Original subtitles

- The Ms. Pat Show was filmed in front

of a live studio audience.

- Y'all ever wonder why we have to chase our dreams?

Why can't the motherfucker just meet us halfway?

The great Nelson Mandela spent 27 years

in jail following his dream,

and Kaepernick was on his knees

so long the nigga got arthritis.

Sometimes chasing your dream

can trap your ass in a nightmare.

Just watch.

- Hey, Pat, somebody sent you something.

- Who's it from? I'm pissing.

- Only one of the biggest comedians

in the whole wide world.

[chuckles]

I thought you was using the bathroom.

- I'm holding it.

- I still can't believe you opening for Tony Free.

- Yeah. - He is such a legend.

Open it. I want to see what he got you.

And I hope it's so expensive, it makes us ashamed

of our pathetic lives.

- Oh, my God.

A real Rolex. - Oh, wow.

That is, without a doubt,

the most expensive thing this family owns.

- Ah, but don't worry, Dad.

I'm sure Mom likes the Home Depot gift card

you got her for her birthday just as much.

- Wait till you get your birthday gift--

oxygen.

- Mom, what does the card say?

- "Set your watch, Ms. Pat.

"It's time to become a star.

The Tony Free."

- Oh, Pat,

I remember when you first said you wanted to do comedy.

You used to play his records over and over again to learn.

- Girl, I was just thinking about this today.

My hero.

It makes me so emotional.

- Oh, baby, you look like you gonna cry.

- Thug bitches don't cry, Terry.

We water.

Put this in the room.

It's too expensive for me to take on tour.

Damn, Tony Free.

- Oh, it look like he sent a bunch of stuff

for you kids too.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now, don't you vultures clean that.

Daddy gets his cut.

- Oh, see, now, this is cool.

When me and Ryan went to go see him,

these were going for like 50 bucks.

- 50 bucks?

Well, shit, Pat, if Tony Free can get $50 a pop,

you should be able to get, what, $20?

- I never really thought about merchandise.

- OK, so if I can make you

some real money with your merch,

will you promote me from your "ass-istant" to your manager?

- You ain't even got the job yet,

and you already asking for a damn promotion.

- Yeah, she sound like a real manager already.

- Yeah, because what does a manager make?

Say, 20% of the cut?

- 10. - You got yourself a deal.

- I didn't agree to nothing.

- You know what?

I'ma go call the girl who did my "Mama died" T-shirts,

OK, because she'd be doing silk screen and all that shit.

She like the Picasso of puff paints.

About to make you rich, Pat-Pat

so that I, as your manager, can get 20% of rich.

- You just said 10.

- OK, now, look here.

It's my job to try.

- Hey, we gonna miss you to death while you're gone, baby.

- Oh.

- Well, hell, where you going in a hurry?

- You broke it off in my underwear.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Hey, kids, I'm working the graveyard shift tonight.

And with your mama and Denise out on tour,

Janelle, you're in charge.

- Wait, how come Janelle is in charge?

I'm like a whole decade older than her.

- Your ages are swapped on the inside.

- Wow. That's what you think of me?

- Of course not.

And plus, Janelle is reliable.

She's safe.

She's boring.

- Excuse me?

I'm not boring.

- Oh, baby girl.

Night, y'all.

Be good, or else Janelle's gonna tell on you.

Love you.

- Love you, too. - All right.

- I'm not boring.

[both laugh]

You know, I could have some kind of "Euphoria" lifestyle

outside of here.

- "Euphoria," Janelle? I mean, come on.

Your life is more like--

what's a TV show about nerds?

- Oh, I'm watching one right now--

"Keenan and Coon."

- OK, look,

what do you even care if we think you're boring?

- Because your thought is false.

- OK, then prove it's false.

- OK, all right, fine.

We're alone, right?

There is not an adult in sight.

- Y'all gon' stop disrespecting me.

I am grown!

- I think we should throw a party.

- Oh, Janelle, you would never.

- Say I won't. - You won't.

- Huh.

You just said it, so it's happening.

- OK, yes!

Yes! Brandon, come on.

Let's do it. - It's up to Janelle.

She was placed in charge after all,

so the decision is all hers.

- Janelle?

- Let's tear the club.

- Up.

Let's tear the club up.

- Oh, oh.

Let's tear the club up.

- Oh, my gosh.

- You don't mind me moving a little Denise Grease

on the side do you, Pat?

- Sure, everybody need hair product at a comedy show.

Look, I'm nervous.

I've never played a place this big before.

- Oh, please, you gon' kill it like you always do.

Oh, shit, there he is. That's Tony.

- Oh, my God, he's coming over here.

Motivate me! Be my fucking manager.

- Oh, your ass is juicy as hell.

- Oh, this is a squeeze-free exit only ass.

- No, I was talking to my sister.

I mean, not that I wouldn't want

to squeeze or exit your ass.

- What the fuck wrong with this lady?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Free.

She's stupid.

- No, I'm actually Denise,

Pat's sister slash ass-istant, slash manager.

You get it, see, I put the ass in assistant.

- You can hold up with all them little ass jokes.

I hope she ain't part of your writing team.

- Look.

I just want to thank you for all the fancy things

that you sent me and my family,

and the room you got me and Denise is amazing.

- That's the least I could do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go call my wife.

If I don't talk to her before every show,

I'm off my game.

Lord knows I love that woman so!

- Yeah, because I actually remember a photo of you two

on the cover of "Jet" with the snakes and the baby oil.

That was classic. - Indeed it was.

Well, nice meeting you both.

- Look at that.

Man is a comedy legend.

All this pussy on this tour, he still like his wife.

- Oh, and one more thing--

any sales generated by your little merch here,

I get 20% of that.

- 20%?

God only want 10.

- God ain't on this tour.

But God bless you though.

- Don't look at me like that.

He said all big tours get 20%.

- Well, that's some false advertising.

How he want 20%, and this nigga named Tony Free?

- All right.

- The most devastating...

- Uh, does this technically qualify as a party?

Why is there no music?

- Because I thought people want to hear the documentary.

- Why are you playing a documentary at a party?

- It is about the race to find a cure for sickle cell.

- And you think that answered my question?

- What time does the party start?

- It already started.

- I literally cannot with this.

Are those girls playing Jenga?

- Actually, it's the Black version of Jenga.

It was $3 cheaper. It's called Benga.

All you got to do is--

- You embarrassing your ancestors.

- Well, how do you know so much about partying?

Aren't you like 30?

- Did she just-- - She did.

- We 30-somethings invented the game, OK?

- Facts.

Y'all generations don't know nothing.

What y'all got, YouTube? We had "106 & Park."

- OK, y'all got TikTok. We had Myspace.

- What's Myspace?

- It's like the house phone of social media.

- What's a house phone?

- Well, if y'all 30-somethings do it better,

show us how it's done.

- Please, Ashley and I used to throw some

of the most legendary parties back in the day.

- Mm-hmm, Mama being 14 when I was born had its advantages.

- So y'all really want our help?

- Yes. - Please.

- All right, well, first, secure the perimeter,

and get some music going,

something that's gonna get people out on the dance floor.

All right? No questions asked.

- Come out the gate with songs everybody knows.

The big guns-- "Blow the Whistle,"

"Back that Ass Up," "My Neck, My Back."

- The "Macarena."

Now, the drinks--

is that a paper sign that says water

with an arrow pointing to the sink?

That is some truly shameful shit.

- Embarrassing.

I'ma do a grocery run.

- Now I see why you two aren't real family.

- Yeah.

all: Benga!

- Janelle, you going to hell.

- Damn, it felt so good playing this big-ass crowd.

This is where I belong, sis.

Felt so good I felt like I was high.

- Well, clearly, you ain't never been high.

- I want to live in this room forever.

You flopped on the bed yet? - Mm-mm.

I ain't done that yet. - Flop on the damn bed!

- Ooh.

If only this mattress was a nigga named Rufus.

You know, I appreciate you, Pat,

bringing me on your big tour, seeing the world,

staying in this beautiful room.

[banging on door] - Pat, Denise!

Get out the room!

[banging on door]

- Mr. Free, what do you mean, get out the room?

You just put us in the room.

- I know I did, but my cousins have arrived,

and I promised them a room.

- Well, get em another one.

- Ain't no 'nother one.

- Well, where are we supposed to go?

- The hotel is sold out because I'm playing here.

- Where the hell we supposed to stay?

- Are the bitches out the room yet, Tony?

'Cause baby is horny.

- I'm sorry about my cousins.

- Uh-huh, I hate when my cousin gets horny.

- Ooh, Tony, baby.

They got the good pistachios up in here.

- Girl, don't play. You know you a Planters ho.

- Listen, you want to stay on the tour, don't you?

I need you to be out of here in 30.

Make that 20!

- Manager, you need to get off your ass and start managing

because we out on our ass now.

- Well, not only that, but them women

didn't sound like his cousins.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you drinking?

- Yup, and I'm not even 21.

Would a boring person be drinking

a sugar-free hard lemonade?

I don't think so.

Turn down the club.

[upbeat music playing]

- Y'all-- - And this might sound boring.

But I think my Docs and Blocks party was way better than this.

- Y'all! all: What?

- Dad got off work early.

- Oh, shit. - OK.

Calm down, Ashley.

Junebug, when does he get home?

- He's home.

♪ ♪

- Everybody! The cops are here!

Shit.

- That only works for Black people.

- Hey, everybody!

Billie Eilish next door!

♪ ♪

Junebug, check the bathroom for stray drunks,

and do not hesitate to dropkick

a bitch off the toilet.

- Dropkick drunk bitches. Copy!

♪ ♪

- Hey, y'all. What y'all still doing up?

- Nothing. Just watching a movie.

- Hmm. Why y'all out of breath?

- Because--because--

- We were just discussing the scary movie we're watching.

- Oh, oh, oh, OK. What y'all watch?

- "Hereditary." - "Candyman."

- "Silence of the Lambs." - Jordan Peele.

- Something's going on.

- What?

There's nothing going on, Pops.

You should hit the hay.

You look busted.

- Yeah, there's nothing going on.

Remember, you put me in charge?

Boring old Janelle.

- Yeah, Dad. Come on.

Go to bed. - All right, all right.

Fine, fine, but don't be screaming

about no Freddy Krueger and wake me up.

Else, I'm gon' summon that little Chucky doll,

and I'ma sic him on all y'all butts.

- Hey, Daddy said he gon' sic Chucky on us.

Daddy, you crazy!

- Oh, my God, I can't believe we got away with that.

And y'all call me boring.

- Y'all kids in trouble now!

Where is your mama's new Rolex?

- What are you talking about?

It's in you guys' room. - No, it isn't.

- Oh, I left it downstairs because I went

to go show it to a friend.

I'll bring it up tomorrow.

- Yeah, well, you better.

Night. - Night.

- Night. - Love you.

- Brandon, please tell me you have that Rolex.

- Mm-mm.

- Anybody?

- Mm-mm.

- Oh!

- Get the fuck off me!

- Oh, I know you ain't just knocked me off this bed.

- They got bugs down here, and it stink.

It smell like old meat stuck in my teeth.

I'm calling my agent because my manager ain't managing shit.

- In fairness, I'd just like to say

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

- Uh-uh, honey, you done had three months

to use that alcoholic excuse.

You just fucking up.

- Andie's not here. Leave a message.

- Shit.

Look like we gon' have to stick it out here.

Denise, there's a roach in your hair!

- What? I know you lying!

- Ahh! - Pat, get it!

Where's it at?

- Get the fuck off me!

- Oh, shit!

[yelling]

- You're both probably wondering

why we called you here today.

- Ooh!

Is it because both our names are Tanner?

- No, Tanner. - You sure?

- Yes, Tanner, OK?

Y'all just got some unoriginal parents.

- Something very valuable has gone missing

from our mother's bedroom.

- We have reviewed the TikToks taken throughout the evening

of the robbery.

- And we've determined that only two individuals

went into her room--

you, Black Tanner,

and you, white Tanner.

Is there anything either of you would like

to say for yourselves?

- OK, fine.

I went in there, but I did not take anything.

- Then why were you in there?

- I had a very good reason.

- Well, would you like to share that reason with us?

- Not really. It's personal.

- Why were you in the damn bedroom?

- Becky Martin said she'd go down on me.

- Well, did she in fact go down on you?

- Brandon.

- Just answer the question. - Yes!

She did, OK?

- OK, now, if it pleases the court, may I ask,

how's her head game, my white brother?

Did she give you that sloppy toppy?

- Brandon! Sit your ass down.

You in contempt.

And you 30, stay out them kids' business.

Y'all hooked up in our parents' bed?

Anybody that would do something that foul

would have no problem walking out of there with something.

- Perhaps, my sister.

But I'd still like to ask the other Tanner.

The tanner Tanner.

If you will, why were you in our parents' bedroom

on the night of the 18th?

- Oh, because I stole the Rolex.

- Man, why it got to be the Black Tanner?

- OK. Where is the watch now?

- I pawned it.

- How much you get for it?

- $1,500.

- $1,500?

A Rolex is worth so much more than that.

- Now, why would a guy who owned a pawn shop lie to me?

- Hey, let me holler at your manager for a minute.

- Oh, absolutely.

- Hey, listen.

I wasn't entirely truthful when I was telling you

about the ladies that took over your room.

- Oh, well, Tony, I'm shocked.

Them wasn't your cousins?

- No, they wasn't my cousins.

They were some hos, ladies of the night,

some willing women, some kneeing knockers,

some drool dribblers.

We were partying.

We was having a good time.

But as is often the case with hos--

- The fun dried up?

- The fun dried up.

So I went and checked my bill and find out they had charged

$200 on Toblerone alone.

- Not Toblerone alone?

- Toblerone alone!

Not to mention the expensive shit,

room service, massages, facials.

- Oh, OK.

Because if it's one thing hos love, it's facials.

- I went and tried to kick them out,

and the ho threatened to call my wife.

- OK.

So these are some fuck around and find out kind of hos.

- So, what I need you to do is pretend to be my wife,

and I want you bust up in the room and clear them hos out.

- Would me and Pat be able to get our room back?

Because the place we staying out now

is definitely where Martin Luther King got shot at.

- Absolutely, deal?

- Not quite.

What you also going to do is give us back our little 20%

off the merch table.

- Yeah, you is.

- This woman is unbelievable.

- Yeah, I know.

- All right. You got yourself a deal.

You know, I could use a new manager myself.

- Hold the fuck on, Tony Free.

Now, you might be my hero and shit,

but I whoop your ass just to say I whooped it.

Denise is my manager.

- OK, fair enough, but you hang on to her.

That woman is good!

- So it's official?

- It's official. - I'm your manager?

- You're my manager.

- And you gon' give me 20%?

- 10, Denise, 10.

- 11, Pat, 11? - 10, Denise, 10!

- 12, Pat, 12. - 11, Denise, 11.

- OK, you got a deal.

- Hold the fuck on! - OK.

Now, lookie here, Pat. It's my job to try.

- Dad, while you were gone, we had a party.

- You what?

- But it's not that big of a deal.

I mean, Brandon and Ashley used to throw parties

behind you guys' back all the time.

- They what?

- Snitches are bitches.

- Who end up in ditches.

both: With stitches.

- Mom's Rolex got stolen by one of Junebug's friends, Tanner.

He took it to a pawnshop.

- Damn!

Black Tanner or white Tanner?

- Black. - Damn!

- And we don't have enough money to get it back.

They're asking for 5,000. - $5,000?

- But we already have 2,000.

We just need help with the rest.

Can you help put in on it? - Come again?

- You saw Mom's face when she opened it.

Tony free is her favorite.

Can you please float us the cash?

- I cannot believe you kids.

First off, why are you telling on yourself?

Second off, the key to throwing an actual party

is not getting caught.

So all of you are disgraced.

- Ooh, ooh.

Not so fast, Padre. OK?

Because you never actually caught us.

- One point for the Medicaid kids.

- Hey, hey. All right.

All right. All right.

Let's go and get this watch, y'all, right?

And y'all gon' pay me back too in monthly installments.

Brandon, that's on top of the rent, boy.

- Oh, damn!

Now I'm gon' be 35 shaking that ass.

- Cheers. - [laughs]

- All right, side pieces.

Get the fuck out.

- And who the hell are you?

- I'm Tony's wife, bitch.

Now, ain't you two due back at the gutter?

- For real, for real? You married to Tony?

- That's right. - Damn!

Well, now I feel bad because he done flewed us out,

and we been fucking-fucking.

- Many times too, girl, separately,

together, all the ways.

She pulled, I tugged.

- I tugged, she pulled.

But at least it's his old-ass fault.

- OK, bitch!

That's my husband that you're talking about.

Now, get the fuck out, and you can take the door,

or you can take this motherfucking window, bitch.

Which one you want?

Now, how many pistachios you gon' eat, bitch?

- Uh-uh! Don't go in there!

Tony wife in there. That bitch crazy, bitch.

Crazy!

- I can't believe that shit worked.

We back where we belong.

- All we got to do is burn the fucking sheets.

[knocking on door]

- Right on time, baby. Housekeeping.

Housekeeping! - I ain't no damn housekeeping.

I'm Tony Free's wife!

- OK, well, now, listen. - No, now, you listen!

Now, for years I have pretended that my husband wasn't

throwing his hot dog down every other hallway,

but today, this shit gon' stop.

- Ain't nobody throw no hot dog down my hallway

but my husband.

- Yeah, and my hallway has been hot dog free for a minute now

because, see, I'm newly single.

- Shut up!

I hired a private detective, and she told me

that there are two women that are staying next door to Tony.

- Well, we are, but it ain't us.

- Stop lying, heifer.

I can still smell his dick on your breath.

- Bitch, that's tuna!

- OK, now hold the fuck on.

You not gon' be-- - No, you hold on.

- Swinging at my sister's face. - Oh, you want something of me?

- Oh, I do want something! - No, no!

No, baby, baby, baby!

What is you doing?

I'm getting tired of you and this not trusting me thing.

That's Pat. She's my opening act.

That's her manager Denise.

And the only reason they are out here on this tour with me

is because Pat is as funny as you are gorgeous.

- Oh, I'm funnier than that shit.

- But other than that, ain't nothing happening.

- And he's right because I have too much anxiety

to sleep with somebody on life support.

- And I got too much class to sleep with people

that work at Dollar General.

Baby, you're overreacting again.

We talked about this, remember?

About how you wrong all the time?

- You two would tell me, woman to woman,

if something was going on out here on this tour?

- I'ma say something that has served me well all my life.

I ain't see shit.

- And Pat?

- This motherf-- - Baby!

Baby, did I mention--

did I mention that Pat is also gon' be

doing all my radio spots now?

I've taken it upon myself, I'ma make that woman famous.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Pat, did you see anything?

- If I saw this man cheating, would I really be

out here opening for him and doing his radio spots

for $500 extra a day?

- $500 a day radio?

- And then he said he was gonna give me an additional $250.

- Bitch, what is you talking-- no, no, no.

That's--that's right.

both: ♪ Reunited, and it feels so good ♪

- ♪ Ba-na-na-na-na, ba-ba-na ♪

- ♪ Reunited ♪ - ♪ Bum-bum-bum ♪

- If only Ma knew what we just went through

to keep her happy.

[phone ringing] - Oh, hold up.

Oh, it's the devil's deaconess.

It's your mama. Hey, y'all, gather in.

Let's say hi, all right. I'ma turn on the speaker.

Hey, baby!

- Hey, Ma. Are you rich and famous yet?

Because I got some debts to pay.

- Not yet, baby.

But y'all got that Rolex anywhere near?

- Yeah. - Yeah, it is.

- As a matter of fact, we was just admiring it

right when you called.

You want me to go and get it polished, baby?

- Fuck no. I want you to pawn it.

- Say what now?

- You heard me. I want y'all to pawn it.

Tony Free is a piece of shit, y'all,

and I'd rather have the cash.

- Well, at least now I can get my money back.

all: Damn!

- ♪ Reunited ♪

all: ♪ And it feels so-- ♪

Damn!

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With eight damn kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪