Original subtitles

Y'all remember them old black-and-white sitcoms?

You know, the ones where Black people was either a maid

or an off-screen nigga that was lynched

by a daddy who had just got home?

When I was a kid, y'all, I dreamed of having

a perfect family like that.

You know, no drama, no kids talking back.

Their version of shopping is not stealing

out the damn Goodwill donation box.

You know what?

I really feel like I have that now.

Trouble is, life isn't black or white.

It's more like that gray hair

that hanging off your grandma chin.

Let's get this shit started.

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed in front

of a live studio audience.

♪ ♪

Here is your rent money, Mother.

I even put an extra 100 on top for you.

Oh, you shouldn't have, my brilliant bum.

I just wanted to show you how appreciative I am

for letting me live here and giving me access

to all of your hard-earned motherly wisdom.

Oh, no.

I hope I didn't miss any of Mama's hard-earned

motherly wisdom, did I?

Mother, are you baking again?

Can I have a cookie?

No.

You're too darn sweet as it is.

Oh, Mama.

Oh, that's my mama.

Honey, I'm home!

Ahh!

Here's your scotch, and your slippers are on the stairs.

How was work today, darling?

Oh, it was the cat's pajamas.

Here you go, love.

Janelle, water, please.

Get this.

I switched the water fountain signs today at work.

Now white folks are drinking colored water.

Can they tell the difference?

They will when they can't vote.

Oh, Dad, you crack me up.

Did someone say crack?

Auntie Denise!

Oh, Pat, I've got a proposition for you.

I hope it's not another one of your harebrained schemes.

No, there'll be no wacky hijinks going on today,

I promise.

So I've inherited a monkey.

A monkey?

This sound like a hijinks.

I think I'll call him Bubbles!

I have such a perfect family.

Everybody, meet my new girlfriend.

Hi, Mom.

What the fudge?

Why am I saying fudge?

There's no swearing in a black-and-white, Mom!

Brandon, shut the fudge up!

Uh, fix it, Jesus.

Somebody get me the God dang it remote!

Here.

You dumb motherfucker!

♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

Get the fuck off me!

How many times I done told you how hard it is

to be a teen parent out here,

and you go out here and hit this clear coochie raw?

Ma, it wasn't like that.

You going to tell her, or should I?

Tell me what?

I mean, they did still have raw sex.

Mm, about that.

Junebug, what happened to the FitRite condoms?

You were supposed to fuck with the FitRites.

Well, they didn't fit right, OK?

And, Ma, I'm not the biological father.

Oh, you better praise God,

'cause I'd have chopped your dick off.

Look, Barbie, I understand you got a belly,

but you got to get up out of here.

- She can't go. - Why not?

She got kicked out.

She ever heard of a nigga called shelter?

My dad thinks my situation cost him the election.

He said I shamed the family, and he doesn't want me

- around anymore. - Wow.

- That's horrible. - Tragic.

What the fuck that got to do with us?

She's my girlfriend.

Junebug, you are a kid.

You are not old enough to be nobody's daddy.

At all.

You were when you were my age.

Well, now, he got you there, Pat-Pat.

I'm a mom because I didn't have any money

- to abort Ashley. - Well, damn.

You know what I mean.

I love you, but I could have done without you.

- But I love you. - Excuse me.

But you really love me, though, right, Mama?

I mean, I bet you're glad you kept me, huh?

The clinic was closed.

Look, Alison, I understand you

and your daddy's having problems,

but you got to find another friend house to go to.

Junebug's my only friend. He's the love of my life.

Well, what about the nigga that fucked you?

- Mom! - Terry!

- Yeah? - Get down here.

You ain't gonna believe this shit.

Dad already knows about Alison.

What do you mean, you already damn know?

All right, all right. Listen.

What you mean, listen? I'm Dumbo up in this bitch.

Baby, you was out on tour when all this stuff went down.

There was enough on your plate already, baby.

Don't tell me how much to eat!

And we squashed it already.

We didn't want you to overreact.

I'm not overreacting!

We supposed to be a team.

But my teammate don't tell me my son out here

rawdogging Cinderella?

Yeah, Dad, why don't you tell her?

Please do not call my brother-in-law

no damn daddy.

What she want, every Black man in the house?

Hey, listen, baby. I had it under control.

Really? Then can you tell me

why this pregnant ho is at my house?

Her name is Alison.

- Her name is pregnant ho! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pat, Pat.

Come on, baby.

Take a second and breathe, huh?

You're right.

I need to calm down.

Listen, pregnant ho.

I know you're pregnant, and I know you a ho.

I know you're scared, and I've been there myself,

but what you're not gonna do,

you're not gonna rope-a-dope my son

into no fucked-up future.

I have nowhere else to go.

Aren't you a Republican?

You have our thoughts and prayers.

All right, look. She's not going anywhere.

- Oh, watch! - What?

Get your hands off my girl!

Hey, watch how you talk to your mama!

What the hell did you just say?

I said, get your hands off my girl.

- Hey, come on, boy! - Take cover! Take cover!

Take cover!

Alison is my girlfriend.

And if y'all have any respect for me at all,

then you need to respect that.

I will never respect a boy who I pay his cell phone bill

and pay for his damn lunch.

I would never respect a clown

who can't even pay for the drawers on his funky ass.

One day you might be a man, but today is not that day.

And let me tell you something.

That is not your fucking girlfriend,

and that is not your baby.

Am I understood?

Am I understood?

- Yes. - Yes, what?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Alison. You need to go now.

I don't know where.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Uh, Alison, God came to me, and he told me he was

gonna see you through, OK?

So go on, now. Bye-bye.

Well, shit!

Now you're saying the bitch got to stay?

Ouch!

Ouch is exactly what your fucking future is saying.

This isn't your business.

And that ain't your baby.

Not technically, no, but--

I know what you're thinking, Junebug.

Because you're thinking the same shit

I was thinking at your age-- that this baby is gonna be

like a teddy bear, a cute little accessory

for your life. No, Junebug.

The baby is your life from the jump.

- Trust me. - But you don't have a baby.

Boy, why is you so dead set on being

somebody's damn daddy?

It's not about that.

I-- look, I've seen the love my parents were able to create

in this type of situation,

and I feel like me and Alison could do the same thing,

and I'm a man.

What makes you think you a man, Junebug?

You don't see this mustache?

I see an upper lip with sunburn.

A man is a boy who can make choices and stand by them.

And right now, I choose Alison.

And I'm in love.

In love?

Boy, you don't know love.

I was in love with Twan.

We used to steal together.

And then he stole my heart and my TV.

Then I was in love with Vince,

and I don't really talk about him much

because of the gag order, and not the good kind of gag.

Um, but that was real love, and it still wasn't right.

Junebug, you ain't in no real love,

and you damn sure ain't in no right love.

I don't need y'all to tell me what to do.

This feels right to me.

And none of y'all are gonna talk me out of it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to go check on my better half.

Sit your ass down.

Now, this is gonna be a hell of a lot harder

than you think.

I had a front row seat to all the things

that your mama went through,

and it scared me off babies for life.

Hmm. That's weird.

What's weird?

Well, Mama always says the reason

you don't have any baby is 'cause you can't keep a man.

I can keep a man, Junebug.

- Mm. - I can.

The real question is, can a man keep me, OK?

That's the real question.

And the answer is, fuck you, little boy!

So what is your life plans? You got any goals?

Of course, I have goals.

I want to have so many babies with Junebug

that it won't matter who put number one in me.

Now, you know for 80 cents a day,

you could support all the Black babies

you want, right?

Black babies went up?

Yeah, girl. Inflation.

Alison, I have seen how all the boys drool

all over you at school.

I mean, good-looking boys. Smart boys.

So please just help me understand, why--

I'm sorry.

- Why Junebug? - He's my Juney.

I know he's always gonna be there to take care of me.

You didn't take care of him when you lied

about that being his baby.

That was my dad, not me.

- You went along with it. - I just love him so much.

I wanted him in my life. In our life.

Whatever it took.

both: Bitch, please!

You really want to fall for a teenager

dumb enough to get dad-fished?

Well, Juney and I feel that, spiritually, it is our baby.

Well, spiritually, you can think

whatever you want, but sperm-ily,

that is not your family.

I don't think you all get a say in what he chooses to do.

Junebug is old enough to make his own decisions.

You don't care that you could be ruining his life?

No. I'm saving it.

Excuse me?

I'm saving him from having to be in a family

where he is constantly disrespected

and walked over and undervalued.

Now he will at least have two people

who actually believe he's capable of being

whatever it is he wants to be.

What the fuck that supposed to mean?

You and that little motherfucker

in your stomach don't know nothing about my son, OK?

We're not looking for no caseworker.

And, boo-boo, this ain't "Losing Isaiah."

And how dare you say we don't believe in him?

I'm not saying you don't.

That's literally what you just said.

- Terry! - Yeah.

What's going on, baby?

I need you to get in here,

go out there and clean a path,

and get her the hell up out my house.

You can't just put her out on the street.

I'm not.

I'ma put her in the yard like Monday trash.

She's staying here.

You don't run nothing around here, boy.

Well, if you guys are kicking her out,

then you're kicking all three of us out.

Come on, Bug.

Three-for-one coupon. Bye.

I am old enough to make my own decisions.

- I am a man. - Oh, you a man?

- That's right. - Then take my clothes off.

What?

Like I said earlier, you ain't paid

for none of that shit on your back.

Now, run me my shit.

Uh, Juney?

Pat, the last thing this situation needs

is a naked boy in the kitchen.

Start stripping.

What?

Yeah right, Ma.

- You crazy. - I'm glad you know I'm crazy.

Now, go ahead and get my Jordans off your feet,

'cause I can get some money for them.

And give my shirt, too.

Give me my shirt before I take it off you.

Damn, I need to be going to the gym with Junebug.

Give me my pants.

Ma!

Don't make me take my pants off

in front of your little girlfriend.

There.

- You happy? - No. Give me them drawers.

No, no, don't do that, Junebug.

- No, no, no, no, no. - No, no.

- No. - No.

- Help! - Oh!

Oh, damn.

Did she piss herself?

Think your fake-ass nephew is on the way.

Well, somebody do something.

Everybody calm down! I'm on it.

I'll go get the Swiffer.

And y'all thought I wasn't gonna be a good father.

Yes, hello, 911?

Oh, shoot. OK.

No, hello yourself.

No, it's just that you have a really deep voice, is all.

What's your name, daddy?

Gimme the damn phone.

Listen up.

We got the mayor's daughter over here.

No, she ain't no damn hostage.

How much can we get, though?

Damn, he do got a sexy-ass voice.

Uh, Larry, baby, how soon do you think you can

get an ambulance over here?

What is he saying?

Ooh, 'cause we need it now.

Why are you rubbing on your mildew-ass Milk Duds?

What is he saying?

Come over here and let me talk to you real quick.

OK, we got a real shit-uation on our hands.

Larry just said that because of the blizzard,

they not gonna be able to get an ambulance here in time.

Are you kidding me?

The fuck are you carrying, a demon?

Well, if they can't get here in time,

then what are we gonna do?

Uh, you know, it's all good.

Like Stevie said, don't you worry about a thing.

Stevie Nicks said that?

Uh, Pat, help me out.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

Uh, Auntie, uh, can your new boyfriend walk us

through it over the phone?

Oh, good idea, Junebug.

And please go upstairs and put some clothes on.

Hey, don't you put on nothing I bought you.

Larry, uh, would you be able to walk us

through this delivery?

No, I know you got it

under control.

You be having every little thing under control.

Denise!

Uh-- uh, Larry said, how far apart are the contractions?

R. Kelly and Puff Daddy.

They don't sound too far apart to me, Larry.

Uh, he said you gotta lay down, baby.

Oh, hell no.

I'm not letting no white girl put her

twat pocket on my damn couch.

Well, it's no different than them porns

that Terry be watching.

Kids, get in here!

Uh, OK.

Uh, Janelle, I need you to go to the laundry room,

get the blue tarp, and then come back

- and lay it on the sofa. - OK.

Ashley, I need you to get some ice for her

to chew, make a pot of hot cocoa,

and then whip up a plate with a big sandwich

and some barbecue chips.

OK.

Uh, Alison, what type of sandwich?

Uh, the sandwich is for me,

and I would like a turkey club, and then double-deck it

if we got enough bread.

Now, come on, Ashley, 'cause you're wasting time.

OK, what can I do?

You can start shoveling the driveway

so the ambulance will have somewhere to park.

It's like negative 30 out there.

I could key a whole car with my nipples.

Boy, get your ass out there.

- It's colder in here. - Hey, hey, hey.

I'm gonna help you out, Brandon.

Hey.

What in the devil you got on, man?

Wait, wait.

You look like a Powerpuff nigga.

I'm wearing our clothes.

I'm gonna go shovel some snow.

Last time I was in the room for a birth, I--

- You passed out. - Passed out?

Oh, what-- what kind of father are you, man?

- I could never. - You don't understand.

I've been to war, and that's still the worst thing

I've ever seen.

Put it back in. Put it back in.

Don't worry, Bug.

Your daddy suffer from pussy-TSD.

Do you know how hard it is to push a bowling ball

out through a keyhole?

Oh, now, Pat, you know you ain't never

been that tight.

Hold on, Larry.

Hold on, hold on.

Why are you crying, outside of the obvious?

I didn't mean to cause this much drama in your family.

- Really, I didn't. - Please.

Pushing out a baby is diet drama in this household.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

It seems like every week some new shit

is going on around here.

I really think we should have a TV show.

I just feel like Mrs. Carson is never

gonna be OK with Juney and me.

You right.

Maybe everything would just be easier

if I gave the baby up for adoption.

- No. - It makes the most sense.

Oh, now listen to me.

You do not want to do that.

You will regret that decision for the rest of your life.

How do you know?

Well, just trust me, OK?

- Trust me. - OK.

All right. Now, come on, spread 'em.

I-- I don't know.

Well, don't be shy now.

It ain't nothing I ain't never seen before.

I had a, um, lesbian phase back in '98.

Yeah, the taste thing really didn't work for me,

because when I would go down, like, it was just like--

OK, Denise.

I don't really care if you see my haystack.

I was just hoping maybe you'd put some gloves on first.

Of course. Good call.

Janelle, go to the kitchen and get me some of them

yellow dishwashing gloves.

They haven't been used, have they?

Now, beggars can't be choosers.

You really don't like rubbers, do you?

Janelle, uh, hit them shits with some Palmolive

and make sure they're good and disinfected.

Do you even know what you're doing?

That's a fair question.

And the answer is?

No, I don't.

But I have delivered pizzas.

And I always deliver sexually.

Between me, Denise, and her new boyfriend,

we're gonna deliver you safely, baby.

This is not my first rodeo.

What y'all need me to do?

- Mrs. Carson? - Yes?

Would you hold my hand, please?

Um...

I got you.

How's it going out there?

Pretty good.

I'm going back out.

I just need to...

Warm up. We got it.

You know you got a booger-cicle hanging from your nose, right?

- I got it. - My hands are frozen.

Ow!

Thanks.

Let me have one of them wet washcloths.

Just breathe, baby.

Uh, don't you guys wash your butts with those?

Yep.

Get used to smelling shit.

Yo, y'all got some hot chocolate

or something up in here?

And some glue to reattach my toes.

Man, you got gout.

Your toes been dead.

And you know, Brandon started crying at one point,

but his tears froze up too fast-- oh, Lord!

♪ Jesus, Jesus never fails ♪

Look, I know it hurt, but I had Ashley and Brandon

when I was younger than you. I was scared as hell.

I didn't have no parents. I didn't have shit.

But look at that beautiful Black woman right there.

She's smart, she's special,

and she's strong, and she use dildos.

And they don't get you pregnant.

Don't let her convert you.

Hell, I did something right.

Thanks, Mrs. Carson.

Let's get this thing out of me.

Ooh, yeah! That's it. OK.

Now grab Pat's hand and grind it out.

Oh, you got it, well done.

Well, that's it.

Larry, I'm seeing the top of the head.

You are? Oh, really?

- Oh! Oh, God. - Come on, honey. Come on.

What kind of father are you, Juney?

Junebug!

Oh, he all right. He just sleeping.

Mom!

It fucks men up when they realize the tussy cat

is gonna look like a crime scene.

Yeah, this shit looking real "First 48"-ish.

Oh, God!

Oh, baby, you ain't gonna have

no little rosebud no more.

You're gonna be able to kick a field goal

through that thing.

Whoa!

Yes, yes, that was the push that

made the difference, Alison.

Keep breathing just like that. We're halfway there.

Make her laugh again, Pat.

I guess I could tell you when I had my fourth child,

I'm walking through the grocery store,

and my vagina just hit the floor.

Yeah, Mom.

Yeah, Mom. Make her laugh again.

- Go on. - No way!

- That didn't happen. - Uh-huh.

My pussy hit the floor, said splat-a-tat-tat-tat.

Right there in the deli aisle, and the butcher

picked it up and weighed it.

It's coming, Ma. How much did it weigh?

2.3 pounds of spicy pussy!

- Oh, my goodness. - We got us a baby.

Oh, my goodness. Oh.

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, look at that little beautiful angel.

Wow, that erases all the doubt.

This baby is too cute to be Junebug's.

Oh, who gonna cut the cord?

Can I?

I don't care. It ain't my baby.

Well, actually, can I do it?

- Yeah. - Here.

- Oh. - Whew.

What'd I miss?

The birth of your child, deadbeat.

Oh, God.

Ambulance.

- What? - The ambulance!

Why the hell you didn't tell me the ambulance here?

Oh, thank you, baby Jesus.

Come on in.

Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

You wouldn't happen to be a very sexy-voiced man

named Larry, would you?

No, ma'am.

My name is Darius.

My friends call me Darius the Hilarious,

because I got mad jokes.

- What's your name? - My name?

Yeah.

Is do your damn job.

Janelle, after this, we putting you

- on birth control. - Birth control?

Girl, after this, I want the pill, the patch,

and the shot, OK?

Thanks for getting me through that.

Girl, you think you through this?

Your journey has just begun.

But I will say this.

If I can do it, you can too.

Make sure you take care of that baby.

I will.

Because I take care of my babies.

What do you mean?

I mean going forward, I would like for you to stay

the hell away from my son.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You are not about to throw out the mother of my child.

And no, I'm not gonna to throw her out.

That's right, you're not.

I'm throwing your ungrateful, musty ass out instead.

That's right, you--

what-- what'd you say?

You heard me.

Uh, Pat, let's talk about this, huh?

- Where am I gonna go? - You'll figure it out.

You said you grown.

Pat, you sure you want to do all that?

Yeah, grown people do grown people shit.

- Eh. - You know what? Fine.

I don't need y'all anyway.

I'll just go move in with Ashley.

Oh, nah.

I'm the only grown man in my house, boo.

Hey, hey, hey.

Now, hold on now, son.

Don't go doing nothing crazy, now.

No. Let him go. He said he didn't need us.

Wait up, y'all. I'm coming with you.

Don't come back.

Oh, I won't.

And by the way, Mom, that was real nice

during the delivery how you told Alison

how great Ashley grew up to be.

And you had plenty to do with that, sure.

But so did Dad, OK?

He came into your life when you were in

a bad situation and helped you raise

two kids that weren't even his.

And he's still here, isn't he?

And those kids turned out to be pretty great,

didn't they?

Get the hell out of my house looking like a gender reveal.

Y'all are some hypocrites.

Get your hypocrite ass off my porch!

Ah, that boy done lost his damn mind.

You know he coming back, right?

I don't give a fuck.

Yes, you do.

This family, we ain't exactly perfect, now are we?

No, but a bitch can wish.

Oh.

I don't know, Mama.

Do you think Juney's gonna be OK?

We'll have to tune in next week and see.

Wait, but this is streaming.

Can't we just go to the next episode?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Hit the next motherfucking epi--

Shit.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪