Original subtitles

- Have you ever heard the phrase,

"Not all skin folks are kin folks?"

There's two types of Black people.

There's Harriet Tubman and then there's Key Shadow.

Key Shadow is the bitch who Harriet

had to pistol whoop out of slavery.

And even though Key Shadow thought Harriet was a fool,

Harriet stayed true to who she was

and got both of them to freedom.

And tonight's episode is about how hard it is

to be Harriet on a plantation full of Key Shadows.

And on a little foot note, when they both got free,

Harriet whooped a wig off that bitch.

[laughter and applause]

- So my history professor, sweetest little old guy,

he looks at me closely and he shakes his head

and he says, "William,

"where do you think you're gonna get in life

if you bully, lie, cheat?"

"I don't know, sir, the White House."

- Is William funny or what? - Or what?

- That's true. But he owns the comedy club.

If he hears me laughing,

he might give me a spot on Saturday nights.

- Man, I'm glad I'm funny

so I don't have to suck up or suck dicks.

- I don't suck up.

- You suck dicks?

- Okay, guys, I know that I'm a tough act to follow,

but let's make our new act feel welcome.

Straight outta Hotlanta, give it up for Ms. Pat.

[cheering and applause]

- Hello. Y'all, give it up for William K.

[applause]

- Never thought I'd see a Black man

running a white club.

Go and give a sister a Saturday night slot.

Hook a bitch up, William K.

Me and William K up in this bitch.

Y'all ever been shot at by your mama before?

Oh, just me. Oh, okay.

My mom was part-time handicapped, y'all.

She could only walk after she cashed her disability check.

And she would come into the room with her pistol, y'all,

because we wouldn't move fast enough.

Be like, "Pow pow, bitches,

didn't I tell y'all to come turn that TV?"

And I'm sitting there thinking like, we poor as hell.

Where she keep getting all these bullets from?

You shouldn't have more bullets than you do food.

You can laugh white people.

You feeling sorry for me, you can write me a check.

But the first time I got shot, y'all,

I was standing on the corner running inventory through...

- Okay!

That took a dark turn. Pun intended.

I'm sorry about those Def Jam jokes, folks,

but let's give it up for Ms. Pat, everybody.

[applause]

- ♪ Come on it's time to go

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

- So-so-so you telling me y'all don't have anything?

Come on, man.

I didn't move my whole family out here just to be furloughed.

- Man, killing people is fun.

I see why you and your basement-dwelling friends

do it all day.

- Some of my friends actually leave their basement

to go to these big tournaments.

They be making mad money at those.

- Yeah, well, that's good,

because I'm sure they got to feed their blow-up dolls.

- If your friends making money

from playing video games,

then what the hell you doing down there?

- It is a process, Pops. Okay?

But in the meantime, don't trip,

'cause I got a job... interview tomorrow.

And I set my alarm this time.

- Hey, superstar!

How'd that open-mic night go?

- You know my sis killed it.

- I want to kill that punk-ass club owner.

- What happened?

- That Waldo-looking motherfucker

treated me like straight trash.

- What'd he do?

- Ten seconds in, y'all,

he snatched the mic out of my hand.

- Snatched? And he still got an arm?

- Oh, we about to go beat this nigga up.

Where's the Vaseline?

- Vaseline or gasoline?

- Both. - Stop.

I'm serious, y'all.

I even tried to ask him what was wrong with my set.

Do you know he ran off for me

like I was the damn Ding-a-Ling Man.

- Man, forget that club, Mom.

You don't need all that negative energy.

- I need a spot like I had back in Atlanta

so I can work on my new material and stay on my feet.

- Baby, you want me to handle him for you?

- No, baby.

There's something prayer warriors just can't fix.

- Prayer? You need to be using them big-ass hands

to knock his teeth out.

- I hate to say it, Ma, but maybe you are the problem.

- Is the basement squatter trying to tell me

I'm the fucking problem?

- I'm just saying, these days image is everything.

And important people do have important agents

to do all the talking for them.

- Oh, thank you for your advice, basement boy.

I'll just call up Bernie Mac and Red Foxx's people.

I'm quite sure they're available.

- We all can't be geniuses. - Genius?

Coming from somebody who think bears make honey.

- Then why else would they put it in a bear-shaped bottle?

- I'm fine, y'all. I'm just gonna go back tomorrow

and try to talk to that Oreo T'challa.

- Baby, it's good to finally see you

getting in touch with your soft side.

- I want to beat the soft side of his ass.

- That's what I'm talking about.

Let me get the keys!

- Yeah, let's ride out!

- No, no, no, baby! Now wait, wait, wait!

Now my baby is going to kill him with kindness.

- Okay, well, I had the same idea,

just minus the kindness part.

- Look, we ain't listening to none of your ideas over there

looking like a ghetto Cocker Spaniel.

Come on. - I'm sorry.

We married. It's hard to find a Black man.

- Oh, snap.

I just had a great idea.

This is where you ask me what it is.

- Nope. Do not tell me nothing,

because if I don't know anything,

they can't make me testify.

- You ain't never lied.

- So-so-so how long do you think

this is going to be going on, huh?

Look, man, I can't afford to not be working,

you know what I'm saying, so...

- Cheese puffs? - I gotta go.

- I didn't hear anything.

So when did you get fired?

- Oh. I didn't get fired, man. I got furloughed.

- Oh, man, for how long?

- First they said one week, now they talking about two.

So it could be a while, so...

- Dang.

So does Mom know you got fired?

I mean furloughed?

- Your mom got enough problems on her own.

Now you heard what she said last night.

I just got to find the right moment to tell her,

you know what I'm saying?

- You should tell her right before

you go to bed on Friday night.

- Why? - Because Friday is a weekday.

She gonna be too tired to argue.

But see, the next day is Saturday.

You can cheer her up with a lunch of free samples

down there at Sam's Club, huh, huh?

Plus, she'll have the whole weekend to get over it.

See, trial and error taught me

that Friday nights are the most considerate time

to disappoint women.

You're welcome, Pops.

- Brandon, please stop sniffing whatever it is you sniffing.

And promise me that you gonna keep your mouth shut, okay?

- So this is a secret?

- Yeah. - Uh-uh.

- Between us men. I trust you.

- Why? I don't even trust me.

You know in the Bible where it says,

"Loose lips sink ships?" That's me!

Man, I'm looser than a white girl at the NBA draft.

- Brandon, calm down! You got this!

- That's what Aunt Denise said

right before them cops offered me a Fruit Roll-Up.

I told them that she was hiding underneath the car.

- Look, man, you're a grown-ass man.

Okay? You can do this. I know you can.

- All right, Terry. You said it, I can do this.

- Mm.

Grown-man business.

- I got you, grown-man business.

[alarm blares]

- What's that alarm for?

- It's my job interview.

- All right, grown man!

Ha ha! When is it?

- Now.

- What you waiting for, boy?

- A ride.

- That's a damn shame.

Come on, move it, boy.

Your left! Your left! Your left, right...

- I need you to put more water in the tequila bottles, okay?

- Can I talk to you for a minute?

- Well, I've already seen what you've done with a minute.

I need to get back to running this comedy club.

- What was wrong my set last night?

I did a spot in the small room, and I killed it.

- That's the B Room. I don't go in there.

Main stage is different.

- Okay, sir, I'm gonna need you

not to stand so close to my client.

- What the hell are you doing?

- And who might you be?

- Well, I might be Pat's agent, Denise Ford,

with the Ford and Ford Agency of Fords.

- William K, Club Manager, pleasure.

And if you don't mind... - Oh, but I do.

Yes, I heard that you wouldn't let my star client

finish her set last night.

- Star client? Hmm.

And how many of those do you have?

- Just her because she's a star,

but I'm here to talk to you.

Now I'm willing to forgive that little mistake

that you made last night under a few conditions.

- Oh, she got conditions. Okay, okay, hit me up.

- Well, first of all...

Okay, we're gonna need you to paint the green room

a Waffle-House yellow,

because she needs to decompress when she gets off stage.

And then in the room-- is there a reason

that you're not writing this down?

Oh, okay.

Well, we need the temperature set at 67.8 degrees.

That's a shout out to the "A."

And then Pat likes to snack on green seedless,

pre-peeled grapes.

And she only likes to drink on room-temperature hot chocolate.

- You mean a Yoo-Hoo?

- No, nigga.

Yoo-Hoo heard what the hell I said.

- And will your star client need the private jet

to come and pick her up too?

- Oh, well, shit!

You know, I mean, if she ain't got to put in

on the gas, I'm 'bout it.

- This was an adorable little skit.

- Look, I had nothing to do with this.

Excuse my sister.

You can see she suffers from bicolor hair disorder.

- Listen, I admire your ambition,

but there are no shortcuts at this club, Patricia.

- I know that better than anybody you book up in here.

- Then you should know we don't have urban nights here.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- The coon chip has been activated.

- Your act is not congruent with our clientele.

- I'm confused. - Okay.

Let me know if you can understand this.

Look, nigga... - Oh, okay.

- Your shit is too ghetto for my damn club, how about that?

- I'm 'bout to beat your Uncle Tom ass.

- Hey, don't make me call security!

- Don't you talk to my damn sister like that.

- Now I ain't gonna never get no date at the club now.

You done beat the nigga with your hair.

- Shit.

- [sighs]

- You want to talk about it?

- No.

[sighs]

- Daddy, Mama needs to talk to you about her problems!

- You could talk to me, Ma. What's up?

- That dude is still being an asshole.

He won't even give me a chance.

- You see, white men are constantly forcing us

to prove ourselves in spite of our obvious talent

just so they could assert their dominance.

It's so sick.

- Baby, he's Black.

- What?

The coon chip has been activated.

- Hey, wait, isn't it a good thing that he's Black?

- How is that a good thing, Junebug?

- 'Cause if he's not a racist, then that just means

Ma ain't funny.

- Or maybe he's a misogynist.

- Or that just means Ma ain't funny.

No offense, Ma.

- Well, did he explain what his problem is?

- Yeah, he said my act wasn't contusion for his audience.

- What? - She meant congruent.

- You understood that?

- Oh, yeah. I'm fluent in Mom's language.

I call it Patois.

Get it? Pa-tois?

- You think you got jo-okes?

- Do you?

- Crusty-ass manager said I was too ghetto

to work at his club.

- Well, I mean...

- Well, you with me or you don't eat.

- We are with you, Ma.

But okay, well, what are you always telling me

is the most important thing to remember in life?

- Keep wiping your ass till you don't see nothing?

- No, not that one.

Pay attention to your audience.

You know, this is different than Atlanta,

so maybe you just need to write the right jokes.

- More like the white jokes.

- Brandon.

- I don't know nothing about nothing.

- Can you be normal for five damn minutes, please?

- Okay, look, I really want to tell you, Ma,

but I promised to keep my mouth shut.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Well... - I don't even care.

Look, you corny.

Write me some jokes that people like you laugh at.

- Well, I laugh at your jokes. You calling yourself corny?

- I'm universally funny. Everybody laugh at me.

- Everybody except that manager.

- What's so funny?

- Junebug here being a shitty-ass son.

- Why don't y'all give me your mom a minute, huh?

- Hey, grown-man business.

- Listen, baby. I got to tell you something.

- Terry, don't try to give me no more advice, please.

Just let me be pissed off, okay?

- Okay.

- You my husband, you supposed to make me feel better

even when I tell you not to.

- See that, you the funniest person I know.

I don't get why you're doubting yourself.

- I'm not doubting myself.

- Yeah, that's what it sounds like to me,

all because of what one man said.

- It's not what he said, Terry. It's how he made me feel.

Hell, I do jokes about my life.

He act like my truth don't matter.

- Well, I won't give you any advice since you asked me to.

- Thank you.

- But I will say that I know my wife.

So I know you're gonna do whatever it takes

to get what you want.

That's how you got me.

- Man, you got a job and good credit.

[phone buzzes]

- You gonna get that?

- Oh, it's just Elizabeth trying to remind me

of the PTO meeting tomorrow.

- Look at you, you went from community service

to serving the community.

- Brandon. - Hm?

- What are you doing?

- Okay, fine, you win. I'll spill it.

Terry just got laid off and he's too scared to tell Mama.

Whoo! I'm glad I got that off my chest.

- Oh, my God.

Does that mean I have to eat free lunch?

- Hey, y'all got to promise me

that you're not going to tell Mama or Denise.

- Promise not to tell Denise what?

- Brandon, you better tell me what it is

you're not supposed to tell me

or I'm gonna burn the shit out of you.

- That Terry got laid off.

- Oh, Brandon, seriously! - Oh, please.

You were going to post it on your TikTok anyway.

Man, you didn't even get a Fruit Roll-Up this time.

You know, I never thought I'd see the day

where I had a job and Terry don't.

- What's the job, being Wendy Williams?

- No, they got a bitch spinning signs

outside of Liberty Chicken.

But, listen, I don't like this secret, y'all.

I think we gotta tell Pat.

all: No!

- Yes, we do. Pat deserves to know that

Terry done got laid off up in here.

I mean, it's just--you guys can't be telling secrets

about your Mama-- [mutters indistinctly]

I said respect Terry, okay,

in this man's house and let him tell Pat

when the time is right for him.

- Damn it.

- Grown-man business, huh? - What?

I told you, I'm not good with big secrets.

I mean, that's why I had to stop using your clippers

to shave my pubes.

- Get out of my face.

- Okay, guys, so we need one more volunteer

for the sock hop next week. Pam, can I count on you?

Pam?

So that's a yes. Thank you, Pam.

Okay, well, thanks, you guys. Meeting adjourned.

And feel free to help yourself to the delish refreshments

provided by Principal Horner. Yum-yum.

- What's up, Steel Magnolia. Did Shelby die yet?

- Hi, Pat.

Well, you just missed the entire meeting.

- That mean I was right on time.

Sorry, I was late, y'all.

I was getting ready for my show tonight.

- Oh. - Ooh, who made the cupcakes?

- I did!

- You look like you make cupcakes.

Oh, these things will give you government hips.

- What does that even mean?

- Oh, it's just a more colorful way of saying

that the food was slamming.

- And slamming is a more colorful way

of saying it was good.

- All right, Laverne and Shirley.

I see y'all been using your Ro-negro Stone.

- Yes, that's how you close the racial divide

by listening to each other's experiences, right?

- Since I know that, I'm gonna stop ignoring your phone call

like you my baby daddy.

- Oh.

- I love when white women laugh at the word baby daddy

like y'all don't have one.

- I don't have one. I co-parent.

- Girl, a co-parent ain't nothing

but a baby daddy who came to court.

- What do you call a baby mama?

- A saint. - Yeah.

- And don't say it again 'cause I don't like

how it come out of your mouth.

Sound like Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side."

- You're hysterical!

- I haven't laughed this hard since...

- Your last threesome?

- Um, hey, Pat,

so Pam, Martha, and I are about to grab some appletinis,

and you should join us.

- As much as I would like to join y'all unhappy hour,

I gotta go home and get ready for my set.

- Oh. [mouths words]

- You know what?

Since y'all about to drink and turn your cars

into weapons anyway,

y'all should come to my comedy show tonight.

- Oh, that could be fun.

- I really should go home and feed my children,

but as you would say, fuck them kids.

- So it's settled.

Parents night out at Pat's show. Ah!

- Don't do it again, bitch. I've been shot.

- Hey, Denise, when is Andrew Dice Clay gonna go up?

- I thought that was Andrew Dice Clay.

- Oh, no. He's not nearly as sexy.

I love a man who reminds me of John Travolta from "Grease."

Actually he might have been sexier in "Hairspray."

- Patricia.

Back again, I see.

- Ain't no quit in me.

- There isn't any--

never mind.

Oops.

It looks like we're all out of time for tonight.

Oh, shucks. Maybe you can try again next week.

- Come on, William K, why you keep doing this to me?

Just give me a chance.

- It's not personal. I just do not like your humor.

- Speaking of humor, I've had pap smears

that was funnier than you.

- Hm.

- But if I was a club owner,

I wouldn't try to shut you down.

Don't we have enough problems

without us getting in each other's way?

- Fine. I'll think about it.

- You know what I think,

I think you're intimidated by people who funnier than you,

especially when they look like you.

- Hmm, and what is that supposed to mean?

- I mean, bitch, I'm funny.

And I'm tired of your crab in the barrel bullshit.

- Maybe I'm on that bullshit because crabs

are never meant to be in a barrel.

[applause]

- That was our last comic of the evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

[yelling and chanting] I wanna thank you all--

- We want Pat!

- We want Pat!

all: We want Pat! - Pat!

all: We want Pat! - Pat!

all: We want Pat! - Pat!

all: We want Pat! - Pat!

all: We want Pat!

- This isn't my cup of tea,

but bringing to the stage

the last comic of the night,

Ms. Pat.

[cheering and applause]

- That's my sister!

- There she is!

- So I went to a coffee shop and I asked for a small.

The lady said, "Do you want a tall?"

I'm like, "No, lady, I want a small."

- That's all right, baby.

- Don't women be shopping?

Things that make you go ooh.

Shucky ducky, quack, quack?

- More like shucky ducky, whack, whack.

Am I right? Give it up.

Ooh.

- You know, what fuck these this cat joke.

Don't William K. look like he fuck white bitches

so he can have a place to live?

- He can live with me!

- So I've been married for 20 years, y'all.

And when you've been married a long time,

the bedroom could get boring as hell.

My husband do the same damn sex move once a month,

on top with the sheet on top of his head.

I'm like, who the fuck are you, a Klansman?

Sometimes I just lift the sheet and say,

"Faster, master, faster."

Fuck is y'all white people oohing for?

Y'all make the Klansman laugh at this shit.

He don't like me to talk in the bedroom either, ladies.

He say I got a deep voice, and I sound like his daddy.

So I just wait till he stick it in,

I'm like, "Tear that pussy up."

Goddamn it, I'm a comedian!

[applause]

- Amazing. - Thank you.

- You killed it. It was so good.

- Thank you, I appreciate it. - That was really funny.

- Thank you, I appreciate it. Make sure my baby pass.

- Well, Patricia, I gotta say I'm still not a fan,

but apparently you have a few.

- Thank you.

- I don't want you doing open mic night anymore.

- What the fuck?

- Because I want to give you a slot on Saturday night.

- Ooh.

For real?

- I'm serious, Patricia.

I heard what you meant earlier

and not to mention you were undeniable tonight.

- You're damn right.

- But you got to keep filling up these seats

with at least ten paying people.

If not, it's back to open mic.

Deal, Ms. Pat?

- Deal.

And when I bring ten people,

I want my room-temperature hot chocolate.

- You mean, a Yoo-hoo.

- Yeah.

- Oh, don't bring that nigga to my house.

- What was that all about?

- What you mean?

- Psst, that was too good.

You only get sex that good when a nigga is unemployed.

- Pat, that's what I've been

meaning to kind of talk to you about.

- What?

- I got furloughed.

- Ha.

Man, stop trying to be funny. Go turn that light off, Terry.

Let's go to bed.

- Nah, baby, really.

I'm sorry.

- That was really some unemployed dick?

You mean to tell me the only person

that got a job in this house is damn Statue of Liberty?

Man, I feel like I'm in an episode of--

- ♪ "Good Times"

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ "Good Times"

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ With family and kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's the best part that shows ♪