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announcer: Tired of all them
boring court shows?
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In need of a higher authority
than Judge Judy
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or Judge Joe Brown?
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00:00:16,931 --> 00:00:21,000
Well, how about a queen?
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Court is now in session,
honey.
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- I love a hung jury.
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- Real people, real cases,
real extra.
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This is "Judge Miss Sophia."
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- Denise was thrown out
of her sister's house
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for no damn reason,
and she's been rendered
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homeless, jobless,
and Brazilian bundle-ness.
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She's suing the defendant
for loss of property,
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00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:52,068
emotional distress,
and lace-front abuse.
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00:00:52,137 --> 00:00:53,655
She's mad.
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00:00:53,724 --> 00:00:57,448
She's asking
for $3,500 in damages.
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00:00:57,517 --> 00:01:00,827
Ms. Pat doesn't know why the
hell her sister is suing her
17
00:01:00,896 --> 00:01:05,344
because she knows goddamn
well why her ass got put out.
18
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:09,068
Ms. Pat is countersuing
the plaintiff for back rent,
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pain and suffering,
and just simply
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for being a low
down dirty bitch.
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- And now we finna talk
to the family that's caught
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in the middle
of this crossfire.
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You are the husband, right?
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- Unfortunately.
25
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- You seem embarrassed.
26
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- It's just--
I believe our family shouldn't
27
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be airing our
business on TV like this.
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You know what I'm saying?
I feel like a Braxton.
29
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- Well,
that shirt you got on says
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00:01:34,172 --> 00:01:36,310
your bank account
don't feel like a Braxton.
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And what about y'all?
32
00:01:37,620 --> 00:01:39,793
You children,
y'all feel the same?
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Embarrassed and ashamed?
34
00:01:41,448 --> 00:01:45,103
- Well, I'm just grateful
for the exposure, my G.
35
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,517
You see,
people have been thirsting
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00:01:46,586 --> 00:01:48,586
to see this face all
on their television screen.
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00:01:48,655 --> 00:01:50,379
But the real question is,
um,
38
00:01:50,448 --> 00:01:52,275
what are the residual checks
for some shit like this?
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00:01:52,344 --> 00:01:54,206
- Brandon,
sit your dumbass down.
40
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- Oh, so I'm dumb now?
41
00:01:56,137 --> 00:01:57,551
You know what?
I was doing you a favor.
42
00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:59,172
You know what? I'm gonna sit
on Aunt Denise' side.
43
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- I don't give a fuck.
44
00:02:00,689 --> 00:02:02,206
- And you?
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00:02:02,275 --> 00:02:04,517
- I would just like to say
that these TV court shows are
46
00:02:04,586 --> 00:02:07,758
making a mockery out of our
severely flawed legal system.
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00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:10,103
We have to--
- And the plaintiff's family
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is represented by...
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a traitor--
ooh, and a white dude!
50
00:02:14,931 --> 00:02:16,551
- Big fan of the show.
51
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:17,965
Like, huge.
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Huge, huge.
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00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:20,344
- Ooh, child!
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00:02:20,413 --> 00:02:21,551
When white
people get to watching,
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00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:22,931
that mean we're
getting a bigger budget.
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Come through, then.
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Now then...
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00:02:25,965 --> 00:02:27,517
- All rise...
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00:02:27,586 --> 00:02:29,551
unless you've been tucked.
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For the honorably fabulous
Judge Justice Miss Sophia.
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[disco music]
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♪ ♪
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[cheers and applause]
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00:02:47,103 --> 00:02:49,344
- Yass! Judge,
you better work!
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00:02:49,413 --> 00:02:51,827
- Fuck it up, sis.
- Yes. Mama, turn back around.
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00:02:51,896 --> 00:02:54,379
It's not my fault
the straights are boring.
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00:02:54,448 --> 00:02:57,413
- All right, all right,
all right.
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00:02:57,482 --> 00:03:00,517
- Let justice rain like men.
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00:03:00,586 --> 00:03:03,793
- What kind of Billy Porter
ass shit you done got us into?
70
00:03:03,862 --> 00:03:07,206
- I got us into the one
court I got a shot at winning.
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00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:10,103
Cause can't nobody understand
wig problems like a drag queen.
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00:03:10,172 --> 00:03:11,896
Right?
- Shush ya mouth in here.
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00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:14,310
Today, I will be serving lewks
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00:03:14,379 --> 00:03:18,448
and legally binding opinions.
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00:03:18,517 --> 00:03:20,275
- She went to law school?
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00:03:20,344 --> 00:03:22,931
- I got my law
degree the same way
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00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,689
Kim Kardashian did:
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00:03:24,758 --> 00:03:26,344
suspiciously.
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00:03:28,482 --> 00:03:31,655
- All right,
let's get this shit started.
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00:03:31,724 --> 00:03:34,517
Raise your right hand so
I can swear y'all asses in.
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00:03:34,586 --> 00:03:36,931
- I got my Bible
right here, Judge.
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00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,241
- Don't be fooled, Judge.
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00:03:38,310 --> 00:03:39,344
The closest she ever
been to church
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00:03:39,413 --> 00:03:41,551
is a Tyler Perry play.
85
00:03:43,172 --> 00:03:44,965
- Well,
at least I've been saved.
86
00:03:45,034 --> 00:03:47,551
- By the bell.
87
00:03:47,620 --> 00:03:50,689
- She has always been wicked,
Your Outrageousness.
88
00:03:50,758 --> 00:03:53,413
And God has been watching, too.
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00:03:53,482 --> 00:03:56,689
He showed his wrath by
taking one of her nipples.
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00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:58,551
- Mom, take this.
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00:03:58,620 --> 00:03:59,965
I checked it
out from the library.
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00:04:00,034 --> 00:04:03,137
- I'ma swear in
on this thick ass book.
93
00:04:03,206 --> 00:04:05,275
- All right, I'll allow it.
94
00:04:05,344 --> 00:04:07,965
But any outburst
in this courtroom
95
00:04:08,034 --> 00:04:11,620
and I will Kunta Kickya
ass out of here.
96
00:04:11,689 --> 00:04:15,758
- Paws on the laws, ladies.
97
00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:19,206
- Do you swear to spill
the tea, the whole tea,
98
00:04:19,275 --> 00:04:21,137
and nothing but the tea,
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00:04:21,206 --> 00:04:22,965
so help you, Diana Ross.
100
00:04:24,379 --> 00:04:26,724
- I do.
- Diana Ross?
101
00:04:26,793 --> 00:04:30,413
- All right. I wanna
get both sides of the story.
102
00:04:30,482 --> 00:04:33,551
Now, I'm gonna start
with you, my bible baby.
103
00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:35,551
So tell me, what's going on?
104
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:37,241
- Well,
it's really very simple,
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00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:39,620
Judge Justice Miss Sophia.
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00:04:39,689 --> 00:04:44,965
My sister, who I have
loved her entire ungodly life,
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00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,965
kicked me out
of my home for no reason.
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00:04:47,034 --> 00:04:48,827
- You know the reason, Denise!
[gavel bangs]
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00:04:50,448 --> 00:04:52,758
My-my-my-my-my-my bad,
the cameras just make you
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get into it,
you know what I'm saying?
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00:04:55,068 --> 00:04:59,793
- Sit your buff ass down, sir.
112
00:05:00,655 --> 00:05:03,206
- Like I was spilling,
before I was so
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00:05:03,275 --> 00:05:07,241
rudely interrupted,
I was forced out of the house
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00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:08,551
with only
the clothes on my back.
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She kept all my stuff,
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00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:14,551
including my
prized possessions, my wigs.
117
00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:16,241
- Not the wigs, bitch!
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- The wigs, bitch.
119
00:05:17,689 --> 00:05:19,724
both: The wigs, bitch.
120
00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:23,620
- I gave her back them
cockatoo titty ass wigs.
121
00:05:23,689 --> 00:05:25,034
- But after she defaced them.
122
00:05:25,103 --> 00:05:26,965
- Well, I'll have
to see this for myself.
123
00:05:27,034 --> 00:05:30,379
Bailiff, could you
bring the wigs to the bench?
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Slower.
125
00:05:32,517 --> 00:05:36,103
- Y'all must not
have an HR department.
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00:05:36,172 --> 00:05:38,206
- Well, damn!
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00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:41,344
This is some fine wig-onometry.
128
00:05:41,413 --> 00:05:43,724
This don't look
like no cockatoo titty.
129
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:46,103
Why, you got some raw Indian,
130
00:05:46,172 --> 00:05:48,000
some Malaysia,
131
00:05:48,068 --> 00:05:50,103
and my go-to,
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00:05:50,172 --> 00:05:55,068
some Bold Bad Bitch Brazilian.
133
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:57,448
- That's what I'm saying.
Tell it, Judge!
134
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Okay, now, if I may.
135
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:04,000
Excuse me. I'd like to present,
Exhibit A.
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00:06:04,068 --> 00:06:07,034
As you can plainly see,
she dyed my wigs.
137
00:06:07,103 --> 00:06:11,620
My sister murdered Michelle,
Sasha and Malia.
138
00:06:11,689 --> 00:06:13,379
- That one look like Bobo.
139
00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:15,137
- Enough!
140
00:06:15,206 --> 00:06:17,896
I hate to see sisters fight.
141
00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:20,689
I'm lying,
it's better than porn.
142
00:06:22,413 --> 00:06:24,344
Lying again. Ugh.
143
00:06:24,413 --> 00:06:27,344
No, it's not.
144
00:06:27,413 --> 00:06:31,241
Miss Carson, it's your turn,
darling. Tell us your side.
145
00:06:31,310 --> 00:06:32,793
- [whispering] Mom, Mom, Mom.
146
00:06:32,862 --> 00:06:34,172
I've seen this show before.
147
00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:36,931
She likes it if you
just lead with the facts.
148
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,034
- Janelle, I got to this.
Just stick to the script.
149
00:06:39,103 --> 00:06:42,000
Your Honor, I'm going
to lead with the facts.
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00:06:43,517 --> 00:06:46,137
My sister here
has been leeching off me
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00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,620
for years,
and she won't even keep a job.
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00:06:49,689 --> 00:06:51,724
- That's a damn lie,
Your Honor.
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00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:54,827
In the last year alone,
I've had, like, six jobs.
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00:06:54,896 --> 00:06:56,827
- And she got fired from seven.
155
00:06:56,896 --> 00:06:58,413
- False again.
156
00:06:58,482 --> 00:07:00,103
I'm an entrepreneur now.
157
00:07:00,172 --> 00:07:03,034
- Your Honor, this girl lyin'
like a Trump.
158
00:07:03,103 --> 00:07:05,000
- No, no, I'm serious.
159
00:07:06,724 --> 00:07:08,931
I am a business woman.
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00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,551
And all of you,
and all of you at home,
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00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:14,655
can buy my new hair care
product, Denise Grease.
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00:07:14,724 --> 00:07:16,551
Now, it's coming soon
to your local
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00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:18,862
beauty supply,
salons, hardware stores.
164
00:07:18,931 --> 00:07:19,931
- Hey, hey, hey!
165
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,931
Save that shit
for "Shark Tank."
166
00:07:23,758 --> 00:07:25,241
- Your Honor,
this is another one of her
167
00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:27,275
get-broke quick schemes.
168
00:07:27,344 --> 00:07:28,862
- Oh, girl, shut up!
169
00:07:28,931 --> 00:07:31,551
- See, this is the generational
curse I'm trying to break.
170
00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:33,068
- Oh, say more.
171
00:07:33,137 --> 00:07:34,655
- She don't know
what she's talking about.
172
00:07:34,724 --> 00:07:36,206
We squashed all that.
173
00:07:36,275 --> 00:07:39,482
- No, we didn't.
I tried to at our mama funeral.
174
00:07:39,551 --> 00:07:42,034
But this bitch
served me with papers
175
00:07:42,103 --> 00:07:44,034
while I was
standing over the casket.
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00:07:44,103 --> 00:07:45,689
- You gon' stop
calling me a bitch.
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00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:46,620
- I done told you,
you keep trying it--
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00:07:46,689 --> 00:07:48,448
[talking over each other]
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00:07:48,517 --> 00:07:50,655
[slams gavel]
- Wigless Wonder
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00:07:50,724 --> 00:07:52,758
and nigga named Toby,
181
00:07:52,827 --> 00:07:55,827
I'm gonna need you all
to calm down.
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00:07:58,482 --> 00:07:59,655
It is getting
too heated in here.
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00:07:59,724 --> 00:08:01,965
Y'all got my lace lifting!
184
00:08:02,034 --> 00:08:03,103
- You need
to talk to your boutique.
185
00:08:03,172 --> 00:08:04,689
- I can send you
some Denise Grease.
186
00:08:06,551 --> 00:08:08,689
- I'm gonna take a recess
187
00:08:08,758 --> 00:08:10,034
so I can cool off.
188
00:08:11,413 --> 00:08:14,724
Bailiff, could you
get a bitch some quaalude?
189
00:08:14,793 --> 00:08:17,034
- That nigga on dope.
190
00:08:17,103 --> 00:08:19,793
♪ ♪
191
00:08:23,517 --> 00:08:26,689
- Oh. I am trying to take
a break from all this nonsense.
192
00:08:26,758 --> 00:08:27,724
- All right,
so y'all know we at
193
00:08:27,793 --> 00:08:30,000
the middle point part, right?
194
00:08:30,068 --> 00:08:32,344
Who do you think has the edge?
195
00:08:32,413 --> 00:08:34,586
- Well, you know, it's kinda
hard to say, to be honest.
196
00:08:34,655 --> 00:08:35,965
Right now,
they both look pretty stupid.
197
00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:37,862
- And you?
- Yeah, I agree.
198
00:08:37,931 --> 00:08:39,551
- I know you didn't
just call my mama stupid.
199
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,965
- She sure did.
200
00:08:43,034 --> 00:08:45,620
And what you think
about your auntie--
201
00:08:45,689 --> 00:08:48,241
What you over here reading?
202
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,034
- I'm just here
so I don't get fined.
203
00:08:54,413 --> 00:08:56,758
- Okay, Miss Carson,
who are these witnesses
204
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:57,965
you have with you?
205
00:08:58,034 --> 00:09:01,137
- These are my
ungrateful ass kids.
206
00:09:02,724 --> 00:09:04,551
- You, there.
207
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:06,034
Stand up and join your mom.
208
00:09:10,413 --> 00:09:13,310
Can you tell the court
how this fight started?
209
00:09:13,379 --> 00:09:14,862
- [quietly] Tell the story,
210
00:09:14,931 --> 00:09:19,103
but...like I told you to.
211
00:09:19,172 --> 00:09:20,793
- [clears throat]
212
00:09:20,862 --> 00:09:24,482
My Auntie came in
and violently lashed out
213
00:09:24,551 --> 00:09:27,344
at my innocent and kind mama.
214
00:09:27,413 --> 00:09:30,448
But my mama had no
other choice but to throw her
215
00:09:30,517 --> 00:09:33,379
triflin' ass out.
216
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,586
- I told you to say behind.
Why you up here ad-libbing?
217
00:09:36,655 --> 00:09:38,896
- Did you also
tell him to mention
218
00:09:38,965 --> 00:09:40,931
the drug dealer he
invited to the house that
219
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,241
started all this
mess to begin with?
220
00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:44,724
- He plead the fifth.
221
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,793
- And the sixth,
seventh and eighth.
222
00:09:46,862 --> 00:09:49,034
- An eighth of parsley
is what he purchased.
223
00:09:49,103 --> 00:09:50,448
- Oh, come on!
224
00:09:50,517 --> 00:09:53,586
He can't be tried ex
post facto for that, Judge.
225
00:09:53,655 --> 00:09:55,724
- Yeah, what she said,
expo fuckto.
226
00:09:55,793 --> 00:10:00,068
- All of you all need
to sit the fuckto down.
227
00:10:01,827 --> 00:10:04,000
- Well, this proves nothing,
Your Honor,
228
00:10:04,068 --> 00:10:06,551
my sister's
wasting the court's time.
229
00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:07,896
- Oh, I am? Your Honor,
230
00:10:07,965 --> 00:10:10,896
my upstanding and honest
daughter Janelle
231
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:12,310
can tell you
how this happened.
232
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,517
- I object.
233
00:10:13,586 --> 00:10:14,551
- On what grounds?
234
00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:17,275
- Bullshit grounds.
235
00:10:17,344 --> 00:10:18,827
- Oh.
236
00:10:18,896 --> 00:10:21,000
I'm gonna have to check
my law book on that one.
237
00:10:24,448 --> 00:10:26,310
Overruled.
238
00:10:27,068 --> 00:10:29,000
- Okay, well,
can we please get back
239
00:10:29,068 --> 00:10:31,000
to the serious
subject of my wigs?
240
00:10:31,068 --> 00:10:33,482
Because all
of this is irrelevant.
241
00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:36,275
My sister is
a horrible person.
242
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:39,793
She called me a crackhead
and threw me out on the street.
243
00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:41,896
I've been sober
for three years, Your Honor.
244
00:10:41,965 --> 00:10:43,896
Do you know how
that made me feel?
245
00:10:45,482 --> 00:10:48,965
- I've just been informed that
we have a surprise witness,
246
00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:51,931
someone who could shed
some light on this situation.
247
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,379
[wind chime rustling]
248
00:10:54,448 --> 00:10:57,551
- Look what the wind
done blew the fuck in.
249
00:10:57,620 --> 00:10:59,241
[cheers and applause]
250
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:02,379
Miss whatever-you-is,
my name is--
251
00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:04,344
- Marcus, what the hell
are you doing here?
252
00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:09,172
- I'm Denise and Pat's cousin
on both sides.
253
00:11:09,241 --> 00:11:11,551
- Ew!
254
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:14,172
That is some triflin' shit.
255
00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:17,620
Continue.
256
00:11:17,689 --> 00:11:20,034
- Well, ever since their
mother's funeral, it's brought
257
00:11:20,103 --> 00:11:21,965
up a lot of bad feelings
between the two of them.
258
00:11:22,034 --> 00:11:23,413
- Nigga,
you weren't even there.
259
00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:24,862
- Neither was your edges.
260
00:11:26,896 --> 00:11:30,379
- Your Honor,
Cousin Marcus is right.
261
00:11:30,448 --> 00:11:34,862
Ever since Mama's funeral,
it showed me that Pat
262
00:11:34,931 --> 00:11:37,275
once again believes that
she's better than me.
263
00:11:37,344 --> 00:11:39,172
- She lyin'.
She had every opportunity
264
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:42,517
that I didn't have,
especially when we was kids.
265
00:11:42,586 --> 00:11:44,068
- What are you talking about?
266
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:47,482
We were raised in the same
house the exact same way.
267
00:11:47,551 --> 00:11:48,758
- Oh, is that how you see it?
268
00:11:48,827 --> 00:11:50,586
'Cause that says a lot.
269
00:11:50,655 --> 00:11:54,172
- Oh!
This isn't about the wigs.
270
00:11:54,241 --> 00:11:56,275
- Oh, shit!
She threw the wigs, baby.
271
00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:58,275
She done threw it.
Get it. Get it.
272
00:12:05,896 --> 00:12:08,344
- ♪ Your cousin
has made me see ♪
273
00:12:08,413 --> 00:12:09,931
- Amen!
274
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,206
- ♪ That we have just
been scratching the surface ♪
275
00:12:12,275 --> 00:12:14,310
- ♪ 'Cause that's
what the fuck I do ♪
276
00:12:14,379 --> 00:12:16,620
- ♪ This is
an old family beef ♪
277
00:12:16,689 --> 00:12:17,896
- ♪ Yes, it is, now♪
278
00:12:17,965 --> 00:12:19,793
- ♪ Here at
Judge Miss Sophia ♪
279
00:12:19,862 --> 00:12:22,275
- ♪ Potter's house, Potter's
house, Potter's house! ♪
280
00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:23,793
- ♪ Ahh! ♪
281
00:12:23,862 --> 00:12:25,689
♪ Will you ♪
282
00:12:25,758 --> 00:12:28,206
♪ Shut the fuck up ♪
283
00:12:28,275 --> 00:12:30,482
- I'm sorry about that.
I was a big fan of the show.
284
00:12:30,551 --> 00:12:31,965
Watched it all the time.
285
00:12:32,034 --> 00:12:33,448
Surprised me when I first
turned on the remote control,
286
00:12:33,517 --> 00:12:36,137
I said, "Oh, my God,
it's a rhinoceros in a wig!"
287
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:39,172
But then...
288
00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:41,206
But then I
notice you was a judge,
289
00:12:41,275 --> 00:12:43,413
and I've been
watching it ever since.
290
00:12:49,517 --> 00:12:53,172
- You know,
here at Judge Miss Sophia,
291
00:12:53,241 --> 00:12:56,793
I like to go beyond the ruling.
292
00:12:56,862 --> 00:13:00,758
So tell me, what were things
like when you all were kids?
293
00:13:00,827 --> 00:13:03,655
- Well, we had
a fantastic childhood.
294
00:13:03,724 --> 00:13:04,862
- What are you talking about?
295
00:13:04,931 --> 00:13:06,758
Our mother was a piece of shit.
296
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,551
- Good thing we
have an eyewitness here.
297
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:09,965
So tell us, Marcus,
298
00:13:10,034 --> 00:13:11,758
who's telling the truth
about their mom?
299
00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:15,137
- Well, they're both telling
the truth. You know, in a way.
300
00:13:15,206 --> 00:13:17,689
I mean, Mildred, she treated
both of them differently.
301
00:13:17,758 --> 00:13:20,413
I mean, Denise, she
treated her like a princess.
302
00:13:20,482 --> 00:13:22,724
And Pat, well,
she treated her like--
303
00:13:22,793 --> 00:13:24,172
- Shit!
304
00:13:24,241 --> 00:13:25,586
- Well, I would have
used more of a TV term.
305
00:13:25,655 --> 00:13:26,931
More like "excrement."
306
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,000
- What that mean?
- Shit.
307
00:13:30,724 --> 00:13:34,000
It saddens me to see
you girls fighting like this.
308
00:13:34,068 --> 00:13:37,206
- Oh! But it makes great TV.
309
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,758
- I don't know about all that.
310
00:13:39,827 --> 00:13:41,517
- You were the same.
311
00:13:41,586 --> 00:13:43,758
Remember when you
two were little girls?
312
00:13:43,827 --> 00:13:45,793
You had each other's back.
313
00:13:45,862 --> 00:13:49,655
That's how things
should be, always.
314
00:13:49,724 --> 00:13:51,896
- Judge Justice Miss Sophia,
315
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,758
permission
to approach the bitch?
316
00:13:53,827 --> 00:13:56,344
- Ooh, I thought
you'd never ask.
317
00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:03,275
- Ah!
Ah! Ah!
318
00:14:05,103 --> 00:14:08,275
I've been
informed that you resemble
319
00:14:08,344 --> 00:14:10,896
an inmate at
the Macon State Prison.
320
00:14:10,965 --> 00:14:13,482
- Ah! Ah!
321
00:14:13,551 --> 00:14:16,034
Ah!
322
00:14:16,103 --> 00:14:17,413
I'ma a fuck with ya.
323
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:19,517
[wind rustling]
324
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,448
- Damn! That wig game tight.
325
00:14:25,517 --> 00:14:30,034
- He might be a criminal,
but let me just say,
326
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:34,793
that is how you
make a motherfuckin' exit!
327
00:14:34,862 --> 00:14:38,000
[applause]
328
00:14:41,931 --> 00:14:44,103
- That nigga stole my gavel!
329
00:14:47,689 --> 00:14:50,586
[soft banging]
330
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,413
- You know,
your cousin brought up
331
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,655
something that I needs
to get an understanding.
332
00:15:00,724 --> 00:15:04,241
If you all had each other's
backs when you were kids,
333
00:15:04,310 --> 00:15:08,551
where did all of this
anger and bitterness come from?
334
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:10,241
- I have no idea.
335
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,448
- 'Cause she was
the golden child, Your Honor.
336
00:15:12,517 --> 00:15:14,586
My mama treated her
different because she was
337
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:16,724
skinnier and prettier.
338
00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:20,689
And plus, my mom was fucking
her real daddy on the weekends.
339
00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:23,413
- Well, I'm not
the golden child now, am I?
340
00:15:23,482 --> 00:15:26,206
I had to live with you until
you kicked me to the curb.
341
00:15:26,275 --> 00:15:28,103
- Somebody is always
there to catch you, ain't it?
342
00:15:28,172 --> 00:15:29,931
If it's not me,
it's the White boy.
343
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,551
Who it gon' be next?
344
00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:33,551
- Well, which White boy are you
talking about,
345
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:34,965
Lee or Jesus?
346
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:38,379
- Only one
of them niggas is white.
347
00:15:41,965 --> 00:15:44,241
- Pat-Pat,
you was talking about
348
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:46,551
our mama like
she wasn't nothing.
349
00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:48,551
No matter what she was
and no matter her flaws,
350
00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:50,241
that was still our mama.
351
00:15:50,310 --> 00:15:52,413
- You want me to pretend like
she did a good job?
352
00:15:52,482 --> 00:15:54,068
Fuck no!
353
00:15:54,137 --> 00:15:55,620
She the reason why I was
selling drugs
354
00:15:55,689 --> 00:15:58,103
so I can make her proud.
355
00:15:58,172 --> 00:16:01,310
- Mama wasn't the reason
you was in the streets.
356
00:16:01,379 --> 00:16:03,896
- Where else would I go?
Bitch, we got evicted.
357
00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:06,620
- Oh, God, Pat, when
are you gonna let that go?
358
00:16:06,689 --> 00:16:09,000
I mean, you get
to show up to Mama's funeral,
359
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:11,275
all married and successful,
360
00:16:11,344 --> 00:16:13,103
and I don't have shit.
361
00:16:14,586 --> 00:16:16,482
Pat-Pat,
I was supposed to be you.
362
00:16:17,862 --> 00:16:20,206
But instead, I'm me.
363
00:16:20,275 --> 00:16:22,000
And I hate it.
364
00:16:23,344 --> 00:16:26,068
I hate me more
than you could ever hate me.
365
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:33,448
- Listen, I just need
to know one last thing.
366
00:16:33,517 --> 00:16:35,620
I mean,
why was Denise thrown out
367
00:16:35,689 --> 00:16:37,310
of the house
in the first place?
368
00:16:37,379 --> 00:16:39,068
I mean,
I know you've had your past
369
00:16:39,137 --> 00:16:41,827
addiction issues,
but you're clean now, right?
370
00:16:41,896 --> 00:16:43,655
- Yeah, I am.
371
00:16:43,724 --> 00:16:45,758
- So it's not like she
brought drugs into your home
372
00:16:45,827 --> 00:16:48,344
and did them with your kids
or something crazy like that.
373
00:16:54,724 --> 00:16:56,793
- Go ahead.
374
00:16:56,862 --> 00:17:00,551
- No, nothing crazy like that.
375
00:17:01,448 --> 00:17:04,448
- We just had a squabble,
like most sisters do.
376
00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:07,241
- Thank you, Pat.
377
00:17:07,310 --> 00:17:09,344
- Okay,
but I'm still gon' have to
378
00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:11,413
rule in favor of...
379
00:17:11,482 --> 00:17:13,551
the defendant, Ms. Pat.
380
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:17,655
Despite all the theatrics,
the fact remains.
381
00:17:17,724 --> 00:17:20,241
Possession is
9/10ths of the law.
382
00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:22,310
Now, you could have
went back and got your things
383
00:17:22,379 --> 00:17:24,344
at any time,
but you chose not to,
384
00:17:24,413 --> 00:17:26,275
and that's not surprising
when it comes to you,
385
00:17:26,344 --> 00:17:28,034
because that seems
to be a pattern with you.
386
00:17:28,103 --> 00:17:30,517
That's why you didn't
make anything out of yourself,
387
00:17:30,586 --> 00:17:32,275
while your sister's
more successful than you.
388
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:34,275
And that--
- Hold on, Judge, Justice,
389
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,655
whatever the fuck you are!
390
00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:40,413
Only I can lay
into my sister like that.
391
00:17:40,482 --> 00:17:41,689
- Well, I was just saying--
392
00:17:41,758 --> 00:17:43,172
- I know what you were
just saying,
393
00:17:43,241 --> 00:17:44,586
but if you say one more word
394
00:17:44,655 --> 00:17:46,655
like that about her,
I will come over there
395
00:17:46,724 --> 00:17:49,620
and snatch them wigs
off your raggedy ass scalp.
396
00:17:51,793 --> 00:17:55,034
- What's going on with all
this craziness, anyway?
397
00:17:56,344 --> 00:17:58,206
- You're lucky you
look like a big, old,
398
00:17:58,275 --> 00:18:01,275
delicious chocolate milkshake,
399
00:18:01,344 --> 00:18:03,068
or I'd hold you in contempt.
400
00:18:03,137 --> 00:18:05,137
- Don't be trying
to fuck my husband.
401
00:18:05,206 --> 00:18:07,000
- You want me
to hold you in contempt?
402
00:18:07,068 --> 00:18:09,689
- Now you
trying to fuck me, too?
403
00:18:09,758 --> 00:18:11,172
- Girl, please.
404
00:18:11,241 --> 00:18:15,551
The only thing I could do
with you is play Patty Cake.
405
00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:18,482
Now, back to your sister.
406
00:18:18,551 --> 00:18:20,482
- No. If we're gonna
talk about my sister,
407
00:18:20,551 --> 00:18:22,965
we're gonna talk about
how Denise is one of the most
408
00:18:23,034 --> 00:18:26,620
bravest and incredible people
that you would ever meet.
409
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,965
How she got herself off drugs,
410
00:18:29,034 --> 00:18:33,655
and how she tried every day
to make something of herself.
411
00:18:33,724 --> 00:18:35,862
Now, I know you
probably don't understand this,
412
00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:39,241
but where we came from,
this shit is amazing.
413
00:18:48,137 --> 00:18:50,689
- I don't hate you, Denise.
414
00:18:50,758 --> 00:18:51,793
I love you.
415
00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:57,068
And I will fuck up anybody
who tries to mistreat you.
416
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:00,413
Hell, I'll beat your ass if
you try to mistreat yourself.
417
00:19:03,931 --> 00:19:05,724
I've already lost a mother.
418
00:19:05,793 --> 00:19:08,655
I don't wanna
lose a sister too.
419
00:19:08,724 --> 00:19:10,862
Not now.
420
00:19:10,931 --> 00:19:12,448
Not ever.
421
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:18,103
- You don't know how much
I needed to hear that, Pat.
422
00:19:18,172 --> 00:19:20,379
- We all needed that, Denise.
423
00:19:20,448 --> 00:19:24,758
- All this fuckin' crying
is fuckin' up my show!
424
00:19:26,103 --> 00:19:28,689
- Well, this should
be a mistrial, Judge.
425
00:19:28,758 --> 00:19:32,655
- Ooh, this little girl
is so goddamn annoying.
426
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:37,241
But you're right.
427
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,413
I declare a mistrial.
428
00:19:40,482 --> 00:19:41,689
- Oh.
- Yes!
429
00:19:41,758 --> 00:19:46,172
- Okay, all right.
- And by that, I mean,
430
00:19:46,241 --> 00:19:47,517
Miss Trial,
431
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,862
come and get all
these ghetto ass niggas
432
00:19:49,931 --> 00:19:51,793
outta my courtroom, Queen!
433
00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:57,482
- Sorry, y'all.
434
00:19:57,551 --> 00:19:59,551
But right now is about the time
435
00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:01,689
that we no longer give a fuck.
436
00:20:03,310 --> 00:20:05,724
- Who the fuck is that?
Switching Sandman?
437
00:20:05,793 --> 00:20:08,655
[audience booing]
438
00:20:11,931 --> 00:20:13,413
- You see?
439
00:20:13,482 --> 00:20:16,655
That's why we can't keep
putting straight people on TV.
440
00:20:18,241 --> 00:20:21,275
They gon' brainwash
all the kids.
441
00:20:23,551 --> 00:20:25,758
- Ooh, shit, I look good.
442
00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:28,931
You know, I should really be
on a reality show after this.
443
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,241
- You, on a reality show?
444
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:33,931
Click. That's me
turning the channel.
445
00:20:35,344 --> 00:20:37,448
- It's so good
to have you home, Denise.
446
00:20:37,517 --> 00:20:39,344
Truly.
- Yeah, we missed you.
447
00:20:39,413 --> 00:20:41,862
- Aww, I missed y'all, too.
448
00:20:41,931 --> 00:20:43,482
You know what else I missed?
449
00:20:43,551 --> 00:20:45,965
Junebug making
sexy eyes at the judge.
450
00:20:46,034 --> 00:20:47,724
[all laugh]
451
00:20:47,793 --> 00:20:49,724
- No, I wasn't.
452
00:20:49,793 --> 00:20:52,413
The TV camera does that to you.
453
00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:55,000
- Man, I can't
believe we made it on TV.
454
00:20:55,068 --> 00:20:57,137
I can't wait for the residual
checks to come in.
455
00:20:57,206 --> 00:20:58,793
Give me that bag, baby.
456
00:20:58,862 --> 00:21:00,275
- Brandon, I don't think that's
how that--
457
00:21:00,344 --> 00:21:02,344
- Just let it be.
- Okay.
458
00:21:02,413 --> 00:21:05,448
- Pat, I've been
calling and texting you.
459
00:21:05,517 --> 00:21:07,724
- Oh, shit. I still got you
blocked, Denise.
460
00:21:07,793 --> 00:21:09,068
- Okay, well,
where are you going?
461
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:10,931
You don't wanna see
your first TV credit?
462
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,551
- No, fuck that show.
463
00:21:12,620 --> 00:21:14,793
They'll put any damn thing
on BET Plus.
464
00:21:22,275 --> 00:21:23,379
[funky music]
465
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,413
- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
466
00:21:25,482 --> 00:21:27,655
♪ And she don't
take no stuff ♪
467
00:21:27,724 --> 00:21:29,551
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
468
00:21:29,620 --> 00:21:32,103
♪ And you can't get enough ♪
469
00:21:32,172 --> 00:21:34,206
- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
470
00:21:34,275 --> 00:21:36,379
♪ With a husband and kids ♪
471
00:21:36,448 --> 00:21:39,482
♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪
472
00:21:39,551 --> 00:21:44,344
♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show ♪
34913
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