Original subtitles

You ever wish you could get

a restraining order on your past?

audience: Yes!

No matter what you do, that clingy bitch

keep coming back.

The truth is, y'all, you keep giving it

a tracking device.

Holding on to the bad things

won't allow you to appreciate the good.

When you bottle up your past, it roars in your stomach,

like bubble guts.

And you need to take a shit.

But make sure you wash your fucking hands

'cause don't nobody like doo-doo fingertips.

Enjoy the show!

Hey. Good morning, Pat-Pat.

Welcome to Denise's Build-A-Bad-Bitch

Salon Incorporated, LLC,

trademarked nonprofit for profit.

Get that Scamazon Prime shit off my stove.

But you said I could set my salon up in here, remember?

I can't cook around all this hair.

Well, you can't cook, period, Pat.

And plus, I got a client coming,

so I need for you to be nice

'cause I'm trying to get in as many heads as possible

before your big show in Atlanta next week.

I'm nice to everybody.

You know a nigga named Everybody?

Why do I need to be nice? She rich?

No. Her name's Veronica, and she's a medium.

Medium? She a midget?

No, like she's a psychic.

- Girl, bye. - I'm for real.

You believe in that bullshit, Denise?

I believe I need to get this money.

And you need to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Please.

I don't give a fuck about Miss Cleo.

Grand rising, Sister Goddess Denise.

Mm!

I just love how you greet a sister goddess with respect.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

And just know, I'm still charging full price

- like you charge them crystals. - Oh.

Veronica, this is my sister Patricia.

- Hello. Nice to meet you. - Pat.

I'm just trying to see if she can read minds.

How you doing?

Denise, look, I don't mean to sound all bougie,

but when you told me about your new salon,

I didn't think you'd be fixing kitchens in a kitchen.

You didn't see that coming?

What is your name again?

- Pat. - Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat.

You know what? Your aura's all over the place.

And your hair is all over the place.

Pat. Do you know what, Veronica?

Let's get started

on your Denise treatment, or Denise-ment, if you will.

Great, because I have a reference picture.

I want that hairstyle.

Oh.

You want--you want--you want that style on purpose?

Because, you know, I'm a really great stylist,

and she looks terrible.

Well, that's a picture of my mother.

- Oh, damn. - Yeah.

You sure that's not your daddy?

No, that's my mother, and she is deceased.

Oh, we're sorry to hear that. Our mother passed as well.

Yeah, my mama was a bitch. I didn't like her.

Well, you know,

you really shouldn't speak of the ascended that way.

I can guarantee you, my mama ain't ascended nowhere, honey.

She dropped.

How about we just say that our mother, Mildred,

was a complex woman with a unique parenting style?

Well, still, a mother's energy

is integral to a daughter's life.

I mean, you wouldn't be here without her.

My mama told me if a man didn't punch you in the face,

he didn't love you.

You know how many times I got punched in the face

and I thought that shit was foreplay?

She learned it from her mother.

It's a cycle.

People can only love you with what they know.

Ooh, ooh.

You know, you really need to get rid of all of that...

anger inside you,

you know, and fast.

- Mm. - Girl, I ain't angry.

But I see the anger. It's all around you.

I let that shit go a long time ago.

Well, that's not what I'm reading.

Well, you need to put me down and pick up another book.

OK.

Spirit says it is important to let go of the things

that have been done to us.

If not, we become them.

Oh, hell no.

You need to hold on to something else

about your mama.

Otherwise, there would be no Pat!

Without Mildred.

I'm Pat in spite of Mildred, OK?

I'm a good mother, I got a beautiful home,

and I'm in here trying to cook my fucking swine

before you got here.

Mildred is a mean bitch.

Oh.

She does not like being called a bitch.

Well, what, are you talking to her or something?

Hell no, she ain't talking to nobody.

Get your ass back in this goddamn chair.

Your mother's energy is very eager to speak with you.

Look, enough of this bibbidi bobbidi bullshit, OK?

Sit down and get your hair done,

and put these fake-ass spirits back in your pocket.

Denise, this bitch is boiling!

Bikram, bakram, vector, vak, vakram.

Bitch, you ain't Harry Potter!

- Pat, I think you should stop. - Too late. It's done.

What ain't gonna be done is your goddamn hair.

Please leave.

It's free.

Have a nice day.

Who was that?

Or what was that?

That was my client,

and I think she just put a curse on Pat.

Curse?

No, I don't even like cursing of the bad word variety

in this house, so I rebuke that BS.

Well, what you need to be rebuking

is the first of the month, because Erykah Badu

just took your rent money.

Well, bitch, you better call Tyrone.

♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

Man, I love "Relative Ruckus."

Oh, it ain't nothing but a Tubi version of "Family Feud."

Let's go, Black family!

They're both Black.

Let's go Black-ass family.

Yeah, 'cause that light-skinned family

is getting a little cocky,

but them other niggas about to come back.

Watch.

Name a cereal mascot.

- Tony the Tiger. - Captain Crunch.

Orangutan Otis.

Who the heck is Orangutan Otis?

The cereal my mama used to buy us from the liquor store.

When the hell did they start playing soaps at night?

Junebug, turn it back. We were watching the "Ruckus."

I didn't change the channel.

It started playing that on its own.

Yeah, he right, 'cause the remote's right there.

- That's weird. - Flip it back.

Ma, you all right?

Y'all don't smell that cigarette smoke?

I'ma go get some water.

Ugh, can you at least cover your mouth?

Being sick is not really my brand.

You OK, Pat-Pat?

Yeah.

You got it?

Goddamn! I'm good.

Change the channel.

Pat, what if it's not the TV?

What do you mean? What you thinking?

Well, I'm thinking that what if it's

that "Color Purple" shit that Veronica did?

- What if it's a real curse, Pat? - Really?

You know our cable be fucking up,

and I'm covered in the blood of Jesus.

Pat, Jesus don't know you like that.

Mm-mm, I don't know what y'all two are talking about,

but I don't mess around with no curse.

In fact, just to be safe,

I'ma go roll around in the sage on the side of the garage.

He's about to learn real quick that's poison oak.

Just gonna leave without paying me.

I ought to put my foot in your

bewitched, bothered, be-nappy ass.

OK. It's been a long day.

Girl's hearing things.

Oh, my gosh.

My mind is playing tricks on me Geto Boys style.

Oh, hell--

Oh, oh!

- Pat! - What's wrong, Denise?

Oh, no! No!

- Terry! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's going on in here? What? What?

Some freaky shit is going on in here.

The cabinets, they was just opening

and closing all by themselves.

- They was. - Auntie, let me find out

you putting something a little extra

in them cigarettes you be smoking.

No.

Is this what menopause is like?

Seriously, y'all.

It's a spirit in here, and it's mad as hell.

Y'all two still tripping off that crazy lady from earlier?

Look, long story short, I pissed off

a witch bitch today, and she put a curse on us.

OK, this is ridiculous. I'm going to bed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Janelle.

Now, see, I don't believe in this curse either,

but look at them.

They all shook up, looking raggedy.

Have some sympathy, baby.

Thank you, Terry.

I mean, I personally could have done

without being called raggedy.

Well, look, look, look.

Why don't we just-- just gather hands

- and pray, huh? - OK.

Oh, hell no.

Ain't nobody praying with you, Terry.

You take too fucking long.

God don't even like you to pray, mm-mm.

You sure you don't want to pray, Pat?

Go upstairs and go to bed. Good night. Good night.

I'll be up there in two seconds.

Love you.

Oh, Pat.

I still think we need some prayer.

Maybe--maybe I just need some water to calm my nerves.

- Yeah. - Just get me a glass of water.

You can do it.

The cup-- the cup is in the cabinet.

You can do it.

Take your time.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, Pat!

This water's brown!

Oh, my God, it's cursed.

This is cursed water.

This cursed water?

This Hennessy.

Hey, Ma, can I go to--

No, taste this.

Do you notice anything strange

about that regular cup of water?

No. It tastes like sink water.

Tastes like Hennessy.

Oh, well, that definitely ain't Hennessy, 'cause I--

Is what I would say if I knew what alcohol tasted like.

OK, Pat. It's only affecting us.

So we really are cursed.

This some "Scooby-Doo" shit going on here.

Well, let's get the Mystery Van

and get the fuck up out of here.

All right!

Ooh! OK, OK, OK.

OK. All right, you got this.

Whew, college acceptance letter number one.

Here we go!

Why am I so nervous?

Come on, Janelle. You got this.

I mean, you worked hard for this.

You worked hard. You worked hard.

You got this. OK.

"Dear Janelle Carson, we regret to"--

Howard rejected me?

- - Hey, Janelle.

Hey, Jess.

Everything OK?

Yeah. I'm fine.

You sure? You look like ass.

Thanks. I needed that.

Why are you being so serious, drama queen?

I just got some really, really weird news.

OK, weird like how?

You know what? Never mind.

Did you-- did you need anything?

Yeah, you said to call you when I got home.

You said it was about Treyq'uan.

Oh, right.

Well, he messaged me.

What? When?

I thought you blocked him on everything after Nudegate.

I did, but he created a fake account and apologized.

Aw.

I know. But I left him on read.

And now he says he's coming over here.

Honestly, as long as it stays on the good side of stalker,

I stan his determination.

I don't think he's serious about coming here.

I mean, you know Trey is terrified of my mama.

Aren't we all?

Let me call you back.

What--

Thought the window would be more romantic

than the front door.

Also, I'm terrified of your mama.

Why are you sleeping out here with all that

paranormal Activia going on around here?

What does it matter where I sleep?

It's not like the ghost is gonna say,

"Oh, shit, her bedroom door is closed.

Let's leave this one alone."

What the hell was that?

It sound like it was coming from Janelle's room.

Oh, hell no, Mr. Ghost. Don't take my good child.

Well, just pray it's a white ghost.

They'll bring her annoying ass back.

Look, I forgive you, but I haven't forgotten.

We're done.

I mean, I'd like to think we more medium-rare.

Trey, we are well-done.

Cooked. Over. Finished.

Burnt like LongHorn steak.

OK, OK. OK, I just--

I had to try.

I get it.

I wouldn't let me go either.

Hey!

You heard back from Howard.

How does it feel getting your first acceptance letter?

I didn't get in.

Oh, Janelle, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

I know how much getting in meant to you, and...

I'm here if you have anything that you need to talk about.

Janelle, I'm coming!

Ain't no ghost gonna fuck my ba--

- Oh, hell no! - Ah, wait!

We were just talking!

Get your ass-- help me the fuck up!

- Hold on! - I'm trying!

God damn it.

Talking is for the phone!

You snuck this nigga in my house?

No, Mrs. Carson, I just came to apologize.

Shut your J. Holiday-looking ass up.

Pat! Pat!

When I come back, I'ma finish with you.

Get the fuck out my house.

You right. OK.

No, nigga, the way you came in.

You right. You right.

I love you, Janelle!

Love all them bushes you about to hit, nigga.

This ain't no Horneo and Juliet round here.

Pat! Pat!

It's coming from inside the bathroom.

What the hell are you doing?

We can't kill no damn ghost with no bat.

Well, we finna find the fuck out.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Oh, hell no.

You got to go first. You bigger than me.

Come on, now. Just get on up here.

No.

both: Mama?

Boo, bitches.

Mama?

Look at my daughters, Ug and Ly.

That's that goddamn curse shit.

I know you ain't just curse in front of me, bitch.

Pat, you know they say when the ancestors visit,

it's spiritual.

Maybe Mama's here with good news.

Why do Black people always talk about ancestors

like it's something good?

Hell, Uncle Willie killed his baby mama

for playing the wrong damn lottery number.

That nigga's an ancestor too.

This is an evil dead woman.

I ain't dead.

I'm in between eternities.

Did that evil witch Veronica send you here?

I don't know no Veronica.

But I can tell you any woman named Veronica is a bitch.

It's just a bitchy name. Names are powerful.

That's why I regret naming you Pat,

'cause it's 10 letters away from F,

which is too close to "fat,"

and I ain't never met a skinny bitch named Pat.

Why are you here?

Fuck if I know.

A portal opened up in front of me,

and I crossed on over to the other side.

I think my Lord and Savior sent me.

Teddy Pendergrass?

We got to exorcise this bitch.

Oh, OK, Mama, come on, do some jumping jacks.

No, we got to get the spirit out of here.

Don't garlic kill dead bitches?

Oh, yes.

The fuck you throwing shit at?

You crazy bitch!

The hell's wrong with him?

- Junebug. - Oh! Hey, Auntie.

Hey, Ma. Oh, sorry.

I sometimes wander in the kitchen for a bottle

ever since I watched Alison's baby.

Damn, that pregnant ho really did a number on you.

Junebug, Junebug.

You see her?

Pregnant ho?

Your grandmama.

Grandma was a pregnant ho?

Did this nigga just--

Junebug, go to bed.

Junebug didn't see Mildred.

That mean only me and you can see her.

That boy cuss too much.

You need to stop feeding him once in a while

so he can act right.

I'm not taking no fucking advice

from no dead deadbeat.

Did this bitch just call me a dead deadbeat?

You got a grown man jacking off

down in your basement.

At least my kids wasn't still living with me after 13.

That because your kids were pregnant and selling crack.

Sound like an entrepreneur to me.

So if you such a good mama,

why is your daughter still living with me?

You talking about my 30-year-old son

down in the basement jacking off.

She 50 years old!

Now, hold the fuck up, Pat.

I might be a lot of shit, but 50 ain't one of them.

I ain't responsible for the crack years.

I'm more than my crack years.

Says Count Crackula.

Can you float the fuck up out of here?

Yeah, what she said.

Can I get some garlic?

- Oh, yeah. - We gonna--

Hey, hey, hey!

That's enough!

Now what y'all doing?

We trying to exorcise the house, Terry.

This house is not cursed, Denise.

Now, hold the hell up.

Terry is actually fine when I'm looking through dead eyes.

You know what?

I'ma need y'all to start acting

like y'all got some sense

before y'all start scaring everybody in the house.

Tell 'em, Big Daddy.

They in our house acting like dumbasses.

both: Shut up, Mildred!

Mildred? Why y'all bringing up Mildred?

What she got to do with this?

Look, I know we been acting crazy.

I'm tired.

- I'ma go to sleep. - Good, good, good.

Hurry up upstairs.

I'm starting to get really...

turned on for some reason.

♪ I turned on your man ♪

♪ I turned on your man ♪

At least she got one thing right.

Well, wait a minute, Pat.

You just can't leave me down here with--

Good night, Denise.

Now, you motherfuckers was lying in here.

Out, Lucifer, out.

Out, Lucifer, out.

Out, Lucifer, out.

Holy water don't work in ho hands.

Good morning, Pat.

Oh, fuck you.

Did you call them prayer warriors, Denise?

Yeah, they on the way, sis,

'cause we got to sanctify the hell out of this ghost.

I need them to get here before everybody wake up

so Terry can stop thinking we're crazy.

Ain't nothing like that yac to give me my bounce back.

You want a sip, Denise?

I know your fiending ass do.

Good morning, Sister Denise.

Hey, Brother Chauncy.

Hey, listen, tell your scamming-ass brother

to stop writing me letters.

This ain't "Love After Lockup."

Now, who you got with you?

My name is Sister Webb.

Mm, I'm just a soldier for the Lord!

The church sent me over.

They say y'all standing in need of prayer.

Oh, yes, ma'am. We standing.

- Come on in. - Mm-hmm.

I been calling them, but, you know,

my sister ain't saved, so I'm standing alone.

But they tell me where two or more are gathered,

Jesus is all up in there, so let's get to it.

There's a dark spirit in here.

Mm, I feel it in this place.

Oh, as sure as God my witness,

- we will cast it out. - Amen.

Can I get an Amen?

- Amen! - Amen!

Hold on, Sister Souljah.

How much is this shit gonna cost?

No charge. No charge.

Shit. Get it out!

Get it out!

Ham sandwich!

Hallelujah.

Ain't no way y'all think Aunt Esther and Fantasia

getting rid of me.

♪ I decree and declare ♪

♪ No weapon formed against Pat and Denise shall prosper ♪

- Hey! - ♪ Hey, hey ♪

These whores ain't got no power.

Ma, what's going on in here?

All this oil's starting to give me stripper flashbacks.

Ooh, I need to pour oil on him too.

You don't want him to take your handicap parking sticker.

We trying to get your grandmama out this house.

What, you think Grandmama's in here?

Hey, lil' nigga.

She haunting us!

I think we should move on over to the ministry of music.

- I think that's a good idea. - Mm.

Ooh, you know what? I got y'all.

Let's all hold hands and close our eyes.

- Yes, Lord. - OK? Mm-hmm.

♪ Well, mm ♪

♪ If there's something strange ♪

♪ In your neighborhood ♪

♪ Who you gonna call ♪

♪ Who you gonna call ♪

Shut the fuck up!

I think we should sing a song that states our intention.

- Mm. - Mm, what your mama name?

- both: Mildred. - Yeah.

Let's try something like this.

♪ Mildred, you got to go ♪

Sing it.

all: ♪ Mildred, you got to go ♪

♪ We don't want you here no more ♪

all: ♪ We don't want you here no more ♪

♪ We don't want you here ♪

- ♪ No more ♪ - Yeah!

all: ♪ We don't want you here no more ♪

♪ We don't want you here no more ♪

all: ♪ We don't want you here no more ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - Hey!

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - Yeah!

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

♪ Gotta go ♪

- ♪ Gotta go ♪ - ♪ Gotta go ♪

This bitch Veronica better answer.

Love and light. Veronica speaking.

Love and light these nuts, woman.

It's Denise.

You might remember me from when you cursed my house.

I didn't curse you.

It's not what I stand for, sister goddess.

Witch, please.

I know you unleashed some shit in this house.

Now, right before I was about to grease your dry-ass scalp,

we was up in here talking about dead mamas.

Now my dead mama is running around here

lit off the tap yac.

I simply opened a portal to heal what was broken.

I'm gifting you and Pat

the divine and eternal opportunity of healing, queen.

I don't even know what that means,

but you better come over here and fix this shit.

It's not up to me to fix.

Veronica? Veronica?

Sister goddess?

Damn.

You all right, Auntie?

No. It's a wrap, Junebug.

Veronica wouldn't lift the curse.

Go pack your shit. We got to move.

I ain't moving nowhere.

Y'all keep that ghost to yourselves.

Come on, now, Rabbit.

You need to wake up that wide-open ho Janelle.

Leave me alone!

You need to bust her head to the white meat right now.

- Fuck you. - Dang. My bad.

I just wanted some chips.

Did this nigga just spill the chips you paid for

on the floor you cleaned in the house you bought?

You all right, Ma?

'Cause you looking worse than usual.

Be a good mama and tell him to lick every crumb

off this fucking floor.

Hello.

Will you please just get out?

Dang, I'm going. What--

Wait, is this that ghost thing?

Oh, yeah, y'all can have that.

Now, I know all about a mess with your daughter.

So when you gonna handle Little Ho Peep?

I know my child, and I trust my child.

And I don't talk to my kids the way you talked to us.

- Stop calling my daughter a ho. - Well, wait.

- What's going on with Janelle? - Nothing.

I caught Treyq'uan in her room last night.

Oh, damn.

But when she wake up, I'ma talk to her.

Talk to her? When she wake up?

Rabbit, you tougher than this.

Stop calling me Rabbit!

And why are you here, and what do you want?

- To help you. - I'm better than you.

Better than me?

But, Rabbit, you just like me.

Hey, y'all.

I'll get it.

Hey, Treyq'uan. What you doing here?

Hey, Mr. Carson.

Is Janelle home?

You again?

What you mean again?

What, you want both of your arms in a chicken wing swing?

I don't want to cause any trouble, Mrs. Carson.

I promise. I just came because I left--

That's what I'm talking about.

- What was that all about, Pat? - Nothing!

Who you talking to?

Hey, T, why don't you just go upstairs

and tell Janelle that Trey is here?

Yeah, go get the lil' ho that could.

Janelle, get your ass down here.

Whoa, wait a minute, Pat.

It seems like you're getting a little worked up.

Why don't you try to calm down?

Fuck that. Act a donkey and a monkey.

Do you know Janelle invited his little horny ass

over here twice?

The same boy that asked her for naked pictures.

She's losing her damn mind.

- She is. - Hey, Auntie.

Oh, this the shit I came to see.

Y'all OK?

So you invited Trey over here?

What you gonna do, sneak him in again?

That's right, Pat. Lay her ass out.

What? Ma, no.

His phone fell in the bushes

when you scared him out the window.

He was just coming to pick it up.

- Did he leave? - She lying.

Tell Janelle she sound like a lying-ass ho.

- She ain't saying that. - Huh?

Why are you meeting with Trey after the way he done you?

You're better than this.

I know that, Mom. You're not listening.

You just keep assuming and projecting.

You don't even live in the projects.

Call her a dumb ho.

- You acting like a dumb ho. - What?

I'm trying to break things off with him, but I'm a dumb ho?

- both: Yes! - Stop it, Pat.

You know that's Mildred talking.

I don't want you to drop out of school.

I don't want you to ruin your life

over a dumbass like Trey.

You just saw what Junebug went through.

Oh, my God, I'm not Junebug!

I'm Janelle.

You're not as smart as you think you are.

I'm not smart?

Say dumb ho again.

Like I said, you being a dumb ho.

Hold on, now, Pat.

I'm not holding on for nothing.

This shit is better than my stories.

OK.

So you think I'm like that

because you think I'm like you.

You were always telling us about your past,

but we're better than you.

What the hell did you just say to me?

Oh, she got you fucked up now, Rabbit.

I am smart enough not to become

- a teen mom like you were. - No, she didn't.

I am smart enough not to drop out of school

- like you did. - Mm!

And I'm definitely way too smart

to ruin my entire life

by selling crack and going to prison.

- Janelle! - So no.

I might not be as smart as I think I am,

but I'm definitely not as dumb as you.

Pat! Pat.

Wow.

- Niecey, wait. - Ah.

We not as different as you thought, are we?

We are different.

And I don't talk to my fucking kids like that.

That's how I did you.

That's how my mama did me.

That's how her mama did her.

You think you better 'cause you live

in your white neighborhood and your husband

and your little dreams.

But the more you hold on to what I did to you,

the more you become me.

And that ain't so bad, is it?

Shut up!

She will never be like you.

That ain't what I saw.

Well, I guess it's time for me to go on back

to the waiting room.

Maybe one day...

I'll see you there.

I really am like her.

- Don't say that. - Yes, I am.

I really am like her.

I don't fucking want to be like her.

- You're not. - I fucking hate her.

I fucking hate her.

- Oh, I fucking hate her. - Come on, Pat.

Stop saying that.

- I fucking hate that woman. I fucking hate her.

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪