Original subtitles

announcer: Tired of all them boring court shows?

In need of a higher authority than Judge Judy

or Judge Joe Brown?

Well, how about a queen?

Court is now in session, honey.

- I love a hung jury.

- Real people, real cases, real extra.

This is "Judge Miss Sophia."

- Denise was thrown out of her sister's house

for no damn reason, and she's been rendered

homeless, jobless, and Brazilian bundle-ness.

She's suing the defendant for loss of property,

emotional distress, and lace-front abuse.

She's mad.

She's asking for $3,500 in damages.

Ms. Pat doesn't know why the hell her sister is suing her

because she knows goddamn well why her ass got put out.

Ms. Pat is countersuing the plaintiff for back rent,

pain and suffering, and just simply

for being a low down dirty bitch.

- And now we finna talk to the family that's caught

in the middle of this crossfire.

You are the husband, right?

- Unfortunately.

- You seem embarrassed.

- It's just-- I believe our family shouldn't

be airing our business on TV like this.

You know what I'm saying? I feel like a Braxton.

- Well, that shirt you got on says

your bank account don't feel like a Braxton.

And what about y'all?

You children, y'all feel the same?

Embarrassed and ashamed?

- Well, I'm just grateful for the exposure, my G.

You see, people have been thirsting

to see this face all on their television screen.

But the real question is, um,

what are the residual checks for some shit like this?

- Brandon, sit your dumbass down.

- Oh, so I'm dumb now?

You know what? I was doing you a favor.

You know what? I'm gonna sit on Aunt Denise' side.

- I don't give a fuck.

- And you?

- I would just like to say that these TV court shows are

making a mockery out of our severely flawed legal system.

We have to-- - And the plaintiff's family

is represented by...

a traitor-- ooh, and a white dude!

- Big fan of the show.

Like, huge.

Huge, huge.

- Ooh, child!

When white people get to watching,

that mean we're getting a bigger budget.

Come through, then.

Now then...

- All rise...

unless you've been tucked.

For the honorably fabulous Judge Justice Miss Sophia.

[disco music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Yass! Judge, you better work!

- Fuck it up, sis. - Yes. Mama, turn back around.

It's not my fault the straights are boring.

- All right, all right, all right.

- Let justice rain like men.

- What kind of Billy Porter ass shit you done got us into?

- I got us into the one court I got a shot at winning.

Cause can't nobody understand wig problems like a drag queen.

Right? - Shush ya mouth in here.

Today, I will be serving lewks

and legally binding opinions.

- She went to law school?

- I got my law degree the same way

Kim Kardashian did:

suspiciously.

- All right, let's get this shit started.

Raise your right hand so I can swear y'all asses in.

- I got my Bible right here, Judge.

- Don't be fooled, Judge.

The closest she ever been to church

is a Tyler Perry play.

- Well, at least I've been saved.

- By the bell.

- She has always been wicked, Your Outrageousness.

And God has been watching, too.

He showed his wrath by taking one of her nipples.

- Mom, take this.

I checked it out from the library.

- I'ma swear in on this thick ass book.

- All right, I'll allow it.

But any outburst in this courtroom

and I will Kunta Kickya ass out of here.

- Paws on the laws, ladies.

- Do you swear to spill the tea, the whole tea,

and nothing but the tea,

so help you, Diana Ross.

- I do. - Diana Ross?

- All right. I wanna get both sides of the story.

Now, I'm gonna start with you, my bible baby.

So tell me, what's going on?

- Well, it's really very simple,

Judge Justice Miss Sophia.

My sister, who I have loved her entire ungodly life,

kicked me out of my home for no reason.

- You know the reason, Denise! [gavel bangs]

My-my-my-my-my-my bad, the cameras just make you

get into it, you know what I'm saying?

- Sit your buff ass down, sir.

- Like I was spilling, before I was so

rudely interrupted, I was forced out of the house

with only the clothes on my back.

She kept all my stuff,

including my prized possessions, my wigs.

- Not the wigs, bitch!

- The wigs, bitch.

both: The wigs, bitch.

- I gave her back them cockatoo titty ass wigs.

- But after she defaced them.

- Well, I'll have to see this for myself.

Bailiff, could you bring the wigs to the bench?

Slower.

- Y'all must not have an HR department.

- Well, damn!

This is some fine wig-onometry.

This don't look like no cockatoo titty.

Why, you got some raw Indian,

some Malaysia,

and my go-to,

some Bold Bad Bitch Brazilian.

- That's what I'm saying. Tell it, Judge!

Okay, now, if I may.

Excuse me. I'd like to present, Exhibit A.

As you can plainly see, she dyed my wigs.

My sister murdered Michelle, Sasha and Malia.

- That one look like Bobo.

- Enough!

I hate to see sisters fight.

I'm lying, it's better than porn.

Lying again. Ugh.

No, it's not.

Miss Carson, it's your turn, darling. Tell us your side.

- [whispering] Mom, Mom, Mom.

I've seen this show before.

She likes it if you just lead with the facts.

- Janelle, I got to this. Just stick to the script.

Your Honor, I'm going to lead with the facts.

My sister here has been leeching off me

for years, and she won't even keep a job.

- That's a damn lie, Your Honor.

In the last year alone, I've had, like, six jobs.

- And she got fired from seven.

- False again.

I'm an entrepreneur now.

- Your Honor, this girl lyin' like a Trump.

- No, no, I'm serious.

I am a business woman.

And all of you, and all of you at home,

can buy my new hair care product, Denise Grease.

Now, it's coming soon to your local

beauty supply, salons, hardware stores.

- Hey, hey, hey!

Save that shit for "Shark Tank."

- Your Honor, this is another one of her

get-broke quick schemes.

- Oh, girl, shut up!

- See, this is the generational curse I'm trying to break.

- Oh, say more.

- She don't know what she's talking about.

We squashed all that.

- No, we didn't. I tried to at our mama funeral.

But this bitch served me with papers

while I was standing over the casket.

- You gon' stop calling me a bitch.

- I done told you, you keep trying it--

[talking over each other]

[slams gavel] - Wigless Wonder

and nigga named Toby,

I'm gonna need you all to calm down.

It is getting too heated in here.

Y'all got my lace lifting!

- You need to talk to your boutique.

- I can send you some Denise Grease.

- I'm gonna take a recess

so I can cool off.

Bailiff, could you get a bitch some quaalude?

- That nigga on dope.

♪ ♪

- Oh. I am trying to take a break from all this nonsense.

- All right, so y'all know we at

the middle point part, right?

Who do you think has the edge?

- Well, you know, it's kinda hard to say, to be honest.

Right now, they both look pretty stupid.

- And you? - Yeah, I agree.

- I know you didn't just call my mama stupid.

- She sure did.

And what you think about your auntie--

What you over here reading?

- I'm just here so I don't get fined.

- Okay, Miss Carson, who are these witnesses

you have with you?

- These are my ungrateful ass kids.

- You, there.

Stand up and join your mom.

Can you tell the court how this fight started?

- [quietly] Tell the story,

but...like I told you to.

- [clears throat]

My Auntie came in and violently lashed out

at my innocent and kind mama.

But my mama had no other choice but to throw her

triflin' ass out.

- I told you to say behind. Why you up here ad-libbing?

- Did you also tell him to mention

the drug dealer he invited to the house that

started all this mess to begin with?

- He plead the fifth.

- And the sixth, seventh and eighth.

- An eighth of parsley is what he purchased.

- Oh, come on!

He can't be tried ex post facto for that, Judge.

- Yeah, what she said, expo fuckto.

- All of you all need to sit the fuckto down.

- Well, this proves nothing, Your Honor,

my sister's wasting the court's time.

- Oh, I am? Your Honor,

my upstanding and honest daughter Janelle

can tell you how this happened.

- I object.

- On what grounds?

- Bullshit grounds.

- Oh.

I'm gonna have to check my law book on that one.

Overruled.

- Okay, well, can we please get back

to the serious subject of my wigs?

Because all of this is irrelevant.

My sister is a horrible person.

She called me a crackhead and threw me out on the street.

I've been sober for three years, Your Honor.

Do you know how that made me feel?

- I've just been informed that we have a surprise witness,

someone who could shed some light on this situation.

[wind chime rustling]

- Look what the wind done blew the fuck in.

[cheers and applause]

Miss whatever-you-is, my name is--

- Marcus, what the hell are you doing here?

- I'm Denise and Pat's cousin on both sides.

- Ew!

That is some triflin' shit.

Continue.

- Well, ever since their mother's funeral, it's brought

up a lot of bad feelings between the two of them.

- Nigga, you weren't even there.

- Neither was your edges.

- Your Honor, Cousin Marcus is right.

Ever since Mama's funeral, it showed me that Pat

once again believes that she's better than me.

- She lyin'. She had every opportunity

that I didn't have, especially when we was kids.

- What are you talking about?

We were raised in the same house the exact same way.

- Oh, is that how you see it?

'Cause that says a lot.

- Oh! This isn't about the wigs.

- Oh, shit! She threw the wigs, baby.

She done threw it. Get it. Get it.

- ♪ Your cousin has made me see ♪

- Amen!

- ♪ That we have just been scratching the surface ♪

- ♪ 'Cause that's what the fuck I do ♪

- ♪ This is an old family beef ♪

- ♪ Yes, it is, now♪

- ♪ Here at Judge Miss Sophia ♪

- ♪ Potter's house, Potter's house, Potter's house! ♪

- ♪ Ahh! ♪

♪ Will you ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

- I'm sorry about that. I was a big fan of the show.

Watched it all the time.

Surprised me when I first turned on the remote control,

I said, "Oh, my God, it's a rhinoceros in a wig!"

But then...

But then I notice you was a judge,

and I've been watching it ever since.

- You know, here at Judge Miss Sophia,

I like to go beyond the ruling.

So tell me, what were things like when you all were kids?

- Well, we had a fantastic childhood.

- What are you talking about?

Our mother was a piece of shit.

- Good thing we have an eyewitness here.

So tell us, Marcus,

who's telling the truth about their mom?

- Well, they're both telling the truth. You know, in a way.

I mean, Mildred, she treated both of them differently.

I mean, Denise, she treated her like a princess.

And Pat, well, she treated her like--

- Shit!

- Well, I would have used more of a TV term.

More like "excrement."

- What that mean? - Shit.

It saddens me to see you girls fighting like this.

- Oh! But it makes great TV.

- I don't know about all that.

- You were the same.

Remember when you two were little girls?

You had each other's back.

That's how things should be, always.

- Judge Justice Miss Sophia,

permission to approach the bitch?

- Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.

- Ah! Ah! Ah!

I've been informed that you resemble

an inmate at the Macon State Prison.

- Ah! Ah!

Ah!

I'ma a fuck with ya.

[wind rustling]

- Damn! That wig game tight.

- He might be a criminal, but let me just say,

that is how you make a motherfuckin' exit!

[applause]

- That nigga stole my gavel!

[soft banging]

- You know, your cousin brought up

something that I needs to get an understanding.

If you all had each other's backs when you were kids,

where did all of this anger and bitterness come from?

- I have no idea.

- 'Cause she was the golden child, Your Honor.

My mama treated her different because she was

skinnier and prettier.

And plus, my mom was fucking her real daddy on the weekends.

- Well, I'm not the golden child now, am I?

I had to live with you until you kicked me to the curb.

- Somebody is always there to catch you, ain't it?

If it's not me, it's the White boy.

Who it gon' be next?

- Well, which White boy are you talking about,

Lee or Jesus?

- Only one of them niggas is white.

- Pat-Pat, you was talking about

our mama like she wasn't nothing.

No matter what she was and no matter her flaws,

that was still our mama.

- You want me to pretend like she did a good job?

Fuck no!

She the reason why I was selling drugs

so I can make her proud.

- Mama wasn't the reason you was in the streets.

- Where else would I go? Bitch, we got evicted.

- Oh, God, Pat, when are you gonna let that go?

I mean, you get to show up to Mama's funeral,

all married and successful,

and I don't have shit.

Pat-Pat, I was supposed to be you.

But instead, I'm me.

And I hate it.

I hate me more than you could ever hate me.

- Listen, I just need to know one last thing.

I mean, why was Denise thrown out

of the house in the first place?

I mean, I know you've had your past

addiction issues, but you're clean now, right?

- Yeah, I am.

- So it's not like she brought drugs into your home

and did them with your kids or something crazy like that.

- Go ahead.

- No, nothing crazy like that.

- We just had a squabble, like most sisters do.

- Thank you, Pat.

- Okay, but I'm still gon' have to

rule in favor of...

the defendant, Ms. Pat.

Despite all the theatrics, the fact remains.

Possession is 9/10ths of the law.

Now, you could have went back and got your things

at any time, but you chose not to,

and that's not surprising when it comes to you,

because that seems to be a pattern with you.

That's why you didn't make anything out of yourself,

while your sister's more successful than you.

And that-- - Hold on, Judge, Justice,

whatever the fuck you are!

Only I can lay into my sister like that.

- Well, I was just saying--

- I know what you were just saying,

but if you say one more word

like that about her, I will come over there

and snatch them wigs off your raggedy ass scalp.

- What's going on with all this craziness, anyway?

- You're lucky you look like a big, old,

delicious chocolate milkshake,

or I'd hold you in contempt.

- Don't be trying to fuck my husband.

- You want me to hold you in contempt?

- Now you trying to fuck me, too?

- Girl, please.

The only thing I could do with you is play Patty Cake.

Now, back to your sister.

- No. If we're gonna talk about my sister,

we're gonna talk about how Denise is one of the most

bravest and incredible people that you would ever meet.

How she got herself off drugs,

and how she tried every day to make something of herself.

Now, I know you probably don't understand this,

but where we came from, this shit is amazing.

- I don't hate you, Denise.

I love you.

And I will fuck up anybody who tries to mistreat you.

Hell, I'll beat your ass if you try to mistreat yourself.

I've already lost a mother.

I don't wanna lose a sister too.

Not now.

Not ever.

- You don't know how much I needed to hear that, Pat.

- We all needed that, Denise.

- All this fuckin' crying is fuckin' up my show!

- Well, this should be a mistrial, Judge.

- Ooh, this little girl is so goddamn annoying.

But you're right.

I declare a mistrial.

- Oh. - Yes!

- Okay, all right. - And by that, I mean,

Miss Trial,

come and get all these ghetto ass niggas

outta my courtroom, Queen!

- Sorry, y'all.

But right now is about the time

that we no longer give a fuck.

- Who the fuck is that? Switching Sandman?

[audience booing]

- You see?

That's why we can't keep putting straight people on TV.

They gon' brainwash all the kids.

- Ooh, shit, I look good.

You know, I should really be on a reality show after this.

- You, on a reality show?

Click. That's me turning the channel.

- It's so good to have you home, Denise.

Truly. - Yeah, we missed you.

- Aww, I missed y'all, too.

You know what else I missed?

Junebug making sexy eyes at the judge.

[all laugh]

- No, I wasn't.

The TV camera does that to you.

- Man, I can't believe we made it on TV.

I can't wait for the residual checks to come in.

Give me that bag, baby.

- Brandon, I don't think that's how that--

- Just let it be. - Okay.

- Pat, I've been calling and texting you.

- Oh, shit. I still got you blocked, Denise.

- Okay, well, where are you going?

You don't wanna see your first TV credit?

- No, fuck that show.

They'll put any damn thing on BET Plus.

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show ♪