All language subtitles for The.Ms.Pat.Show.S01E06.B.Im.Funny.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NPMS_track3_[eng]

- Have you ever heard
the phrase,

"Not all skin folks
are kin folks?"

There's two types
of Black people.

There's Harriet Tubman
and then there's Key Shadow.

Key Shadow is the bitch
who Harriet

had to pistol whoop
out of slavery.

And even though Key Shadow
thought Harriet was a fool,

Harriet stayed true
to who she was

and got both of them
to freedom.

And tonight's episode
is about how hard it is

to be Harriet on a plantation
full of Key Shadows.

And on a little foot note,
when they both got free,

Harriet whooped a wig off
that bitch.

[laughter and applause]

- So my history professor,
sweetest little old guy,

he looks at me closely
and he shakes his head

and he says, "William,

"where do you think
you're gonna get in life

if you bully, lie, cheat?"

"I don't know, sir,
the White House."

- Is William funny or what?
- Or what?

- That's true.
But he owns the comedy club.

If he hears me laughing,

he might give me a spot
on Saturday nights.

- Man, I'm glad I'm funny

so I don't have to
suck up or suck dicks.

- I don't suck up.

- You suck dicks?

- Okay, guys, I know that
I'm a tough act to follow,

but let's make our new act
feel welcome.

Straight outta Hotlanta,
give it up for Ms. Pat.

[cheering and applause]

- Hello. Y'all, give it up
for William K.

[applause]

- Never thought I'd see
a Black man

running a white club.

Go and give a sister
a Saturday night slot.

Hook a bitch up, William K.

Me and William K
up in this bitch.

Y'all ever been shot at
by your mama before?

Oh, just me.
Oh, okay.

My mom was
part-time handicapped, y'all.

She could only walk after she
cashed her disability check.

And she would come into the
room with her pistol, y'all,

because we wouldn't
move fast enough.

Be like,
"Pow pow, bitches,

didn't I tell y'all
to come turn that TV?"

And I'm sitting there
thinking like, we poor as hell.

Where she keep getting
all these bullets from?

You shouldn't have more bullets
than you do food.

You can laugh white people.

You feeling sorry for me,
you can write me a check.

But the first time
I got shot, y'all,

I was standing on the corner
running inventory through...

- Okay!

That took a dark turn.
Pun intended.

I'm sorry about those
Def Jam jokes, folks,

but let's give it up
for Ms. Pat, everybody.

[applause]

- ♪ Come on it's time to go

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

- So-so-so you telling me
y'all don't have anything?

Come on, man.

I didn't move my whole family
out here just to be furloughed.

- Man, killing people is fun.

I see why you and your
basement-dwelling friends

do it all day.

- Some of my friends actually
leave their basement

to go to these big tournaments.

They be making
mad money at those.

- Yeah, well, that's good,

because I'm sure they got
to feed their blow-up dolls.

- If your friends making money

from playing video games,

then what the hell you
doing down there?

- It is a process, Pops.
Okay?

But in the meantime,
don't trip,

'cause I got a job...
interview tomorrow.

And I set my alarm this time.

- Hey, superstar!

How'd that open-mic night go?

- You know my sis killed it.

- I want to kill
that punk-ass club owner.

- What happened?

- That Waldo-looking
motherfucker

treated me like straight trash.

- What'd he do?

- Ten seconds in, y'all,

he snatched
the mic out of my hand.

- Snatched?
And he still got an arm?

- Oh, we about to go beat
this nigga up.

Where's the Vaseline?

- Vaseline or gasoline?

- Both.
- Stop.

I'm serious, y'all.

I even tried to ask him
what was wrong with my set.

Do you know he ran off for me

like I was
the damn Ding-a-Ling Man.

- Man, forget that club, Mom.

You don't need
all that negative energy.

- I need a spot
like I had back in Atlanta

so I can work on my new
material and stay on my feet.

- Baby, you want me
to handle him for you?

- No, baby.

There's something prayer
warriors just can't fix.

- Prayer? You need to be
using them big-ass hands

to knock his teeth out.

- I hate to say it, Ma,
but maybe you are the problem.

- Is the basement squatter
trying to tell me

I'm the fucking problem?

- I'm just saying,
these days image is everything.

And important people
do have important agents

to do all the talking for them.

- Oh, thank you
for your advice, basement boy.

I'll just call up Bernie Mac
and Red Foxx's people.

I'm quite sure
they're available.

- We all can't be geniuses.
- Genius?

Coming from somebody
who think bears make honey.

- Then why else would they put
it in a bear-shaped bottle?

- I'm fine, y'all.
I'm just gonna go back tomorrow

and try to talk
to that Oreo T'challa.

- Baby, it's good
to finally see you

getting in touch
with your soft side.

- I want to beat the soft side
of his ass.

- That's what
I'm talking about.

Let me get the keys!

- Yeah, let's ride out!

- No, no, no, baby!
Now wait, wait, wait!

Now my baby is going to
kill him with kindness.

- Okay, well,
I had the same idea,

just minus the kindness part.

- Look, we ain't listening to
none of your ideas over there

looking like
a ghetto Cocker Spaniel.

Come on.
- I'm sorry.

We married.
It's hard to find a Black man.

- Oh, snap.

I just had a great idea.

This is where you ask me
what it is.

- Nope.
Do not tell me nothing,

because if I don't know
anything,

they can't make me testify.

- You ain't never lied.

- So-so-so how long
do you think

this is going to be
going on, huh?

Look, man, I can't afford
to not be working,

you know what I'm saying,
so...

- Cheese puffs?
- I gotta go.

- I didn't hear anything.

So when did you get fired?

- Oh. I didn't get fired, man.
I got furloughed.

- Oh, man, for how long?

- First they said one week,
now they talking about two.

So it could be a while, so...

- Dang.

So does Mom know
you got fired?

I mean furloughed?

- Your mom got enough problems
on her own.

Now you heard
what she said last night.

I just got to find
the right moment to tell her,

you know what I'm saying?

- You should tell her
right before

you go to bed
on Friday night.

- Why?
- Because Friday is a weekday.

She gonna be too tired
to argue.

But see, the next day
is Saturday.

You can cheer her up
with a lunch of free samples

down there
at Sam's Club, huh, huh?

Plus, she'll have the whole
weekend to get over it.

See, trial and error
taught me

that Friday nights
are the most considerate time

to disappoint women.

You're welcome, Pops.

- Brandon, please stop sniffing
whatever it is you sniffing.

And promise me that you gonna
keep your mouth shut, okay?

- So this is a secret?

- Yeah.
- Uh-uh.

- Between us men.
I trust you.

- Why?
I don't even trust me.

You know in the Bible
where it says,

"Loose lips sink ships?"
That's me!

Man, I'm looser than a white
girl at the NBA draft.

- Brandon, calm down!
You got this!

- That's what Aunt Denise said

right before them cops
offered me a Fruit Roll-Up.

I told them that she
was hiding underneath the car.

- Look, man,
you're a grown-ass man.

Okay? You can do this.
I know you can.

- All right, Terry.
You said it, I can do this.

- Mm.

Grown-man business.

- I got you,
grown-man business.

[alarm blares]

- What's that alarm for?

- It's my job interview.

- All right, grown man!

Ha ha!
When is it?

- Now.

- What you waiting for, boy?

- A ride.

- That's a damn shame.

Come on, move it, boy.

Your left! Your left!
Your left, right...

- I need you to put more water
in the tequila bottles, okay?

- Can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Well, I've already seen what
you've done with a minute.

I need to get back
to running this comedy club.

- What was wrong my set
last night?

I did a spot in the small
room, and I killed it.

- That's the B Room.
I don't go in there.

Main stage is different.

- Okay, sir,
I'm gonna need you

not to stand
so close to my client.

- What the hell are you doing?

- And who might you be?

- Well, I might be Pat's agent,
Denise Ford,

with the Ford and Ford Agency
of Fords.

- William K, Club Manager,
pleasure.

And if you don't mind...
- Oh, but I do.

Yes, I heard that you wouldn't
let my star client

finish her set last night.

- Star client?
Hmm.

And how many
of those do you have?

- Just her
because she's a star,

but I'm here to talk to you.

Now I'm willing to forgive
that little mistake

that you made last night
under a few conditions.

- Oh, she got conditions.
Okay, okay, hit me up.

- Well, first of all...

Okay, we're gonna need you
to paint the green room

a Waffle-House yellow,

because she needs to decompress
when she gets off stage.

And then in the room--
is there a reason

that you're not writing
this down?

Oh, okay.

Well, we need the temperature
set at 67.8 degrees.

That's a shout out
to the "A."

And then Pat likes to snack
on green seedless,

pre-peeled grapes.

And she only likes to drink on
room-temperature hot chocolate.

- You mean a Yoo-Hoo?

- No, nigga.

Yoo-Hoo heard
what the hell I said.

- And will your star client
need the private jet

to come and pick her up too?

- Oh, well, shit!

You know, I mean,
if she ain't got to put in

on the gas, I'm 'bout it.

- This was an adorable
little skit.

- Look, I had nothing to do
with this.

Excuse my sister.

You can see she suffers
from bicolor hair disorder.

- Listen, I admire
your ambition,

but there are no shortcuts
at this club, Patricia.

- I know that better than
anybody you book up in here.

- Then you should know we don't
have urban nights here.

- What's that
supposed to mean?

- The coon chip
has been activated.

- Your act is not congruent
with our clientele.

- I'm confused.
- Okay.

Let me know if you can
understand this.

Look, nigga...
- Oh, okay.

- Your shit is too ghetto for
my damn club, how about that?

- I'm 'bout to beat
your Uncle Tom ass.

- Hey, don't make me
call security!

- Don't you talk to my damn
sister like that.

- Now I ain't gonna never get
no date at the club now.

You done beat
the nigga with your hair.

- Shit.

- [sighs]

- You want to talk about it?

- No.

[sighs]

- Daddy, Mama needs to talk
to you about her problems!

- You could talk to me, Ma.
What's up?

- That dude is still
being an asshole.

He won't even
give me a chance.

- You see, white men
are constantly forcing us

to prove ourselves in spite
of our obvious talent

just so they could
assert their dominance.

It's so sick.

- Baby, he's Black.

- What?

The coon chip
has been activated.

- Hey, wait, isn't it
a good thing that he's Black?

- How is that
a good thing, Junebug?

- 'Cause if he's not a racist,
then that just means

Ma ain't funny.

- Or maybe he's a misogynist.

- Or that just means
Ma ain't funny.

No offense, Ma.

- Well, did he explain
what his problem is?

- Yeah, he said my act wasn't
contusion for his audience.

- What?
- She meant congruent.

- You understood that?

- Oh, yeah.
I'm fluent in Mom's language.

I call it Patois.

Get it?
Pa-tois?

- You think you got jo-okes?

- Do you?

- Crusty-ass manager
said I was too ghetto

to work at his club.

- Well, I mean...

- Well, you with me
or you don't eat.

- We are with you, Ma.

But okay, well, what are you
always telling me

is the most important thing
to remember in life?

- Keep wiping your ass
till you don't see nothing?

- No, not that one.

Pay attention to your audience.

You know, this is different
than Atlanta,

so maybe you just need
to write the right jokes.

- More like the white jokes.

- Brandon.

- I don't know
nothing about nothing.

- Can you be normal
for five damn minutes, please?

- Okay, look, I really want
to tell you, Ma,

but I promised
to keep my mouth shut.

- What the hell
are you talking about?

- Well...
- I don't even care.

Look, you corny.

Write me some jokes
that people like you laugh at.

- Well, I laugh at your jokes.
You calling yourself corny?

- I'm universally funny.
Everybody laugh at me.

- Everybody except
that manager.

- What's so funny?

- Junebug here being
a shitty-ass son.

- Why don't y'all give me
your mom a minute, huh?

- Hey, grown-man business.

- Listen, baby.
I got to tell you something.

- Terry, don't try to give me
no more advice, please.

Just let me
be pissed off, okay?

- Okay.

- You my husband, you supposed
to make me feel better

even when I tell you not to.

- See that, you
the funniest person I know.

I don't get why
you're doubting yourself.

- I'm not doubting myself.

- Yeah, that's what it sounds
like to me,

all because
of what one man said.

- It's not what he said, Terry.
It's how he made me feel.

Hell, I do jokes
about my life.

He act like my truth
don't matter.

- Well, I won't give you any
advice since you asked me to.

- Thank you.

- But I will say
that I know my wife.

So I know you're gonna do
whatever it takes

to get what you want.

That's how you got me.

- Man, you got a job
and good credit.

[phone buzzes]

- You gonna get that?

- Oh, it's just Elizabeth
trying to remind me

of the PTO meeting tomorrow.

- Look at you, you went
from community service

to serving the community.

- Brandon.
- Hm?

- What are you doing?

- Okay, fine, you win.
I'll spill it.

Terry just got laid off and
he's too scared to tell Mama.

Whoo! I'm glad
I got that off my chest.

- Oh, my God.

Does that mean
I have to eat free lunch?

- Hey, y'all got
to promise me

that you're not going
to tell Mama or Denise.

- Promise not to tell
Denise what?

- Brandon, you better tell me
what it is

you're not supposed
to tell me

or I'm gonna burn
the shit out of you.

- That Terry got laid off.

- Oh, Brandon, seriously!
- Oh, please.

You were going to post it
on your TikTok anyway.

Man, you didn't even get
a Fruit Roll-Up this time.

You know, I never thought
I'd see the day

where I had a job
and Terry don't.

- What's the job,
being Wendy Williams?

- No, they got a bitch
spinning signs

outside of Liberty Chicken.

But, listen, I don't like
this secret, y'all.

I think we gotta tell Pat.

all: No!

- Yes, we do.
Pat deserves to know that

Terry done got laid off
up in here.

I mean, it's just--you guys
can't be telling secrets

about your Mama--
[mutters indistinctly]

I said respect Terry, okay,

in this man's house
and let him tell Pat

when the time
is right for him.

- Damn it.

- Grown-man business, huh?
- What?

I told you,
I'm not good with big secrets.

I mean, that's why I had
to stop using your clippers

to shave my pubes.

- Get out of my face.

- Okay, guys, so we need
one more volunteer

for the sock hop next week.
Pam, can I count on you?

Pam?

So that's a yes.
Thank you, Pam.

Okay, well, thanks, you guys.
Meeting adjourned.

And feel free to help yourself
to the delish refreshments

provided by Principal Horner.
Yum-yum.

- What's up, Steel Magnolia.
Did Shelby die yet?

- Hi, Pat.

Well, you just missed
the entire meeting.

- That mean I was
right on time.

Sorry, I was late, y'all.

I was getting ready
for my show tonight.

- Oh.
- Ooh, who made the cupcakes?

- I did!

- You look like
you make cupcakes.

Oh, these things will
give you government hips.

- What does that even mean?

- Oh, it's just
a more colorful way of saying

that the food was slamming.

- And slamming is
a more colorful way

of saying it was good.

- All right,
Laverne and Shirley.

I see y'all been using
your Ro-negro Stone.

- Yes, that's how you close
the racial divide

by listening to each
other's experiences, right?

- Since I know that, I'm gonna
stop ignoring your phone call

like you my baby daddy.

- Oh.

- I love when white women laugh
at the word baby daddy

like y'all
don't have one.

- I don't have one.
I co-parent.

- Girl, a co-parent
ain't nothing

but a baby daddy
who came to court.

- What do you call
a baby mama?

- A saint.
- Yeah.

- And don't say it again
'cause I don't like

how it come
out of your mouth.

Sound like Sandra Bullock
in "The Blind Side."

- You're hysterical!

- I haven't laughed
this hard since...

- Your last threesome?

- Um, hey, Pat,

so Pam, Martha, and I are
about to grab some appletinis,

and you should join us.

- As much as I would like
to join y'all unhappy hour,

I gotta go home
and get ready for my set.

- Oh.
[mouths words]

- You know what?

Since y'all about to drink
and turn your cars

into weapons anyway,

y'all should come
to my comedy show tonight.

- Oh, that could be fun.

- I really should go home
and feed my children,

but as you would say,
fuck them kids.

- So it's settled.

Parents night out
at Pat's show. Ah!

- Don't do it again, bitch.
I've been shot.

- Hey, Denise, when is
Andrew Dice Clay gonna go up?

- I thought that was
Andrew Dice Clay.

- Oh, no.
He's not nearly as sexy.

I love a man who reminds me
of John Travolta from "Grease."

Actually he might have been
sexier in "Hairspray."

- Patricia.

Back again, I see.

- Ain't no quit in me.

- There isn't any--

never mind.

Oops.

It looks like we're all out
of time for tonight.

Oh, shucks. Maybe you
can try again next week.

- Come on, William K,
why you keep doing this to me?

Just give me a chance.

- It's not personal.
I just do not like your humor.

- Speaking of humor,
I've had pap smears

that was funnier than you.

- Hm.

- But if I was a club owner,

I wouldn't try
to shut you down.

Don't we have enough problems

without us
getting in each other's way?

- Fine.
I'll think about it.

- You know what I think,

I think you're intimidated
by people who funnier than you,

especially when
they look like you.

- Hmm, and what is that
supposed to mean?

- I mean, bitch, I'm funny.

And I'm tired of your crab
in the barrel bullshit.

- Maybe I'm on that bullshit
because crabs

are never meant
to be in a barrel.

[applause]

- That was our last comic
of the evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

[yelling and chanting]
I wanna thank you all--

- We want Pat!

- We want Pat!

all: We want Pat!
- Pat!

all: We want Pat!
- Pat!

all: We want Pat!
- Pat!

all: We want Pat!
- Pat!

all: We want Pat!

- This isn't my cup of tea,

but bringing to the stage

the last comic of the night,

Ms. Pat.

[cheering and applause]

- That's my sister!

- There she is!

- So I went to a coffee shop
and I asked for a small.

The lady said,
"Do you want a tall?"

I'm like, "No, lady,
I want a small."

- That's all right, baby.

- Don't women be
shopping?

Things that make you go ooh.

Shucky ducky, quack, quack?

- More like shucky ducky,
whack, whack.

Am I right?
Give it up.

Ooh.

- You know, what fuck
these this cat joke.

Don't William K.
look like he fuck white bitches

so he can have
a place to live?

- He can live with me!

- So I've been married
for 20 years, y'all.

And when you've been married
a long time,

the bedroom
could get boring as hell.

My husband do the same damn sex
move once a month,

on top with the sheet
on top of his head.

I'm like, who the fuck
are you, a Klansman?

Sometimes I just lift
the sheet and say,

"Faster, master, faster."

Fuck is y'all white people
oohing for?

Y'all make the Klansman
laugh at this shit.

He don't like me to talk
in the bedroom either, ladies.

He say I got a deep voice,
and I sound like his daddy.

So I just wait
till he stick it in,

I'm like, "Tear that pussy up."

Goddamn it, I'm a comedian!

[applause]

- Amazing.
- Thank you.

- You killed it.
It was so good.

- Thank you, I appreciate it.
- That was really funny.

- Thank you, I appreciate it.
Make sure my baby pass.

- Well, Patricia, I gotta say
I'm still not a fan,

but apparently you have a few.

- Thank you.

- I don't want you doing
open mic night anymore.

- What the fuck?

- Because I want to give you
a slot on Saturday night.

- Ooh.

For real?

- I'm serious, Patricia.

I heard what you meant earlier

and not to mention
you were undeniable tonight.

- You're damn right.

- But you got to keep
filling up these seats

with at least
ten paying people.

If not,
it's back to open mic.

Deal, Ms. Pat?

- Deal.

And when I bring ten people,

I want my room-temperature
hot chocolate.

- You mean, a Yoo-hoo.

- Yeah.

- Oh, don't bring that nigga
to my house.

- What was that all about?

- What you mean?

- Psst, that was too good.

You only get sex that good
when a nigga is unemployed.

- Pat, that's what I've been

meaning to kind of
talk to you about.

- What?

- I got furloughed.

- Ha.

Man, stop trying to be funny.
Go turn that light off, Terry.

Let's go to bed.

- Nah, baby, really.

I'm sorry.

- That was really
some unemployed dick?

You mean to tell me
the only person

that got a job in this house
is damn Statue of Liberty?

Man, I feel like I'm in
an episode of--

- ♪ "Good Times"

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ "Good Times"

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ With family and kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's the best part
that shows ♪