Original subtitles

- Previously on "The Ms. Pat Show"...

- So you saw my son trying to do drugs,

and you didn't tell us?

- Well, you and Terry were stressed enough,

so I thought that I could handle it.

- Oh, you handled it, all right,

by getting my best child high.

both: Hey!

- Shut up. Don't act like y'all didn't know.

- But I didn't give her the brownie, Pat.

- But your irresponsible ass brought it in my house.

Get the fuck out my house. - I'm getting the fuck out!

You ain't got to worry about me!

- You get the fuck out of my house.

- Fuck you! - I'm done with you, crackhead.

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Let me ask y'all something.

How many of y'all really fuck with your family?

Like, if you wasn't related to your mom,

how many times you be done beat that bitch ass by now?

I don't know if y'all know this,

but family's the number-one reason

for high blood pressure

and stab wounds in the neck.

And I know it's hard to let people go

who've been in your life forever,

even when you right.

And in my case, I was fucking right.

For instance, Black lives matter to me,

but a lot of them niggas in my family is debatable.

Please kill them.

- ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪ - ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Just give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪ - ♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

- ♪ I betcha ♪

♪ I make you hot till you've had enough ♪

both: ♪ Give it to me ♪

- ♪ Give me that stuff, that funk, that sweet thing ♪

- Good morning, baby. - "Good morning"?

Um, something don't look right.

- What? - What's going on?

You holding on to that pan,

but you ain't trying to hit nobody with it.

- I'm making breakfast for my man.

- What man?

- You, Mr. Handsome.

- Say "fuck" so I know it's you.

- Look, I'm just happy.

Now that Denise is gone,

I got more time to spend with my family.

What the fuck you want?

- There she is!

- This smell good. Is there enough for me?

Ow! - Sure ain't.

- No free meals till we get rent, boy.

- What? I thought breakfast was for the whole family.

- Your family them school shooters

who you play the video games with all day.

- Well, if you didn't have that fight with Aunt Denise,

maybe I'd have somebody to split the rent with.

- Well, go find her and split the rent with her.

- Come on, Ma, it's been three months since she left.

Can't y'all just, like, make up and move on?

- I have moved on.

I blocked her and Terry mama.

- You blocked your sister?

- You ain't say shit about your mama

- My mama would never call you.

- Hello, Mother. Hello, Father.

- Boy, don't come in here asking for no phone,

'cause you still on punishment, now.

- I don't need my phone. - Mm-hmm.

- I just need $5. - For what?

- So he can pay me to use my phone.

- Get my purse.

- Hey, baby, you hungry? There you go, sugar.

- Janelle, stop pimping out your phone

before I make your bill your ho.

- I'm telling Twitter

you don't support Black businesses.

- Don't y'all got a school bus to catch?

Go on and get some book learning or something.

- Go, go, get out. - Run along.

- We didn't even get to eat nothing yet.

- That's what school is for.

- Dang! Bye.

- Run along.

Watch it, now. I saw you roll your eyes.

Go on, now.

- Now that the kids is gone,

you got three minutes to spare?

- For you, baby, I'll give you five.

- Boy, stop lying. - Four and a half.

- Yeah, right. - [chuckles]

- What are y'all doing back?

Don't you know the point of school

is so kids don't exist for eight hours?

- Auntie says she's been trying to call.

- So have the extended warranty people.

- She wants to talk to you, Ma.

- Terry, see what she want. - All right, baby.

Hey, Denise.

[sad voice] Hey, Denise.

[normal voice] Yeah.

Ok--oh, oh, okay. Okay.

Um, I'm real sorry. We'll...

We'll be there.

- Why you apologizing to her?

- Um...

Pat, I don't know how to tell you this.

- I don't give a damn about nothing she told you.

- Your mama passed.

- Oh, my God.

- Grandma Mildred is dead?

- So sorry, baby. Can we-- - Give me a minute.

- Want me to get you some--some water or something?

- Just give me a minute, Terry.

- All right. I'ma drop y'all off at school, all right?

Come on. [sighs deeply]

- Love you, Ma.

- I'm sorry, Ma.

- I'm sorry, baby.

[door closes]

- Well, Mama...

Well, Mama...

You really know how to fuck up a good day.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Whew! - Whew.

- Feel good to be back in Atlanta--

holy capital of scammers and nigga shit.

- Yeah, right where you belong, Mama.

- Wow, look at this.

The last time I was up in this house,

my mother-in-law drew a gun on me

for turning off "The Price is Right."

- Better be glad it wasn't "The Young and the Restless."

She would've shot your ass. - Well...

- It still smells like Grandma in here.

- Yeah. Hennessy and hatred.

- Oh, snap.

I used to love this "Sanford and Son" couch.

- Yeah, that stain right there's

where I went into labor with Ashley.

- This whole place looks like 1985 killed itself.

- It did. My Uncle Squirrel died right there--

maybe where you sitting at.

- You know what? I'ma just stand.

- Hey, how did Uncle Squirrel die?

- He choked on some government peanut butter.

He forgot to put it in the oven.

- Kids, get back here, please! - What in the hell?

- Mr. Grazer? - Oh, hey, you guys.

- Janelle, what is your debate teacher doing here?

- That's Auntie's boyfriend, Lee.

- And she talks about my Black card.

- I hope you don't mind. Denise brought me with her.

She moved into my place after your little squabble.

- Giving my kids drugs is not a little squabble.

It's a felony. - Are you sure?

- Trust me, I know felonies.

And who kids are those?

- Well, we know they're not mine.

The little one has my phone and won't give it back.

- Where y'all going? - Hey.

What is wrong with you kids?

Hey, look, don't y'all want some candy?

Look, look, look, look, candy.

That old-ass butterscotch will kill they asses.

- Auntie! - Oh, hi, baby!

Oh, my babies.

- Hey, D. - Goodness.

Man, damn, I really missed y'all.

- For real. - Patricia.

- Denise-a-ka.

- So what's it been, about a year?

- Three months. - Yeah, right? About a year.

Oh, look, I got some shirts.

You guys got to put them on.

Um, they say...

"rest in peace, Mama.

Like Mary J. Blige, there's no more drama."

Isn't it nice? - I'm so proud of her.

I think the shirts are fantastic.

And, uh, we even had one made for the dog.

- [laughs] Yeah, we got a dog.

You know how couples do.

- I'll take one. - Uh, yeah, me too.

- You got a extra large?

- Let me get one of them two Xs.

You want one, Pat?

- I'm not wearing that bullshit.

- Well, that's okay, Pat,

because I had a conversation with God,

and I asked Him to change your heart.

But I guess He couldn't get to it

'cause your arteries is clogged.

- You been praying, Denise?

That's good. - Oh, thanks, T.

You know, after your wife threw me out on the street

and I became homeless-- - You always been homeless.

- I had a talk with God,

and God reminded me that I always got a home with Him.

- Let's see what happen when you give His son weed.

- Well, God always loved the burning bush.

And He will not throw me out, Pat.

I been baptized. - God don't give a fuck.

- Denise, you ready?

I still got a few more people I got to--

Oh, is that Rabbit over there?

- It's Pat. And what is Blowpop the pimp doing here?

- Blowpop the pimp?

- Yeah, we used to sell coochie and crack

on the same damn corner. - Name's Curtis.

And I am the proud owner of Heavenly Lay Funeral Homes.

[chuckles]

In case you know any niggas got cancer...

- And he's giving us a good rate on Mama's service.

- We call it "the Heavenly Hookup."

You see, at Heavenly Lay,

we make your loved ones look so good,

they should've went to hell.

- That's a long flight from hos to widows.

- How about we go into the kitchen

and look at the options that he laid out for Mama?

- After y'all.

- Go on, Blowpop.

You ain't walking behind me, nigga--I don't trust you.

- I want to thank you both for entrusting me

with such an important moment.

I know you both only want the best of the best

for your mother.

- The best of whatever her insurance gonna cover.

- For sure!

Let's start off with the premium packages.

[chuckles] This option comes fully loaded

with a hand-stitched satin lining

and a memory-foam head lift for comfort.

Shoot, we even throw a custom mirror in that baby.

- What the fuck she need with a mirror?

She ain't getting no dick where she going.

- Well, I think it's really beautiful,

and I think she would love it.

- And on the next page, we got velvet--

- Velvet? This must be the rich dead nigga book.

Where the broke dead nigga book at?

- Here.

- Yep, we'll take this plain box with the polyester lining.

- Do you have to shit on everything I do?

- I don't have to shit on everything you do.

Everything you do is shit.

- Curtis, I think--

Ooh, shit, Curtis, this is nice.

This is real soft. Pat, did you feel that?

- That's 100% chinchilla.

- Nigga, that is baby doll hair.

We'll take the polyester.

Get that shit away from me before it fuck up my allergies.

- Really, Pat?

Our mama is dead and gone,

and you're still trying to punish her.

You can't let nothing go, can you?

- I let you go, didn't I?

- Of course you did, Pat,

because you don't care about nobody but yourself.

You can't even bury our mama for thinking about money.

- Of course I'm thinking about money, 'cause I'm the one

that's gonna end up paying for all of this shit.

- Well, she didn't have nothing in life, Pat.

The least we could do is give her something in death.

- I'm not buying no memory foam for no woman

that ain't gonna have no more memories.

- Ain't nobody asked you to pay for nothing--I got this.

- Oh, you got this? - Yes.

- With this fake-ass funeral home man

sitting here trying to sell a dead person a mirror?

He trying to rob us.

- Well, I'm heading on out.

But y'all remember this...

if you don't pay the right rates,

your mama won't make it to the pearly gates.

- Look at this shit you done got us into.

- No, you done made this man leave.

- Do you realize how stupid you been?

[all shouting indistinctly]

- Hey, hey!

Put this mess to the side so you can do this funeral!

Now, aren't you two tired of fighting each other?

- What I'm tired of is that wig on her damn head.

- Oh, well, speaking of wigs,

I know that ain't mine on your head.

- I would never wear your unicorn-ass wig.

- Then why are the tips pink?

- This is my wig.

But we all know that you like pink tips.

- No, keep me out of this.

- Bitch, you dyed my fucking wig,

and that's why you ain't sent them back.

- You better get this bitch. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, look, look, now,

can we just--just please focus

on burying your mother for the funeral?

Now, come on-- [children screaming]

Who in the hell kids are these?

Come here. Sit down in there. Come here.

- Where did Mildred keep the melatonin?

- Melatonin don't work on crack babies.

You better mix that shit with Hpnotiq.

- Yo, Look at Grandma and Aunt Gwen in this picture.

- Ah, Grandma was so beautiful.

- Yeah, so was her sister.

You know, this explains a lot about my fine self

but raises so many questions about how y'all look.

- Actually, your theory's wrong.

See, girls tell me that if I work out and, uh...

[sniffs] You know, get my money up

that they'll think about it, so...

- Doesn't it feel like so much history gets lost

whenever a matriarch dies?

- Some shit is better off lost.

Why you keep following me?

- 'Cause I'm to make sure you don't take

none of Mama's stuff like you took my wig.

- I can take my mama's stuff if I want to take my mama's stuff.

It's my damn mama.

- And what are y'all doing? You working for her?

- It's her show. We just on it.

- We're looking for pictures for the obituary.

- It's crazy that she's gone.

I mean, do we know what happened to her?

- Well, the neighbor told me she had a heart attack

in the backyard.

- I didn't know she had a heart to attack.

- Are those bullet holes?

- Yeah, but she only shot at us

when she didn't take her medicine.

- Well, what kind of medicine did she take?

- I don't know. She ain't never take it.

- Sounds like y'all had a pretty good childhood.

- Yep, it was definitely a childhood.

- More like child-in-the-hood.

- [grunts] Can somebody please help me?

- Y'all, get them kids off that white man

before they catch a case.

- All right, you grab the bald one--I got Buckwheat.

- You know, Pat, being in Mama's house

has really made me think.

I had Mama worrying a lot about me

when I was doing drugs all those years.

It's really important to me that I make it up to her

with this funeral.

- You know what?

If you want to spend a fortune on Mama funeral,

go right ahead. - Really?

- Yeah, if you think you can handle it.

- Oh, I can handle it.

- But you can't ask me for nothing.

- Nothing, nothing. I got this.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Pat.

- [sighs]

- What's wrong?

- It's kind of weird being back here,

knowing that I'm never gonna hear Mama voice calling me

"a dumb bitch" again.

- Yeah.

But if you need me to call you that for old time's--

- Try it and die.

[soft organ music playing]

♪ ♪

- What the hell is going on?

- Is this the right place?

- Those my favorite mourners?

- Blowpop, what type of BBL burial bullshit is this?

I knew you was still pimping.

- No, Rabbit, this is a funeral for one of my old hos--Pumpkin.

It's tragic.

She was working-- at the strip club--

and she slipped on some chicken-wing grease

in the kitchen, and she fell and broke her fingers

and her neck in three places.

- Oh, my God.

- Lot of folks gonna miss that neck.

- I can imagine. - Don't imagine.

This ain't Sesame Street.

- Look, look, don't y'all worry nothing about that,

because they might be right next to y'all,

but they will not disturb your service,

I can guarantee you that.

Now, are you ready to see your mother's space?

- Sure.

[camera shutter clicking]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

- This casket got everything but rims.

- Uh, how are we affording all of this?

- We're not. Apparently Denise is.

- Hey, everybody.

- Ashley's here!

- Hey, sissy. Good to see y'all.

- Is that a Newport and Hennessey wreath?

- That is incredibly ratchet, but I approve.

My granny loved her some Hennessey.

- Who is this?

- This is my girlfriend, Tanika.

Remember? I told you about her.

- Hi.

Now's not the time to be introducing us

to your new stamp.

- How is she a stamp?

- Ain't this the bitch you be licking?

- You need to tell your mama

people don't lick stamps no more.

She need to upgrade her homophobia.

- Tell Lena Waithe I heard her.

- Hi, Tanika.

I'm Terry. This is Pat.

Ashley's told us all about you.

- She's warned me about y'all, too.

Mm-hmm.

[children screaming]

- I thought we left them niggas at the house.

- Y'all get your ass--

Kids! Stop all that damn running around.

Mildred trying to sleep.

- Trina, them your badass kids? - Yeah. [chuckles]

But they not bad. They just, you know...

- Demons.

Why you leave them at the house?

Mama was dead. - Shh!

They don't know that.

- And you mean to tell me you couldn't change out

of your Waffle House uniform before coming to a funeral?

- Oh, this? This just the darkest outfit I got.

So how you been since you moved to Indiana?

Your mama told me y'all live with white people.

- We don't live with white people.

They're our neighbors.

- Well, y'all got room for us?

- Hell, no. I don't need no more kids.

- But my kids need a nice environment

to grow up in, too, you know.

- You better take them niggas to a dog park.

- Oh!

You mean.

You ain't got your mama's heart.

Now, she was always good about helping me with my kids.

And all I had to do was pay her in Hennessy and...

[crying] Newports.

I'm sorr--

You know, I was the one that found her.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Um, what happened?

- So she was having hot flashes,

and she went to the window to cool off,

and then I guess her behind started sweating,

and she just fell out and hit the ground.

- I thought she died from a heart attack.

- Oh, no, girl, that's just what I told the neighbors.

[chuckles]

And she had just asked me

to pay the light bill that morning, too.

But I guess now I can just keep that little $150,

'cause I got three kids.

You know, I need my money.

Hey! You! Come sit down.

- Sit down. Sit down.

- I don't know how you afforded all of this.

- Well, I had to cut the praise dances,

but I made it work.

- It's beautiful. - Thank you.

I did Mama proud.

- Before we get started, I'd like to take a moment aside

before we send Ms. Mildred on home.

- Mildred?

This ain't Pumpkin funeral? - Pumpkin next door.

- Oh, shit. - We got ourselves--

- We sorry.

- Okay, as y'all know, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the life of one Ms. Mildred Anne Ford...

[cell phone chimes] Who is survived

by her two beautiful daughters.

One of whom has a declined credit card.

Services will resume once payment has cleared.

Lacrecia!

- I knew you couldn't afford all this shit.

- Well, damn, when did they start charging cards

on the same day?

- I hope you got your prayer pillow ready,

because, knowing Blowpop,

you about to get on your knees to fix this one.

- You know what? Go to hell, Pat.

- No. Send me somewhere you ain't going,

you fake-ass Christian.

- Oh, I bet you I put my fake-ass Christian--

- You always fucking up. I tried to tell you--

[both shouting indistinctly]

- Hey, hey! Y'all stop all that fussing.

I heard you all the way in the parking lot.

Today ain't the day to be acting like yourselves.

- Hey, Aunt Gwen, I thought you wasn't coming.

- What made you say that?

- Well, you didn't answer your phone.

What was I supposed to think?

- That I didn't want to talk to you.

Now, what the hell's going on?

- Pat trying to make me look stupid.

- That ain't hard to do.

- Aunt Gwen, she-- she threw me out of the house.

She stole my wigs.

And now she don't even want to pay for Mama's funeral.

- Ain't nobody ask for all of this shit!

I mean stuff.

- I asked for it.

She thought everything I did was wrong.

Why can't you let me do something right for once?

- 'Cause she fuck up everything!

I mean screwed up.

- Life ain't but a blink.

And y'all two broads out here fussing?

I ain't seen my sister in damn near 20 years.

And the first time I see her, she laying in a box.

Where is the box?

- Ask Denise.

- I said they wasn't supposed to run the card yet.

- Fine, fine.

Hey, come, please. Take this card.

My sister owes me thousands of dollars,

but I'm gonna be the bigger person

and pay for the thing myself

so I can show my grown nieces how to behave.

I ain't been talking to your mother since we had a fight

about something I can't even remember.

But I can't take it all back.

Oh, I do remember. She fucked my husband.

- Mama slept with Uncle Jack?

- Did a whole lot more than sleeping.

But he gave her syphilis.

God is good!

all: All the time.

- Now, obviously, none of that matters now.

I can always get a new husband without a dirty dong,

but what I can't get is a new sister.

Now, if I can be civil,

y'all can, too.

both: Fine.

- Now let me say goodbye to my sister

with some peace and dignity.

[sighs]

- 'Crecia.

As y'all know, we are gathered here today

to honor the life

of one Ms. Mildred Anne Ford,

who is survived by two beautiful daughters...

[cell phone chimes] And her wonderful sister...

who also has a declined credit card.

Lacrecia.

- What the fuck you put on this funeral?

- I'm sorry, okay? I just wanted it to be nice.

- Listen, it's okay. Me and Lee are gonna split it.

- He can take my card for some of it, too.

- Do they take CashApp or Venmo?

- Oh, we take it all, my brother.

But if you send it through PayPal,

please remember to send it as a friend.

- Y'all can have that light-bill money.

- Yeah, I'll put some of Junebug's cash in on it, too.

- I can't let y'all do that.

She was my mama, so I'm gonna pay for it

like I knew I would.

- After all of this, I'm gonna need some cash.

- Now, y'all, this has truly been quite a lovely service.

But now I'd like to close us out

with what I know was Cousin Mildred favorite song,

if y'all don't mind.

[all agreeing]

This for you, Milly Mill.

[clears throat]

[clicks tongue] ♪ I don't fight ♪

[all murmuring]

♪ I don't argue ♪

- Come on, now, sing the song. [all murmuring]

- ♪ I just hit that bitch with a bottle ♪

♪ Oh, I don't fight ♪

♪ I don't argue ♪

♪ I just hit that bitch with a bottle ♪

♪ I don't fight ♪

♪ I don't argue ♪

♪ I just hit that bitch... ♪ all: ♪ With a bottle ♪

- ♪ No, I don't fight, no ♪

all: ♪ I don't argue ♪

♪ I just hit that bitch with a bottle ♪

- ♪ No, I don't fight ♪

♪ I don't argue, I just... ♪

all: ♪ Hit that bitch with a bottle ♪

- Ouch!

Now, y'all know y'all could've shaved her mustache

before you put her in this casket.

Hmm. I would've loved to hear her response to that.

- You ready to go, Auntie?

- I'm ready.

Bye, baby sis.

- Gonna be all right, baby? - Yep.

I just want to say goodbye.

- I'm gonna miss you calling me four times a year

to pay your phone bill.

I know you loved us.

And I love you, too.

And I know you did your best,

but your best wasn't always good enough.

Rest easy, Mama.

[shimmering tone]

- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

- What the hell? - Don't fucking cuss at me.

Why did you let my sister

put them flying monkey lips on me?

And why the hell am I being buried in a bra?

My titties need to be free

so Teddy Pendergrass can motorboat me.

- Why are you talking? - 'Cause I feel like it.

Why are you fat? - Here come the bullshit.

- Cuss again.

Cuss again, and watch your ass be in this box.

- Yes, ma'am.

- I appreciate you coming.

I know it wasn't easy.

- It wasn't-- - Bitch. Let the dead talk.

I know I made a lot of mistakes.

You two didn't get the guidance you needed

to become regular whole people.

That's why y'all got to stick together.

Otherwise it's just two half dumbasses walking around,

when you and your sister need to be one whole dumbass.

That would make me proud.

- I-I don't understand. - Yes, you do.

- Okay.

- Now, let me go find Teddy.

You know I love a nigga in a wheelchair.

Mmm.

It's a good rock when he can roll.

- Bye, Mama.

[shimmering tone]

- I'm so glad you here. Can we just talk about--

- Nothing. I don't want to talk about nothing with you, Pat.

You tried to make me look like a fool today.

- Look, Denise, I don't want to fight.

- Well, I don't either. I don't fight. I don't argue.

I just hit that bitch with a summons.

See you in court. - For what?

- You owe me for emotional damage

and, most of all, my iconic wigs.

Hmm. See you in court.

Not bad for a crackhead.

[shimmering tone] - [cackling wildly]

You dumb bitch. [cackling]

Your big sister got that ass again!

[cackles]

That was good! [cackling]

- Blowpop, is it too late to cremate that bitch?