Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Isn't it crazy how far we'll go

to protect somebody we love?

Sometimes you might whoop ass for somebody,

even though the motherfucker that you trying to protect

is the one who needs their ass beat.

And sometimes it's like putting childproof locks

on your cabinets.

Even though your child might eat rat poison,

the motherfucker might shut up for a week.

There's always a limit to how much

we can protect the folks we love.

Some things is out of our control.

I can't stop a plane from crashing,

but I can tell your ass not to fly Spirit.

- Tracy Elliot, an unarmed Black man, was murdered.

- The killing of Tracy Elliot was captured

on cell phone video. - Goddamn.

- Local stores have been boarding up their windows

out of fear that niggas have finally lost their minds.

- I can't believe them cops killed that man like that.

- He just died yesterday.

How you already got a rest in peace shirt?

- This is America.

They make 'em like Super Bowl t-shirts,

'cause you never know which lucky nigga gonna win.

Anyway, Pat, I looked at your website like you asked me to,

and I gotta say, it's pretty strong,

but this picture of you gonna need some work.

- What? I think I look good in that picture.

- Of course you do. It's from 15 years ago.

- Fuck you.

My new picture's in that file right there.

- No. No. No.

Ooh, hell no. [chuckles]

Okay, now, hold up now, maybe...

No. What you trying to sell, tickets or ass?

- I just want to look like I know what I'm doing, you know?

Like I'm confident and in control.

- Okay, well, then we're gonna need

pictures of Janet Jackson.

Ooh, you see this?

- Somebody's breaking into houses in our neighborhood.

- Huh. Well, I know none of them better

not touch none of my boxes of Denise Grease.

- Girl, don't nobody want that bitch-be-bald cream.

- Hey, what y'all talking about?

- Did you see the emergency meeting

on our Facebook neighborhood page?

- Yep. I just went out and got a Ring camera.

I'm gonna put it up later on.

- I know y'all not considering going

to that Pink People Panic meeting,

especially after the Tracy Elliot killing.

- That ain't got nothing to do with no Tracy Elliot.

I think that this is a great opportunity

to show up for our neighbors, huh?

Y'all got to give this community a chance like I have.

- Y'all are tripping.

Whenever people like that gather to solve a crime,

it's always to point the finger at one direction.

Ours.

- Oh, that's not always true, baby girl.

I think these folks are just different.

- Are they? - They are.

Like Caleb next door, he's a cool dude.

Just yesterday, he dragged our garbage cans

right back up for us.

- Nigga, that's 'cause you always leave them

down at the curb.

- I'm with Janelle. We gotta be careful.

And I would know, I've been profiled my entire life.

- You've been a criminal your entire life.

- Well, I would go to this meeting

if I didn't have to go to work. Pat?

- What Pat got to do with it?

I'm tired of you trying to make me go

to these wack-ass meetings.

- That's 'cause you need to be there.

- I'm a thug, ain't nobody robbing me.

- Listen, baby, it's not about you,

it's about the community, okay? Ah, you know what?

You and Denise should head on down there

to show them that we are good neighbors like everyone else.

- I don't wanna be no good neighbor.

I got insurance.

- Actually, Pat, I think you shouldgo.

It could be fun.

- You coming too.

- Why? I don't even live here no more.

- You use our shit more than we use our shit.

- That's 'cause we family.

- Bitch, we ain't got the same dad.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- I don't know why these people

gotta have a meeting every time something bad happen.

- You ain't lyin'.

- I mean, you know, I got shot in the head--no meeting.

I lost my Section 8 certificate--no meeting.

My best friend, Rehab, OD'd-- no meeting.

- Girl, you see that man over there looking at me?

I don't know why I've been attracting

all these white men lately.

I feel like Candace Owens.

- Girl, that is Caleb, Terry's friend.

- Oh, my gosh. Pat and Denise. Did you guys get hit, too?

It's a merchandise massacre. - No.

We just came by for a second to show our support.

- That's so kind.

- We came. We supported. We out.

- Pat. - Hello, Caleb.

- Good to see you here. Where's Terry?

- He had to work.

- Well, you're gonna have to fill him in.

Shame what's been going on.

- They robbed you, too? - Yeah.

Bastard stole the TV right out of my garage.

- Fuck you doing with a TV in your garage, Caleb?

- Wasn't a problem before.

It's crazy how your house is the only one that

hasn't been robbed.

- No, but it's getting so scary.

I even put a "Beware Of Dog" sign in my yard,

even though I really have a cat.

- I got a sign that say, "Fuck a dog, beware of owner."

- You really think that's the reason

why you haven't been robbed?

Well, ladies, make sure you grab a slice

of my legendary four-layer chocolate cake.

[chuckles]

- Mm-mm, girl.

Look like he don't wash his hands when he cook.

Don't nobody want none of that piss cake.

- Well, Terry likes his cake,

so I'm gonna get a slice and we can go.

- Okay, folks, let's get started.

- Too late.

- As president of the neighborhood watch,

I want to encourage us all to stay vigilant.

Now, show of hands, whose houses have been hit so far?

- That's how they look at me when I walk into Nordstrom.

- Yeah, well, um, I have some good news that's

bringing us one step closer to nailing this bastard down.

- Good, because we're gonna help you kick his ass.

- Yeah, some real community bonding.

- Yeah, well, based on surveillance footage

from around the neighborhood,

we were able to render a sketch of the robber.

- Oh, my God. - I know that ain't...

- That's...Rick Ross.

- This is fucked up.

Why he didn't let us know nothing?

I needed a new TV. - Bitch.

- Caleb cake so good,

I don't even care if it's a little pissy.

- What am I gonna do?

Terry been so damn happy since we moved here.

How am I gonna tell him they think he's a thief?

- Maybe you're overreacting.

- Oh, my God, you guys!

That sketch, it looked exactly like Terry.

If you squinted, maybe Suge Knight,

but, no, it was Terry.

- See?

- I know it's not Terry. Of course it's not, Terry.

It's not Terry, is it?

- Hell no!

- Right. Of course. Exactly.

Anyway, I just came over to see if you two were okay.

- No, we're not.

They trying to get the police to kill my husband.

Then I gotta go on the news and say he was innocent.

And you know that damn Tucker Carlson is gonna say

he was a drug dealer and he responsible for 9/11.

[cell phone chiming]

This is all the neighbors texting me their support.

- Well, that's nice.

- It would have been nice if they showed me they

support while we was at the meeting.

Now they all want to hide behind they damn phone.

- And I am sorry about that, but I just don't

think anyone in this neighborhood

seriously thinks Terry is the robber.

Okay, let me rephrase that.

I don't think anyone in this neighborhood seriously

thinks Terry is the robber, except Caleb.

- What? Caleb thinks dad's the robber?

- Yeah, well, we don't know.

- Oh, this is the best day of my life.

My Black card just got a credit increase.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Did you hear? They think you-- [muffled]

- Whoa, whoa. Is that my boy Caleb's cake?

- It's Junebug's now.

Get the fuck out of here before you fuck up my carpet.

- Yeah! Mm. Mmm-mmm-mmm. [chuckles]

Hey, baby, how was the community meeting, huh?

- Great.

- Aren't y'all glad you all went?

- Mm-hmm. - See?

You a real suburban neighbor now.

- That's a dead nigga walking.

- We have to protect him from this.

- What are we gonna do?

Rob ourself to get Caleb off our back.

- That's actually a good idea. - Yeah, it kind of is.

- I was just joking, and, you know,

that crazy shit won't work.

Plus, all of this is gonna blow over.

[doorbell chimes]

- Hello, ladies.

- Looks like I can go on ahead and print them Terry shirts.

- What y'all want?

- We were contacted by your local neighborhood watch.

- Oh, you mean Caleb?

- We're just checking in on everyone

on the street, making sure everything is okay.

- We're fine, officer. - I'm glad to hear it.

Is your husband around, by any chance?

- No. What you want with him?

- No, nothing. Again, this is all just routine.

Call us if you need anything.

- Thank you, officers. - Mm-hmm.

- And Black Lives Matter!

Did I use that wrong?

- Well, if you got to think about it then...

- Why the hell would he send them over here?

- 'Cause they building a case. We gotta do something.

- Can we just say we got robbed?

- I just don't think that's enough.

Caleb has cameras set up everywhere.

He'll know.

But I do have a pair of leather gloves

I've been dying to break in.

- Okay, and I got a new set of tools

I've been dying to use on a break in.

[chuckles] You in, Pat-Pat?

- Do you really think to prove that we ain't robbing,

we gotta rob?

That's some dumb shit.

I'm in. - [squeals]

- Okay, y'all, here's the plan.

- Can I just say I think this whole thing is stupid?

- Ain't nobody asked you shit.

- I just think you shouldn't be hiding this from dad.

- Okay, well, can I just say

I think what we're doing here is very smart.

- And can I just say that most people don't think

you're very smart.

- Besides my teachers, Janelle, who are most people.

Come on, Mother.

- We're doing this shit at 2:00 a.m.,

while Terry's knocked the fuck out.

- You don't think all the noise is gonna wake him up?

- Girl, Terry would sleep through slavery.

- Another thing we need to make sure of is that Brandon

doesn't find out about any of this.

- So I was actually thinking Brandon would

be a great addition to the team,

because Oceans had 11 and we only have...

four. - Mm-mm.

Brandon couldn't keep a secret if it was tatted on his tongue.

- Oh.

- Where the fuck are you going looking like

Bob The Broke-Ass Builder?

- Dad told me about them robberies

so I went on ahead and bought me some traps.

I got to protect my gaming equipment.

How y'all just sitting here doing nothing when

there's somebody robbing and raping people out there?

- Nobody said nothing about no rape.

- Robbing leads to raping, Aunt Denise.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna catch me a predator

before he tries to catch my booty.

- If you want to catch a predator,

all you had to do is ask me to call your real daddy.

- I'm telling you right now Inspector Ratchet,

he going to be a problem for us.

Junebug, I'm gonna need you on his ass

like Jordans on a broke nigga.

- Okay, so Caleb's cameras are across the street right here,

and they'll catch you, Pat, breaking in here and here.

- Why I gotta be the robber?

- Well, you just have certain abilities.

- She trying to say you good at stealing shit.

- Bitch.

You right, though. - Mm-hmm.

- And we're going to use your soccer mom van

to put all the stolen shit in.

- Oh. Copy that.

- And then we're going to upload

all the footage on our Facebook page.

- Hey, what y'all up to in here?

- We're just talking about what to do

when your husband dick don't work no more.

- You ain't got nothing to add to that conversation.

- Not yet.

So you finished putting up the Ring camera?

- Yeah, yeah.

I was just outside having a chat with my boy Caleb.

- Oh, my God. Terry, I am so sorry. What did he say?

- Elizabeth.

- What are you talking about, Elizabeth?

- That's nice, baby.

I'm glad you two is hitting it off.

- Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm on.

Going and rest these dogs for a bit.

How come we can't just expose KK-Caleb?

- Because it would devastate Terry to find out that his only

one white friend is a stale cracker.

No offense, Elizabeth.

- None taken. I'm no saltine.

- It's almost cute how little you know

about committing crimes.

What the fuck Denise say?

- [clears throat]

Black Dynamite to Loretta Devine, what's your 20?

- Apurate, papi, estoy esperando.

- What kind of freaky Mexican shit is that?

- This thing keeps tuning into the wrong channel.

- Junebug! Junebug, you there? I need help.

- Where the hell you at?

You supposed to be here at 0200 hours.

- I'm stuck on the toilet. Y'all out of baby wipes again.

- [sighs] Go get her some baby wipes.

I'ma still stealing this shit by myself.

- Oh, but make sure you walk past the Ring.

Remember, you want to get caught on camera.

- I know what I'm doing.

This ain't my first home invasion.

Fuck.

Fuck.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Shit...

that felt good.

Fuck!

Bitch, you live here.

Damn.

- Hey. What you doing up so late, man?

- You know, I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd check on you.

- Oh, I appreciate that.

But, uh, gotta be careful out here, all right?

I got a bunch of booby traps,

and I'm not talking about "Home Alone" traps.

I'm talking about "We hunting wabbits" traps.

Okay?

- Ooh, okay. Yeah, yeah, that's, uh, that's hardcore.

- You know, I was just getting ready

to go inside to get a snack.

- Oh, wait, no, no. Uh...

Don't leave me. - What's wrong with you, man?

Are you scared?

- Uh... - Hey, look, man.

I ain't gonna let nothing happen to you, all right?

I got your back.

Plus, you got to remember, I'm one half of a hood zipper.

- Thanks, dog.

You're a good brother.

- Yeah. I also got $10,000 worth of equipment

downstairs, so really, it's more about...

You're welcome, man.

- Hey. You, uh...

sure you know what you're doing with all this stuff?

- Hell, yeah. I dare anyone to try to get past me.

- See, I used to keep my ass kicking to them video games,

but I really feel like I'm going meta tonight.

- [woman speaking Spanish on radio]

- What the hell was that?

- Uh, that's the robber.

Someone in trouble at the Wilson house.

- Sounds like he moved from robbing to raping.

Don't worry. Help is on the way!

If something happens to me, delete my browser history.

- Oh, hey, Ma.

[laughs] I got the house all empty.

Take your time.

- [snoring]

[quietly] Baby, you hear that?

Baby.

[groans]

Baby, somebody's in the house,

you just stay in there and lock the door.

[karate yell]

Ah, shit!

- Pat, thank you for letting

Junebug bring me those baby wipes.

It was regular toilet paper there,

but you know my ass need VIP treatment.

What is you doing?

You defeating the purpose.

If you gonna take shit,

take the shit that's worth something.

Goddamn.

Oh, and don't forget the flower jar

where you keep all the rainy day cash.

[laughs]

Yeah, now put it in here

and come on, let's go to the basement

so I can help you get all of Brandon's video game shit.

Now, that's 4 grand easy. [chuckles]

I miss this. This is really fun.

- [grunting]

- Ah! Shit!

I hope you ready to die!

- You just gonna beat the shit out your wife, Terry.

- Pat?

- What is going on?

- You remember when Pookie was robbing that house

and he had us call 911 because his fat ass

got stuck trying to climb out the window--

Oh, shit. - That's the real robber!

Get him, Terry!

- Hey, Mom.

- Get over here! - Hey, Mom.

- [shouts]

- Call the police!

- No!

- What? But this is my first citizen's arrest.

- I'm a convicted felon with a ski mask on,

we ain't calling no damn police.

Shit. I was hoping you was white.

- The hell wrong with you coming up in my family house?

- Um-um-um-um...

- Um-um-um-um--I'm about to get some fucking answers.

I know that. - Mm-hmm.

- I can't believe you tried to rape us.

- What's taking you so long?

I've been waiting in the getaway van.

Shit. I was hoping you were white.

- Look, I'm sorry. I just-- just have to feed my family.

I don't meant to bother nobody.

- Feed your family? Nigga, stop eating seconds!

- And why did you rob us last?

Is it 'cause we Black?

- Janelle, shh!

- Well, she not lying. I didn't think y'all had shit.

- I can't believe you let him go, Ma.

- He said he was doing it to just feed his family,

and I believed him.

Hell, somebody gave me a second chance.

- And me a 12th chance.

- I still think we should have called the police.

- Nah, I'm good on a bullet for tonight.

- I'm just glad it's over. Everybody sleep easy tonight.

- Lucy and Ethel.

- Ethel 'bout to take her Black ass home.

- Shit.

- The hell was going on up in here tonight?

Why are you robbing our own house?

- Well, we... - Don't you lie to me, Pat.

- Look, I don't know how to tell you this,

but your best friend Caleb was out here profiling your ass.

All the neighbors think you the robber.

- Why would you keep something like that from me?

- Because I love the way you see the world.

And it's the way the world is supposed to be.

I just didn't want you to get hurt.

But look on the bright side, we still got good people out here.

Elizabeth even helped us tonight.

It's still a nice and safe place to raise our kids.

As long as we don't bring no more of my family.

- I'm disappointed in Caleb.

Not shocked, but disappointed. [sighs]

- I'm sorry. - I know you are.

But I just can't believe that you

would hide all this stuff from me.

This is reality, baby, no matter where we go.

My grandma used to say being colored in this country

is like a blues song waiting for the next verse to start.

- That's why I was trying to protect you,

because I didn't want you to be the next Tracy Elliot.

- I already am Tracy Elliot.

You can't hide the threat.

See?

All you got to do is help me live bigger than the threat.

- I hear you.

You gonna be okay?

- Yeah, baby, I'll be fine.

One rotten tooth don't mess up the whole smile.

- But it do make funky-ass breath.

- [laughs]

[birds chirping]

What the hell?

- Pat, where's the coffee maker?

- Mama, I'm in the championship today.

Can you put my gaming system back, please?

- I don't have that shit.

- What? - You mean...

- That bastard came back and got us.

- Oh, my Lord.

- Told you we should have called the police.

- The one time I try to be nice.

This motherfucking neighborhood is making me soft.

See, back in the 90's,

I would have slit that nigga throat with a Jodeci CD.

[doorbell chimes]

- Hey. - Oh. Hi!

I heard you guys got robbed...

by a white guy.

- That bastard got everything.

- Well, we are all just so sorry.

And if there's anything that we can do, please let us know.

I mean, we're--we're neighbors, and we have to stick together.

- Thank you. Y'all good people.

But there's too many white people in my house. Now, go on.

Y'all make me want to throw away my seasoning.

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

Caleb.

- Saw the whole thing on the cameras.

There were two of 'em.

- Neither one of them were me.

- Terry, I'm-- all I can say is I am sorry.

I sincerely apologize.

I never want to assume anything like that,

especially with the climate, the way things are.

I should have known better.

- Got it.

- Look, I remembered how much you

enjoyed my chocolate cake, so I made one

just for you.

Terry, none of this was personal.

You are a great neighbor and I am glad we're friends.

- Right?

- Right. See you around, Caleb.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

- I was gonna eat that.

[all laughing]

- What y'all laughing at?

We just watching you on this good surveillance tape.

Look, that door tearing your butt up! [laughs]

- I hope one day Black people don't have to go through this.

- Black people don't ever have to go through this.

Mama chose to.

- I guess that's what we got to do to fit in, huh?

- Nothing has to fit in where it already belongs.

- Tell that shit to my Spanx.

[laughing]

- She mad!

Fuck y'all!

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With three damn kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪