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This programme contains
strong language
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IN SLOW, GENTLE VOICE:
Welcome. Good evening, everyone.
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,039
Before we start,
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let's set an intention
for the class.
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Be grateful for being on the mat.
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00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,120
Does anyone have any injuries?
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00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,919
Sometimes my knees get
a little stiff,
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00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:31,679
and other times
my neck gives me a lot of gyp.
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00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,559
Ah! Yes. I can see my flatmate
has come to support me.
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Should be an interesting class,
since she had three curries
less than six hours ago.
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00:00:39,353 --> 00:00:42,353
Yes. Three.
Fucksake.
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Not whole ones. I didn't finish them.
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LIVELY THEME MUSIC
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For subtitling services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
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I see you came to sabotage my class,
you arse.
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Nooo. "See how kind and gentle I am,
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00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,319
with my pretend
kind-angel whisper voice."
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I speak mindfully because I want the
class to be peaceful and relaxing.
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IN SLOW, GENTLE VOICE:
It was so great.
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Um, you can talk! I heard you
on the phone to Mark's mum.
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IN POSH VOICE:
"Um, yes, I agree, Jo."
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"One mustn't forget
the accoutrements."
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What? I did not say accoutrements.
Carol, you posh up!
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Of all people! No, no, no, no.
It's how it starts.
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You get a little posh boyfriend...
No! ..a little bit of tweed,
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a smidge, then you're head to toe
in it, shooting birds out the sky
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for no reason! So, what -
you've never moderated your voice
28
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,679
or your tone
when you speak to someone?
29
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,799
No.
But you're a actor, for God's sake.
30
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,439
At work, obviously.
But in real life? No.
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00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,399
I bet that affects
the auditions you get.
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00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,599
I haven't got to worry about it.
I don't have an agent,
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so I don't have auditions.
Thank you. Looks great.
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00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,626
So, what we up to after this?
Friday night!
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00:01:51,627 --> 00:01:54,106
I am going to Mark's.
I am gonna stay around your mum's
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00:01:54,107 --> 00:01:57,626
and help Billy move into his new
flat with Simon Skinny Pig tomorrow.
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00:01:57,627 --> 00:02:00,786
You know, I can't believe
he's finally bought somewhere.
38
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:04,426
Anyone can save up for a deposit
if they move home for five years
and don't pay a penny rent!
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Am I right?!
THEY LAUGH
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00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:09,146
Well, maybe us three should try
and buy somewhere together.
41
00:02:09,147 --> 00:02:11,746
We'd probably need about what -
15 grand each for a deposit?
42
00:02:11,747 --> 00:02:14,626
Where are we gonna get
that kind of dough, sweeties?
43
00:02:14,627 --> 00:02:17,146
Actually... Oh, my God!
SHE CHUCKLES
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00:02:17,147 --> 00:02:19,666
Sorry!
I haven't got that much, but close.
45
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:22,066
I'm a saver, baby!
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00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:25,426
Unlike you, spunkin' your money
on needless shit
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that's destroying the planet.
Hey, hey!
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00:02:28,027 --> 00:02:30,347
I don't buy needless shit!
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It slices eggs!
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Where IS that egg-slicer?
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00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:45,986
And I got my investments -
ethical, of course.
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Investments? You've got investments?!
All right, Martin Clunes!
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00:02:50,027 --> 00:02:53,226
Martin Clunes?
Yeah! Er... Apprentice.
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Martin Clunes.
Alan Sugar, not Martin Clunes.
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00:02:56,907 --> 00:02:59,826
You're obsessed with Martin Clunes.
It's a lovely word to say!
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00:02:59,827 --> 00:03:02,946
It should be a real word. Clunes.
I bought some Clunes tonight.
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Clunes... Yeah. It is.
You know, if you're serious, Carol,
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00:03:06,907 --> 00:03:09,026
I think I might have enough
for a deposit too.
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00:03:09,027 --> 00:03:13,026
What?! How dirty are those chakras
you pretend to clean?
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00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,066
My nan. They sold the house.
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00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:18,506
Seems like the only good thing
about dementia is that
she forgot she was a racist.
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00:03:18,507 --> 00:03:21,826
For... I can't believe you didn't
tell me you had investments, Carol.
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00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,906
I've told you repeatedly
I have investments.
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Right! I can't believe you didn't
tell me you had investments, Carol,
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00:03:27,827 --> 00:03:30,466
in a way
that didn't bore me to tears.
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00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:34,026
Well, you're interested now,
aren't you, Marcie-pops -
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00:03:34,027 --> 00:03:36,706
now that we're gonna buy a house
and leave you all on your own,
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00:03:36,707 --> 00:03:40,106
wanking your days away and looking
at puppies you're never gonna buy.
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LUCY CHUCKLES
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That's not funny.
I'm joking.
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00:03:45,507 --> 00:03:48,386
It's not funny.
Martin Clunes!
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SHE GIGGLES Dickhead.
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00:03:56,227 --> 00:03:58,106
Hey.
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00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,906
Hey! How you doing?
I, er...
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00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,826
I brought your cardigan.
Thanks.
76
00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:06,106
It was period...
Periods, yeah.
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00:04:06,107 --> 00:04:09,627
They're just... Yeah! Periods are...
Um, just...
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00:04:10,827 --> 00:04:12,826
OK.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
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00:04:12,827 --> 00:04:16,706
Ooh! Um...
Let's get the show on the road. OK.
80
00:04:16,707 --> 00:04:20,146
Hey. Am I, er... Am I the show?
Yes.
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00:04:20,147 --> 00:04:22,547
Yes, you are the show, Marcella.
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00:04:26,187 --> 00:04:29,306
And we're done.
Cool!
83
00:04:29,307 --> 00:04:32,106
So, er...
what you up to at the weekend?
84
00:04:32,107 --> 00:04:35,066
You hittin' the clubs?
Shakin' your boot-ay?
85
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:38,666
No. No!
I'm just gonna stay in... tonight,
86
00:04:38,667 --> 00:04:41,666
er, watch a film, get a pizza.
87
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:44,506
What about you?
Same.
88
00:04:44,507 --> 00:04:46,787
Same, I think.
89
00:04:48,027 --> 00:04:50,186
What are you gonna watch?
90
00:04:50,187 --> 00:04:54,147
Um, I don't know.
I was thinking maybe Steel Magnolias?
91
00:04:55,387 --> 00:04:58,146
Maybe we could...
No.
92
00:04:58,147 --> 00:05:01,306
No. Actually I do have stuff to do.
93
00:05:01,307 --> 00:05:03,386
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
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00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,866
My tutor, Clarice, has -
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00:05:05,867 --> 00:05:08,146
IN HANNIBAL LECTER VOICE:
"Hello, Clarice." What?
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00:05:08,147 --> 00:05:11,786
Silence Of The Lambs.
I've never heard anyone
called Clarice in real life.
97
00:05:11,787 --> 00:05:16,906
Right. Er... OK. Um, yeah. Well...
Er, Clarice -
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00:05:16,907 --> 00:05:19,426
"Do you still hear the lambs,
Clarice?"
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00:05:19,427 --> 00:05:21,706
Sorry!
SHE LAUGHS / CLEARS HER THROAT
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Sorry. I won't interrupt. Sorry.
OK.
101
00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:27,506
Um, Clarice...
102
00:05:27,507 --> 00:05:31,346
has asked me just if I would like
to display some of my paintings
103
00:05:31,347 --> 00:05:33,666
at this exhibition in a few weeks.
What?!
104
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,786
SHE GASPS
I can come and see your work.
105
00:05:35,787 --> 00:05:39,146
Um, I'm... not sure...
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00:05:39,147 --> 00:05:41,506
..I want people I know to come.
107
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,826
Yeah, no. That makes loa-...
That makes perfect sense.
108
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:47,546
That's totally fine. Honestly,
I get it. You're driving really well.
109
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:50,226
What?
What did you fail on again?
110
00:05:50,227 --> 00:05:52,266
The examiner would've written it
on the form.
111
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:55,146
Oh, yeah, she did. It was, um...
It was something... I think...
112
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:58,146
I mean, I thought I did all right.
She... Someone... A squirrel run out,
113
00:05:58,147 --> 00:06:00,466
and I didn't hon-...
I couldn't tell it was a squirrel.
114
00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:02,546
I was, like, "Beep-beep!"
PHONE BUZZES
115
00:06:02,547 --> 00:06:04,626
Oh, sorry. It's Steven.
I need to, er...
116
00:06:04,627 --> 00:06:07,666
Sorry. I need to take this.
Hey, Steve.
117
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,907
Have a nice weekend.
118
00:06:12,867 --> 00:06:14,906
What did you want to talk to me
about, anyway?
119
00:06:14,907 --> 00:06:16,986
I'll tell you tomorrow,
with your father.
120
00:06:16,987 --> 00:06:19,626
Everything's OK, right?
It's fine.
121
00:06:19,627 --> 00:06:23,026
Um, excuse me, pet.
122
00:06:23,027 --> 00:06:26,386
Whose idea was it
to get rid of the handles?
123
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,866
Oh, my God, Mum!
You ask this every time!
124
00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:32,226
Was it a conscious choice
to get rid of them?
125
00:06:32,227 --> 00:06:34,306
Or did they just show up this way?
126
00:06:34,307 --> 00:06:36,466
I don't know anything
about the handles.
127
00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:38,706
You don't seem too concerned
with their whereabouts!
128
00:06:38,707 --> 00:06:40,826
She knows about the handles,
all right!
129
00:06:40,827 --> 00:06:43,066
I am not the first person to ask,
130
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:46,226
"Why am I drinking tea from a bowl?"
131
00:06:46,227 --> 00:06:48,746
SHE LAUGHS Hundred percent.
132
00:06:48,747 --> 00:06:50,986
You know what I think?
I think they DO have handles,
133
00:06:50,987 --> 00:06:53,866
and when they see you walk in,
they just smash them off.
134
00:06:53,867 --> 00:06:55,466
SHE LAUGHS
135
00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:59,106
Good mugs! That's something
I can get for Billy's new flat.
136
00:06:59,107 --> 00:07:02,306
Billy's just like me.
He likes a thick rim.
137
00:07:02,307 --> 00:07:04,346
I heard you like a thick rim.
138
00:07:04,347 --> 00:07:06,866
Oh, grow up, Marcella!
SHE LAUGHS
139
00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:09,906
What are you going to get him?
Er, why would I get Billy a present?
140
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:12,906
A moving-in present!
I gave him the gift of understanding
141
00:07:12,907 --> 00:07:15,866
for moving in with my ex-boyfriend -
who, let's not forget,
142
00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:19,146
I was nearly pregnant with.
Were you a bit disappointed -
143
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:22,226
well, you know,
not to get the ball rolling?
144
00:07:22,227 --> 00:07:24,266
No, Mum! I mean...
145
00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:26,546
why would I be disappointed
not to be pregnant
146
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,386
with my ex-boyfriend,
who is a married man?
147
00:07:29,387 --> 00:07:33,346
I mean... I'm doing better than that.
I'm doing OK!
148
00:07:33,347 --> 00:07:35,867
OK! Sorry! Sorry!
149
00:07:38,387 --> 00:07:40,626
OK, Marcella.
150
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,826
I think, subconsciously,
this pregnancy scare
151
00:07:43,827 --> 00:07:46,826
is just another way of keeping
the driving instructor away,
152
00:07:46,827 --> 00:07:51,306
just like this, er,
mysterious Tania figure.
153
00:07:51,307 --> 00:07:54,826
Tania figure?!
Tan-... Tania's a real woman.
154
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:59,386
She's Simon's very angry wife.
And I really thought I was pregnant.
155
00:07:59,387 --> 00:08:01,626
You must be very relieved.
156
00:08:01,627 --> 00:08:04,546
I dunno.
I mean, would it have been so bad?
157
00:08:04,547 --> 00:08:06,826
My life is embarrassingly empty
of things
158
00:08:06,827 --> 00:08:09,226
an unplanned pregnancy
could actually affect.
159
00:08:09,227 --> 00:08:11,746
Well, what about this relationship
with Rashid?
160
00:08:11,747 --> 00:08:14,786
It would ruin any chances
of that developing.
161
00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:19,906
Have you told him about
passing the test? Rashid?!
162
00:08:19,907 --> 00:08:22,667
Oh, sorry. Is that...
Oh, I must have the wrong notes.
163
00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:26,626
Frances keeps changing things.
Hang on.
164
00:08:26,627 --> 00:08:31,506
I just, um... Ralph! No.
It's, er, Barney.
165
00:08:31,507 --> 00:08:33,906
Jon. Jon.
His name is Jon.
166
00:08:33,907 --> 00:08:35,946
And, no, I haven't told him yet.
I'm...
167
00:08:35,947 --> 00:08:38,066
I wanna wait till
it's less eggy between us
168
00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:40,786
and take the test again.
SHE SIGHS
169
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,226
Where is she today, anyway?
Frances?
170
00:08:43,227 --> 00:08:47,466
Ugh! Got engaged. Glad of the break.
171
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:50,186
What the fuck?! She's 12!
172
00:08:50,187 --> 00:08:52,946
I mean, even SHE'S way ahead of me!
173
00:08:52,947 --> 00:08:56,786
I... I'm so far behind everyone!
In what way do you feel behind?
174
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:59,347
Where did you think you would be
in life now?
175
00:09:00,387 --> 00:09:02,627
SHE SPEAKS CHINESE
176
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:13,907
APPLAUSE
177
00:09:17,627 --> 00:09:19,707
CHEERING
178
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,626
You thought you'd be Chinese?!
179
00:09:22,627 --> 00:09:24,866
No, of course I didn't think
I'd be Chinese.
180
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:27,706
But I thought I would know
some languages.
181
00:09:27,707 --> 00:09:30,226
Chinese might be pushing it,
but a little Spanish, maybe?
182
00:09:30,227 --> 00:09:34,506
Gracias! El gran...
It's not just that. Go on.
183
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,666
I just feel like I'm constantly
trying to get things
184
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:39,426
that don't wanna get got.
185
00:09:39,427 --> 00:09:42,666
The pregnancy scare
has obviously thrown you.
186
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:44,986
But we can see this as a good thing,
187
00:09:44,987 --> 00:09:49,226
showing you where you can push
harder for the things you want.
188
00:09:49,227 --> 00:09:51,746
When opportunity arises,
189
00:09:51,747 --> 00:09:54,706
you need to pounce...
190
00:09:54,707 --> 00:09:57,666
like a lion on skates.
191
00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,346
On skates?
192
00:10:00,347 --> 00:10:03,506
Think what you say, mate.
193
00:10:03,507 --> 00:10:06,107
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
PHONE RINGS
194
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:11,306
Hello?
Oh, hello, Marcella. How are you?
195
00:10:11,307 --> 00:10:14,706
Good, thanks.
I'm eating halloumi.
196
00:10:14,707 --> 00:10:17,906
All right. Great.
197
00:10:17,907 --> 00:10:20,786
Um, I was just phoning to inform
you that I have checked the files,
198
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,106
and you are in fact correct.
I am your agent.
199
00:10:23,107 --> 00:10:27,426
Yeah. I know. I didn't -
I feel very guilty.
200
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:30,266
Um, I think I mentioned,
I was Adderall'd off my tits
201
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:32,346
for four years. Horrible business.
202
00:10:32,347 --> 00:10:34,946
Seems I also signed a group of guys
from Hollyoaks.
203
00:10:34,947 --> 00:10:37,866
Anyway, I wanna help you, darling.
What, like...
204
00:10:37,867 --> 00:10:42,146
be my agent, but, like, properly?
"Yeah. So, refresh my memory."
205
00:10:42,147 --> 00:10:45,666
What kind of roles are you looking
for? What have you done recently?
206
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,906
Um...
207
00:10:47,907 --> 00:10:50,226
You ain't gonna find nuffin',
you filth!
208
00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:52,746
Girls' night! Girls' night!
THEY SHOUT AND CACKLE
209
00:10:52,747 --> 00:10:56,466
THEY SHOUT
DANCE MUSIC POUNDS
210
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:58,787
Will that be all, ma'am?
211
00:11:00,947 --> 00:11:04,146
Well, all kinds of... roles.
212
00:11:04,147 --> 00:11:06,386
Not just gritty stuff. I can do posh.
213
00:11:06,387 --> 00:11:10,786
Well, listen. Look, I would never,
ever normally put you up for this.
214
00:11:10,787 --> 00:11:13,986
Er, small part but great.
Er, lawyer.
215
00:11:13,987 --> 00:11:18,306
Ooh, wow! Lawyer? That's the dream!
216
00:11:18,307 --> 00:11:20,906
Well, you're not at all
what they're looking for in any way,
217
00:11:20,907 --> 00:11:23,746
but by way of apology,
I'll put you in the mix.
218
00:11:23,747 --> 00:11:26,106
That'd be really amazing. Yeah.
"All right, darling."
219
00:11:26,107 --> 00:11:28,626
Apologies again for having forgotten
about you entirely.
220
00:11:28,627 --> 00:11:30,986
Ah, don't worry about that.
Bye! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
221
00:11:30,987 --> 00:11:33,226
Fuckin'...yes!
222
00:11:33,227 --> 00:11:36,347
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
223
00:11:41,027 --> 00:11:44,146
What is he, 31 now? He only scored
nine goals last season.
224
00:11:44,147 --> 00:11:47,266
Christ, Billy,
the man's doing the best he can.
225
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:51,306
That's all anyone can do.
You all right, Dad?
226
00:11:51,307 --> 00:11:53,346
Yeah, I'm OK. I'm OK.
227
00:11:53,347 --> 00:11:55,906
Just have a few things on me mind.
228
00:11:55,907 --> 00:11:58,506
22 chicken dinners, five curries,
229
00:11:58,507 --> 00:12:01,146
eight shepherd's pies,
and a bucket of soup!
230
00:12:01,147 --> 00:12:03,586
Seems like your mum thinks
she's the only one in North London
231
00:12:03,587 --> 00:12:08,306
with a cooker. We, er, ready to go?
Er, just gotta wait for Skinny Pig.
232
00:12:08,307 --> 00:12:12,106
He's gonna drop stuff round
to take in the van, so...
233
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,146
Come here to me.
234
00:12:14,147 --> 00:12:19,307
See this here? You enjoy
this bit of life, you hear me? OK.
235
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,026
Cos this is the good stuff!
236
00:12:23,027 --> 00:12:26,386
The moving in! The chicken dinners!
237
00:12:26,387 --> 00:12:31,146
Right? This...
This is... the stuff!
238
00:12:31,147 --> 00:12:33,626
Billy! Hi, Michael.
239
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:37,266
Jesus Christ!
Is that you, Skinny Pig?
240
00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:39,346
I never would've recognised you
241
00:12:39,347 --> 00:12:41,426
without the eyes rollin'
in the back of your head
242
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,866
and without you stinkin' of shite
an' all.
243
00:12:43,867 --> 00:12:47,386
Well, Michael, I'm 93 days clean now,
so the person you - Ah, that's grand.
244
00:12:47,387 --> 00:12:50,546
Good for you. Now, come here.
Do you think it's a good idea,
245
00:12:50,547 --> 00:12:52,786
you two movin' in together?
Yeah!
246
00:12:52,787 --> 00:12:55,026
Of course.
We're both sober and in recovery.
247
00:12:55,027 --> 00:12:57,066
We're gonna support each other.
Right.
248
00:12:57,067 --> 00:13:01,946
Where's all the stuff you want
dropping off? Oh! Thanks very much.
249
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,747
Is that the lot?
That's the lot.
250
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:10,667
Christ! Come on, then.
251
00:13:12,707 --> 00:13:16,026
"Objection, Your Honour!
This man is a criminal."
252
00:13:16,027 --> 00:13:18,266
IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
This man is a criminal.
253
00:13:18,267 --> 00:13:20,267
PHONE RINGS
254
00:13:22,307 --> 00:13:25,066
RINGING TONE Hey, Jon.
255
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:27,666
Hey! Marcella, hi.
You all right?
256
00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:29,946
Yeah, good. Good. Um...
257
00:13:29,947 --> 00:13:32,226
What are you... What are you up to?
258
00:13:32,227 --> 00:13:35,266
Just doing some research
for an audition I have on Monday.
259
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,185
"A lawyer."
"Great!"
260
00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:39,706
What about you?
Er, yeah. Well, I took your advice.
261
00:13:39,707 --> 00:13:42,711
Watched Steel Magnolias.
Really?! Amazing, right?
262
00:13:42,713 --> 00:13:45,272
So, so sad. Oh, my God.
263
00:13:45,273 --> 00:13:47,632
It's cathartic sad, though, right?
Good sad.
264
00:13:47,633 --> 00:13:50,752
No. No, I just feel really sad.
SHE LAUGHS
265
00:13:50,753 --> 00:13:53,992
I'm glad that's made you laugh.
Um...
266
00:13:53,993 --> 00:13:56,552
Anyway, no. I just wanted to...
267
00:13:56,553 --> 00:13:58,712
I'll see you on Wednesday.
268
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:03,312
OK. I'll see you...
Hey, um - have you seen Beaches?
269
00:14:03,313 --> 00:14:05,592
Er, is it sad?
No. Not sad at all.
270
00:14:05,593 --> 00:14:08,872
Then, I'll give it a go. OK.
Night, Marcella.
271
00:14:08,873 --> 00:14:11,273
OK. Bye bye.
272
00:14:15,753 --> 00:14:18,072
CUTLERY CLATTERS
That was delicious, Mum.
273
00:14:18,073 --> 00:14:22,152
Well, thank you for coming around.
274
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:26,272
Now, this isn't going to be easy,
so I'll need you to be strong.
275
00:14:26,273 --> 00:14:28,472
HE SOBS It's OK!
276
00:14:28,473 --> 00:14:31,552
It's not OK!
I'm frightened, Mums.
277
00:14:31,553 --> 00:14:34,912
Me and your father
are getting divorced.
278
00:14:34,913 --> 00:14:38,192
Wait. What's happening?
You divorced when I was 11. Yeah.
279
00:14:38,193 --> 00:14:41,432
We separated, but we didn't divorce.
280
00:14:41,433 --> 00:14:44,272
Divorcin' me,
after all of these years!
281
00:14:44,273 --> 00:14:46,993
BOTH LAUGH
282
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:51,912
BOTH CONTINUE TO LAUGH
283
00:14:51,913 --> 00:14:54,512
Dad, you've had about 20
live-in girlfriends since you left.
284
00:14:54,513 --> 00:14:57,232
I mean, I don't even bother
to remember their names anymore.
285
00:14:57,233 --> 00:14:59,672
The last one I can think of is
Teeth For Sale Tina.
286
00:14:59,673 --> 00:15:01,752
What you call her
Tina Teeth For Sale for?
287
00:15:01,753 --> 00:15:04,792
Because she always smiled at you like
she was trying to sell you her teeth.
288
00:15:04,793 --> 00:15:08,512
"Hello, Billy! How's school today?
Look at my incis-"... YES!
289
00:15:08,513 --> 00:15:12,112
SHE HAD GREAT TEETH!
But what's that to do with anything?
290
00:15:12,113 --> 00:15:14,672
They all knew I was married!
BOTH LAUGH
291
00:15:14,673 --> 00:15:18,952
You think this is funny?! My fuckin'
marriage is falling apart here!
292
00:15:18,953 --> 00:15:21,312
Dad, are you actually insane?
293
00:15:21,313 --> 00:15:24,072
We've been separated
for over 20 years!
294
00:15:24,073 --> 00:15:26,112
Not in here, Moira!
295
00:15:26,113 --> 00:15:28,992
We haven't been separated in here!
296
00:15:28,993 --> 00:15:31,233
PHONE RINGS
297
00:15:33,273 --> 00:15:35,112
Hello?
298
00:15:35,113 --> 00:15:38,112
Yeah. Hi, Olga.
299
00:15:38,113 --> 00:15:40,512
Yeah, yeah. I'll be home...
I'll be home soon, love.
300
00:15:40,513 --> 00:15:43,312
Huh?
301
00:15:43,313 --> 00:15:47,872
Yeah, I could eat. Yeah.
What's on offer?
302
00:15:47,873 --> 00:15:50,312
All right. I'll have mash, yeah.
No, chips.
303
00:15:50,313 --> 00:15:52,352
Sweet-potato chips.
304
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,718
All right.
We'll scrap the chips, then.
305
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,399
Let's not bother. Yeah.
I'll just have the mash.
306
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,839
Grand. All right.
307
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,920
Yeah. Thanks, love. Bye.
308
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:09,239
Is Olga makin' mash?
Sure, that'll cheer you right up.
309
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:13,199
Mash can't fix this, Moira.
And you know it can't!
310
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,279
This is so mad!
311
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,439
You're gonna be from a broken home
now. You realise that?
312
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,119
When I was nine, I saw you kissing
another woman on Christmas Eve,
313
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,039
and you told me you were getting off
with Santa Claus.
314
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,159
That fucked me up
a lot more than this!
315
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,679
Ah, Jaysus, that was back in
the '90s! I was a sex addict then.
316
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,808
Ohhh! He was. You'd be worried
for the livestock around him,
317
00:16:32,810 --> 00:16:37,049
he had that much of a libido.
Gross! Sex addict? What?!
318
00:16:37,050 --> 00:16:39,409
Well, we didn't have a name
for it back then, did we?
319
00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:42,969
No! I just thought
he was a lying bastard.
320
00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:45,329
I didn't realise.
OK. All right.
321
00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:48,289
Well, look, you have our blessing
to get divorced. But can I say,
322
00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:52,209
this is SO dysfunctional!
It's no wonder that me and Billy
are bad at relationships.
323
00:16:52,210 --> 00:16:55,169
Oh! Hmm...
I'm not bad at relationships.
324
00:16:55,170 --> 00:16:59,569
OK. Er, you've literally just got
out of rehab for the third time,
325
00:16:59,570 --> 00:17:02,929
and you're moving into a house
with two other single men, so...
326
00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:05,289
Yeah, cos Lucy didn't wanna leave
YOU, so... Oh, OK.
327
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:07,569
We were talking about buying
a place together, so...
328
00:17:07,570 --> 00:17:10,769
Yeah, but you have no way of doing
that, so, like everything else...
329
00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:12,889
Would you two stop it?!
..it's just talk.
330
00:17:12,890 --> 00:17:17,169
No, but, actually - Oh,
the cat is shitting on the table.
331
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:20,409
Orlando is that upset,
he's shitting on the table!
332
00:17:20,410 --> 00:17:24,049
MARCELLA AND BILLY ARGUE / HE SOBS
Orlando, you dirty bastard!
333
00:17:24,050 --> 00:17:26,729
WOMEN CONVERSING IN POSH VOICES
I know, darling.
334
00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,849
I mean,
my nanny's doing everything now,
335
00:17:28,850 --> 00:17:32,249
but Dorothy is amaaaaaaazing.
336
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,289
My last nanny was appalling!
337
00:17:34,290 --> 00:17:38,209
Good afternoon, Marcella.
338
00:17:38,210 --> 00:17:40,369
IN POSH VOICE: Good afternoon.
339
00:17:40,370 --> 00:17:44,329
Mr Ronson.
An absolute pleasure to meet you.
340
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:48,889
So, I can see your last roles
were... oh, pretty gritty, really.
341
00:17:48,890 --> 00:17:51,649
I wanted to show range.
My agent's always, like, "Marcella,
342
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,689
you should be playing lawyers."
And I went, "No."
343
00:17:53,690 --> 00:17:56,409
"I want to play the wife of
a car salesman." That's acting.
344
00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,889
No point playing myself
the whole time, is there?
345
00:17:58,890 --> 00:18:01,169
Wait, sorry. ARE you a lawyer?
346
00:18:01,170 --> 00:18:04,689
No. But I'm not far orf,
if you catch my drift.
347
00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:08,129
Smart.
OK. Well, come in.
348
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,889
Oh! You'll be reading with
David Chaplin.
349
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,969
IN HER OWN VOICE:
THE David Ch-Ch-...
350
00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:15,850
IN POSH VOICE: David Chaplin!
351
00:18:18,370 --> 00:18:20,489
Good day.
So, thanks for coming in.
352
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:23,009
Er, this is David Chaplin.
Oh, my God.
353
00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:27,609
It's such a... pleezure to meet you.
That's an interesting accent.
354
00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:29,889
Where exactly are you from? Er...
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
355
00:18:29,890 --> 00:18:34,569
The, um... Er, Oxford.
Oh! Where'd you go to school?
356
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,729
Eton.
Eton?!
357
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:39,609
Er, near there.
Just r-round the back of Eton.
358
00:18:39,610 --> 00:18:42,769
I had a tutor, private of course,
and she taught me...
359
00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:46,009
Er, just... just near Eton.
Just, er... And...
360
00:18:46,010 --> 00:18:49,369
sometimes in Swiss Cottage,
and Hong Kong.
361
00:18:49,370 --> 00:18:51,489
Ah! So, international school, then.
362
00:18:51,490 --> 00:18:54,449
Yes. Yes.
That's it. Cos I knew it was...
363
00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:58,009
OK. Er, give this a go, shall we?
364
00:18:58,010 --> 00:19:00,449
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
365
00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:02,729
The law's the law, Sam.
You must know how bad this looks.
366
00:19:02,730 --> 00:19:06,449
Oh, no. No, sorry. After we watched
your reel, we changed our minds.
367
00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:08,529
Did you send her the sides
for Pauline?
368
00:19:08,530 --> 00:19:13,609
Is she... Is she the other lawyer?
No. She's a bit more gritty.
369
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:16,529
She breeds greyhounds
and sells spice out of a bingo hall.
370
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:20,089
It's a bigger part, as well.
You're an old face from my...
371
00:19:20,090 --> 00:19:22,129
Detective Owens' past.
372
00:19:22,130 --> 00:19:24,369
Our lives have gone in
very different directions.
373
00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:26,649
Are you OK with
a working-class London accent?
374
00:19:26,650 --> 00:19:29,449
Oh, absolutely fine.
375
00:19:29,450 --> 00:19:31,729
OK. Let's do it. On its feet.
376
00:19:31,730 --> 00:19:34,809
You sure?
Yeah! Why not? OK.
377
00:19:34,810 --> 00:19:37,089
I... I won't know the lines.
378
00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:39,289
Pauline,
get these greyhounds off me!
379
00:19:39,290 --> 00:19:41,929
IN HER OWN VOICE:
Get down! Get out of it, dogs!
380
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:44,529
What do you know about
the spice ring? Get down, boy!
381
00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:47,609
I told you, I just like playing
bingo. For God's sake!
382
00:19:47,610 --> 00:19:50,249
If you don't want me to call the
RSPCA about all these greyhounds,
383
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,289
you better tell me
all about your spice ring.
384
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:55,809
I need to find my father, dammit!
I don't know anything!
385
00:19:55,810 --> 00:19:57,849
A bit more gritty.
386
00:19:57,850 --> 00:20:00,769
I don't know nothing!
What's happened?
387
00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:04,849
Don't you find me attractive anymore?
Remember when we was kids -
388
00:20:04,850 --> 00:20:07,369
Oh, here we go.
I don't feel bad for getting out.
389
00:20:07,370 --> 00:20:11,249
You could've, as well. But even now
you'd still rather sit and wait
390
00:20:11,250 --> 00:20:13,689
to rob the pizza off a moped
than buy one.
391
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:17,489
I pay for my takeaway now...
WITH tip.
392
00:20:17,490 --> 00:20:20,209
How is your mum?
I heard she went to prison
393
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:23,689
for selling dodgy strip-club poles.
Yeah. Not a big deal.
394
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,849
No big deal?!
Tell that to the man who died
395
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,049
with an eight-inch stiletto
sticking out of his face
396
00:20:28,050 --> 00:20:30,329
like a sad unicorn!
Listen 'ere.
397
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:33,369
I don't give a toss about
that... tit perve,
398
00:20:33,370 --> 00:20:35,449
or you comin' round 'ere
with your big words.
399
00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:38,089
I've told you all I know,
so if there's anything else you want,
400
00:20:38,090 --> 00:20:40,649
you can speak to Dan
down at the club,
401
00:20:40,650 --> 00:20:43,529
or Big Steve... or Fat Mike...
402
00:20:43,530 --> 00:20:47,129
DAVID WHISPERS
No. I do take the point.
403
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,409
IN POSH VOICE:
I don't mind... You can, um...
404
00:20:49,410 --> 00:20:52,609
You can speak to me directly. It's
fine. I take direction very well.
405
00:20:52,610 --> 00:20:56,849
Er, OK. It's the voice. Sorry.
It sounds painfully inauthentic.
406
00:20:56,850 --> 00:20:59,089
I don't buy that
you're from inner-city London,
407
00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:02,249
and, um... No. It just feels wrong.
408
00:21:02,250 --> 00:21:04,769
Oh.
SHE LAUGHS / CLEARS HER THROAT
409
00:21:04,770 --> 00:21:07,689
IN HER OWN VOICE:
Er... OK. My name's Marcella.
410
00:21:07,690 --> 00:21:10,249
Um, I grew up in Camden,
North London. Er -
411
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:13,489
Stop! It's bordering on offensive.
412
00:21:13,490 --> 00:21:15,929
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
IN POSH VOICE: OK, then.
413
00:21:15,930 --> 00:21:18,730
Thank you for seeing me.
414
00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:24,569
Toodle-pip.
415
00:21:24,570 --> 00:21:27,369
I mean, that was just all a bit...
Don Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven,
416
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,769
wasn't it? Am I alone here?
417
00:21:29,770 --> 00:21:31,809
SONG: My Happiness
by Connie Francis
418
00:21:31,810 --> 00:21:39,810
♪ Evening shadows
♪ Make me blue... ♪
419
00:21:40,530 --> 00:21:44,769
DOOR BANGS Hey.
420
00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:47,089
Hello.
Hiya. Where you been?
421
00:21:47,090 --> 00:21:49,169
Just walking...
422
00:21:49,170 --> 00:21:52,729
all over London... on my own.
423
00:21:52,730 --> 00:21:55,969
I've decided
I'm gonna give up acting!
424
00:21:55,970 --> 00:21:58,809
Don't be silly. You're always
like this after an audition.
425
00:21:58,810 --> 00:22:01,649
Why? Cos she doesn't get any work.
Don't be a prick, Bill.
426
00:22:01,650 --> 00:22:04,689
He's actually right. I don't get
any work. And it's really not right.
427
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:07,929
It's not good for my mental health,
and you can't build a life like this.
428
00:22:07,930 --> 00:22:10,089
And I don't wanna do it anymore,
429
00:22:10,090 --> 00:22:12,249
and I'm gonna have to get
a full-time job,
430
00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:15,409
and I don't even know what.
Teaching, I guess?!
431
00:22:15,410 --> 00:22:18,449
Can I do if it it's just...
I don't wanna do mornings!
432
00:22:18,450 --> 00:22:21,409
Maybe evening teaching or something!
You've said this before.
433
00:22:21,410 --> 00:22:24,609
I know I've said it before.
I mean it this time, Carol.
I'm done. I want out.
434
00:22:24,610 --> 00:22:28,049
I'm donezo, mate.
I don't wanna hear about acting.
435
00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:31,089
I don't wanna hear actors' names.
That's all I ask.
436
00:22:31,090 --> 00:22:33,849
I'm out.
I'm fuckin' finished with it all.
437
00:22:33,850 --> 00:22:36,329
PHONE RINGS
I'm gonna have a new life!
438
00:22:36,330 --> 00:22:38,089
Oh!
439
00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:39,809
Hello?
440
00:22:39,810 --> 00:22:42,409
Hi, Marcella. Great news.
441
00:22:42,410 --> 00:22:45,889
What great news? Did I, um...
Did I get a part?
442
00:22:45,890 --> 00:22:48,289
No, no.
Did you say you went to Eton?
443
00:22:48,290 --> 00:22:51,209
No!
Anyway, out of nowhere,
444
00:22:51,210 --> 00:22:54,209
we've had a request for you to act
in a commercial. Yoghurt, I think.
445
00:22:54,210 --> 00:22:56,369
Yoghurt? What do you mean?
Anyway, no audition,
446
00:22:56,370 --> 00:23:00,009
and the fee is £12,000.
£12,000?! No audition?
447
00:23:00,010 --> 00:23:02,049
Well, there's no business
like show business.
448
00:23:02,050 --> 00:23:04,689
You're right!
There ISN'T any business like - Bye!
449
00:23:04,690 --> 00:23:06,849
Bye!
Thank you so much. Bye bye!
450
00:23:06,850 --> 00:23:09,289
SHE SNIFFS Oh, my God!
451
00:23:09,290 --> 00:23:12,289
I'm back in the game!
BOTH, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Yay.
452
00:23:12,290 --> 00:23:13,489
Nice.
453
00:23:13,490 --> 00:23:16,129
♪ Don't bring me posies
454
00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:19,209
♪ When it's shoes
I need ♪ Tough Mary
455
00:23:19,210 --> 00:23:22,569
♪ Don't bring me flowers
♪ Tough Mary
456
00:23:22,570 --> 00:23:26,169
♪ Don't bring me the sea
♪ Tough Mary is tough
457
00:23:26,170 --> 00:23:29,089
♪ Just bring me diamonds
♪ Tough Mary
458
00:23:29,090 --> 00:23:32,369
♪ That'll suit me fine
♪ Tough Mary
459
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:35,049
♪ And I'll love you forever
♪ Tough Mary
460
00:23:35,050 --> 00:23:38,570
♪ And you'll be mine
♪ Tough Mary is... ♪
37901
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