Original subtitles

What's up to all my good, bad, and fugly

What's up to all my good, bad, and fugly

What's up to all my good, bad, and fugly bunnies? I'm Desi Light

bunnies? I'm Desi Light

bunnies? I'm Desi Light >> and I'm Jordan Clapper. This is Sports

>> and I'm Jordan Clapper. This is Sports

>> and I'm Jordan Clapper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not

War, the show where we are legally not

War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

allowed to agree with each other.

allowed to agree with each other. >> So if I say the opening ceremony in

>> So if I say the opening ceremony in

>> So if I say the opening ceremony in Milan was a beautiful celebration of

Milan was a beautiful celebration of

Milan was a beautiful celebration of Italian culture,

Italian culture,

Italian culture, >> then I say it was complete insult to

>> then I say it was complete insult to

>> then I say it was complete insult to Italy. No sopranos theme song, zero

Italy. No sopranos theme song, zero

Italy. No sopranos theme song, zero people dressed as lasagna.

people dressed as lasagna.

people dressed as lasagna. I mean, they might as well have pissed

I mean, they might as well have pissed

I mean, they might as well have pissed on the grave of Chef Boy Rardee.

on the grave of Chef Boy Rardee.

on the grave of Chef Boy Rardee. Can it you talking strand of spaghetti?

Can it you talking strand of spaghetti?

Can it you talking strand of spaghetti? Let's kick things off with the Super

Let's kick things off with the Super

Let's kick things off with the Super Bowl. It's supposed to be the Super Bowl

Bowl. It's supposed to be the Super Bowl

Bowl. It's supposed to be the Super Bowl of sporting events, but this year it was

of sporting events, but this year it was

of sporting events, but this year it was all about the halftime show.

all about the halftime show.

all about the halftime show. >> Nobody brought the house down like Bad

>> Nobody brought the house down like Bad

>> Nobody brought the house down like Bad Bunny. The Global Superstar Showcase in

Bunny. The Global Superstar Showcase in

Bunny. The Global Superstar Showcase in Ode to Puerto Rico.

Ode to Puerto Rico.

Ode to Puerto Rico. >> The Singer Show was the most watched

>> The Singer Show was the most watched

>> The Singer Show was the most watched halftime performance of all time.

halftime performance of all time.

halftime performance of all time. >> Making history as the first Spanish

>> Making history as the first Spanish

>> Making history as the first Spanish language halftime show performer.

Caliente.

Caliente.

Caliente. Bad buddy was hot. I mean, watching him

Bad buddy was hot. I mean, watching him

Bad buddy was hot. I mean, watching him swivel those hips, I haven't been this

swivel those hips, I haven't been this

swivel those hips, I haven't been this confused since college.

confused since college.

confused since college. And that intro to philosophy class made

And that intro to philosophy class made

And that intro to philosophy class made no sense. Also, I had several gay

no sense. Also, I had several gay

no sense. Also, I had several gay experiences.

experiences.

experiences. >> Jordan, you topshelf dingus. It was too

>> Jordan, you topshelf dingus. It was too

>> Jordan, you topshelf dingus. It was too hot. See, that's the problem. These

hot. See, that's the problem. These

hot. See, that's the problem. These halftime shows have become so elaborate

halftime shows have become so elaborate

halftime shows have become so elaborate that they're starting to overshadow the

that they're starting to overshadow the

that they're starting to overshadow the actual game. We need to go back to

actual game. We need to go back to

actual game. We need to go back to simpler times like 1908 when they just

simpler times like 1908 when they just

simpler times like 1908 when they just bring a donkey out at halftime and

bring a donkey out at halftime and

bring a donkey out at halftime and everyone would be like, "Oh a

everyone would be like, "Oh a

everyone would be like, "Oh a donkey."

donkey."

donkey." As someone who has a time share in

As someone who has a time share in

As someone who has a time share in Tijana, trust me, there's nothing hotter

Tijana, trust me, there's nothing hotter

Tijana, trust me, there's nothing hotter than a donkey show.

than a donkey show.

than a donkey show. As they say in TJ, he senior Jordan.

As they say in TJ, he senior Jordan.

As they say in TJ, he senior Jordan. >> Which brings us to our Latin lover, Beta

>> Which brings us to our Latin lover, Beta

>> Which brings us to our Latin lover, Beta of the Notch. Will anyone tune in to

of the Notch. Will anyone tune in to

of the Notch. Will anyone tune in to watch Jordan and his donkey at next

watch Jordan and his donkey at next

watch Jordan and his donkey at next year's alternative halftime show?

>> Brought to you by gambling. Gambling.

>> Brought to you by gambling. Gambling.

>> Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. No.

No.

No. Moving on to the other major sporting

Moving on to the other major sporting

Moving on to the other major sporting event of the weekend, the Winter

event of the weekend, the Winter

event of the weekend, the Winter Olympics, where apparently skiing

Olympics, where apparently skiing

Olympics, where apparently skiing doesn't mean doing cocaine. Once again,

doesn't mean doing cocaine. Once again,

doesn't mean doing cocaine. Once again, my apologies for following the Norwegian

my apologies for following the Norwegian

my apologies for following the Norwegian men's freestyle team into the bathroom.

men's freestyle team into the bathroom.

men's freestyle team into the bathroom. Anyway,

Anyway,

Anyway, this year in Milan, Olympic athletes are

this year in Milan, Olympic athletes are

this year in Milan, Olympic athletes are leaving their mark like never before.

leaving their mark like never before.

leaving their mark like never before. >> This morning, the political firestorm

>> This morning, the political firestorm

>> This morning, the political firestorm igniting under the Olympic flame.

igniting under the Olympic flame.

igniting under the Olympic flame. >> Olympic skier, British American Gus

>> Olympic skier, British American Gus

>> Olympic skier, British American Gus Kenworthy writing, "F ice in urine in

Kenworthy writing, "F ice in urine in

Kenworthy writing, "F ice in urine in the snow and posting it to Instagram."

WEE!

This guy was able to start and stop his

This guy was able to start and stop his

This guy was able to start and stop his stream between letters, man. Oh, that is

stream between letters, man. Oh, that is

stream between letters, man. Oh, that is some gold medal pissing.

some gold medal pissing.

some gold medal pissing. In fact, peeing in the snow should be an

In fact, peeing in the snow should be an

In fact, peeing in the snow should be an Olympic event. And I would dominate. I

Olympic event. And I would dominate. I

Olympic event. And I would dominate. I mean, look what I did in the backyard

mean, look what I did in the backyard

mean, look what I did in the backyard this morning.

Jesus, how much urine is that? No wonder

Jesus, how much urine is that? No wonder

Jesus, how much urine is that? No wonder your wife sleeps in a wet suit.

your wife sleeps in a wet suit.

your wife sleeps in a wet suit. Ping and snow should be outlawed, not

Ping and snow should be outlawed, not

Ping and snow should be outlawed, not just at the Olympics, but everywhere. I

just at the Olympics, but everywhere. I

just at the Olympics, but everywhere. I mean, what happens when someone eats

mean, what happens when someone eats

mean, what happens when someone eats that yellow snow because she thinks it

that yellow snow because she thinks it

that yellow snow because she thinks it looks delicious, even though everyone

looks delicious, even though everyone

looks delicious, even though everyone keeps telling her, "Don't eat yellow

keeps telling her, "Don't eat yellow

keeps telling her, "Don't eat yellow snow. It doesn't taste like Gatorade."

snow. It doesn't taste like Gatorade."

snow. It doesn't taste like Gatorade." And sure, sure, she even wrote it on her

And sure, sure, she even wrote it on her

And sure, sure, she even wrote it on her hand as a reminder, but she's wearing

hand as a reminder, but she's wearing

hand as a reminder, but she's wearing gloves because it's so cold outside. So,

gloves because it's so cold outside. So,

gloves because it's so cold outside. So, she ate the snow anyway because she's

she ate the snow anyway because she's

she ate the snow anyway because she's sick and tired of everyone telling her

sick and tired of everyone telling her

sick and tired of everyone telling her WHAT TO DO. And you know what?

WHAT TO DO. And you know what?

WHAT TO DO. And you know what? It didn't taste like Gatorade. It tasted

It didn't taste like Gatorade. It tasted

It didn't taste like Gatorade. It tasted like urine. But she had to come to that

like urine. But she had to come to that

like urine. But she had to come to that conclusion all on her own.

>> What about those people, Jordan?

>> Which brings me to my PP pants parlay

>> Which brings me to my PP pants parlay

>> Which brings me to my PP pants parlay bet of the night. Which country will

bet of the night. Which country will

bet of the night. Which country will take home the gold in Olympic snow peen?

take home the gold in Olympic snow peen?

take home the gold in Olympic snow peen? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If

Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If

Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's

it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's

it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, double down.

brown, double down.

brown, double down. >> Moving on from something delicious and

>> Moving on from something delicious and

>> Moving on from something delicious and yellow on snow to something delicious

yellow on snow to something delicious

yellow on snow to something delicious and yellow on ice.

and yellow on ice.

and yellow on ice. >> We turn back to Milan where one Olympic

>> We turn back to Milan where one Olympic

>> We turn back to Milan where one Olympic figure skater isn't just dreaming of

figure skater isn't just dreaming of

figure skater isn't just dreaming of gold, but minion yellow, too. Tomas

gold, but minion yellow, too. Tomas

gold, but minion yellow, too. Tomas Guino Sabate, his signature short

Guino Sabate, his signature short

Guino Sabate, his signature short program featuring songs from the wildly

program featuring songs from the wildly

program featuring songs from the wildly popular Despicable Me movies.

popular Despicable Me movies.

popular Despicable Me movies. >> Minions over Mozart. It's nice to mix it

>> Minions over Mozart. It's nice to mix it

>> Minions over Mozart. It's nice to mix it up in figure skating.

I I I I I KNOW. CALIENTE.

I I I I I KNOW. CALIENTE.

I I I I I KNOW. CALIENTE. This is despicable for me and the entire

This is despicable for me and the entire

This is despicable for me and the entire sport of figure skating. I mean, where's

sport of figure skating. I mean, where's

sport of figure skating. I mean, where's Tanya Harding with a pipe when you need

Tanya Harding with a pipe when you need

Tanya Harding with a pipe when you need her?

her?

her? >> Jordan, the scores are in. You're a

>> Jordan, the scores are in. You're a

>> Jordan, the scores are in. You're a This performance was what the

This performance was what the

This performance was what the Olympics are all about. There's

Olympics are all about. There's

Olympics are all about. There's something for everyone. Skating,

something for everyone. Skating,

something for everyone. Skating, copyright law, adults wearing overalls.

copyright law, adults wearing overalls.

copyright law, adults wearing overalls. Anyone can nail a double axle in a

Anyone can nail a double axle in a

Anyone can nail a double axle in a skintight uniard, but it takes real

skintight uniard, but it takes real

skintight uniard, but it takes real skill to do it in a spirit Halloween

skill to do it in a spirit Halloween

skill to do it in a spirit Halloween costume.

costume.

costume. His parents should be so proud, assuming

His parents should be so proud, assuming

His parents should be so proud, assuming they still speak to him.

they still speak to him.

they still speak to him. >> Are you kidding me, Desi? The only thing

>> Are you kidding me, Desi? The only thing

>> Are you kidding me, Desi? The only thing more certain than this guy not getting

more certain than this guy not getting

more certain than this guy not getting an Olympic medal is him not getting

an Olympic medal is him not getting

an Olympic medal is him not getting chlamydia in the Olympic village.

chlamydia in the Olympic village.

chlamydia in the Olympic village. I mean, you have to ask to get the TD.

I mean, you have to ask to get the TD.

I mean, you have to ask to get the TD. >> Which brings us to our millionaire maker

>> Which brings us to our millionaire maker

>> Which brings us to our millionaire maker bet of the night. What movie character

bet of the night. What movie character

bet of the night. What movie character will Tamas skate as next? Brought to you

will Tamas skate as next? Brought to you

will Tamas skate as next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. See cocoa toat.

by gambling. Gambling. See cocoa toat.

by gambling. Gambling. See cocoa toat. Banana. Banana.

Banana. Banana.

Banana. Banana. >> Well, that's all the time we have for

>> Well, that's all the time we have for

>> Well, that's all the time we have for sports war. Join us next week when we

sports war. Join us next week when we

sports war. Join us next week when we debate if the Winter Olympics should be

debate if the Winter Olympics should be

debate if the Winter Olympics should be in the summer and feature running and

in the summer and feature running and

in the summer and feature running and swimming.

swimming.

swimming. >> I think I think it's a good idea. I

>> I think I think it's a good idea. I

>> I think I think it's a good idea. I think it is a great idea.