Original subtitles

announcer: "The Ms. Pat Show" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Y'all ever seen a beautiful Black woman

who cut off all her hair

and wonder why the bitch went crazy?

Especially when her head is shaped like a big-ass Pop Rock.

Why would any woman wanna walk around like her life work

is to protect rich niggas in Wakanda?

But the older I get, the more I realize

it's for freedom from what people think you are

and from what you think of yourself.

Every day, y'all, women flock to the Dominican Republic

for a new ass on discount.

It takes a lot of work to feel beautiful and worthy.

But there's only two secrets

to really feeling beautiful and worthy,

go bald and take yo ass to Dominican Republic.

Ow, Terry! Tender-headed and heavy-handed

don't go together! - I'm--I'm sorry, baby.

I'll be a little bit more gentle.

[doorbell dings]

- Somebody get the door!

- Junebug, get the door!

- Don't tell me what to do!

- Is anybody getting the door? - Junebug is!

- Junebug ain't. Brandon is.

- Brandon is not! [doorbell dings]

- Stop yelling in my house and get the goddamn door!

- Hey, hey, hey, don't let them kids get you all worked up now.

Our anniversary is coming up, and I'ma need all your energy.

[growls]

[chuckles]

Hey, I made reservations at your favorite restaurant.

- You got reservations at Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday?

You a bad motherfucker.

- No, no, no, no,

we're going to that place you can't pronounce.

- Le Pussy Cafe? - It's Le Pous Cafe.

- Oh, I like that place, Le Pussy Cafe.

Aw, hell! Which one of y'all let her in?

- Junebug! - Brandon!

- Janelle! - Well, I ain't no snitch,

so let's just say the Black one.

Happy soon-to-be anniversary, y'all!

And, Terry, I see you.

Trying take her hair down so you can grab it later.

You so nasty.

- What you want, Denise?

- Well, I came to use y'all kitchen

so I can mix up my new hair serum.

- Oh, you livin' with your man now.

What's wrong with y'all kitchen?

- First off, this is where my staff lives.

And second, Lee can't take the smell.

- We don't want to smell octopus ass either.

- Fine. But when Terry finish my hair,

I'ma need you to rewash it and re-braid it.

- I got you.

Oh, and you guys might want to burn some candles

before this Black magic bless your nostrils.

- Aw, don't she seem happy now? - She does.

- I just hope she take this business shit serious.

And I'm glad to have her back.

- [chuckles] You missed her, huh?

- Yeah, she like a seat belt beep.

You can't stand the shit,

but you can't get it out of your head.

- [chuckles]

Baby, why don't you just rock

your real hair for a while?

- I'll rock mine's when you grow yours.

- For real, why you keep wearing all them wigs

when you got all this hair?

I mean, it looks longer than your criminal record.

- You jealous? 'Cause I can buy you a wig

for our anniversary gift if you want me to.

- Chill out, girl. [chuckles]

- Don't tell me you want a Brazilian lace-front

so you can be a bad bitch.

- No, baby, I want what you got.

I want hair like yours, nappy and crunchy.

[chuckles] Wha--wha--what?

Did I pull it too hard again?

What's wrong?

- I'll take down my own damn hair.

- Damn, baby. Hey, what did I do?

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Oh, damn!

My product's so thick,

it done broke your mama's mixer.

So you gon' need to put some elbow grease

into that stirring, Niecy.

- All this work I'm doing,

it should be called Denise's Niece's Grease.

- Girl, please. Supervisors don't work.

You think that Madam C.J. Walker

was mixing her own shit?

- Oh, whoa, what in the damn?

That scent is burning my nostrils!

- That's good. It's relaxing your nose hairs.

And plus, this town didn't have

all the ingredients that I need,

so I had to improvise.

I think the only Black hair care product

I found was a Jheri Curl kit.

- Ugh! It smells like a burp farted in here.

Ugh! - Hey, hey, hey, Junebug.

Just the cute lil' nigga I wanted to see!

- What you need, Auntie?

- Well, I wanna do some marketing

for my new hair serum on social media,

but I ain't got no followers.

- Well, you could go live on my account.

You'll reach a bigger audience.

- Perfect! How we gon' do it?

- I would film it for you

if Ma and Dad would give me my phone back!

- No! - Hell nah!

- Well now, you could use mine

for the regular price on the low.

- You already got me for a dub today.

- Well, apparently, that's how much

Snapchatting White girls for an hour means to you.

- You can use my phone. Just sign into your account.

- Great! Just don't look at my DMs.

- Don't nobody want to see them mosquito bite titties

them girls be sending you.

And, Janelle, I want you to be the face of the brand.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, I want you

to be my model, yes!

- Well, I have a debate coming up

and they're streaming it,

so, you know, I need to look good.

Does it really work?

- Does it work? Does it work?

Did this girl just ask me do it work?

Do you see this?

This is a billion-dollar pro--

Ooh, shit! I said a billion dollars.

Okay, I felt like Rihanna when I said that.

- Okay, yeah.

All right, but this Soulja Boy Booger Glue better work.

- Why you walking around with your hair like that?

- Who fed you after midnight?

- The same person who ain't gonna feed you again

with your Gremlin-looking ass.

- Why didn't Daddy finish taking your hair out?

- I don't want that man touching me.

- That man?

You was fine with it two seconds ago.

- Well, I'm not fine with it now.

Finish taking out my hair.

And don't use that cat shit

you got boiling out on the stove.

- Don't diss my product, Pat, 'cause it work on cats too.

- 'Cause they got nine lives.

- What's wrong, Ma?

- Your daddy done called me nappy and crunchy.

- Is that what he said or is that what you heard?

- I know what he said, Denise.

- There's nothing wrong with nappy and kinky.

I mean, they're real forms and beautiful textures of hair.

- Thank you, Niggapedia.

- Well, why do you wear fake hair if not to conform

to a European standard of beauty?

- Don't start that George Washington Carver

bullshit today.

- Who said anything about peanut butter?

- Apparently, Terry did, the crunchy kind.

- Look, Ma, I'm serious.

I mean, why don't you just wear

your natural hair?

- 'Cause it's too much work. - I do it.

- You don't have a job. I'm a comedian.

If I get on stage with my natural hair,

them fuckin' lights is gonna draw my hair up.

I'ma come up out of that bitch looking like a chia pet.

- Yeah, and I just like to look different on a daily basis.

You know, I feel like my Mood Wigs

let people know how I feel.

Like today, I feel like a boss bitch...

[chuckles]

So I wore Barbra.

- Well, Barbra, this is Shirley.

And can you focus?

'Cause you hurtin' my damn head.

- Look, all I'm saying is

you don't have to always wear fake hair

just to protect it.

- I know I don't have to. I want to.

- But why?

I mean, your hair is beautiful, Ma.

- Tell that to your daddy.

- This ain't got nothing to do with Dad.

This has to do with you.

- Okay, Janelle. - Ma, I'm serious, okay?

All I'm trying to say is if you wear your natural hair,

you actually might like it. - Let it go, Janelle.

- What? I didn't say nothing wrong.

But if you hear me out, all I'm--

- Let it go!

- Yes, ma'am.

- It's okay, Ma. Do what you want.

Men get judged on their hair just like y'all do.

I mean, I don't get play from the ladies

if I don't have the fresh fade

or if I don't shave my beard.

- Come here, son. - Huh? Ow!

- Now, I got more chin hair than you do.

- I'm for real, though, Ma. I know how it feels.

Y'all put a lot of pressure on Black men,

which is why I understand

why we like to have an opinion on our women's hair.

Ain't that right, Brandon?

- Oh, you ain't finna get me neutered.

- Boy, you don't know what the hell you talking about.

Ain't no man gon' tell me nothing about my hair.

Not the hair that I buy

or not the hair that I grow, okay?

They barely know how to wash they ass correctly.

- I know that's right. Then they got the nerve

to ask you to eat it.

So this ain't no safe place no more?

- [grunts]

I want to be sorry, baby, but you gotta tell me

what to be sorry for so I can be sorry for it.

- That's some sorry shit, Terry.

- I'm sorry? - Go to sleep.

- Well, uh, I can give you something

to help you sleep a little easy.

A little anniversary appetizer.

A little Terry pu-pu platter.

- Don't nobody want no pu-pu platter.

Read the room!

- I can't read it if you don't give me the book.

- I shouldn't have to get you a book

for you to fuckin' know that you--

You know what? Fuck the anniversary dinner.

I don't want to go to that pussy place anyway.

- Baby.

- I don't want to celebrate with nobody

who don't know when they hurt me.

- Hurt you? Baby, how did I hurt you?

Pat, what the hell are you talking about?

- Talkin' about some pu-pu platter.

Pu-pu my ass.

- Oh. Whatever, man.

- You know you're too big for that space, right?

- I don't tell you what you too big for.

[flushes toilet]

[water running]

- Ouch, Ma! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Hold still before I break your neck.

- Stop crying, PatPat. It's almost over.

- But, it hurts!

- So does my hand

from having to comb this shit!

Why can't your hair be soft like your sister's?

- I wish I had hair like Denise.

Ow! I don't want nappy hair.

- Well, see, girl, this is what I get

for fucking her nappy-headed-ass daddy.

Gave that man everything,

and he just gon' leave me alone like I ain't shit!

Now, Denise's daddy, he had a beautiful everything

and knew what do with it.

Why I let him fuck me?

Nuh-uh, baby, let's get one thing straight.

Pat's daddy ain't fucked me.

I fucked Pat's daddy! [chuckles]

Shoulda never messed with that motherfucker,

'cause now here I am dealing with this shit.

- Your hair is as pretty as mine.

- Girl, I'll beat your ass lying to your sister like that.

- [sighs]

- Did you guys hear Mom called off

her anniversary dinner?

- Janelle, would you stay

out of their business

and stay focused on my business.

Here, that's for you. Okay.

Now, it's time to make this money.

Okay, try to keep the camera on my good side.

- The back of your head?

- You gon' catch the back of this hand.

And don't scroll through none of my pictures

or you gon' see something you don't wanna see.

- Don't nobody want to see

them Chick-O-Stick penises them men be sending you.

- Okay, uh, le-- let's just get this over with.

- Okay.

We are live on Instagram in five, four, three, two--

- Hey, my sisters! How y'all doing?

I'm Denise Ford, the owner-creator

of the soon-to-be Fortune 500 company

Denise Grease.

Watch out now, Shea Moisture,

'cause shea comin' for you.

- Ooh. - [laughs]

It's the pun for me.

But let me just introduce y'all to my new product.

Bam, Good Grief Bald Spot Relief,

designed to celebrate growth.

Now, ladies, I know that life can be stressful

when we lose the things that are most important to us.

But that's why I'm here,

to help you fill in the empty spots of your life.

With what? Bam! Good Grief Bald Spot Relief

for hair growth.

'Cause it is time for you hoes

to start filling in them potholes.

Now, let me show y'all how this works.

- Whoo, Jesus Jerome Christ!

- Huh? Hey! ♪ Oh, glory! ♪

Okay!

Did you see her catch the Holy Ghost?

Okay, 'cause I'm telling you my stuff is anointed.

Ain't that right?

- Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, that is right.

Uh, sorry, uh, uh, Goo--Good Grief Bald Spot, uh--

- Relief! - Relief.

It's so top notch, you can really smell the--

the quality of the ingredients.

- Yes. And all Denise Greases are a multifunctional product.

Yeah, the label, it's real easy to read unless you can't read.

Then it's probably still gon' be hard for you.

But it helps your hair grow,

stay in place, retain heat, and retain moisture,

all at the same time.

Because let me tell you, it binds

with the coagulant of the molecule

and the dermal layer and whatnot.

[laughs] That's science, y'all!

Ask my nigga Bill Nye.

- Hey, Ma. - I'm busy.

- Okay, I'm just here to talk to you,

but it's not for me. It's for Dad.

- So what are you, his carrier pigeon now?

- Well, he asked Janelle to talk to you,

but she's down there helping out Denise,

so she asked me to talk to you for her, for Dad.

- I can see why you wasn't his first choice.

- Look, Terry still wants to take you out

for your anniversary.

- What that got to do with me?

- 'Cause he want to know why you still mad at him.

- 'Cause he called me nappy! - Yeah?

- And crunchy!

You don't talk about a woman's hair,

especially not mine's!

I been hearing that shit my whole life!

- Okay. But, Ma,

was he trying to be mean or was he just joking?

- What are you trying to say?

- Okay, please understand

that I am scared to death of you right now.

And I hope you recognize the courage that it's taking me

to say what I'm about to say.

But, Ma, I was-- I was just wondering--

- Spit it out!

- Is it possible this has less to do about Dad

and more about you and your past?

- Get the fuck out of my room.

Brandon, you let your daddy know

I'll go to dinner with him, but it's for food.

No lovey-dovey shit.

- Yes! All right. I mean, cool.

Hey, Ma, um,

thank you for allowing me to be

the first Black kid in history to tell his mother

that she was wrong and still be living.

- Don't be the last.

- Wow, this actually feels like--

- Fantabulous? [chuckles] Orgasmic?

Better than a crack high?

- I don't think so.

Her face looks like it wants to call 911.

- It feels like babies are running on my scalp.

Angry little babies holding knives

and stabbing me in my head.

Uh, but in a good way.

[chuckles weakly]

- Yeah. See, the--see, the baby feet,

that mean that it's working.

[chuckles]

'Cause the whatchamacallit gotta get down

to the epidermis, and that's where

those follicles be sleepin' at.

You know? [laughs]

'Cause I guarantee you this,

it'll pimp-slap your follicles

like a hoe who came back empty handed.

- She ain't empty handed.

- What?

What just happened?

What is she holding?

- Girl, would you calm down? Okay?

- [screams]

Oh, my God! What the hell?

Junebug, stop the live!

- Oh, uh-uh-uh. We got 11,000 viewers!

Oh, I'm going viral!

- [sobbing] - Okay, let's go!

Keep rolling, Junebug. Okay, y'all.

Okay, that was her dead hair, and we had to get rid of that.

But let me tell you something, I got another product.

Okay. Okay, now, this one is meant to expedite hair.

Okay, you ain't ready for this one.

Okay, bam! That's a Boo-Rag.

Okay, that is a bonnet and a durag.

It's perfect for y'all long, nape-necked bitches.

- Ooh, Pat, we gon' step on these bitches' necks tonight!

- Ugh, this shit's stupid!

- Where the hell you come from?

- Whoa, you're pretty.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- You pretty too, baby.

- You got jokes.

- Why don't you think you pretty?

- 'Cause I don't got hair like yours?

- You think this is my hair?

- You don't think it looks good?

- Yeah, but it's not my hair.

- I hate my hair.

I hate all of me.

- You shouldn't feel like that.

- Isn't that the way you feel?

I will never be like Denise.

I'll never be pretty.

- We have to stop this. - Stop what?

- Thinking we're not pretty 'cause she say we're not.

We're beautiful.

- You really believe that?

- I want to.

- Yeah.

Pat?

Oh, it's you.

- Why everybody say that when I show up?

- Where's your mom?

- Oh, she said she'll meet you there.

- What you mean, meet me there?

Didn't you even talk to her?

- She will be there, trust me.

I'm the woman whisperer, man. Come on.

- What woman you been whispering to?

- Well, the one I hooked up with

in my basement last Friday.

- You did not. - You right.

But I was close. - No, you weren't.

- You right.

Now, get going. - Fine, fine, fine.

I'ma celebrate my anniversary with or without her!

But make sure it ain't without her.

- Hey, listen, man, either way, after 25 years,

you gotta turn up

for not leaving Mom for a quieter woman.

- I still think about it.

[classical music playing]

- Are you ready to order, sir,

or are you still pretending you have a date?

- I do have a date.

- Buddy, we get guys in here who get stood up all the time.

It's okay. She probably walked in,

saw that you looked nothing like your photos,

and took her ass back home. I get it, bro.

- Look, that's not--[chuckles] I'm married, man.

- And you're cheating on your wife?

- No!

Look, my wife's on her way, okay?

Just, uh--just go about your business.

- Cheater at table six!

- Who the hell you cheating on me with?

You gon' pull the chair out

or you gon' stare at me like I'm a rib?

- You look stunning. - Whatever.

I said no lovey-dovey shit.

- Well, you look as beautiful as the day I first met you.

- You thought I was nappy and crunchy back then, too?

- Listen, I-- - You hurt me.

- I would--I would never--- - You hurt me, but it's okay.

I'm not mad at you. - You're not mad?

- No, I'm mad at my past.

- Tell me, baby.

- Every day, my mama would say

I'm a Black this and a nappy and a ugly that,

all because I didn't have hair like Denise.

- You mean to tell me Denise wasn't born

in a lace-front?

- I needed someone to blame, and I blamed you.

- Sounds like your mama was the one to blame.

- Yeah, but God killed her, so you was next.

- [sighs]

I'm sorry I added to that.

- It's okay.

I just got a lot of work to do on myself.

- Hmm. For real, though,

I never meant to call you anything lesser

than what you are, baby-- immaculate.

I will love you when we have no hair--

- Yours went first.

- No teeth--

- Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you?

- Blind, can't walk--

- Hmm, what about when my titties fall down

to my behind and I got a goose neck?

- I'll pick up that neck and kiss it.

[laughs]

Happy anniversary, baby.

- You're really trying to get some tonight?

- You damn right!

Come on.

Yeah. See that?

- I know I said no lovey-dovey shit, but keep going.

- [chuckles]

- I have a gift for you, too.

- You do? What'd you get me?

- Something you been talkin' about a lot lately.

Something you ain't had in a while.

And it's something that's gonna make you feel like a new man.

- Huh? All right.

- Every king deserve his crown.

- [chuckles]

Ahh, "A toupee for my bae.

Now you know how it feels." Hmm.

"The wig is synthetic, but my love is real."

Huh. - Happy anniversary, baby.

[chuckles] - All power to the people.

[chuckles]

Shit.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Check!

- Denise already got you high.

I don't know why you would try her product in the first place.

- Well, because I missed her.

And I was trying to support Black businesses.

- Child, there's a difference between Black business

and nigga business.

And niggas don't need no support.

Now I gotta put a damn track in your hair.

- But what about my debate? I'm gonna look ridiculous.

Ow. - Calm down.

Bald bitches are in now.

- Hey, y'all.

Well, okay, now we know that we had a bad batch.

The government does it all the time with vaccines.

But I promise it'll be new and improved

by our next tutorial.

- Next tutorial?

Your mind must be where my hair is--gone.

You got me looking like I'm moving on up to the east side.

- Look, I know your auntie done fucked up your head--

- It's gonna grow back fuller, watch.

- But like you told me earlier, no matter

if it's natural hair, wigs, or weave,

or whatever the fuck she done did to your head,

you still a beautiful Black woman.

And I love you.

- Mama, stop stealing

my George Washington Carver talk.

- Go let Denise get you a wig

before I fucking write a joke

about these potholes in your head.

- [laughs] Yes, Niecy, I got the perfect wig for you.

Now, listen, when you put this on,

you gotta show up and show off 'cause you representing me.

both: Okay.

- Rabbit! Get your ass in this kitchen

and wash these dishes!

- Tell her she pretty.

- What?

- Tell her she pretty.

- Fuck you.

- [chuckles]

That's why you're dead, bitch!

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show ♪

♪ ♪