Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Having tunnel vision is great,

unless you lookin' up an asshole,

'cause those lights that you think

is so bright and beautiful

is actually a piece of corn.

Now you done gone and got yourself in some shit,

because you weren't paying attention

to who was paying attention

to what you was supposed to be paying attention to.

Now, I know that shit sounded crazy,

but pay attention to this episode.

- Ah, "Full House," classic Black TV.

- They not Black.

- Well then, you explain three families

living under the same roof.

They Black.

- Ow.

- Yeah.

- Ow.

- [chuckles]

- [grunting]

[both laugh]

- I said God damn.

- Brandon, when'd you get home?

- Oh, hey, DJ Tanner and Michelle.

I'm over here, suffering in pain,

and y'all acting like y'all work in emergency room,

and I ain't got no insurance.

- What the problem, Project Boy?

- Yeah, you don't like stripping no more?

- Not in this recession.

Man, people don't even have "make it clap" money anymore.

I only came home with $50 tonight.

- Ah, don't sell yourself short.

You also came home with pole burn on your nuts

and lower self-esteem.

- [laughs] Oh, that's good.

- Yeah, yeah. - [mockingly] Pole burn.

Shut up.

I'm being serious, guys.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Stripping is a younger man's game,

and I think I slipped a disc in my lap dance tonight.

- Dang, you one body roll away from a displaced hip.

[both laughing]

- Those hips do lie.

- Okay, sorry.

Look, maybe it's time you try something different.

- Like what?

Look, this may be a shock to you guys,

but I don't have that many skills.

- [gasps sarcastically] No...

[both laugh]

- Hey, you know what?

There's a video gaming club down at school.

I heard they've been looking for a coach for a while now.

- Wait, for real?

So hold on. You mean to tell me

that I can get paid to play with kids?

I do that every day anyway.

- Please never say that out loud again.

- Yeah, I mean, you could come over tomorrow

and talk to Principal Horner.

- Oh, I'll be there fo' sho'.

Ain't no way I'm stripping my way into retirement.

That's can't be me.

- Good, 'cause retirement age for a stripper is 25.

You came in overstaying your welcome.

- Ooh, that was a good one. That was a good one.

- Ow.

- That's what you get. - Mm-hmm.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Man...

messin' around with Junebug the other day,

I think I done tore my knee up.

Now, every time it rain, my leg act up worse

than a white kid in public.

- You want me to slap it in the mouth?

Guess what. I just got booked

to headline downtown Indianapolis

at the Mercury Comedy Club.

And I'm sorry about your hoof, baby.

- Thank you, baby. The Merkin, huh?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Ooh, that place is nice.

Look at you, superstar.

- Yes, and I can't wait till they hear my new bit

about my granddaddy hanging us for stealing them food stamps.

Baby, they about to laugh till they panty liner leaks.

- [laughs] I'm proud of you, Pat.

Oh! [grunts]

Ooh, this leg. Baby, can you come hit me up

with some of this Icy Hot, please?

- Which wig for your show, Pat-Pat?

- I'm not wearing them bright-ass wigs, Denise.

I'm trying to do stand-up, not land a plane.

- She didn't mean that, Ruby.

I think you need something bright

for your first headlining date.

I'm thinking the purple.

- I'm not walking 'round here

looking like Barney done shitted in my head.

- Can you just come upstairs

so that we can look at more options?

- Ones that don't look like a Muppet committed suicide.

- Hey, Pat.

- What you want, Old Yeller? Damn.

- I've been trying to tell you

that I think there's something wrong with my leg.

- Oh, for real? - Yeah.

- Hold on, baby.

Now, what I'ma need you to do is take two of these.

Which one of your legs hurt? - The right.

- Okay, and I'ma need you to walk

on your left foot, okay? [kisses]

'Cause your right one ain't no good, baby.

- Hey, hey, hey, these for menstrual cramps!

- Morning,

Ah, you seem to be getting settled

into your new job nicely. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a lot of stuff planned for today.

First, I'ma teach 'em how to do cheat codes.

- I don't really care, Brandon.

- Well, I just wanted to say thank you for the opportunity,

and I promise I won't let you down.

- Ah, well, we're, uh--

[shaking] We're--

happy to see you.

You know, I thought I was gonna have to shut down

this whole program after Mr. Galvin got fired.

- Oh, why'd they let him go?

- Oh, he was running a dog-fighting ring

out on the football field after-hours.

One of the dogs bit him. He called it an ugly mutt.

Someone got offended-- you know this cancel culture.

- Mm.

Listen, you don't have to worry about me, I promise you.

I'm just here to play with kids.

- Maybe we could workshop a better way of saying that.

- Oh, is it "playing"-- - Yeah.

Oh, class! Let me introduce you

to Mr. Brandon, your new coach.

How 'bout we give him a warm welcome?

[light applause]

Welcome was about as warm as my ex-wife.

- Well, hey, everybody.

I'm really excited to be here today.

You know, being your guys' coach

kind of reminds me of Denzel, you know?

From "Remember the Titans"?

[as Denzel] "I don't care if you like each other or not,

"but you will respect each other, and maybe, I don't know,

maybe we can play this game like men, huh?"

- Cute impression,

but are you even qualified to lead this team?

- I don't know, you tell me.

I mean, I have been gaming since the genesis of Sega.

- Genesis of Sega, Sega Genesis--we get it.

You're very clever.

- Clever enough to memorize

the original Konami "Contra" code by heart.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,

B, A, select, start.

Boom! That's what I'm talking about!

Now, I don't know about you,

but everybody about to live forever.

- Big whoop, you guys looked so stupid,

dancing like that.

- Did I also mention that I am ranked third

in the state for "Legends of War"?

all: Ooh... - Silence!

- That game's super-hard. Stephen's our best player,

and he's only ranked 234th.

- I'm actually 233rd now.

Thank you, Jasmine.

And I don't believe you.

I challenge you to a game-off. - [gasps]

Not a game-off. - Yes, a game-off.

If Coach...Brandon, was it?

Proves his mettle and emerges victorious

against me, then, and only then,

will Mr. Brandon earn the title of coach.

- [scoffs] You trying to get your bold booty beat, huh?

Well, let me tell you something, Stefan.

- It's Stephen.

- Always remember this--

[as Denzel] "King Kong ain't got nothing on me."

Let's do this, young man, a'ight?

- Well, well, well,

just the man I've been looking for.

- Uh-oh, don't nobody want the HR rep looking for 'em.

- It's nothing bad. I just wanted to give you

your paperwork for your promotion.

- Oh, okay, I was scared for a second.

- Yeah, I saw foreclosure and food stamps

flash behind your eyes. - [laughs]

- How you been?

Oh, did you ever end up watching that "30 for 30"

on Dominique Wilkins I told you about?

- Hell yeah.

That was really dope, and you know I love Dominique, right?

- Yes. - Hey, hey, look,

even though he played basketball,

watching him inspired me to play high school football.

- Ooh. - And back-to-back concussions

inspired me to quit. - Yeah, it's a violent game.

- [blows lips] - I'm glad you got out

with your looks. - [mutters indistinctly]

[both chuckling]

Ah.

- Oh, oh, oh--fast food again?

- I know--look, it's quick and it's easy, and--

- It's terrible for your heart!

- Delicious. - Why don't you let me

cook you up one of my homemade keto-friendly lunches?

- Um-- - I keep an extra one

right here in the fridge just in case I forget to pack mine,

and you don't even need to heat that up.

- Hmm...

well, it better be good.

You just threw away a 4 for 4.

- [laughs] Well, 4 for 4

turn into funeral for funeral.

- [grunts] Yeah.

- Boy, you really are falling apart, aren't you?

- I know. [groans]

You know, I just feel like my knee gets worse by the day.

- Well, you should take the day off

and have your wife drive you to the doctor.

- Eh, she got a million things to do as it is.

- She too busy for her crippled husband?

- Well, in her defense,

she told me to walk on the other leg.

- Great advice. - Yeah.

- Sounds like she works at Urgent Care.

- [laughs]

- Hey, can I watch you take the first bite?

Would that be weird? - Not at all.

I mean, I like to watch people enjoy my cooking.

- [gasps] Terry, you cook? - Yeah.

- Look at you messing around with gender roles.

- Yeah, well, it's more like a necessity, right?

'Cause my wife don't cook, and when she does,

you don't want it.

- Mm.

Well, try mine.

- Oh, my God. - Mm-hmm.

- This is keto?

- Mm, keep eating that, and you're gonna fit into a Speedo.

[both laugh]

- [sighs] - [as Denzel] Hey, Stephen,

who's your daddy, huh? [chuckles]

Good job, Jasmine. - How did you just beat me?

- Listen, no offense, but, uh,

you suck.

Okay? Don't worry about it.

After a couple of weeks of coaching from me,

you'll be number four in the state.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Thank you, Coach. - No problem.

- What's going on here? - Oh, hey.

I'm the new gaming coach, Brandon.

- Danielle, Stephen's mom. - Okay.

- Don't I know you from somewhere?

- Um, I don't think so. - Are you sure?

You look real familiar.

[gasps] [whispers] Wait a minute.

Project Boy?

- Who is Project Boy?

both: No one!

- Honey, go wait in the car. I need to talk to your coach.

I'd recognize that bubble butt anywhere.

- Excuse me?

And also, thank you.

- I've seen you shaking it down at the strip club,

and I cannot believe the school would hire

a dirty dancer to coach kids!

- Wait a minute. I remember you now.

A $2 tip for a 20 minute lap dance?

Seriously?

And I gave you all my best moves too--

the helicopter, the Tootsie Roll shuffle,

the banana split. - [whispers] Quiet down!

Get up!

You just wait until I tell Principal Horner

who you really are. - Wait!

No, no, no, no. Please, please.

L--l-look, that's in my past, all right?

I'm not a stripper anymore.

Plus, you down there at Sisqo's so much,

they named a drink after you.

- I'm very proud of the Milf-erina.

- So how you gonna judge me?

- Easily! You shouldn't be around kids.

There should be a separation of sex and state.

- You sure about that?

'Cause the state always screws me

and then wanna call it taxes. [laughs]

I can't get nothing for that?

[blows lips]

- I hate all these ugly-ass outfits.

- All these outfits yours.

Don't blame me for your shitty taste.

- Why you walkin' in here like you got a mouse

in your pocket that suck dick?

- I just really love my new job.

Those kids at the school are half my age,

and they're already smarter than me.

Can you believe that?

both: Yeah.

- That reminds me, Brandon,

you are the technology expert.

Should I introduce some NFTs into my portfolio?

- Denise, what is NFTs?

- Negro Financial Token.

- Brandon, someone exposed your OnlyFans.

- What? - It's streaming live

right now on Twitch. - Let me see.

Oh, my God! This is bad!

- Brandon, you got a OnlyFans?

- You making jack off videos in my basement, nigga?

- No, it's not like that.

I just do my impressions in my G-string.

- Honestly, that's more embarrassing.

- Your real daddy used to do impressions of a good man.

- Now, what kind of sad-ass hater

would expose your wack-ass OnlyFans?

- I bet it was this kid's mom named Danielle.

She said that a stripper shouldn't be working with kids.

Plus, she flat-out said that she was gonna report it.

- Yeah, it might've been her, bud.

- And how would she know you had a OnlyFans

if she wasn't rubbing her coochie nipple to your content?

- She was a regular down at Sisqo's.

- Dang, that's pretty hypocritical

that she would expose you as a stripper,

when she's a frequent patron at the club.

- Yeah, where this lady get off?

- Sounds like Brandon's lap.

[phone rings]

- Principal Horner, hey, I was just about to call--

[sighs]

Sir, you can't do that. Come on.

I was really connecting with those kids though.

[sighs] No, but it--

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Yeah, I understand.

Thank you for the opportunity.

- He just fired the hell out of you.

- Man, I really loved that job too.

- Leave it to a hatin'-ass ho to stop your bag.

- Like, is a stripper the only thing people gonna see me as?

That's not me anymore. - Yeah, we know--

just 48 hours ago.

- Look, B, people are always

gonna judge you because of your past.

Hell, I ain't committed a crime in years,

and I still get denied jobs because I'm a felon.

- Denise, you don't work.

- I know, but my grease do. [laughs]

- No, it don't.

- That's just life, son.

- Yeah, people are always gonna judge you by what they see

as the worst thing you've done. - Mm.

Mm-mm, exactly, 'cause I mean,

I burn down one ex-boyfriend's house,

and then all of a sudden, I'm an arsonist.

I mean, the shit's unreasonable.

- I mean, personally, I agree with Lisa "Right-Eye" Ho-pez.

Don't let your past define who you are.

Stand up and be more than what people choose to see you as.

What? - Now, that was some

real inspirational Oprah-type shit, Pat-Pat.

- Yeah, Ma, where'd you get that from?

- Oprah.

- You know what, Mom? You're right.

My past doesn't define me.

I'ma march up to that school

and give them a piece of my mind.

- Uh, don't give 'em a piece of your mind,

'cause you need every bit of it.

- [chuckles mockingly]

- You realized it's 10:00 p.m.?

- Every bit of it.

- I still think the blue sneakers

with the purple hair's gonna snatch the crowd's edges.

- Denise, can I get more Mary J. Blige

and less Sour Patch Kids?

What are you eating? - Well, he ain't gagging,

so it ain't the spaghetti you made.

- Coworker of mine made me a keto-friendly meal to try.

- Keto? What the hell is keto,

and why is it so damn friendly?

- [chuckles] It's a diet, baby--

low-carb, high in protein.

She said it's supposed to burn fat fast.

- No carbs? So no bread?

- Bread is carbs, so... - No rice?

- No rice. - How 'bout ice cream?

- Nope. - Wait a minute.

So you take everything off the table?

Bitch can't even have no Skittles?

- Mm-mm. - Why is some random woman

making you meals anyway?

- Um, actually, she made it for herself

and just gave it to me.

- Did she now?

- Damn, this shit good.

Next time, tell her to make enough for both of us.

- That's a good point, Pat.

Why she ain't make a meal for your wife, Terry?

Or your kids, or your sister-in-law

who also loves free food?

- My sister-in-law likes free everything.

Plus, I don't know,

it's just something nice for me,

not a soup kitchen.

- Now, who is she again?

Did we meet her at karaoke?

- Michelle works in HR,

and no, she wasn't there.

- So Michelle-- - Damn it, Denise!

- Who we, for some reason, were not introduced to

at the office-wide karaoke clambake,

made some food for herself and then gave it to you

in her good Tupperware?

- Yes, Denise.

I need to take trash to the street.

- I bet you do.

Don't you eat this temptress' food!

- What you talkin' 'bout?

- I'm talking about this ho-bag, Michelle,

making meals for your man.

- Girl, you sound crazy.

- Do I? Because I was Michelle.

I know what it means to make a meal for a married man.

First, they start off eating your meatloaf,

next, they got a mouthful of your coochie croissant.

- He said she made it for herself,

and she gave him some.

- Okay, oregano,

tarragon...

Spanish paprika.

Okay, Pat, you don't make nothing this tasty

for yourself and then give it to somebody else

in your good Tupperware.

Naw, Pat, that bitch is in love with Terry.

- First off, why you not cookin' for us

if you know so much about Spanish fucking paprika?

And second off, I trust my man.

He said she was a coworker,

so she's a co-worker!

- More like a cock-worker.

- You just mad 'cause you ain't got no cock to rock.

- She's gon' be rockin' your husband's cock

cookin' this good.

Y'all gon' be sharing cock.

You's a share-cock-a.

You get a cock, you get a cock, you get a cock.

- I can't believe I just did that!

- That's what I'm talking about, man.

See? You got it.

- [sighs] - See?

He's still in here.

I thought you said he was fired.

- He was. Brandon, do not make me

call security. - Principal Horner,

can I talk to you for a minute?

I got something to get off my chest.

- Hopefully not your baby oil.

- You know what? You can make all the jokes

you want about my content.

But you don't get to define who I am or what I'll be.

Principal Horner, imagine if you were defined

by the things you did to make money.

It's no different from me.

And another thing-- I am way more than my flat abs

and my thick, supple ass, a'ight?

I'm somebody's brother.

I'm a son, and I don't care what anybody has to say.

I know I'm a damn good teacher,

and not one of y'all gon' be able to take that away from me.

- You were never a teacher, my friend.

- You were a coach, at best.

- All right, coach, whatever.

My point is I'm not my mistakes,

and I'm way more than what Danielle over here

thinks of me.

- We don't care if you do Eddie Murphy impressions online

in your underwear for money.

- You get paid for that?

- Coach Brandon,

you were the best coach we've ever had.

- Thank you, Jasmine,

and it was a honor teaching all of you guys.

- Okay, pretty speech. You can leave now.

I will not have my son around a common whore.

- Oh, shut up, Mom.

- What did you just say?

- I said "shut up."

- Ooh, I felt my momma's slap on that one.

- She made me set up a Twitch stream to expose you.

I'm sorry. - No, no, no.

I'm sorry, because what the fuck?

- Oh, now you're gonna fucking cuss around them?

- Oh, people, please, watch the language.

- My mom is a hypocrite,

and it doesn't just stop at strip clubs.

She's addicted to porn.

- [laughing] Holy shit.

- She has no right to judge you for your past

when she used half my college fund

on subscriptions to PornHub and Tasty Blacks.

- I'm recovering.

- Tasty Blacks, you said?

- I'm sorry again, Coach Brandon.

You really are the best. - Thanks, Steve.

- By the way the job is still yours.

But you are gonna have to show me that helicopter move.

- [as Eddie Murphy's Buckwheat] Otay.

- Hey, Michelle. - Hey.

- Hey, that meal you made was off the chain.

- Thank you. - I got your Tupperware.

- Oh, and I have another lunch for you today.

- Oh, now, Michelle, you really didn't have to.

- I know I didn't have to. I wanted to.

I lost my husband last year-- massive heart attack.

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, so I'm really committed

to teaching the people I care about how to eat healthier.

- Well--well, I appreciate you, and I had no idea

about your husband. My condolences.

- Thank you.

Yeah, it'll be a year next week.

Somehow, it seems longer.

My whole life was about taking care of him.

Whether it sounds feminist to say it or not,

screw it.

I loved taking care of that man.

- I'm sorry, I--

- Anyway, hey! I am putting together

a happy hour for everyone after work.

You wanna go? - Um, I don't know.

Let me check-- - You could be my date.

- Well, you know, maybe I'll invite Pat.

You know, she loves free hors d'oeuvres,

appetizers and stuff like that.

You know what?

This is a good chance that you and her

can get to know each other.

- Oh. [chuckles]

[phone chimes] Sure.

- Yeah. - That'll be something.

- Yeah.

- Ooh, hang on. I have to see

if a meeting is still happening.

- Okay.

[line rings]

- Hey, Terry, what you doing calling me at work?

Let me guess-- one of them whites

done went postal on y'all up there?

I told you drop, duck, and roll.

- [laughs]

No, no, not yet. I'm just calling to see

if you wanted to go to happy hour tonight?

You know, a few of the coworkers are going,

and I know that everybody in the office

would love to see what you look like without fillers.

- Ooh, you know she got a show tonight.

- Denise?

Pat, you got me on speaker again, girl?

- Yeah, baby, sitting right here on my titty.

Shut the fuck up, Denise.

Look, baby, go on without me.

You need to hit all these work events up,

and you know, get in tight with Max

ever since you got that promotion.

- Fuck Max. - Uh--uh, have fun.

I love you. - I love--

- Sorry about that.

Some guy on 12 told a woman she looked like a hot donut,

and he wanted to glaze her.

[sighs] So I have to, yet again,

schedule another sexual harassment course

for the plant. - Damn.

That's the third one this year. Hey, but look, you know,

I'm gon' see you after work, yup.

- Oh, great! See you there.

- Okay. - Uh, is Pat coming?

- No, no, she can't make it.

- Aw, damn.

I was looking forward to meeting her.

[bell buzzes]

Well, time to get back at it.

I'll see you tonight. - Yup, see you.

- See ya.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Terry! You made it!

I thought you were gonna stand me up.

- I had to go home and change.

- Oh, I can see that.

New shirt? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even though I'm not on the floor right now,

I still go home smelling like oil.

- [laughs] - Right, so I thought

I'd go home and bust open a fresh one.

- Mm. - It's crazy

that you noticed that.

- Oh, I notice things.

Ralph Lauren? - George Foreman.

- Oh. - Ha--

[blows lips] Where is everybody?

I thought the whole plant was gonna be here.

- [sighs] I guess everybody got busy.

- Mm. - But don't worry.

We'll still have fun, just the two of us.

Come. Sit.

I don't want you to stand on that bad leg of yours.

- All right. You know, I gotta call Max

first to see where he is.

It's not like him to miss a happy hour.

- Well, before you do that...

open this.

- [chuckles] What is it? - Well, just open it and see.

- Eh, all right.

[sighs]

Holy...

theDominique Wilkins signed this?

[high-pitched] This is incredible!

- You like it? I saw it up for auction

one night, and I stayed up late till I won it!

- This is really dope.

Uh, thank you.

- Anything for you, Terry.

- Um,

you know what? I--

I can't accept this.

- Wh--why not?

- Because Pat'd kill me.

- Pat doesn't let you receive gifts

from your friends?

- Not friends that look like you.

- Look like me? What are you talking about?

- Uh, you know what? I gotta--I gotta go.

- Terry, wait, you just got here.

- Uh, I just remembered

that I left a cap off the toothpaste at home.

- Terry...

Stay. - Oh!

[grunts] - Oh, my God!

Terry, are you okay? - Ah, oh, no, no, my leg.

- Oh, my-- - [screams]

- Oh! Oh.

- [grunting] - Don't worry, I got you, papi.

- Y'all stop torturing your daddy.

- Yeah, 'cause his ancient body

breakin' down and dyin' and shit is torture enough.

- Shut up, Denise, over there lookin' like

a cupcake from "Major Payne."

Ain't nobody dying.

I just tore my meniscus, all right?

The doctor said that I'll be up

walking around by the end of the month.

- Hmm. - Hmm, how bad is your pain,

baby? - [sighs]

Baby, it was about a nine,

but then doc gave me these bad boys.

- Ooh, shit, T. This that good shit.

- Mm-hmm. - You gotta be careful

with these. I tell you one thing.

They bring back some memories for me--

some foggy-ass memories-- - Hey!

You not 'bout to steal my purse, bitch.

Let this shit go!

- Pat, Pat, Pat-- - You better let this shit--

fuck it!

- So how did you say this happened again, baby?

- Oh, hey, baby, it wasn't nothing.

I just slipped on some oil at work.

- Ugh, these unsafe working conditions

at these corporate factories are insane!

You know, I was reading an article once--

- [clapping] No one cares.

- Guess who made the top 500 on OnlyFans.

- [clapping] No one cares.

- Come through, top 500.

- How'd you pull that off?

- Some of the kids from the gaming community

felt bad about Stephen's mom embarrassing me,

so they had all their moms buy ads on my OnlyFans,

and I already made $1,000.

- Damn, nephew, I'm proud of you!

- [sighs] Somebody cares.

- Pat, can I borrow a hunny?

- Nobody cares.

- What?

[phone vibrating]

- Who the hell is texting you at this time of night?

Michelle? [scoffs]

What the fuck?

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman with family and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪