All language subtitles for The.Ms.Pat.Show.S02E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-WhiteHat_track3_[eng]

announcer:
"The Ms. Pat Show" is filmed

in front of
a live studio audience.

- Y'all ever seen
a beautiful Black woman

who cut off all her hair

and wonder
why the bitch went crazy?

Especially when her head is
shaped like a big-ass Pop Rock.

Why would any woman wanna
walk around like her life work

is to protect rich niggas
in Wakanda?

But the older I get,
the more I realize

it's for freedom
from what people think you are

and from what you think
of yourself.

Every day, y'all, women flock
to the Dominican Republic

for a new ass on discount.

It takes a lot of work
to feel beautiful and worthy.

But there's only two secrets

to really feeling
beautiful and worthy,

go bald and take yo ass
to Dominican Republic.

Ow, Terry!
Tender-headed and heavy-handed

don't go together!
- I'm--I'm sorry, baby.

I'll be
a little bit more gentle.

[doorbell dings]

- Somebody get the door!

- Junebug, get the door!

- Don't tell me what to do!

- Is anybody getting the door?
- Junebug is!

- Junebug ain't.
Brandon is.

- Brandon is not!
[doorbell dings]

- Stop yelling in my house
and get the goddamn door!

- Hey, hey, hey, don't let them
kids get you all worked up now.

Our anniversary is coming up,
and I'ma need all your energy.

[growls]

[chuckles]

Hey, I made reservations
at your favorite restaurant.

- You got reservations
at Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday?

You a bad motherfucker.

- No, no, no, no,

we're going to that place
you can't pronounce.

- Le Pussy Cafe?
- It's Le Pous Cafe.

- Oh, I like that place,
Le Pussy Cafe.

Aw, hell!
Which one of y'all let her in?

- Junebug!
- Brandon!

- Janelle!
- Well, I ain't no snitch,

so let's just say
the Black one.

Happy soon-to-be
anniversary, y'all!

And, Terry, I see you.

Trying take her hair down
so you can grab it later.

You so nasty.

- What you want, Denise?

- Well, I came to use
y'all kitchen

so I can mix up
my new hair serum.

- Oh, you livin'
with your man now.

What's wrong
with y'all kitchen?

- First off,
this is where my staff lives.

And second,
Lee can't take the smell.

- We don't want to
smell octopus ass either.

- Fine.
But when Terry finish my hair,

I'ma need you to rewash it
and re-braid it.

- I got you.

Oh, and you guys might want
to burn some candles

before this Black magic
bless your nostrils.

- Aw, don't she seem happy now?
- She does.

- I just hope she take
this business shit serious.

And I'm glad to have her back.

- [chuckles]
You missed her, huh?

- Yeah, she like
a seat belt beep.

You can't stand the shit,

but you can't get it
out of your head.

- [chuckles]

Baby, why don't you just rock

your real hair for a while?

- I'll rock mine's
when you grow yours.

- For real, why you keep
wearing all them wigs

when you got all this hair?

I mean, it looks longer
than your criminal record.

- You jealous?
'Cause I can buy you a wig

for our anniversary gift
if you want me to.

- Chill out, girl.
[chuckles]

- Don't tell me you want
a Brazilian lace-front

so you can be a bad bitch.

- No, baby,
I want what you got.

I want hair like yours,
nappy and crunchy.

[chuckles]
Wha--wha--what?

Did I pull it
too hard again?

What's wrong?

- I'll take down
my own damn hair.

- Damn, baby.
Hey, what did I do?

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Oh, damn!

My product's so thick,

it done broke
your mama's mixer.

So you gon' need
to put some elbow grease

into that stirring, Niecy.

- All this work I'm doing,

it should be called
Denise's Niece's Grease.

- Girl, please.
Supervisors don't work.

You think that
Madam C.J. Walker

was mixing her own shit?

- Oh, whoa, what in the damn?

That scent is
burning my nostrils!

- That's good.
It's relaxing your nose hairs.

And plus,
this town didn't have

all the ingredients
that I need,

so I had to improvise.

I think the only
Black hair care product

I found was a Jheri Curl kit.

- Ugh! It smells
like a burp farted in here.

Ugh!
- Hey, hey, hey, Junebug.

Just the cute lil' nigga
I wanted to see!

- What you need, Auntie?

- Well, I wanna do
some marketing

for my new hair serum
on social media,

but I ain't got no followers.

- Well, you could go live
on my account.

You'll reach a bigger audience.

- Perfect! How we gon' do it?

- I would film it for you

if Ma and Dad
would give me my phone back!

- No!
- Hell nah!

- Well now, you could use mine

for the regular price
on the low.

- You already got me
for a dub today.

- Well, apparently,
that's how much

Snapchatting White girls
for an hour means to you.

- You can use my phone.
Just sign into your account.

- Great! Just don't look
at my DMs.

- Don't nobody want to see
them mosquito bite titties

them girls be sending you.

And, Janelle, I want you to be
the face of the brand.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, I want you

to be my model, yes!

- Well, I have a debate
coming up

and they're streaming it,

so, you know,
I need to look good.

Does it really work?

- Does it work?
Does it work?

Did this girl just ask me
do it work?

Do you see this?

This is a billion-dollar
pro--

Ooh, shit!
I said a billion dollars.

Okay, I felt like Rihanna
when I said that.

- Okay, yeah.

All right, but this Soulja Boy
Booger Glue better work.

- Why you walking around
with your hair like that?

- Who fed you after midnight?

- The same person who ain't
gonna feed you again

with your Gremlin-looking ass.

- Why didn't Daddy finish
taking your hair out?

- I don't want that man
touching me.

- That man?

You was fine with it
two seconds ago.

- Well, I'm not fine
with it now.

Finish taking out my hair.

And don't use that cat shit

you got boiling
out on the stove.

- Don't diss my product, Pat,
'cause it work on cats too.

- 'Cause they got nine lives.

- What's wrong, Ma?

- Your daddy done called me
nappy and crunchy.

- Is that what he said
or is that what you heard?

- I know what he said, Denise.

- There's nothing wrong
with nappy and kinky.

I mean, they're real forms
and beautiful textures of hair.

- Thank you, Niggapedia.

- Well, why do you wear
fake hair if not to conform

to a European standard
of beauty?

- Don't start that
George Washington Carver

bullshit today.

- Who said anything
about peanut butter?

- Apparently, Terry did,
the crunchy kind.

- Look, Ma, I'm serious.

I mean,
why don't you just wear

your natural hair?

- 'Cause it's too much work.
- I do it.

- You don't have a job.
I'm a comedian.

If I get on stage
with my natural hair,

them fuckin' lights
is gonna draw my hair up.

I'ma come up out of that bitch
looking like a chia pet.

- Yeah, and I just like to look
different on a daily basis.

You know,
I feel like my Mood Wigs

let people know how I feel.

Like today,
I feel like a boss bitch...

[chuckles]

So I wore Barbra.

- Well, Barbra,
this is Shirley.

And can you focus?

'Cause you hurtin'
my damn head.

- Look, all I'm saying is

you don't have to always wear
fake hair

just to protect it.

- I know I don't have to.
I want to.

- But why?

I mean, your hair
is beautiful, Ma.

- Tell that to your daddy.

- This ain't got nothing
to do with Dad.

This has to do with you.

- Okay, Janelle.
- Ma, I'm serious, okay?

All I'm trying to say is
if you wear your natural hair,

you actually might like it.
- Let it go, Janelle.

- What?
I didn't say nothing wrong.

But if you hear me out,
all I'm--

- Let it go!

- Yes, ma'am.

- It's okay, Ma.
Do what you want.

Men get judged on their hair
just like y'all do.

I mean, I don't get play
from the ladies

if I don't have
the fresh fade

or if I don't shave my beard.

- Come here, son.
- Huh? Ow!

- Now, I got more chin hair
than you do.

- I'm for real, though, Ma.
I know how it feels.

Y'all put a lot of pressure
on Black men,

which is why I understand

why we like to have an opinion
on our women's hair.

Ain't that right, Brandon?

- Oh, you ain't finna
get me neutered.

- Boy, you don't know what
the hell you talking about.

Ain't no man gon' tell me
nothing about my hair.

Not the hair that I buy

or not the hair
that I grow, okay?

They barely know how
to wash they ass correctly.

- I know that's right.
Then they got the nerve

to ask you to eat it.

So this ain't no safe place
no more?

- [grunts]

I want to be sorry, baby,
but you gotta tell me

what to be sorry for
so I can be sorry for it.

- That's some sorry shit,
Terry.

- I'm sorry?
- Go to sleep.

- Well, uh, I can give you
something

to help you sleep
a little easy.

A little anniversary appetizer.

A little Terry pu-pu platter.

- Don't nobody want
no pu-pu platter.

Read the room!

- I can't read it
if you don't give me the book.

- I shouldn't have to get you
a book

for you to fuckin' know
that you--

You know what?
Fuck the anniversary dinner.

I don't want to go
to that pussy place anyway.

- Baby.

- I don't want
to celebrate with nobody

who don't know
when they hurt me.

- Hurt you?
Baby, how did I hurt you?

Pat, what the hell
are you talking about?

- Talkin' about
some pu-pu platter.

Pu-pu my ass.

- Oh. Whatever, man.

- You know you're too big
for that space, right?

- I don't tell you
what you too big for.

[flushes toilet]

[water running]

- Ouch, Ma!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Hold still
before I break your neck.

- Stop crying, PatPat.
It's almost over.

- But, it hurts!

- So does my hand

from having to comb this shit!

Why can't your hair
be soft like your sister's?

- I wish I had hair
like Denise.

Ow! I don't want nappy hair.

- Well, see, girl,
this is what I get

for fucking her
nappy-headed-ass daddy.

Gave that man everything,

and he just gon' leave me alone
like I ain't shit!

Now, Denise's daddy,
he had a beautiful everything

and knew what do with it.

Why I let him fuck me?

Nuh-uh, baby,
let's get one thing straight.

Pat's daddy ain't fucked me.

I fucked Pat's daddy!
[chuckles]

Shoulda never messed
with that motherfucker,

'cause now here I am
dealing with this shit.

- Your hair is
as pretty as mine.

- Girl, I'll beat your ass
lying to your sister like that.

- [sighs]

- Did you guys hear
Mom called off

her anniversary dinner?

- Janelle, would you stay

out of their business

and stay focused
on my business.

Here, that's for you.
Okay.

Now, it's time
to make this money.

Okay, try to keep the camera
on my good side.

- The back of your head?

- You gon' catch
the back of this hand.

And don't scroll
through none of my pictures

or you gon' see something
you don't wanna see.

- Don't nobody want to see

them Chick-O-Stick penises
them men be sending you.

- Okay, uh, le--
let's just get this over with.

- Okay.

We are live on Instagram
in five, four, three, two--

- Hey, my sisters!
How y'all doing?

I'm Denise Ford,
the owner-creator

of the soon-to-be
Fortune 500 company

Denise Grease.

Watch out now, Shea Moisture,

'cause shea comin' for you.

- Ooh.
- [laughs]

It's the pun for me.

But let me just introduce
y'all to my new product.

Bam, Good Grief
Bald Spot Relief,

designed to celebrate growth.

Now, ladies, I know
that life can be stressful

when we lose the things
that are most important to us.

But that's why I'm here,

to help you fill in
the empty spots of your life.

With what? Bam!
Good Grief Bald Spot Relief

for hair growth.

'Cause it is time for you hoes

to start
filling in them potholes.

Now, let me show y'all
how this works.

- Whoo, Jesus Jerome Christ!

- Huh? Hey!
♪ Oh, glory! ♪

Okay!

Did you see her catch
the Holy Ghost?

Okay, 'cause I'm telling you
my stuff is anointed.

Ain't that right?

- Mm-hmm.
Yes, yes, that is right.

Uh, sorry, uh, uh,
Goo--Good Grief Bald Spot, uh--

- Relief!
- Relief.

It's so top notch,
you can really smell the--

the quality
of the ingredients.

- Yes. And all Denise Greases
are a multifunctional product.

Yeah, the label, it's real easy
to read unless you can't read.

Then it's probably
still gon' be hard for you.

But it helps
your hair grow,

stay in place, retain heat,
and retain moisture,

all at the same time.

Because let me tell you,
it binds

with the coagulant
of the molecule

and the dermal layer
and whatnot.

[laughs]
That's science, y'all!

Ask my nigga Bill Nye.

- Hey, Ma.
- I'm busy.

- Okay, I'm just here
to talk to you,

but it's not for me.
It's for Dad.

- So what are you,
his carrier pigeon now?

- Well, he asked Janelle
to talk to you,

but she's down there
helping out Denise,

so she asked me to talk
to you for her, for Dad.

- I can see why you wasn't
his first choice.

- Look, Terry still wants
to take you out

for your anniversary.

- What that got to do with me?

- 'Cause he want to know why
you still mad at him.

- 'Cause he called me nappy!
- Yeah?

- And crunchy!

You don't talk
about a woman's hair,

especially not mine's!

I been hearing that shit
my whole life!

- Okay. But, Ma,

was he trying to be mean
or was he just joking?

- What are you trying to say?

- Okay, please understand

that I am scared to death
of you right now.

And I hope you recognize
the courage that it's taking me

to say what I'm about to say.

But, Ma, I was--
I was just wondering--

- Spit it out!

- Is it possible this has less
to do about Dad

and more about you
and your past?

- Get the fuck out of my room.

Brandon,
you let your daddy know

I'll go to dinner with him,
but it's for food.

No lovey-dovey shit.

- Yes! All right.
I mean, cool.

Hey, Ma, um,

thank you for allowing me to be

the first Black kid in history
to tell his mother

that she was wrong
and still be living.

- Don't be the last.

- Wow, this
actually feels like--

- Fantabulous? [chuckles]
Orgasmic?

Better than a crack high?

- I don't think so.

Her face looks like
it wants to call 911.

- It feels like babies
are running on my scalp.

Angry little babies
holding knives

and stabbing me in my head.

Uh, but in a good way.

[chuckles weakly]

- Yeah.
See, the--see, the baby feet,

that mean that it's working.

[chuckles]

'Cause the whatchamacallit
gotta get down

to the epidermis,
and that's where

those follicles be sleepin' at.

You know? [laughs]

'Cause I guarantee you this,

it'll pimp-slap your follicles

like a hoe
who came back empty handed.

- She ain't empty handed.

- What?

What just happened?

What is she holding?

- Girl, would you calm down?
Okay?

- [screams]

Oh, my God!
What the hell?

Junebug, stop the live!

- Oh, uh-uh-uh.
We got 11,000 viewers!

Oh, I'm going viral!

- [sobbing]
- Okay, let's go!

Keep rolling, Junebug.
Okay, y'all.

Okay, that was her dead hair,
and we had to get rid of that.

But let me tell you something,
I got another product.

Okay. Okay, now, this one is
meant to expedite hair.

Okay, you ain't ready
for this one.

Okay, bam!
That's a Boo-Rag.

Okay, that is
a bonnet and a durag.

It's perfect for y'all
long, nape-necked bitches.

- Ooh, Pat, we gon' step on
these bitches' necks tonight!

- Ugh, this shit's stupid!

- Where the hell you come from?

- Whoa, you're pretty.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- You pretty too, baby.

- You got jokes.

- Why don't you think
you pretty?

- 'Cause I don't got hair
like yours?

- You think this is my hair?

- You don't think
it looks good?

- Yeah, but it's not my hair.

- I hate my hair.

I hate all of me.

- You shouldn't feel like that.

- Isn't that the way you feel?

I will never be like Denise.

I'll never be pretty.

- We have to stop this.
- Stop what?

- Thinking we're not pretty
'cause she say we're not.

We're beautiful.

- You really believe that?

- I want to.

- Yeah.

Pat?

Oh, it's you.

- Why everybody say that
when I show up?

- Where's your mom?

- Oh, she said
she'll meet you there.

- What you mean, meet me there?

Didn't you even talk to her?

- She will be there, trust me.

I'm the woman whisperer, man.
Come on.

- What woman you been
whispering to?

- Well, the one
I hooked up with

in my basement last Friday.

- You did not.
- You right.

But I was close.
- No, you weren't.

- You right.

Now, get going.
- Fine, fine, fine.

I'ma celebrate my anniversary
with or without her!

But make sure
it ain't without her.

- Hey, listen, man, either way,
after 25 years,

you gotta turn up

for not leaving Mom
for a quieter woman.

- I still think about it.

[classical music playing]

- Are you ready to order, sir,

or are you still pretending
you have a date?

- I do have a date.

- Buddy, we get guys in here
who get stood up all the time.

It's okay.
She probably walked in,

saw that you looked
nothing like your photos,

and took her ass back home.
I get it, bro.

- Look, that's not--[chuckles]
I'm married, man.

- And you're cheating
on your wife?

- No!

Look, my wife's
on her way, okay?

Just, uh--just go
about your business.

- Cheater at table six!

- Who the hell
you cheating on me with?

You gon' pull the chair out

or you gon' stare at me
like I'm a rib?

- You look stunning.
- Whatever.

I said no lovey-dovey shit.

- Well, you look as beautiful
as the day I first met you.

- You thought I was nappy
and crunchy back then, too?

- Listen, I--
- You hurt me.

- I would--I would never---
- You hurt me, but it's okay.

I'm not mad at you.
- You're not mad?

- No, I'm mad at my past.

- Tell me, baby.

- Every day, my mama would say

I'm a Black this
and a nappy and a ugly that,

all because
I didn't have hair like Denise.

- You mean to tell me
Denise wasn't born

in a lace-front?

- I needed someone to blame,
and I blamed you.

- Sounds like your mama
was the one to blame.

- Yeah, but God killed her,
so you was next.

- [sighs]

I'm sorry I added to that.

- It's okay.

I just got a lot of work
to do on myself.

- Hmm.
For real, though,

I never meant to call you
anything lesser

than what you are, baby--
immaculate.

I will love you
when we have no hair--

- Yours went first.

- No teeth--

- Oh, you would like that,
wouldn't you?

- Blind, can't walk--

- Hmm, what about
when my titties fall down

to my behind
and I got a goose neck?

- I'll pick up that neck
and kiss it.

[laughs]

Happy anniversary, baby.

- You're really trying to get
some tonight?

- You damn right!

Come on.

Yeah.
See that?

- I know I said no lovey-dovey
shit, but keep going.

- [chuckles]

- I have a gift for you, too.

- You do?
What'd you get me?

- Something you been talkin'
about a lot lately.

Something you ain't
had in a while.

And it's something that's gonna
make you feel like a new man.

- Huh? All right.

- Every king deserve his crown.

- [chuckles]

Ahh, "A toupee for my bae.

Now you know how it feels."
Hmm.

"The wig is synthetic,
but my love is real."

Huh.
- Happy anniversary, baby.

[chuckles]
- All power to the people.

[chuckles]

Shit.

Mmm.
Mm-hmm.

Check!

- Denise already got you high.

I don't know why you would try
her product in the first place.

- Well, because I missed her.

And I was trying to support
Black businesses.

- Child, there's a difference
between Black business

and nigga business.

And niggas don't need
no support.

Now I gotta put a damn track
in your hair.

- But what about my debate?
I'm gonna look ridiculous.

Ow.
- Calm down.

Bald bitches are in now.

- Hey, y'all.

Well, okay, now we know
that we had a bad batch.

The government does it
all the time with vaccines.

But I promise it'll be
new and improved

by our next tutorial.

- Next tutorial?

Your mind must be
where my hair is--gone.

You got me looking like I'm
moving on up to the east side.

- Look, I know your auntie done
fucked up your head--

- It's gonna grow
back fuller, watch.

- But like you told me earlier,
no matter

if it's natural hair,
wigs, or weave,

or whatever the fuck
she done did to your head,

you still
a beautiful Black woman.

And I love you.

- Mama, stop stealing

my George Washington Carver
talk.

- Go let Denise get you a wig

before I fucking write a joke

about these potholes
in your head.

- [laughs] Yes, Niecy,
I got the perfect wig for you.

Now, listen,
when you put this on,

you gotta show up and show off
'cause you representing me.

both: Okay.

- Rabbit!
Get your ass in this kitchen

and wash these dishes!

- Tell her she pretty.

- What?

- Tell her she pretty.

- Fuck you.

- [chuckles]

That's why you're dead,
bitch!

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't
take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show ♪

♪ ♪