Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- A wise Negro once said,

"When you're close to your destiny,

"at that exact time is when that ugly naked devil

will jump out of the bushes."

Some of us is scared of that devil,

and some of us hide from that devil.

But the ones who truly reaches their destiny

is the one who looked that devil in his eye

and tell him how small his dick really is.

Then he'll run and jump out another bush,

and maybe next time, he'll jump out

with a bigger dick, and then we all got to hide.

[phone chimes]

- [laughing]

- What's so damn funny? I want to laugh too.

- Oh, baby, it ain't nothing.

- Oh, is that your little groupie

down at your job, Michelle?

'Cause I know she was blowing up

your phone yesterday. - Oh, you saw that, huh?

- Yeah, I saw it.

And she shouldn't be texting no damn married man either.

- Hey, maybe she just checking up on me.

She human resources, and she good people.

I mean, she a little extra, but good people.

- Is she married? - Her husband passed away.

- I knew she was a lonely bitch.

- [laughs]

Baby, what you got going on today, Pat?

- I'm starting my podcast,

and I'm excited as hell 'cause all them other comics

are out there making big money doing this shit.

- Dang, you're doing podcasts too?

You sure you gotta start today?

I was just hoping that you could take care of me.

- I'm sorry, baby, my agent just set up

this lunch for Monday.

- Between the tour and the radio spots

and now this?

When you gonna have time for us, baby, huh?

- I've been washing everybody ass

for the last 30 years, OK?

It's time for me to start washing my ass.

People finally paying attention to me.

I got to do what I can while I can.

- Hey, Mom, can I borrow some money to get my hair done?

- Borrow?

I got a better chance of getting

my damn money back from my dead cousin

who got ate up by an alligator.

- What you need cash for, baby?

- Well, I'm sick of my hair.

And I finally found a Black hair salon

in town that's good with braids.

- Wait a minute, Plainfield got

a Black beauty salon?

That's like having an orgy for raising awareness for STDs.

Ain't nobody coming.

- Well, that's why I want to support them.

I mean, I would ask Aunt Denise to do it,

but I still got PTSD from when she burnt

my hair out with her grease.

- Would y'all get this girl some cash?

I mean, don't y'all want to support a Black business?

- I support her.

She's Black, and she's my business.

- Daddy.

- He ain't going to help you neither.

- Here, baby.

- I hate you giving-ass Christians.

- Dad, Eartha Kitt and I say thank you.

- Eartha Kitt?

- Yeah, that's what I call my 'fro.

- Oh.

- How the hell do you know who Eartha Kitt is?

I hate I taught you how to read.

- You didn't. That's why I can.

So you ready to head out, Janelle?

- Yeah. - Why are you going?

- Well, I'm gonna go see if they let me

sell Denise Grease out the shop.

And Janelle is going to testify

as to how well this shit works. - Yep, I'm gonna lie.

- Y'all about to kill them Black women down there.

- Hey, uh, T, can I get a couple of bucks for me too?

- Goodbye, Denise.

- I really hate non-giving-ass Christians.

- Ah, God. - Well, time to podcast.

You all right, baby?

- Oh, baby, my leg's been killing me.

You sure you can't push it? Huh?

I really need you to help me today.

Take care of me, baby, damn.

- OK. - Oh, wait a minute!

Now, come on. Ah! Ah!

- See?

I told you I can do both. You're welcome.

- OK.

Ah. Ah.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Ah, this place feels like home.

- Mm, if it was really like home,

your mama'd be calling somebody a bald headed bitch right now.

- Hey, welcome to Ms. Pearl's. I'm Armani, the lace legend.

- Oh, OK.

Well, I'm Janelle, the debate deity.

Do you guys do "Lemonade" braids or maybe box--

- Ooh, is this a 360 unit with a HD lace?

- Oh, you know your craft, young one.

- And, bitch, this color, Sis. You ate down.

Who styled you? - Girl, it's all me.

But I do want to talk to you about my hair grease

'cause I think this would really get the salon popping.

- Mm-hmm, my auntie does it all,

from kinkabugs to hair plugs.

- Oh, fo' real, fo' real? Are you looking for a chair?

- You mean like a chair to do hair?

For real? - Girl, hell yeah!

Come on!

- Well, you ain't said nothing but a word.

- OK, Denise, this is Charnelle.

This Ms. Pearl's daughter. She run the shop day-to-day.

- Pleasure to meet you, Denise.

- OK, Denise sell grease, she do hair,

and she want that open chair.

Oh, shit, did I just freestyle? [laughs]

- Well, um, can I see a sample of your work?

- Oh, yeah, well, I got these two right here

and what's on my head.

- OK, fantastic work. Do you have a license?

- Yeah, I got it the last time I was in jail.

- Nope.

- Um, what I meant to say was I used to do the bride's hair

'cause we were cellmates.

- It's OK. It's fine.

I don't judge. When can you start?

- How about five minutes ago?

You are not going to regret this!

- Ooh, OK, but my spine is already regretting it.

Let go, let go. Please let me go.

OK, thank you.

- Kitty cat, kitty cat, one, two, three.

Come on back, cat, cat, cat, cat!

Junebug, how were my levels? - I, uh, have no idea, Ma.

I told you, I don't know nothing about this stuff.

- OK, luckily, I know my AV.

Check, check, hey, hey. Alpha, bravo, omega.

Oh, we are good to launch, Ma.

- OK, Maverick. Starting the recording.

- Oh, wait, hold up. - Stopping the recording.

We ain't decide a name on the show yet.

- I told you, I'ma name it "Rouge Table Talk."

- You know, Ma, I still think

"The Pat Down" is a better name.

- Yeah, me too. I mean, that's two against one.

- Y'all don't matter, so it's one against none.

- Can we just roll, please, before I lose my magic?

- Starting the recording.

- Welcome to the first episode of "The Pat Down Podcast."

I am your host, Ms. Pat,

and on this podcast, we gonna be talking

about some real shit that pisses me off.

And why not get started?

'Cause the shit that pisses me off

is next to me, my son, Brandon.

And he-- - Ha, that's right!

It's your boy, Ms. Pat's co-host

with the co-most! [laughs]

- [laughs sarcastically] Pause that shit.

- Stopping the recording.

- Didn't I tell you not to talk?

Junebug. - Starting the recording.

- Pat, I'm thirsty! - Stopping the recording.

- I'm podcasting.

- But I need some water, baby. Can one of the kids help?

- They helping me. - But you not in pain, Pat.

- I am in pain.

I'm surrounded by men

who can't do shit for theyselves.

What the fuck I look like?

Do I look like Florence from "The Jeffersons"?

This is why you don't fucking get married.

I'm sick of this motherfucker.

I'ma drown the shit out this nigga.

- A Black mother in her natural habit.

Didn't you get goosebumps? That was exhilarating.

- I don't know. It's unexplainable.

- Get his own motherfucking water.

- Mm. Mm.

Yes. - Son of a bitch.

- I think I got it right this time.

[both muttering indistinctly]

- Ooh, OK, niece-y, I see you.

- [laughs]

And the category is "Lemonade," extra lemon.

- Well, hey, everybody.

- Oh, Ms. Pearl,

Ain't you a sight for sore eyes?

- Well, baby, if you kept your eyes on your own man,

your eyes wouldn't be sore.

I saw how you looked at Justin

when you drove by the other day.

- Ooh, Ms. Pearl.

Now Justin delivers your mail. He is not your man.

- Well, baby, that's not what God told me.

Where's my daughter? I got an appointment.

- Oh, Charnelle's out running errands,

so just have a seat. She'll be back soon.

- Well, she better be.

And why is this place so messy?

Y'all make people think we hired a whole bunch

of untrained heifers.

- Hi, Ms. Pearl. I'm Denise.

Your daughter hired me today.

You know, doing hair professionally

has been a dream of mine forever.

- You any good? - Well, I like to think so.

Here is one of my very own babies right here.

- Ah.

Give me that ruby red over there.

- Oh, OK.

Now this would be fire on you, Ms. Pearl.

- I think Justin would like this too.

Give me something to hold on to if you know what I mean,

if he don't burn his hands.

- Oh, Ms. Pearl.

- Armani, I've been waiting a half hour.

- I'm sorry.

I got to show these Instagram hoes

what they get when they book with the lace legend.

Uh, what you doing?

Where are you going? I'm almost done.

- Uh-uh-uh.

You lost her fair and square.

You never get too busy for your customer.

- Yeah, I've done enough waiting.

Denise will do me. - Denise will do me.

That was my nickname in high school.

And middle school if I'm being honest.

- [laughs] Girl, you're funny.

- Well, thank you, but Armani, look,

I'm not trying to move in on your clients.

- Oh, no, it's all good.

Plus the client made her decision.

And you just start now. You could use the business.

- OK, I mean, if you say so.

OK then, Champagne, my assistant Janelle

is gonna wash you up good, no charge.

- I am?

[chuckles] I am.

- Then I'ma braid you down, and we gonna get you together.

- Wait. There ain't no washing fee?

- Well, you shouldn't have to pay $20

for no little squirt of shampoo.

- Wow, 'cause Armani charges for everything.

She even got a fee when I don't do my own braids.

- Well, shit, if you got to do all that,

you might as well did your hair at home.

- Oh, mm-mm, trust.

I ain't never going back to the ghetto.

- The ghetto? - Ooh.

Couldn't have been me.

- Old client cuffing bitch. - Mm.

- You have outdone yourself! - I know, right?

I forgot how much I love.

Uh! - Hey!

- Oh! - Hey!

- Uh! - Hey!

- You might have to do me next if my daughter don't hurry up

and get her behind back here.

- Yes, ma'am. I sure will.

So you like it, Champagne? - Yes.

- Oh, you gonna send me a bottle of your name?

- Oh, for sure. - Girl, I'm just playing.

I don't drink no more.

No, for real, don't send me shit.

- Sorry, girl, but I love this hair, OK?

You got me looking like Rihanna.

Pon de replay, ey!

- Let's not get crazy now, girl.

- I don't know how to thank you.

- Well, money works. - Oh, yes, it does.

But girl, I'ma tag you on IG, OK?

Because I'm telling all my girls about you.

- Oh, well, thank you.

My Insta is DeniseDaChiefATL, all one word.

- OK, now, I'ma see you in a few weeks.

- Wow.

Sis, you did pretty good. - Oh, thank you so much.

Look, I just want to say I'm sorry.

- Oh, no hard feelings. Don't worry.

And you'll get much, much better after more practice.

- Yeah, for sure.

- Matter of fact, why don't you practice for Ms. Pearl here?

Charnelle's running late.

Come on, Ms. Pearl.

- All right.

Honey, you know how to do a curl set?

- Yes, ma'am. - Now wigs is one thing.

But real hair is something different altogether.

- Well, this girl knows how to do a curl.

- We'll see.

- She ain't got no hair to do.

- Oh, honey, come here a minute.

Now if you make my hair look raggedy,

we're going to go outside and really get raggedy.

You feel me? - Yes, ma'am.

- OK.

- Auntie, do you think it's a good idea

to take Ms. Pearl away from her daughter?

- Well, normally, I would never,

but Armani said it was cool, so it was cool.

[phone rumbling]

- Well, get in there, baby. Stop romancing it.

[phone rumbling] Is that noise gonna continue?

- Uh, Janelle, get my phone.

It's popping off like I owe somebody money.

- You probably do.

- Auntie, your Instagram is blowing up!

I got, like, five clients here trying to book with you.

- OK, well, line them up, girl. Shit.

- Ooh, you are messy!

- And is?

- [laughs]

- Oh, my goodness. I got stuck in traffic.

I am sorry--Mama!

What are you doing? You didn't wait for me?

- Do it look like I did?

- Well, Denise, I see you stepping in

and making sure that the client never waits.

- Yeah, I just thought that I could--

- Oh, you know, you're just going to need

a lot more practice because those curls

simply aren't as tight as my mother needs them to be.

- Well, Charnelle, get your ass over here and fix me then.

- Yes, Mama. Move out the way!

- You know, I remember teaching Brandon how to drive.

- Well, teaching me how to drive

is a very nice way of saying forcing me

because you had a suspended license.

- Well, hell, that's better than how

I learned how to drive.

A crackhead named Ding Dong taught me for 8-Ball

and a box of Popeye's chicken.

Rest in peace, Ding Dong.

I don't know if you're in heaven or hell.

Let's have a moment of silence for Ding Dong.

- Them women at that salon got me fucked up!

- Stopping the recording.

- What are you talking about?

- I am talking about them bitches at the salon.

See, I got offered a chair today, and I was doing great,

but then they tried to embarrass me

in front of the owner and make it seem

like I didn't know what I was doing.

- Well, did you? - Of course, I did!

- She was doing amazing work, Mom.

- See, you're just being paranoid.

It's your first day.

Them ladies probably was just trying to help you.

- No, Pat.

They was nasty to me in front of clients.

- The fuck are you doing? - My ear's itching.

Them bitches is talking about me behind my back.

Look, I had a full day booked for tomorrow,

and everybody canceled out of the blue.

Them some sabotaging assholes.

- Every time you get a job, this is your way of quitting.

I ain't got time for that shit. I'm podcasting.

- But are you gonna quit, Auntie?

- I really don't want to.

This was the win I was waiting on, B.

And I realized that when I was in the flow today

that doing hair is my joy.

It's my healing like comedy is for you, Pat.

- Yeah, I mean, everyone deserves a win like that.

- Yeah, why don't you go down there

and tell them haters off, Ma? - Hey, that's fire.

Then you can tell that story on your show.

- Yes, Pat.

Come and then give your listeners some action

on the first episode.

- But they ain't gonna do shit in front of me.

I'm your sister.

- Well, they ain't gonna know you my sister.

This a covert operation.

- So we going Beautician Impossible.

OK, I'ma wear a disguise.

- Ma, you don't got to do all that.

They don't know who you are. - Oh, fuck that.

I know exactly who I'ma be.

But let me tell you this.

If I go down there, and they're not trying

to sabotage you, you gonna do my hair for free,

even when I'm in my damn casket.

- Agreed.

And if I die first, I'm gonna come back

just for you.

- I don't mean to interrupt, but here,

we do charge for certain amenities

at the salon.

I printed up a list of fees that you now owe.

- Hot comb fee, broom fee?

What the hell is a pin fee?

I'll bring my own damn pin then.

I ain't paying all this shit.

- Well, I mean, with all the clients you have today,

I'm sure you can manage.

- Problem is, they all cancelled.

- Aw, well, that's too bad.

Hello. How can I help you today?

- Uh, how you doing?

I'm Sandra Diggs, Taye Diggs' aunt.

- Oh, wow, really? - Uh, yeah.

And I know y'all think he a fancy actor and shit,

but when boy was a kid, we used to take him fishing,

and he would eat up all the bass at the goddamn lake.

That's why his top lip is really thin.

- So you know Taye Diggs?

You could put me in touch? - Armani, you're married.

- But if Taye Diggs got the dick to dig,

I can get divorced.

- I need my wig fixed.

- Well, let me take you to Armani, the lace legend.

- Pat, why are you dressed

like a down-low nigga going to Pride?

- I'm having fun. Let me be a spy.

- Well, James Bond ain't never went undercover

as Taye Diggs' auntie.

- Girls, stick to the goddamn script.

- OK, well, just don't be too obvious.

- I got this.

- I got you, boo.

- So what do y'all think about that bitch right there?

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, ah!

Brandon!

Janelle!

Junebug!

Denise!

[sighs] [groaning]

50 Negroes live here in this house.

There's no one home to get the door.

Oh.

- Hey, big T!

- Hey, Michelle.

What you doing here, here at my house?

- I came to check on you, Papi.

Last time I saw you, you were being carried

out of the bar on a stretcher.

- Um, Michelle, I don't know if--

- I brought you another one of my homemade meals.

I figured you could use some real food and a little TLC.

- Oh, wow. Um, thanks.

Yeah. - You gonna invite me in?

- Uh, you know what? To be honest, I don't know.

It's a lot of stuff going to--

- I only came because I was worried about you, Terry.

Where's Pat? - She's out.

This is why I don't think you need to be here.

- Are you alone?

Do you know how dangerous that is?

- I'm fine. Oh, you know what?

The meds that I got,

they've been working quite well.

They gave me the good stuff.

- So you're in agony, and you're all doped up,

and your wife left you here all alone?

Wow.

I mean, whatever happened to-- - What?

Go ahead. - Never mind.

Well, I was just gonna say, "Whatever happened

to in sickness and in health?" - Oh.

Yeah, hard to say.

Uh, well, thanks again for the grub, Michelle.

Got to go.

- Don't try and act tough, OK, Terry?

Let me heat up this meal for you,

and I'll get you some ice for your knee.

- Wait, wait, listen, Michelle. You know what?

I don't know if I need to do all that.

- Terry, Terry, it's fine!

I will be in and out. - Uh--

- OK? - Yeah.

- Sit down. - I'll sit down.

Yeah. - Here you go.

- [groaning]

- Ooh. - Ooh, yeah.

- All right.

- [sighs] Pat gonna kill me.

- So my friend told me to come up here

because y'all do a good job,

but they told me not to let a bitch

named Denise do my hair.

- Well, let me just say that you made the right choice

'cause Denise will have you out here

looking like who shot Raheem. - Mm.

- And you ain't hear it from me,

but she don't wash her hands when she goes to the bathroom.

And I'm talking about after she blow it up

like doo, doo, doo! - You all sound like children.

This is a professional business.

Can we stop it with the gossip? - No, no, no.

Look, your secret's good with me.

I love talking shit about people.

- Well, I definitely think

that her cosmetology license ain't real.

- Damn, she a mess.

Why y'all have somebody like that?

- Out of the goodness of my heart, Sandra.

She came in here practically begging for a job.

And now look at her station over there.

It's filthy, and she stole my Barbicide.

on her first day. - Forget the Barbicide.

She stole my client. - Mm-hmm.

- And them wigs she be wearing look like she blow up

balloon animals for a living.

- Well, why don't y'all just fire the hoe?

- Would you get rid of your golden goose?

- What you mean, golden goose?

- Don't do it.

- Well, she paid a whole month

of booth rent upfront,

plus the bullshit fees we keep putting at her.

Let's just say, I don't mind her sticking around at all.

- She's about as gullible as they come.

We even looked up her clients on Instagram,

sent them coupons so they could cancel with her...

[together] And book with us.

[laughter]

- OK! I done had enough!

Y'all ain't going to keep scamming her

out of my rent money. She pay me rent!

- Pat, why are you blowing your cover?

- Pat? I thought your name was Sandra.

- Well, you thought wrong, bitch!

I'm Denise sister.

- Wait, so Denise is also Taye Diggs' auntie?

- Ain't nobody Taye Diggs' aunt.

Y'all bitches stupid. - So this not his real number?

- No, this is a undercover convertible investigation

to see if you were scamming my sister,

and they were!

- What was they saying about me?

- Ooh, that light skin right there

with that little big head, she said she charged you

extra booth rent and shit.

And we ain't even gonna talk

about this vampire-looking bitch.

And she said you look like you blow up

kids' balloon like a clown,

and then they said your hands smelled like an asshole.

- I knew it!

Ooh, I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

Oh, Lord, I'm about to beat

the shit out of these guys.

- No, no, no, no.

You touch one hair on this wig,

and I will have your Black ass locked up faster

than R. Kelly at a Chuck E. Cheese.

[together] We ain't scared of jail, bitch!

- All right, all right. Enough.

Now, what the hell is going on in my salon today?

All you fools need to relax.

And Charnelle. - Hmm?

- I know what y'all been doing to this girl

ever since she's been here.

Now, if y'all don't want her, give her all her money back

and let her be on her way.

- Thank you, Ms. Pearl.

- You're welcome, child.

- Now I would think that Black women would want

to help another Black woman

trying to make her way in the world,

but I guess that I'm wrong.

- I don't like going against my mama,

but I ain't giving this trick a dime.

- Oh, OK. You sure?

You sure you're not giving me a dime?

- Yep. - OK.

How about now, bitch? - Oh, we don't take that shit!

- You gonna give me something now?

- OK, OK, OK. OK, fine, fine.

All right?

I will send you your money back.

Just don't come back.

- She don't have to come back

'cause I'ma let her set up a booth at my house

until she find her another spot.

- For real? - Yes, for real.

- Oh, thank you, Pat-Pat!

- Oh, my God. Can y'all just get out please?

And take your busted-ass weaves with you.

- Pat, please let me get her. - Get her ass.

- Oh, you're finally gonna give it back to me?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ms. Pearl, I'ma to leave this with you

for you and Justin, OK?

- Well, thank you, baby.

- Yes, you be sure to call me if you want

to get your hair done properly.

- I sure will.

And thank you from me and Justin.

- Yes, ma'am.

And for the record, I wipes my ass thoroughly, bitch.

- Mama.

- What? I look good.

- Did you see what she just did?

- Do I look like I give a fuck?

- Here you go. Oh!

How I miss taking care of a man.

I got to tell you.

Oh! Oh!

- The fuck is going on?

- Pat, Pat, what you doing home?

- She live here, nigga.

- This--this-- this is Michelle.

Pat, you remember, right? From my job.

- Hi, Pat. It's so nice to meet you.

- Yeah, I know who the fuck she is.

- So this is little Tupperware titty Michelle, huh?

- Oh. No, it's not like that at all.

- It's not like that at all.

- Well, what is it like then, Terry?

And why the fuck is she in our house?

- You had my back today, Pat-Pat.

You know I got yours.

Now you say tussle, we're going bustle.

- I should go.

- Yeah, you should.

- I'm gonna leave your food right here, Papi, OK?

- "Papi"?

Don't call my husband no damn "Papi."

- Hey. - Oh, you Papi now, nigga?

- Calm down. Calm down, baby.

- I know you tripping telling me to calm down.

And why the hell you keep taking up for her?

- Ooh, you took the words right out of my mouth!

- Listen, I just came here to check in on Terry,

and I thought I'd stop by and help out a little bit,

but then he told me that you left him

here all alone, so I-- - OK, Pat.

God knew not to let us fight earlier

so we could shut this shit down.

- So you told this woman that I left you here alone to suffer?

- No, baby, it ain't like that.

- I can just imagine what you guys are thinking.

- Can you imagine this ass whooping

I'm about to give you?

- Look, you don't have to talk to me

like I'm some common whore.

I came over to help your husband

because he needed help.

- Uh, I can help my husband my damn self.

- Well, be my guest. - Oh, girl, you gots to go.

Grab your little tulips before you get busted

in your two lips. Come on.

- [speaking Spanish]

- Nobody wanna hear all that shit, girl.

- Bitch!

- Get that bitch.

So what's going on, Terry?

- I did tell her that you left me home alone,

but I did not invite her over.

She came on her own, Pat. I promise you.

I did not invite Michelle. - Wow.

Y'all been talking a lot.

What you've been trying to do, write a book?

- I was halfway out of my mind

on them pills responding to those messages.

- Really?

Then why is all your punctuation correct

and everything spelt right?

And when the fuck you start using words

like "furthermore"?

- Hey, listen, baby, it wasn't nothing romantic, all right?

Furthermore, I don't want her like that.

- Well, how you want her, Terry?

In the kitchen, in the oven, in our bed?

- She's a friend, baby, all right?

She was there when I tore my meniscus.

- Wait a minute, she was with you

when you hurt yourself, and you say she worked for HR?

Why the hell they got a big titty lady like that

on the floor at a factory?

- Listen, Pat.

I didn't get hurt at work, OK?

Ah! I tore my knee at a bar.

- At a bar? At a bar with Michelle?

- Yeah, I invited you to come, but you

was too busy, remember? It's innocent, baby, OK?

- If it was so innocent, why you lie about it?

- Because I just mentioned that a woman made some food for me,

and Denise launched a full investigation

like I was cheating, baby.

The only reason I said it is just to avoid

confrontation and drama like-- - Bullshit!

You was guilty. That's why you lie.

- Pat, baby, please, just sit down and talk to me, OK?

- No, you sleeping on the fucking sofa.

- Baby, come on--

- And don't try to follow me either.

- I can't! God!

Mm!

Mm.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Hey!