Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- There's a thin line between loving your family

and minding your damn business.

If your sister gonna just let that guy keep beating on her,

all I got to say is whup his ass and teach her how to duck.

If your brother can't do right, just can't do right,

well, let him be wrong.

Climbing a mountain is hard enough,

and it's even harder when you got somebody tied to you.

Don't pull 'em up.

Teach they ass how to climb.

And if that don't work, cut the fucking rope.

[cheers and applause]

Terry, why you eating in bed?

I better not wake up

with no damn tomatoes stuck to my ass.

- What you huffin' and puffin' about?

You still mad at Ashley? - No.

She should be mad at herself for being stupid.

- Let her live her life. You did all you can do.

- What about Denise? - What about her?

- Am I doing all I can do?

I mean, she wouldn't be drinking if I wasn't gone.

- Look, baby, you can't do that to yourself.

So she had a little relapse,

but she got right back on the wagon.

- Man, that damn wagon got Patrón on it.

- You paranoid, baby.

You just stressing yourself out, okay?

Denise and I had a great time this weekend.

She's doing better.

- Terry, she threw up just last week.

Her fuckin' favorite green wig

fell off in the toilet and drowned.

- But then she picked herself right back up.

She's happy, baby. She's motivated.

Hell, she's even selling that Denise Grease

at the Black Expo tomorrow.

- Exactly.

If she happy and motivated, that means she still drinking.

- Stop worrying about your sister and get over here.

I got a little something to help you take your mind off it.

- It better be some curly fries.

- I already ate those.

- My titties is sore, and I'm going through menopause.

The only thing I want between my fuckin' legs

is a fan with some mist.

- Fine, okay, but you got to stop letting your sister

wear you down, all right?

We need to focus on you and pursuing your goals.

You just signed to the biggest comedy agent

in the game.

Focus on that. - Thank you, Terry.

But I know you just trying to fuck.

- I'm not trying to--

Well, yes.

But I'm also being serious.

- Nobody knows my sister like I do.

If she's ever gonna get better,

I'm gonna be the one to have to get her there.

- Yeah, but the sex, baby.

We was gonna have the sex.

- Go to sleep, Terry, to sleep.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- I got that ass, Terry!

- Girl, you know how much almond milk cost?

Three dollars just fell out my nose!

- Look. Denise.

- Oh, okay. - It's a flask.

- How you know it's Denise's?

- It says, "Don't try, bitch.

I'm Denise's." - Oh, damn.

- And, look, it barely a drop in here.

Look, we got to get down there to that Black Expo

'cause she gonna mess up her business

and she gonna embarrass herself.

Plus, she got white-ass Elizabeth

down there with her...

at a Black Expo! - Yeah.

Well, baby, I guess I steered you

in the wrong path this time, Pat.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, look, I'll drive you down there.

- Thank you, baby. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, but, uh, before we do something crazy,

do you know for a fact that that flask

had liquor in it? - Smell it.

It smell like tequila and fresh fucking depression.

- I'm good. I believe you.

Let's go on down to that expo.

I heard they got some deep-fried wedding cake

and chitlin-flavored ice cream.

Mmm-mmm!

- Lord, why did I marry a jigaboo?

- Hey, Siri? - Yes?

- Which way are you supposed to turn your tongue

when kissing?

- I have found results for "Which way to turn your"--

- Ah, ah! Hey. [chuckles]

Sergio, Ryan, my boys. [chuckles]

- We're just glad your parents are letting us come over again.

- They're not. They're just not home right now.

So you guys got to sneak out in about an hour.

- Well, hurry up, then. What's going on?

- Okay, so remember that girl Megan from the mall,

the one I've been talking to at the pretzel place?

- Girl? Isn't she, like, 30?

- No.

She's 29.

- Whoa.

You're dating a middle-aged woman.

- We're not dating, but, you know,

she has been dropping hints about us...

you know. - Oh.

So you're saying this lady might be down to smash?

- Man, I don't believe you. Hit her up, then.

I want to see if she flirts with you.

- "Hey, Megan.

Thinking about you."

Sent.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, my God. - Is that her--

- Yes.

It looks just like my sister's Barbie dolls.

Good times.

- It looks like a crooked mouth with no teeth.

- Well, man, I know that you're not scared.

- No, I'm not scared.

I just never seen one so up close before.

She must have that new iPhone.

- There's no way you're ready for an older woman like that.

- Maybe not, but I'ma get ready.

- How? - I'll tell you how.

I just bought a pocket pussy off Amazon--

best purchase I ever made.

- Yeah, yeah, that--that could work.

You know what? I can use Brandon's log-in info.

- Oh, you don't got to waste the money.

You could just borrow mine.

- There's not enough soap in the world.

- Hey, uh, do you think

that maybe I can please borrow it maybe?

- Y'all got to leave my house.

[indistinct chatter]

- Denise Grease. Got that Denise Grease.

- The best technique for edge peace.

- Yeah, taking an oath for hair growth, people.

[laughs] - Oh, hi!

Why don't you come on over here

and let me help you catch those runaway edges?

- I know who this is,

and it's a little too late for her edges.

Pat, what are you doing here?

- You know how much Terry like the Black Expo.

So I came to see if you needed some help.

- I got Elizabeth. She got me.

- Oh, hi!

So this product works on 2A, 3A, and 4A.

It latches with the convalescent bond

right at the root.

- Is she trying to tell me about Black hair?

Girl, bye.

And you should know better.

- Well, wait. Come back.

We Black-owned.

We just ain't Black-employed.

- See, I told you you was gonna need some help.

- I try, but somehow it always ends up being a mess.

- Just like Denise-- last time I left her alone,

she ended up at the dick-swingin' club,

trying to take her nephew to the champagne room.

- Yeah, I was wasted, and I had taken a couple of pills,

in my defense.

- What fucking defense is that--Rick James?

- Okay, can you move?

'Cause we trying to sell some grease over here.

And I know that I slipped up, Pat,

but I'm not drinking anymore.

- Well, what is this?

- That's Denise's flask, bitch. You can't read?

Where'd you find it, behind the water heater?

- No, behind the dryer.

How many fucking flasks you got at my house, Denise?

- Just two...

I think.

But those are old.

And I swear, I have been as sober as a Mormon.

I haven't touched 'em since I started the meetings.

- I don't believe you. - Okay.

Well, then come with me to a meeting, and you'll see.

- Let's go. - Oh, I can't leave her here

by herself. - Sure you can.

- Ooh-hoo, your hair is so funky.

Can I touch that?

Oh!

- Hey, what's up, Bug? You call me?

- Uh, yeah. I wanted to see

if I could use your Prime password.

- What you trying to buy? 'Cause I'm not trying

to have you mess up my recommendations

or seeing my, um...

- Well, look... [clears throat]

I got this situation with this girl at the mall.

- Okay, Bug. Yo, is that the little cutie

that work at the Cinnabon? - No.

- The big-ass goth girl that work at Hot Topic?

- No, it's the one-- - Don't tell me

it's that little AMC Theatres honey with the little lazy eye.

- What? Brandon.

How much time are you spending at the mall?

Look, she works at the Twisted Pretzel.

- Oh!

Yeah, I don't know her.

Yeah, I only fuck with Auntie Anne's.

- Okay, well, the thing with this girl is she's older,

like, a lot older.

But I can tell she really likes me.

- Okay, but are you sure that this older woman likes you?

'Cause, uh, girls your age don't even like you.

Matter of fact, girls of all ages don't like you.

- Brandon, I'm sure, like, really sure.

- All right, Junebug. Look at you--junior pimp.

- Yeah, and, you know, I wanted to practice

on one of those...

pocket thingies. - Oh.

- That's why I needed your log-in.

- Listen, you don't need no machinery.

All you need is some advice from your big brother.

Go ahead and sit down. I got you.

- Okay. - All right.

Now, you know my first time was with an older woman, too.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Now, I'm gonna get you on your stroke game,

but the first thing you got to know is--

got to know to strap up.

- Like shin guards? - No.

Um, you remember them condoms that I gave you last year?

- Oh, right. - Yeah.

Now, you never want to do it without a condom.

- Mm-hmm. - 'Cause, uh--

[laughs] Man, it only makes you want to do it without a condom.

[laughs]

Okay, so the second thing to worry about

is finishing too fast.

Girls hate that.

Now, what I do when I feel it coming on, I, uh...

I think of Grandmama naked.

- Ew! No, that's nasty!

- Hey, listen, I'm not proud of it, but it works.

- [groans]

- Listen, we got a long day ahead of us.

Next thing I'ma teach you

how to spell the alphabet with your tongue.

- Hey, uh, is Mom or Dad around?

I need to speak to an adult. - Well, I'm an adult.

They're not here, Janelle, so what's up?

- Okay, well, listen...

I overheard from one of his little booger-eating friends

that Junebug might be hooking up

with a 30-year-old.

- Come on, now. She's only 29.

- But wait-- you know about this?

- Yeah, ain't it crazy? - Yeah, it's also a felony.

- Well, I don't see Junebug pressing charges any time soon.

[laughs] - Well, how would you feel

if some 30-year-old man tried to hook up with me?

- Uh-uh, hell, nah. That ain't happening.

I wish a nigga would. - See?

It's a double standard.

It's wrong if a man does it to a girl,

and it's equally wrong if a woman does it to a boy.

- Nah, it's just that boys mature faster.

- I'ma pass out. - Okay.

Janelle, Junebug is going to be fine, okay?

He's just growing up,

and he's following in his big brother's footsteps.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I lost my cactus flower to a older woman, too.

Yeah, Cousin Demarco said that when I turned 15,

it was time for me to become a man and poke something.

- Cousin Demarco touched you?

- What? Ew! Janelle, no.

- Oh. - He just paid for everything.

Not everybody in this family has been abused.

- You slept with a sex worker at 15?

Oh, that's so messed up.

Dang, Brandon, you're a victim.

- Well, uh... [chuckles]

I ain't feel like no victim.

- That is disturbing.

- Okay, to you, it is, all right?

But for us, I mean, it's just part of the process.

A woman with more experience teaches us stuff

so we don't mess up with girls our age.

- Yeah, but that process is messed up.

Look, you just don't realize it yet,

but all those women and everyone involved

are sexual predators.

- I think you mean sexual angels...

because I turned out okay, all right?

It's not like I got any weird sex issues or anything.

Now... [clears throat] If you'll excuse me,

I need to wax my ass before I start my next shift

at the strip club.

- I don't understand why I had to come to this AA meeting.

- You want your wife to be surrounded

by all these addicts?

- You be just fine at your family reunions.

Oh! [coughs]

Uh, Denise, I think this the wrong room.

This isn't an AA meeting.

- These people don't even look like they desperate.

- Well, who said anything about AA?

I said a meeting.

A meeting is where people meet.

- Why you bring us

to this fake-ass Pottery Barn swap meet?

- Hey, hey, baby, calm down, now.

I'm sure she has a great explanation.

- Well, actually, Terry, she doesn't need to calm down.

That's why we're all here.

This is a rage kintsugi class.

- You got us at a Ken Coochi class?

- Pat, I said "kintsugi."

- And who is this nigga, Ken Coochi?

- Kintsugi is the Japanese practice

of repairing broken pottery with gold.

- You ain't Japanese.

Now, you know you done stole them people culture.

- We break these items so as to vent,

and we repair these items so as to heal.

- Ooh!

- See? Broken.

But we have the power to put ourselves back together.

- How high are you?

- Denise, show her how you vent your anger.

Mm.

- Oh, I'ma need something bigger than that.

- Like a Crown Royal bottle?

- Crown Royal bottle.

Yes! Jesus, that felt good!

[Terry grunts]

- Susan?

- Uh-huh? - Now it's your turn.

- [softly] Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, that's-- Take that.

- That's all you got?

- Try to think of something that happened to you recently

that really triggered your rage.

- Well...

Starbucks did spell my name wrong this morning.

- Mm.

- How hard is it to spell Susan, you bitch!

Oh.

- God damn, S-U-S-A-N, you don't fuck around.

- Try it. I think you'll like it.

- We don't do this new-age bullshit, sir.

[bowl shatters] - Whoa!

- What the fuck are you doing, Terry?

- I feel whole again.

- You came in this bitch whole.

- Focus on something that always gives you rage.

- Y'all motherfuckers crazy around here,

just throwing dishes away.

- Mm.

Mildred. Oh, shit.

Terry, Denise, Lauren.

All you motherfuckers made me crazy!

Hey, you might be on to something, Ken Coochi.

[Ludacris & Shawnna's "What's Your Fantasy" plays]

- ♪ I want to li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ ♪

- All right, stop. Stop! Enough!

- Come on, we paid for that ass.

- Paid? This can't be bought.

There ain't no collagen in this ass.

Damn.

- Yo, you like them poking

and touching all on you like that?

- I mean, it's part of the job.

- Nah, giving a show is part of the job.

They doing a little bit more than that.

- Yeah, I mean, technically, that was considered fingering.

- [scoffs] Damn. Pivot.

Listen, they can't do nothing you don't let 'em do.

I don't care how much money they throwin'.

- Hey, yo, let me ask you something, Mighty.

- You can call me Mr. Long. - Uh, no, thanks.

Listen, um, the first time you had sex,

was it with a older woman?

- Hell, yeah, wasn't everybody?

Shit, it was my 12th birthday, man.

My uncle had me suck this old lady's titties.

- 12? Don't you think that was, like, mighty wrong?

- Hell, no, she's still my best customer.

- He was Mighty Long even back then.

- Damn. Maybe Janelle's right.

- Her name ain't Janelle. It's Margaret.

And them titties off-limits now--them is mines.

And, brother, they go all the way to the floor.

I got to crawl to lick them nipples.

Titties got drawstrings on 'em.

♪ ♪

- Come on, now, baby, show us your Glock, project boy.

- Okay, you know what? [chuckles] No. No, thanks.

- Buh, buh, buh, this piece of sexual chocolate

just said no.

- If we wanted to hear "No," we would be at a regular club.

- Listen, would you two stop preying on me?

Check your damn hearing aids.

No means no.

- And yes means yes.

[crowd cheering]

- Hey, hey! Where you going?

You still got 20 minutes left on your shift.

- My body, my choice.

- Lord...

good hos are hard to find round here.

- So what's going on with Megan, man?

Did you get it in yet?

- Ah, nah, you know, I've been meaning to blow her back out,

but just haven't been to the mall

for a pretzel in a minute.

- Dude, what are you waiting for?

It's time to seal this deal.

- Junebug, this cannot happen.

It's wrong.

And if it was a man, you would call it assault.

- No, I'd call it disgusting.

Now, please, stay out of my business, Janelle.

- Okay, fine.

But if you decide to do this,

you're gonna wind up living in the basement

for the rest of your life.

- Brandon lives in the basement,

so there's no more room.

- Okay, yes, but the "metaphorical basement."

[sighs]

[cell phone chimes]

- Oh, uh, it's Megan.

- Oh!

- She sent the address to her apartment.

[cell phone chimes]

She said come at 7:00 and bring condoms.

- Condoms? That's so hot.

- She got an apartment? Damn.

She's ancient.

- So what you gonna do, bro?

- I guess I, uh, got to tear that ass up.

- Yeah. - Tear it up!

- How are we enjoying the experience?

Putting those pieces back together?

- I liked it better when we broke shit.

- That's 'cause you like destruction.

- Okay, Mr. Fix-It.

- Hey, if I learn how to do this and my regular therapy,

I'll be just like Nelson Mandela.

- [laughs]

Now, Pat, can't you see how this can be helpful?

- Putting pieces together

ain't gonna magically fix shit, Denise.

- It's a process, Pat.

I mean, breaking this shit into little pieces

and putting it back together with gold is just a reminder.

- A reminder of what? - That it's possible.

- Oh. That's so beautiful.

And I can feel it,

but I still think you need a real AA meeting.

- I tried AA.

I was the only Black person in there.

I could never be myself.

- Ain't no niggas in here either.

- Pat, this is helping Denise.

We should encourage her. - Yeah.

And, hey, maybe you two could use it to help yourselves.

- What you talking about, honey?

'Cause I only drink Olive Garden wine

at Olive Garden.

- You don't drink, but you got messed-up mama problems

and an Ashley problem and your hair.

- Oh, if it ain't the elbow calling the kneecap ashy.

You just found out your daddy wasn't your daddy.

- Exactly.

So that's why we all need all this healing in our lives.

- And there's never a good time to remind everyone

that Rachel will be processing your payment of $300

for your broken items before you leave.

- You pay this nigga $300 for this shit?

- Girl, no, I still got Lee's credit card.

- Ooh. - What you doing?

- I'm getting the fuck out of here before we get robbed.

I'ma take me a 12-piece set with me.

Grab some shit!

- What are you guys doing?

- Stopping you from making a mistake.

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, no, I was just going--

- Oh, we know where your little nasty self was going.

- Yeah, we went down to the mall to have a talk with Megan

to make sure she wasn't trying to link up

and twist your pretzel.

- We made it very clear

that if she does anything like this again,

we're going to the police... - Mm-hmm.

- The FBI... - Mm-hmm.

- And the M-A-M-A.

- What's the M-A-- both: Mama.

- Look, I am, uh, really, really sorry, bro.

- [sighs] Nah, thank God.

- Wait, you're not mad?

- Uh-uh. I'm relieved.

Shoot, I was gonna tell her I was sick

so I didn't have to go through with it.

[sighs] Man, I was scared as hell.

- Yeah, that's on me.

Um, I should've been honest with you.

[exhales sharply] Listen, the truth is

that when I got pressured into doing it,

I was terrified, too. - For real?

- Nah, it was actually the best night of my life.

But I wasn't the adult in the situation.

I mean, if that would've happened to a girl,

it would've been sexual misuse.

- Abuse. - That's what I said.

But when it happens to us, it's just part of being a man,

mainly because we love it.

I mean, yo, we really, really love it.

- I want to love it.

- You will, all right?

But when it's time.

Look, I did it too soon,

and that's why Janelle says that I have...

Wait, what do I have again? - Unresolved issues with sex.

- Right, those.

Probably why I love stripping so much.

It gives me power, control, some agency.

[laughs]

I be having insights lately. - Uh-huh.

Look, our generation doesn't have to do

what everyone else thinks is "normal."

- Good.

Want to go play video games?

- Yeah, let's do it. - [laughs]

Hey, how good did Megan look, though?

- Ah, it doesn't matter. - Yeah.

Man, it really doesn't matter, all right?

And, honestly, she was way too old for you, anyway.

- You got her number, didn't you?

- I'ma break it in for you.

- What you got there, Terry? - A package for Junebug.

[grunts]

I didn't even know he had an account.

- You do know that opening up someone else's mail

is a federal crime, right?

- Girl, kids ain't got no rights

unless somebody touching them.

- What the hell is this, a flashlight?

- It's a thermos.

- Pocket pussy.

What?

That's the only time I let another bitch

in the bedroom.

- Junebug bought this?

- Why the bitch white?

- Ah...just the person we looking for.

- See, Pat?

If I was still drinking, now, this shit would be funny.

But it's just sad.

- What in the devil is this contraption?

- Mm-hmm, that's what we was gonna ask you.

- Uh, I've never seen anything like it before.

- You becoming a man, son.

Get the pussy and forget her name.

- Sit.

Listen, now, I know you getting older

and you got certain curiosities,

but, uh, you too young to be buying stuff like this.

- Well, he didn't, 'cause it's mine.

- You too old to be buying stuff like this.

- I just get lonely sometimes.

- Nigga, you the only stripper I know

that don't get no real pussy.

- Brandon, uh, you know, I don't agree

with your occupation, son,

but, please, do not deliver any of this nastiness

to my house ever again, son, you hear me?

- Yes, sir. You got it.

No more nasty. - All right, now.

Your mother and I are going to bed.

[exhales deeply]

- I don't share my dick.

What, we gonna have a ménage a toy?

- Thanks, man. [chuckles] I owe you one.

- No, you don't, 'cause I'm keeping this.

I'ma break it in for you.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman with family and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪