Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- The one thing in this world, y'all,

that will turn a good person to a goddamn fool is money.

It would turn a preacher into a pimp,

a schoolteacher into a dick-sucking crackhead

named Tinker Bell.

The only other thing that will come close

to this type of evil, y'all, is fame.

People will lose common sense

to be loved and accepted by motherfuckers

who are ready to cancel them for wiping their ass wrong.

Fame is a beautiful thing if you can buy,

but what would that bullshit cost you?

I told my son if he ever at school

and one of them crazy-ass white boys

come in there and start shooting,

don't try to be no hero

'cause Black heroes do not survive.

I said, "Nigga, hit the floor

and throw a white bitch on your back."

Thank y'all so much, y'all. I'll be Ms. Pat.

- You were amazing tonight, Pat-Pat.

That crowd was louder

than a toothless bitch's morning breath.

- Can you believe I just played a 10,000 seater?

I didn't even know 10,000 people lived in Tulsa

after them crazy-ass white people burnt the shit down.

- Listen, and look at all of this money that we made

on merch and Denise Grease!

- I'm on a national comedy tour

making people laugh their asses off, and look at you.

Your damn grease got their edges growing back.

We're the hope of the slaves.

- I am so glad that we did not let Tony

fuck up this opportunity for us.

- Girl, Tony is a hot mess.

But as long as he leave me alone

and let me make that money,

I don't give a flying fuck what he do.

- Whoo!

Ain't it a rush, making all them people

shit in their drawers?

- Tony, look, I want to thank you for the chance.

And I know we had a few bumps along the way,

but bumps make good-ass stories.

- Ain't it the truth?

You know, Pat, most headliners want a weak opener.

Make them look better. - Oh, I get it.

It's sort of like how you want to be in the photo

with a bucktoothed, big-belly bitch.

Helps you shine.

- Exactly.

But me, I want the funniest opener in town.

That way, when they kill it and I come up and top that,

I deserve all the love I get.

- He said you're the best in town.

- I'm about to faint.

- Y'all, come on and get a little hit

of this booger sugar.

- No, thanks. I can't do no cocaine, man.

Cocaine and high blood pressure don't go together.

- Y'all, don't bring the party down.

Come talk to me.

You know, if you stay in this comedy game long enough,

you gon' need a little pick-me-up from time to time.

This ain't nothing but comedy vitamins.

[snorting]

- Vitamins that got you dripping snot

like a motel air conditioner.

- I can't do no drugs, man. I used to sell that shit.

But my kids grew up around too many damn dope fiends.

I ain't never used it, but I can tell you this.

My oldest son is so stupid, I truly believe

that boy was born with a damn crack baby spirit.

- [laughs]

- Nigga, I'm for real.

One time, I took him down there

to take one of them slow tests,

you know, to get me a disability check,

'cause all my girlfriends was doing the same shit,

'cause they kids was special too.

Hell, I thought he was special. - Uh-huh.

- I get down there to take the test.

Do you know that that motherfucker passed the test

and the lady told me he was lazy?

And I slapped the shit out of him.

I'm like, "Who the fuck told you to read good today, bitch?"

Do you know I had to beg that lady

for a handicapped sticker?

- [chuckles] Now that's some funny shit.

Damn!

Which way is the bus? I get confused.

- That's 'cause that shit got your brain like a omelet.

I'ma start calling you Denny's.

- No. You start calling me Mr. Free.

Y'all clean that up for me.

- No, the hell we not.

- That wasn't a question, sweetheart.

I'll see y'all on the bus.

- He turn into a whole nother person

when he on that shit, don't he?

Mike Tyson-looking-ass nigga.

- Look, just quit talking.

That man got my whole future in his hand.

Let's just clean the shit up.

- You can't do that. Do you know how much that shit cost?

- Girl, that's for the next artist.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

[doorbell rings] - [sighs]

- Ah, I got it. Watch out, I got it.

- Who is this?

Junebug is kissing.

Why? I'm dead. I have died.

- Allison, meet my hater of a sister, Ashley.

- O to the M to the G!

Get your behind over here! Ah!

It's so amazing to finally meet my future big sis-in-law.

- Sis-in-law?

- Oh! And is this Brandon?

You must be my big bro-in-law.

- Must I? - Oh, yes.

Me and Junie are going to be together, like forever.

- And who, pray tell, is Junie?

- Oh, that's just her little nickname for me.

- Um, babe, I'd love to sit on the couch, but...

- Oh, I got you, babe.

- Hey!

- Ahem.

So how did you meet ol' Junie?

- We met on TikTok.

- But his videos are trash.

I love you, but they trash.

- [laughs]

I love how we all tease each other.

I wish my family was as cool as yours, Junie.

But now, all they care about is politics.

My dad is Mayor Malinowski, unfortunately.

- Wait, your dad's the mayor?

- You damn right that's unfortunate.

His policies have led to mass displacement

of the unhoused with these sweeps they've been doing.

- Don't listen to my sister. She's a liberal elite.

- Well, actually, I agree with Leelee.

- Ashley.

- I'm disgusted by my dad's track record on the homeless.

- Unhoused.

- Thank you for correcting me, Ashy.

- Ooh, little girl.

- We'd better go if we're gonna make the "Downton Abbey" movie.

- Downtown what? Who's Abby?

Ashley, what's going on? - Hey.

What y'all doing in here?

Hi. Who is this?

- This is Junebug's new girlfriend.

She's the mayor's daughter,

and she's taking Junebug to see "Downton Abbey."

- OK, none of what you just said made any sense.

- Ah! - Oh!

- It is so good to meet you, Mr. Carson.

Or should I say Dad?

- You shouldn't. No.

- Damn, he out there killing.

- Let me tell y'all about my dumbass son.

When he was younger,

I took him down to take the slow test, right?

I'm thinking my ass is gonna get

one of them checks, retard reparations.

- What? He out there telling my story.

- OK, look here, when he get off that stage,

you murk him from the bottom, and I'ma fuck him up up top.

- Ah, just leave it alone.

- You don't even want to murk him just a little?

- Look, shit happens, OK?

When a star like that want to steal your material,

I guess I'm supposed to be flattered.

I got a million more stories where that shit came from.

- But that doesn't mean that the one being used

ain't worth nothing.

You know what? I got half a mind--

- Hey. Don't say nothing, OK?

All it's gonna do is create problem.

Pack this stuff up and get your ass back on the bus.

Plus, that man about to get off the damn stage.

- But it's your story, Pat.

- Yeah, but I wish he would

just tell the fucking story right.

His retarded ass don't even know

he can't say "retarded" no more.

- Ah, where's my gear? I forgot my bag.

- You forgot your originality too.

- Excuse me?

- Look, I don't like you stealing Pat's joke.

That shit was disrespectful.

And you had the nerve to do it in her face.

- Bitch, I've been in this comedy game

since I was 19 years old.

I ain't got to steal a damn thing.

I took that shit.

I punched it up four times

and made it four times as funny.

I'm a well of creativity!

- OK, well, it looks like your well has run as dry

as a nun's panties on a wet day.

- Just get your ass on the bus and keep your mouth shut.

You hear me? - Nigga, you better--

- Hey, don't, bitch. I will crush

your sister's career like a cockroach

that come out when you got company!

Don't fuck with me!

Are we clear?

- Tony, all I'm saying-- - It ain't Tony.

Mr. Free.

Are we clear?

- As clear as this gel-polished foot

I can put up your ass, motherfucker!

You done fuck with the wrong woman.

I'll fuck you all the way up

for hurting my sister, motherfucker.

[doorbell rings]

[TV chatter]

- Allison, what are you doing here?

- I ran away from home.

- And pausing the movie. - Mm-hmm.

- What? Why did you run away?

- Is it because your dad stands

for everything evil in this world?

- Or is it because your family made you take a slow test?

Yeah, but you passed.

Instead of your mom being happy for you

because you can read so good,

she got upset and told you

that you set the whole damn family back.

- You have got to take my therapist recommendations.

- I ran away because I got in a huge fight with my dad.

I was hoping I can stay here for a few nights.

- Hell no! - Oh, absolutely!

- Boy, are you high?

Mom and Dad would never let you have a girl stay over.

- Yeah, especially a white--

widely interesting girl like you, Allison.

- I need your help sneaking me in, Ash.

- Are you high? I don't live here.

- Don't worry. I'll talk to my dad, OK?

You can stay in Janelle's room

while she's in New York at that scholarship convention.

- What was this huge fight with your dad even about?

- He totally freaked out when I told him I was pregnant.

- Man, ugh, I hate when my parents freak out.

It's like, come on, y'all. Take a chill pill.

What did you just say?

- You're pregnant?

- No. - OK, thank God.

- We're pregnant.

- So I caught my son with a pocket pussy, right?

And he gonna try to play like it wasn't his...

[DJ scratching] [crowd cheering]

- What the fuck?

I don't give a fuck. Y'all better have my money.

Tony, the fucking DJ out there playing "Wobble"

in front of my damn set, got these niggas dancing.

I had ten minutes to go. Why he playing me like that?

- Ask your sister.

Get in there! Yeah, yeah?

- What the hell, Denise?

- OK, I had to tell him

that he was dirty for stealing your joke.

- God damn it! - Well, it wasn't right, Pat.

Now I don't care what all he's doing for us.

As your manager, I can't keep letting him play us like this.

- See, that's the fucking problem.

You always saying "us,"

but only one person suffer the consequences.

And it's me.

- OK, well, the Pat that I know and grew up with

would've tore that man a new bootyhole

for stealing her shit.

- The Pat you grew up with grew up poor as fuck.

- Well, what does the Bible say?

"What does it profit a man to gain the whole world,

yet lose his soul?"

- First of all, I'm not a man.

Second of all, them fucking verses don't pay no bill, OK?

This is the biggest opportunity of my life,

and you're ruining it.

I knew I shouldn't have brought your stupid ass on this tour.

- OK, hold up.

I'm a lot of things, Pat, but stupid is not one of them.

Now, if this is you after five minutes of success,

I'd hate to see what you gon' be when you blow up.

I thought we was closer than this.

- Me too. It's my fucking dream.

Now stay out of it!

- Allison, how far along are you?

- I'm 12 weeks,

which makes me nervous because I'll be showing soon.

I'm a little nervous

about what the kids at school are gonna say.

- They're probably gonna say you're pregnant.

- Hey, y'all. So, Allison,

Junebug tells me you had a little fight with your father

and you needed a place to stay?

- Wait, hold up.

Please don't tell me that Junebug duped you

in having this girl stay at the house.

I am 30 years old,

and I still can't have girls stay at the house.

But Junebug's pregnant girlfriend--

- What now?

- Boy, I didn't tell him that part yet!

- Couldn't hold water if you were a bottle.

- What the hell is he talking about, Junebug?

- Well, I--I, uh--

- What the hell is he talking 'bout?

- I was gonna tell you on his first birthday.

- Boy, you better be lying to me in my face.

I know good and damn well

my 15-year-old son ain't go knock up

some random girl and ruin his life.

I swear for God, you best be lying in my face, boy!

- It's true, Dad.

Your baby boy is about to be a baby daddy.

Our name lives on. [chuckles]

- Actually, it might just die here and now.

All of you, out of here, now!

- Thanks for getting rid of them, Dad.

We have so much to talk about.

- You too, Allison.

- Oh, but I-- - Go home. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, I know you're mad with your dad and everything,

but until that baby comes, you're his problem, not mine.

I'm very disappointed in you, son.

You have any idea what your mama would say?

She spent your entire life warning you kids

not to go the same route that she did!

Look, man, I know it's unrealistic

to expect you to never have sex, OK?

But you could have at least worn a condom!

- I did.

I guess the latex was just no match for my soldiers.

I must got that "Mortal Kombat" sperm.

- [growls]

- Hey, Tony, I just want to apologize for Denise, OK?

She's always stepping over her bounds

and talking out her ass.

- Well, was she talking out her ass?

I just thought her breath stank.

Well, it's water under the bridge.

But, Pat, you want to keep cashing them checks,

you better get her ass in check.

- Look, I promise she won't bother you again.

I got you.

- Well, that's good.

If you got me, I got you.

You know, I haven't forgotten

I promised you those radio spots.

When we get to D.C.,

I'm on the air on "Snooze Scoop" with Buzzy Da Host.

You want to roll?

- Hell yeah, nigga, like a rock down the hill.

My mama always told me to reach for the stars.

And she hope I hit the sun and burn the fuck up.

- Hey, what you doing, Pops?

- Calling your mama about this Junebug mess.

- I'll start calling funeral homes.

- Dad, you should hang up. - Why?

- 'Cause it doesn't matter when she's gonna hear it.

He's still gon' die.

- I don't think that girl is really pregnant.

And if she is, it ain't Junebug's.

- What makes you say that?

- I asked him when they hooked up.

He said it was one time. Homecoming.

- Homecoming is the beginning of babies coming home.

- I looked at Junebug's Instagram.

He made a post on homecoming night,

but that was seven weeks ago.

She just told us she was 12 weeks pregnant.

- And?

- Math?

- Science?

Oh, 12 weeks.

It was seven weeks ago, so that's...

That's a four-week difference!

- That's all right, son.

- It's not.

- "So, Ms. Pat, how does it feel

to be the best comedian in the whole world?"

"Oh, my God, I told you bitches

"I was gon' step on you hoes next!

"I made it, you bitches."

Oh.

Uh, I was just testing the equipment.

- I saw your sister outside.

- Well, good, 'cause we ain't even speaking.

- Oh. Sorry to hear that.

Have you seen my husband?

- Yeah, he in the bathroom taking a dump and a bump.

- Look, Ms. Pat, I know we had our moment before,

but I saw you perform in Tulsa, and you blew me away.

You are such an authentic, unafraid type of woman.

- Shit.

Let a rat run across a bitch feet.

You'll see fear then.

- [laughing]

[sobbing]

- Damn.

Why are you crying? What's wrong?

With that big-ass ring on your finger,

it say, "Shut the fuck up."

- You can have it.

It's a sorry ring.

- Shit don't look sorry to me.

- I mean sorry as in "I fucked that other bitch" ring.

You can keep it.

- Well, since you being so generous,

you wanna give me them Bottega shoes you got on too?

They ain't my size, but I'ma stick them bitches

in the freezer with a Ziploc bag with some water

so they can stretch out.

They'll be my size in the morning.

- Well, you enjoy yourself.

Listen, it ain't like

it making my miserable, low-down life any better.

- What's going on?

- Tony!

I'm tired of him treating me like shit.

And I know you lied for him

a couple of weeks back at that hotel.

- Look, I ain't have-- - Look, listen.

You ain't got to tell me, OK?

Sis, I know what time it is, OK?

And that coke mess just makes it even worse.

It's like he turns into a whole nother person.

He fusses, he cheats, and he puts his hands on me.

- Damn.

You getting your ass whipped for some shoes and a ring?

Did the nigga at least buy you some land?

You know, 'cause I can understand

a bitch getting knocked out for 40 acres and a pool.

Well, did you at least get the deed?

You can leave the nigga.

- What I'ma do out on my own?

- Get a job. Sell some pussy.

I mean...

I mean, did you sign a prenup?

- Yep.

He told me I got to "prove" my love.

- What? Pussy is proof!

And as old as that nigga is, girl,

I know you got to crank his dick up

like a window in a 1997 Honda Civic.

- Look, Pat, I--

I grew up with so many lonely women--

my mom, my granny--

and all of them died alone and poor.

I told myself I would never be like that.

At least now, I'm rich and I'm married.

- Sound like you're alone and poor to me.

- Well, I guess I never thought about it like that.

But without that, what else I got?

Oh, here he comes. Keep this between us.

- I said I was sorry.

Please don't take this shit out on Pat.

I just got a really big mouth.

- Yes, bitch, you do.

And you should try shutting it sometime for a change.

Pat, I thought you told me

you were gon' keep her ass away from me.

- She's trying to apologize.

- God made an apology when he made that bitch's face.

- Look here, nigga, my sister ain't gon' be

too many more bitches.

- No, it's OK, Pat.

- No, he ain't gon' keep talking--

- Yo, what is going on in here?

Mr. Free, we've been looking for you.

We gotta do some socials for you and Ms. Pat

before the interview.

We're going live in ten minutes.

Not 15, not 20. Let's go!

- Who the fuck is that "Sesame Street"-looking nigga?

- I don't know, but let's go, since it's time to go.

Pat, you gonna go ahead and fuck this up

like you do everything else too?

Yeah, every female in my life

is driving my ass nuts right about now!

- Well, Tony,

you've been in this game since before I was born.

What do you think is the key to your longevity?

- Well, if you're gonna stay in this game,

it comes down to originality.

See, a lot of comics be stealing other people's style,

biting off of other people's jokes.

But if you want to make it, you've got to find your voice.

That's what will make you stand out.

- Yeah, you're right, 'cause I saw somebody post that story

you told the other night in San Antonio about your son.

Man, I was dying.

- Oh, yeah. Well, what can I say?

Sometimes shit just comes to me.

- OK, well, do you have any other tips

for the young cats coming up?

- Yeah, fellas.

Get yourself a good woman. Lord knows I did.

Hey, baby. - That's right.

Tony's wife is in the studio with us today,

for those of you who are listening

and not watching the livestream.

- Yeah, fellas, let me give you some advice

on how to treat a woman.

- This should be good. - What's that, Pat?

- She ain't say nothing. Listen.

You get you a good woman,

and you buy a lot of designer clothes, designer purses,

designer shoes, diamonds.

And then you got to give her

that good dick every night, yeah.

And boy, she will stay with you for the rest of your life.

- Oh, OK.

Well, you heard it here, folks.

Gifts and dick.

- That's right. You gotta dick 'em down.

See, women are like dogs.

It don't take much to complete their little sad lives.

Ain't that right, Pat?

- Oh, shit.

Ms. Pat, what's it like for you to be on tour with Tony?

- Go on! Tell 'em!

- Well, you know, I, uh--

I've been listening to Tony Free comedy albums

ever since I've been a authorized user

on white people credit cards.

Now they didn't know I was a authorized user, but I was.

I mean, I'm his biggest fan.

- Oh, you know I like it when you talk like that.

- I mean, this man is a comedy hero.

- It's so sweet of you to say those things.

- But they wasn't lying when they say never meet your idol,

'cause they will let you down

like a nigga who owe you $20

when a nigga know he got your $20,

standing in line, eating Popeye's with your $20.

- Oh, shit. Tony, she clowning you!

- Oh, she's just joking, though.

Now you're joking, right, Pat? - Hell no, I ain't joking!

And you know that joke he did on stage

the other night about his son, he stole that shit from me.

He ain't even got no son.

Do he, Naomi?

- Nope. No kids.

Tony didn't want none.

- I guess you forgetting you had that miscarriage.

- See, he ain't even got no kids.

Done stole my damn joke about my son when he's a moron.

That's my goddamn son.

And I better be able to steal something from his ass.

- You know, all this part of the act.

Do you understand? - Bitch, this ain't no act!

- Who you calling a bitch, bitch?

- You, bitch! - Bitch!

- And you an asshole for what you said about your wife too,

talking about designer shit, you coked-out, dick-ass nigga.

But that don't replace you respecting your wife.

- What I can't respect

is a comic that can't take a damn joke.

- That wasn't no joke. You meant that shit.

See, I know men like you.

I've been in a relationship with one.

Took a gunshot to the back of the head

until I learned my damn worth!

- Ms. Pat is going in right now!

- Now where are the cameras at?

Hey, ladies in D.C.,

don't you wait to get your wig blown off

before you leave a lowdown, dirty-ass nigga like Tony Free.

- You know your Black ass off the tour, right?

- I don't give a fuck!

Ladies, it's good to have dreams.

But just like my sister, Denise said,

that the Bible said, not at the cost of your soul.

And she should know 'cause she read that shit.

- Y'all hear that?

Don't let this fame shit come at the cost of your soul.

- Man, fuck fake-ass Tony Free

and that California raisin shriveled-up pussy

he crawled out of in the 1900s!

I'm out this bitch.

Denise, call us an Uber.

- Well, can we beat his ass first?

- Oh, we can't beat a nigga ass who got some money,

but we can hire a nigga who ain't got no money

to beat that nigga ass.

- OK, I'ma call Pookie.

- What the fuck going on here? - Now hold on, Ms. Pat.

Before you leave, you gotta promise to come back

and tell me about how you got your weave shot off.

- Chile, I will, but never with Tony Freak again.

- And you ain't the only one done with his trifling ass.

- I guess she didn't like them gifts and that dick, brother.

- Oh, shit. You just talking, baby.

You ain't going to let some unfunny ho come between us!

You'll be broke and alone for the rest of your life.

- Well, today is the last day I'm gonna be broken and alone.

- But don't you got a prenup, girl?

Go and pick that shit up. Here you go.

Right here. We gon' need that.

- Well, that was the weirdest interview we've ever done.

Tony, do you have anything to say for yourself?

- As a matter of fact, I do. You can catch me on--

- Unfortunately, that's all the time we've got.

[knocks on glass] Ooh!

[doorbell rings]

- Mr. Carson.

- Hi, Mr. Malinowski.

Right. Come on in.

- Feel free to call me Jack.

I like to get to know each of my citizens

on a personal level,

especially the ones that impregnate my daughter.

- Excuse me?

- Mr. Mayor, I'm Ashley.

- Hello, Ashley. It's so nice to meet--

- Oh, not nice.

Why did you pass that anti-trans legislation?

- Come on, sweetheart. I don't want to talk legislation.

I'm the mayor.

- You're the devil.

- Uh, have a seat, Mr. Mayor. - Thank you.

Well, it seems that your son

has gotten my daughter into quite the predicament.

- It seems so.

- I really appreciate the invite

to come down here and work this thing out.

And I'm so relieved to see

that your boy comes from a decent family.

- Ooh.

Don't be calling him no boy. He's a grown 15.

- I just came here to discuss a plan of action.

- Yeah, well, before we get on with that,

I just want to get into a few more details

to get to the bottom of everything.

See, my daughter asked your daughter

how far along she was.

- Yes, she's 12 weeks.

She's got the sonogram to prove it.

- Good. It's good that you have that

because we're gonna need that as proof

that Junebug is not the father of that baby!

- Boom! - In your face!

- Ow! - Ow!

- Mayor Malinowski, Junebug told us

that they were only together once.

That was homecoming night. That was seven weeks ago.

Those dates don't match up, man.

- No, they do not.

And the only person that gets pregnant that fast

and knows it is Keke Wyatt.

And you don't know who that is. - Mm.

So what do you have to say for yourself, Allison?

- [whispers] What should I say, Daddy?

- Why are you asking him what to do?

- Um...

Because this was all his stupid idea!

The baby isn't yours, Junie.

- What?

- I hooked up with this other Black guy

a few months before I met you.

- Wait, wait, wait.

I thought I was your first.

- I, uh--

he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby.

And I've seen enough "Teen Mom"

to know that it wasn't gonna work out.

So I told Dad, and he thought

you'd be a safer option, politically speaking.

- So you put her up to this?

You should be ashamed of yourself, man.

- Look. What do you want me to say?

I'm running for re-election on the Republican ticket.

I couldn't let Allison get an abortion.

We don't believe in those.

- Oh, not until you knock up a mistress or two

on the road, right?

- You know Caroline?

- What?

- I'm really sorry, Junie.

For what it's worth,

I think you would have been a really good dad.

- I can't believe you used me and lied to me.

You don't get to call me Junie anymore.

- You know, we could still make this work.

Name your price. - Oh, please.

You lucky I didn't call the media.

Get the hell up out of my house, man.

- Can I still count on your vote next month?

- You got three seconds

before you can count on this ass-whupping.

Boy, get your white ass out of here, boy!

Look, I'm so sorry, Junebug.

I'm just glad that we through with all that mess.

I don't know how I would have broke that news

to your mama, though.

- No news would have been broke.

Just y'all's necks.

And there's no telling

what she would have broken off of Junebug.

- Uh, I got a guess.

- You know, Junebug, you got to be a little bit more careful

about the women that you lay down with, son.

Hmm?

You know what?

I think that you need to watch

"A Thin Line Between Love and Hate."

Mm-hmm.

And you're grounded.

- For what?

- For what could have been.

- Sorry she made you feel stupid, Bug.

- Stupid? [scoffs]

I finally got to have sex.

I feel incredible.

- Yeah.

- And I mean, come on.

I almost got a Republican's daughter pregnant?

Shoot. I'm trying to end racism.

- Ugh.

I never thought I'd be so happy

to get to a home that I sleep on a pullout.

- Remind me to never fly Spirit again.

That shit should be called Break Your Fucking Spirit.

I'm tired.

- Yeah, well, you should be

after digging in that man's ass like that.

- Denise. - Huh?

- Sorry about the bullshit today.

I know you was just trying to help.

And that was the first big opportunity I ever had,

so I kind of lost myself there for a minute.

- Yeah, well, a lot of people do.

I'm just glad you found her.

- Me too. Don't forget to call Pookie.

- Oh, I already did.

He said he's gon' make it look like he did it himself,

'cause I ordered the nigga version of Jeffrey Epstein.

- [snoring]

[gasps] Shit.

What, you thought I was coming for your ass?

- Oh, girl, I ain't know what was going on.

I didn't expect you home so soon.

- I got kicked off the comedy tour.

- Kicked off? What happened?

- Standing up for my morals and shit.

- I'm sorry, baby.

You want to have sex?

- You've only been awake for three seconds.

How the hell are you horny?

No, I'm tired.

- Whew. Thank God.

You ain't wash it, I don't want it.

[snoring]

[upbeat music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a man and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪