Original subtitles

- You ever wonder why we have to say "I do"

when we get married?

They should replace that shit with "I'll try."

"Bitch, I tried not to cheat on you."

"Look, nigga, I'm trying to suck your little-ass dick."

Marriage can get hard, especially when he can't.

When you say "I do," you say "I do" to ugly-ass in-laws,

diabetes, gas,

fake-ass orgasms.

Sometimes you got to go through the dark to get to the light.

I don't give a fuck if you said "I do" to a broke-down bat.

You hold that bat down until it can fly again.

Now, one thing I don't want you to do is eat that damn bat,

'cause you know that shit will cause a global pandemic.

- What you doing-- trying to write a essay?

- Just trying to look for a job

so I can help Terry out with his layoff.

- Oh, well, that's good,

'cause, you know, this comedy thing is cute and all,

but it don't pay no bills.

- Bitch, you don't pay no bills.

- How you want your eggs?

- Over-easy, like your mamma.

They still hiring down at that Liberty Chicken you work at?

- I'm sure they are, since I quit.

- When?

- As soon as they find out I ain't coming in today.

You know, I'm gonna go down to the staffing place,

'cause I want to find something that I'm passionate about,

like you ... but with money.

- I thought you was passionate about quitting jobs.

- I am, but it don't pay.

Where's Terry?

- Still upstairs in the bathroom.

Every time I try to talk to him,

he run back in the bathroom.

- Sis, did you ever stop to think that maybe the man

doesn't want to talk to you about his layoff?

- I don't give a damn. I want to know why he didn't tell me.

- Have you ever met you?

Plus, men never say anything until it's too late.

That's why I buy my Plan Bs on wholesale.

- I just never seen him this stressed before.

- Oh, y'all are being way too dramatic.

It is really not that damn bad being unemployed.

- What the fuck happened to the lights?

- Well, like I said, it don't pay.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- What's going on with the power?

- We don't know.

- Yes, we do. - Shut the hell up, Denise.

- It's mad cold.

- Yeah, I'm freezing, and my phone's about to die.

- Y'all are fake-ass poor kids.

Try taking a shower with cold water.

That shit feel like police brutality.

- How am I supposed to cook breakfast with no power?

- The stove is gas, and don't act like

we didn't get ready for school using birthday candles.

- You should've blown them out and wished for a better life.

- I'm wishing for some heat.

I'm not built for this struggle life.

- With all that Black Lives Matter stuff

you be talking and you can't take a little field trip

to the hood?

- The fact that you equate poverty with blackness

is very problematic, Ma.

- Child, take that up with your government.

- All right, thank you.

- I see Ma Rainey Black Bottom finally got off the toilet.

What'd the electric company say?

- Well, apparently one of these Quakers hit a pole

and knocked the power out.

- You expect us to believe

that these white folks ain't got no lights?

- Once again, we're equating whiteness to wealth.

- Can you turn off like the lights?

- Did you pay the bill?

- Baby, why wouldn't I have paid the bill?

- Ah, uh, oop.

- I just know we forget sometimes.

- Baby, it's fine.

They said it should be back on later today or tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

Ah, we're gonna freeze to death.

- Where the hell are you going looking like an igloo?

- We got any more Honey Circle Nuts?

- Yeah, it's there on the counter.

- Oh, good.

I'm trying to get some before the milk spoils.

- Oh, boy, you used to suck on Pat's titties.

You'll be all right.

- It's better than sucking

on them peanut butter cups you rockin'.

- Suddenly I ain't hungry no more.

- Look at the Medicaid baby in his natural habitat.

[camera shutter clicks] - I got to get out of here.

- Terry, baby, I need to talk to you about something.

- Can we talk about it after I--

- Get out of a bathroom you just got out of?

- That's because you tried to cook last night.

- I'm serious, Terry. - What's going on? [sighs]

- I see how all of this stuff has taken a toll on you.

- Baby, I told you, the bills was paid, all right?

It's the whole neighborhood. - Ha!

- I'm not talking about the lights.

- Then what you talking about? - I'm getting a job.

- What? No, no, no, now, see, you ain't got no time for that.

You need to be focusing on your comedy.

- I can do comedy and have a job.

Hell, I used to run from the police

and breastfeed the baby at the same time.

- No. - Why are you acting like this?

- I said no.

- Okay.

Now, that's a man.

- You still going down to that agency today?

- I didn't say I was going today.

- Get dressed. We going.

- What you mean "we"?

You are not about to get me in trouble with Terry.

- Look, Terry need help, and you live here rent-free.

- I sleep on a futon.

- Bitch, it's better than sleeping on a crouton.

- [sighs]

- Ooh.

I ain't been in one of these places in years.

- Yeah, everybody just looks so desperate.

- 'Cause we are.

- You mean you are. I don't work by choice.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You don't go to the counter

until you fill out an application.

- That's what we trying to do. How do we get one?

- Ask me.

- I just asked you. - Okay, wait a minute.

So you the security guard and the clerk?

- [chuckles] Budget cuts.

Um, fill these out. - You got a pen?

- Do I look like I got pens.

- I don't know, nigga. You do everything else.

- Well, they're over at the workstation.

- You know, you got a real bad attitude problem.

- Oh, I got an attitude. You have the problem.

- Where the hell you from-- Mayberry?

You look like you went to school with Opie.

- Well, you look like Aunt Bee.

- I got your Aunt Bee.

- "Are you willing, able, and ready to work?"

Ha! No. No, and hell, no.

- What the hell you mean "hell, no"?

- I just let go of a job.

A bitch needs some me time before she get back to work.

- How much crack you used to smoke, Denise?

[cell phone vibrating]

- That's Junebug. You ain't gonna answer it?

- I know my kids.

If they call the first time, it was a mistake.

Second time, they want some money.

Third time, they was in jail.

- So when do you answer?

- The fourth time.

- [clicks tongue] Ah, come on, Ma, answer the phone.

- What are you calling Ma for?

- I'm trying to see if I can go hang out with my friends.

- The friends you let call you "June the Coon"?

You know good and well that's a no.

- Dang. My phone's on 3%.

Hey, can you call Ma again for me?

- No, I'm saving my battery

for when Kendrick Sampson goes live.

- Don't nobody care about Kendrick Sampson.

- That's a Black man talking about activism

with his shirt off.

Oh, we care.

- Wait, come closer and talk more.

- Why?

- There's finally some use for your hot breath.

- Hey, what's going on in here?

- So violent.

- He's working the last warm nerve I got.

- Where's your mother?

- We don't know. She left with Auntie.

Hey, Dad, uh, can I go to my friend Ryan's house?

- No. - But--

- I am not repeating myself.

- Maybe we all just need a distraction, you know?

Looks like we all could use a smile.

- You know what? That's true. Let's look at this

as an opportunity to spend more time together.

- Yeah, see, that's a good way of looking at it.

- Yeah, maybe we could play some board games

like when y'all did when y'all was kids.

- Oh, God, no. - Can we not?

- Your choice-- dominoes or Monopoly?

- Neither.

- Monopoly it is.

- Come on, Dad, it is too cold to be playing games.

- All right, come on, I'll turn the oven on.

- Great! I'll put my head in it.

- So what type of job are we looking for today?

- I'm looking for one that offers maximum pay

for minimum effort.

- [laughs]

I'm afraid Congress isn't hiring.

Um, why did you leave your last job?

- Oh, simple miscommunication-- the manager thought that I said

I was gonna beat her ass next Tuesday.

What I really said

was I was gonna beat her ass into next Tuesday.

- Simple miscommunication.

- What's your work history?

- I used to be a small-business owner and pharmaceutical rep.

- Oh, you have a background in pharmaceutical sales.

- Oh, no, nothing like that, girl.

I used to sell Crack..

er Jacks.

It was seasonal.

- What would you say you're good at?

- You know, people always tell me

that I know how to start a turn-up.

Ooh, You got anybody who need a hype man?

- How well do you know technology?

- I know how to play Candy Crush.

Everything else, I leave it to them, damn kids.

- Ah, definitely sounds like me with my kids.

It's all about keeping up.

- Child, you can't keep up with nobody

who come out of the vagina knowing how to work a iPad.

- Oh, you're funny. That's a plus.

- I'm a comedian. You should hire me.

I can make your funeral funny.

- It seems you don't quite have any assets.

- Stop lying.

I saw you looking at 'em when I came in here.

- Oh, uh...

- Well, with your poor job history...

both: We do have one position available.

both: I'll take it!

- I'll buy Connecticut Avenue.

- Should've bought Electric Company

and turned the power back on.

[laughter]

- Hey, what's up, y'all? - Where you been, man?

- Oh, downstairs on the game. I'm in the championship.

If I win, I get some money for some new equipment.

- Wait, how are you playing the game with no power?

- I plugged it up to the neighbor's generator.

- Do they know? - Of course they know.

- We live in a white neighborhood.

I ain't trying to be that nigga.

- Why would you do that? Do it look like I need their help?

- I can't tell. It's too dark.

- Ha ha. You're stupid. [laughter]

- I'm serious. - My fault--they just offered.

- Well, you can offer it right back to 'em.

- Wait, you'd rather me lose on a competition

than to ask for help?

- That's not the point, Brandon.

- Yeah, and I mean, what about the rest of the family?

- Y'all don't play video games.

- Hey, look, we just moved here and y'all begging

these neighbors for help like I can't provide for my family.

Huh? We don't need nothing from them.

Y'all are so damn ungrateful.

- Wait, wait, wait. How did we get pulled into this?

- You know, I don't ever ask y'all for nothing, nothing.

I give, and I don't even get a thank-you.

- Thank you?

- Let's just play the game. - I'm done.

[sighs]

- Okay, um, I'm confused. What is he mad at again?

- All of us, but mainly you.

I'm gonna call Ashley.

- Dad isn't working, so I think it has him in a bad mood.

- Oh.

Man, I'm glad I ain't got no job.

I don't never want to be unemployed.

- So, here's the start paperwork

for your new position.

- Oh, thank you.

- Denise, guess who got a job. - Hey!

You got a job, I got a job.

That's two more jobs than Terry.

- Yes!

So where is it located?

- Uh, 1771 Melbourne. That's right near downtown.

- That might be a mistake.

I already offered Miss Ford that position.

- No, I already offered it to Mrs. Carson.

- Well, boogers. This is a dilemma.

- Not really.

I know once my big sister think about it and realize

how much I've done for her, she'd give me the job.

- Is that true, Miss Ford?

- That's a negative.

Um, I know that once my little sister thinks about it

and realizes that she has a whole husband at home

who's gonna get his job back any day now...

- Well, that haven't happened yet.

Plus, she didn't even want the job when she came down here.

- Well, that was before I knew I was qualified for anything.

- You still ain't qualified for shit,

and she gonna quit in training.

- I've only done that three times this year.

- Bitch, it's February.

- Oh, well, um, the employer does insist

that we give a series of tests to each applicant.

- Perfect. Whichever one does the best will get the job.

- So it's a contest?

Oh, she ain't never beat me at no contest.

- Shit, where the stairs at?

[knock at door] - Can I come in?

- You are already in.

- Um, Ashley's on the phone.

She wanted to talk to you.

- [sighs] - Hey, Pop.

- What you call Ashley for? - I thought--

- She was worried about you.

- Look, there ain't nothing to be worried about, all right?

I'm fine, all right? I just got a little frustrated.

- And where did that frustration come from?

- Don't you have a middle-aged white woman

you can go ask that question to?

- Not until 5:00.

And talking about your feelings is not reserved

for middle-aged white women.

- Thank you.

- So what's going on?

- [sighs] I'm not doing this. Here.

- Uh...

well, earlier he said he felt like all he ever does

is give and give,

but we never give anything back.

- Hmm. That sounds like it could be lonely.

- It is. I mean, especially after the furlough.

- Girl, how about we let Dad respond?

- Oh, girl, my bad.

Um...

- Daddy? - Yes.

- You feel alone? Can you talk to anybody?

- I can talk to Jesus, which is exactly why

I don't need whatever y'all trying to do.

- Jesus and therapy are not the same thing.

- Jesus don't come with a co-pay.

- He actually does. It's called tithes.

Let's be serious.

- She's right.

And from what I'm hearing,

it sounds like this could be depression.

- I'm not depressed, okay? My daddy was depressed.

I know what that look like.

- What does it look like, then? - Your mama's credit score.

[laughter] - That's funny.

- Okay. Okay. That was good.

But for real, Dad, you should at least consider therapy,

especially as a Black man.

Look, we've been conditioned for generations

not to talk about our emotions.

Black people were brought to this country against our will,

held as property,

and then not allowed to have thoughts or feelings.

We just had to keep our heads down, work, and pray.

That got passed down generation after generation.

But we don't have to be slaves anymore, Dad.

It's okay to feel.

- Look, Ashley, Janelle, I know y'all are trying to help out,

but I don't need to talk to anyone.

- Okay.

Well, that's our time.

Today's session will be 250--

- Daddy, she was just joking.

- We don't joke like that.

I'm okay.

I promise.

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh, so you still down to get a Monopoly beatdown

from your little princess?

- Oh, now you got smack to talk.

- Mm-hmm, yeah. - Here.

- What's that?

- You gonna need that for when I'm through with you.

Let's go. Come on, get going.

- Okay, the first task

is to open up a Google Doc and write your name.

- What the hell is a Google Doc?

- Oh, my God, you are so old.

It just takes a couple of clicks of the mouse,

a few keystrokes, and...

boom, done.

- Excellent!

- The bitch Googling Doc.

She cheat at every damn thing.

- No, only if it's related to government...or men.

- O-okay, ladies, close your computers.

Now, customer service is a key component

to almost every entry-level position.

Let's, um, role-play a few scenarios.

I'll decide the best response.

- I'm--I'm really good at role-playing.

Did you want that girl-on-girl experience or the sexy nun?

- Okay, well, why don't you go first?

I'm a little girl who's been separated from my mom.

[high-pitched voice] "Hi, I'm a little girl,

and I can't find my mom."

- This bitch can't be serious.

- Well, little girl, maybe it's for the best

'cause, you know, sometimes mommies ain't shit,

and yours is probably at the food court

giving away free samples.

- [normal voice] Okay.

Okay, uh, Mrs. Carson, same scenario.

[high-pitched voice] "Hi, I'm lost."

- What's your name? - Tyquamotrin.

- Okay, TT...

if you would've stayed still like your mama told you to,

you wouldn't be fucking lost and fucking up my lunch break.

Now sit your ass down

and don't move until I find your mama.

- That was intense

but very effective.

She engaged the child, got to know her,

and then made sure she stayed put until the mother along.

- So I won? - I'd say so!

- In your face, Denise! In your fucking face!

- You got lucky.

- So follow me.

The last test is to measure your ability to problem-solve

as well as your agility.

- I'm looking for a job,

not trying out for the Atlanta Falcons.

- You have 60 seconds to place the shapes

in the corresponding holes.

- Oh, you ain't said nothing but a word.

- And...go!

- My shapes ain't getting in there.

- Ten seconds down.

- She cheating! - I am not! You cheating!

- You are cheat--Get your ass over here to help me.

I got on a Spank. Come on!

Pick the shit up faster.

Can you hurry the fuck up, please?

- 20 seconds dow-- - Oh, hell, no!

[indistinct shouting] - Stop it.

Stop it!

[screaming] Stop it!

- Who the hell are you hollering at?

- What are you doing? both: Trying to win!

- I know damn well you ain't crying.

- Why do you have to do it like--like this?

- 'Cause she cheating, and she always damn cheating.

- Why should I play fair with somebody who has everything?

- What are you talking about?

- I'm tired of competing with you, Pat.

Why can't you just let me win something?

- Who said I'm competing with you?

- You got the kids, you got the husband,

you got the big house, and you're an artist.

Can't nobody else in the family say that?

- I'm a artist who can't even pay the bills.

- Well, money has nothing to do with passion.

I mean, isn't that what it's all about?

[laughs]

I almost had your ass with that bullshit I said right there.

That was some good--

I mean...

I want my thing, too, Pat.

I mean, sometimes I wonder why I even got clean

if there's nothing for me to look forward to.

And that's why I'm always quitting

'cause I'm hoping that my next job

will the thing that gives me some purpose.

- Sometimes finding your purpose is like stuttering.

You know what you want to say, but it don't come out clear.

But you get closer each time.

Just don't stutter another damn job, Denise.

- All right, sis.

- Sorry to disturb this sister-girl moment,

but I have the results.

- Look, just give my sister the job. She needs it.

- Aw, thank you but, no, give it to Pat-Pat.

She deserves it.

- Aw, That's so sweet and not helpful.

I might as well just read what I've got.

- Hold on, hold on.

Why didn't you disclose that you were both felons?

- [gasps]

- Who the fuck told you to check?

Ain't nobody ask you what you been doing,

playing with them cats and shit...

tight-sweater-ass nigga.

- That's my hotel. Pay up.

- It's okay because I am still winning.

- Mm-hmm. - Now, to be honest,

I'm surprised y'all still playing this with me.

- We don't want to.

I mean, we didn't want to at first,

but, uh... [chuckles]

We're pretty sure you don't always want to do

the stuff you do for us. - I don't.

But y'all do wonders on my tax returns.

- Pay up. Mm-hmm.

Thank you!

Dang, Daddy, after this,

you really ain't gonna have no money.

- Oh! Sh-- - Oh, my bad, Dad!

- I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. - Are you okay?

- I'm fine. I'm fine. - You sure?

'Cause, you don't seem like it.

- I wish everybody would stop fucking asking me that!

I'm fine!

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

- Well, at least we ain't got to play no more.

- What's going on? The kids called four times.

Hell, I thought these white folks

gonna turn them into strange fruit around here.

- I just lost it.

I felt that pressure well up, and I said "fuck" to the kids.

- That's it?

Fuck them kids.

- Never mind. I got to go to the bathroom.

- Terry, stop acting like you got to shit.

I'm your wife. You can't keep escaping me.

- That's exactly why I need to escape you.

- Move over. - [clicks tongue, sighs]

Look, I know we struggling.

- We're not struggling.

I just got to get that job back

so we don't have to dip into our savings.

- That's why I was trying to get a job,

so I can help you out.

- I already told you how I feel about that.

- You're right. I guess I got to make this comedy thing work.

- And it will.

- I sure hope so.

Now, what's going on with you?

- Well, I feel like I brought everybody out here

to the middle of nowhere for a job I ain't even got.

- You did.

But we know you got us.

And it's all right to let us have your back sometime.

All right?

- All right.

Ashley got me a number

to somebody out here I can talk to.

- I hope it's not a lesbian hotline.

- [laughing]

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Boy, don't you know how to knock?

- Pops, I got you something.

- Keys to your new apartment?

What is this?

- I won my first championship

That'll cover my rent for the next few years.

- Brandon, you can't even get a month with this.

But I appreciate the help.

- We appreciate you, too, Pops.

- What the hell? - Oh, oh, all right.

We doing that. Okay. Oh, come on.

- And you all right, too, Ma.

- Hey! Y'all can't be busting up in our room like that!

- Hey! Get the fuck off my bed! This shit weak!

- Whoa! The fucking light's on!

- Finally!

- See, I-I told Denise it wasn't me.

- Hey, where is Auntie anyway? - She got a new job.

- Another one? What is it this time?

- The easiest shit she could find.

- Enjoy your day.

You ain't gonna say it back?

[scoffs] Fuck you, too, then.

Wait, hey, where your receipt at?

I said where the fuck your receipt at?

[funk music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman, and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman with a husband and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪