All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S11E13 - Bite Me, Supreme Court (1080p WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

♪ Men.♪

So, Marty, uh,
what are we celebrating?

My prostate exam.

Doctor gave me a thumbs up.

At least it felt like a thumb.

Well, I'm glad to hear
you're in good health.

Yes, he said I could live
another ten years

if I give up alcohol.

Yeah, but you're
drinking Scotch.

He had a finger up my keister.

What, am I gonna argue?

It's true; he never complains
when I put my...

[watch beeping]

What is that, the horrifying
conversation alarm?

[beeping continues]

I was hoping it was a truck
about to back over me.

It's time for my pills.

Evy, I think I left them
in the car.

Would you get them?Of course, dear.

I think the keys are
in my pocket.

You may have to root
around for them.

Really nice try.

I-I got to remember that.

That's a good one.

You actually have
to own something to have keys.

Okay, let me tell you
why I'm really here.

You know I have been dating
your mother for some time now.

Uh, actually,
she's not my mom.

Yeah, or mine.

Well, you boys are a couple
and she's your daughter,

so we're like family.

Oh.

No, we're-we're not married.

Oh, but someday.

No, no, we-we don't want
to get married.

So why did you guys fight
so hard for it?

Yeah, come on, Walden.

You're here, you're queer,
get used to it.

As I was saying,

your mother is a beautiful,
warm, compassionate woman.

Everyone's entitled
to their opinion.

I would like to ask
for her hand in marriage.

Aw.
Wow.
What?

So, what do you say?

Can I make an honest woman
out of your mother?

I doubt it.

But you have my blessing.

Mine, too.
Congratulations.

Uh, wait, not-not so fast.

I have a question first.

Would you allow her son
to come and live with you

if his current living
quarters were to, say,

suddenly become a sauna?

Any son of Evelyn's

always has a place in my home.

Welcome to the family, Dad.

[door opens]

Here are your pills, dear.

Look at that, a hot chick
carrying a bag of drugs.

It's like 1970 all over again.

Let's start
with the muscle relaxers.

One for you, two for me.

Wow. What are
all those for?

It's a combination.

Hardeners and softeners.

I-I have to take these or...

[grunting]

Marty, are you okay?Quick, quick.

P-Press the medic alert.

What is this?

This is a ring.

I've fallen for you,
and I can't get up.

What are you saying?

Will you marry me?

I can't believe this.

You are so romantic.

Will I have to sign a prenup?

Of course not.

Then yes, yes.

And I want your son
to be my best man.

Oh, my God, really?

Not you; pretty boy over there.

Oh.

In my heart, I knew.

Okay, but at the ceremony,

I'm not gonna root around
in your pocket for the ring.

And, Jennifer,
you'll be my maid of honor?

[scoffs] Of course.
It's like I'm not even here.

Sweet.
I love straight weddings.

A bunch
of drunk bridesmaids crying

because they don't have a man.

It's like eating fish
in a barrel.

So, where are we gonna have
the ceremony?

Why don't we just have
it here at our place?

Uh, maybe weshould
discuss this

before weoffer up ourplace.

Do what I do;
just go along with it,

and later, take it out on him
in the bedroom.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men.♪

Oh, Berta, uh,

can I try something out on you?

There isn't enough
alcohol in the world.

No, I'm writing a toast
for my mother's wedding.

Uh, so far I've got, uh,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
I am so pleased

"to welcome Marty Pepper
to our family.

"Uh, to know Marty
is to love him.

"He's a kind,
sweet and generous man,

"which proves once and for all

that opposites
really do attract."

So, you're telling everyone
you're a son of a bitch.

I like it.

Hey, Alan, I need your help

planning this geriatric
bachelor party.

I started reaching out
to the guys

on Marty's invite list,

and so far I got dead,
dead, coma, Florida.

Hey, uh, where you thinking
about having this thing anyway?

Well, at this point, either Boca

or the
Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

How about a strip club?

I know a place with a great
all-you-can-eat buffet.

Two things you never
want to hear together.
Mm-hmm.

"Strip club" and
"all-you-can-eat."

Besides, Marty doesn't
want strippers.

You can't have a bachelor party
without strippers.

But more importantly,

we can't let the last
naked woman this man sees

be my mother.

My granddaughters do
a great two-for-one show.

I can get you a family discount.

No, no.

We... No strippers.

We're just doing
a nice steak dinner.

Well, if there's not
gonna be any strippers,

then I'm not going.

Actually,
you're not on the list.

♪ Men.♪

Okay, okay,
one more time.

I want a nice filet,
medium-rare,

and then you give
it a nice sear,

and then you put it
in the food processor,

and you give it a pump

three times on chop--
boom, boom, boom--

and two times on
dice-- boom, boom.

Thank you.

Oh, uh,

is, uh, this the party

or the bathroom?

Here. Over here, Tim.

Oh.Yeah.

Thank you.

What's with the glasses?

You look like Bono.

I was fortunate enough
to work with Bono.

Yeah, and, uh, at the time,
he was married to Cher.

I just got back
from the eye doctor.

Boy, he robbed me blind.

I can only read the top
line of the eye chart.

It says P.

Then I have to.

I-I'd like to, uh,
to propose a toast.

Uh, first to Walden

for putting all this together
at the last minute.

Well, it was tough,
but I managed to get a table

at 3:00 p.m. on a Thursday.

To Walden and his wife Alan.

That is one ugly woman.

Uh-huh.

Um, my, uh,

my mother and I have
had our ups and downs,

but I love her,
and I want her to be happy.

And you, Marty Pepper,

make her happy,
which means

I love you.

I thought we
said no broads.

I had a gay friend
who was arrested for sodomy,

and he had the charge reduced
to following too closely.

Uh, anyway,

um, I want to wish you both
the best. Cheers.

Tim needs a drink.

No, no, no, no, uh, I'm driving.

Marty, last time I saw you,

we were in a threesome
with that cute little redhead.

What ever happened to her?

I'm marrying her.

Nice girl.

Hard worker.

Well, I'd like to say on behalf
of all of us, getting married?

What the hell are
you doing, Marty?

Why do you need
seven wives?

You can barely get through
nine holes of golf!

She's a sweet kid,
and I need a little warmth

and comfort
at the end of the day.

Have you ever considered
a nice piece of toast?

[clears throat] Uh, well,
I would like to say something.

Uh... I might be
in the minority here,

but I still believe in love,

and it's inspiring to know

that even at your age,
you can still find it.

Now we have two broads.

The kid is right.

Nothing is more important
than love,

except a good opening weekend.

And salt.

Damn it, I really miss salt.

Okay, we're here because
we love this man.

You know, not the way
you two love each other.

But...

love, n-nonetheless.

We're also here for the free
steak, am I right? [chuckles]

Excuse me.

Who is this kid?

He's Evelyn's son.

Who's Evelyn?

The woman I'm marrying.

You're getting married?

Mazel tov!

Which one of you guys
is... Marty?

I'm Sugar.

I'm Cinnamon.

I'm rich!I'm richer!

Hey, I thought we said
no strippers.

It's a bachelor party;
loosen up.

Hey, uh, Marty,
you up for a lap dance?

I haven't been up
for a lap dance

since the
Reagan Administration.

Governor Reagan's.

I think I wrote that joke.

Girls, give him something
to remember.

Uh, they're the green ones.

Oh, uh, and don't forget,

I'm only paying for an hour,
so whether you're

in the middle
of a lap dance or CPR,

you got to get out of there.

♪ Men.♪

I want to find something
Marty will like.

I wonder if they have
edible underwear for diabetics.

Well, they do have
something called

"I Can't Believe
It's Not Body Butter."

[chuckles]
Hey, you'd look good in these.

No, dear,
Marty would look good in them.

Oh, you guys arekinky.

If we got any kinkier, we'd
upset the animal rights people.

So, how about
you, Jennifer?

Are there wedding
bells in your future?

It is legal now.

Oh, don't remind me.

I used to have the perfect get-
out-of-relationship-free card.

"Oh, I'd love to marry you,

"but darn all that prejudice
and intolerance.

Bite me, Supreme Court."

Well, you never know.

I didn't expect to find
love this late in life,

but there's just something
about Marty.

Yeah, there's just
400 million things about Marty.

Yes, but I would love him

if he was only
worth 200 million.

[laughs]

You know,
I was really touched

when you asked me to be
your maid of honor.

Well, you're the
daughter of my only son.

Well, what about Alan?

Don't spoil my day, dear.

And having you
with me is like

having Charlie around.

This will be the only one of
my weddings without him.

Well, except the first one,
of course.

Oh, no, dear,
he was there.

It was the first time
we got drunk together.

♪ Men.♪

Where's Marty?

Nobody likes a stripper hog.

Oh, speaking of hogs,

I once did a show
with Miss Piggy.

You know there's a
guy under there?

You know, maybe we should go
check on him.

MARTY:
I'm fine!

Best present that I ever had
in my whole life.

Thank you, Walden.

Actually, the strippers
were my idea. [chuckles]

Oh, well,
then you tell your mother

the wedding is off.

Tell her what?

The wedding is off.

STEVE:
Okay.

Wedding pool.

I have

"Misplaces teeth

and can't recite the vows."

Uh-huh.

I had, uh... [clears throat]

"Died during the lap dance."

I had "This man's
name is Gary.

"If found,

"take him to 104
North Beverly Drive.

Do not give him Scotch."

Well, I have... [clears throat]

"Alan will
screw this up somehow."

I win.

Are you serious?

You can't call off the wedding.

You're not thinking clearly.

I have never been more clear
about anything in my life,

except casting Ralph Macchio.

Kid was a born star.

Well, I think the party is over.

Can somebody please drive me
to, uh,

104 North Beverly Drive?

I gotcha.

Listen, maybe on the way home,
we can pick up some Scotch.

Wait, wait, not so fast!

I got a catheter.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

I can't believe Marty
called off the wedding.

I can't believe
I left a bachelor party

at 4:45 in the afternoon.

My mom is gonna be
very upset with us.

"Us"?

You threw the bachelor party.

You hired strippers!

That's why I said "us."

You know what,
it ultimately doesn't matter

because in your mother's eyes.
it's all your fault.

[sighs] You're right.

She has never forgiven me
for her prolapsed vagina.

And I'm never gonna forgive you

for putting that picture
in my head.

It's not my fault my ears
got caught.

She's gonna be crushed,
and it's all because of us.

Will you stop saying that!

It's because of you!

First you destroyed her vagina,
and now it's her dreams.

Really?

I thought, as partners,
we shared the burdens of life

for better or for worse.

Or were they just empty vows?

We're not married!

Oh, you don't have
to remind me of that.

We're not gay!

I can see why we have
to tell other people that,

but we shouldn't have
to tell each other!

Oh, hey, Alan,
look who's here.

Hello, boys.

Hey, you want a drink?

[both laugh]

I know, stupid question.

Hey, Mommy,
did you have fun shopping?

What's wrong?

What-what do you mean,
"what's wrong"?

You're using
that same whiny voice

you used when you pooped
your pants in ballet class.

Good Lord.I was a kid!

You were 14.

You finally had a bulge
in your tights,

and it was on the wrong side.

Okay, you know, I thought this

was gonna be difficult,
but maybe not.

Marty ran off
with a couple of strippers.

Excuse me?

Things got a little crazy
at the bachelor party.

What happened?

Did he eat sugar?

He may have.

All right.

Well, I guess he's having
one last little fling

before the wedding.

Um, y-yeah, about the wedding.

There's that same
tutu-crapping voice again.

He called it off.

What?

Sorry, Evelyn.

But...

the strippers have
his medication,

and I think one of them has
a nurse's outfit.

You know, I-I think if you went
over there and talked to him,

you might be able
to change his mind.

He may have even forgotten
he called off the wedding.

No, if he doesn't want
to get married, that's fine.

Are you okay?

I mean,
is there anything we can do?

I'm all right.

You can't force someone
to love you.

Excuse me.

[sighs]

What did I miss?

Well, the wedding's off,

and Alan crapped his pants
in ballet class.

♪ Men.♪

Wow.

Yeah.

If I inherit this place,

there's a guest room
with your name on it.

Man, he bought this
with sitcom money.

I am in the wrong business.

May I help you?

Uh, we're here
to see Marty.

I'm sorry, Mr. Pepper is busy.

Really? Uh, he doesn't have time

to visit with Ralph Macchio?

A thousand apologies,
Mr. Macchio.

Right this way.

After you, Daniel-san.

♪ Men.♪

We're going to take a bath.

You can start washing
each other.

But save the dirty parts for me.

[knocking]

Who's there?

Uh, it's Alan and Walden.

Who?

[sighs]

Evelyn's gay son
and his boyfriend.

Oh.

All right, come on in.

If you're here
to change my mind,

forget it.

But I-I thought you
loved my mother.

I do,

but I'm not ready
to settle down.

Maybe when I get a little older.

Marty, I don't
say this unkindly,

but if you get any older,
you'll be soil.

Besides, you know
my mother.

She'd sleep with you
and the strippers.

Oh, yeah,
she's a big whore.

Yeah.

I'm not saying
she doesn't have her charms.

So, what's the problem?

The truth is,

I'm a six-time loser
at marriage,

and I don't want to go
for a seventh.

I get it.

You're-you're scared.

But, you know,
in-in love,

you have to take a leap
and hope for the best.

That should be written
on a pillow--

the pillow you can bite
when you and your buddy are...

All right, all right.

Um...

No, all-all I'm saying is
is that marriage

can be a beautiful thing.

So, why aren't you two married?

Yeah.

Why aren't we married, Walden?

This isn't what you think it is.

Right.

I don't understand you,
but you understand me.

You're right.

He's right.

I-I don't want to

end up alone

and a-afraid of commitment
like Marty.

Alan...

...for the last
three years of my life,

you have...

always been there.

Every day.

When I wake up in the morning,
when I go to bed at night,

there you are.

So, nobody is more surprised

to hear this coming
out of my mouth than me.

This is not happening.

Alan Harper...

will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!

A billion times, yes!

Okay, okay.

All right, okay.

Let's save something
for the honeymoon.

Ibiza, it has to be Ibiza.

You're right.

Excluding my heart,
kidney and liver,

I'm not a young man anymore.

I'm gonna call your mother.

SUGAR:
Marty,

come find the ducky.

[giggling]

We-we should probably go
break the news to them.

Yeah, yeah, that'd probably be
the proper thing to do.

Just so you know,

this is not happening
when we're married.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Marty,

I love you more than words
could ever say.

From the moment

I took off my blindfold,
turned around

and saw you behind me
for the first time,

I knew I'd never need
a safe word again.

I wish I had
one of those right now.

Which? The blindfold
or the safe word?

Yes.

Evelyn, I'm so happy
you're in my life.

When I'm with you,
I feel like I'm 85 again.

You're the perfect
girl for me.

You make my heart skip a beat,

and you know how to use
a defribrillator.

[laughter]

I wrote that joke.

Last night, I only got up
one time to pee.

I peed a second time,
but I-I didn't get up.

Ashes to ashes,

and dust to dust...

Oh, I'm sorry.
I skipped a page there.

Uh...

you may now kiss the bride.

Congratulations, Evelyn,
on a beautiful ceremony.

Yeah. Can't wait
for the next one.

I just have to tell you,

I am a huge fan.Thank you very much.

I lost my virginity
to one of your records.

A-side and B-side,
if you know what I mean.

[laughs]

Oh, I just became
a big fan of yours, baby.

[laughs]

And I just want
to say one thing.

None of this would've happened
without these two.

And as my present to you,

I've arranged for Tim

to perform
one more wedding ceremony.

[applause]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.Oh, my God.

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