Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

[cheers and applause]

- Life always seem to hand us some random bullshit, don't it?

You wash your car, then it rain.

You wax your thang-thang, and he fall asleep.

By the time he notice you,

your thang-thang look like Chewbacca.

Every time something good happens,

something bad is always around the corner.

Y'all, that's the balance of life.

It's like a beautiful model with an extra toe.

Well, that bitch is unbalanced,

and she ain't gonna never get no shoe deal.

If it ain't my lovely agent.

What you got for me?

A tour with Tony Free?

Like a tourtour?

Wait a minute. Like a tour,

I ain't gonna get paid in food and drinks?

[laughs]

You know that nigga Tony Free is famous, right?

Look...

I ain't got to fuck for this, do I?

What you looking at?

Okay, okay, I can't wait for you to call me back.

Thank you so much.

- Come on back, Mrs. Carson.

- Look, Doc, you don't have to call me to the back

to let me know the reason why my nipples are sore

is because I'm going through menopause.

I already know my pussy dead.

- Actually, it's very much alive.

- What'd you say?

- You're pregnant.

- What'd you say?

- I said you're pregnant.

- I want dead pussy.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- What y'all in here watching?

- It's a true-crime show called

"He Made Me Slit His Grandmama's Throat."

- Yeah, it's wild.

It's about this woman whose boyfriend--

- Slit his grandmother's throat.

- Stop spoiling it!

- I'm just glad the grandmama had dementia.

She probably died thinking Aretha Franklin did it.

- Y'all sick freaks ever just watch a ball game?

Damn!

[thunder booms]

- Calm y'all ass down. It's just me.

Turn the TV off.

My agent called. Guess what.

- Aw, dang. You finally got canceled.

- Yeah, it was only a matter of time.

- And you really dead if they were trans or Jewish.

- Mm.

- My agent called to tell me I'm going on tour...

with Tony Free.

- Tony Free? Wow.

- Yeah, that dude is huge.

- Mama, that's crazy. I mean, you're gonna be famous.

- Wait, you said yes to a tour right now

without discussing it with me?

- You ain't my pimp.

- Well, baby, why wouldn't you talk to me first?

- How long is the tour?

- She says it's a six months gig.

- Six months?

- Yeah, we open in Buffalo next week.

- Next week?

- Yeah, what the fuck are you, a parrot?

Next week. I'm opening for Tony Free.

- Do you need an opener for an opener?

'Cause, you know, I could make myself available.

- What you gonna do, project boy?

Clap your ass before I come out?

- Are you sure you want to be gone all that time, Pat?

I mean, what about the kids?

- Oh, we'll be fine. Trust me.

- For real. Six months without Mama?

[scoffs] We've been praying for something like this.

- [chuckles]

- Shut the fuck up.

- See? I'm not gonna miss that.

- Terry, I need to talk to you privately.

- All right, baby.

[thunder booms] - Stop that shit!

[doorbell rings]

Ashley?

Why the fuck you look like you played on "The Purge"?

- I was just back in town, and I--

- I know. Come on in.

- Yo, you good, sis?

- I'm fine.

Uh, Ma, can I talk to you and Dad for a sec?

- Of course, baby.

- Come on in, brokenhearted.

- "Brokenhearted"? Is it that easy to tell I had a breakup?

- What? No.

- Who said that? - Breakup, where?

- Yeah, you look like shit.

- What? She does!

- Ah! You think you brought enough stuff, girl?

I'm about to pop a hernia.

- With a bag that big,

there can only be one or two things in it--

getaway clothes or a body.

- I wish it was a body.

- I take it things with you and that little girl

didn't go so well.

- We broke up. - You lyin'?

- Pat.

- Don't "Pat" me, Terry! - Don't "Terry" me, Pat!

- I put cameras in the house after you left.

I saw everything.

- I told you that nigga bitch wasn't no good!

- Well, you don't have to be so sad.

- I'm sorry.

I just get excited when you tell me that I'm right.

- I never said you were right.

- No, but I can see that shit stuck in your throat.

- Fine, I guess you weren't off target about her.

- That's the best you gonna get.

- And I apologize for not listening to you sooner.

I just really thought she was special, you know?

- Your daddy was, too...

special ed.

- You deserve a lot better

than what that girl gave you, Ashley.

- Don't worry, baby.

You gonna find you a good woman

who know how to keep her detachable dick to herself.

- I appreciate that, Mom. [chuckles]

The whole situation just got to be too much.

I packed whatever I could fit in that bag, and I just drove.

- Well, came to the right place.

You know we always got you.

- Is it okay if I crash here with y'all for a bit?

[thunder rumbles] - Of course you can.

As long as you need.

- How long you talking?

[thunder booms, shouting]

- Damn it.

- That storm ain't playing no games.

- Terry, go down to the garage

and, uh, get that cooler so we can put the food in there

in case the lights go back out.

- I was in there this morning. I ain't seen no cooler.

Why don't you come show me, baby?

- Boy, you just want me to come down there

so you can tune me up?

- I don't want you in no musty-ass garage.

- Guys! Ew.

I'm trying to heal over here.

- I'm waiting on my agent to call.

There's no signal down there.

- Well, baby, we coming right back.

Come on, now. - [sighs]

Look, if my agent call, make sure you answer, okay?

- Okay.

Ma. - What?

- Thank you.

- You know I got your back.

[thunder booms] - Goodness gracious!

[cell phone ringing, thunder booms]

- Uh, hello?

- Is this Mrs. Carson? - Yeah.

- Due to storms in the area,

your appointment needs to be rescheduled.

- My appointment?

- Yes, with the Logan Abortion Clinic.

- Uh, I'm gonna need to call you back.

[softly] Abortion?

[scoffs]

- Oh, hey! I was just about to come find you.

Here's a blanket 'cause Mom likes to use the thermostat

to fight her menopause at night.

- [chuckles] You're sweet.

Merci. - De rien.

- You know, I haven't heard you talk

much about this new boyfriend of yours.

- [scoffs] TreyQ'uan is not my boyfriend.

Okay, not yet. - Mm-hmm.

You know you can tell me anything, right?

- Yeah, of course.

- Then why you ain't telling me?

- Telling you what?

- Girl, we got to work on your "deceivery."

Look, I picked up Mom's phone,

and it was a call from an abortion clinic

saying your appointment has been changed.

- Myappointment?

- Janelle, I know it's not Mom 'cause those tubes are tied.

You're the only other-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not pregnant.

Ain't no ship sailed these waters.

- Not even a life raft?

- Not even a floatie.

And even if I did, I wouldn't be telling Mama.

- That's real.

But if it's not you and it's not her, then...

both: Auntie Denise.

- That makes a lot of sense.

Maybe that's why she started drinking again.

Dang!

She been trying to get rid of that baby since jump.

- [scoffs] Yeah, that's got to be it, then, unless--

you don't think Junebug knocked some girl up.

- Junebug...having sex?

[both laughing]

- That was too far. - You went there.

[thunder rumbling]

- Denise, I need to tell you something,

but you can't tell nobody.

- Girl, when have I ever told anybody your business?

Girl, when have I recently told anybody your business?

- Listen, I went to the doctor today,

and the doctor said I'm pregnant.

- [laughing]

You working on some new material for your tour?

[chuckles] That shit good, Pat.

- I'm for real!

- Pat, you can't be pregnant. Your tubes are tied.

- Apparently by a damn kindergartener.

- Well, damn.

- But I'm not gonna keep it. I'm getting an abortion.

- Oh, wow.

- Look, I have to. I don't know how this happened.

- I mean, it's probably the best thing to do.

I support you, Pat-Pat.

- Really? That means a lot.

- I mean, of course. You can't be having no baby right now.

You old as fuck, your uterus is weak as fuck,

and that baby probably gonna be slow as fuck.

- You keep talking, you gonna be sore as fuck.

- Sorry. Have you told Terry yet?

- No, he's gonna be devastated.

- Oh, I mean, you can always go old school.

[chuckles]

- This ain't 1945!

I ain't using no damn clothes hanger!

- Bitch, are you crazy?

I was not telling you to use no clothes hanger.

I was offering to push your ass down the stairs.

- Hey, Auntie. - Hey, nephew.

- What's wrong with you?

You just finished measuring yourself again?

- No, I just heard this crazy rumor.

- About who?

- I don't know if I should say anything, Ma.

- Boy, you better tell me

before I throw you on this ground

and bounce my titties off your head.

- Denise is pregnant.

Well, at least that's just what I heard.

Is it true, Ma?

- Yeah.

Your auntie done went and got herself knocked up

by that white man.

Now you about to have you a mixed cousin...

your own little Drake running around here.

- Wow.

- But, look, you know they just broke up,

so she going through a lot.

So you can't say nothing, okay?

'Cause she don't know what she gonna do.

You promise? - I promise.

- I know your ass. You promisepromise?

- Fine. I promisepromise.

Ugh.

- Aunt Denise is pregnant.

Y'all were right.

A-and I actually do do the sex stuff.

- Wait, how do you know Aunt Denise is pregnant?

- Well, 'cause Mama told me

and she made me promisepromise to keep it a secret.

- And that's why I don't tell you shit.

- Okay, well, look, she also said

that Denise hasn't decided what she wants to do with the baby.

[thunder booms, branch cracks]

- Oh, it's just a branch.

- What is Aunt Denise doing outside?

- I know she's not smoking a cigarette.

She gonna make that baby cross-eyed.

Smoking is bad for pregnancies, right?

- Yeah, well, whatever she decides to do,

it's her choice.

- Yes, Janelle, we're all impressed

about how woke you are.

- Shut up. - [chuckles]

Well, if she does decide to keep it,

she's definitely gonna regret smoking that.

- We got to save Drake, y'all.

I mean Da Baby.

Just come the hell on!

- Okay.

- Oh, uh-uh.

- [coughs] - God.

- What the fuck? - No, Aunt Denise.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

It's just some tobacco, damn. It's the one thing I can smoke.

- Cigarettes are bad for you, too.

- Especially in your condition.

- My "condition"? You mean pissed off?

Because that's my current condition.

- Look, you need to take better care of yourself, Auntie, okay?

That's all. We just want to help you.

- Well, you can start by going to get my smokies

and putting 'em back in my goddamn hand.

- Auntie, just come inside, okay?

We'll take care of everything, whatever you need.

- Mm-hmm. - Whatever I need?

- Yeah, yeah. - Come on, there you go.

- Y'all acting strange as hell.

But if y'all want to take care of me, let's roll.

- Oh, my God, your ankles are so swollen.

- Get this little bastard away from me.

- [chuckles] Well, you know, speaking of bastards--

- [clears throat]

- Auntie, you want something to drink?

We can make you something nice and refreshing--what you want?

- And if we don't have it here, we'll just go to the store.

- And if they don't have it at that store,

then we'll go to a second store.

- Okay, what is wrong with y'all?

Y'all want money? 'Cause you do know

American Express calls me five times a day, right?

- Can't we just spoil our auntie?

- Well, all right, then. Fuck it.

Let me get some lemonade, extra lemony.

- Coming right up!

- Yes, it is about time somebody started

treating me like the queen I am around here.

- Yep, and we're hoping you change your mind

about having that little prince.

- Or princess.

- Or whomever they or them choose to be.

- Her children are gonna be so confused.

- Why are y'all treating me like I'm pregnant?

- Wait, aren't you?

- Here's your lemonade, Auntie.

- Y'all know it's twins?

- "Twins"?

- Oh!

[indistinct excited chatter]

- Man! Oh, I'm gonna be two big cousins!

And look at you-- already showing.

- If you don't get the fuck back...

- Uh, sorry, sorry.

He will not do that again.

- Now y'all gonna have to take care of me twice as good.

[laughs] Which reminds me,

that don't look lemony enough. - Mm-mm.

How lemony you want it, Auntie?

- That it makes my ass pucker.

- Pat, you okay?

- Yeah.

Remember when I tried to talk to you today

before Ashley ran in with her broken heart?

- Oh, yeah. What's up, baby?

- I got some good news and bad news.

- Go on.

- But the bad news is gonna cancel out the good news.

- What you trying to say? - I'm trying to say--

[siren blaring]

Oh, boy. That's the tornado siren.

- It's some serious shit in this part of the country.

- Baby, we got to get the kids and Denise.

We got to get down to the basement now.

Janelle! Brandon! Ashley! Junebug! Denise!

- Terry, when you gonna finish this basement?

- When Brandon moves out.

- Welcome to my domicile.

Now, some people like to call this a basement.

I like to call it a one-story walk down.

Please make yourself at home.

Just make sure you don't touch my gaming compound!

It is worth more than all of your lives.

- You bought all this Atari stuff

just from showing your butt cheeks?

- Shit, project boy be letting them old bitches have it.

- Oh, Auntie, take this chair. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Get comfortable. - Oh.

- Easy.

- Uh, why y'all treating Denise like Beyoncé?

- And where the fuck y'all get grapes from?

- Uh, we just thought that we should, uh---

- We'd be kind to our auntie.

- Because she's pregnant with twins.

I'm sorry.

I'm messy, and I love drama.

- [scoffs] Aunt Denise, you're pregnant?

Wait, how old are you, again?

- Enough of this crap, y'all. Denise, ain't having no baby.

- Can you let a bitch have something for once?

- Oh, uh-uh. - Give me that.

- Why would your sister say she's having a baby

if she's not?

- She was covering for me.

- I'm not following.

- Remember when I was trying to talk to you upstairs today?

I was trying to tell you I'm pregnant.

[thunder booms]

- Boy!

- Wait. So is this one real or...?

- Mighty real, son.

- But how can that be?

I thought we got your tubes tied.

- I guess you knocked 'em loose.

- Oh, disgusting!

- What the hell are you talking about?

Don't you know that's how you got here--

by me riding your dad?

- Oh, oh! Disgusting! Disgusting!

- Why are you staring at me like that, Terry?

- It's just taking me time to process, Pat. I...

I am so...

excited about us having another baby!

- No, we're not having no baby.

- Um, okay...

I guess I'll just ask the question

that everybody's wondering.

Um, Mama, if you not having a baby, then what are you having?

[Junebug grumbling]

- See, this is why I can't risk

having another one of these stupid motherfuckers.

- You talking about...

No. No.

- I already made the appointment.

- Un-make it, then, Pat.

- It's my choice.

- Your choice? Huh?

You--you think I ain't got nothing--

no kind of say-so in none of this, huh?

You just gonna go ahead

and do what the hell you gonna do, Pat?

- I'm grown.

- Terry.

T? - Yeah, Denise.

- How about you go upstairs and calm down?

'Cause you don't want to be doing this

in front of the kids.

- You right, Denise.

At least there's one woman in this house who is.

[thunder booms]

Brandon, Junebug, y'all come on up here

and help me find some candles and flashlights.

Come on, now.

- You should've just let me push your ass down the stairs.

- Chair's comfy, ain't it, Pat-Pat?

I really miss being pregnant.

- You were never pregnant.

- Excuse me.

Those twins were my everything.

I even had their names picked out.

I'ma miss little Denise Junior and Michael B. Jordan.

The "B" was for "baby."

- [sighs] I support your decision, Ma.

- You do? - Of course.

I'm always for a woman's right to choose,

even if that woman is my mother

and I might be missing out on an adorable baby sister.

- Not to mention the health aspect.

You had a difficult pregnancy with Junebug,

so you should do whatever is safest.

- Plus, you old as fuck.

- You already said that, Denise.

- No, she's right, though, Ma.

35 and up is considered a geriatric pregnancy,

and you way older than that.

- Thank you, Janelle.

I'm gonna sign up for my AARP subscription.

So we all agree this is a good idea, right?

- And be glad you still have the choice.

That choice is in jeopardy every day.

- That's the truth. It is sick what they're doing

to women's rights in this country.

- Motherfuckers always trying to make baby laws

when they dick don't work no more.

- You know, I actually think Kanye said it best when--

- Oh, I'd love to hear what Kanye said best.

- Well, Ye makes some good points about abortion.

- Ye shouldn't be weighing in at all.

This is a woman's issue,

and only women should have a say-so.

It's our bodies! - All right, everybody shut up!

- Well, nice to see that you cooled off.

- Not in the mood, Denise.

- Okay, so nobody in here cares that I lost a baby today?

- Now, frankly, it doesn't matter

what any one of y'all think about this, all right?

This is between your mother and me--

Pat and me.

I deserve to have a part in this decision.

Now, I need to speak with your mama.

Y'all go and talk amongst yourselves.

- But you just told us to shut up.

- Brandon, Janelle, would you please hit your brother for me?

Now, look, I'm just gonna say this plain.

I want us to have this baby.

That procedure goes against everything I believe in.

- I know, but-- - And I cannot believe

that you would want to do something like this.

- It's my decision, Terry.

This is my pussy.

If I want to stick firecrackers in and turn it

into the Fourth of July, it's my pussy.

All I need you to do is just bring the barbecue

and the beer.

- Fine. But we're a team.

We're going through this life together.

Why don't you want to have a baby with me, Pat?

- Oh, tornado, kill us all.

- Answer me, Pat.

- There's a million reasons

why I don't want to have no baby, Terry.

- Okay, baby, give me-- just give me one, huh?

- 'Cause I don't want to start over.

I got a life now, and my career is starting to take off.

Fuck them kids.

- All right, well, then be the--

the pregnant comedian, huh?

Let that be your hook.

- Do I look like Ali Wong?

We old.

Do you really want to be at the park with a baby

pushing the damn baby on a swing and your back go out?

You're gonna have a seizure

trying to blow damn bubbles with the baby.

I can see you at the graduation now--

done forgot the damn baby name,

cheering for somebody you don't even know.

- What? Come on, now, girl. I ain't that old.

- I'm in my late 40s.

The shit is dangerous-- dangerous for the baby and me.

- Okay.

That's valid. I guess I didn't think that part through.

- That's 'cause men don't never think about shit.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- And look at all these crazy motherfuckers over here.

They keep coming, but nobody leaving.

- I love how you love our kids, Pat.

Ashley...

[scoffs] Full grown...

still know she got a place to stay

in the middle of the night,

showing up in crisis, completely broken--

- Ooh-ooh. Who broken?

That bitch ain't break me.

- Ashley, shut your broken ass up.

- Point is...

we--we love our kids, right?

Ain't no question about that.

That parent-child love is godlike.

- You can only give that kind of love so many times.

I'm exhausted.

- I hear you, Pat.

But...

can we just do it one more time?

- My mind's made up.

I don't care what you put in me,

but ain't nothing coming out of me.

- Okay, do what you want to do. It's your choice.

[clears throat] I ain't gonna hold it over your head.

All right?

But no matter what...

I'm never gonna be okay with it.

- You're gonna have to be.

[cell phones chiming] - Ooh, yes.

- Storm's passed. We're good.

- Good. Let's go back upstairs.

It smells like piss down here. - Mm-hmm.

- [clearing throat]

- Just talk, nigga!

- Look, you don't have to leave now,

but the Wi-fi's back on,

and I need to mow down some 12-year-olds.

- At least he's only killing kids in a video game.

- I don't say shit when you be masturbating.

All them dead-ass babies.

It stinks down here.

I need to take you to Bath & Body Works.

- How you doing?

- Oh, you know,

I just stress-ate an entire box of cereal.

- Hmm. I've been there.

Of course, I was on hard drugs at the time.

- Denise, I'm having trouble...

supporting this...

a...

ab...

[sighs]

I really can't even say the word.

- You know you being selfish with this whole thing, right?

- What you mean?

- Well, I mean, you're putting everything off on Pat.

Think about it.

She went to get her tubes tied, but you ain't get no vasectomy.

- I'm not doing that. - Exactly.

That's my point.

You trying to force her to do something,

but she would never force you.

- Is that, uh, where you sit on this whole...

- Abortion, Terry. Just say the shit.

You ain't gonna go to hell, I promise.

- Abortion. - Oh, shit!

I see you still here.

- Y'all talking about me?

- [clears throat] Pat, um...

I-I-I know what I said yesterday...

but after sleeping on it, I...

I cannot support this abortion.

- It's too late.

- What you mean?

- I did it this morning.

- What?

Why would you do that?

- 'Cause this is my body.

- And you're my wife.

- You don't fucking own me, Terry.

- Who the hell you think you talking to like that, huh?

You can't take that away from me without me being there.

That's my damn child. That is my child, Pat.

- It ain't nobody's now.

Oh, this where we at now?

Fucking hands off me.

- [slams refrigerator]

[door slams]

- It's my fucking body, Terry!

[bowl clatters]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman with family and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪