Original subtitles

When your soul is thirsty, you will drink from any cup.

It don't matter if piss or poison is on the rim.

I learned quickly that what you think is good to you

ain't always good for you.

You know, a lot like sex on the beach--

it's fun, but you get sand in your ass

and two sets of crabs.

What you want ain't always what you need,

and what you need is an ass whupping

from a buck-toothed, ashy bitch named Reality.

* *

* Yes, Lord, for the rest of my days *

* And we will praise you for the rest of our days *

* Yes *

* *

* Yes, Lord, for the rest of our days *

* And we will praise you for the rest of our days *

* Yes *

* *

* Yes, Lord, for the rest of our days *

* And we will praise you for the rest of our days *

God wants y'all to end this song quicker.

Thought I'll be standing for the rest of my day.

Can y'all at least act like Christians

for once in your life?

We acting like we want to be here.

Hey, Denise, I thought you were going

to that white church with Elizabeth.

You know, I like white churches.

Because when you're the only Black person there,

they will put your face on the website.

I guess Elizabeth gave up on God.

She did the opposite of finding Jesus.

And I just got tired of the pews

being the only brown thing I saw.

- What y'all think? - You going to hell.

As long as I'm happy getting there.

- I'm ready to go home. - Me too.

These people don't know if they want to stand or sit.

Please, let us stand for a word of prayer.

Nigga, no.

Janelle, close your eyes.

Well, who's gonna watch my purse?

Can you all please be more like Denise?

God damn, that pastor's so fine,

he make me want to baptize him in my waters.

Don't be like Denise.

Hey, Janelle, check me out.

Is this too much titty for the temple?

You said you wanted this to be a family outing.

We ain't come down to church to hear you

sit there talking about titties.

Jesus was breastfed, Terry.

That pastor ain't checking for you.

What would you know?

I bet you ain't had a clergyman look at you with lust

in his eyes in 25 years.

Mm-hmm.

Me and the twins gonna bring the good reverend home

with us tonight.

And in this we pray, amen.

Amen! Amen, Pastor!

* Come on, it's time to go *

* It's "The Ms. Pat Show" *

Is everyone's still gone?

I don't want my mama to see me.

No one's here yet.

I am so happy I started watching Urban TV.

Ooh, what's "Martin"?

- Is he asleep? - Yeah.

"Love Sosa" is this generation's

"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Knocks him right out.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something.

OK.

That sounds very adult.

All righty.

I think the baby's father should be contributing more.

Financially, emotionally.

Helping to babysit so I don't get killed

- by my mama-ly? - Exactly.

Do you mind if I go talk to him?

You can't send a text?

I mean, I can, but it kind of seems like

more of an in-person convo.

OK, well, only because I know you still don't have

feelings for this guy. Right?

Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?

I mean--

Well, not since I've been free from my dad.

You're right. You're right. Fine.

This will help take the load off us a bit.

I want to carve out time to focus

on our relationship more.

So while he's knocked out,

think you can watch him for me?

Well, you'll be back before my parents

get home from church, right?

We got to be out of here by noon.

I can't believe you're still kicked out of the house.

You don't see I'm still dressed

like a Victoria's Secret bag?

It's cute, though, Juney.

On you.

And plus, my mom would kill me

if she found out I was sneaking back in here

to steal food and clean my drawers.

I promise, I'll be right back.

Bye, my love.

All right, we'll be here.

You trust your mama, right?

Don't call her that.

I want to thank y'all for inviting me

to your lovely home to break bread.

This is the closest thing I've felt to family

since my wife's transition.

- Transition? - Yeah.

Like, she your husband now?

No, transition as in she's passed on.

Oh. Oh.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

- No, she not. - Yes, I am.

I know how hard death can be.

I mean, we've lost our mom recently.

But just know that if you need a shoulder or bosom to cry on,

I, they, us, we all here.

I'm sorry to hear about that, Pastor.

- How long has it been? - Two months.

Damn. Sorry.

It's quite all right.

We were on Tom Joyner's cruise heading to Cabo.

- Oh. - What happened?

Did she "Cha Cha Slide" overboard?

- Actually, yeah. - Oh.

They were never able to recover the body,

so I haven't had much closure.

What are you gonna do with that extra casket money?

That's crazy.

I mean, one minute you're Doin' Da Butt

on the dance floor with your girl,

and then the next she's shark-cuterie.

Get it? Shark-- because she fell on the ocean.

Shut up.

Pastor Jenkins, would you like anything else?

Yeah, come on, Pastor. Some dessert?

How about you let me whip you up something?

No, that wonderful meal was quite enough.

Well, then, how about we go upstairs

and have a little praise and worship?

Denise, stop acting like an asshole.

Come on, Pastor.

She ain't bothering me none.

I got to keep it real with you, Pastor.

I hate church.

Oh.

Say it ain't so.

The way you look, I was gonna give you

the lead solo next week.

All fat bitches can't sing.

And you would have been embarrassed.

She would have started singing "My Neck, My Back."

You know, I get why it help people and stuff,

but ever since y'all stopped them

Friday fish fries, honey, y'all lost me.

Pat, didn't you just hear this man say his wife

was turned into bait and you sitting over there

talking about fish fries?

We used to do that at my old church.

Maybe I'll bring it back just for you.

And if not, you know, I make some mean ramen noodles.

Ramen noodle revival.

Oh.

As long as the flavor and the packet is beef.

Seriously, Pastor, I got to say

I was impressed with you not taking up collection plates.

You know, it's been financially tough

on all my parishioners lately, so I don't like

to take up offerings like others, you know?

If the members have it to give, then they'll give.

If they don't, that's fine too.

I don't like rubbing their struggles

up in their face passing around a hat.

How do you all pay the bills?

Ooh, through fasting and praying.

That's what I'ma pay y'all for rent.

You gonna get the fuck out of here fast.

Look, God brings us through. He's a waymaker.

You know, I used to be a broke grill mechanic

back in the day, but the feeling

of avoiding church because I didn't have

enough money to give, you know, that was a real fear.

- Hmm. - I love how you think.

You just think how you think.

You think of such wonderful thoughts.

You said you used to fix grills?

Well, maybe you can help me figure out

what's going on with this one in the back

- that I got before you go. - Oh, for sure.

Let me see if I still know what I'm talking about.

Ha! Sho' nuff. Come on, Pastor.

Oh, well, you know, don't keep him away too long,

'cause I'm gonna miss him so much.

Bye, baby.

Wow, subtle, Auntie.

Have you, once in your life,

ever heard the phrase, "Play it cool?"

No the fuck I have not.

- Oh. - Is this it right here?

Yeah, yeah, that's it right there, man.

- Oh, this is nice. - Hey, man, I--

I know you already got a good support system,

but if you need a real brother to talk to, I'm here.

You know, I can't imagine what you've been going through

since your wife died.

Man, I ain't even gonna lie, it's been tough.

All I do is take it day by day. You know, life is like a rose.

There's thorns and there's petals.

There's thorns and there's petals. Sometimes you got to feel the thorns

Sometimes you got to feel the thorns

so you can truly appreciate the petals.

Ah, hm. I can understand that.

Still, two months is wild.

You know, if I lost Pat, I'd still be a wreck, man.

Listen, man, I just try to stay focused

on all the blessings I still have.

- Yeah? Like what? - Plenty.

Like, I woke up this morning. There's one.

Another one is all these women

coming after me all of a sudden.

What's that saying?

When one door closes, ten more open up wide.

All these women like--

you mean like my sister-in-law?

She's not open.

Is she open?

Because trust me, I've seen opener.

Too open.

Wide open.

I'm just messing with you, Tito.

Oh. That's a good one.

Hey, hey, hey, I wasn't always a man of God.

Yeah. The devil is a liar.

- Hey, I'm serious. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Listen, I want to thank you all

again so much for your hospitality

in the midst of my grief.

You all have been a beautiful light.

Oh, well, I'm glad we could do that for you, Pastor.

I know it was weird getting an invite from a new member.

Well, you know, life is about taking risks, you know?

And risk is just the price you pay for opportunity.

Amen.

And I'd like to take this opportunity

to ask you out for coffee.

Oh. Well, I mean, I would love to.

I'll be in touch soon.

Hallelujah, Jesus.

God, please cover this man

as he travels the highways byways and triways

of these streets until we meet again

for our mocha choco-latte

itchy gitchy ya-ya Frappucino!

Amen.

You are truly anointed.

I felt that thing.

Whoo!

Y'all see that man kiss my hand?

It's giving Disney beauty and the bitch up in here.

And you're the bitch.

Denise, the man's wife just died.

And now he's asking you out for coffee?

Now, if something happened to Pat, boy, I'd be grieving--

Forever, nigga.

Ever.

Terry, you have known that man for two seconds

and you're already judging him. That ain't very Christ-like.

Oh really, Ms. Baptize-me-in-his-waters?

We've known him two seconds.

You don't know him no more than I do.

Remember that.

But my spirit had told me

that we was married in a past life,

during slavery.

Fine, I'll let it go.

Please do.

Because I done caught me a man of God!

I'm telling you, something ain't right

about him.

Look, Terry, I know how hard it is

to trust a nigga with no facial hair.

But beyond that, he looked like a good man.

Shut up, you cute bastard.

What is he doing here?

What are you doing here, boy?

Who are you talking to, Terry?

Very mature, Mom.

What was that noise?

Sound like an ungrateful asshole to me.

Sound like a bug.

Junebug,

she's just saying that you can't slip

back up into this house as if nothing happened, OK?

Now, we ain't gonna put you out in the street.

The hell we ain't.

But you need to address your issues with your mother.

Dad, there's nothing to address, OK?

She's mad because I'm right.

Ow.

Damn, I missed.

Look, I'm gonna leave, OK?

I'm just here to watch the baby while Alison is out.

Fine.

If you need help, you know--

Don't come in this house asking nobody for no help.

You hear me, boy?

Certainly not your mama, all right?

Now, you made this your responsibility, huh?

Now you handle it.

Where'd Alison go?

She went to go talk to her sperm donor.

The father of the baby?

- Yeah, that. - Junebug.

What?

What do you think the two of them

are doing out there right now?

Fucking!

No, they not.

Good night, son.

Oh, man, I slept great.

Whew. How about you?

Oh. Where's the baby? Where's the baby?

Dang, she ain't back yet?

I can't believe she left me here all night with the baby.

Well, did you try her location?

Yeah.

She's been in the same spot since she left.

Oh.

That means you about to have a little brother.

You about to be a step-stepdaddy.

That baby ain't real.

That's a real baby. That's a real baby.

Mm.

You wore all that for some coffee?

One woman's coffee date

is another woman's engagement planning.

Well, I just don't know what you see in that guy.

I'd like to see that guy in me.

Inside thoughts, please.

Um, look, Denise, I know you grown

and you make your own decisions,

but have you discussed some of this stuff with AA?

What stuff?

Why they need to know my rodeo ride wish list?

'Cause it look like you're trading one addiction

- for another, sis. - Excuse me?

And not only that, it don't seem right to be

doing it with this guy.

He ain't the right guy to be leaning on.

Are you trying to say that I'm addicted to dating?

I'm saying that you are addicted

to that kind of sexual energy and attention.

Well, it's better than the other shit.

I mean, why can't you let me have something?

I spend most of my time pouring into everybody else--

Pat, the kids, you.

Just feels good to have somebody

pour into me for a change.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I have a client to get ready for.

And you better drop this and get yourself right

- for Wednesday's revival. - All right, all right.

I'm gonna go on and let it go.

Janelle, you know how to stalk people on the internet?

Dad, is a pig's booty bacon? Who we stalking?

OK, good, good, good.

Google Pastor Jenkins for me real quick.

Pastor Jenkins.

There's a lot of Pastor Jenkins.

All right, Google Pastor Robert Jenkins

that go to the Rock Missionary Fellowship

Episcopalian Indiana Fellowship Church.

Dead wife.

Dead wife.

Only the church comes up.

He ain't got no social media?

Nope, nothing.

Man.

I just-- I just feel real bad for Denise, you know.

You know what? I'm tripping, man.

- Yeah, tripping. - I'ma go and just let it go.

- Chill. - Yeah. Yeah.

What you wanna watch?

Can one of you just watch him for a minute?

- I gotta go cut the grass. - Hey, girl, how you doing?

- Yeah, yesterday. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, hell no.

Mm, thank you for fitting me in, girl.

When I saw your hair at church, I was like,

"She gots to do mine."

I know you're gonna have me

looking like Nia Long in the '90s.

Well, I'm working with Bishop Eddie Long

from the 2000s, but I'll see what I can do.

So, I don't mean to get in your business--

Oh, girl, please. Yes, you do.

That's why you asking.

Well, I saw you and Pastor Jenkins

in that little coffee shop by the church.

Seemed like y'all got a little thing.

Ah, well, that thing ain't little.

Ooh. So y'all together, 'gether?

Yes, we together 'gether.

I mean, he's just so wonderful, you know?

Wonderful.

What's happening, brother.

Hey, what's happening?

I don't mean to get in anybody's business--

Oh, please.

Just come on out with it.

Well, word on the street is that your little boo thing

doesn't believe in divorce.

So when he wants to get rid of them, he just--

He just what?

- He just, you know. - He what?

Girl, he--

He...

bam.

Stop lying.

I ain't lying.

If I was you, I'd...

* Walk away *

Nuh-uh, see now, what you're not gonna do

is lie on my man of God like that.

Oh, and what you're not gonna do is

tell me what I'm gonna and not gonna do, cuh.

Yeah, you know what?

Walk away from this chair 'fore you catch these hands.

Oh, you can end up six feet under

over a 9-inch wonder if you want to,

but don't say I didn't warn you, Denise.

Get out of my house before you be singing

at your own funeral, choir boy.

Choir kweeng!

So you really ain't gonna finish my hair?

The rent is due. Come sit down.

Baby?

What, Terry?

I need you to help me to protect Denise.

Protect Denise? From what?

Wait a minute, them people still after her

for that PPP loan?

Well, she's not listening to nothing

that I got to say when it comes to that preacher.

Let that shit go.

Stop trying to dig up stuff on that man.

Well, Denise was doing

the choir director's hair today,

and he said that Pastor Jenkins don't believe in divorce,

so when he wants to get rid of his wives,

he just...

He what?

What?

- Click, click, boom. - Stop lying.

I ain't lying.

So wait a minute,

so you just Terry with the tea today, huh?

So you trying to tell me that man pushed his wife off a boat

while Gladys Knight was singing "Love Overboard"?

Hey, that's what the choir director says.

So we believing choir directors now?

They always stirring up shit.

No, I really do believe that there is something bad

going on with this guy.

I'm worried about Denise, Pat.

We need to expose him.

Expose him?

I don't like nobody playing with God.

Denise said that she's going back to that revival service

on Wednesday. Let's go.

He must be a hell of a con man.

He got me to go to church twice in one year.

And you know I don't be fuckin' with no church--

I mean, I don't be going to no church.

Alison, I need you to get here as fast as you can, OK?

The baby has heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis

in his right ear, gout,

and a little erectile dysfunction.

Oh my God, Junebug, you look so tired.

You sure you don't need me to miss church to help you out?

Oh, no, no, no, no, Janelle, you go ahead.

- I'll stay back. - Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

I'll stay. You go.

No, no, no, you need God more.

Both of y'all heathens going

to that revival service tonight.

You know, it is hard being a first lady,

but somebody has got to do it.

Where is you going looking like Big Bird on food stamps?

Ca-caw, ca-caw, bitch. Let's go.

Thank you all so much for coming.

We thank y'all.

Today, I'd like to talk about the life of love.

Mm, talk about it, 'cause that's what we in.

I got something to say.

Is there a problem?

Because it is not time for the benediction.

I like my eggs scrambled.

Pat, what are y'all doing?

Listen, we have some very disturbing

information about your pastor.

It was said that he was a murderer.

What?

A lying murderer from the stinkhole of hell.

In fact, a certain someone said

that his recently deceased wife was murdered by his hands.

And his two wives before him.

Somebody said that you killed two bitches on a cruise.

If that someone could help us confirm.

Who said that?

Are you done yet?

Yeah, I'm done. And so are you.

You see, I know who spread that rumor,

because he's my own brother.

My brother is upset 'cause Daddy left me

the church 'cause he said his weaves

were distracting the spirit!

Isn't that right, Chauncey?

My bundles usher in the spirit.

Church, y'all know that I've only been married

one time to my darling Regina.

So there are no other wives.

As of yet, y'all.

Second, when you allow my brother's lies and gossip

to negate all of the times I married you

in your brightest hour and sat and prayed with you

in your darkest hour, we will allow it.

Now, I can understand if it was someone credible,

but my brother Chauncey's lies are unfounded

and unsubstantiated and should not keep

a faithful shepherd from his flock.

What say you, o ye children of God?

Amen. Amen.

Amen, baby.

Amen.

Now apologize to this man and stop embarrassing us

as a first family.

I'd like to apologize to you, Pastor Jenkins

because I knew you was a good man,

and I don't like many people.

That serpent Terry got in my ear led me astray

like Eve in the Olive Garden.

Pastor Jenkins, I apologize.

I misjudged you.

You sure did.

And that's on me.

It's all on you.

OK. My bad.

Listen, I accept your apology.

So if y'all don't mind, I would love

to finish the service.

Yes. Excuse me.

Now If you could take out your bi--

I came right away.

The baby isn't gonna die, is he?

Black Tanner's the baby's father?

Well, you knew it wasn't gonna be white Tanner.

So what, you just left me alone for three days

to hook up with your sidepiece?

Hey, I ain't no sidepiece.

Shut up, sidepiece.

I spoke with him and his grandmother,

and they said that Jordan and I could stay with them.

Wow.

You just choosing him over me?

I mean, I was the best.

I'm not choosing him, Juney.

Wait a minute, hold up.

I'm choosing not to drag you through this.

It just makes the most sense since he's ready.

What about us?

Look, there's no more us.

It's us.

You shouldn't have to put together the pieces.

We have a lot to learn, but we want to try.

Yeah. I mean, it's only right that I step up to the plate.

My son deserves that.

But, man to man, I do want to say thank you.

I really appreciate you holding Alison

and the baby down.

Alison.

It's his son, Junebug.

Hey, little man.

I'm your dad.

Juney, I really didn't mean to hurt you.

Ever since your mom told me that she wanted to protect you,

it just landed differently when I finally had someone

I needed to protect.

I think you deserve better than me right now.

But, Alison, we've already--

We appreciate all that you've done.

Bye, Juney.

Is there one person in here tonight

that would like to give their life to Christ?

- Pat? - Go to hell.

Yeah, sister in the back in the hat.

No, no, no, the sister with the biggest hat

- way in the back. - Well, hello there.

- Regina? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my.

What in the-- like Lazarus, you have been revived.

Like Jonah out of the belly of the whale.

God has answered my prayers.

He works in mysterious ways, y'all.

He has brought my beautiful wife back to me.

No. No. Unclap them hands.

I said unclap them hands. No.

Now what has happened is that this knock-kneed,

low-down, dark-skinned Joel Osteen

hired somebody to kill me.

This woman is not my wife.

She has been consumed by the lying,

deceitful spirit of the enemy.

The only thing I'm consumed by is the truth.

Amen? Amen.

Let him use you.

Now, I wanted a divorce,

but this guttersnipe don't believe in it.

No, what he believes in is murder.

So he hired a hitman to kill me.

I knew it.

The spirit of the lace front never lies.

I did all that, then how are you still here?

'Cause the check bounced.

Nigga.

You wrote a check to kill a bitch?

You should have used Zelle.

And our daddy said that I was the sinner.

I can't believe this.

You's a liar,

and you's a cheat, and I don't want you no more.

I don't want you. I don't want you no more.

Why didn't y'all tell me?

Regina, let's talk about it. Come on, baby.

- Oh, who are you calling baby? - That's what you're mad at?

Police, come get this man.

Terry, you need to be ashamed of yourself.

I need to be ashamed of myself?

Yeah, you're the one who told me to talk to the man.

I did not tell you--

Get off me, man. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Come on.

Regina, me and you against the world living one on one.

Hit it, Rufus.

* Victory is mine *

* Victory is mine *

* Victory is mine *

So y'all happy that you was right about him?

I'm just happy we stopped you from being

in another bad relationship.

You could have said a bad relationship, Terry.

You didn't have to say another bad relationship.

Maybe you just need to focus on yourself.

Maybe you're right.

I was thinking that I will bring

this up at my next AA meeting.

I don't know why you're so pressed for a relationship.

Marriage ain't all that.

I mean, it's literally the same nigga forever.

The same funky feet forever.

The same tired-ass position--

Excuse me?

You know, a wise man once told me

that risks are the price you pay for opportunity.

So I'ma keep on swinging.

That nigga wasn't wise. He was a murderer.

He was wise enough to pay somebody else to do it.

With a check.

That bounced.

Ma, can I talk to you for a minute?

I think I'm gonna go ahead and give y'all some space.

- Denise. - Hmm?

- So are you. - No, I'm not.

I need some joy in my life.

At least let me see some child abuse.

Denise.

Ma.

I wanted to apologize.

You were right.

No, don't come in here with that half-assed apology.

You weren't sorry when that girl had your nose

wide the fuck open.

You weren't sorry when you was running around here

playing daddy to somebody else's baby.

You let Alison make you think that you could disrespect me.

Denise, fly your ass back in here.

I know, Ma. I know.

I just--

Yeah, you thought you was in love.

Well, I am in love.

She chose someone else over me.

Yes!

Fuck her.

If only it was that easy.

It ain't never gonna be easy.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Yeah. Stuff hurts.

It should hurt.

And I hope it keeps hurting.

'Cause you got to go through shit

to know how to flush that toilet.

Well, love is way more complicated

than I thought it would be.

Hey, I know I am definitely not ready for a family.

So, I really am sorry for disrespecting you, Mom.

I know now that you were only trying to look out for me.

Well, we're your family.

And don't you ever in your raggedy-ass life

bring another pregnant ho in my house.

How about we just drop the pregnant part?

Hos need love too.

That's why we love your Auntie Denise.

* And she don't take no stuff *

* She's a grown-ass woman *

* And you can't get enough *

* She's a grown-ass woman *

* With a husband and kids *

* She's a grown-ass woman *

* And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" *