Original subtitles

-(low hum) -(keyboards clacking)

(spacey music)

*

(door clicks)

(insistently paced music)

*

(sighs)

*

* I slip on my cozy clothes

* Winding down, I'll watch my show *

* Sipping tea and heating up

* My pad thai from two days ago *

* Creeping under covers

* Never gonna come out of it

* And if I'm still up later

* My vibrator might come out a bit *

* I'm up on that lazy shit

* I worked hard, deserving it *

* Decompressing all my stressing *

* From the job I cannot quit

* I admit, it's hard to flip

* My brain into relaxed mode

* But I'll feel real better

* When I binge on these episodes *

(door slams)

OFFRED: My name is Offred, and I intend to survive.

* But how can I relax when I'm thinking of the fact *

* That our nation is run by some hack? *

* This can actually happen

* A totalitarian faction

* Where all of us women are livin' *

* In a crazed reaction to our feminist action *

* Maggie Atwood had it mad right *

* That bitch got some foresight *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

(cell phone chimes)

*

"House party on the east side.

Come out, bitch. Get a ride."

Fuck that. I'm tired.

But I thank you for the invite, though.

-(text message swooshes) -"Just come out, ho.

There's people you know."

Whose party is it?

"It's my friend Cara's.

You remember her from my work thing last year."

That night was a blur.

"Well, she remembers you,

"and she's saying come on over.

"Stop acting geriatric like you're

30 decades older."

(rumbling)

Damn, that comment's hitting mad strong.

Maybe Becca's right

and I got my night planned all wrong.

*

Fuck.

Fine, okay, I'll go.

*

I gotta find an outfit, though.

*

* Too baggy, too desperate *

* Ugh, not enough support

* Do I own a real bra?

* What about my leather shorts? *

* This can fit over my hips if I twist and contort *

* I should run more

* Trial pass to the gym, I should use that *

* All the cookies in my cupboard, I abuse that *

* Stop that, just pick a fucking dress *

* Effortless is the way I wanna dress *

* But it's causing too much stress *

* Take a breath

(breathes deeply)

(interrupted exhalation)

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Got a Lyft, I'm remiss

* It's just two minutes

* Name is Henry, he looks friendly *

* In a Honda Civic

* Now I'm stuck with this decision *

* And I'm waiting

* 'Cause if I cancel

* Then it might lower my rating *

* Headlights, Henry pulls up, polite *

* Offers me a bottle when I get in the ride *

So thoughtful.

* Smells a little funky, so I slip air inside *

It's awful.

* Traffic on the 405

* Henry's venting 'bout his life *

* Toxic marriage with his wife *

* Asking me for my advice *

Oh, yeah, that-- that's a tough situation.

Uh, it's hard when you-- you know,

it's like two different personalities...

(cell phone buzzes)

Oh, uh, sorry, I gotta get this.

* Keep my eyes on my device *

*

* Roaming round the room

* And I don't recognize a single face *

* Where's my bae Rebecca?

* That girl better be up in this place *

* Hey, I made it, I'm alone *

* Check your phone, where you at, bitch? *

* Shit, it's undelivered

* Guess I'll retry as a text message *

-Excuse me. -Oh, sure.

Can I just grab a--

Yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.

I miss New York, but I don't think

I could, like, live there again.

I'm telling you, man,

cryptocurrency is the future, dude.

Totally.

Yeah, I mean, I'm gluten-free,

but it's not, like, a religion.

Like, I'll eat pizza.

She seems nice. I like her pants.

So tell her that you like her pants.

That's super creepy. No, I can't.

* Oh, my God, it's not that hard *

* Don't overthink it, now's your chance *

Just say it.

Hey, how much are your pants?

Oh, um, they're from Zara, so, like--

Oh, yeah. Cool.

Um...

BOTH: So how do you know Cara?

-(cell phone buzzing) -Oh, um, well,

I don't technically know her.

She's, like, a friend of my friend,

but she seems...

(keyboard clacking)

Everyone seems so nice and, uh...

Okay.

* Her phone is buzzing

* She's saying nothing

(keyboard clacking)

* I turn my back

Shit, I'm in a flashback.

* Middle school, sixth grade *

* Confidence all day

* Lip Smackers, butterflies

* Tamagotchi's still alive

* Janice is planning a party *

* She's hardly being subtle

* She's gathered my girls in a huddle *

* I'm puzzled, I hear whispers all muddled *

My confidence crumbles.

I'm like, "Are you guys avoiding me?"

"Yeah, 'cause you're annoying me."

Mortified.

Wanted to hide.

(descending electronic beeps)

That night, my Tamagotchi died.

* Damn it, Rebecca, where the fuck are you? *

* I'm sinking by the minute into middle school horror *

* You told me you'd be here, where are you? *

-* Come over -(cell phone chimes)

"Hey, sorry! Just got this.

"We ended up at this bar downtown.

Come!"

Wait. What?

Is she being serious?

* I'm staring at the words

* Getting dizzy and delirious *

* Are you fucking kidding me? *

* Tricking me, quitting me

* I try to stay composed, namaste *

* But it's hitting me

* This dilemma is bigger than Becca *

* It's what to expect of my whole generation *

* We're wasting relations by flaking without hesitation *

* What used to be real kind and innocent *

* Convene on the landline to meet a friend *

* Arrive at that set time to be with them *

-I'm sorry. -* Now it's like, never mind

* I'm not confined by the time *

* Or the site that I initially described *

* Changed my mind with a simple little line and *

(breathes deeply)

It's fine.

*

It's fine.

*

I gotta go.

*

Oh, wait.

*

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

48 views already?

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

Nice.

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday night *

* Damn, I love this Friday *

(cell phone chimes)

(low rumbling)

WOMAN: Mr. Henderson.

(indistinct speech over TV)

Mr. Henderson.

Mr. Henderson.

You wanna know what I did?

I took my Apple iPhone

and I went into the texting

and I took the autocorrect off.

You heard me right.

I took the autocorrect

off of my texting.

I'm not afraid anymore, okay?

I'm willing to live on the edge.

I'm willing to go over the edge.

I will misspell words and type them

as often as I want to.

I don't care about spelling it right.

You want to know something?

Apple has the audacity

to correct my misspellings

by letting me know they're wrong.

It doesn't tell me what the right option is.

It just tells me I'm wrong.

I mean, these robots-- who are they?

MAN: Mr. Henderson.

(heavy electronic music)

*

JEROME: I don't want to look back on my life

40 or 50 years from now and think to myself,

"I didn't seize the moment

when the moment was right in front of me,"

so...

(laughs)

Here goes.

I think you're amazing,

and you have great style.

I love the way you shake your head

-when you laugh. -(laughs)

And your theory that 90% of roadkill

is just animals committing suicide,

that's genius.

Hey.

I love you, Meredith,

And these opportunities don't come around very often.

And I'm sure as hell am not gonna let this one

pass me by.

(soft rock music playing over speakers)

Are you?

What do you say?

Dude, this is our first date.

(screams)

(spacey music)

*

WOMAN: * Oh

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey *

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey *

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey *

*

MAN: I watched the Super Bowl in bed--

cried the whole time,

even though, you know,

we won.

God, I just love those guys so much.

Well, thank you, Sammy,

for your words.

Right? For your honesty.

-Thank you. -'Cause I think

a lot of people in this room

can relate.

Am I right?

And that is because

every single one

of you little bitches

has a giant vagina where your face should be.

Huh?

So...whether you're

a sniveling coward in the boardroom--

oh, I'm looking at you, Stephanie;

there's no amount of Spanx

that are gonna turn you into a woman with a spine--

or an emotional wreck in the bedroom--

ding, dang, dang;

guys, the only reason your partner's wet

is 'cause of your tears--

we're all here for the same reason,

and that's to toughen up.

Say it with me.

ALL: Toughen up.

And finally, I realized I hit a...

kind of a breaking point.

Wolf! Wolf! Face of wolf.

Face of wolf!

Are you a fricking wolf or a puppy dog, Jerome?

Uh... (strains)

If I can't control my feelings, then I-I have to destroy them.

ALL: Tamp it down and toughen up.

Tamp it down and toughen up.

I have to destroy all of my feelings,

all of them,

forever.

WOMAN: We need to desensitize you,

rewire your neural pathways,

reframe your relationship to everything around you.

To truly be your toughest self,

you must divest from your softest possessions.

Now, this step--

it's crucial.

Any object that rouses

joy or sorrow or any emotion...

Adios, amigo.

WOMAN: It's gotta go.

*

I can't do it.

*

WOMAN: It's gotta go.

*

(sighs)

*

(bicycle bell dings)

*

How do you feel?

*

(forcefully) How do you feel?

*

I don't feel.

*

My God, I'm so proud of you.

*

(door slams)

(smooth music)

*

(ominous music)

*

(electronic tones)

*

-(static crackling) -(electronic tones)

*

-(static crackles) -(electronic tones)

*

(static crackles)

*

(electronic tones)

(discordant bass music)

*

(electronic tones)

*

(electronic tones)

*

(electronic tones)

(electronic tones)

-(modem beeping) -(static crackling)

(eerie music)

(electronic tone)

(electronic tone)

(spacey music)

(static crackles)

*

(rock music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

*

Where were we?

Oh, hobbies?

Hobbies, right. Yeah, I'm in the middle

of a hobby overhaul.

Uh, everything I used to do is pretty much bullshit.

Um, right now, I'm thinking of, like, getting

into woodworking,

motorcycles, tractors--

you know, something with a loud engine.

Swords, nighttime, trespassing, graffiti,

uh, sling blades, um--

Okay, I'm gonna--

(sighs) I'm just gonna stop you there

and save us both so, so much time.

I-I-I don't think we're a good match.

(laughs) Right.

I'm too tough, aren't I?

I don't know what you are,

and I don't think you do either.

*

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

I'm a tough guy,

too tough for you, apparently.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever.

I, uh, mm, thank you...

for the drink,

and I hope that you find someone

as...tough as you are.

Do you really think there's someone out there

as tough as me?

(door slams)

MAN: So I said, "Here's a ruler.

Measure it."

And she said, "I don't need to measure it.

It's not six inches. I can tell."

And I said, "It is six inches.

"You just have to measure it--

diagonally."

(laughter)

(sucks noisily)

WOMAN: No, no, no, the TV screen

was measured diagonally; that was the joke.

That was a very funny movie.

Yeah, it was fucking hilarious.

I don't really like movies.

Yeah, fuck movies.

Except for Die Hard, of course.

Never seen it.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

(sucks noisily)

Hey, listen. Are you hungry?

I could eat, but I don't have any strong feelings about it.

I'm starving.

(pigeons cooing)

Where do you think you're going?

(pigeon cooing)

(disquieting synth music)

*

(pigeon squeals)

*

The foot's the best part.

(panting)

I feel nothing.

I feel nothing!

-Huh? -(moans)

Ah, I feel nothing!

(breathing heavily)

JEROME: Can I ask you something?

That thing you were screaming earlier--

what was that about?

I feel nothing.

JEROME: Yeah.

I guess you could say it's my mantra.

Emotions, you know...

they've never done anything for me.

Love is fleeting,

not unique at all.

Sadness is boring.

Happiness is a capitalist lie.

Why bother with any of it?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Why did we just fuck on the floor?

Oh, yeah, I got rid of all my furniture.

It was just too soft.

Makes sense.

(clears throat)

(sucks noisily)

WOMAN: * Candy boys, c-c-candy boys *

(tranquil music)

-WOMAN: I like him. -MAN: Well, I--

-Well, don't say, "I like"-- -WOMAN: I like him.

MAN: Don't put the emphasis on "I."

I also like him. I like him too.

-Okay. -I'm j--he's a great--

he's obviously a great guy,

but he's--I'm saying he's a great guy

and he's also a weirdo.

(laughs) No, you're right.

Okay, yeah.

Fine, yes, he's a bit--

he's u--he's unique. I'll give you that.

Oh, my G--yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's a bit unique, yeah.

When he, like-- when he squirts out

his digestive tract from his muscular tail,

like--right, okay, well, the--

just to demonstrate, check out when I do it.

(grunting)

Do you know what I mean? Just, like--

-Yeah, yeah. -How everyone we've ever known

has squirted out his digestive tract.

Exactly. My dad, your dad, my mum.

Exactly. That's how we--

-that's how we do it. -Yeah.

(laughing) But then he comes along.

It's like he's, like, agreeing with you or something.

-Yeah. -It comes out,

and he's like,

"Yeah!"

(laughs)

-"Yeah, yeah." -That is it.

That is exactly it.

-"Yeah, yeah, yeah." -Oh, no.

But it gets quieter and quieter,

as if he's, like, drifting away from you.

-(quietly) "Yeah, yeah." -Yeah, okay.

And then immediately,

he starts talking to you about bebop.

-Straightaway. -Yeah, it's like--

No--not even a hello. Yeah.

And he'll just turn off be like,

"Well, the thing about bebop is..."

Oh, God.

"I don't actually hear bebop.

-I feel bebop." -Feel it, exactly.

-Have you heard him say it? -Oh, my God, no.

Come on, we can't. We can't. We can't. We can't.

This is not nice. We really--

-No, we have to stop. -No, you're right.

You're right. Sorry, sorry.

I need to check myself. This is getting too much.

I'm gonna go to hell.

-Yeah. -Yeah. (snickers)

-Sorry. -I mean...

Look, as I said,

I really like him.

-That's also what I said. -He means well. He means well.

Yeah, I mean--yeah, totally.

And look, he really loves this stuff.

He loves it, so who are we to--

Yeah, you're right. I mean, I think--

Who are we to say?

Yes, who are we? Who are we?

Yeah, he loves it.

I-I actually think he loves it more

as--or--or if not as much as his girlfriend.

What? He doesn't--

he doesn't have a girlfriend, does he?

What?

(laughs)

He does--okay.

-(laughing) -Right.

You're--you're yanking my digestive tract

out of me now. He doesn't--

he doesn't have a girlfriend?

Well met, milady.

Wouldst thou like to go on a date with me

on the morrow? Is that...

I promise I'll say, "Yeah."

Oh, wait. I thought that being around you

made me want to drown myself in my own digestive enzymes,

but now I've seen you go, "Yeah,"

and then now-- now I really, really want

to have babies with you.

-(laughs) -I love that you've done that.

I can't. I can't.

I can't believe I've just seen you

do an impression of him.

-I feel so bad. -No, don't. Don't. Don't.

You totally drew that out of me.

Feel good. Feel good.

Yeah, you did. You--you've actually--

-You yanked it out. -You've been worse than I have.

You're the devil.

Um...

well, you're the devil's good friend.

Thank you.

(spacey music)

(upbeat music)

WOMAN: * Im-ma-ma-material, immaterial *

(heavy electronic music)

Man, I can't believe you've never seen Die Hard.

-WOMAN: Partytime! -Bruce Willis

is so badass.

I'll be the judge of that.

-Oh, yeah, I bet you will. -WOMAN: Partytime!

This is my service dog, Partytime.

I need him to get around.

We were just at the deli, and then...

I can't find him anywhere.

Have you seen him?

Well, have you seen my Partytime?

Uh, first of all, chill.

-Yeah, chill. -Yeah.

-Secondly, no. -No.

Well, will you help me find him, please?

Will you help me find him?

There's a 35-millimeter print of Die Hard

screening at Bam in 20 minutes.

Yeah, I've never seen Die Hard, so--

I've never seen anything!

Looks like we're done here.

Dumb bitch, huh?

Anyway, you're gonna love,

love, love, love this Hans Gruber.

I mean, he is totally diabolical.

He's basically my dream husband...

-WOMAN: Partytime! -GRETCHEN: And he comes up

with this brilliant plan to break into a skyscraper

and steal, like, $600 million worth of bearer bonds.

Hey, w--hey, isn't that-- isn't that Partytime

right there?

WOMAN: Partytime!

Here, boy!

And?

WOMAN: Here, Partytime!

So shouldn't we go back there and tell her?

Oh, Jerome, no!

Do not go soft on me.

No, I'm not getting soft on you.

I'm just saying the dog is right there

and she's right there. She needs help.

Hold on. I-I'm confused.

We--we don't know that lady's dog.

I mean, that is not who we are.

It's who I used to be.

What does that mean?

It means I can't leave

that woman's dog on the sidewalk.

Look, you don't care about what people think,

and that's so cool, but I mean,

it doesn't seem like you really care

what people feel either, and...

I don't know. That's not really me.

Hope you can find your Hans Gruber someday.

(sucks noisily)

Typical.

(melancholy piano music)

*

WOMAN: * Chin up, chin up

*

* Chin up, chin up

*

* Chin up, chin up

*

* Yo, yo

(cell phone chimes)

* Chin up, chin up

*

(music brightens)

*

(spacey music)

(spacey music)

*

(birds singing)

Hmm.

(both gasp)

(both gasp hopefully)

(gasps)

(grunts softly)

(grunts softly)

(Sophie's "Faceshopping")

*

WOMAN: * What?

* Professor?

* Oh

*

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na *

(pained scream)

* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na *

*

* Na, na, na, na, na

* Na, na-na, na-na

*

* My face is the front of shop *

*

* My face is the real shop front *

*

* My shop is the face I front *

*

-(clear music) -CHORUS: * Yes