Original subtitles

- Isn't it funny how kids never turn out

the way you want them to?

Like my son here, Brandon.

I wouldn't call him dumb,

but if he was in a spelling test against a rock,

child, I'd put my damn money on that rock.

And then this one right here is my favorite, Junebug.

And don't lie, parents, we all got a favorite kid,

and I don't even know why he's my favorite.

Don't nobody like him but me.

And then we have Janelle--

you know, that smartass kid that you would like

to fuck up some time, always screaming about equality?

I'm like, "Girl, with all the shit you be talking,

you better be the next Rosa Angelou Obama."

Sometimes kids let us down

the same way we let our parents down,

and I don't know where they'll be at in the next ten years.

But one thing I can tell you,

they're going to be the fuck up out of my house.

- Hey, y'all.

- We need your help. [door closes]

So I got these numbers for the banner,

and I was gonna put mom's age up,

but none of us know how old she is.

- Oh, well, just put her weight up there.

- So that number would be...

- Uh-uh, she trying to get us killed. Don't do that.

- Well, isn't she, like, three years younger than you?

- Allegedly. - Wait, so how old are you?

- Grown.

- That doesn't help. - Mm-hmm.

Well, put up a number in the 40s.

- You know, it's low-key sad we don't know her age.

- I didn't even know it was her birthday.

- Yeah, I only know 'cause I used her license

when mine was suspended.

- Hey, y'all.

Ashley's on her way.

- Yes, finally a sibling with some sense.

- Well, two out of four ain't bad.

Does Pat know Ashley's coming?

- No, not yet, Denise.

And y'all got to get these decorations up

before your mama come down, now, come on.

- Okay, we're almost done. - All right.

Denise, did you get all the ingredients from the store?

- Now, you know it's all in there,

'cause I know you about to throw down tonight.

- Yeah, I got to cook up something special for my baby.

- Yeah, well, you do know your baby

don't give a damn about birthdays.

- I made sure I got something good this time.

- Hey, I got her something special, too.

Your boy finally got a job.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Oh, okay, okay, okay. - Congrats, son.

- Yeah, you need some pee? 'Cause I got you.

- Why don't you use your pee to get your own job?

- But we can't give Pat the same thing--that's tacky.

- Yeah, kind of like the time you got her those workout DVDs.

- Oh, my God. - What? What? What?

Pat said that she wanted to look like she did

before she had kids.

- Nigga, she was 13.

- ♪ Let's go, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm looking for Terry's gift. - Why?

- 'Cause if I find it before he give it to me,

I can act like I like it.

- Now, you know you can't act.

- Check this out.

"This is wonderful, Terry. Gee-willikers."

- What the fuck is a willikers?

- I don't know.

- And why would Terry hide your gift in here anyway?

- Because he trusts Janelle.

- Well, I sleep in here, too.

- Damn, you right.

Where the one place you wouldn't look?

both: The bookshelf.

- Got his ass. - Yes.

Yes, open it. Okay.

- What the fuck is this?

- I think it's supposed to be a Prada.

- This look like a nigga named "Nada."

Fuck it, I'm just gonna buy my own gift next year

and put his name on it.

- You know, and he probably paid $400 for that

when I could have gotten him the real one for 200.

- How the hell are you gonna get a real purse

cheaper than a knockoff?

- 'Cause I met this chick at Panda Express.

[chuckles] She got the hook-up on everything.

- You was only at Panda Express for a minute.

- Well, you're a married woman.

You know a lot can happen in a minute.

- Ain't that the truth.

- Well, look, I'ma go swap this one out

with a real one and put it right back,

and he'll never have to know.

[doorbell rings]

- Pat! both: Oh, shit.

[both speaking over each other]

- Okay, okay. - Stop.

Get the fuck out of here. - Okay, I'm sorry, okay.

[together] Happy birthday!

- Oh, who made that sign? I love it.

- Me too.

Now I don't have to buy another one for two, three...

- Ten years.

Who was at the door? - Give it to her, Brandon.

- Happy birthday. - Ashley!

If it ain't the baby who ruined my childhood.

- If it ain't the mama who ruined mine.

- You look good. You lost weight?

- Me? Look at you looking like...yourself.

- Who idea was this?

'Cause I know it wasn't your dad's.

- It actually was. - Mm-hmm.

- See? Don't know what the hell you talkin' about.

Come on, girl. [smooches]

Come on, y'all. Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Ashley. - Ohh.

- That's my niece. - Hey, Auntie.

- Man, it's good to see you, sis.

- Well, back at you, Fit Rite.

- What, y'all told her?

- They've been telling everybody about that.

- Mama's got a whole joke on it.

- And look at you growing up. Do I see a mustache?

- Oh, you know we out here.

- Oh, nah, you just ain't wash your face good.

- What?

- Bonjour,sis, ca'va?

- Ah, ca'va bien. Et toi?

- Here they go with this Spanish shit.

- It's French, and it's good to see you, too, Auntie.

- Where you been? - I know where she ain't been.

- Oh, Lord, here we go.

- We ain't seen you in a year.

You can't call home to your mama like normal people do?

- Normal people don't have to get cussed out

when they call their mothers.

- Asking you why your funky ass

ain't call home ain't cussing you out.

- I swear, y'all act just like sisters.

- That's 'cause they grew up together.

- Uh, sisters?

According to my uneven titties, I'm the mama.

- I thought you would have your own place by now.

- You talking to her or me?

- That's a damn shame.

- Ashley, how long are you staying?

- Just a week.

- That's what the other two said.

- You talking to her or me?

- Yes.

- Wait a minute, is that your new Lexus outside?

- Yeah, that's me.

- Oh, okay.

You take a picture of me in the car?

- Sure.

- Stop playing before I drive off in your car.

- Ah. [car lock beeps]

See, that's why didn't nobody miss you.

- Just like old times.

- Mama.

- Me speak no English.

- Ooh, let's eat.

- Uh-uh, we got to pray first.

- Who's gonna lead the prayer?

- Pat should. It's her special day.

- You sure? - Mm.

- Okay.

Bow your head and keep one eye open.

I pledge allegiance--

- Pat.

- Oh, it's been a minute.

Lord, I know it's a nigga out there begging You

for a Gucci belt he can't afford.

But I want to thank You for bringing my family together,

and especially my firstborn back,

who don't know how to use a damn phone.

- Well...

- And can You please tell her to call on me

the same way I call on Chick-fil-A?

- Yes, sir.

- Lord, I'm thankful for Brandon and, um, Junebug...

I think.

- She said my name first.

- And can You please tell Janelle

to calm that civil rights shit down?

- Why not just pray for equality?

- Lord, do You have any angels in Heaven

that ain't doing shit that can come down here

and slap the hell out of my daughter?

And I want to thank my husband for making this meal

that gonna keep me on the toilet till my feet go numb.

- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

- Amen. all: Amen.

- I haven't had home cooking like this in a minute.

- Can't get home cooking till you come home.

Ain't that a concept? - Ooh.

Well, I hope you all enjoy. [chuckles]

Denise, where you been?

- Huh? - Food is ready.

- Oh, I was outside smoking a cigarette.

- For two hours?

- Well, you know, I was trying to make up my mind,

'cause, you know, I'm wearing the patch,

but then I didn't realize that the patch had went dead.

So then I had to smoke two, but I let one burn down,

so, technically, I only smoked one,

so now I'm closer to quitting.

- What's that behind your back?

- Say what, now?

- What are you doing with Pat's gift,

and where did you go with it?

- Oh, it was so pretty, Terry,

that I wanted to see what it looked like

out in the moonlight.

Now I'm gonna take it back.

- Open the gift bag, Denise.

- Fine.

I wanted to replace it to get a better gift,

but then when I got it outside,

I saw that you actually did good this time.

- Oh, thanks. - Uh-huh.

- Open the gift bag, Denise.

- Ahh, I did do good, didn't I?

- Yeah, nigga, you did.

- Go on and put it back before you ruin the surprise now.

- Okay. Okay. All right.

[sighs]

- Brandon, can you pass me the collard greens?

- Baby, you put your gout in these greens.

- All right, baby.

- You can have them back.

- What did you put in this sauce, Pops?

- That's that Suge Knight sauce.

I call it "manslaughter bipolar barbecue."

- My bad, y'all.

I had to go meet a woman about a panda.

- Did that panda eat that bamboo?

- Tore that shit up.

- What the hell y'all talking about?

- Queefing.

- Never mind.

- What's queefing?

- I was just about to ask you.

- Pat, this rib right here

is hitting harder than your first baby daddy.

I'm sorry, but that was good.

You got to write that down, Pat-Pat.

- No.

I want to thank y'all for this dinner.

It was special, and I truly appreciate it.

- Hey, Ma, I got you a gift. - Mm, and it's a good one.

- What is it? - I got a job interview.

- Interview?

- You--you--you told us you had a job.

- Uh, you guys didn't let me finish, so that's on you.

- When is it, son? - This Wednesday at 5:30.

- Today is Thursday.

- What? Damn.

Well, I guess I'll just apply for your birthday, Dad.

- Boy, you gonna be late for my damn funeral.

- Your funeral?

- Yeah, 'cause you gonna be waiting on me

to CashApp you gas money.

- Well, if you stop enabling the boy,

he wouldn't need to borrow money.

- Oh, Lord. - Excuse me?

But this lopsided-head-ass Negro

came out of my hot pocket.

When something finally crawl out of yours,

then you can comment, okay?

- The drama. Can somebody please pass the liquor?

- Yeah, we can pass it right on by your ass.

You know your brain ain't old enough to drink.

- Auntie, how you been doing in Indiana?

- It's been rough so far.

You know, this dating pool is shallow.

I actually been thinking about taking

a little dive in the lady lake.

- Stop lying.

- I'm for real.

- Denise, you barely eat fish.

- Well, who said I'm the one who gonna be eating?

- Oh, hell, no.

You ain't about to be bringing that bulldagger shit

up in my house,

dating bitches that look like Terry.

- I don't find that funny. - Me either.

- 'Cause you too damn bougie to laugh.

- No, because what you said was disrespectful.

- How was that disrespectful?

All I said was bulldagger.

You acting like I'm talking about a cross-eyed motherfucker

while a cross-eyed motherfucker is in the room

looking at us sideways.

- You know, I'm with Janelle.

I don't like what you said either,

'cause I would never date no Terry-looking-ass bitch.

- Where you going? We eating dinner.

- You said you don't allow bulldaggers in your house.

- What's that got to do with you?

- I'm gay.

- Girl sit your ass down and stop playing.

- I think she's serious, Pat.

- I am.

- Serious or gay?

- I'm gay.

- You serious?

- Do you have a problem with me being gay?

- I don't. - Me neither.

- Dildo. I mean, uh, ditto.

- Can we please just eat?

- Why would you want to be gay?

- Want to? Nobody asks to be oppressed.

I was born this way.

- Not according to my ultrasound.

- You know what? - All right. All right.

All right. - You better get her.

- Why don't we all just take a breath, huh,

and hear each other out?

- I've heard enough of what she has to say.

- Ashley. - No, Brandon, I'm tired

of her always talking like she got some moral high ground,

like she's perfect.

Do you know the mess you put us through as kids,

how we had to watch Lloyd beat you

and then watch you fight every woman he cheated with?

- You didn't have to watch.

You could have helped a bitch out.

You was old enough to bite a hole in a kneecap.

- And let's not even talk about the illegal stuff,

like you selling drugs in front of my school.

- Hell, your teacher was going to buy

that dope from somebody.

- I mean, you did hide crack in our diapers.

- And you shitted on my crack, so we even.

- Look at that. Always a joke, no remorse.

- I'm not joking.

Have you ever tried to sell shitty crack?

- No. Have you ever tried to smoke shitty crack, okay?

It gets all under your fingernails, and then--

- Uh, I'll--I'll save you some.

- You have no right to judge what I want to do with my life.

You were a horrible mother.

- [scoffs] Is that what y'all think?

- I think the food's getting cold.

- And I think that everyone needs to calm down.

- No, Terry, they think I'm a horrible mom.

Fuck all y'all.

Get out of my face. - Pat.

- Happy birthday, Mom. - Shut up.

- Ashley, come move your goddamn car.

- Y'all seen your sister?

- Yeah, she on the porch drinking.

- Maybe you should go talk to her.

- You know, this is all your fault.

- What?

- You shouldn't have been talking

about backstroking in Lady Lakes.

- Well, how was I supposed to know

she was already deep-sea diving?

I just wanted an invite to the Coochie Convention.

- Speaking of deep-sea diving,

y'all seen the trailer for that new "Aquaman"?

- Really?

- Her sexuality shouldn't even be a family discussion.

- Which is why I'm trying to talk about "Aquaman."

So what's y'all favorite superhero?

- I like Shut The Fuck Up Man.

Did Ashley tell y'all about any of this?

- Yeah, she told us years ago.

- Well, why do you think she wanted to hide it from me?

- Probably 'cause you would have asked

about a Coochie Convention.

- [scoffs, clicks tongue] This is a mess.

And what are we gonna do about Pat?

Maybe your gift will help cheer her up.

- I hope so.

I think she's gonna really love that diamond bracelet.

- Diamond bracelet?

You got her a purse.

- Yeah, but the purse was fake.

I wanted her to believe that I failed

before she found a real diamond bracelet

inside of it.

- A real diamond bracelet?

- Yeah, yeah, you didn't see it?

- Where the cognac at?

- Uh-uh, Denise, Denise, you recovering.

You can't drink.

- No, I know. [chuckles]

I just gonna smell it.

You know, brown liquor get you ready

for one of two things--

either to fuck or to fight,

and I'm praying that I ain't got to do both tonight.

- Hey.

You mind if I sit?

- Sure.

- I'm sorry about all the stuff

your mother said earlier.

It's not coming from a venomous place.

- That's why I haven't been able to talk to y'all.

- I didn't know what to expect,

especially with y'all being Christians.

- Christian? [scoffs]

Did you not hear that prayer over the food?

[scoffs]

Regardless, Princess,

the greatest commandment of a Christian is to love.

Now, I know what the Bible says about gay folks.

Hell, Deuteronomy says if Junebug rebels,

I can stone him to death.

That book is full

of all kinds of wonderful life-changing things,

and it definitely has the spirit of God.

But it was also written by humans

who know how to hurt other humans.

- It took me so long to learn to love myself, Daddy...

So long to feel like I didn't need to...

fix something inside me.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Out of all those other kids in this family,

you ain't the one that need to be fixed.

You and your mama got a lot more in common than you think.

Well, look, she's not perfect,

but what do you expect from a 14-year-old mother?

She did the best with what she had,

and it was all for y'all.

- I know that, but she's not 14 anymore, Dad.

- She's still your mother, huh?

Hey, at least go and talk to her.

- Where'd she even go?

- I'm not sure, but her phone location is on,

so we can find her.

- You track her location?

- Yeah, for safety.

- I'm sure Mama can handle herself.

- That's for everybody else's safety.

- Thank you.

- What you thanking me for?

- You may not be my biological father,

but you've always been the best father

I could ever ask for.

- You really know how to make somebody cry.

My money wasn't wasted on that psychology degree.

- Okay. [both laugh]

- You are loved.

- You know we got an audience, right?

- Ow!

- That's what you get for eavesdropping.

- Eavesdropping? We didn't hear anything.

You hear something, Junebug?

- I didn't hear anything. You hear something, Brandon?

- Well, I heard Dad say,

"What do you expect from a 14-year-old mother?"

Then I heard Ashley said that she loved Dad,

even though he never popped a seed inside of Mama.

And then Ashley said that she was gonna go talk to Mom,

and Dad said that he's glad

that she didn't waste his money.

Y'all didn't hear any of that?

And y'all call me the dumb one.

- Mom is just processing.

That's all.

We love you.

- Thanks, sis.

- Oh, look at my babies. [chuckles]

- Hey. - What's happening?

- Dad. - Come on.

- Stop. - Open up.

- Open the door. - Just like the old times.

Hello, honey.

There are some colored people at the front door.

- Today my birthday, y'all.

[cheers and applause]

I'ma make this shit quick,

'cause my husband think I'm at Walmart.

Today was supposed to be my special day, y'all,

but, no, my daughter had to come out

and tell everybody she was gay and steal my sunshine...

like she was gonna turn straight at the stroke

of midnight or some shit, like a gay-ass Cinderella.

But I remember my baby daddy's mother-in-law told me

when my baby was little that she had a clit-licking spirit.

And I got mad, and I was like, "Bitch, fuck you.

Go baptize your wig backwards."

But I guess she was right,

'cause she came out as gay, and I got to say,

I'm happy that she came out,

because at least I know that she would never have

to suck a real dick to get ahead.

Oh, fuck you. Your kids suck dicks, too.

That's my time, y'all. I'm Ms. Pat.

[cheers and applause]

- You're hilarious. - Thank you.

- Yeah, that was great, you guys.

- He's right.

- What you doing here?

- Terry told me where to find you.

- Can I get you a drink or something?

- No.

That was a good set.

- Thanks to you, I got five minutes of new material.

- I just wanted to come apologize.

- For what?

- Calling you horrible.

I know you sacrificed a lot.

- Thank you.

- You don't have anything else you want to say?

- Mm-mm.

- Not a "sorry"? - Mm-mm.

- You called me a bulldagger.

- No, I didn't.

I told Denise not to be acting like a bulldagger.

- So you're just gonna keep saying it?

- I didn't mean any of that stuff.

You dropped a bomb on me.

- Up there, you just said you already knew who I was.

- I mean, I kind of knew who you was

when I walked in and caught you sucking

on your Barbie doll titties.

But, hell, I thought it was a phase.

I didn't know you was gonna grow up to suck real titties.

- Do you know how much weight

that would have taken off me if I knew that?

Why didn't you say anything?

- I was hoping it would change.

I didn't see stuff that way, okay?

I wanted you to do stuff I couldn't do,

like go to college, date men,

have kids, get married.

- You literally did everything on that list but college.

- Look, I'm sorry, you know,

I didn't respond with rainbow confetti,

but you was born a Black woman.

Ain't that hard enough? Why add to it?

- The addition was not my choice.

You got to take that up with God.

All I want is to be happy.

Why can't that be enough for you?

- I want you to be happy, but, hell,

it ain't like I got my own feelings

like I did something wrong?

- Did something wrong?

So I turned out wrong to you?

- That's not what I'm saying.

- I just came to apologize.

- Ashley. Ashley!

- Ah, welcome home, drama queen.

Where is Ashley? - I don't know.

- Wasn't she at the club? - Yeah.

- Hmm. Well, what--

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Well, you know what?

I got something that's gonna cheer you up.

Close your eyes.

- You better not put your dick in my hand.

- Shut up and take the gift.

- Oh, how wonderful.

Gee-willikers.

- What the hell is a "williker"?

- Nothing. Thank you.

- Are you disappointed?

- It's fake.

- Look inside.

- Oh, my God.

- You like it?

- If it's real.

- Yeah, it's real.

- You don't seem too happy.

- It's beautiful. I'm just still thinking about Ashley.

- You know, baby,

I don't think you handled that too well today.

- I know, but I was just--

- Life and death lives in the mouth of a parent.

And as for us, we got to choose life.

The rest of the world already got death on lock.

- I know. I need to call her.

- I love you.

- Love you, too. - Oh, baby.

- Y'all--y'all know where the Epsom salt at?

- What the hell happened to you?

- And why are you limping?

- Two pandas tried to jump me in the alley.

- Tried, my ass.

They beat the panther out that coat.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ Raising kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪