Original subtitles

Y'all remember the good old days

when people actually looked out for one another?

all: Yeah.

Nowadays, everybody for they damn selves.

You can't even steal your next door neighbor electricity

without them calling the damn police on you.

I'm telling y'all we need to get back to kindness, love,

and treating each other right.

All y'all can start right now by Cash Apping a bitch $40.

Come on, y'all.

It's time to make America give a fuck again.

Yeah, that's right.

Let's get this damn show started.

- Oh, hey, Janelle. - Hey.

What you doing back from college?

I hope it ain't to get to your room back,

'cause I don't wanna have to beat your ass for it.

Oh, my God, no.

I'm here to do some laundry and steal some food.

Ah.

That's my girl.

How you been enjoying everything so far?

Uh, it's been really special, you know?

Better than I could have imagined.

- Is that right? - Mm-hmm.

Better than you could have imagined, huh?

- Mm-hmm. - Huh.

Who you been fucking?

Huh?

If you can huh, you can hump.

You've been humping, ain't you?

What?

I see. You are crazy.

I don't know what gave you that idea.

Ah. Who is he?

Or she?

I mean, you know, we listen and we don't judge.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't worry. Your scalp gon' tell me.

- My scalp? - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, oh! Okay!

It was a he.

Yes! Come on.

Okay, I ain't gonna tell nobody.

My lips are sealed.

Yours, not so much.

Oh, my God! Please stop!

All right, well, besides "Kama Sutra,"

what you been learning at college?

Well, if you must know,

my Black Women's Literature professor has us

reading all types of stuff like activism, feminism.

Oh, look at this right here.

Oh, Janelle, I was hoping you'd get smarter.

Not damn more annoying.

What's annoying is that smoke detector.

Somebody needs to fix that.

No, they just need to take the battery out.

I don't even hear the shit no more.

Then we all gonna damn die.

Well, those of us that can't run.

What's up, y'all?

Hey, Dad.

Why are you home so early?

You done got fired?

Oh, man.

Come on now, T.

You can't be fired,

'cause I can't be the sole provider in this house.

Provider?

Girl, you three years behind on your damn rent.

That's exactly why I can't be the sole provider, Pat.

No, Dad. What happened? You got fired?

You know I-- I can't go back to the hood.

Boy, you know damn well

you ain't never been in no damn hood.

Well, that's why I can't go back.

Oh, my God, would y'all let the man speak?

Dang! - Thank you, baby girl.

Now, you ain't getting fired, are you?

No, I didn't get fired!

However,

I am not sure what I got to say is gonna be much better.

Well, what is it, baby?

The president is in town.

And he's trying to get back in good graces with the unions,

so he asked to have dinner with a member tonight.

Okay.

And what's that got to do with anything?

The union chose me--us--

to host the president for dinner tonight.

The president of what?

♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

Now, what the fuck was that?

The president.

The fucking president-president?

Of the United States.

Yeah, I'm about to go viral.

TikTok starts now.

Boy, you're not ticking or tocking nothing.

Nobody needs to know about this.

Well, then, if you're so ashamed,

why are you letting him come here in the first place?

Yeah, how many abusers you gonna bring to the house

this year, T?

Hey, look. It wasn't me, Denise.

It's my union.

They picked me, and I can't let them down.

Out of all the Black people in the union,

they chose you to make themselves look good?

Exactly.

Moral imagination. I just learned about that.

Now, if the president uses us as a photo op

to push his agenda, it makes us just as bad as he is.

Even if our intentions are self-preservation,

it's morally wrong if it hurts other people.

- What? - What?

You know what, y'all?

I know this is hard, gang, all right?

But we can make this a lot easier if we all just relax

and ride it out together.

Hmm? - Mm.

That's what they all say before they fuck you in the ass.

Yep, and no Vaseline, Terry.

They just using you, baby. Can't you see that?

Baby, they not using me, all right?

This union has been good to us. This job has great health care.

Baby, you've been sick a lot lately.

You wanna pay for all them hospital bills yourself?

What kind of food that nigga like?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ugh, great. You're falling for it too?

Look.

I know some of these people can make it hard,

but this country will never improve

if we can't just sit here and talk to each other.

Oh, my God. Are you guys serious right now?

Yeah, we serious as a deductible.

Hey, look, y'all. This ain't no game.

Okay? This all hands on deck, the whole family.

Call your brother and your sister.

All right? - Come on, Dad.

You know Ashley is not going for that.

Okay.

Her ass so far to the left, she sitting on one cheek.

I'll text her.

"We are having an emotional problem."

Mm-mm-mm.

"And we need your expertise ASAP.

I smell trauma."

Send.

Ooh, tell her to bring some Mexican food.

I don't think this president want nothing to do

with no Mexicans.

"Bring a shitload of Mexican food."

Send.

Great, so y'all just gonna lie to her.

How else am I gonna get my gay child

to come and have dinner with somebody who want

to take away her right to marry a Shannon Sharpe-looking bitch?

Is that Ashley? That was fast.

Oh, shit, y'all.

We got Ashley. - Yep.

And more importantly, we got tacos.

Look, I got a list of things

that need to be fixed around this house before tonight.

Wait. Hold on, Dad. That look like a lot of stuff.

- Yeah. - Why we got to do all this?

We not in the union.

I'm not lifting a finger for that dictator.

Hey, look, if you live here rent-free,

don't say nothing to me.

- I pay rent. - No, you don't.

I pay in coochie, Terry.

And you in default, Patricia.

Oh, my God, please kill the visual, Jesus.

Hey, listen.

Y'all go ahead and get to it. I'm gonna go grab my tool bag.

Denise, for the thousandth time,

would you put some new batteries

up in that smoke detector, please?

I got you, T.

Ain't nobody doing that shit.

Listen.

I need to make this presidential dinner

work in my favor.

And just how do you plan on using America's evil stepdaddy?

Well, when I get my presidential pardon,

I can get a loan and start making some real money.

They keep denying me because I'm a felon.

Are you sure it's not that 480 credit score?

Don't make me tell your mama all the things I saw

when I borrowed your laptop.

They should give felons a second chance.

Okay, I'm here. What's going on?

Where's the emotional constipation at?

What's going on? Where the trauma?

Oh, don't worry. It's on its way.

What is she talking about?

Well, your president is coming to dinner.

The president of what?

all: America.

Oh, hell no!

Ashley, I'ma need you to fix your face, okay?

'Cause I'm trying to get this pardon

and your mama need to keep her health care,

so we all got to play good Negro today for your daddy.

Ain't nobody playing no good Negro.

Why the hell did they pick Pops?

I mean, it's obvious.

Dad's a veteran, he's middle class, a union man.

If he was white,

he'd have a whack war movie made about him by now.

Sam Jackson is Terry Carson.

In "The Unionator Strikes Back."

I'm sick and tired of these mother-freaking pots

on this mother-freaking belt line.

Hold up, Ma.

Did you really have me spend my good Black money

from my good Black job to buy that tyrant Mexican food?

Oh, wow.

This reminds me of a book I'm reading

called "Righteous Discontent."

It's--

Don't even try, Janelle. This family don't listen.

They just talk right over you even when you're in the middle

of a really good point that could

actually-- both: Shut the fuck up, Ashley!

See?

Yeah.

Okay, would everybody please just focus?

'Cause I'm trying to get this loan approved today,

and that's on period, okay?

Now, once I get my salon, I can diversify my portfolio

and become a billionaire like the president.

He's not even a billionaire.

You know what? Y'all didn't deserve Kamala.

She was too good for this country.

Man,

that's why I don't know why anybody even bothered to vote.

all: What?

What kind of fucking stupid shit is that?

You know how many people died

and had water hose put up they fucking nose

so you have the right to vote?

I get that, Ma,

but are we all gonna sit here and act like

I'm the only one who saw them freaks storm the Capitol?

I mean, they was gonna take this country back

no matter who won.

Hey, listen.

This thing has got me uneasy too.

Now, if he is truly willing to listen

to what some Middle America Black folks gots to say,

then maybe something good can come out of all this, huh?

Well, you do know Professor Evelyn Brooks Higginbotham

says you need to bridge-- - Uh, Janelle.

Nobody wants to hear the end of that sentence.

I do.

Thank you.

He's early. We not even ready yet.

I'll never be ready.

Okay, well, go on and answer it, T.

All right, all right. Hold this.

Terry, we got your back, baby.

- All right. - Yeah. Let's go.

- Hey, what up, Pop? - Hey, what's up, Brandon?

Who the fuck is this?

Well, since you asked so nicely, this is Miguel.

He's one of my students from my gaming and programming class.

Oh, you still teaching them kids?

I thought you went back to stripping.

Stripping?

No, I used to strip computer parts.

More like strip down to your body parts.

Miguel, this is, unfortunately, my family.

Very nice to meet you, Miguel.

Nice to meet you, but y'all gotta go.

Uh, you got--you gotta go.

Wait, why? We always have guests.

Who's so special that we can't add one more person?

- The president. - The president of what?

all: America.

Wouldn't that be crazy, Mr. B?

Like, what if the president was really coming to your house?

Yeah, if he would have saw us all here,

he probably would have a heart attack and DEI.

Get it? It sounds like die.

Brandon, I know you have trouble reading, but just--

just read the room.

Hell, no. Are y'all serious?

all: Mm-hmm. - Yes.

Mr. B, you said I'd be safe here.

Look, it's not safe for Miguel here.

We gotta go. I'm sorry. We gotta leave.

Come on, Miguel. We'll go.

Oh, my God!

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on, boy?

It's the men in black! They real!

It's not a movie! It's not a movie, Daddy!

That's the Secret Service, Brandon.

Oh.

So wait. This is happening?

I can't let them see me, Mr. B.

Okay, look, look. Just give me a second to think.

All right?

Oh, this could take a while.

What's going on? Why is he so scared?

Okay, look.

I brought Miguel over here to hide him.

- From who? - From ICE.

- Oh, my God, Brandon. - What?

God damn it, Brandon!

Do this look like the Underground Railroad?

Explain, Brandon, quickly.

Look, early this morning,

Miguel's parents were detained by ICE.

- What? - Yeah.

Agents came to the school looking for him,

but the principal wouldn't let 'em in,

so I snuck Miguel out, thinking that he would be safe here.

What if they take me, Mr. B?

I might not ever see my parents again.

Look, I'm not gonna let that happen to you.

I just wanna go home.

It's gonna be all right, little man, all right?

Damn.

Junebug, Janelle, uh, take Miguel to the kitchen.

Get him a snack. We gotta talk this out.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about this, y'all.

Don't apologize.

We guess you did the right thing.

Damn.

Hey, look, the president is gonna be here in a minute.

We can't be harboring no fugitive, Brandon.

Mm, yeah, 'cause we ain't did that since

Pat had Latrell down on 33rd selling crack and--

What the?

So--so y'all ain't trying

to go down memory lane for a second?

Pop, he's not a fugitive.

I mean, he's not even undocumented.

Damn!

Well, then what the hell do ICE want with him?

Well, look, a lot of times when the parents are detained,

the children get taken into custody too.

And I couldn't let that happen to him.

Damn.

God damn! How much you gonna say damn?

Damn!

I hear you, son,

but that visit today was gonna be hard enough as it is.

I mean, having that child here

puts us and him in danger, Brandon.

Okay, but what do you suggest we do?

Just throw him out?

That's not what I'm saying, son.

Well, if ICE finds him, Dad,

they might throw him in foster care at best.

Why don't you take him to you and Sheila's place?

Pat, Sheila is a cop.

You can't take no illegal shit to no cop's house.

Unless they crooked.

Now, is Sheila crooked?

'Cause if she crooked, I got some parking tickets.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Sheila is not crooked, okay?

That's why I didn't want to put her at risk with her job.

Oh, but you wanna put us at risk.

We could all go to jail, Brandon.

Oh, we got to find a way to get him up out of here.

Uh, I wouldn't go anywhere right now.

There's Secret Service men all around the house.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

I heard them on the roof too.

Too bad they're delivering the wrong gift.

I'm scared, Mr. B.

I don't want to--

Oh, go, go, go, go, go.

Run, boy! Run!

Terry Carson?

Unfortunately, yes.

I am Agent Frost. This is Agent Thomas.

He doesn't speak.

This is everybody?

Only two agents for a presidential visit?

For the moment.

There has been some cutbacks in the government.

Say it ain't so.

Now, you've already been cleared, Mr. Carson,

but we will need to conduct brief interviews

with everyone before king--

I mean Mr. President's arrival.

Everybody down!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, it's just a smoke detector, brother.

It's just a smoke detector, man.

We're gonna need AA batteries.

Chill the fuck out.

I'm cool.

Now, then...

you are Brandon James?

Yeah, I think I want to see my lawyer now.

This ain't "First 48." Sit your ass down.

You know how it is.

Everybody got one of them slow kids.

And yet he teaches children.

That's the education system in America, honey.

The cockeyed leading the blind. They'll take any-damn-body.

No, no, no, ICE ain't taking nobody nowhere.

I mean, um...

Ice Cube.

Don't mind him. He just love Ice Cube.

He think NWA stand for Nigga With Autism.

We're just here to get to know y'all in a friendly

and informal manner.

Oh, so that's why y'all armed to the teeth, right?

Way to be friendly.

Let's start over, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Baby, you barking up the wrong damn tree.

Yeah, he don't need to know all that.

I don't care what he knows.

What you gonna do now, huh?

Throw me in prison for being gay?

Oh, you don't want to do that.

That ain't nothing but a gay buffet.

Pat!

Well, it's all you can eat.

Now, you ate that.

I ain't ate a motherfucking thing.

Okay, see, once in my life, I didn't behave in a manner

that was considered to be in accordance

with what is considered legal.

But then, I changed my life.

Yeah, and I became an upstanding citizen.

And that is why...

I need this loan.

I'm sorry, what?

We're not loan officers.

Oh, come on now. Of course you are.

I mean, can't you see this PowerPoint presentation

that I whipped up for you?

Ma'am, this is not a PowerPoint.

Well, I got power, and you see me over here pointing.

How's our little friend doing?

He's good.

He's a little stressed, but he's up in Janelle's room.

Okay, good.

Young man,

what exactly is your relationship

with the Republican mayor of this city?

Mayor Malinowski?

That no-good son of a--

Terry, we good people. We don't do that.

He was my fake father-in-law.

Okay, what does that mean?

Well, um, I was his daughter's fake baby daddy.

I mean, she lied about the baby being mine,

but I still stepped up and raised the kid myself.

So basically, that mean he's pro-life.

You know, saving white babies.

He the Black Sandra Bullock.

Hmm.

And I understand you're on house arrest.

I was a stay-at-home father.

And another thing.

I know you guys are obsessed

with the First and the Second Amendment,

but did you know that there are other ones too?

Now, according to the Fifth,

and if you don't like that one, the 13th--

You know, I think we're good here.

Patricia, did you vote for the president

in the 2024 election?

Did you vote for Fantasia in 2004?

Fuck no!

I mean no regular.

Neither did I, to be perfectly honest.

That's okay. That's not a problem.

Any particular reason why?

I want you to be honest, baby.

Look, Officer.

Agent.

Look, Agent Officer.

Hell, no, I didn't vote for your boss.

'Cause you know why? This country is so fucked up.

Y'all rather have a dumbass white man in the office

instead of having a intelligent-ass Black woman.

Which is fucked up.

Your boss wear Pampers and he's a crying-ass bitch.

And I don't vote for crying-ass bitches in Pampers.

Completely understand. Completely understand.

I always vote white.

All your skinfolk ain't gonna be your kinfolk, brother.

We don't always get the privilege

to vote for Black people anyway, so.

And we usually have to pick the motherfucker

who want us dead the least.

And that's why I didn't vote for your fucking boss

and that's why...

I like "The Apprentice."

Well, looks like that's everyone.

You boys drive safe.

Don't let the door knob hit you where the good Lord split you.

We know there's someone else in the house.

Who, your imaginary friend?

The young person that ran up the stairs

when we first arrived. - You saw that?

Ma'am, we're Secret Service. We see everything.

Oh, you talking about my little nephew

with the rock star haircut?

Yeah, he's just staying here with us for a little bit.

His mom's going through a lot. - Mm-hmm.

And by a lot, he mean a lot of crack.

You know, that stuff y'all put in our community.

- Can I get his name? - His name is--

- Tyrone. - Tyrone it is.

Yeah, little--little Tyrone with the good hair.

Can you bring him down here, please?

Hey yo, Tyrone, come on down here.

As you can see, we got some Indian in our family.

This is your nephew?

On the DeBarge side of the family.

Don't be shy.

Tyrone DeBarge, like little Chico's little boy.

How old are you?

Uh, he's mute, just like your agent.

He only speaks in Horus code.

I'm sorry. Do you mean Morse code?

No, his brother Horus made this shit up.

He told me to tell you he's 12 years old.

I meant 13 years old.

What does he think about the president?

Hey! Don't--

don't be yelling in my house.

Apology accepted.

Ah, yes.

So little Tyrone says that he thinks that

the prez is cool and that he's doing a fine job.

Whoa!

He said make America great again,

and he can't wait till the president

create some jobs in space.

Actually, I'm going to need to speak with him one-on-one.

- No, no, no-- - You can't--

Go for Frost.

Yes.

He wants McDonald's. Right now.

Oh, no.

We got to go.

Keep him here. We'll be back.

He said fuck.

Where the hell is Denise?

Please rise for the national anthem.

You look like a political peppermint.

Yeah, and why you got him dressed like that?

Well, don't he look like he love America?

And plus, I thought

it would make them back off a little bit.

Now they gonna think the boy mute andblind.

I can't believe y'all dressed up for this man.

See, that's what's wrong with society.

We've normalized this bullshit.

You ain't lying.

Think about Denise with that damn smoke alarm.

Exactly.

It's like their goal is to hit us with so much noise

that we can't even hear

how messed up everything is anymore.

Yeah, that's true.

It's almost like they want us to forget what normal is.

Hmm.

It's kind of hard to forget in this outfit.

I feel stupid.

Well, hold up now,

'cause it's a very thin line between stupid and patriotic.

What are you wearing, Denise?

Oh, fashion.

But you wouldn't know anything about that, M-Men's Wearhouse.

Uh, this is Steve Harvey's "Family Feud" collection,

thank you very much.

Survey says...

both: Bad suit.

How you hanging, Miguel?

I just want to go home, to be honest.

I know, baby.

Hey, we'll get this figured out.

I don't understand how deporting my parents

is making America great.

I guess that's all I want to know.

I don't mean to be insensitive, Miguel,

but how come your parents

just didn't apply for their citizenship?

You being insensitive.

My parents did apply, 13 years ago when I was born.

They still aren't done with the process.

This president is just making it harder.

You feel like a jackass now, huh?

Now, say you're sorry.

You know what I'm gonna do, Miguel?

Just for you,

I am going to demand

that the president bring your parents back.

Right after he pardons me.

Pardon me, Auntie, but, um, you ain't getting no pardon.

Don't kill Denise's dream like that.

Thank you, Pat-Pat.

That's my damn job.

Miguel, don't worry about any of this, okay?

You will find your family again, I promise you.

That's right.

I just want to be a normal kid.

You are a normal kid, Miguel.

You're human.

And the thing that makes us human is love.

Yeah?

And that's the one thing can't nobody ever take away.

That's right.

The love your parents have for you ain't going nowhere, baby.

And neither is the love you have for them.

I know they can feel it, no matter where they are.

Hey, Miguel, I just got off the phone with your aunt.

Now, she's stuck in traffic

because the president is in town,

but she said she's on her way.

Am I gonna have to beat on the table until then?

No, no, you ain't gonna have to do none of that.

I've heard enough.

I can't be breaking bread with no man who believes

in destroying families like Miguel's.

Yeah.

I'm gonna call this visit off now.

Oh, thank God.

♪ You will not be able to stay home, brother ♪

[Gil Scott-Heron's

"The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" playing]

♪ You will not be able to plug in ♪

♪ Turn on, and cop out ♪

Yeah, boy!

♪ And skip out for beer during commercials ♪

♪ Because the revolution will not be televised ♪

I know why they gave you a sentence.

I know why they gave you a sentence.

Now, watch me do this.

What the fuck are you doing?

Get your dying chicken ass over there!

Girl!

All day, none of you guys have been listening to me.

So I decided to protest through my art

so y'all could hear my frustrations.

You know what?

I think we should hear her out,

'cause I sure as hell don't want to see that dance again.

- Yeah. - Sit down.

Well, I just got off the phone with my reps

and I just let them know that the president is not welcome

in this house today or any other day.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's amazing.

Oh, my God.

My dance must have worked.

It must have been this, huh? Or this.

Girl, what dance you talking about?

Dance? Girl, I thought you had crabs.

Dad, is your union gonna be upset?

It doesn't matter, y'all. Whatever happens gonna happen.

We'll figure it out, baby.

I love you, baby. Thank you.

- Love you too. - Yay.

I'm so proud of y'all. That's what I'm talking about.

- Appreciate--yeah, yeah. - Yes.

all: ♪ We shall overcome

Soul clap.

all: ♪ We shall overcome ♪

♪ We shall overcome ♪

Okay, no, no, no.

Okay?

Who done overcame? Okay?

Who done overcame?

'Cause I ain't overcame shit, okay?

This was supposed to be my time for financial security.

Damn, y'all. Now what I got?

I oughta be scratching scratchers.

Fucking scratchers.

Over here, scratching scratchers.

all: ♪ She shall overcome

What you saying now?

all: ♪ She shall overcome ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody-- everybody calm down.

All right? - Didn't you call it off?

No, baby. Just calm down.

We gonna be fine, all right?

Hello. Who are you?

Hi, I'm looking for Brandon James.

- Hi. Ay, mijo. - Oh!

I'm so happy you're safe.

I don't know what I would have done if I lost you.

They were really nice to me.

Yeah?

Thank you, Mr. James, for taking care of him.

Seriously.

I can't thank all of you enough.

No problem. Look, so what happens now?

We prove his citizenship.

I have all his documents, thank God.

Some kids don't even know their status.

ICE would have detained Miguel for God knows how long

without these papers.

Thank you. Thank you all so much.

Of course, baby.

Us Black and brown people got to stick together.

Absolutely.

Wait a minute.

You didn't vote for him, did you?

Oh, hells no!

Well, we stick together then, baby.

And if you need me to hide anybody else,

just tell your people we here.

Okay.

What are you wearing? - Fashion.

Ah, thank you. Vámonos.

- Bye, Miguel. - Bye, Miguel.

Be safe.

Bye, Miguel.

Bye, Miguel. - Auntie.

It's--it's okay. It's real emotional, Auntie.

Just let it out.

I'm not crying about them.

Yeah, I was crying because, like,

nobody acts like I wasn't about to get a pardon.

Oh, my God. Girl.

And then I was gonna get a business loan.

And I was gonna expand my--

my business and everything, Pat-Pat.

You know that?

But now I'm gonna-- just gonna be scratching.

I'm just scratching.

It's always fucking scratching.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay!

I done won $100! Hey!

Tariffs.

Bitch.

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪