Original subtitles

Y'all ever find yourself

missing something you never had?

all: Yes!

And it's usually shit that you don't even need.

all: Right?

You know, kind of when you pull up in the drive-thru

and you know you're a big bag nigga

when you know you got a fridge full of food at the house?

Be thankful for what you got,

'cause it can be gone in a minute.

It can be here one minute and gone the next.

It's a lot like wet pussy after menopause.

Let's get this fucking show started.

OK, Pat-Pat.

Now, I know you just got out the hospital,

but I'ma need you to pick up the pace.

You blow that bullhorn in my face one more fucking time,

I'm gonna stick it in your ass.

Now, please don't threaten me with a good time.

Hey, T, I need you to put that box over there on table four.

Yep, right there. Table four.

Four, four, four. Table four.

Table four. I said table four.

And that is exactly why I need a motherfucking bullhorn.

Who is Terry yakking with on that phone?

Auntie, where do you want my old clothes?

Please put your Fox News lesbian fashion

in the box marked "free."

Nah, take that shit in the house.

We ain't got no DEI box.

Hey, Brandon, help me pack up some of this stuff.

OK, but why is Ashley here?

Hey, don't start that shit today.

Keep your mouth shut.

Wait, hold up now.

Why is my Rubik's cube out here?

I told y'all I'm moving out. Why y'all selling my stuff?

Solve it and you can keep it.

Exactly.

So you can give away a kidney

but not a Rubik's cube?

Why are you even talking?

'Cause I'm a grown-ass woman.

And what you gon' do? - Uh, hey.

Do y'all want your mama to pass out again?

- That was her fault. - How the hell was it my fault?

- It was. - Enough!

Before I send y'all to live with your daddy.

Ain't daddy dead?

Exactly.

Junebug, put those VHSes on table two.

You should call this table the 1900s.

What kind of lame, sad loser even owns a VCR anymore?

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

I kept mine because I still use all my old workout videos.

What can I say? I just love that whole

1980s "booty squeezed into a leotard" look.

You and me both, sister.

Wait, this is "The Wiz."

You guys, can you believe I have never seen this movie?

No shit.

Is it any good?

Did she just ask, is it any good?

I mean, it's cool.

You know, I never liked how the white Dorothy got rainbows

and the Black one got chased by crackheads on motorcycles.

I'm sold.

Here.

Ooh, looks like I got a date with "The Wiz" tonight.

♪ The Wiz and I ♪

She is not gonna like that movie.

Hey, Ma, you think I can use your car later?

Hell no.

You can catch a ride with them monkeys from "The Wiz."

Auntie, here's my stuff.

Might as well make a few extra dollars

before I go to college tomorrow, right?

Oh, yeah, y'all, that reminds me.

We need to be done out here by 5:00 so we can get ready

for Janelle goodbye dinner.

Man, I got stuff to do.

Well, do it in your room at night

when everybody else is asleep.

Ha-ha. I'll be there.

You better be.

'Cause I'm gonna miss making fun of you when I'm gone,

and I need one last crack at you.

You're not gonna sell any of that junk, Janelle.

I mean, you think these white folks are gonna want to buy

a Harriet Tubman bobblehead?

You should just bury this crap underground with the railroad.

Don't listen to him.

I can sell anything.

I once sold a picture of my big toe for $100 cash.

And I had me a nasty bunion at the time.

Well, it's no way you're selling any of that.

All right, put your money where your mouth is, Bug.

Fine.

If she sells even one item, I'll buy the whole dang box.

You sure about that?

'Cause that's gonna cost you about a hundy.

- You're on. - Oh, OK, then.

Well, at least you know you're splitting that hundy with me

or I ain't selling your slave shit to nobody.

Fine.

Triple way shake? - Yeah.

Oh, shit. Is that another geese?

Damn, this a epidemic.

Is that what the bird flu is?

You got them goose, geese, ducks.

They're just terrorizing our fucking community.

It's every September, Pat.

It's like they just swoop down

and start shitting on lawns and chasing children,

and then fighting with a bitch about her Amazon packages.

It's madness with these honkies.

Did you see what I did there?

'Cause they honk. Honkies.

Yeah, and them honkies are more protected than you are.

You touch one and your Black ass is going to jail.

Mm-hmm, back in the day,

you used to could fuck a duck up.

Ooh, that goose almost got your package.

Mine too.

Uh, Brandon and Ashley James?

Yo, yo.

What is that?

How am I supposed to know? I haven't even opened it yet.

Well, it's addressed to both of us.

So before you go ripping it-- - It's from Shatoya.

- Who the fuck is Shatoya? - She was Lloyd's ex-wife.

Damn, they sent y'all some cocaine?

I think it's his ashes and a letter.

Now, what I'ma do with a ashy nigga's ashes?

Well, I'm gonna let y'all spend some time

with y'all little daddy.

♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's the Ms. Pat Show ♪

It's our father's remains, Ashley.

You remember him, right? The man that gave you life?

Hold, hold, hold.

That loud lady back there gave me life.

You didn't even go to his funeral.

- And? - And what?

Those remains have been here a total of five minutes.

That's the most time that man has ever spent with us.

Oh, my God, Ashley.

Give me a break with this shit, man.

- I don't care-- - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Brandon, come help me.

You know the doctor said

I can't be lifting nothing heavy.

Come on.

Gonna take these?

OK.

Ash. - Mm?

I need you to help me and box these up for him.

OK, who would like a Huey P. Newton mug set

for the dishware set?

Huh, any takers? Sir, you in the red hat?

Take that hat off before you get your ass beat.

Ash.

Yo, where's the package?

I don't know. Didn't you take it?

No, it was sitting right here next to you.

My father was sitting right next to you, Ash.

Oh, shit, I must have boxed it up with that guy's stuff.

You--you what?

Ash, that letter was our father's last words to us.

I did not do it on purpose, Brandon.

Yeah, right, man.

You been sitting around here cracking jokes all day.

I'm telling you I did not do it on purpose.

"What am I supposed to do with a ashy nigga's ashes?"

Wasn't that not just you? Man, you so evil.

I don't need you sitting up here questioning my character.

Ain't nobody questioning it. I know you're evil.

How am I evil when I told you it was an accident?

Because you're selfish, Ash! You only think about yourself!

Please, stop!

Please. And come back together.

Don't let Lloyd come between y'all.

Damn.

You ain't gon' never get another uncircumsized brother.

And you never gonna get another coochie-eating sister.

Yeah, none of that. No.

I'ma go find my dad.

That boy don't know his head from his ass, I swear.

That's all you got to say, Ash?

Come on. You need to fix this.

Even if you didn't do it on purpose, just make it right.

Yeah, so go help him find Lloyd.

Help him?

'Cause that's how I want to spend my afternoon off,

helping Brandon find a dad in a bag?

I mean, a daddy in a baggie is wild, y'all.

You do love Brandon, don't you?

How is that relevant?

It's relevant because you not showing it.

OK.

Well, see, this one is in

what we like to call "mint condish."

And I'm willing to sell it to you

for the measly price of $1.

And I'll even throw in

that "Get Out" tea set y'all were admiring.

Mm-hmm, have your guests in the Sunken Place in no time.

And what is this book about?

Well, that's about a man named Jim

who owned crows and lived in a castle.

No, it is not.

Well, she didn't read it, so she should not be speaking.

It's about how our criminal justice department

uses fake crusades like the war on drugs

to target Black men and destroy Black communities.

OK, Janelle!

Baby, how about you just shut the fuck up?

Father Almighty in heaven.

Come on, Marge. - Uh, wait.

- We are leaving! - Uh, no.

Martin Luther Queen, I'd like my hundred

in singles, please.

Don't even.

I mean, damn, Sojourner, stop telling the truth.

But the truth will set you free.

Terry, who you been yapping to

all day on that damn phone?

If you got a bitch with some new pussy,

you need to tell her to come out here

and clean this damn house.

Uh--

Hey, hey, let me-- let me call you back.

Look, I didn't want to jinx it, Pat, but, uh...

I finally found some information on my dad.

Major?

No, my real dad. My father.

- Oh. That's good, baby. - Yeah.

I called the number that my mom gave me.

And it was his wrong number,

but they were able to point me into the right direction.

I think this might be it.

I'm happy for you, sweetheart.

Oh, my goodness.

Pat, do you remember how obsessed the kids was

over these old Disney cartoons?

Look, Janelle watched "The Little Mermaid"

a thousand times.

All them shows are fucking weird.

15-year-old girl trying to get a 30-year-old prince

to marry her.

Too Mormon for me.

Man.

I swear it was just like yesterday

Janelle was our little girl watching all of these.

I can't believe she's off to college tomorrow, Pat.

Fully grown.

And we only got Junebug left.

Well, we gon' watch us some "Lion King" tonight, huh?

Uh, wait.

Where's, uh...

hey, Patricia, where's "The Lion King," girl?

It's over in there. It was for sale.

No, baby. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Where is it?

What's wrong with you?

Hey, listen to me very, very carefully.

You cannot sell that movie, Patricia.

Why not, Terricia?

Don't you remember back in the day, huh?

When we got the DVD version of "The Lion King"

for the kids, we recorded over the VHS version

to make our own, you know,

special little husband and wife film.

- Holy shit. - Ya.

Our porno is on "The Lion King"?

- Yes, yes. - We gotta get that shit back.

That's what I'm saying now.

Denise, have you seen "The Lion King"?

Yeah. I saw the new one too.

Uh, but, uh...

they didn't show me Aaron Pierre or his Mufasa.

No, I mean, have you seen our copy of the movie?

Oh, yeah, that little girl just bought it.

Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

We got to get that tape back before that little girl

watches us do some very unsavory things.

Child, she gonna press play

thinking she 'bout to see the King

and she gonna see a big, ol' ass ding-a-ling.

We've been out here for three hours.

This shit is crazy.

Hey, you can blame yourself.

You the one out here selling off our daddy.

The man in that Ziploc bag is not our daddy.

Terry is.

Lloyd is the guy who shot and raped Ma, remember?

Yes, Ash. I remember.

Look, I didn't ask you to come,

so you can bounce if you gonna act like this.

I came to help.

I need to prove to you I didn't do this on purpose.

Yeah, right.

You stopped me from giving him my kidney.

Why wouldn't you stop me from having his ashes?

Excuse me for trying to stop you

from giving your vital organs away to a stranger.

Look, that guy over there

looks like he might need a new liver.

You feel up to that? Oh, no, wait.

He don't seem to be a deadbeat dad,

so maybe you not as into it.

You know what? You're such a grade-A--

Tater Tot, knock it off.

Good girl.

Tater Tot?

Yeah.

On account of she bit off a mailman's balls

when she was just a little puppy.

Got him right in the tater tots.

Can I help you folks?

It's you. This--this is him.

OK, don't push--I don't want my tater tot missing.

OK.

You got my dead daddy, and I need him back.

Uh, come again, son?

Mm, not son.

Listen, you bought some books

from our yard sale earlier today,

and I accidentally put a bag of someone's remains

and a letter in your box.

Yeah, I saw all that.

Put it in the garbage out back.

Y'all welcome to go look if you like.

Come through the house.

Oh.

We--we gon' go around the back.

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Damn.

Oh, God, I can taste the smell.

Why does this look like the beginning

of a "Law & Order" episode?

Look, Ash, you can go on home.

You ain't got to-- - Shut up.

Just come on.

What? What?

What? What's going on? - Brandon! Brandon!

- What? - Oh, sh--it's fake.

It's fake. I'm s--we--we good.

We good. I'm sorry.

So you can have this beauty for $26.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Take the head too.

Who doesn't love free head?

Oh, my God.

Get out this damn yard, you old long neck fucker, you.

Hey, sweet little girl.

So this movie means a lot to our family,

and it's not for sale.

Yeah, we sure would love to have it back.

Hey, we'll give you a full refund, of course.

Hmm.

I fail to see how any of this is my problem.

In fact, the only thing around here that is mine

is this tape, so bye-bye.

Hey, I'm trying to be nice, Amber.

My name ain't Amber.

It will be when your ass come up missing!

Hold up, Pat.

N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-now listen. Yeah?

We're all fair people, right?

Look around at this yard sale.

You know, you can have any item you want

if you just give us our tape back.

Huh? Anything at all.

Golly gee, any item?

I get to pick whatever I want?

That's right.

OK, then I choose the...

not a damn thing you got sitting over there!

Sorry, gramps. I don't want your garbage.

Hard pass.

What do you even want a VHS for, anyway?

You wasn't even in your daddy balls

when a VHS was popping.

Oh, my gosh.

I think I know you from somewhere.

Oh, really? TikTok?

Facebook? Instagram?

No, that's not it.

Oh, you're the lady

who's gonna stop wasting my time and pay me cash money

if you want this tape back.

My word. She is shaking us down.

That girl is a mean little capitalist.

Capitalist?

That wasn't the C-word I was thinking.

- Mm. - Aflac.

Get out of this goddamn yard, OK?

I'm tired of your ass.

Don't you go in my house.

Get your ass up out of here.

Long neck, overprotective fucker.

Quack, quack-ass bitch.

Get her, Denise!

Damn.

God, this sucks.

I have seen way too many porno mags

with the pages stuck together back here.

Like, it's 2025. Get on the internet, my guy.

I said you can go, didn't I?

How long you gon' to stay mad

when I keep telling you it was an accident?

I didn't see where you set them things down.

Besides, is this letter really that important?

The hell you mean? Of course it is.

I want to know what my dad had to say.

Well, he ended up in the right place,

'cause he a trash-ass nigga.

Sorry, that one was out of pocket.

Nah, that's what you meant, though.

Look, you don't care about him, which is cool.

But it's clear you don't care about me, either.

- Brandon-- - No, shut up.

Boy, don't tell me to shut up.

No, no, wait, look, I found it.

Yes. Daddy!

Thank the Lord. Let's get up out of here.

No, no, no. You go ahead.

I'ma read this right here, right now.

All right, Daddy.

Let's see what you got to say.

What the fuck? - Oh, shit.

Did that-- - Yeah, that goosey bastard

done stole my daddy last words.

Look, Brandon, I know you don't believe me,

but I did not sell Lloyd's stuff on purpose.

And to prove it to you,

I'm gon' kick that goose's motherfucking ass.

Oh, shit! Oh, yeah, it's on!

Drop that goose motherfucker, yeah!

Come on!

Shit, they about to go home

and see us fuck all the way to the 2000s.

Denise, Denise, come over here.

We need you to keep that little girl's daddy busy.

Oh, I'm on that.

So you just gonna go

straight for the lymph nodes, huh?

What about Kareem? - Oh, Pat, don't start now.

She's helping us.

It's OK. Kareem and I are just friends.

And even he would know

it ain't cheating if it's for family.

Hey, there.

- Hey. - Hey.

I see you looking at the garden tools.

Yeah.

See any hoes you like?

Well, that one's kind of nice.

How much is it?

Well, I kind of meant me.

I'm the ho.

And you the secret garden.

Oh. Oh.

Psst, Bride of Chucky.

I assume we're ready to make an offer?

Yeah, how about I swing you by them pigtail

like that bitch in "Matilda"?

- Pat. - That's right, gramps.

Control your old-ass woman.

- Yo, what? - What?

This is business, guys.

So do you have a number or what?

Or are you just threatening

a poor, innocent little second-grader?

One moment, please.

The demon spawn is right. We are out of time.

We ain't got no leverage. We gotta come correct.

Besides, you get more flies out of honey than vinegar.

You know what I'm saying?

We ain't trying to catch no damn flies, Terry.

We trying to get our porno back.

Oh, girl.

OK, you a smart, kind girl with a bright future.

So why don't you say we throw

a little donation your way, huh?

5 bucks?

Do you have dementia, geezer? It's 2025.

This isn't even worth the paper it's printed on.

Google inflation, my guy.

Way to catch flies.

Hey, how about $20

and anything you want in this civil rights box?

Look.

Harriet Tubman. She free.

Pass.

Wow, Janelle.

We can't even pay these folks to take your stuff.

What do you even want that movie for?

Can't you stream it on Disney+ or Disney minus?

Disney minus?

Yeah, the shit with commercials.

This is an original run

first edition Disney VHS in mint condition.

These are extremely rare and worth a fortune online.

Y'all don't even know what you got here.

No, little girl, you don't know what you got.

All right, goose.

We done got you cornered. - Yeah.

Now give me back my daddy's letter.

Damn, bro, you OK?

I thought you be working out and stuff.

Nah, I only do weights.

I don't be fucking with that cardio.

I'm about to turn this goose every which way but loose.

Come here, motherfucker!

Oh, get him!

Block! Block! Sis, you gotta block!

Hey, listen! You gotta bite him!

Bite him. Bite his ear like Tyson.

Get him on the ground. Get him on the ground, sis!

Damn! Yo, he fast.

Rope-a-dope, rope-a-dope! Bite him.

Come on! Get him, sis! Get him!

Did this fool turn the sprinkler on?

Don't worry, sis. Little bro is coming.

Coming, sis!

I got the letter. - Oh, you got it?

Yeah, I got the letter.

I got it. - OK, OK.

Get the fuck up off!

Hey.

If anyone asks, Tater Tot did it.

- Yeah, Tater Tot. - Tater Tot did it.

Tater Tot. Yeah.

I paid good money for this hair.

I know. It's fine.

This way, this way, this way. - Oh, shit.

I ain't trying to smell that shit up in there.

Come on, this way.

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Spend a little time with me ♪

You all right?

Yeah, baby, this Ashley and Brandon stuff about Lloyd

got me really wanting to talk to my father.

You know, if he's still out there someplace,

I just gotta see him face-to-face

at least once before he dies.

Well, that's all nice and stuff,

and I would love to talk to you about it.

- Yeah. - But right now,

we need to get our tape back

from this little half white girl

before she gon' see us make the damn circle of life.

Well, we ain't got much time. She's losing him.

Psst.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sorry, Pat. He gay.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And your dancing. Come on, Shirley.

Now, I'm sorry about your "Lion King" tape, Pat.

But all ain't lost.

We made 528 big ones today.

528!

What kind of demonic--

Well, now, that sounds like a very fair price

for this here beloved VHS tape.

What? Ain't no way in hell we gon'--

Give her the money!

Pat, you crazy, OK?

Wish I would just give her this money, girl.

Denise, give her the money, sis.

All of it. - No.

Why?

No. Why?

It's my yard sale and I like "Lion King."

Pleasure doing business with you, suckers!

That little girl just played the shit out of us.

Come on, y'all, let's start packing up.

I've had enough of this yard sale.

Oh, look, Janelle, you sold your bobblehead doll.

Wait, what? I did?

Oh, snap.

That must have happened when I went inside.

Ah!

Hey, Junebug.

Cough it up. Your girl made a sale.

Oh. Yeah.

Uh...

guess some loser was desperate enough

to buy your crap.

Mm-hmm.

Next time, always bet on Black.

You all right?

Yeah.

You know, mad I lost 100 bucks, that's all.

You know, it's all right to be sad

that your big sister's leaving.

It don't make you soft.

It's actually kind of nice.

Come on, Ma.

You crazy.

Boy, I've been out here all damn day!

Ain't no cross-eyed-ass neighbor

bought no damn Harriet Tubman bobblehead doll.

You did.

Look, Ma, I don't care about that bobblehead.

And I definitely don't care that Janelle is leaving, OK?

So...

I got to go inside and hose off my shoes.

That goose poop is out of control.

Are you sure I can't use your car later?

Hell yeah, I'm sure you can't use my car later.

And don't take your Black ass in my house

with that goose shit on it.

Yo, I'm not entirely sure

whose blood this is I'm washing off.

And I'm pretty sure if I farted right now,

a feather would fly out my ass.

Yo, you really squabbled up with a dog and a goose, huh?

Damn right I did. Shoot, I'd do anything for you.

You do know that, right?

Yeah.

I do now.

Look, thank you for everything that you've done for me today.

I really mean it.

And I'm sorry for the way I've been acting.

You don't deserve any of that.

Thank you.

Look, I'm sorry too.

I'm not sure if I'll ever understand

why you went so hard at me over not helping Lloyd,

but, B, I do respect your feelings.

Let me just leave it at that.

Honestly, Ash,

it wasn't even really about you not helping Lloyd.

It's just that, you know, when I wanted to help him,

you were just so unsupportive and mean.

It just--

I don't know, it just felt like you didn't really love me.

Brandon.

You are my brother.

There's never been a moment,

a second that I haven't loved you.

And there never will be.

Hey.

Whatever I did, whatever I said

to make you think I don't love you...

I really am sorry, B.

You hear me?

I really am sorry.

I'm sorry too.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Let's, uh, read Lloyd's letter together.

All right.

All right.

"D-d-dear Brandon and Ashley.

I you--I you love"?

Oh, oh, I love you. - I love you.

Yeah, because you know he really couldn't read, right?

Yeah, he really couldn't do a lot of things.

Read the rest of it. - All right.

"My bad.

Dad."

That's it?

Yeah, I guess so.

- You OK? - Yeah, it's just, um--

It's OK to not be OK. I know you wanted more.

Yeah, I just feel like a fool.

You're not a fool.

You just got a heart the size of a gallon.

You wanted Lloyd to fill it with love, but...

a gallon ain't never gonna be satisfied

with somebody pouring from a pint.

Yeah, um...

He was a real piece of shit, huh?

But, uh, he was our piece of shit.

So I think we should take turns

dumping his ashes down the toilet.

- What? - Yeah.

- You sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.

Matter of fact, you go first.

OK.

Now, I don't really know what to say.

Um, just say the truth.

To Lloyd, the man who gave me...

absolutely nothing.

Except the best brother ever.

All right, my turn, my turn, my turn.

Mm-hmm.

All right, uh...

to Lloyd,

the man who taught us to be strong,

independent people... - Mm.

By giving us no choice but to be those things.

Mm.

Ooh, I got one. I got one.

To Lloyd,

the man who showed us what love is

by showing us what it damn sure ain't.

Mm.

- All right. - Oh, wait, wait, wait.

After all we went through to get them ashes back,

you sure you don't want to keep some of the man?

Nah.

You the only Ash I need.

both: Bye, nigga.

My bad!

Janelle, we're gonna miss you when you go off to school,

but we know you gon' do fine.

That's right.

And you let us know if you need anything, OK?

Except money.

- And kidneys. - And your room back.

Well, dang, make a girl feel special.

Where's Junebug?

Junebug?

Bug?

Hey, Pat.

We went to a lot of trouble and paid a lot of money

to get a copy of that "Lion King" tape back.

It'd be a shame if we didn't at least take a peek at it,

don't you think?

I agree, 'cause I do want to see

how I used to fuck when I was small.

Remember I used to roll you around like a pancake?

No grapefruit now.

Mm-hmm.

"The Wiz"?

Why is "The Wiz" in the "Lion King" box?

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪