Original subtitles

I thought to start from the beginning.

But that's not how I remember it.

Everything is a series of fragments.

Repetitions.

Pattern formation.

When there are no words for the pain...

...let your imagination transform what you know.

Conglomerate is the movement of the earth in the freedom of the water.

A ring around a stone is lucky.

Smooth and small.

Sandstone is calming and clear. Slate, naturally rational.

Red sandstone is the blood of the earth.

You believe in blue.

Sorry.

Memories...

...are stories.

It's better to invent one with the which you can live.

I. HOLD YOUR BREATH

A smiling face.

Flower.

Christmas tree.

To.

Claudia, go upstairs. Go!

Now!

Let me know when you're done.

We can stay here all night.

Damn!

It's so delicious, Claudia. I really think this will

make you feel better instantly.

Make you feel better instantly.

Sing with me, Belle.

Come on, Lidia Belle. Sing with me. You know all the words.

It was my voice that disappeared.

Sometimes I think she got the job done.

-I wrote... -...images and true things...

-... lies alternately. -That made me feel like...

-It made me feel like another person. -For God's sake!

-I wrote words to belong. -It's your daughter!

No daughter.

For swimmers.

For safety.

For girls. You give me goosebumps and it gives me a headache.

Mom.

Her hair.

Her scars.

Her story.

I won a prize for this story, Belle.

And your father...

...won an art prize for this drawing.

So absent she was.

And my sister. My adoration.

My sister. My reverence.

You look like a beggar with that baggy, ugly shirt.

It doesn't do you any favors.

Look at me.

Are you trying to look like a man?

My sister. She takes everything.

My sister. She takes everything.

In the house.

Alone in my room.

My arms hurt.

My sister left.

My mother is...

...absent.

My father draws houses room next door. He smokes.

Hey my dear.

I hope until five in the morning.

I ask you

be able to swim.

My little girl.

You're growing up so fast.

Adolescent.

In high school. I don't believe it.

Okay, line up. Girls, weigh-in time.

You know how it works. A slap for every kilo above.

Torres.

Good girl.

That. That's it.

Reimer. 1.5 kilos.

Come on, baby.

Yuknavitch.

One for you, freshman. Let's do it right.

How many kilometers are needed

to swim

even a me?

How many...

...damn kilometers?

We broke the record! Damn, we broke the record!

Our medalists relay gold

Florida medley Aquatic Swim Team

they had the best time from the entire country.

Congratulations.

The scouts are watching, third years.

So you really want this, right?

You only got three rooms.

If they really wanted you, They would have given everything, wouldn't they?

"We are pleased to offer a partial scholarship."

Half. You are better than that.

The last one.

In my head, I was swimming laps.

You didn't even get a full scholarship.

Don't blame me.

If they don't want you, you don't belong there.

I could taste blood.

The answer is no.

Why?

Because he could.

What?

And I was his.

Hey, look at me.

Look at me.

I only want the best for you. You know that.

I knew he could feel it.

That pink muscle.

That squeezes

and press...

You should be It's warming up outside.

...with all my strength.

Lidia!

Need help?

I'm a coach at Texas Tech.

Nice to meet you. Let's talk.

We would like to have You are on our team.

Yes.

I almost loved her.

Come on, Belle.

I know you, Lidia. I know what you do.

And it's disgusting. Can you hear me?

It's very disgusting, Lidia. You should be ashamed!

This is control.

I control myself.

You don't know how far I can go.

My room holds the wet and dark of my body.

It smells like my sweat

and chlorine.

Hi. Can't sleep, can you?

Yeah, me neither.

Come here. I want to talk to you.

Sorry if I have been I've been so hard on you lately.

I think I just...

...I'm so worried with you out there.

Things will be different when you go to college.

I want you to listen to me.

He told what the boys they were going to do it to me.

How were they going to get their dirty hands under my skirt and eat me.

Feel my breasts.

Suck them.

How much do the boys they could be disgusting.

Their hands, their hips wanting to get in and go up.

And their dicks.

And his.

I sit next to him,

feeling his heat without even looking.

What are you doing out here?

What's your problem?

I want you to know

that I love you.

You are a fucking whore.

Do you have anything to tell me?

Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

What did you just say?

Fuck you... you son of a bitch.

Leave me alone, dammit!

Everything I thought about

it was in my gaping pussy.

Open like a mouth... screaming.

You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch.

I didn't know that a body girl could do that.

Ejaculate.

My food, my thoughts, my friends, my place.

My drink, my days, my nights.

-My sex, my drugs. -My.

Something so pushed down on a body

that had to explode.

Yuck!

Where do you think you're going?

I know you.

You're not going anywhere.

So far from my father.

So far from my father...

I just want...

I love your hands.

I love your voice.

They are my father and my brother who have real voices.

I always hear them in my head.

Is it true?

What do they say?

They just sing "Amazing Grace."

Voices of God.

Eat me.

Oh, really?

Poor Philip.

I wish I could go back and apologize.

Fuck you, all of you!

Suck me!

He's just an ordinary James Taylor

singing with all my soul here in Texas!

And sometimes I wonder

If you still think about me

This world may never change

The way it always was

And I know that peace will come

Why do you always do this, Lidia?

It's fun, go!

It's fun! You know that.

You're a... fearful!

Come on, learn to accept...

...a joke. You are very sensitive.

This is one of the things most pathetic things I've ever seen.

That's what... That's what I'm talking about.

How to talk with a door handle.

Why don't you say something?

Please say anything.

I'm a bitch damn, so why

that you don't do anything about it?

You're not a bitch.

Fuck you, Philip!

You don't even fucking know me.

Philip means "horse lover".

Holy shit.

Or "brotherhood".

Wake up, you son of a bitch!

Hey Lids. Do you want to get out of here?

She's fine. I'll take her back.

Hey, close the door.

Just close the fucking door!

I didn't see you at training.

Yes, I was expelled.

Good.

I can still feel my face.

Addiction clearly exists in me.

But I want to describe something else to you.

Something smaller.

It's a smaller word.

Mom?

So small that it can travel through the bloodstream.

Get out of here, Belle.

Get out of here, Belle.

Stay away.

This is not for you.

I'm not going to talk about anything.

I'm not going to talk about anything.

I'm not going to talk about anything.

Dorothy?

He comes. Get up.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Yes. Lidia...

You can talk to us.

Help.

Trust me.

I'm not going to talk about anything.

I always want to say... Yes.

Find meaning in the traffic of life

clearing spiritual barriers.

I'm proud of you.

Do you know this?

I know.

Will you marry me?

And children have their dreams

To hold on

And how they fly

Take us to the moon

Yes, they turn away from you

They move away from you

And they move away from you

And women have themselves To hold on

And how they fly I am surprised

They move away from me

They move away from me

And they move away from me

Honey, you did great.

You did very well!

I made you some tea.

I don't want tea. What are we going to do it?

Lydia...

I love you.

And whatever you want to do, I will support you.

Was that it?

I need more than nothing

of the most passive man from planet Earth!

Sorry, I'm a little sick.

You don't want anything, and you kill me for not wanting anything!

-What were you thinking? -I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking impossible!

I can't stand how nice he is. I just can't take it!

I can't stand his kindness.

But I also couldn't finish it.

I thought maybe there is a world where I...

...will live with you

in Eugene and take some classes that you give.

I don't know. Maybe we can form a small...

...family.

Because I think my life with him It's going to be sad country music.

-And that's the only one... -Lidia, I said yes.

Come home.

It's good.

Legal.

'Cause she left me once

to save his own life.

What are you two doing there? ago? Playing with yourselves?

U ? I bring them to the most beautiful landscape in the world

and they just make nonsense.

Look out the damn window!

Claudia, get the saw under your mother's bench.

Let's go! Let's go.

Here, honey.

As food.

As food.

Don't you want it?

Come on, baby. Just a little sip to warm you up.

Thank God!

Where's the tree?

There.

It's the image.

Welcome home.

Enter. I'll take that.

-Why am I pregnant? -Yes.

Here.

Thanks.

Damn.

Thank you, Claudia.

Remember when you used to make me do things?

Like...

"Here. Bite this apple."

Push it in my mouth.

-"Here. Smell this ashtray." -"Just blow. One, two..."

Gray all over my face.

I would do anything.

You were incredible in my eyes.

I remember when I went down after you moved into the basement.

I didn't understand how smart he was at the time, but...

I used to look at all your things and go through them.

I once found a razor in your bag.

I cut myself off with her.

It burned when I peed.

I know this is a... sacrifice.

No.

It's just...

You were so little.

This is a way of patching up your own life.

Maybe I was waiting for it.

Breathe.

I know.

Let's go. Let's go.

You...

...can do it.

Where is she?

Can I hold it?

Of course.

Just a moment. We're just cleaning...

Her lips are pink.

They're roses.

Just throw it as far as you can.

It's not funny.

Search.

Sorry.

Look. She's all in you.

You're fucking laughing.

What lived and died among us

still haunts me.

II. UNDER THE BLUE

Oh my god, girl! Are you some kind of mermaid?

I am.

Have something to say?

Let it go.

He comes. You deserve this.

Don't you want to come with me?

I'm not even a student. I only stay in the English department.

Do you think Kesey cares? for university rules?

-You'll regret it if you don't go. -They don't even want to enroll me.

Nonsense! I already told tell him about you.

These...

He will adore you.

You don't want to write a romance with Ken Kesey?

Hey guys. Hi, everyone.

You are an idiot.

Hi. This is Lidia.

-Say hi. -Hey.

And then.

What do we have here?

A rebel with high grades?

I know what happened to you.

Death sucks.

Damn.

Jeff, can you roll one? I hate sitting in a room full of writers.

The chair can handle it.

I want all of you...

I want you all be winners.

I want them to be warriors.

Warriors. I will give it to you the warrior's test.

Shit floats. Cream rises.

Shit floats. Jerry Rubin.

Cream rises.

Ferlinghetti.

Lord Buckley.

Lenny Bruce.

The big ones.

I want you to be great.

Damn, why would someone...

...we have to create our culture in the next 50 years

and I want it to be you. There are only two rules. One:

Don't talk about the plot of our romance

with anyone who isn't from that group.

Two: I'm 50 percent of the class,

so we just write together,

because we are going to publish or sink together.

Nelson Algren said:

"The work of the writer

is to drag the judge to the pier,

to make the Almighty feel what it's like to be down there."

He'll be fine.

Marijuana never killed anyone.

So, let's see.

At once. Write some bizarre phrases.

Hey! Where are you?

Do not take tranquilizers before class.

Now dive into your imagination. Let's go!

Immerse yourself in your imagination. Nobody It's in the room besides you and the pen.

Better.

That's it. This is sensational.

I wrote "Demon Box" here.

This room here is a creative space. It's a creative place.

Hey, Bennett. You didn't bring tranquilizers, did you?

This type of drug stays in the body, not in the head.

It's on LSD, psilocybin, San Pedro.

Something that can break your ego so you can hear your inner voice.

And you write from that voice.

You want your voice to come out.

Jesus...

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I have fighter's knees.

T .

Let's leave before the sun sets.

I want you...

...know someone.

Let's go!

Fuck you, God!

God made mistakes in the commandments. I think there's an eleventh.

And it should be the first commandment. Have mercy.

Lord, have mercy!

Imagine if everyone had mercy each other, where we would be today.

You see a guy on the street in need of money. Give it to him.

Have mercy. He needs it.

He wouldn't ask if you didn't need it.

Pity.

They're going to have to hire me to rewrite the Bible.

What are you, some kind of mermaid?

I am.

You know, when Judd died, my son,

I wanted to cease to exist.

And everyone who spoke He said something stupid to me.

Or nothing.

No one understands death anymore.

It used to be sacred. So sacred.

Damn. Nobody is big enough to

load what happens to us.

No one is big enough to carry what happens to us.

Have something to say?

It's in your hands.

All about my father it was in his hands.

It's all about coordination.

A perfectly balanced dance.

Of shadow and light.

Before my father was my father

he was an artist.

Your father won a prize for this drawing.

Before my father was an artist

he was an athlete.

Before my father was my father...

...he was handsome.

And so was she.

Before my father was my father

he was a boy.

Just a boy

whose mother cut out his tongue.

Before I hate you

I loved him.

Look up. If you don't look Wherever you go, you fall, understand?

At the end of the descent you just brake enough to make the turn. Okay?

Go. Look at the road!

Continue.

Head up!

I look at the road. You need to brake!

Mike!

-Get a flashlight! -Why?

I think she got hurt down there. It's bleeding.

-What happened? -Just close the fucking door!

Did you finish the chapter?

Everything I was was my body bleeding

Hello!

I'm a writer.

Thanks.

We are gathered here because we want to see the result.

We want to witness the results of this experiment,

a collaborative novel

written by us.

So let's give the welcome to the first

of clowns not so happy on stage

to present "Caves".

Lidia, come here.

I will get it right.

My thigh behind the knee...

You too? My ass.

Behind my knees, and they are...

Lidia's father.

What can I say? I'm a big admirer.

Mike, right?

Yes, that's right.

Good that you could come.

Lidia and I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

and Sometimes Give a Great Madness together,

and they are brilliant. I mean, brilliant books.

You know, Mike...

Lidia here...

She manages to hit the nail on the head.

Do you want me to autograph it?

Thanks for coming, Dad.

To... Mike?

Could it be.

"For Mike."

"Be...

...brave."

Here you go, Mike.

-Here, man. -It cost.

I saw many writers come and go.

You have what it takes.

I have something for you.

Here.

Take it.

Comes from the beach most spiritual on Earth.

Safe.

You can hold everything.

You'll hold it all, girl.

So...

What's next?

-Next? -Next. What's next?

Next.

I want to write "The Sound and the Fury".

Of course you do, friend.

Oh, Jesus...

-Play and see if I catch it. -Ready?

Shit!

Everything depended on her getting in.

There is no metaphor.

-T . -Fuck metaphors.

-T . -It's just a stone that fell.

-I'm going to get the rock and go take a piss. -T .

That's it! You can do it.

That was the last time I saw him.

You know how to write, girl!

In my version, he drowned.

III. THE WET

Caddy wants to fuck. She is insatiable,

and how the neighbor has a huge volume in the pants

and a sound that comes out of it instead of language,

she goes to him and take off all your clothes,

then he eats her at the end

and crushes it.

He eats her to death, and she loves it!

She laughs until she cries and an ambulance needs to come.

But it's too late.

This is "The Sound and the Fury".

Banal.

I've already read "The Sound and the Fury".

Rework Faulkner It's just a college thing.

Maybe try something original.

My God, I hate them.

What the hell does he know?

It's original. It's a damn pastiche.

Hey, want to go to the beach? I reserved a room for us.

Hi, Hannah.

In fact, let's work at it over the weekend.

He comes. Your fly is open.

Lids...

What is this?

Do it if you have the courage.

He comes.

Anything.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

Please be careful.

Anything. Anytime. Anywhere.

Feel absolutely nothing.

-I'm going to get firewood. -Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

This is like a...

...trip to fuck?

What?

I never... I never liked pussy.

I wanted to stay like that.

Beyond all words.

Inside the nameless wet.

Are you okay?

I love you, Lids.

I really love you.

See you later.

In the water,

like in books,

you can leave your life.

I got! I got.

-I remember a happy childhood. -Come, come!

-We dive, we swim, we compete. -You were quick this time.

We laughed like other children.

I remember full names as Evie Kosenkranius

and Lynn Colella-Bell.

Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell. Lynn Colella-Bell.

Looping music in my head.

Mononucleosis?

Isn't it the kissing disease?

No. Don't be silly.

Everything's going to be okay, Belle. You'll see. You will improve.

And your father will take good care of you.

-No? -We turn around.

Mom is going to sell some houses.

Hey my dear.

My little girl.

In a few days it will pass.

-Language allows me to express... -That's it.

...like four weeks it could be years.

It is the malleable surface of a white page.

Did you show this to anyone?

No.

Skin, scars...

People always ask me why that my work is so dark.

What do you know about pain, Lidia?

I know

that this matters to me.

I will take care of you.

He understands?

Ask me what you want now.

It's not true, angel.

I...

...I want you...

Knock it out of me.

...whip me.

Where do you want to be whipped, angel?

Everywhere.

Take this somewhere.

Take the pain somewhere.

Mom.

I'm proud of you.

I'm not trying you make it uncomfortable.

I'm trying to be accurate.

IV. RESUSCITATIONS

"Mommy cried, daddy smelled my pussy.

My best moment was hit, he declared.

I was sure what he wanted say. It's the moment of truth.

I go, go, go, masturbate.

My hands will break. I don't even recognize my body.

It doesn't matter. I know you are mine. I made you, I make you.

I swore to live for pleasure. My language It's huge. It goes up to the waist.

You see your real father in your moment of truth.

God Almighty, nothing matters. You are my God, my daughter.

I adore you. Make it so I can satisfy you. Look at her.

It's big in my gnarled hand. Kiss.

My father declared again, I am Fucking God and I created God. Holy crap!

Just look at God and he is happy because I made him cum.

God is in heaven. I I'm in heaven and I died.

I cum all over your face. I licked his cum.

-That disgusts me.

ALLEGORIES OF VIOLENCE

Who the hell do you think you are?

My father's daughter.

I'm a woman who speaks to herself in lies.

Holy shit.

Year one.

Vodka!

I drink vodka almost all the time.

-One dose straight, straight. -And I didn't feel anything about myself.

We drink, we laugh, we fuck. We do shadows of bodies fucking in paint.

We perform. We perform ourselves.

Fuck you, God!

Open the door!

We engrave our names on each other's arms.

I did this for you!

We fuck infected.

It was right in front of me, Devin. I saw exactly what happened.

-You don't even understand. -What?!

That I will marry you.

By Mike and Dorothy!

I'm so glad they fucked up.

To skip to the year six when stories

submerged they start to scratch

and screams start a rhythm where the drink gets louder...

Go kiss women I know and I don't know!

What is a couple over time but a repetition?

I'll give you a repeat. Your conversation

fiada is taking over the house!

I was taking care of the house.

I don't want to fuck.

I want to read.

He is going to screw it up.

I didn't want to drink.

I wanted to write.

What is a couple over time?

Year seven. I finished my thesis.

Year eight I got a doctorate.

Year ten.

We pretend.

You said

who would love me until I die.

You said we would die together in love.

You told me that.

Where are you?

Where's the man?

Who would love a woman like me?

Don't even think.

The date of your reading June 15, 1998.

"The date of your reading."

What?

Receive...

...reading an excerpt of your first

collection of short stories "Their Other Mouths".

Lidia Yuknavitch.

Lidia, please.

"The day my daughter was born.

After I held the future.

Stillborn.

And pink.

And pink lips.

And pink lips on us my arms shaking.

Small tragedies are difficult to organize.

Chronology convinces us that we are going to a real place.

'Swimmers, on their marks.'

A pistol shot.

A pistol shot fired our flesh tense.

Parents were often unsustainable while

the little women they swam for their lives.

'Nothing.

Nothing!

Quick!

Come on, baby.

Stronger.

Stronger!

Faster!'

A cacophony of swelling men

and pressing against the wet movement.

How many times have I slipped into the chlorinated depths

and secretly waited exchange this worthless skin

and produce something...

...amphibious

and genderless?

The question is

that this thing of letting everything in

and wait to see what comes out

It's scary

and idiot.

And it's starting to piss me off

I have to think about all this.

What I'm saying is...

There is a woman in a room who is tired of looking down

and bleed

and endure, wish and yearn

and you're tired of being open

with no hope of getting stitched up.

It's not that I want let this disappear.

It's just that

I want...

Want...

...come from somewhere else.

There are moments with years between them that appear with great force."

-Remind me why we're here.

-I thought it was your idea. -I came with you.

Delirium.

Grown women are idiots.

I don't know.

She begged.

I changed my name.

Lidia! Lidia!

-Turn him around.

-Help me!

"Kill.

Or suck the kill back.

And pump it in

of someone else's story.

My father lost his memory due to lack of oxygen that day.

I didn't kill him.

I didn't save him.

I'm learning to live on land."

Thank you for...

Did your parents read the story? What did they find?

Enjoy New York. Get an agent.

Lidia, nice to meet you. Thank you for being here.

Excuse me.

Do you have something...

...a little stronger?

Thanks.

Carol Houck Smith, Norton Publishing.

It was very impressive what did you do there.

Thanks.

No, seriously. It didn't seem easy.

Is there more where this came from?

Maybe something longer?

You should send me something.

It's just that

something in me had been born...

...stillborn.

V. THE OTHER SIDE OF DROWNING

It's a small stone that I carry.

The shame of wanting something good.

My life!

Fucking trash.

Hey, what are you doing? Keep working.

Hi.

The cutting block. Peer assessment.

Who wants to start?

It's very useful. You can't live the wrong life.

It's the story they told you. Yours is equally important. It's yours.

It must hurt, but I'm happy for you.

Don't even care!

Something small and specific caught my attention,

an important detail,

a bruise on her nose bone

that made me realize that your eyes were blue, like mine.

As?

I paid 100 dollars to her pimp. I ask her to come in.

I ask her to sit.

In the story I say:

"That's what it's like to be me.

A woman who teaches English,

looking at a woman who sucks dicks

who spends all day on my couch

smoking.

When I look at her, I think that she looks like Maria.

When I see an image of Christ

I imagine Maria so consumed, thin and tired

and so furious at the edge from the exhaustion that

can barely load the face itself.

In the story I say:

"What should I do?

Teach her?”

That's what I, a recovering addict,

I think when they give me something so infinitely

small as words to believe.

I look at her.

I offer words.

People always tell me:

"Those things in your stories Did they really happen?"

That's not the question

when it comes to life?

Did this really happen to me?

Andy.

I don't know.

Things that happen to we are true.

But writing is another story.

I hoped we could discuss my manuscript.

Of course. For sure.

I also want to lend you my car.

I saw you taking the bus

and I happen to have two cars.

You understand a lot about a person when you see it in the water.

Thanks.

-Why? -For letting me swim with you.

I read some of your stories. I know swimming is important.

I always let my students choose the place.

I wanted to say that I've seen you a few times before.

I read that Ken Kesey taught at university,

when I was abroad. I signed up for the course,

but it was already full.

-Damn. How funny! -Yeah, I know.

I saw you walking by creative writing department.

I was reading that you did at Gerlinger.

It's strange. Strange.

Strange.

It was a strange day for me.

Why?

My father...

...it was mine...

My father...

Your father?

...abused me.

Your father.

As?

Sexually.

Crap.

I hope he has taken heavy karma.

In fact, it did.

Great.

It's been a long time. I was a person completely different then.

So who are you now?

I am your teacher.

And then, teacher, go accept my car?

I don't really know how to tell like

see the little woman swimming for life itself.

I mean...

Are you completely crazy?

No.

You think I'm someone else.

I can see the mother in you.

There's more to your story than you imagine.

- It's beautiful. - yes.

Beautiful.

We just go this way, to the left.

And the room?

They said it will be ready tomorrow, for sure.

It must have been a strange trip.

Thanks.

You never have to thank me.

-I am fine. -He is sure?

I have.

Hi, dad.

-Marilou? -No, it's me. I'm Lidia.

I know, baby.

I read this book.

- ? -Yes.

Do you know who wrote it?

You.

That's right.

Have you read all the stories?

There was one about swimming.

I liked this one.

Thanks.

But not very flattering for me.

I won an award for this story.

I went to New York.

, not bad.

It's beautiful here.

It's a real house that you have here.

Very good.

Very well done.

The safest memories are locked

in people's brains that they don't remember.

Get her, Mike!

You know I don't swim. - Claudia, look for your sister!

Underwater forever.

That's it, friend.

Look, I'm swimming!

What it was?

The water will get into my nose, in my ears and in my brain.

Miles...

How many times Did you see mom swim?

Often, right?

Have you ever thought

that I never had water on the brain?

The water never entered my brain.

Want to see? Look at this.

Tell me how much water enters my brain. Okay?

It saw?

Okay, go.

I have a joke very important.

I'll put my whole head underwater.

And we will look at each other underwater.

-What kind of joke is this? -I invented it.

The secret is

invent things.

It's not nonsense what I'm saying.

Enter.

The water will hold you.

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