Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed in front of

a live studio audience.

- One thing most parents have in common

is the fact that we want our kids

to have a much easier life than we did.

But if we being honest,

some of these kids could use some trauma.

Not having food to eat, baby, build character.

Eating your cereal with tap water

will give you a hell of an imagination.

And we all know dodging your mama's thick-ass extension cord

is true dedication of training for the Olympics.

At least that's what I tell myself

when I'm being jealous of my privileged-ass kids.

Terry, spit in this tube.

- Damn, wild woman.

You gotta at least buy a man dinner first.

- I'm trying to send your DNA in

so I can find out who your real daddy is

while your mama was a rollingstone.com.

- You know, that's sweet, baby, but I really don't care.

- Yeah, but in ten years you gonna feel like

you missing something, so spit in the tube

so we ain't gotta do this shit.

- Baby, as far as I'm concerned,

the man that raised me was my dad.

- You really don't wanna know?

- He ain't wanna know nothing about me.

I don't wanna know nothing about him.

- I'm gonna be rich.

- You got hit by a tractor trailer?

- No, listen.

I just got asked to join the basketball team at school.

It's only a matter of time before the NBA calls.

- The NBA don't need another mascot.

- You--wait a minute.

You mean to tell me they asked you to play?

Coach asked you? - Yeah.

It's awesome, Dad.

See, our starting point guard, Kevin, he OD'd,

so enter The Bug.

Just a little nickname

I'm trying to get 'em to call me.

- They only asked him to be on the team

because he's Black and they assume he's good.

- Well, I am Black and I am good,

so can't be too mad at 'em.

- Well, you can be too stupid

to realize you're their little Black bug.

- Whoa. Baby girl, damn.

- Aw, it's okay, Dad.

She's just mad because nobody asked her to the school dance.

- No.

I'm mad because school dances are sexist.

- Janelle, you know how to make anything sound shitty.

- It's true, Mom.

It is gross and I'm sick

of everyone talking about it.

Did you know the word "prom" comes from "promenade,"

when girls would act all proper and display themselves

so men would want to marry them?

It's disgusting.

- Hey, so where do periods come from?

Periodic table?

- Ha-ha.

- I'll get the lawyer. You get the loser.

- Okay.

So, we got another superstar in the house.

I didn't even know you were interested in playing, son.

- You should've heard them at school

after Kevin went to rehab.

They were all like, "Aw, Junebug,

"we can't wait to see you play.

"Can I wear your jersey?

Oh, can you sign this card for Kevin?"

[both laugh]

Man, they couldn't get enough of your boy.

- Sounds like they were more excited about it than you are.

- Well, I'm just giving the people what they want.

- But is it what you want?

- Uh, yeah.

I mean, the cheerleaders might actually talk to me now.

And plus, when you've got as much skill as I do,

you can't let it go to waste.

Shoot, I might even be able

to teach you a thing or two, old man.

- You ain't said nothing but a word, boy.

- What? How come you get ball first?

- Mm, because I paid for it.

- How 'bout we shoot for it?

- Cool.

I mean, it's been a minute since we played,

but I gotta assume

that your shot is better than it used to be

if the coach is approaching you at all.

- Ah, yeah. - Okay.

- [exhales]

My hand's just a little wet.

- Hehm yeah. Dry 'em off.

Try again. Come on.

All right, yeah. All right.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- [sighs] Look.

Before you even start,

I've already made up my mind.

I'm not going to that stupid dance.

- Why, because nobody asked you?

- I wouldn't go even if they did.

Look, I told you already.

Those dances represent everything that I hate.

I'm not gonna wait around for some guy

to ask me to be his little trophy.

- I think you making a mistake, Janelle.

School dances are what makes it fun to be a teenager.

And let me tell you this, a night like this

is not gonna exist when you get older.

I missed mines when I was your age.

- Why didn't you go?

- My water broke.

- Really?

- Yep, I went into labor with Ashley.

You know, them gays don't care when they come out.

- What you all talking about?

- This one here don't wanna go to her school dance.

- Okay, well, if she don't wanna go, Pat,

she don't wanna go.

- See, you another one that don't appreciate

the opportunity you had when you was coming up.

- Don't blame me.

I got to go to those things

'cause my boyfriends knew how to pull out.

- Yeah, pull out of your life.

- Hey, would you two just stop it?

Look, it doesn't matter anyway.

These dances are not for me.

So just stop talking about it.

- She wanna go to that dance.

- But she just said--

- I don't give a fuck.

That is my daughter and she's not gonna miss her dance

'cause some white boy won't ask her out.

- So what are you gonna do?

- I'ma rent her a nigga.

[soft brass music]

♪ ♪

- All right, Pop, you already circumcised one finger.

If you circumcise the other one,

you won't be able to send me no more Cash Apps.

- Don't worry.

I block all your requests with my middle finger.

- Dang, what's wrong with you? - It's your brother.

- Don't worry. His balls will drop eventually.

- [feigns laughter]

He dropping balls plenty.

And he got asked to play on the basketball team

and the boy is trash.

- What do you expect? Junebug's always been trash.

I mean, he's not even 5'5" standing on a PS5.

- Yeah, look, man,

I ain't expecting anything, all right?

You know, those folks down at that daggone school

got that boy thinking he King James.

- Okay, and what's wrong with that?

- Ay, man, they're just setting him up

for a whole world of embarrassment, Brandon.

- Okay, look, embarrassment lasts a moment,

but regret, pfft, that lasts a lifetime.

I mean, do you really want Junebug

to look back ten years from now,

living in y'all's basement,

wondering where he went wrong in life?

- Are we talking about you or Junebug?

- All right, you got me.

Look, it be like that.

- I just don't wanna tell the kid he's somebody he's not.

You know, it sucks going through life

with nobody being honest about who you are

until it's too late for it to even matter.

- Okay, are we still talking about Junebug or you?

- You got me.

But it be like that.

- Hey, um, do you mind if I change this, Pop?

- Sure, go ahead.

[Tony! Toni! Toné's "Feels Good"]

- ♪ It feels good ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It feels good ♪

♪ Whoa, it feels good ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It feels good ♪

- Yeah, ain't this your jam, Pop?

- Boy, I got a lot of memories and babies

attached to that record there, boy.

You remember at the family reunions,

we used to be out there dancing all night, man?

- Yep, and I remember everybody was laughing at you

'cause you dance like somebody that needed an EpiPen.

- I don't remember that part.

- That's because you were enjoying yourself.

Now trust me, so is Junebug.

And look, I don't know if this may work,

but instead of telling him to stop,

maybe just, you know, coach him up.

- Look at you, having thoughts.

- Yeah, I've been really freaking myself out lately.

- Okay, here we go.

I downloaded this app for teens

and I made a profile for Janelle.

- So what'd you say, she like to take long walks at protests?

- Girl, leave my baby alone.

It ain't her fault I raised her well.

- Well, it will be when she die

and didn't get a chance to use her coochie nipple.

- Girl, just help me find her a nice, boring, ugly date.

- I'm just saying, this is a lot of energy

to put into something that she don't even want.

Why you working this hard anyway?

- So she don't miss out on memories like I did.

- Oh, well, you didn't miss out on nothing

but New Addition and dry humping.

- I wish my humping was dry.

- Ooh, I like this boy, Darquan.

- Darquan?

Darquan sound ghetto

and he look like he shake babies.

- Oh, now I like this dork right here.

He's fucking perfect.

- Trey? Even his name is nerdy.

- Exactly.

Nerds don't get you pregnant.

- All right, well, it does say he's into anime

and he volunteers at local shelters.

- His dumb ass work for free?

- And he has a perfect SAT score.

- That nigga lying. [chuckles]

You know when Black people get a perfect SAT score

they go on to "Good Morning America"

and then they call it a fucking cheatin' scandal.

- Well, send him a message and see what's up.

- How I do that?

- Gimme this damn thing, Pat.

- Make sure you tell him we wanna see him tonight

and make it sound like you, you know, you Janelle.

- "Wassup, lil zaddy?"

[chuckles] "You looking mad fresh.

Hit me back so we can link up."

- "Link up?"

You sound old as hell.

And could you at least use some emojis?

- Girl, fuck emojis.

I use the OGs, okay?

That's the purple pickle, the tongue out, and raindrops.

- I thought you were saved.

- Chile, they had to save me from something.

[tablet chimes] Ooh, he wrote back.

- Already? I told you he was a lame.

- Okay, well, it says he's coming over tomorrow.

Hah! I am good at this.

[gasps] Ooh, you know,

if Denise Grease don't work out,

I might start my own business luring in teenagers.

- You just gonna say that out loud?

You going to jail.

- [groaning]

- What the hell happened to you?

- Junebug needed coaching up again,

so I was out there shooting around with him.

I almost lost my life.

- You need to stop wasting time

and rip the Band-Aid off of this

and tell that boy he ain't shit.

- I know, I know. I thought about that, baby,

but I don't-- I don't want to crush him.

- Like your mama didn't wanna crush you?

- But this is different, okay?

I just hope he's playing for the right reason.

I don't want him doing what I did.

- Marrying a criminal? - [chuckles]

Thinking he gotta play basketball

'cause they asked him to.

You know, people did the same thing to me with football

just 'cause how I looked.

- Why are you projecting your childhood shit on him?

- Oh, for real?

- Yeah, for real.

- Okay, then, who the hell you looking at dresses for?

- Mind your business.

Janelle going to that dance

and she gonna wear one of these dresses too.

- Uh-huh, and does she know that?

- We on a need-to-know basis,

and right now, she don't need to know.

- [chuckles]

You're overdoing it on this one here, Pat.

Mm-hmm. You working too hard, girl.

- Working too hard for what?

- Trying not to be your mama.

- Mildred was mean and never supported shit.

Compared to her, I'm Carol fucking Brady, Terry.

Now here's a story about a good-ass mama.

[doorbell chimes]

I got it. - Oh, who is that?

- I ordered Janelle a date. - What?

How come you never Postmate me a date?

- 'Cause living with your mama ain't doing shit

ain't a hot profile.

- There's some women that love low standards.

- Not basement low.

- Janelle?

- You don't look like a Trey.

- Well, my government name Treyq'uan.

- That is not the nigga I ordered.

- Who's that at the door?

- Is that Trey?

Pat, stop being so rude

and let little Steve Urkel in.

Oh, shit. You Stefan Urquelle.

- So I'm guessing Janelle don't exist

and this a virtual R. Kelly situation?

- Uh, I'm Janelle.

- Oh, she lying. They name Jessie.

- Oh, oh, I'm Trey. I'm your date.

[smacks] - Date?

- Okay, niece-y, don't get mad, but your mama,

she made me make a fake dating profile

so you wouldn't miss your school dance.

- Damn, Denise. You turn that fast?

She ain't even offer you no cigarettes.

- I cannot believe this.

Why can't you just stay out of my business?

- I tried to tell her.

- You ain't tried to tell me shit.

- And this is who you picked for me?

- Nah, that is false fucking advertising right there.

- I don't know, Pat. He is much cuter in person.

He kind of look like that nigga that sold me my first rock.

- Exactly. Get your ass outta here!

- No.

I like him.

- You what?

- Come in.

- He's wrong for you.

- I think he's right for me

and it's who you picked, right?

- Janelle.

- I'm Janelle.

- I'm Treyq'uan. Everybody call me Trey.

- Excuse me, we about to go to my son's basketball game so--

- Oh, well, I think Treyq'uan should come with us.

- I'll drive us there if you want.

- Even better.

- Okay, you do know when they on the dating app

and they got a car,

he gon' be trying to smash.

- Hell no, the only thing he gonna get deep in

is my back seat.

Hey! Y'all, get your ass in my car.

[cheers and applause]

- I got that app trying to see if I could meet

any cute Black girls.

Thought they ain't exist in Plainfield.

When your mama answered the door, I thought she was you

so it's way better than I expected.

- [laughs] You thought you were getting catfished, huh?

- I thought I was getting sex trafficked-fished.

That's how it go around here.

Most people on that app end up looking like your mama.

[both laugh]

- You sexual activated, nigga?

- Ma'am?

- Are you fucking? - Mama!

- Now, this is a family event.

- Shut up, Terry.

There's probably some kid up under these bleachers

giving a hand job right now.

- Ay, I think Coach is putting Junebug in the game.

- Yes. - Let's go. Let's go.

- All right, Pop. How you feeling?

Did you work with him? - [sighs] I tried.

Let's see what he does.

- Hi. I'm Brad's mom.

The coach is very excited that Junebug is on the team.

- Really? - Yes. Are you kidding me?

With Junebug maybe we can finally

win some games this year.

Go, Junebug!

- Well, he's not playing for you.

- Don't get too excited just because he Black.

- He pretty much Justin Beaver

before he met Usher. - Pat!

- Don't get mad at me for telling the truth.

- Hey, is he supposed to be dribbling it

off his feet like that?

- No. No, he's not

and he's headed for the wrong hoop.

- Pass the ball, boy!

- Don't say "boy" in mixed company.

- Keep your head in the game, nigga!

- Ay, yo, you got it, Bug!

Just relax!

- He sucks. Take him out the game.

He worse than my damn Falcons.

- Oh, hold up! Hold up!

- Wait, he got a steal. - Oh!

- More like a white boy bounced a ball off his head.

- Yeah, but then he caught it. - Shoot it, Junebug.

all: Shoot it! Shoot it! Shoot it!

[all gasp] [loud crash]

- His hands were wet.

- At least he ain't up under the bleachers.

- Hey.

Don't think on it too hard, son.

You'll get 'em next time, champ.

- Next time?

- Only way to get better is to keep playing.

Tell me something.

Who are you on this team for, son?

- Everybody was just so excited when they asked me to play.

I feel like I let 'em down.

- Lemme tell you a story.

You know I played football, right?

Yeah, I was pretty good at it too.

Got scholarships from people all across the country.

But the only reason I played was

to get my daddy's attention.

I thought if I was the best player in town,

you know, he was gonna find a way to make time

to come see me.

But he never did.

I never really liked football,

but I loved him.

See, what I'm trying to tell you, son, is...

do what makes your heart happy.

Don't get to the end of life living off "what ifs."

- But hooping does make me happy.

- It does? Huh, I thought that you--

- Well, everyone wanting me to play

was why I did it at first,

but then me and you started messing around

in the backyard and suddenly the cheerleaders

that didn't talk to me

still don't talk to me, but...

hey, at least they know my name.

[both chuckle]

No, I loved it.

At least until the laughing started.

- I tried to tell your mama to knock it off.

[clears throat]

Look, as long as you doing it for you,

I'm gon' always be rooting for you, son.

- You're not embarrassed?

- Aw, of course not, son.

Man.

You are free to be whoever and whatever you wanna be.

- Then I'm gonna stay on the team.

- All right. All right.

- I'ma work hard. - Come on.

- I'ma get up early and stay up late practicing my game.

- Say that? [laughs]

- I'ma get better.

I mean, who knows? - Hey, that's my boy.

That's my boy. That's my boy.

- Carson. - Yeah, Coach?

- You're cut.

Leave the jersey on your way out.

- Ay, ay, ay, Coach! Coach, hold on now, man.

You ain't gonna be talking to my son like that.

How you just gonna cut him from the team?

Thank you.

And don't be asking my son for none of them

new Junebug Nikes when they sell out either!

Huh!

- Thanks, Pops. - No problem, boy.

Yeah.

Let me see that crossover, son.

Let me see it, huh?

[laughs]

You ever look into poetry?

This is your brain on a date with my daughter.

- And that's your brain if you try some fuck shit.

- Any questions?

- We gonna need you to leave your little dick here with us.

- And what you gon' do with it?

- Niece-y, wow.

- Baby girl, you look beautiful.

- God damn, I knew I picked the best dress!

- It's a'ight. [chuckles]

- "She doth teach the torches to burn bright.

It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night."

- [chuckles softly]

- What'd your horny ass say about cheeks and nights?

- He's quoting "Romeo and Juliet," Mama.

- You know Shakespeare died of syphilis.

- You know Shakespeare?

- Nah, but I know syphilis.

- Mama, I need to talk to you.

Mom, you're the one that asked Trey here,

but all you've done is be rude to him ever since.

- I know, baby. I know.

I just can't trust a motherfucker who got Qs

in they name.

And that go for your friend named DaeQuan too.

- It is Treyq'uan.

- Just by you saying his name your credit score went down.

I worked my whole life to keep you from going through

what I went through and I be damned

if I'ma let you get knocked up by a Jacquees.

- It is Treyq'uan

and who said anything about getting knocked up?

I mean, I've known the guy for like three seconds.

- Hood boys only need two.

I just wanted you to have a nice, normal date

with a nice, normal nerd.

- But he is a nerd.

He has a perfect SAT score.

- He lying. He would've been on TV.

- No, he really does.

I mean, he does volunteer work, he likes anime,

but his name is also Treyq'uan.

He just happens to have tattoos and gold chains.

Look, you're stereotyping him and you're wrong.

- Okay, I'll back off.

- Thank you.

But you were right about one thing.

Dances are a part of the patriarchy,

but I did want to go to the dance.

It just sucked that no one asked me to go.

- This school ain't your people.

- I mean, maybe it's the school

or maybe people think I just don't wanna do stuff like this?

- Probably 'cause you always saying you don't.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

- Good thing I don't care about your feelings.

- [laughs]

You sure don't. [chuckles]

Look, this definitely wasn't the way to do it,

but I can't lie.

I'm glad I get to go.

- I know I was doing too much,

but I'd rather be a helicopter parent

than a bus parent, like my mama.

- What's a bus parent?

- A bitch who can't afford a helicopter.

I just don't wanna be a shitty mom.

- Well, whenever you try too hard,

the lines get blurred.

- Let me get drunk and don't feed you

and see if you feel the same.

- [chuckles] Look, Mama.

You're better than her, okay?

Just trust that.

We're good.

Well, most of us.

- I've already given up on your brothers.

- [laughs]

Good.

Thanks, Mama.

- Love you.

- Bye, y'all.

- Why does seeing Janelle so happy about this dance

make me feel good?

- Because you too busy living through her

instead of living through yourself.

- I hear you, but it's too late.

- You think so? - You don't?

- No, I don't.

[Bobby Brown's "Rock Wit'cha"]

- What the hell?

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Why are you coming out here looking like

ketchup and mustard?

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

Hey, look, baby, I was trying to go

a little bit old-school for you,

but I split my Hammer pants.

Patricia,

will you do me the honor

by attending the homecoming dance?

- Where at?

- We at home. You coming?

- [chuckles]

Is this what I missed out on?

- ♪ Hold you oh so tight ♪

- What you think, huh?

- ♪ Just touch me anywhere ♪

- Yeah, see that?

[both laugh]

- It's pretty good as long as you keep dancing slow.

- What?

What, you don't think I can dance either?

- Terry. - No, uh-uh.

Fuck that.

- [chuckles] The choir boy cussing?

[MC Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit"]

- ♪ Too legit, too legit to quit ♪

♪ Too legit, too legit to quit ♪

- Somebody get this man a EpiPen.

- ♪ Too legit, too legit to quit ♪

♪ Sweat, running' all over my chest, chest ♪

♪ I don't quit, no, I just ♪

- Oh, my God!

I thought I was getting robbed by Broke-ahontas.

What are you doing up so late?

- Making sure your night didn't end the way mine did

'cause you know the only damn thing

open this late is moisturized thighs.

- And IHOP 'cause that's where we went.

- That better be all you brought home.

Did you have a good time? - Yes, ma'am.

- And I know you told your daddy to distract me

so I wouldn't interrupt you and Offset.

- I told him not to tell you.

- He didn't. You just did.

But I enjoyed it.

Only thing missing was my youth.

- [chuckles]

- Fuck Ashley and her timing.

- Goodnight, Mama.

Thank you.

- [chuckles softly]

- [sighs] Ay, here you go, sweetie.

[groans softly]

- We're not too bad with this parenting shit, is we?

- As good as we gonna be.

[laughs] [loud crash]

- [gasps]

That boy suck.

I know that motherfucker didn't just break my goddamn window.

Junebug!

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman and she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman with three damn kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪