Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- One thing in life we all learn:

sometimes you gotta fuck up to find out.

Just ask the President.

As a parent, it's hard to watch your child be stupid

the same way you were stupid, even though you tell

they stupid ass not to be stupid.

Some people who can't swim know not to get they ass in the pool

and other motherfuckers ain't gonna be happy till they drown.

- All right, I'll send my paperwork in today.

Yes, it's an honor to be a part of the Black Expo.

By honor I mean yours. [laughs]

No, Denise Grease is gonna shut it down.

I promise.

Okay, bye.

Yes.

Yes.

Things are looking up, bitch.

[laughs]

- Don't forget to set the trash out on Tuesday

and pick up Janelle from her debate class

on Wednesday and please don't forget

to set your funky-ass shoes out at night.

- Pat, first off, my shoes don't stink.

- You right, baby. Your feet do.

- And so does your navel.

- Well, look, girl, you only going to Chicago for two days.

What you so nervous about?

- 'Cause it's one of the biggest shows

of my career. Andie Stein is gonna be there.

- Andie Stein, that's that big-time comedy agent

you was talking about?

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You said that she fights real hard for her clients, right?

- Literally. She put a small person

in a headlock for talking about one of her clients.

That's how she got on pills.

She pulled her back out when she bent over.

- So you trying to impress a violent, drunk pillhead.

- That's the comedy game, baby.

They all violent, drunk pillheads.

- All right.

- But she's good, and if she like me,

things could change.

- Hmm. Well, you ain't got to worry

about nothing round here, all right?

You just focus on trying to make the crazy lady laugh.

All right?

I got the kids under control.

- You know, I'm more concerned about Denise.

Can you please keep a eye on her and make sure

she ain't drinking while I'm gone?

- You know, I'd be happy to babysit Denise,

but I'm taking Junebug to a duck-hunting trip

with Ryan and his dad.

- Duck hunting? - Yeah.

- The shit white people get you to do.

- [laughs]

Well, I'm just glad to see these kids doing some activity

besides watching TikTok videos all day.

Ay, but look, you know what?

We gonna be there all day, all right?

So Janelle and Brandon is gonna watch Denise, all right?

And after that I'll watch her, but I need you

to do me another favor too.

- Terry, I done already told you

that shit hurt and I ain't doing it till you 60.

- You just hoping that when I turn 60

I ain't gonna be able to do it no more.

- You right.

- But you know what? Hey, actually

I am talking about Ashley, all right?

You saying down there with her in Chicago so I want you

to please be nice to her girlfriend, okay?

Tanika was very nice at the funeral.

- Terry, everybody's nice at a funeral.

The most you can do is piss on a pew.

Hey, Denise. - Hey.

- How you doing? - Oh, I'm perfect.

I actually just got a booth at the Black Expo

for Denise Grease.

- Ooh, wow. - Oh, my God.

That is so dope, Denise.

- I'm so proud of you. Gon' girl.

- Aw, I'm proud of you too, Pat-Pat.

Go on and kill your show.

I can't wait to hear all about it.

- Hey.

I trust you.

I love you.

- I love you too.

- You catch that bitch sneaking liquor,

you lock her ass in the basement

like Anne Frank.

- Mm.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- [coughing] Babe,

crack a window if you gonna burn that shit.

I'm trying to breathe over here.

- I have to clear my chakras before your mama gets here.

You know she hate me more than Jada hate Will.

- Babe, it's gonna be fine, okay?

She's gonna like you because she knows I love you.

[knock at door] [coughs] Now put that shit away

before she hates you more.

- Hey, Ma. - Hey.

- [laughs] Come in.

- Wow, so this is how lesbian apartments look?

Mm, I was expecting at least one rainbow flag.

- Sorry to disappoint.

- Not even a picture of Ellen?

- [laughs]

- Ms. Pat, you are too much.

- Babe, I told you my mom is not a hugger, okay?

Unless she's known you 20, 30 years

and given birth to you,

and even then it's gotta be after some trauma.

- Well, in my family we huggers.

You just need the right hug. Trust me. Come on.

- This motherfucker trying to turn me out.

- [laughs]

I know you not about to be homophobic all week.

- No, just today.

I'm just kidding. You know I'm a comedian.

But look, I got tickets to my show tonight

and see if y'all wanna come.

- I'd love to, but I gotta prepare

for my catering gig I booked.

Baby, you should go, support your mama.

- I'm down as long as I'm not in the act this time.

- Make sure you laugh loud 'cause I got one

of the biggest comedy agents coming to see me, Andie Stein.

You know she-- - Curb stomped Steve Harvey

for stealing one of her clients' wigs?

You told me already.

- Let us show you to your room.

But first...

Fuck she doing, trying to cook my pussy?

- No. Just let her.

- Ah, good, good, good.

You're all here.

We need to talk.

While Mom's gone, okay, we need to pick up the slack.

I want everyone to watch out for Denise.

- Why, is she stealing hair dye from Walmart again?

- No.

Well, probably.

But your Auntie Denise relapsed.

- Yeah, she been drinking again.

We ran into each other at the bar I work at.

- Wait a minute.

You gave your auntie a lap dance?

- Sounds like a porn category. - Okay.

Will you two shut up? Nothing happened.

She was there, and she was just drinking.

- So that means she saw you there naked.

- I wear a tasteful red G-string, thank you.

- Hey! Let's keep our eyes focused on the balls.

[laughter]

- That's funny.

- I will not be slut-shamed.

- [laughs]

- Okay, okay. Hold up, y'all.

We upset Tragic Mike. - Oh!

[laughter]

- Ay, ay, ay, Brandon! Come back in, boy.

Come on, come on, come on. Settle down, settle down,

settle down.

[both sigh]

We talking about Denise now.

- And Auntie was doing so well.

What happened?

- Well, I mean,

recovery is a seesaw, Junebug.

All recovering addicts have their ups and downs.

- Exactly, she's going through a difficult time right now,

and she needs all of us to be here for her.

But Junebug and I can't be

'cause we're going duck hunting

with Ryan and his dad.

- Well, I can't watch Aunt Denise today.

I'm working a hospice party.

What? Don't judge.

Dead people gotta get rid of they money somehow.

- Well, I can't watch her either.

I'm going to a music festival.

- [sighs]

Uh-uh, but we can't take on Denise.

- Why? - Because this is supposed

to be a man trip.

- Not with you there.

- Ay, boy, look, we running out of options now, Junebug.

Either you want duck Denise or drunk Denise.

- Duck it.

- Make yourself at home.

- The guest room isn't much, so we figured

you'd be more comfortable here in our bedroom.

- Our room?

You share a bed with your roommate?

- Tanika, can you give us a minute?

- Sure, baby.

- So what we not gonna do is play this game.

She is not my roommate.

She's my girlfriend. What is with you?

You said you were gonna work on this.

- You know I accept you being gay.

It's just weird seeing you be gay with another gay

being gay.

- And I understand that,

but would you please be nice to Tanika?

I love her, Ma, and I need you two to get along.

- Girl, you know I'm like Martin Luther King.

Hey, I judge people by the content of they character,

not by what they eat.

- [laughs]

I hate it when you say something awful

and it makes me laugh anyway. [laughs]

- Hey, that's a gift I have.

It gets me out of shit with your daddy all the time.

- [laughs]

- But do you really love that girl?

Huh? - Yeah.

And I love you too.

- Well, don't you ever forget

that this is the first vagina you ever sniffed.

- And that's why I came out crying.

You get settled.

I'm gonna go help Tanika.

She's making us a big vegan dinner.

Be nice.

- [sighs]

What the fuck?

When did dicks come with a seat belt?

- So what you think, Denise, huh?

- Are you outta your mind?

What about me screams "duck hunting" to you?

Would I invite you to go get some pads with me?

- Come on now, Denise. It'll be fun, huh?

We'd be out there in the nature.

[sniffs deeply] Fresh air, huh?

The golden sun. [laughs]

- So when's the fun part coming?

[duck calls quacking]

Oh, fuck no.

- Oh, hey, hey, everybody.

- Ryan, go get Junebug.

- Okey dokey. Oh, Junebug?

- So are we ready?

- Uh, yeah, we ready, but where's Evan?

I thought this was a fathers and sons trip?

- Yeah, it would be if Ryan's deadbeat father

hadn't canceled like he did our marriage.

[strained laughing]

I'm over it.

It's okay if I come, though, right?

- Well, I don't think that Pat would feel comfortable

with me going in the woods alone with another woman.

- Right, yeah. I can understand that.

- Yeah. - Unless Denise--

Denise, why don't you come with us?

Oh, I could use an estrogen buddy.

- No, bitch. You could use a man.

- Oh, come duck hunting with us.

I mean, you already killed Tweety Bird

and put him on your head.

- [groaning]

Ah!

- Mom? What are you doing?

- Why are you snooping through our stuff?

Ashley, baby, this ain't cool.

I feel violated.

- You feel violated?

I almost died in a dick-alanche.

- Mom.

- Ms. Pat, the dinner I made is ready

if you're even interested.

- [sighs]

[dildo vibrating]

Die, motherfucker! Go to sleep.

Die!

- Ma.

- Cut your man off.

- Stay outta my stuff.

- You know, this china was passed down

to me by my great-great-grandma.

- Wow, I've never eaten off slave plates before.

- Ma, can you please just--

- What? That was a compliment.

This is some fancy shit.

- Well, I only bust it out for special company.

- You're gonna love the food, Ma.

Tanika can burn.

You won't even know it's vegan.

- I think food is only good when it's been shot.

- You should try her buckwheat rolls. [laughs]

- Yeah, you know, I ever told you the time

I knew a crackhead named Buckwheat Roll?

Bitch was so talented she could unzip the drug dealers' pants

with her pussy.

- Well, that's quite a skill set.

- Mm.

They're pretty good.

If you can do this with buckwheat,

I can imagine what you can do

with Alfalfa and Froggy.

- They never taught me that in culinary school.

- You a chef?

Mm, I never knew that.

- That's because you never ask her about herself, Ma.

- You right. You right.

So Tanika, what you wanna be when you grow up?

- Thank you so much for asking.

Well, actually, when I grow up,

I plan to someday open an organic vegan restaurant

in an underserved community.

- Nigga, that shit gonna be closed in two weeks.

They don't eat this shit in the hood.

This shit'll get you killed.

- [laughing] That's exactly what needs to change.

- Hell, I didn't even have my first fruit

till I went to juvie.

Unless you count a Now and Later,

a apple now and a orange later.

[both laugh]

But I respect what you're doing.

- Thank you so much, Ms. Pat.

- Aw. [laughs]

- Fuck wrong with you?

- It just means a lot to see you two getting along.

- So you had to fuck it up by saying it out loud?

- This is so boring.

When are we gonna get to kill something?

- Seriously.

I'll shoot anything at this point.

- Hey, y'all have some patience, boys.

Now, we only been out here six hours.

Damn. - Shh!

The ducks can sense your anxiety, okay?

We need to be more Zen, more quiet.

Any little noise can scare them away.

[bag crinkling]

- What the hell y'all looking at?

The ducks is up there.

And if you don't like it,

you shouldn't have dragged my ass out here, Terry.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on now, Denise.

You heard her. Listen, we gotta be quiet

and Zen or else we ain't gonna get none

of these ducks out here.

- Y'all ain't getting no ducks

'cause y'all don't know how to shoot.

[sighs] Give me the gun, Elmer Fudge Brownie.

Let a bitch from the street show you how to do it.

- Come on. Let's see what you got.

[gunshot]

- Aflac.

Thank you. I'll be in the car.

- Shit, I didn't realize how late it was.

We gotta get down to the comedy club.

- Hey, Ma?

I really see you're making an effort,

and I appreciate it.

- Look, I don't have a problem

with the women-loving community.

I just can't do it. Shit, I've seen my drawers

when I take them off. - [laughs]

- They look like your real daddy.

- [laughs]

You are really something else.

So you good with Tanika?

- I'm good with her if you good with her.

I really don't care who you love

as long as they're a good person.

- So you think she's a good person?

- I do if you do.

- [laughs]

[door clicks shut] - So fucking mushy.

[elevator chimes]

Damn it, I left my phone upstairs.

Go start the car. I'll be down in just a second.

- On it.

- Ugh, this elevator always takes forever.

- Well, hope it hurry up.

I would hate for you to miss church

in your Sunday's best.

- [laughs] Girl, you funny.

- I better be. I'm a comedian. - What?

Do you ever perform around here?

- Yeah, actually tonight.

- What? What time?

I might slide though.

I'm meeting up with my sneaky link,

but she talking about I gotta get my fine ass out right after

just because her girlfriend annoying-ass mama in town

or some shit.

- Annoying-ass mama? - Girl, yes.

- Would your sneaky link happen to be a vegan vagina-eater?

- What?

Girl, is you psychic too?

Yes! She into all that earthy shit.

Like her apartment always be smelling like some...

- Witch pussy?

- Well, I was gonna say kombucha coochie,

but, I mean, yeah, that too. [elevator chimes]

- No, you go first.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, actually I just got my nails done.

Can you press the button for floor--

- Six.

- [gasps] Girl, you really is psychic.

I always loved "That's So Raven."

Tanika?

- Damn, you don't waste no time.

Girl, bring your fine ass over here.

- Girl, I'm so sorry.

I tried to text you, but she wouldn't let me.

- What you mean? Who wouldn't let you?

- Surprise, nigga bitch.

So I met your little side piece down at the elevator.

- Uh, okay, no. Not a side piece.

I'm a weekend woman.

- I don't know what the hell you talking about.

I don't know this woman. - 'Scuse me?

- You think I hook up with this Walgreens-ass ho?

- Excuse me? This dress is from Target.

- I knew you was fucked up. - Look, you just a homophobe.

You can get the hell out.

- Oh, no, bitch. I'm a whore-aphobe.

- What you doing? - I'm calling Ashley

to let her know that you out here cheating

with her cold dicks.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Aah!

- No! [dishes smash]

- [gasps in horror]

- At least now them plantation plates know they free.

- You broke my grandmama plates.

- Girl, fuck your grandma plates.

- Man, fuck you, meat-munching bitch!

- What you wanna do, motherfucker?

What you wanna do?

- You sure you wanna do that?

- Damn, you quiet for a big-ass dude.

- And you're a good shot for a drunk.

- I haven't had a drink today.

- Hey, look, I'm not gonna take that from you.

That's something that you gotta do for yourself.

- Yeah, well, just don't tell Pat-Pat

'cause I ain't-- - Hey, hey.

Your sister and me both love you so much,

through the highs and the lows.

Now Denise, we've always had your back.

- I know.

And I appreciate that. I really do.

- Ay, Denise?

I'm gonna find you an AA meeting.

- No, fuck that, Terry.

I ain't going to no AA meeting.

AA stands for "Absolutely Ah-Not," okay?

- Denise, you know you need help.

- I just ain't ready yet, Terry.

I can't do it right now.

I take my sobriety one day at a time,

which means I'ma get sober one day

in time.

- If AA isn't for you, we'll figure out what is.

All right?

We gonna get you through this, Denise, as a family.

Right?

[exhales heavily]

Look, lemme go pack up our stuff.

Let's go home.

- I can't believe you got me sitting in a jail cell

'cause you couldn't take a punch.

- You lucky Ava was there.

- You better be glad that bitch was a snitch

and called the cops 'cause I'd have stomped

your head so hard your vegan ass would've woke up

wanting chicken.

- Oh, please, man. I would have--

- You wouldn't have did shit but bled.

Shut the fuck up!

Tonight was special, and you fucked it up

for me with your cheating ass.

- She cheated on you?

- Do it look like I'd sleep with that T.I.-looking bitch?

She cheated on my daughter.

- Don't care.

I do like these shoes though.

Run 'em.

- Big bitch, do it look like I could run?

- Run 'em.

- Oh, you want these shoes?

No problem.

Don't fuck with me, Big Bird. - Oh, shit!

Ow.

- Fuckin' Shaq-looking ho.

Tanika? Ma?

I was waiting downstairs and saw y'all getting arrested.

What in the hell happened?

- Babe, don't listen to a damn thing she say.

- This girl don't give a shit about you, Ashley.

- What? - Go on,

tell her how I caught you cheating, slutty vegan.

- What in the hell is she talking about?

- Your mama been trying to break us up since day one.

She been ready with this lie.

- Ashley, if you believe this girl,

you are a overeducated dummy.

- Ma!

See, if you dated men,

you wouldn't get cheated on.

Well, you know what the fuck I mean!

- No, I don't actually.

Is that what this is about, the fact that she's not a man?

So all that stuff about accepting Tanika

was just bullshit?

- I don't give a fuck about you liking girls.

I just don't want you liking this ain't-shit-ass girl!

- Ma, stop.

I bailed y'all out. Come on.

- Ma, let's go. - No.

- I thought you had a show.

- I did, but your fucking roommate fucked it up.

- She's my girlfriend.

- Child, I would save that title

for a bitch who deserves it.

- Let's go, Tanika.

We'll talk about this at home.

- I'll call her your girlfriend.

Pay my shit.

You can fight, but you stupid.

- Shut the fuck up.

Prison bitches always wanna act tough

until you get your ass beat,

and now you wanna be my friend, huh?

- Yeah.

- I'm telling y'all,

my daughter just as stupid as I was.

My baby daddy ain't did shit for me

but gave me crabs, gonorrhea, fleas,

and a heartbreak and two beautiful fucking kids.

- [laughs] - Oh yeah,

and he gave me a Happy Meal,

and the nigga kept the "Star Wars" cup.

- [laughs] - [laughing] You're funny.

[retches] - Ooh.

- [groans]

Really funny.

- Damn.

You okay, drunk bitch?

- No.

You're Pat Carson.

- Well, damn, jail must be like "Cheers,"

where everybody know my name.

- Nah, I don't know you from jail.

No, I know you as one of the last real authentic

bitches in stand-up comedy.

- Wait a minute. Why you look familiar?

- My name is Andie Stein.

- [laughs] The Andie Stein?

How the hell you get in here?

- Uh, I walked in.

- But why?

- I got pulled over on the way to the comedy club

and the officer says, "Why do you smell like alcohol?"

And so I told him, you know,

"I've been drinking, dumbass."

- Damn, you can't stop drinking

and I can't get my daughter to believe me.

- Well, I believe.

- You do?

- Yeah. I believe you're funny.

I was looking forward to seeing you in person.

I'd like to sign you, Pat Carson.

- You wanna sign me? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, bitch, we gotta get up outta here.

- Damn right.

- Bitch, you need a nap. - I need a drink.

- That's why you in this motherfucker.

- I'm in--in here because he pulled me over,

not because I was drinking.

- Pat!

- Terry! - What's going on?

Why did we have to drive two hours

to come get you outta jail?

- Well, first off, I just wanna say thank you

because I'm not longer the grown-folk fuckup

of the family.

- What happened?

- Ashley got some growing up to do.

She'll figure it out.

- But you're still not telling us what happened.

- I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

But look who I met in jail.

Andie Stein. And she just signed me.

- What the... Are you serious?

- And I'm putting you to work as soon as I get back to LA.

- I'll believe you when you sober up.

- Oh, oh, Pat, step back in for a second.

- Why? - Okay. 'Scuse me.

I just wanna get some pictures so I can look at 'em

the next time I feel like shit.

- If you post that shit, I'll piss in your wigs.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With family and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪