Original subtitles

- Is it possible to keep your husband

but divorce your mother-in-law?

If so, point me to a courthouse, baby,

'cause I did not sign up for this bullshit.

That's one thing to deal with family that you came with

and that's a whole 'nother thing to deal with family

that you fucked for.

Now don't get me wrong, y'all, I love my kids,

but when they get married, I'ma leave them the fuck alone

as long as they don't marry nobody with kids,

or felons,

or somebody who out here chasing a damn pipe dream

and don't pay no bills.

Wait a minute.

I think I'm talking about my damn self.

Y'all change the light.

- Come on, y'all. We gotta hurry up.

This house is a disaster.

Janelle, put this daggone coats up.

Brandon, tuck in your shirt and clean up that mess, boy.

Pat!

You look beautiful.

- That's what I thought. - Mm.

Clear everything unnecessary in the room.

Come on now!

- Why you doing all this cleaning?

Your mama's only important to you.

- Whatever, Pat. Hurry, y'all.

Your grandmama don't like a lot of clutter.

- Do you mean clutter or Mama?

- She hate clutter and Mama, but not in that order.

- Well, she can keep her damn opinion to herself

until she the one having sex with her son.

- Hey, baby, can you just limit the profanities

while my mama's here?

- Fuck you mean, "limit the profanity"?

- Can you try to limit the F-bombs, all right?

You know how prudish she is. Come on now.

Hell, I don't think she even had sex before.

- Nigga, you ain't Jesus.

- Why am I the one that's gotta give his room up for family?

- 'Cause we said so and your opinion don't matter.

Now get your shit and go down the basement with your brother.

- I don't wanna go down there, Ma.

Brandon's got Mountain Dew bottles full of piss.

- Man, stop telling them all my business.

And for your information, waterbug,

I haven't peed in one of those bottles

since they stole my games.

- Hey, y'all.

Well, I see Dorothy and the gang

is getting ready for Evillene.

- Did you bring a bucket of water

so we can Aquafina that bitch?

- Pat, why y'all gotta talk about my mama like that, huh?

- 'Cause your mama is fake and bougie

and she's always looking down on me.

She ain't never thought I was good enough for you.

- Oh, baby, that's not true. She tries to like you.

Well--well--well, she tries to like the idea of you.

Can y'all please just give my mama a break this weekend?

Huh? Ever since she divorced my daddy,

she ain't been the same, man.

- That was like 15 years ago.

It don't take that long to get over

no trifling-ass nigga, Terry.

- But still, okay?

She's been down

and I just want her to have a good time

and relax and be happy.

- Your mama don't know how to be happy.

When Barack got elected, she was complaining

about him being a half-white president.

[doorbell chimes]

- Mama.

- Baby boy. [chuckles]

- Mwah.

- Oh, my sweet, my sweet.

Hey, y'all.

- Mama, where are your bags?

- [clears throat] I'd like everybody to meet

my new boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

- Dad?

- I guess she got tired of healing

and realized ain't nobody else want her ass.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Whew, you have grown up

to be such a beautiful young lady.

- I'm more than my looks, Grandpa.

But thank you. I do look good.

- [laughs]

- You know, I don't think we have any memories together.

- You know what? Let's make one.

Huh? - Grandpapa!

- [laughs]

Here's more for y'all.

- Grandpapa. [chuckles]

Do I count?

- Family is family.

- Now see, they tried to tell me you weren't shit.

- Back rent.

- What do you mean you're back with Daddy?

Have you lost your mind, Mama? - First, you need to close

your nostrils 'cause you are certainly smelling yourself.

And second, we have both made mistakes, baby.

The past is the past.

Today is today.

You understand? - Yes. [sighs] Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

[camera clicks] - Look at him.

He's changed, honey. We both have.

Come here, baby. Ooh, Lord.

Y'all are just too skinny.

Ooh, look at that.

You know what, I'ma make y'all

my world-famous biscuits and gravy.

- Ooh, yes, please. - That shit ain't world-famous.

- Do you see how excited these children are?

You know, it's a shame your mama don't know

how to cook nothing in the kitchen but crack.

- Mama, come on now. That was uncalled for.

- I never cooked crack.

I sold it.

- Sweetie, I was trying to give you a special skill.

- I'm 'bout to show this old bitch how I can cook

and throw her ass in the oven.

- I don't know why every time y'all get together

y'all got to do this, all right,

but it needs to stop.

- I give what she give.

- And I give what she give.

- But you give what you give even when I ain't giving.

- Hey, hey, hey, everybody stop giving.

This ain't no damn telethon.

- How 'bout I show you where you can put your things?

- Yeah, they got y'all sleeping in my room.

- Hold up now. Uh-uh, no.

Mama, you remember back in the day

whenever Pat came over to the house,

you made me sleep on the couch till we got married,

so the same thing goes here, all right?

Only married folks--hey, baby-- sleeps in the same bed.

- Excuse me?

- That's a rule?

- Well, only if you get caught.

- Terry, are you crazy?

The motherfuckers half dead.

- My house. My rules.

I respected y'all rules growing up.

Now it's time for y'all to respect mine.

- Son, the only thing I gotta do is stay Black

and wrap my hair at night.

- Don't forget die.

- You're sleeping in separate rooms

and that's all there is to it.

- Okay. No problem, son.

- And there is no out-of-wedlock fornication

under my roof, especially between y'all two

'cause y'all should know... - Terry.

- Better. Huh? - He said "fine."

- Well, it better be fine.

- Look, I'm a military man. I respect structure.

I'm gonna sleep on the couch with Junebug.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah.

- I don't wanna sleep with my grandpapa.

- Okay, son.

It's a good day 'cause I'm finally about

to show you my 12-spice dry rub for making the perfect brisket.

- Dry rub?

Is you making brisket or ashy kneecaps?

Meat needs moisture, not crust.

Listen, if you wanna know,

all you gotta remember is these three words:

wet, slow, and low. - No, Junebug.

Remember dry, slow, and let it flow.

[both laugh]

- I'm sure you know what you doing

and all this is good

with all this fancy equipment and stuff,

but some of us learned how to make barbeque

with nothing but our dignity and hickory.

- Um, excuse me.

I'm trying to spend some quality time with my son,

something you wouldn't know nothing about. Thank you.

- Oh, I'm just trying to be helpful.

- Well, you ain't helping nobody.

Okay?

Certainly not me or Mama.

- I ain't never helped you and your mama?

Boy, please.

Your mama is happier than she's ever been

and so am I. - [laughs]

We'll see how long that lasts.

- Well, what's that supposed to mean?

- You know what?

I gotta go to do anything else.

- It means the only thing that you were worse at

besides being a good father was being somebody's husband.

- I've changed.

- See, that's what you said before you stepped out

and cheated on Mama left and right.

- You don't know what the hell you talking about.

- You know what? Mama might be blind enough

to see your change, but you are still

the same selfish asshole you always were.

- Who the hell are you calling a asshole?

I'm your father, boy.

You better respect me

or I'll whoop the shit outta your ass myself.

- There he is.

There he is.

- Mm, mm, mm.

♪ Mmm ♪

- Don't nobody want none of them light-skin-ass biscuits.

- You just mad 'cause yours always be burnt.

- My biscuits are proud of their Blackness.

- Where the whisk?

- Do I look like Tabitha Brown? We ain't got no whisk.

Whisk, bitch.

- You know, you ain't gon' never keep no good kitchen

using these cheap-ass pots.

- Ooh, Pat, she done came after your Rachael Ray pots.

I know you ain't gon' stand for that.

- Pots should come with history.

They enhance the flavor.

- So now we know why you like holding on to old shit

that burns you.

- You got lucky with my Terry, honey.

He a soft touch.

He pay for everything while you go around

telling knock-knock jokes.

- I'm about to knock-knock this bitch upside the head.

- Actually, Miss Jewell,

Pat's stand-up career is doing really well.

- Oh, is it?

Then why is my son the main person

bringing money into this house while she supports a dream?

Now I support dreams.

But--[laughs]

Honey, you are of a certain age

and being a stand-up is a hobby and you're not famous.

You're gonna do when you famous, and you not famous,

but it's not impossible.

- That's not true. I'm good at what I do.

And when I go to the club and I headline, I make money.

- Hm.

Well, is that so?

Well, maybe I should come down and see how you bringing money

into this house.

- Oh, no, you don't wanna do that.

- Well, why not?

I mean, if you headlining...

I think I should see for myself.

- Let the bitch come, Pat.

Scare the shit out of her.

- You know what, Jewell,

I got a show tomorrow night at 8:00.

I'ma give you two front-row tickets.

- Oh, you mean the place you performing

got more than one row? - Okay, that's it.

- Oh! Hold on, Sofia. Don't do it.

- [groans]

Oh, baby.

[moans] Oh, shit.

[moaning]

Oh, oh. Oh, baby.

[laughing] Baby, baby.

[moaning]

Yeah, oh, baby.

Touch--[moans]

Take your teeth out, baby. Take your teeth out.

[moaning]

[bottle clinking]

- Leave.

- Oh, come on, Janelle.

I don't have anywhere else to go.

Grandma's in my room,

Brandon's basement is hella nasty,

and Grandpa talks dirty in his sleep.

- Well, do you have 20 bucks?

- No, I do not have 20 bucks to sleep in my own house.

- Then you don't have a place to sleep in your own house.

Bye.

- Pat, why in the hell would you invite my mama

to see your show?

- To show her what I can do.

She think I only tell knock-knock jokes

and I'm tired of her making fun of my comedy career.

- Okay, baby. All right, all right.

I'm sorry.

But maybe can you do a G-rated version then?

- Sure, if G stand for,

"God damn, that bitch can cuss!"

- Pat. - I'm not changing my show

for nobody. - Baby, can you at least

not do the sex stuff?

You know how much of a prude she is, baby.

For me?

- Fine, but I think you need to work out

some of this parenting shit with your therapist.

- Yeah, probably.

My dad would kick my ass

for even saying the word "therapy."

- You know, I think you should really give Major a chance.

I wish I had seen my mama change before she died.

- I just don't trust the man, baby.

You know, he lied and cheated.

- Every nigga lied and cheated in the '70s.

- Well, my mama didn't do nothing to deserve that.

- Wait, Granddad is a ho?

- What the--

- Junebug, what the hell are you doing in my tub?

Get the hell outta here!

- But Ma, I don't have anywhere else to go.

- You wanna see me give your daddy a bath?

- Dad, what are you doing?

- Shh, keep it down.

Boy, why are you still out here sleeping?

It's 3:00 p.m.

- Well, it took me forever

to find somewhere to sleep last night.

- Oh. - Where you going?

- Oh, I'm gonna go and try to see my therapist

and I don't want Grandpa to see me.

- Why not?

- Your grandpa, he wouldn't understand.

See, he and I don't have the same father-son dynamic

as you and I.

- Going somewhere?

- Uh, yeah.

I'm just going for a drive to get some gas,

with some gas, you know what I'm saying?

Then I'm gonna keep on driving.

- Hey, Grandpa, maybe you should go with him.

- Junebug!

- Hey, good idea.

Going to get my coat.

- If I would've been in my own room,

none of this would've ever happened.

[phone beeps]

Oh, I'ma call Child Protective Services.

- [belches]

Hey, where we going, man?

We've been driving for half an hour.

- I'ma tell you, Daddy,

but you need to promise to stay calm

and keep an open mind.

- You know, the first thing you learn in the military

that a open mind is worse than an open ass.

Openness leads to control, son.

- See, that's exactly why I don't talk to you

about nothing, Daddy. You always talking about

control and the military and the open asses--

- [laughs] Okay, okay. I'm fine.

All right, I'm open. All right?

I'm open. Shit.

- [sighs] This is my therapist's office.

- What the fuck?

Therapy?

Nigga, this is a strange way

for you to be coming out the closet.

- Look, a real man will admit that he's struggling, okay?

All right? It's helped me out a lot

and it's really helped my family.

- Look, back in the military, man, if we found a nigga

who was going to therapy,

we would whoop his ass with a sock full of soap.

I know what happens in there.

- Well, Daddy, what you so scared of?

- It's a known fact

that when a nigga goes to therapy,

he winds up eating pussy.

It's a slippery slope.

And if you eat pussy, you'll eat some ass.

And if you eat ass, you're fucking gay.

- All right, all right, all right!

I get it. I get it.

Jesus.

But listen,

the only way that we have a chance

of resolving things is if you come inside

and talk things out with me.

Okay?

You say I don't know what I'm talking about

when it comes to you, right?

So now is the time to tell me.

- I can't do this without your mama here.

- [sighs] It's not about Mama, Dad.

It's about you and me.

- It ain't gonna happen, son.

- [sighs] Okay, fine.

- What?

Wait, wait.

Where you going?

- You wanna act like a child?

Try beating them childproof locks.

[locks click] - Ay!

Ay!

Open this goddamn door!

This is elder abuse, nigga!

[Bubba Sparxxx's "Ms. New Booty"]

- Ah, Fernando, finally.

Thank you. Can I get you on the floor?

- ♪ Let it flop, shake it freely ♪

♪ And I don't tell stories ♪

- Oh, wow. It's crowded.

This town must have limited options.

- Screw her. When she sees you kill it

onstage like you do, she gonna have

to show you some respect.

- I just don't know if my shit is gonna be funny

if I can't be myself.

That graveyard joke I wrote is hilarious,

but Terry said no sex jokes.

- Okay, well, Bill Cosby always said,

"You ain't got to be dirty to be funny."

- Denise, say that slow and listen to yourself.

- Uh, is the smell gonna go away?

Is it gonna go away or do I gotta adjust to this?

Okay. - Let it go.

You got a show to do.

And remember-- - I know, I know.

No sex stuff.

That's gonna be harder than I expected.

♪ ♪

- Well, everything in here is harder than I expected.

- ♪ Booty, booty rockin' everywhere ♪

♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere ♪

♪ ♪

- First of all, I don't appreciate

being locked in this hot damn car.

I ain't no damn Chihuahua.

- Terry, can you see that?

- Maybe if he didn't hump everything like a dog in heat

I wouldn't have to trap him like a dog in heat.

- Why don't you try sharing with your father

your key issues with how you were raised?

- [sighs] - Hm?

- Well, for starters--

- Terry? Look him in the eye.

- Oh, for God's sakes.

Can't he just punch me in the face?

- Dad, you were never there for me emotionally.

You gave me zero praise

and you showed no interest in things that I like.

I played varsity for four years.

Tell me how many games you went to.

- Look, I worked 16 hours a day,

six days a week, to feed you and your sisters.

I didn't have time for no games.

- Yet you played a game called cheating.

- If you wanna talk about this, we can talk about this, okay?

But I just need your mom here. - Stop saying that, man!

- Look, we were gonna talk to you.

- This ain't about Mama, Dad!

- Major, can you-- - Just save your breath.

See, he's still the same cold, never there, closed-off

piece of shit... - Ay, ay, ay!

- That you always-- - I'm getting sick of you

disrespecting me.

- Ay, ay, I only disrespect you

'cause you disrespecting us.

Shouting at everybody, drinking away your depression.

- Depression?

I may have put a few guns to my own head,

but I have never been depressed.

- Sounds like you in the right car.

- Yeah, and even when he wasn't doing that

he was out cheating with whoever.

Mama had to do everything. Huh?

She kept our family together

and you don't even have the decency to...

- You wanna know why I cheated?

Do you? - 'Cause you were bored.

- No, because your mama cheated on me first.

- What?

- Yeah, your mama went out on me

and she got pregnant by another man.

- Hey, you see this, Cheryl?

He can't even take responsibility

for his own shit.

You not gonna sit here and tell no lies

on my mama. - I ain't making up no tales--

- Yeah, okay, okay. If Mama ain't have no baby,

where the baby at, huh?

Where the baby at, Daddy?

- I'm looking at him.

[pencil snaps]

I am not your biological father, Terry.

That didn't stop me from loving you.

- Major, is this true?

- Look, we--we were both trying to figure out how to say it.

Because we're back together again,

we wanted to do it right.

We didn't want no lies, no secrets.

- Terry, are you okay?

- No.

- Look, I've made mistakes.

I can't do nothing about that.

You know, the way that you care for your children,

all of your children--

you know, I loved you, but I couldn't love you

like you were my own.

But yet you did this every day

and I had mad respect for that.

You're a far better man than I ever was.

- How does that make you feel?

Terry, use your words.

- It's--it's--it's--

it's too much right now, um...

- I don't blame you for being angry.

Look, I was selfish.

Every time I looked in your face,

I saw your mother's sins,

and that wasn't fair to you.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't love you anyway.

Maybe I didn't love you the way you needed...

but I loved you the way that I knew how.

- Can you receive what your father is saying?

- [sighs] Since I've always wanted

to hear that word from my father and um,

I guess I still haven't.

- No, but you have.

You have. You have.

We may not be blood,

but you are my son.

Okay?

And I'm damn proud of that.

I swear.

I swear.

- And that concludes your first therapy session,

Mr. Carson.

How do you feel?

- [sighs] You deserve whatever he's paying you.

I still ain't eating no pussy.

[upbeat percussive music]

- Come on.

Just--just give it a kiss.

[slurring] What did you do that for?

- Sweetheart, there are women who would fellate a balloon

and there are those who will not,

and I am of the latter.

Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

This place is nastier than the carpet

in a hourly motel from hell.

I'm taking an Uber.

- No. - I'm getting outta here.

- No, no, no, no, no. Just sit down.

Pat's almost up.

- Y'all ready to get this party started?

[cheers and applause]

All right, give it up for your MC,

local favorite, Ms. Pat!

[cheers and applause]

- Go, Pat!

- There is nothing I hate more

than one of these anorexic bachelorette parties.

All y'all nasty asses going to hell.

- That's true.

- And y'all need Jesus

and I ain't even talking about the Mexican stripper

I saw back there tea-bagging the shit

outta the maid of honor.

[laughter]

Bitch is not going to make it to the wedding

'cause she gonna have two black eyes.

Is the bride here?

- Whoo-hoo! [cheering]

- Yeah, cheer now

'cause your ass gon' be sad tomorrow.

Is your mother-in-law still alive?

- Yup. - Pray she die

before the rehearsal dinner.

My mother-in-law here tonight too.

Look at her bougie ass trying to sneak outta here.

I don't blame her 'cause one of y'all

tried to give her a balloon blow job.

You know damn well y'all just can't go around

waving no hard dicks in no old bitch face.

She don't know whether to suck 'em or kick 'em.

But you know what? [chuckles]

I make a lot of jokes about her,

but I actually love my devil-in-law.

- Aw.

- 'Cause she's the reason why my husband is so special.

And I work every day

to be worthy of the love he give me.

And that's the reason why I haven't killed that bitch.

And that's probably why she haven't stabbed me.

- She is actually quite humorous.

- Well, that's what we've been trying to tell you,

you joyless pile of wrinkles.

[laughs]

Sorry, I just got caught up in the roast-battle vibes.

[laughter]

- Oh, Pat, you were fantastic up there, honey.

You know, even though it's not my brand of comedy.

I'm more of a Cedric the Entertainer

kind of girl.

I like it when people tell me

what they do with they name.

Ooh, you could be "Pat the Hoodrat"!

[laughs]

- Thank you, Jewell.

That means a lot.

- Look at y'all getting along like piss and shit.

- [laughs]

- Miss Jewell, do you mind

if I have your dildo doggie bag?

'Cause I know you not gonna use it.

- No, I like leftovers. I gon' keep it.

- [laughs]

Okay. [both laugh]

- Guess your shit didn't go as well as my shit.

- You never told me.

I can't believe you never told me, Mama.

- Told you what?

- Honey, we were supposed to tell him together.

- I know your old ass ain't pregnant.

- My mama cheated on Major. He is not my father.

- Well, damn, girl.

You might actually use that dildo doggie bag.

- Terry. Terry, please wait.

- Look, Mama, there are no words

that can do anything, okay?

- Terry, Terry, talk to your mother.

- Look, y'all are going home tomorrow

and that's just gonna be that.

- She wants to talk.

You made me talk, so talk to her.

- Well, Major, I'm not in the mood--

- Terry.

- Mama, why wouldn't you tell me?

- Listen to me. Listen-- - No, no!

- Please sit. Please. Please.

Please listen to me.

Terry, please. - Okay.

- Please.

Baby, I came from a broken home.

My father had me with another woman

that he only saw twice in his life,

once when he had me and when she dropped me off.

- Your mama was a five-dollar ho?

- The point is, is that I know what it feels like

as a kid to not belong,

and I never wanted you to feel that way.

It was time to tell you the truth.

- There's an expiration to the truth, Mama.

Yeah.

And you know it's spoiled

when it don't serve nobody but you.

I'm going to bed.

- [cries] - I'm going to bed.

Please.

- [sobs]

- And your ass was judging me?

- And I'm so sorry. - Yes, you are.

- Well, there is a bright side.

I don't live here no more.

- Okay, everybody. Thank you for having us.

Sorry we had to cut our trip so short.

[clears throat] - I meant every word, son.

I love you.

- Junebug. [chuckles]

Thank you for giving up your room, baby.

Janelle, aw. - Grandma.

- Baby girl, stay as sweet as you are.

Okay? - Yes, ma'am.

- Brandon. Ooh, Lord. God bless you, honey.

And Pat, I am going to miss thinking of you as

the gold-digging EBT queen who can't cook.

- [laughs] And I'm gonna miss calling you

a dusty cold-blooded bitch.

Never mind. I still will.

- And I'ma give you some time, Terry,

and I really do hope that you-- - Keep hoping.

- And I will.

Love you, son.

- [sighs]

- Well, this might actually bring us closer.

- How?

- 'Cause now we both got fucked up childhoods.

- [groans] - It's okay, Daddy.

- Oh, it ain't nothing too, baby.

- It's a'ight, Daddy. - Boy--

- Mwah. - Boy--[laughs]

Oh, all right. - Yeah, okay.

- My family, my family.

[laughter] Babies.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With three damn kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪