 00:07:30,526
You know, somewhere defensible.
161
00:07:30,526 --> 00:07:34,814
Defensible? Well,
with a moat and drawbridge.
162
00:07:34,814 --> 00:07:37,054
Roger! Mmm.
163
00:07:37,054 --> 00:07:40,894
Yes, I saw him in town
the other day, singing.
164
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:45,758
You don't think he's certifiable,
do you? No, I don't think so.
165
00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:48,446
Do you? In optimistic moments, yes.
166
00:07:48,446 --> 00:07:52,094
You know we're leaving him here,
I mean, in charge of Edith's house?
167
00:07:52,094 --> 00:07:55,742
Well, whatever is wrong with him,
and I'm not sure what that is,
168
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:58,366
perhaps leaving him in charge
of the house on his own terms
169
00:07:58,366 --> 00:08:02,674
might help sort himself out a bit.
170
00:08:02,674 --> 00:08:04,062
I'm going to miss you, Jack.
171
00:08:04,062 --> 00:08:06,394
Ah, I'll miss you too, Phil.
172
00:08:06,394 --> 00:08:08,542
You must visit, bring the hound.
173
00:08:08,542 --> 00:08:10,014
Well, I don't think being in the sun
174
00:08:10,014 --> 00:08:11,554
would be too much good for this one.
175
00:08:11,554 --> 00:08:15,034
I think a damp English spring is more
his mark. - Ah.
176
00:08:15,034 --> 00:08:18,782
Anyway, he'd only insist
on flying first class!
177
00:08:18,782 --> 00:08:27,422
Well, quite right too!
178
00:08:27,422 --> 00:08:31,838
You know, I've been thinking,
maybe it's a sign. Ha!
179
00:08:31,838 --> 00:08:36,574
A sign?!Phil's house not shifting.
180
00:08:36,574 --> 00:08:38,494
Maybe it's not meant to be.
181
00:08:38,494 --> 00:08:40,222
Not the right time.
182
00:08:40,222 --> 00:08:42,654
When would be the right time?
183
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:45,662
Well, for a start, there's Roger.
184
00:08:45,662 --> 00:08:49,758
He's not what you'd call normal,
is he? Well, he's better.
185
00:08:49,758 --> 00:08:52,318
A bit better.
186
00:08:52,318 --> 00:08:54,046
And then there's Sandra.
187
00:08:54,046 --> 00:08:56,734
She works so hard.
188
00:08:56,734 --> 00:08:59,102
She's a clever girl...
189
00:08:59,102 --> 00:09:01,662
..but she's not as
strong as she makes out.
190
00:09:01,662 --> 00:09:04,234
She needs you more
than you realise, Edith.
191
00:09:04,234 --> 00:09:07,114
Yes, I do worry about Sandra.
192
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:10,878
It's not as if you even know
where you're off to, is it?
193
00:09:10,878 --> 00:09:13,054
Yeah, but that's part of
the big adventure! Mmm,
194
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:16,958
Phil's big adventure.
- Hey, mine too!
195
00:09:16,958 --> 00:09:20,222
Think of all the places
you've lived over the years.
196
00:09:20,222 --> 00:09:22,354
Well, now it's my turn.
197
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:26,686
The truth is, I've been so happy,
198
00:09:26,686 --> 00:09:32,194
coming here, feeling I'm
part of a family again.
199
00:09:32,194 --> 00:09:36,634
I'm going to miss you so much, Edith.
- I'll miss you too, Queenie,
200
00:09:36,634 --> 00:09:38,526
but it's not as if
we'll be gone forever.
201
00:09:38,526 --> 00:09:42,558
Well, as far as Phil's
concerned, it's forever.
202
00:09:42,558 --> 00:09:45,822
Why don't you tell him you
just need a bit more time,
203
00:09:45,822 --> 00:09:49,534
to get things settled? I can't.
204
00:09:49,534 --> 00:10:03,934
He says it's now or never.
205
00:10:03,934 --> 00:10:06,302
Queenie! Oh, hello, Sandra. Ha-ha!
206
00:10:06,302 --> 00:10:09,566
Long day? Oh, no,
this is our usual time.
207
00:10:09,566 --> 00:10:11,294
No rest for the wicked, eh?
208
00:10:11,294 --> 00:10:13,234
I've just been past the estate agent.
209
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:16,606
I see they've dropped the price of
Phil's house. - Have they?!
210
00:10:16,606 --> 00:10:18,910
A lot.
- Really?!
211
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:22,366
And they haven't even had
one of those open-house days.
212
00:10:22,366 --> 00:10:23,794
No, they haven't, have they?
213
00:10:23,794 --> 00:10:27,038
Why not? Phil refused.
- Oh!
214
00:10:27,038 --> 00:10:29,674
They can really work, those.
- Yeah.
215
00:10:29,674 --> 00:10:32,926
And it's the sort of thing
you'd do brilliantly, Sandra.
216
00:10:32,926 --> 00:10:35,806
I know how much store
you set by presentation.
217
00:10:35,806 --> 00:10:39,454
Everything, Queenie. It is everything.
218
00:10:39,454 --> 00:10:41,886
Who's it with now? Percy and Noble.
219
00:10:41,886 --> 00:10:43,934
Oh, Roland Percy.
I was at school with him.
220
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,366
I can imagine the sort of
viewing day he'd put on.
221
00:10:46,366 --> 00:10:48,994
He has the imagination
of a used tea bag!
222
00:10:48,994 --> 00:10:53,794
Still, seems criminal to throw
away an opportunity like this.
223
00:10:53,794 --> 00:10:59,554
Yeah. It does, doesn't it?
224
00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:02,366
That was our best
early-morning session so far.
225
00:11:02,366 --> 00:11:04,234
Listen... Boop!
226
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:08,074
Ha-ha! We could be huge!
227
00:11:08,074 --> 00:11:11,390
We could go on the X Factor. We could.
228
00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:14,794
Whatever that is.
229
00:11:14,794 --> 00:11:17,662
Are you sure about this pitch, Bob?
230
00:11:17,662 --> 00:11:19,902
The naked ladies? Why?
231
00:11:19,902 --> 00:11:22,718
Well, isn't it,
sort of, private property?
232
00:11:22,718 --> 00:11:25,726
Roger, we are artists.
233
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:28,222
Art knows no bounds.
234
00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:31,834
Anyway, I love the naked ladies.
235
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:51,070
Eh? Ha!
236
00:11:51,070 --> 00:11:54,782
♪ Daisy, Daisy
237
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:58,174
♪ Give me your heart to do
238
00:11:58,174 --> 00:12:01,594
♪ I'm half crazy
239
00:12:01,594 --> 00:12:04,958
♪ Oh, but I love you
240
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:08,350
♪ It won't be a stylish marriage
241
00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:12,190
♪ I can't afford a carriage
242
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:15,326
♪ But you look sweet upon the street
243
00:12:15,326 --> 00:12:18,994
♪ On a bicycle made for two! ♪
244
00:12:21,154 --> 00:12:22,430
More! More!
245
00:12:22,430 --> 00:12:27,230
Once more, by popular demand.
This time, let's hear you properly!
246
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:29,150
One, two, three...
247
00:12:29,150 --> 00:12:33,118
♪ Daisy, Daisy
248
00:12:33,118 --> 00:12:36,446
♪ Give me your heart to do
249
00:12:36,446 --> 00:12:41,438
♪ I'm half crazy... ♪
250
00:12:41,438 --> 00:12:43,294
Oh, here we go, here we go!
251
00:12:43,294 --> 00:12:49,246
We'll be back! Agh!
Never fear, we'll be back! Oh, yes.
252
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:55,714
No, stop...
253
00:13:01,662 --> 00:13:03,902
Ah... Ah...
254
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:05,694
Oh!
255
00:13:05,694 --> 00:13:07,294
Oh!
256
00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:11,326
Agh! Bob?
257
00:13:11,326 --> 00:13:13,502
Bob, are you all right?
258
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:14,974
Bob?
259
00:13:14,974 --> 00:13:16,126
Oh, my God!
260
00:13:16,126 --> 00:13:19,902
HELP! HELP!
261
00:13:19,902 --> 00:13:22,334
Mr Dugdale, look!
Something's happened to him.
262
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:27,582
I think he's fallen over.
263
00:13:27,582 --> 00:13:30,014
Call an ambulance.
264
00:13:30,014 --> 00:13:42,238
Er... 999!999.
265
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,222
Yes, hello. Er, yeah, er...
266
00:13:44,222 --> 00:13:45,514
What?
267
00:13:45,514 --> 00:13:47,166
Er, ambulance.
268
00:13:47,166 --> 00:13:51,774
Phil, these open-house days always work.
Always. - Always.
269
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:53,502
They create a sense of competition.
270
00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:55,294
Exactly what I told him!
271
00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:59,454
And you know that your house is
seriously undervalued now? Is it?
272
00:13:59,454 --> 00:14:02,142
Phil! Yeah, he could
get a lot more for it.
273
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,766
I'd no idea. Phil,
we should have discussed this.
274
00:14:04,766 --> 00:14:07,474
You know, what I don't
quite get is why everyone has
275
00:14:07,474 --> 00:14:09,634
such a strong opinion about my house,
276
00:14:09,634 --> 00:14:11,742
because, after all, it is my house
277
00:14:11,742 --> 00:14:13,726
and if I want to make
a hash of selling it,
278
00:14:13,726 --> 00:14:16,990
that's my business.
Well, mine and Edith's.
279
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,038
I'm her daughter, her next of kin.
280
00:14:19,038 --> 00:14:21,406
All right, you can
have a very little say.
281
00:14:21,406 --> 00:14:23,518
And I'm her guardian angel.
282
00:14:23,518 --> 00:14:27,614
And what exactly does that entail?
Well, you wouldn't want me
283
00:14:27,614 --> 00:14:29,854
not to have a guardian angel, would you?
284
00:14:29,854 --> 00:14:34,846
Once again, I feel myself
slowly sinking out of my depth.
285
00:14:34,846 --> 00:14:37,114
I've got a proposition.
Oh, there's a surprise!
286
00:14:37,114 --> 00:14:39,326
What is the lowest that
you'd be happy with?
287
00:14:39,326 --> 00:14:41,502
1.3, if it's a quick sale.
288
00:14:41,502 --> 00:14:45,470
But you'd be even happier with 1.8?
And I'd be even happier with nine!
289
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:50,718
Quick sale, anything
over 1.3, you give me 20%.
290
00:14:50,718 --> 00:14:52,382
And why would I do that?
291
00:14:52,382 --> 00:14:55,474
Because unlike your
unimaginative estate agent,
292
00:14:55,474 --> 00:14:58,462
I will create an
unforgettable viewing day.
293
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:01,474
Wine, flowers, music.
294
00:15:01,474 --> 00:15:04,354
Nibbles from Patisserie de Lyon.
295
00:15:04,354 --> 00:15:08,794
And... people really fall for that?
296
00:15:08,794 --> 00:15:11,006
Yes!
297
00:15:11,006 --> 00:15:19,006
You've got it all
figured out, haven't you?
298
00:15:19,006 --> 00:15:20,606
Bob!
299
00:15:20,606 --> 00:15:22,974
We need you, Bob!
300
00:15:22,974 --> 00:15:26,686
For God's sake, will you
get that thing out of here?!
301
00:15:26,686 --> 00:15:28,286
He can't. I've got a mind of my own!
302
00:15:28,286 --> 00:15:30,974
Thank God you were there,
you being a doctor and everything.
303
00:15:30,974 --> 00:15:32,574
A long retired doctor.
304
00:15:32,574 --> 00:15:34,302
Yes, but he might have died.
305
00:15:34,302 --> 00:15:36,670
That would have really freaked me out.
- It would.
306
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,462
I wouldn't have been too happy, either.
307
00:15:38,462 --> 00:15:40,766
I would have blamed myself
for the rest of my life.
308
00:15:40,766 --> 00:15:42,046
I'd never have got over it.
309
00:15:42,046 --> 00:15:43,134
Well, me neither!
310
00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:45,566
Well, you'd be dead,
you wouldn't have to get over anything.
311
00:15:45,566 --> 00:15:47,038
Oh, that's very consoling!
312
00:15:47,038 --> 00:15:48,958
Right. Well, I'll leave you two to it.
313
00:15:48,958 --> 00:15:50,046
Goodbye, Methuselah!
314
00:16:04,446 --> 00:16:09,118
So, we're all pitching in,
so they can be off as soon as poss.
315
00:16:09,118 --> 00:16:10,974
I'm all for that. I know.
316
00:16:10,974 --> 00:16:14,434
That's why I was thinking
you might like to help out
317
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:15,646
on the day.
318
00:16:15,646 --> 00:16:17,630
Help?
319
00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:19,934
Would there be any..?
320
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,278
Payment?
321
00:16:21,278 --> 00:16:22,942
Oh, Roger!
322
00:16:22,942 --> 00:16:25,714
This is called helping someone out.
323
00:16:25,714 --> 00:16:27,166
Doing them a favour.
324
00:16:27,166 --> 00:16:28,446
Oh.
325
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:32,222
There'll be a lot of people there,
so I was thinking it might be nice
326
00:16:32,222 --> 00:16:34,718
if there was a bit of background music.
327
00:16:34,718 --> 00:16:36,958
Well, Methuselah could do music.
328
00:16:36,958 --> 00:16:38,366
Yes, I could.
329
00:16:38,366 --> 00:16:42,462
Oh, Roger, what a good idea!
330
00:16:42,462 --> 00:16:57,502
Yeah!
331
00:16:57,502 --> 00:16:59,870
You're already a practising counsellor?
332
00:16:59,870 --> 00:17:02,110
Well, in a way, yes, I am.
333
00:17:02,110 --> 00:17:03,966
Um, you see...
334
00:17:03,966 --> 00:17:08,062
I've been through a great deal
myself, one way and another,
335
00:17:08,062 --> 00:17:10,494
so I understand pain and loss.
336
00:17:10,494 --> 00:17:13,310
But no actual qualifications?
337
00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:16,894
I'd say I'm more qualified than
most, with all my experience.
338
00:17:16,894 --> 00:17:19,390
I'm always giving
people advice. Are you?
339
00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:26,878
Oh, all the time.
340
00:17:26,878 --> 00:17:29,694
..we find ourselves at downward dog.
341
00:17:29,694 --> 00:17:33,022
Downward dog, right leg up.
342
00:17:33,022 --> 00:17:34,238
Three-legged dog.
343
00:17:34,238 --> 00:17:39,934
Three-legged dog.
344
00:17:55,742 --> 00:18:00,634
The thing is, I find the people
who come to creative writing classes
345
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:03,678
tend to not be very...
346
00:18:03,678 --> 00:18:06,046
Not very good at confrontation.
347
00:18:06,046 --> 00:18:07,902
I'm sorry, I've forgotten
your name already.
348
00:18:07,902 --> 00:18:09,822
Wendy.
- Oh, yes, Wendy.
349
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,194
Why don't you come and sit here?
350
00:18:11,194 --> 00:18:13,022
Thank you.
351
00:18:13,022 --> 00:18:14,814
I think we all know that feeling.
352
00:18:14,814 --> 00:18:17,074
I certainly do.
353
00:18:17,074 --> 00:18:18,526
Vicky.
354
00:18:18,526 --> 00:18:20,382
Confrontation.
355
00:18:20,382 --> 00:18:22,366
What's your experience?
356
00:18:22,366 --> 00:18:25,182
My ex-husband!
357
00:18:25,182 --> 00:18:26,782
Rebecca?
358
00:18:26,782 --> 00:18:29,086
My ex-husband!
359
00:18:29,086 --> 00:18:30,366
Norman?
360
00:18:30,366 --> 00:18:34,846
My ex-husband!
361
00:18:34,846 --> 00:18:36,446
Wendy?
362
00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:48,286
My ex-husband!
363
00:18:48,286 --> 00:18:49,438
Oh!
364
00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:51,550
Mr Percy!
365
00:18:51,550 --> 00:18:53,662
Quick snifter before the off?
366
00:18:53,662 --> 00:18:55,902
A what? Hello, Roland.
367
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,694
Sandra!
368
00:18:57,694 --> 00:18:59,742
What is all this? What's going on?
369
00:18:59,742 --> 00:19:02,942
This is to help your open day
to go with a swing and zing.
370
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,990
Swing and zing?
371
00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:06,206
Who authorised all this?
372
00:19:06,206 --> 00:19:18,622
The owner of the house.
373
00:19:18,622 --> 00:19:21,054
♪ This old house once knew his children
374
00:19:21,054 --> 00:19:23,806
♪ This old house once knew his wife
375
00:19:23,806 --> 00:19:26,686
♪ This old house was home and comfort
376
00:19:26,686 --> 00:19:29,194
♪ As they fought the storms of life
377
00:19:29,194 --> 00:19:32,062
♪ This old house once rang with laughter
378
00:19:32,062 --> 00:19:34,366
♪ This old house heard many shouts
379
00:19:34,366 --> 00:19:37,118
♪ Now he trembles in the darkness
380
00:19:37,118 --> 00:19:39,806
♪ When the lightnin' walks about
381
00:19:39,806 --> 00:19:42,174
♪ Ain't gonna need this house no longer
382
00:19:42,174 --> 00:19:45,394
♪ Ain't gonna need
this house no more... ♪
383
00:19:45,394 --> 00:19:49,982
Hello, again!
384
00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:51,582
Smoked salmon?
385
00:19:51,582 --> 00:19:58,046
Oh, thank you.
386
00:19:58,046 --> 00:19:59,454
Oh, thank you.
387
00:19:59,454 --> 00:20:00,874
These are delicious.
388
00:20:00,874 --> 00:20:03,934
It's a super house,
isn't it? Oh, yes, it is.
389
00:20:03,934 --> 00:20:06,366
It's so quiet and peaceful.
390
00:20:06,366 --> 00:20:07,390
Very peaceful.
391
00:20:07,390 --> 00:20:08,798
Magical.
392
00:20:08,798 --> 00:20:10,234
Oh, have another? Oh.
393
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:12,574
There's a lovely aroma everywhere.
394
00:20:12,574 --> 00:20:13,918
I can't quite think what it is.
395
00:20:13,918 --> 00:20:17,566
That will be the potpourri.
396
00:20:17,566 --> 00:20:19,678
Home-made from flowers in the garden.
397
00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:21,470
Oh, do go and have a look at the garden.
398
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:27,678
It really is quite special.
399
00:20:27,678 --> 00:20:29,726
We've got them in every room.
400
00:20:29,726 --> 00:20:31,902
How lovely.
401
00:20:31,902 --> 00:20:35,434
And they really do the job, thank
goodness. - The job?
402
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:38,686
They cut right through the usual smell.
403
00:20:38,686 --> 00:20:39,646
Smell?
404
00:20:39,646 --> 00:20:40,926
The damp.
405
00:20:40,926 --> 00:20:42,526
They've had it for years.
406
00:20:42,526 --> 00:20:45,154
And you just can't shift
it when you've got it,
407
00:20:45,154 --> 00:20:46,814
can you?
408
00:20:46,814 --> 00:20:48,862
No.
409
00:20:48,862 --> 00:20:57,758
No, I don't suppose you can.
410
00:20:57,758 --> 00:20:58,974
Oh.
411
00:20:58,974 --> 00:21:02,174
Would you care for a
glass of quality tipple?
412
00:21:02,174 --> 00:21:10,174
Thank you.
413
00:21:10,174 --> 00:21:11,966
Mmm, first-rate.
414
00:21:11,966 --> 00:21:17,022
Yes, pity you can't say the same about
the house. - Oh?
415
00:21:17,022 --> 00:21:20,222
Oh, don't get me wrong,
it's a lovely house,
416
00:21:20,222 --> 00:21:25,150
but it's just its past,
its tragic history.
417
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:26,194
What's that?
418
00:21:26,194 --> 00:21:27,646
Oh, I'm sorry.
419
00:21:27,646 --> 00:21:33,086
Call me superstitious,
but I wouldn't want to live here.
420
00:21:33,086 --> 00:21:35,006
No.
421
00:21:35,006 --> 00:21:45,246
Oh, dear.
422
00:21:45,246 --> 00:21:47,166
Oh!
423
00:21:47,166 --> 00:21:50,046
Ooh! Don't worry,
we're not here for long.
424
00:21:50,046 --> 00:21:52,222
Any offers? Offers?
425
00:21:52,222 --> 00:21:54,846
On the house? The house!
426
00:21:54,846 --> 00:22:13,918
Oh, it's all going
swimming... swimmingly.
427
00:22:13,918 --> 00:22:16,222
They got them all over
the place, the whole house.
428
00:22:16,222 --> 00:22:20,074
It's got this terrible
smell they can't get rid of.
429
00:22:20,074 --> 00:22:22,046
Terrible smell?!
430
00:22:22,046 --> 00:22:25,502
There's never been any kind of
bad smell in this house, ever.
431
00:22:25,502 --> 00:22:28,766
It's what I was told.
432
00:22:30,622 --> 00:22:38,314
♪ There is a house in Twickenham... ♪
433
00:22:38,314 --> 00:22:40,954
Phil! Phil, no!
434
00:22:40,954 --> 00:22:52,714
Run!
435
00:22:54,878 --> 00:23:00,574
I'd say this is one of the best,
wouldn't you? I think so.
436
00:23:00,574 --> 00:23:02,558
Hello! Come and join us.
437
00:23:02,558 --> 00:23:04,670
Yes, do sit down.
- Ah, thank you.
438
00:23:04,670 --> 00:23:06,334
I'm off for more.
Can I get you anything?
439
00:23:06,334 --> 00:23:07,954
No, no. I've already eaten, thank you.
440
00:23:07,954 --> 00:23:09,790
The prawns are lovely.
441
00:23:09,790 --> 00:23:12,926
Ah, good, good.
442
00:23:12,926 --> 00:23:14,590
So...
443
00:23:14,590 --> 00:23:15,806
What do you think of it?
444
00:23:15,806 --> 00:23:17,554
Delicious, a real cut above.
445
00:23:17,554 --> 00:23:19,774
The ham's a bit salty.
446
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:22,014
Oh, I'm so sorry.
447
00:23:22,014 --> 00:23:23,806
What do you think about the house?
448
00:23:23,806 --> 00:23:25,086
Oh, the house.
449
00:23:25,086 --> 00:23:27,902
Oh, well... Not for me.
450
00:23:27,902 --> 00:23:29,246
Funny atmosphere.
451
00:23:29,246 --> 00:23:31,550
Really? My wife picks things up.
452
00:23:31,550 --> 00:23:34,046
Well, funny in what way?
453
00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:36,994
Daphne finds it a bit, um...
454
00:23:36,994 --> 00:23:39,102
Cold? No, no, um...
455
00:23:39,102 --> 00:23:41,278
Spooky.
456
00:23:41,278 --> 00:23:43,518
Spooky?! And then there's the smell.
457
00:23:43,518 --> 00:23:44,734
What smell?
458
00:23:44,734 --> 00:23:47,194
I think there was a death.
459
00:23:47,194 --> 00:23:49,982
As I said, Daphne picks these things up.
460
00:23:49,982 --> 00:23:52,030
What smell? The damp.
461
00:23:52,030 --> 00:23:53,246
There's no smell of damp!
462
00:23:53,246 --> 00:23:54,874
That's because of all these.
463
00:23:54,874 --> 00:23:56,894
The a smell of damp's
coming from those?!
464
00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:58,750
No, that's why you don't smell it!
465
00:23:58,750 --> 00:24:03,230
Would anyone like a prawn?
466
00:24:03,230 --> 00:24:06,430
Actually, I think the smell is...
467
00:24:06,430 --> 00:24:09,054
Is probably the dead body.
468
00:24:09,054 --> 00:24:10,654
You see! Well done, Daphne.
469
00:24:10,654 --> 00:24:12,382
Mind you, it is eight years ago.
470
00:24:12,382 --> 00:24:13,726
What happened? Tragic.
471
00:24:13,726 --> 00:24:15,394
It was a middle-aged woman.
472
00:24:15,394 --> 00:24:16,606
Wardrobe.
473
00:24:16,606 --> 00:24:19,486
Fell on her.
- Oh! Oh, what a mess.
474
00:24:19,486 --> 00:24:20,766
Took us a month to clean it up.
475
00:24:20,766 --> 00:24:23,582
You seem to know a lot about it.
476
00:24:23,582 --> 00:24:25,758
Well, I was there. You were there? Yes.
477
00:24:25,758 --> 00:24:30,238
I pushed the wardrobe.
478
00:24:30,238 --> 00:24:33,054
I was her husband!
479
00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:36,318
So, Phil Parton, hello,
I'm the owner of the house.
480
00:24:36,318 --> 00:24:37,726
Now!
481
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:40,414
That's why the house is
haunted, quite right.
482
00:24:40,414 --> 00:24:42,846
So, let me get you some dessert.
483
00:24:42,846 --> 00:24:44,382
What would... Who would like what?
484
00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:48,286
I sense there are many levels
of sorrow to this story.
485
00:24:48,286 --> 00:24:49,502
No, no, there aren't.
486
00:24:49,502 --> 00:24:51,102
No, I hated the bitch.
487
00:24:51,102 --> 00:24:53,794
And all's well now
because now she's dead,
488
00:24:53,794 --> 00:24:59,422
you see, I've been able to
turn it into a RESTAURANT!
489
00:24:59,422 --> 00:25:01,022
Oh, anyone for dessert?
490
00:25:01,022 --> 00:25:04,606
Hello?! Anyone for DESSERT?!
491
00:25:04,606 --> 00:25:07,422
♪ Good-bye-ee! Good-bye-ee!
492
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:13,502
♪ Wipe a tear,
baby dear, from your eye-ee
493
00:25:13,502 --> 00:25:15,514
♪ Tho' it's hard to part, I know
494
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,598
♪ I'll be tickled to death when you go
495
00:25:17,598 --> 00:25:19,966
♪ Good-bye-ee! Good-bye-ee!
496
00:25:19,966 --> 00:25:37,246
♪ There's a silver
lining in the sky-ee... ♪
497
00:25:37,246 --> 00:25:41,086
You know, sometimes these
things turn out for the best.
498
00:25:41,086 --> 00:25:42,942
What the hell's that supposed to mean?
499
00:25:42,942 --> 00:25:45,394
It's just not meant to be.
500
00:25:45,394 --> 00:25:47,102
Kismet.
501
00:25:47,102 --> 00:25:49,234
You never know. I mean...
502
00:25:49,234 --> 00:25:52,286
Someone might come
back and make an offer.
503
00:25:52,286 --> 00:25:54,526
Oh, yeah, that's really going to happen
504
00:25:54,526 --> 00:25:57,598
You must admit,
they were a strange bunch.
505
00:25:57,598 --> 00:26:01,054
I mean, going on about the
smell and the damp, and...
506
00:26:01,054 --> 00:26:04,594
I mean, where did they get that from?
507
00:26:04,594 --> 00:26:10,594
That's people for you, isn't it?
508
00:26:10,594 --> 00:26:49,714
Wait till I get my hands on his...
509
00:26:49,714 --> 00:27:22,974
Where's Phil?
36534
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