Original subtitles

This is "Judge Miss Sofia."

Welcome to "Judge Miss Sofia."

Question for our studio audience.

Hey, what the fuck is going on?

How many of y'all ever wanted to kill your kids?

Kids need to be disciplined just as much

as I do after my fourth martini.

But just because the little shits messed up

doesn't mean you have to go and make the shit shittier.

This ain't Judge Sofia's show.

This is my show, and I do the fucking monologues around here!

Kick her out of here! We don't wanna hear you!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

Bailiff, unleash your dogs.

Who the fuck you calling a dog, Holiday Heart?

Go back to bed, Pat,

and let us help you fuck up Junebug's life.

Mama, why are you dressed like Big Worm in brown?

Ma, help me. They trying to send me to jail.

Junebug!

I have decided on a sentence of...

10 inches.

- Oh, no! - Oh.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I had my freak Twitter account open.

I mean a sentence of ten years.

Yeah, that's right. Take that. Take that.

- He needs that. - That makes sense.

- I would take that. - Ten years? For one mistake?

Ma, come on. Stop this.

I can't handle ten years.

Listen here, little nigger.

If you can't do the time, then don't drive and drink wine.

I hate you, Ma.

What did you say?

together: He said he hate you, Ma!

You're a horrible mother.

I was just trying to teach you a lesson.

You a snitch-ass, Pat.

At least I was kind enough

to wait for white folks to call the cops on you.

Take him away, Mildred.

Let him go!

You did this to yourself, bitch.

And now I'm going to do it to you, you ugly bitch.

You give me back my gavel!

Give me back--

Now get out of my court.

Get off my court.

Give me my gavel!

Bailiff!

What the fuck?

Bailiff!

Bailiff!

Somebody get this big, black n--

Terry!

Terry, what the fuck you hit me for?

Why you hitting me?

What is it, baby? You OK?

Oh, my God, I just dreamed Miss Sofia

sentenced Junebug to 10 inches.

Say what?

And Mildred was in there looking

like Charlamagne Tha God.

God.

Baby, baby, please calm down.

You just fell asleep with that judge show on.

Sweetie, go on back to sleep, all right?

It was only a dream.

OK.

Jesus.

Hey, Pat.

Kiss my ass!

You better not change that channel.

No, I'm not your--

Bye, bitch.

No!

Welcome back to the--

♪ "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

Hey, y'all. Where is Ma and Dad?

We need to figure out this Junebug situation.

Yeah, I know. That's why we're here, too.

Oh, Ash, did you meet my girlfriend?

- Hi, I'm Sheila. - Oh, hi.

I see the friend, but where the girl at?

That's what the fuck I been saying.

OK.

And she a cop.

I still can't believe your parents

put them in there like that.

I mean, drunk driving or not,

that is really no place to put a kid.

How do you think he's doing in there?

About as well as Trump's doing in office.

Uh, excuse me, but I'm a Trumper.

Thank you very much.

Oh, just fucking with y'all.

You should have seen your faces!

Look, I'm taking bets to see how long

it's going to be before Junebug

starts begging to come home.

My guess is by the end of the day.

I'll say by the end of breakfast.

That boy is softer than the poop

you take after eating curry.

Answer the damn question.

I'll come down there and put your nut sack

in a damn ponytail.

Don't you put me on hold!

This fucker put me on hold.

Who are you yelling at this early?

Home Depot.

Oh, Pat.

Can you please ask them how to make a Swarovski crystal wall?

OK? Because I'm remodeling Janelle's room.

I can't wait for y'all to see the vision.

How about you go out and pay your bills

before you go balls to the Swarovski walls?

Um, hi again.

Um, listen, I know plenty of contractors

that could lighten the load for you.

If you give me the OK, I got you.

Can somebody tell me why

the cop who arrested Junebug is here,

and why the fuck she eating my food?

Well, Mom,

I would like for you to officially meet the luscious--

- Ooh. - the loving--

- Ow. - the amazing--

Can you get to the part where you tell me

why the fuck she in my house?

This is the woman that I moved in with,

Detective Sheila Jackson, my girl.

So you just out here eating AAR-pussy, Brandon?

Look, you need to chill out, Ma.

That was uncalled for.

You need to chill the fuck out, first of all.

So madam, I see you like them young.

She just like that chick off of the "Golden Girl."

What's her name?

both: Blanche.

So Blanche, ain't you a little seasoned

to be dating a 30-year-old?

How old are you any damn way?

I'm as young as your son made me feel last night

when he was backing the blue.

Hey!

I'm going to put that right back in the holster.

So Brandon,

you out here hunchin' cops for a place to stay?

I mean, you always did say fuck the police, so--

Man, I ain't say fuck that old bitch!

Wait a minute.

Get your Wolverine nails out, of my--

you grabbing my motherfucking fat!

Pat, now, I know your temper's

all over the place because of Junebug,

but you just got back into Brandon's good graces.

Can you at least pretend to be supportive?

Do I look like a sports bra?

I have not seen Brandon smile like this in a while.

I mean, the heart wants what the heart wants.

And her heart only want a hard-t dick.

Well, that seems like a solid reason to me.

And his heart only want a damn place to stay.

Come on, Denise.

Everybody know that Brandon ain't

nothing but a hobo-sexual.

OK.

He was really determined to prove to us

that he didn't need us anymore.

Exactly. They ain't got shit in common.

What she gonna do is she gonna get bored with him,

she going to dump his ass,

and he gonna be back in my basement.

OK, Brandon does not need another heartbreak.

Why don't you just take a minute and get to know her?

Why don't you get to know her?

What? No.

Why can't you do it?

I got a son in jail.

I got a basement to finish. I got shit to do.

All you got to do is find out what

this woman want with Brandon.

Mm-mm. I don't make friends with feds.

Well, what if I buy your ass that crystal wall you want?

You want me to wear a wire?

If you don't put Janelle bra back up--

Well, it came with the room.

You have a collect call from--

Mama, please!

both: It's Junebug.

To accept this call, press 1.

Denise won that bet.

Ha. Pay up, bitches.

Hey, y'all, shut the hell up.

I want to see what this little convict got to say.

Ma, please drop the charges.

It's a nightmare in here.

I watched a man doo-doo today,

and he-- he watched me watch him.

The whole time.

And then worst part is...

they took my phone, Ma.

No TikTok, no nothing.

I mean, at this point, I'll even take MySpace.

Whatever that was.

Yeah, I--I--I was done.

Pat, if I may--

You may not.

OK.

No, no, no, no, no, baby.

Say what you need to say.

It's just that, um, Indiana jails may seem a little soft,

Pat, but I know that they can be pretty rough.

Don't you think he's learned his lesson by now?

No, the fuck, I don't.

Do you realize he could have killed somebody?

And he calling here, asking for his damn phone?

Let me tell you something, madam.

Just because you dry-humping my son

don't mean you can tell me what to do

with my other fucking son.

OK, look, now, you need to stop disrespecting my woman.

- You need to sit your butt-- - No, I do not.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Ma, why don't you just sit down

and relax for a little bit?

I can't sit down and relax.

If I do, this whole damn house will fall apart.

Well, that's not true, Pat-Pat.

You just won't let us help you.

What?

Oh, my God.

How did Junebug end up in jail?

Girl, you know we all knew Junebug was

going to go to jail one day.

What do you want?

Well, I was wondering, could you

possibly Cash App me some money so I can get some food?

See, everybody want shit from me,

and fuck them cross-eyed contractor,

'cause I know how to do it by my damn self,

'cause I do everything by my damn self!

What the hell you want?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I can do your podcast today.

No, no, you cannot.

Girl, you lost your fucking mind?

I need you to focus on this Junebug situation.

Exactly, because you really know that you don't

want to leave him in there.

Can I just tell y'all something?

Junebug did that shit to hisself,

and he gotta learn a fucking lesson.

And let me tell all y'all something.

I've been a fucking mama since I was in the seventh grade,

so I know what the fuck I'm doing!

I wouldn't brag about the seventh grade no more, Pat-Pat.

- Hey, Ashley. - Hey.

I didn't know you were going to be here.

Yeah, just trying to figure out

why y'all haven't bailed Junebug out of jail yet.

Yeah, about that.

Baby, I've been losing sleep about what we did to Junebug,

and I-- - Wait.

Baby, what's wrong?

Look, Terry, just send Janelle some money.

I gotta go paint the basement.

Well, baby, why are you painting the basement?

'Cause she don't want to think about Junebug.

Why don't you mind your damn business, little girl?

Don't act like you don't remember

how hard jail was for you.

And you can ignore me all you want, but you know I'm right.

That woman loves to distract herself from an emotion.

Yeah, well, you know how your mama is.

She got to stay busy or she going to go crazy.

Heck, when she was in labor with Junebug,

she saw a stroller on sale, left the hospital,

and went to go forge some checks.

Well, it's one thing to be stuck in survival mode at 30.

But at 50?

That's a poor man's mentality.

She treating herself like a machine.

If she keeps going this hard,

she's literally going to self-destruct.

Hey hey, hey. I got my eye on her, baby.

Have you asked her if she's even taken the time

to process Lloyd's death?

And now this Junebug mess?

I'll handle the Junebug situation, Ashley.

But, you know, she can't help but to stay

busy when she's overwhelmed.

You know, that ain't never going to change.

Well, if it doesn't change, how much longer

you think you got on this Earth with her, Pop?

Ten years? Five?

Think about that.

And stop drinking Pepsi. They don't believe in DEI.

So what's y'all playing? Cops and cradle robbers?

All that young energy probably wearing your ass out, huh?

Wow. Um, I'd like to think that our relationship

is deeper than that.

Well, shit. How deep do we go?

Seriously, Auntie?

Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

Oh, don't test the pickle now.

It ain't nothing.

OK.

No, we actually met through this grief counseling group

that I started when my husband died.

Oh, well, damn.

Yeah, feel bad now, do you?

No, 'cause her pussy ain't dead.

I feel really lucky to have found this one when I did.

Nah, I'm the lucky one.

She's so fine, when I want to touch her with my left hand,

my right hand want to fight.

Whoa, back up, little nigga. - You're too much.

Anyway, the group was filled with a bunch of widows

like myself, and we welcomed Brandon with open arms and--

Open legs?

No, I was actually going to say,

and he opened up to us about the death of his father.

Oh, well, I'm just going to stop guessing then.

OK?

Brandon, get on up and give us some time alone.

Why? So you can grill my girlfriend?

No, so I could--

so I could do her hair.

What?

Oh, no, I just had my hair did.

Oh, OK, girl.

Well, you know you could use a little refresh.

Yeah.

- No, actually-- - I insist.

All right, look.

Just don't give her no cheetah print wig.

- Cheetah print? - So what?

The cougar don't fuck with cheetahs?

Come on, now.

I told you I'ma take good care of her.

Go on.

Yeah.

So it looked nice, but, like, what you--

what are you trying to do with this?

Well, I mean, I'm just going to spend

a little girl time with you.

- Oh, OK. - Yeah.

- OK. - OK?

I'm going to touch your scalp, now, OK?

Because I've been told

that I can see a bitch's entire life from touching one nap.

It's called nap-stronomy.

Now you know what?

I'm not really sure if this is a good--

whoa, whoa, hold on now.

Hold the fuck on. - Uh-uh, uh-huh.

See that there? Uh-huh.

- Yeah. - Oh, my goodness!

- What? - Are you from Indiana?

Yeah, born and raised.

Uh-huh.

And you went to Hansberry?

Yep, that's where my niece is at.

Wow, you are really good at this.

Yeah, I tried to tell you.

Oh, oh, shit. Freaknik.

Freaknik. '94.

And '95.

Oh, 'cause--

both: We don't talk about '96.

I know that's right.

Oh, oh,

- Oh, oh what? - Oh, my goodness.

What is it? What is it?

Two STDs?

Hey!

It was some shit you could cure.

OK.

We gonna need to move on,

'cause that's enough right there.

Wait.

Are you sure you don't want to talk about these abortions?

Well, you can't keep them all.

Ashley, give me my damn phone.

Nope. I am your secretary today.

Those people who want you to do their podcast keep calling,

and I keep telling them no.

You can't answer my phone. That's against the damn law.

What law?

Now give me my fucking phone!

Now give me my goddamn phone! - No, mm-mm.

Give me my phone back! Give me my--

Back up. Back it up.

Who ordered Chick-fil-A?

Give me my goddamn phone back.

You know I can't be running.

Bitch, I got on a panty liner.

Give me my goddamn--

give me my phone!

- Ma, stop playing. - Ow.

You ain't got to do all that.

Here go your little phone.

Oh, my stomach hurt.

Wait, for real?

Should I call 911?

No, I'm OK.

Pat, you all right?

What's going on?

This keeps happening.

You need to go back to the hospital

and get yourself looked at.

I know my stomach. I got gas now.

Just back up, 'cause when I let it go,

it going to blow y'all fucking wigs off.

Nah, she going to the hospital.

Mm-hmm.

But since you insist, I'm going to tell you now.

When the ambulance get here, make

sure it's two other niggas in there

so I can split the bill with them.

Well, this is all y'all's fault.

The last time we was here, you said it was exhaustion.

Who knew a nigga needing a nap would put you in the hospital?

So she takes a nap for exhaustion,

and now the bitch's check engine light is on.

Terry, come on.

You got to do something about them

not letting us see her yet.

All right, Denise.

Oh, hold on now. Everybody, just calm down.

It's Janelle.

I don't want her getting scared while she's up at school, OK?

How you doing, baby?

Oh, my God, Dad, please tell me Mom's OK.

We're waiting to hear from the doctor now.

We should have taken this more serious.

Ashley was right.

Ooh, do not let her hear you say that.

Say what?

Nothing. Hold on, Janelle.

Everybody, keep an eye out for the doctor,

and don't panic, OK?

They going to tell me what's up with Pat in a minute.

I can't believe we're back at this hospital.

We wouldn't even be here if all

these male doctors actually listened

to their female patients.

OK, or if these white doctors

actually listened to their Black patients.

But y'all ain't ready for that conversation.

Ashley, did you hear me start the fucking conversation?

- Carson? - Oh, God.

Thank you.

Finally, a Black doctor and a woman.

We're going to have to take Patricia

into an emergency surgery.

Oh, God! Emergency surgery.

Oh, God, I can't take my sister in emergency surgery.

OK, thank you, baby. - I got you.

Thank you.

Somebody's got to be the rock in this family.

We found some gallstones that need to be removed immediately.

Gall--you trying to say my mama got cancer?

Oh, God.

Babe, you going to have to warn a bitch before you faint.

Why is the detective here?

She's Brandon's new girlfriend.

His what?

- Just-- - Mm, never mind.

One crisis at a time. - Mm-hmm.

Listen, Doc, my wife was just here in the hospital.

How and why was this not detected the last time?

I can assure you that Patricia

is in the best possible care.

You should be able to see her in just a few hours.

Yeah, see, but you ain't answered

my question, though, Doc.

These things are often misdiagnosed.

Uh-uh.

I just think you don't want to talk shit

about your sexist male colleagues

who don't give a damn about women unless they fucking them.

But y'all ain't ready for that conversation.

Oh, my God, Ashley, we are in the middle

of the fucking conversation.

Where the fuck am I?

You're on an operating table.

What are you doing here, little me?

I'm here cause you're high as hell and you're seeing shit.

Now, what are you doing here?

You know we hate the hospitals.

Ever since we had Ashley--

Nope, cut.

I don't have the time or the budget

for no deep flashback shit this season!

Fine.

Answer me three questions, and I'll go away.

Are you young me or a damn genie?

Question one.

Why ain't you taking care of yourself?

Fuck you, little me. I do take care of us.

Um, surgery says--

You don't.

I--I--I'm too busy taking care of everybody else.

I got shit to handle.

Like how you "handling" Junebug?

Question two.

Why you do your son so dirty?

I was trying to teach him a damn lesson.

So he got to be in jail for that?

We promised our kids will never see

the inside of a cell like us.

He could have killed hisself!

You just stuffing him in a box

so you don't have to deal with him,

just like you're doing with your emotions,

pretending you don't feel nothing about Lloyd dying.

It's complicated!

Complicated, or are you constipated?

'Cause you're holding it all in your body.

I get to the shit when I'm ready.

Well, the shit's already getting to you.

Still caring for Lloyd is confusing, huh?

Ghost, why don't you worry about your damn self?

I am your damn self, bitch.

Would you heffas shut the hell up so I can work?

Mama, where the fuck you come from?

Who the shit is you cussing at, Gall Stone Creamery?

The devil can't even hold your ugly ass down.

Listen here.

I'm trying to keep these doctors' hands steady

so you can stay on Earth.

Unless you ready to die, Biggie Drawers.

Get these sons of a bitches off me.

Ah! Help me!

Get in here!

Mom, Mom, you all right?

Where am I? What happened?

You had your gallbladder removed.

Everything went well.

It's too quiet in here.

Where the hell is Denise loud ass?

She never liked peace and quiet.

You think you do until you get it.

They ain't never understand that the quiet

ain't so peaceful for us.

If it gets too quiet, all that pain you avoid every day

comes crashing in, doesn't it?

Damn, she really knows, huh?

She just over-educated.

Who are you talking to?

Nobody. Is everybody here?

Everybody but Junebug.

Did he call again?

Yeah, begging and screaming to come home.

You know the only reason why he was drinking

is because me and Janelle moved out.

He said that?

Yeah, he was crying, too.

My poor baby.

I think you should bail him out.

Look, I'm going to go get Dad, OK?

We can deal with this another way.

Don't give Junebug the same past we had.

Hey, Sleeping Beauty.

Terry, we got to get Junebug out the slammer.

Hold up. Where did that come from?

'Cause we've been saying that.

Been on y'all side,

and I regretted it as soon as I woke up this morning.

He just pissed us off so damn bad.

Hey, hey, hey, baby,

don't you worry about that, all right?

I'm going to go and take care of it, all right?

Mm-hmm.

Go and get some rest.

Mm-hmm.

Brandon.

Yeah.

Bring me back some Chick-fil-A.

This hospital food taste like ass.

Ooh, thank you for letting me finish your hair.

It calms my nerves.

Otherwise, I'd be fighting all these doctors in this hospital.

It's all good.

I'm just glad I could be of help someway.

Hey, girl, you ain't never seen a beauty shop in the ER?

If lives can be saved, edges can be laid.

So Sheila.

Yes.

Tell me how you became an opp--

I mean, a cop.

Oh, it's really a no-brainer.

I grew up in Gary,

where you either had to get out or become tough enough to stay.

Oh, that sounds like living with Pat-Pat.

No comment.

Anyway, I became a cop because

I got tired of complaining about cops.

I didn't trust them.

So I decided to become one I could trust.

And yeah, it could be rough as shit out there,

which is why I love coming home to someone

as fun and as loving as Brandon.

He just-- he just makes things brighter.

Really?

Yes. I love your nephew, Denise.

And I'm not running game on him,

he's not running game on me,

which is what you really wanted to know, right?

Who, me?

Yes, you, Inspector Ratchet.

All right, I was snooping on you for Pat-Pat.

But you ain't gotta worry, 'cause you cool as hell.

There's nothing bad to report. - Aw.

I appreciate you. And you know what?

It was really fun getting to know you, too, today.

In spite of your intentions.

It was.

You know what?

I just want to say, well, I mean,

it seems like you and Brandon have what me and Kareem have.

And if you two are as happy as us two, then shit.

God bless. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

I do want to ask you a question, though.

Shoot.

OK.

Well, your scalp had told me that you eat pussy on the side.

Thank you for pulling through, Pat-Pat.

I know how you hate hospitals,

but you did the right thing coming in.

I know.

Can you believe the gall of these fucking stones?

What dirt did you manage to get on Sheila?

No dirt.

And I looked, Pat, but she is the shit.

She is funny, she's chill.

I like her, Pat. I'm sorry.

Damn.

And believe it or not, I think she's good for Brandon.

I mean, when she talks about him, Pat,

it's not lust that I see.

It's love.

Well, I guess that's what matter.

Even though she was alive for slavery.

Hey, we are literally the same damn age.

What is your issue with her?

I just don't like her taking my son from me.

You know, I'm going to miss having Brandon in the basement

to cuss out.

Well, you still got Junebug,

and I'm sure he'll give you

plenty of fun reasons to cuss him out.

Hey, Ma, you OK?

Well, if it ain't Mr. DUI himself?

Dumb, unemployed, and ignorant.

I'm sorry for stressing you out, Ma.

Wait a minute, now.

Is that a teardrop tattoo on your face?

Yeah, they gave it to me because I wouldn't stop crying.

That's not funny.

They putting me on house arrest.

Gotta live with this mess for the rest of my life.

Wait, what? Dad, come on.

What? It wasn't me. I bailed him out.

But drunk driving is a serious crime.

They're going to install an ankle bracelet in a few days.

He's going to be housebound for a while.

No, Bug, I got you.

I'll show you how to take the ankle bracelet off,

because see, Denise Grease is multi-purpose.

So you just put it-- - Denise, shut the fuck up.

I was just kidding.

Can I talk to you guys in private?

Can y'all give us the room, please?

OK, we're just going to listen through the door.

Ma, I'm sorry for everything.

I hate seeing you like this,

but I take full accountability for my actions

and the way they may have affected others.

Where the hell you learn them words from?

Dad made me rehearse it in the car.

But seriously.

I really am sorry.

I appreciate your apology, baby.

I'm sorry, too.

We could have handled that differently.

Damn, are y'all done?

And Pat, next time, flush the fucking toilet.

Well, I'm glad that y'all both learned your lesson

the easy way today so you won't have to learn

the hard way tomorrow.

See, he ready to have the conversation.

Look, y'all, I'm going to slow down

and I'm going to put my health first.

Good, 'cause you ain't got to take

the world on by yourself, Pat.

Yeah?

And Junebug, you going to be paying for all the damages

to your mama's car, too.

- What? - Yes, sir.

- No, Dad. - Mm-hmm.

I thought insurance covered that.

Maybe, maybe not.

But you know your new nickname is Nationwide,

because every damn dime you gonna get

is going to be by my side.

Man, y'all are mean.

But, hey, at least Sheila was nice to me.

Girlfriend's pretty cool, Brandon.

That's what I've been trying to tell everybody.

Matter of fact, is she still here?

Did she leave?

Oh, damn. My bad, B.

She was waiting on you to make her big entrance.

She got her hair did today.

Oh, no.

Oh, Sheila?

I was speechless, too.

Uh, Brandon, you like it, baby?

It's a whole new woman, ain't it, B?

♪ Oh, oh, Sheila ♪

Oh, she looking like a stripper named Candy Corn.

Damn it.

That's the candy that nobody fucking likes.

No, no, no, baby, I love candy corn.

I love it. Come here. Come here, baby.

Let me lick your candy corn. Come here.

Real people, real cases, real extra.

You did the right thing with Junebug.

How the fuck did you get in my house?

Damn! Can't I give a compliment?

I'm trying to sleep.

Child, you don't sleep, Ms. Pat.

Too much to stress about.

I mean, sure, Junebug is doing good now,

but what if he is a repeat offender?

Oh, Lord, do I have to--

And what if Sheila dumps Brandon

and he crashes out again?

I don't wanna hear this shit.

I mean, aren't you worried

about Janelle at that college all alone for the first time?

Just try to get quiet.

And what about Denise and Kareem?

I mean, how could you sleep

with all these niggas running around in your head?

Quiet ain't that bad.

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪