Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Listen, y'all, I've been a mom for a long time,

since elementary school.

And when you been a mom a long time,

one of the things you learn is don't have kids

in elementary school.

Another thing I've learned, that there will be kids

that you want to thank God for,

then there's kids that make you want to ask God

for a goddamn receipt.

But in reality, we all know, as parents,

we can't label these kids as good or bad,

'cause in the end, we all know,

all children is dumb-ass idiots.

- Let me guess, TreyQ'uan?

- Am I smiling that hard?

- I could see all 32 teeth.

Crazy, my mom forces me into one little conversion camp,

and by the time I get out, you're in love.

- I'm not in love.

It is a very strong like.

And you never did tell me how that camp was.

- Delightfully traumatizing.

- [laughs]

- Don't I look like a refund?

[cell phone beeping]

What?

- He wants me to send him a picture.

Do you mind?

- I got you. - Cool.

All right. [clears throat]

[camera clicks]

Thanks.

[cell phone beeping]

Oh, he's asking me to send a pic for his eyes only.

- A nude.

Unoriginal, but definitely fits his horny,

cis male vibe he's got going on.

Has he sent you a pic of his...

eggplant?

- Yeah, it was an eggplant, but, uh,

I don't think it was from his garden.

- Interesting. How do you know?

- He forgot to cut out the Brazzers logo.

Should I send one? - Up to you.

You're a feminist. You own your sexuality.

- Yeah.

- It's not like it's the first one you've sent.

Oh, my God, it's the first one you've ever sent.

[cell phone beeping]

Well, what's he saying now?

- You don't have to if you don't want to.

I just like having things that are only between us.

It makes me feel connected to you

on a whole 'nother level.

- Wow. does he really think that line is gonna work?

- Oh, my God. That is so sweet!

- Oh, God. It worked.

- How are you with, uh, nipple lighting?

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Oh, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, wait up, now.

Denise, all I'm asking is what's going on

between you and Max?

I need him happy now.

He's my boss, remember?

- OK, well, good luck with that,

because I'm done with his ass.

- You're what?

I thought you was having fun with him.

- I was. That's the problem.

The man is too much fun.

He drink like a fish. No, bump that.

That nigga drinks like Shamu.

- Hey, look, sis, I ain't trying

to tell you what to do, but-- - Then don't.

Problem solved.

- My promotion is on the line here.

Right now, the only thing that I really look forward to

at work is pizza Fridays.

That's where we have pizza on Fridays.

- Oh, really? 'Cause I thought that's when

y'all had bagels on Tuesdays.

- I need that promotion, Denise.

All right?

I got to get off that assembly floor

and do something that actually makes me feel

like I'm accomplished.

- Well, what's that got to do with me?

I don't work down there.

- You don't work anywhere, Denise.

That's the problem.

It's not like you're exactly chipping in around here.

- OK, I am not going to keep telling y'all

that I am an up-and-coming "entrepre-Negro."

Look, T, being around Max and all his boozing,

it just ain't good for me.

Hell, kissing that man counts as a relapse.

I can feel myself wanting to drink when I'm with him.

- All right, sis, that's different.

I hear you. - Yeah.

I need to date somebody safe, like Lee was,

not Lil' Boozy Vert.

- Yeah, you gonna break up

with Max smoothly though, right?

- As smooth as a whiskey shot.

Ha, ha.

We only went out a few times.

I don't owe him no breakup.

I'm just gonna text him.

- You cannot ghost my boss.

- OK, so what you want me to do?

See him again and relapse, T?

Huh? That's what you want?

I am ghosting him.

And if you don't like it,

you can break up with him for me.

And I'll just be around here,

floating through walls and shit.

Boo, bitch. - Ahh!

- Guess what, y'all?

- OK, let me think. You finally got--

- People are still going crazy for that video.

And my agent called and said the phones are blowing up,

and that I can finally get in A-Rooms.

And guess what else? - OK.

- All the radio stations are calling,

and they want to book me for an interview.

And I ain't even gotta leave the damn house.

I could do it right here from my phone.

- You know, when you say "guess,"

you're supposed to let people guess.

- Pat, can you help us out with something, please?

- Look, y'all need to work this shit out amongst yourself.

I don't have time to be dealing with poor-people shit.

I'm about to be famous.

And I'm about to go upstairs and post this reel

and steal all of Generation X, Y, Z money, baby.

Bye-bye.

- So you really gonna do Max like that?

All right, fine.

I'll go in and to talk to him myself, OK?

One of us got to step up.

- Well, good.

You got some step kids, so you know about steps.

And you gonna need these.

Yeah, my sex is just that good.

- Yeah.

You just can't ghost him.

- I will do what the fuck I want, nigga.

- OK, I am a modern, independent woman

who loves herself fiercely, and I'm sending

my first nude in five, four--

BOTH: Three, two--

[cell phone beeping] - Oh, wait. Hold on.

My mom's texting me.

- Hey, what you-- - Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

- What are you guys doing in here?

I mean, not guys.

What are you two "they/themers" doing?

Is that OK?

- I have some notes, but I appreciate the effort.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- OK, Destiny's Child, what's up with you?

- I was sending a picture to TreyQ'uan,

and no thanks to you, I sent it to Mom.

- Oh, my God. - Relax.

It's just a picture, my theys.

- It's not just a picture.

It's, uh, a picture, picture.

- [laughing]

Oh, you're gonna--[laughing]

[exhales]

No wonder the door was closed.

Y'all in here being nasty.

- Damn. - [laughs]

- Mom's going to kill me.

- Yeah, she is.

- She might not.

She's got her text on read, right?

- Doesn't everyone over 40?

- It doesn't say read yet.

- Oh, thank God.

Look, Junebug, we have to get Mom's phone.

- We? Uh-uh.

My pronouns are "he."

This sounds like a you problem.

But I mean, for a small price, I could make it a "we" problem.

- Price? Are you serious?

How much?

- Yeah, I don't think I want to do homework

for the rest of the year.

- You shouldn't be charging your sister to help her.

- And she shouldn't be sending some random boy

her chesticles, yet here we are.

- I'm going to die. [muffled scream]

- Yeah, you're going to die.

[laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- All right.

All right.

[clears throat]

- Oh, I'm sorry. My bad.

I was expecting Denise. - Come on in, Max.

[chuckling]

- What's up, T?

Where is she?

- Uh, she's not going to be coming down.

- Oh, why not?

She got the shits or something?

- No. Although, she can be shitty.

[chuckles] Um, look, Max.

Before I tell you what I really want to tell you, brother,

I just want you to know that you are great, really.

Any girl would be lucky to have you.

- I know.

- And, uh, that being said,

I don't think she's the girl for you.

- No, she is.

You know, Denise is my person.

Yeah, no. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

- Ooh, you're not going to make this easy, are you?

- Wait, are you--

you're not saying--

are you saying-- hold on, hold on.

I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying.

- Well, look, look, look, brother.

You don't want Denise. She's a wild horse.

- [stammers] Has she been ridden a lot?

- Huh?

- I--do I need to hit the clinic?

- No. No, no, no.

Not at all.

Um--uh--uh, I mean that, uh--that--

that she's difficult to tame.

- Oh, well, that's what I love about her.

[laughs]

- Guess I got to be blunt.

- Oh, you got a blunt?

- No. L-look, Max.

Uh, Denise isn't interested

because when y'all went out the other night,

she said you drank way too much.

- Mm.

Oh.

Did I do that?

- No, but the--the-- the normal amount.

You know, five, six drinks with dinner,

you're good, you know?

It's just that Denise has a lot of demons in her past.

And, uh, I don't think that she needs

to be around all of that.

- Yeah, well, I understand.

You know what I'm saying?

I guess I'll just have to, uh, quit drinking now, right?

You know?

Some people, they just like to put it in their ass.

- Oh.

Uh, I don't know if you have to do all of that, brother.

[chuckles] - Terry.

- Huh? - I'm fucking with you.

- [laughs] See?

- You think I'd quit drinking for a woman?

[laughs] Shit.

In fact, I'll take a drink right now if you've got one.

- Well, I think I got a little something.

- There you go. All right. - Yeah.

- And a good chaser. - OK. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. [clears throat]

Look, Max. I am, uh,

really sorry that things didn't

work out with Denise, you know?

If there's anything that I can do, brother, I can--

- Eh, stop stressing, Terry.

That promotion has been yours from the jump.

You'll get your offer this week.

- What? Are you serious?

God is good. - Mm-hmm.

Is he not? - Yes, he is.

Amen.

And all that, and then tomorrow is pizza Friday.

- You're upper management now,

so you can't participate in pizza Fridays.

Yeah, that's for the lower-level employees

I don't feel like paying what they deserve.

- God giveth. Then he taketh away.

- Mm.

Just like Denise.

Oh, she gave it all.

Ooh, I miss that little double-spin thing

she would do.

You got-- you got a tissue, man?

- Yeah, man.

- Mm. Thank you.

I can't just go upstairs for a little bit, man?

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm. - Go see if she [inaudible]?

- Stay right here.

- I can't go upstairs? - No, no, no.

You don't want to go up there.

You ain't ready for all that up there.

There's a lot going on up there, brother.

You just want to stay-- - Give me 10 minutes.

- No, no.

- Think, think, think.

Oh! I got it.

Just keep him distracted.

Ask him something that really throws him off guard.

- Got it.

- Are y'all just going to stand there looking

like "Children of the Corn"?

- Junebug has something he wants to ask you.

- Yeah, so what does it mean when you wake up all wet,

but you didn't pee yourself?

- Well, I guess, I mean, uh-- ha!

How do I say this? Uh...

[chuckles]

[shower running]

- Terry, that's you?

- Uh, yeah, it's me, baby.

- Help me use the light on my phone to look

at this bump on my ass.

- [clears throat]

- Yeah, I got to go. - Oh, thank God.

Wait!

It's sticky sweat, son.

- You got it? Perfect.

All you have to do now is delete the photo,

and you're good, right? - Yep.

Oh, I don't know the code.

- Try my birthday. - Please.

Don't flatter yourself.

- Just try it.

- All right.

[laughs] Nope.

OK. It's not my birthday, either.

I had that coming.

- Ooh, try the hood siblings' birthdays.

- Yeah. - Hm.

- OK.

It's not Ashley's.

It's not Brandon's, either.

- Hm. OK.

Uh, try 06-14-93.

- What's that?

- That's the day she got out of jail for fraud.

- How could I forget?

That's a big day for any mother.

No. Dang it.

Now I'm locked out! Shoot.

Now I'm going to have to pay some freak

living in his mama's basement.

- Or, I mean, you could pay our freak

living in his mama's basement.

- You're right.

And I always do support local.

- Hey, Ms. Pat.

- Hey, Jesse.

Damn, you're rocking that blonde hair.

Your mama still being a huge bitch?

- Yeah, yeah.

A lot less lately.

- Good. Every little bit helps,

especially when you're being a huge bitch.

Losing my cell phone is more stressful

than losing a damn kid.

- I--I can help you find it.

Uh, did you check your bra?

- Oh, I got some gum from the shower.

Want a piece?

It ain't wet.

Black titties in your mouth.

- So let me get this straight.

You sent your little teenyboppers

to Mom's phone by accident.

First of all, don't you ever do that again.

You know you're better than that.

- Says a stripper with an OnlyFans.

- I get paid for what I do.

You embarrassed yourself for free.

Second, you want me to help you delete it from Mom's phone

without her knowing before she tries to kill you?

- You got it.

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Well, this is an easy fix, guys.

Mom has facial recognition on her phone, right?

Janelle, have you tried to unlock Mom's phone

with her face?

Oh, I forgot the without-her-knowing part.

- You literally just went over this with us.

- OK. Did you guys try any passcodes?

- Yeah, we even tried the day she got out of jail.

- OK. What about for fraud?

- Mm-hmm. - Drug dealing?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- The time she beat up my Little League coach?

- All of them. - Dang.

Wait, do you guys have photos of Mom on your phone?

- Oh, you're going to try to unlock Mom's phone

with a picture of her face.

- No, that'd be ridiculous.

I'm going to make a 3D printout of Mom's head

with her face on it, and that should unlock Mom's phone.

- OK, Brandon.

What else do you do down here?

- What don't I do is the question.

[chuckles]

- That's a weird thing to say.

- Yeah.

I can for sure see myself talking about this incident

with a doctor later in life.

- Oh, and I can do the voice, too.

[Pat voice] Y'all sit your ass down somewhere, little nigga.

- What? It sounds just like her.

- All right. It's free.

But it's going to take about two weeks.

- What?

I'll be grounded till I'm grown.

- Wait, there's something else I could try.

Let me see the phone.

Yeah, so I'll just [mumbling].

Mm-hmm. All right.

- [shouts]

- There. Deleted.

- Damn.

Now we're all going to be in trouble, Brandon.

- Ladies, I've got some good news and some better news.

Denise, I broke up with Max for you.

- Oh, thank God. - Mm-hmm.

And I got the promotion!

[laughs] - We're rich, bitch.

Ahh! How much was the raise?

- 6%. Ey, ey.

- Get your broke ass away from me.

I can't be dancing with nobody for less than 15%.

- [laughs]

- I'm just kidding.

I'm proud of you, baby.

- Yeah, me, too, T. You deserve it.

- Hey, you know what?

You deserve to have some love, too, Denise,

which is why I got a little surprise for you.

Now, I heard what you said the other day,

so I went on ahead and did you a solid.

- Oh, my God.

You got me the gold hoop earrings I've been wanting.

- Uh-uh. Nah, nah, nah.

- No? The Manolos.

[gasps] You did not get the Manolos!

- No, no, I didn't. - You didn't?

OK. Well, which one is it?

- [laughs] - What did you get?

What the fuck is Lee doing here?

[whimpers] - Denise.

God, it's so good to see you.

Better than good. You look fantastic.

- Yeah, you, too.

Do you mind if I take a minute

to talk to my brother-in-law real quick?

- Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'll just wait here by myself

with these beautiful flowers.

Whole Foods.

- Pat, get control of your man,

'cause he out here trying to jam up my life.

- What you done did now, Terry?

- Nothing, baby. I did what she wanted.

I ran into Lee at Janelle's debate practice,

told him Denise wanted him back, and invited him over.

- Lee?

She dumped him three months ago.

Why would you bring him back in this house?

- Thank you, Pat. - Denise, you literally said

you can't date Max, 'cause you want somebody safe like Lee.

So I got you Lee.

- I didn't say I wanted Lee.

I said I want somebody like Lee.

- Well, who the hell more like Lee than Lee?

- Just because she wants somebody safe like Lee

don't mean she want Lee.

The last person she want is Lee!

- What?

- She meant she wanted someone safe like the man.

She didn't literally want the damn man.

- She don't? BOTH: No!

- Oh.

Now what are we going to do?

- Look like you going to have to fuck Lee.

- Terry?

- You going to break the news to him for me.

- I ain't breaking up with two men for you in a week.

- Well, you know what? Just bring him here.

I'll do it myself.

- Hello? Denise? Is everything OK?

- Yeah, we're fine.

I'm just doing my taxes real quick.

- Denise, it's November.

- Yeah, that's why I'm doing them quick.

The shits is late.

- We've been through a lot, you know.

I mean, I took you in when your sister threw you out.

- The nerve of that motherfucker

to bring up old shit.

- All I'm asking for is one dinner.

- OK. Well, now, a bitch is hungry.

- Make sure he pick a nice location before you commit.

- Where are we going?

- I made reservations at Pierre Monique's.

- Please.

Oh, Mom.

You found your phone? - Hell, no.

I had to go buy another one. - Oh.

[chuckles] Thank God.

- I'll be damned if I was going to miss my interview.

Now, one of you indoor kids set this phone up for me.

- All right.

Oh, it's saying you got to choose a passcode.

- Just use 0, 0, 0, 0, like you did last time

when you set my phone up.

- Oh, [chuckles] right.

I sure did, didn't I?

I don't know how I forgot that part.

- It seemed like it would have been so easy to remember that.

- Yeah, so easy to remember.

[phone chimes]

- Dang. Janelle, you texted me already?

- Uh, Ma, you got something on your face, Ma.

- Boy, get your goddamn dick beaters out of my face.

Janelle.

Is this you?

[both groan]

What the hell?

- I'm invisible.

- Dang! The cloud.

We always forget about the cloud.

- Oh, that's true.

Our things all just be floating around everywhere,

and we just be clueless.

ALL: Dang!

- What's going on with this picture, Janelle?

- Oh, that picture.

[chuckles] I was just trying to show you a mole I found.

- Oh, really? It looked like you were

trying to show me a good time.

And when did you start biting your lips

when you take pictures of moles?

Oh, moles are sexy now?

Dumb and Dumber, leave.

Girl, what's going on with you?

- Nothing's going on.

Look, it's not like I'm having sex.

It's just a picture.

- [chuckles] And what do you think

pictures lead to, Bible study?

- Well, it depends on the church.

- Let me ask you something.

Do you remember that book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?"

It's the same if you send a horny nigga some titties.

He going to come lick them.

- He just kept asking me to send it.

And I didn't want to lose him.

I mean, he's--he's the first guy I really like.

- So you're going to let somebody guilt you

into doing something you don't want to do?

That's not love.

- You guilt me into taking your side

against Daddy all the time.

- Oh, that's just to prove his ass wrong

'cause you're my smart child.

- But now your smart child is out here being dumb.

- Look, you're not dumb.

You're young, but dumb.

Now what are you going to do when that boy put them

little moles on the internet?

- Sue him for distributing child porn.

- Well, damn. I did raise you right.

- Mom, when are you going to remember?

I'm not a baby anymore.

- [exhales] Well, when are you going

to remember relationships end, but pictures lasts forever?

Do you know how many niggas got me out there butt naked

right now on a floppy disk?

Tooted up with shit running down my leg.

[elegant music]

- You know the bread's free,

and they refill it all night, right?

- Oh, yeah.

Where I'm from, if you didn't eat first, you didn't eat.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry, Lee.

It's just, I wasn't expecting to see you today.

- No, no, no. It's--it's OK.

Um, listen.

I feel like we left things in a bad place.

And I'm so glad that you wanted to see me, because--

- Well, before you say anything,

I have to be honest.

I didn't ask to see you again.

Terry misunderstood me.

I was dating a guy that wasn't good for me.

And I said I wish I had a guy like you instead.

- Oh, I-- yeah.

Someone like me, but not me.

- I knew you'd understand, because you always do.

- Can I ask why you won't consider giving it

another shot with me?

- Lee, you're a great guy, but I need to focus

on myself for a while.

I mean, hell, I just went through a situation

where my well-being was in jeopardy.

I can't be straight for a relationship

if I'm not straight for myself first, you know what I mean?

- I do.

Wait, are you coming out to me?

- No, baby.

[laughs] No.

- OK, just-- - Yeah, no.

- OK. - No men, no women.

Just doing me for a while.

- Understood.

- But you've been good to me,

and we've been through so much.

It would kind of suck if we can't be friends.

- I'd love that.

- Well, good.

So you don't hate me for putting

your ass in the friend zone?

- You forget that I am a good guy.

- [chuckles]

- I have spent decades in the friend zone.

I'll be OK.

- Well, you know, your mama and daddy probably

couldn't have handled having all this

as a daughter-in-law anyhow.

- You're probably right about that.

My mom found one of--

uh, one of your thongs in my apartment

and went straight to church to pray for you.

- Was it the ones that said "eating ain't cheating"

on the front?

- Yeah, it was.

- I'm going to need those back.

Thank you for understanding.

[doorbell rings]

- Hello, Miss Carson.

- Oh, you can drop the nice-guy act, Trey-Quavo.

- Ma'am? - No, don't ma'am me.

You think I don't know you asked my daughter

to send you a naked picture?

Oh, do you think this the house of the hoes?

- No, ma'am--

- Ma, I got this.

- You better.

- [exhales]

- Mm.

- You told your mom on me?

- [chuckles] No, but I'm glad she found out.

She made me realize I shouldn't be dealing with someone

who doesn't value or respect me.

- I do value and respect you.

- No, you value the adult content

you keep asking me to send you.

How many times do I have to tell you

no until you get the picture?

- [chuckles] You see, there's the problem.

I-- I never got the picture.

[laughs]

- Fuck you laughing at?

- Ma!

And another thing.

I don't appreciate being sent unsolicited erect baby arms.

- Hey, if it help, the dick in that photo wasn't mine.

- [chuckles] Yeah, I figured, when it wasn't

the same color as the rest of you.

- Look, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, you are sorry.

- Janelle, baby--

- Hey, nigga, where you going?

Didn't you want to see some titty?

[door closes]

I'm so proud of you.

Now, I know it's hurt, but don't worry.

You're going to find your Prince Charming, OK?

It took me two kids, three STDs,

and four felons before I found mine.

- That's gross, Mama. - Mm.

- But thanks. - OK.

I'm going to go upstairs and wash my ass.

- Goodnight.

- And if you ever show somebody else your titties,

I'll cut them little bitches off.

Terry.

- I don't want to fuck Lee.

- What?

What the fuck are you talking about?

- [moans]

- I just wanted you to take a picture

of this bump on my booty.

- Not at all.

- What if I got booty hole cancer?

Can't get shit done around here if I don't do it myself.

- Yup.

And then I slammed the door in his face.

[laughs]

Yeah, I'd call it a slam, yeah.

It definitely was stronger than your traditional shut.

[phone chiming]

Uh, hold on.

I think my mom's texting me.

- Don't open it!

- [shouts]

- What did you see?

- Everything.

- Consider it as your birth museum.

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman with family and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪