Original subtitles

- People like to pretend

that when you get older,

you get more secure about yourself.

But in reality, your self-esteem

can get as low as your titties.

And then a midlife crisis can set in.

And gray hairs start poppin' up in areas

that you never thought you would see it.

It's almost like God trying to be funny, y'all.

That's why I stopped shaving July 31st.

'Cause I wasn't gonna walk around

with no bald head pussy.

We all have realize that it's a blessing to get old.

Because...

because...

Fuck it, y'all, I was trying to make up something

to make me feel good.

We'll just start the fucking show.

[crickets chirping]

- Terry, turn the light off.

Terry?

What the hell?

- What's goin' on?

- Why are women fucking on your phone?

- What--what--what?

It--it--it was just a pop up.

I was just--I was just watching a game.

- When a nigga start moaning

when they make a touchdown, Terry?

- Babe, baby. Look now--

- Don't baby me.

Why you watching porn while I'm sleep?

You coulda just woke me up and let me say no like a real wife.

- Shh!

Keep it down. The kids are sleeping.

- I was sleeping too until you woke me up

to titty-titty bang-bang

- Okay, baby, look. I'm sorry.

All right? Okay?

Look, I-I-I wasn't even gonna finish off with that mess.

I was saving the rest for you.

- I don't block other bitches' blessing.

- Wait, wait, hey-- hey, babe look, let me--

let me just explain to you, all right?

Now I was just watching-- - Terry, take your ass to bed

and keep your hands where I can see 'em.

- ♪ Hop on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Good morning, kids. - Good morning, parentals.

- Good morning. - You want some coffee, Pat?

- Yep, I like my coffee like you like your women,

fresh and hot.

- You know I don't like my women fresh and hot.

I like you.

You know what I meant. - I know what you said.

- You guys okay?

- We all right. - We're fine.

- Okay. Oh, hey, Dad.

- Yeah.

- Can you drop us off a little early?

I wanna talk to my teacher about some extra credit.

- Yeah, sure, no problem.

Ain't like I got no place to go.

- What is wrong with you?

- And hurry up so I can get back home

and finish fixing that wall.

- You wouldn't finish that wall even if you got help

from Home Depot. - Watch!

I'm gonna put a smile back on your face.

All right, y'all, let's head on out.

- Bye, Ma. - For the record,

going to school early could be considered child abuse.

- Boy, get your ass out of here.

- Junebug?

Why got on them old, raggedy tennis shoes?

We just bought you some new ones.

- But these vintage kicks are in.

- You know, your daddy don't like old tennis shoes.

He like them new one

with the big tongue and the chunky bottoms.

- Not from what I can see.

All he wears is them old black ones.

- Yeah. I like them old black ones.

They're my favorite one. - Get on out of here.

- Oh, baby, could you-- could you,

you know, keep this between us?

I mean, all I need right now

is your loud ass sister getting into my business.

- I ain't gonna tell Denise. - Thank you.

- Hey, Pat-Pat. - Girl, you know I caught

Terry watching porn last night?

- Girl, you know, they got a term for men who watch porn.

It's called normal shit.

- Don't play with me-- you the same person

who broke up with Darnell

when you caught him watching porn.

- Correction, I caught Darnell watching tickle porn.

- What the hell is tickle porn?

- Grown ass men in they drawers tickling each other.

Oof, I was scared.

- Well, Terry ain't into no shit like that.

It was just a bunch of little young skinny bitches.

- Well, what do young and skinny bitches

got to do with you? - Not a damn thing,

but you should've seen them, girl.

They was like...

[moaning and grunting]

[shouting]

Girl, if I let Terry hit me from the back like that,

my titty would knock me the fuck out.

Do you think he think I'm still attractive?

- Oh, girl, I ain't 'bout to do this BS with you.

That man married you knowing that you unemployed,

can't cook, and curse like a sailor.

- Hell that's supposed to mean?

- That you're lucky Terry got bad taste.

Now, see, you gonna need to call

one of Terry's young bitches

and have her bend down and pick these oranges up for you.

- And five more. And four.

- Come on baby. - And three.

- Come for mama. - And two.

- Ain't you gonna bust or what?

- And one.

And five more on the ground.

Last set,

and five, four,

and three, and two.

And I think we got ten more left in us.

- No, the fuck we don't.

- [groaning]

Come on, Pat-Pat.

We were almost there.

- That nigga trying to kill us.

And why are you breathing so hard with your skinny ass?

I thought you was in shape.

- Oh, please, my insides look like your outside.

Fuck this.

Let's get some soul food delivered.

- I would love some soul food, but I gotta get in shape,

'cause Terry looking at these young hos.

- Girl, if you don't get a grip.

You married to Terry Carson, not Terry Crews.

- Maybe you right. - Ah, no, I get it.

- Look, watch this.

- Y'all picked up a new contract.

- Oh, I'm so hot and thirsty.

I'm so hot and thirsty.

This water is so wet.

- Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

- You like that.

I'll wash it if you want it.

- Right, well, just tell them that I'm available.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm on the phone.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, all right, all right.

- Oh, Pat-Pat.

That was embarrassing.

But you probably should still wash it.

So what you wanna do now?

- Go shopping and fuck up his credit.

[doorbell chimes]

- Hello, ladies.

- Hello, Elizabeth. Oh, Ryan is not here.

- No, I just came by

to pick up the jacket that he left over here.

- Remember you called earlier and I told you

Junebug would bring it to school on Monday?

- I know. Okay.

To be honest, I just needed to get out of the house.

- Well, come the fuck on in then.

Today is my divorce anniversary.

- They celebrate that shit? - Yes.

With tears and vodka.

Ryan is gone with his dad

and then my book club meeting was canceled.

So it was either drive over here,

sit at home and cry, or just watch old wedding videos.

- Goddamn, that's depressing. - I know.

- Junebug, Ryan mama here for his jacket.

- If I called Ryan like that, he would just ignore me.

- Child, if Junebug ever ignored me,

he'll be on Black Mama Murder Mysteries.

- Hey, Miss Patterson. Here you go.

- Oh. Thanks.

- Oh, when is Ryan coming home?

- Well, that is up to his father's new girlfriend.

She wants him to bond with her spoiled kids

and Ryan hates them. - He said they were cool.

- He hates them!

I'm sorry. - You okay, Elizabeth?

- Yeah. Can I get you anything?

Water, coffee?

A cheap hit man?

Never mind. I know just what you need.

Pat, you got some more of that vodka?

- We out of vodka. - Oh, I'm not.

What, you don't carry an emergency bottle in your purse?

- No, the only thing I keep in my purse is crumbs,

Kotex, and cocoa butter.

- I'm sorry. I mean, it's been a year.

I don't--I don't know why it's still get so worked up.

- Who idea was it to get a divorce?

- It was his and it came out of nowhere.

I mean, he had a gambling problem

and then a whole other family I knew nothing about,

but besides that we were perfect.

I should have noticed that he started losing interest.

- Really? - Oh, please, Pat.

Don't even think about it. I mean, just 'cause Elizabeth

couldn't satisfy her husband doesn't mean that you don't.

No shade, but the sun is gone.

- I know, I really do need to get myself together.

- Who you telling? - Ooh, I have an idea.

We're going to the club.

- The club, Denise? What that's supposed to help?

- Well, it's supposed to help y'all to not be so damn boring.

Up here thinking about some man's opinion

when what you need to do

is spend time with yourself, for yourself.

- I don't know what that is.

- Okay, well, when was the last time you pleasured yourself?

- You mean like with a sex toy?

- If I bought a sex toy and it got stuck,

who the fuck gonna help me get it out?

- Well, it better be Terry, 'cause I ain't touching it.

Y'all really need to grow up, especially you, Elizabeth.

- [scoffs] - Now we're going out tonight

like the bad bitches that we are.

- Are you crazy?

I haven't gotten out like that in years.

Not since I staged my own kidnapping.

- You weird as fuck.

- And when was the last time you went out, Pat?

And a comedy club don't count.

- The last time I went out, me and Terry

head on matching Fat Albert Fubu outfits.

- Oh, hell no. Okay.

So, I heard about this club called the Sanctuary

and it's just 40 minutes outside of town.

- Sounds like an adventure I'm in.

- Yes! She's in, okay.

Now you, Pat. You in?

You gotta stop being a control freak

and learn how to be a freak-freak.

- Yeah.

- And I know just what to do with you guys' looks.

We about to be on some real hot girl shit.

- [squealing]

I've always wanted to be a hot girl.

- I mean, I could use a night out with the girls,

but Terry will lose his mind if he found out I went to a club.

- Oh, stop being a punk, okay?

I mean, and if you're really scared that Terry is over you,

you might want to start doing some things by yourself.

- Girl, the only way Terry could get rid of me

is if I killed him.

- Look, I just heard Auntie

tell Ma that if her and Dad break up.

She's gotta get used to doing things on her own.

- You know anything out of

Aunt Denise's mouth should be taken with a gallon of salt.

- I know, but you know,

they were acting weird this morning at breakfast.

Remember, arguing about that coffee?

- Arguing is their love language.

- But what if they get a divorce?

- Okay, look, do not say that.

All right, they're...

they're probably just under a lot of pressure.

Now we need to do everything we can to help out around here.

Make it easier on them, you know?

- Yeah, you're right.

- All right. Well, your time is up.

Bye-bye.

- All right.

Well...since they're stressed

and we're doing our part...

you wouldn't mind signing this report card for me?

- Really? - Think about it.

- Yes, yes, yes, a long shot is better than no shot.

[chuckles] Yeah,

I applied for my Indiana ID.

No, it ain't came yet,

but I got my permit to prove that it's coming.

Yeah. Good looking out, Jay, peace.

Hey, baby, have you seen my Indiana work permit?

- It's in the top drawer. - Okay.

- Denise wants me to go to the Sanctuary tonight.

Ain't that crazy?

- Denise? Why she wanna go there?

- 'Cause Elizabeth was feeling down

and she thinks it will lift her spirit.

And then she gonna have the nerve to ask me

do I wanna go and I told her--

- Have fun. - What?

- I said have fun. I'll see you when you get back.

- You really don't care?

- I'm shocked, but I don't care.

You should go more often. Have a good time.

- [sighs]

- How can you study when life as we know is about to change?

- Would you shut up about that?

Mom and Dad fight and make up.

They're creatures of habit. It's fine.

- You might want to check your bank account.

'Cause somebody ordered some bad bitches.

- And they were expensive.

[squealing]

Oh, in case you don't recognize me, it's me.

It's Ryan's mom.

- Yeah, and how you guys like your auntie's make-over skills?

Don't she look fly?

- She looks like the white version of you.

- Oh, thank you! - Thank you!

- Pat, get your ass down here.

- I don't wanna go nowhere looking like this.

- Pat, you said you would let me take the lead.

Now get down here. You look great.

- I look like a goddamn Tully Tucker.

- Would you stop it? You look like me.

- You look like a goddamn Tully Tucker.

- Wow, Ma. Uh...wow.

- Ditto.

- Oh, just forget it.

Okay, Elizabeth, now before we go in,

you should let me lay them edges down for you.

- White people don't have no edges.

- Okay, well, let me lay your corners down for you.

- Let's do it, let's do it! - I got everything in my purse.

We can do it in Pat's car.

We 'bout to break some hearts tonight.

- If we don't break our fucking ankles first.

- Wait, is Daddy going with you?

- Yeah, he should be back from the hardware store any second.

- Hell no, y'all make sure y'all don't stay up too late.

- See, I told you! What are we gonna do now?

- It's so nice to see Black people again.

- Now I know you ladies have been

off the market for a while.

So, let me give y'all the new rules.

Do not leave your drink uncovered

because they will drug you

and drag your ass right out this club.

- Girl, I got on a spike.

If they can get this off, they can get some pussy and a tit.

- Rule number two.

If you lock eyes with somebody, turn away after 1.2 seconds.

- And what if I look longer?

- Well, then he going to be on your flat ass all night.

Y'all ready? - You good.

Y'all don't need IDs. - [laughs]

- See that? See,

when you're a bad bitch you don't need ID.

- If that's the case, I'ma need to see y'all's IDs.

- People fuckin' young as hell in this club.

I can see they umbilical cords.

- Damn, I left my wedding ring.

- You good. Nobody checking for you.

- Fuck you!

- Let's take a selfie.

- Hey, aunties, you holding up my line--get.

- I don't even have a nephew.

[squeals] - Ooh, I look delicious.

- Ew, delete that. - Yes, please, I look fat.

- That's for my page.

I don't give a fuck about y'all.

"Girls' night out." Bam.

[dance music playing]

- Goddamn, when'd they start putting

fireworks on the drinks?

- Excuse me, miss, but can I get--

- Nigga, with all this chocolate up here,

the first thing you gonna do is approach

the first white woman you see?

- Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.

- Old self-hating ass nigga.

- I was just going to check y'all's coats.

- Oh, hell yeah, huh.

- Assholes.

- What's up, ladies? - Hey!

- Now which one of you old bitches

done got they heart broke?

- The bitch who ain't gonna give you no tip tonight.

- Ooh! - And we're not old bitches.

We're bad bitches.

- Oh. Well, in that case,

I'm gon' make you cougars my specialty,

'cause it look like you need it.

I call it the "step your pussy up in the moonlight."

- That sounds good. Give me a virgin.

- Hold the fuck up. What is in it?

- I can't tell you that, but what I can tell you

is it's gonna make you cougars forget

about whatever you came in here for in the first place

and you just might suck a dick.

- Okay. - Make mine a double.

- Give me a water called "dick give me vertigo."

- Oh, chill.

- Ooh, a table.

- ♪ I'ma drop it like it's hot ♪

- When did the young hos start coming to the club

in they underwear?

They're gonna get pneumonia in their asses.

- Why are those men staring at us?

- Look away, bitch. I said 1.2 seconds.

Now go on-- 1.2 seconds.

They are fine though.

- Them niggas trying to get our Social Security checks.

- Oh, sh--God...

- You need some help?

- No, no, I got it.

I just want to get this done before your mother gets home.

- If she ever comes back home.

- What?

- Nothing.

- Are you and Ma okay? - We're fine.

Why? - I don't know.

It's just, things feel a little off with you guys.

- Well... Daddy messed up a little bit,

but building that wall is gonna go a long way

in getting me out the doghouse.

- Wait.

You think fixing that wall is all you have to do?

- Of course not, you know,

I still got to go get some waffle fries from Chick-fil-A.

- [groans]

I can't--I can't talk to him.

- I got this. - You got what?

- You know what, Dad, Mom-- - Nothing--nothing.

- Uh... - You know...

Ma was looking really good tonight.

- Oh, she always look good.

Especially, you know, on those rare occasions

when she go to church, like tonight.

- She told you she was going to church?

- Yeah, with Denise.

- Aunt Denise? And--Dad, you--

- That is good! [laughs nervously]

- Uh... What--what's going on here?

- Nothing. - I don't think so.

Knowing your auntie... [laughs]

She probably posting some heathen mess

about their church right now online.

- Don't do it.

- I heard somebody was getting wet!

both: Dick tonight! - Turn up!

- What the hell? This ain't no church!

- But it is the Sanctuary.

- And if she said she was going to the sanctuary,

then technically she didn't lie.

- Yeah. I mean,

maybe she wanted to go out so she could feel special.

- But I make her feel special.

- I'm not saying you don't, but...

sometimes you gotta be reminded

when you need it the most. - Huh.

You know what? I got an idea.

- Where are you going?

- To church. I hope I can find my Fubu.

- [panting]

- These new dances is out of control.

- Girl, who you telling? I feel like I need a condom

just to two step.

What are you doing?

- Checking on the kids. - Girl, them kids are fine.

- Terry might be hungry. - He cook better than you, Pat.

I mean, you came here to have a good time.

- [sighs]

[laughs]

- Hey, Becky, how that drink treat you?

- Oh, I feel like, for the first time in my life,

I can feel my vagina.

- That mean that motherfucker working hard.

- [squeals]

- I saw you out there, Elizabeth--you got some moves.

- Oh, well, thank you.

And my husband said Hip-Hop Abs wouldn't pay off.

Well, go to hell, Evan!

- She didn't say they was good moves.

- Y'all, I'm exhausted.

- Me too, I couldn't dance another--

- You wanna dance?

- You bet your tight little ass I do.

- [laughs]

- I'm ready to go.

- Oh, Pat, you never even got here.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm saying that your body is here,

but your mind is at home with Terry and kids.

- He's probably worried about me.

- Then let him worry. - But I can't.

- You been sitting here all night.

You wanna dance?

- No, baby, I'm on three different medications

and it is past my bedtime. I'm an old bitch.

- Just one dance. - Yeah.

Pat, it's just one dance.

I mean, plus we can't leave until Elizabeth stops dancing

or gets her ass beat for hitting somebody

while dancing, whichever comes first.

- Okay. Ooh, this young nigga strong.

[dance music playing]

- ♪ Y'all gonna make me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

- What the fuck?

[laughs] Goddamn.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

- What the hell?

- What the hell are you doing here?

- What the hell are you doing up in here?

- What's happening, T.D Jakes?

You're trying to put these titties in a sandwich?

- I'll put you in the sandwich, lil' shrimp.

- Terry, calm down.

- Don't tell me to calm down, Denise.

You lied about going to church so you could come down here

and twerk on a chitlin circuit Drake!

- You the one looking at young bitches,

like I done hit my expiration date.

- Hi, I am Elizabeth. I'm Ryan's mom.

You have a lovely home.

- Is this the type of young bitches that you like Terry?

The young heifers that was on your phone?

- I thought we left all that in the past.

- You thought wrong.

- Hey, y'all gonna have to take this outside.

- Hey, you better get your hands off of me, bro.

- Get your motherfucking hands up off of him.

- I knew your ass was tripping when I first saw you.

- I know you ain't talking to my wife like that.

- I am, now don't make me drag y'all old asses out of here.

- Man, you and what army?

- E Bombay.

- This nigga really got an army.

- It's just four against two. They still outnumber.

- No, it's four against three. - Four and a half.

And I'm getting my attorney on the phone.

- We gonna leave when we good and ready.

- Damn right.

[gunshots]

[people screaming]

- Oh, my God!

- Oh! It was most fun ever.

Oh, you know, I've never been shot at before.

- Girl, there's nobody shooting at you.

- It's just the way the black clubs

let you know that they're closing.

- All right. Come on, Elizabeth.

Let me drive your little ass home.

- And you can take my car. - Yeah.

'Cause she ain't got no car.

- Don't do that. You won't get it back.

- He lying.

I'ma bring your car back in the morning.

'Cause I got to go by my new piece house.

- Oh, you go, girl. You have at it.

- Oh, my God, I love hanging with white people.

- Hey, baby, um...

I'm sorry about making you feel insecure.

I mean, you know, not that I'm opposed to it,

but I don't really watch porn like that.

I just needed a distraction.

- A distraction from what? - [sighs]

Just for something to

keep my mind off of feeling useless around here.

- You're never useless. - I know,

but it's just hard remembering that sometimes.

- I'm here to remind you of that.

- You don't know how lucky

you make me feel

to have you in my corner.

I mean, even though you saw what you saw...

I only have eyes and lips for you.

- What about the other thing?

- Well, you know, that's all yours too,

but you might not be able to get it as much as you want,

since I go back to work this week.

- See, I told you you didn't have nothing to worry about.

- And as usual, you were right.

- Good.

What is all this?

We gonna make a video for you to watch?

- No, just a little something-something

for my one and only.

- And you finished the wall.

Did you get help from Home Depot?

- No, but I did get some help.

- [laughs]

Thank you, baby. Really?

- Oh, girl. You thought that was it?

♪ Tonight will be a special night ♪

♪ No matter where we go ♪

♪ And I'm so proud to be with you ♪

♪ So proud to share your love ♪

♪ You got me saying ♪

all: ♪ My-my-my, my-my-my-my ♪

♪ You sure look good tonight, yeah ♪

- ♪ And, girl, you are so damn fine ♪

♪ You got me saying ♪

♪ My-my-my ♪

♪ My, m-m-m-my ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show ♪

♪ ♪