Original subtitles

- Can I tell y'all something?

The only thing I don't like about being a mom

is having kids,

'cause they'll run your ass ragged

and give your wig alopecia.

From football practice to dentist appointment

to birthday parties

and other shit we just don't give a fuck about.

And then they have the nerve to leave they damn lunch money

at the house.

Like I'ma get out of my bed and put on a bra

and bring it to the school.

Excuse me, do I look like a white bitch named Hazel?

But at the end of the day, we all know

that we would go to hell and church and back

for our babies,

and in this episode,

you about to watch me go to hell.

At least I ain't gotta go to church.

Them niggas beg too much.

- Morning, superstar.

I made coffee. You want a cup?

- Do a porcupine pussy poke?

- That would be a yes.

How was your show last night?

- It was good.

Just a bunch of plus-size girls come up to me last night

talking 'bout, I represent for the big girls.

- You don't like the big girls?

- I like 'em, but hell,

we might not be fat for the same reason.

They probably ate too much.

My thyroids could be fucking up.

- [laughs]

Hey, I got to get to work.

- Speaking of work, when are you gonna take down

that "Golden Girl" wallpaper?

- I thought it was "Gone With the Wind" wallpaper.

- They all white women from the South, Terry.

- Well, baby, I'ma get on it

soon as I get home from work, now.

- You been saying that.

Now, how this time any different?

- It ain't.

Morning, baby girl. - Morning.

- Hey, I'ma see you later, all right?

- All right, Dad. - Right.

- Why are you writing that essay on paper

when we just got the laptop fixed?

- I'm making a statement.

Not everyone has access to a computer.

- But you do.

- Capitalism should be separate from education, Mom.

- But common shouldn't be separate from sense.

Why you always fight for motherfuckers

you ain't gon' never meet?

- That's how change is made.

Like Dr. King, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers.

- Can you name somebody who's still alive?

Like Teena Marie.

- Who?

- Morning, Pat-Pat.

- What you huffing and puffing about?

- I'm just having a bad time with these dating apps.

Do you know how many threesome requests

I got on Christian Mingle?

- Girl, that is between you, God, and Joel Osteen.

- Now, you know God ain't nowhere near Joel Osteen.

- Hang on, I gotta ask my mom.

Hey, can I go to my friend Ryan's house

today after school?

- Hell no. He can come over here.

I don't know what type of freaky shit

Ryan mama and daddy into.

Your ass'll end up sex trafficked

in South America somewhere.

- So you'll think about it?

- Get yo--

- ♪ Hop on, it's time to go

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

- Here's my essay.

- I told you it was supposed to be emailed.

Why is it in the incorrect format?

- Because this is exactly why

disadvantaged kids are falling behind.

- Well, that is a good point.

Class, raise your hand if you're falling behind.

Now raise your hand if you're disadvantaged.

Ariel, your dad not giving you that nose job

that you wrote about does not apply.

Put your hand down.

See?

So who are you doing this for?

- Well, I guess I'm doing it for you.

- The only thing you're doing for me is saving me the trouble

of grading your paper.

- Improvising is a skill

that illustrates the capacity to get the job done.

That should be encouraged, not frowned upon.

[applause]

Thank you.

- I really love that perspective.

- Great.

- But I still can't grade this paper.

- [sighs]

You know, an educator whose mind is closed

to new ideas isn't one that I can learn from.

I'm leaving.

- Wait, Janelle.

Don't forget to take your F with you.

The F stands for falling behind.

- [sighs]

- Hey, Martha.

- Ah, hello, Mrs. Ca...

- Carson. - Carson.

It's good to see you.

I mean, it's bad that I have to see you

in the principal's office 'cause that means

somebody's in trouble, but it is good to see you.

Good luck, J--Jay...

- Janelle. - Janelle.

- What are you doing here?

Look, please do not embarrass me.

- If I wanted to embarrass you, I wouldn't have worn a bra,

and my titties would be in a book bag.

- [laughs] Mine would be in a coin purse.

- We know.

- Your principal called. What did you do this time?

- He didn't call you about me.

I'm here filing a complaint against my teacher.

- What type of white privilege shit is that?

- Well, if it isn't my favorite single mother!

That was a joke.

- Still not funny.

- Come on in.

So good news:

since our last little chat,

I found out that convicted felons

actually can participate in school activities.

- Now, how the hell is that good news?

- Because now you can participate.

Unless you're a sex offender.

You're not a sex offender, are you?

- No, baby, but I've had some offensive sex.

- Ew.

- Haven't we all? - Ew.

- You know you could have just called me with this, right?

- Yeah, but you would have hung up on me.

- You right.

- So tonight is the PTO meeting.

I'll see you there? - No, I gotta work.

- No, she don't. - Oh, what do you do?

- I'm a stand-up comedian.

- A comedian? Wow!

Well, we can use your fresh perspective

and humor around here.

- I get paid for my fresh perspective.

- And you can still find time to support your kids

by volunteering with us.

- So you want me to come to a meeting tonight

with all these pumpkin pie-eating,

no nutmeg-using, one egg in the cornbread Susans?

- Oh, great, you already know Susan.

- No. - I'll see you tonight.

- So Mrs. Carson,

how many eggs are you supposed to put in cornbread?

- Two. - Two, okay.

What should I do if it's egg substitute?

- Kill yourself.

- Kill...my...self.

- Anyways, I have a complaint about my teacher

I'd like for you to read.

- Email it to me.

- Told your ass to use that laptop.

- Are you sure you want to do this, Pat?

I mean, we stick out like real ass at a strip club.

- Your outfit ain't helping,

looking like Ho-time at the Apollo.

- I had to get cute in case I met a man.

- Cute for who? Ain't no pimps in here.

- And apparently it ain't no men either.

I mean, don't these kids have daddies?

Where the zaddies at?

[laughs] - Here come one.

Little dusty, but there go one.

- Hey, zaddy.

Uh-uh, girl, we have got to go.

One of them Christian Mingles

who wanted a threesome is up in here.

Come on. - Where?

- That's him right over there.

- Girl, that is Principal Horner.

- Well, Horner trying to put bitches in corners.

- Girl, come on. We gotta get involved.

- What is this with cheese slices on top?

- I think it's supposed to be a cheese dip.

- Well, hello and welcome!

I'm Elizabeth. I'm the PTO chair.

Ooh, I see you guys are trying Martha's famous mac and cheese.

- Is that what this is? - Well, it's homemade.

- She should've left that shit at home.

- So you guys must be new here. - Mm-hmm.

- Are you a couple?

- A couple of what? - A couple of nigga--

- I'm Pat. This is my sister, Denise.

We moved here a couple of months ago.

- Well, we're so glad to have you.

- Thank you. - [giggles]

Ooh, and I love your purse.

You know, I lost one that was just like that--

[phone rings]

Is everything okay? You found her diaper where?

- Your baby? - No, my mom. Excuse me.

Well, how did she get on the roof?

- Well, she was nice. - Nice like a snake.

She think you stole that purse. - No, she don't.

- Yes, she does, and what she need to do

is find out who stole her top lip,

'cause it is invisible.

I bet that punk-ass principal done told everybody

up in here that we felons.

- What?

- Yes, I bet he said, "Hide your kids and your"...

- That low-down, dirty m--

I tried to be nice coming to your little Trump rally,

but you done went and told everybody we felons.

- I didn't tell them anything.

- Well, then who did?

- I believe you just did.

- I'm Denise.

- Okay, folks, let's get started.

- Look at her up there judging us.

- Be quiet.

- The chair officially calls this meeting to order.

Ooh, and exciting news.

It's time for our annual coupon book fundraiser.

- Can we go before they put us to work?

- Hey, if we leave now, they gonna remember we felons.

- I'm good with that.

- Look, Janelle is having a hard time

at this school fitting in.

Mama never was there for us. I'm gonna be here for my child.

- And the winner of this year's competition

gets a new air fryer.

- And them white people giving away free shit.

- Now, I fucks with that.

- Ooh...

Oh...Pat, I know you're new to the community,

so you don't have to participate.

- Oh, no, I want to.

- I can just give the extras to Martha.

- Oh-- - Martha,

sit your goofy ass down.

Nice to meet you.

- Hey, Dad, can I get some money,

so I can ride my bike to get me and Janelle some burgers?

- There's food on the stove, son.

- I know, but Mama made it.

- Ooh, get me something, too.

Bring me back my damn change, boy.

- Boy, where you going? - To get some burgers.

- I made a pot of chili for dinner.

- Get me a number two.

- Really, Denise?

- Well, when we were little, I learned how to cook dinner,

and you learned how to cook the books.

- But I can make chili.

Son, get me a number three with extra pickles.

- Wassup, soccer moms? How'd it go?

- Them crow-feet-faced bitches.

- The caucacity.

- And when they found out we was felons--

- How did they find out? - Denise let it slip.

And then they tried to take the fundraiser from me.

I can sell just as many coupons as they can.

- Well, you gonna have to sell more than them

if you want to win that air fryer.

- An air fryer?

Pat, you know good and damn well you don't need

nothing in that kitchen you can't cook on.

- Kiss my ass, Terry.

- In front of Denise? 'Cause you know I'll do it.

Come here. - Stop!

Don't you put your hands on me. - Come here!

- You best believe I'ma win that damn air fryer,

and I'ma be the best damn coupon mama there is.

- You got that right, baby.

Move, negro.

- What are you doing?

- I'm about to watch the Bulldogs game I recorded.

- I thought you was gonna finish

taking down that wallpaper.

- I'm taking a break to watch the game.

- They lost by a field goal in overtime.

- Damn, baby, you done ruined the game!

- Well, you're free now. Come on.

Get back to work. - [laughs]

- [groans]

- Move, nigga.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey! - Hey!

I'm sorry.

I already bought from Elizabeth.

She gets us every year.

- Do you know Jesus? - Yes, ma'am.

- He sent these.

- You don't even know Jesus.

- Shut the fuck up. - Let me think about it.

- Look, man, these damn coupons selling faster

than Popeyes chicken sandwiches.

- Or maybe you could buy one for your wife

or your side bitch.

- Excuse me?

I don't have a side anything.

- Oh, well, maybe we can fix that.

Think about it.

- Girl, come on.

We selling coupon, not old ass.

- Oh, no thank you,

but would you like to come in for a cup of tea?

- No, bitch, we saw that movie.

Bring your ass home, girl.

- [grunts]

- How's my loving daddy? - Depends.

How much it's gonna cost me?

- Just 20 minutes of your time

for a parent-teacher conference tomorrow.

- Did you tell your mom?

- No. - Why?

- Because she might actually come.

- Good point.

- These PTO Patties out here killing these streets.

- I know what'll make you feel better.

Two-for-one massage!

You pay for one, and I get one free.

- Where'd you get a coupon from?

You capping off the top?

- No, I bought it from Elizabeth.

She good, Pat.

- You so weak. I see how you got on dope.

- I'm guessing sales aren't going well.

- Nah, they're not going at all.

- If we don't win the air fryer,

them women gonna look down on us.

- You must've lost your touch

'cause I remember nobody could outhustle Rabbit

back in the day.

- I don't like when people call me Rabbit,

and Rabbit is dead.

- Well, you gon' need to wake her ass up

if you want to win that air fryer.

I remember when you used to be able

to sell straightening combs to bald bitches.

- You know what, Denise? You right.

I'm tired of playing them PTO mamas' game.

I'ma show up how we used to get down

when we was back in the A.

And bitch, you owe me for a straightening comb.

- Mr. Carson, I'm Jerry.

The kids, they call me Mr. Bradford.

- [scoffs] That ain't all we call you.

- It's good to meet you,

but my wife just came by here the other day.

Do y'all get paid by the parent-teacher conference?

- We barely get paid.

So, Janelle, do you know why you're here?

- Yeah, I walked out of class.

I mean, yes, sir.

- Well, I want to discuss

why Janelle thinks she's being treated differently.

I treat all my students the same.

- Aren't all teachers supposed to believe

all their students aren't the same?

- Well, yeah, they're not, but--

- Then having one rule apply to them all is hypocritical.

- Janelle.

I'm sorry, she gets her mouth from her mother.

- The rules have been in place for a long time.

- Just because it's old doesn't make it right.

I mean, times change.

People change.

Shouldn't the rules change with them?

I mean, they even amended the Constitution.

- Dang, she's good.

- I know.

- Look, you are not in trouble, Janelle.

- She's not? - I'm not?

- No.

In fact, I'm impressed with your ability

to articulate your points.

- Thank you?

- Your complaint against me was probably one of the best essays

I read all year,

and it's hard to top Ariel's well-written nip/tuck fantasy.

- What in the hell kind of school is this?

- And I'll allow you to turn in your paper on paper.

However, I would like for you to join the debate team, hmm?

I'm the faculty advisor, and we could use

your strong voice on our squad.

- [laughs] All right, strong voice.

See, she gets that from me.

So is that debate team any good?

- [laughs] We're a work in progress.

- Mm-hmm. - That's a hard no.

- Yeah, but that could change with you on our team.

So what do you say?

- No.

I mean, no thank you.

I'd rather take a zero.

- And I'd rather be married to Regina King,

but your mama act like Don King.

- Don King is way quieter than Mama.

- Man, this is just like old times,

except instead of crack, it's coupon books.

- I don't see nobody sucking dicks for no coupons.

- Wait, no, don't even.

- Keep the product coming, boys.

- Wait, why are we doing this again?

- Because those ladies are selling their coupons

for $20 a book,

so I'm stepping on these and selling 'em three for $20.

- Yeah, that's what she used to have to do to compete

with Swisha Sweet back in the day.

- Swisha Sweet?

- Child, he's the El Chapo of the ghetto.

- Child, less talking, more working.

Come on over here.

Denise, you gon' hit up them AA meetings

and sling them liquor coupons.

- Wait, Mama, isn't that-- - That's supply and demand.

Mind ya business. Shut the fuck up.

Ryan, you gon' hit the gym

and sling them chicken and biscuit coupons.

- Got it, Ms. Carson.

- And Junebug, you gon' go over to the old folks' home

and work that little bit of cuteness you still got left.

And if you see anybody slinging coupons in your territory,

you let 'em know that you work for Rabbit,

and Rabbit don't hop.

[knocking]

- Oh, shit! - Shit!

Hide that shit.

- Put it up, put it up! Put it in the drawer.

- Wait, wait, wait, Pat.

It's just coupons.

- Oh, shit. I was having flashbacks.

Y'all didn't hear them sirens?

- It's probably just Ryan's mom coming to pick him up.

- Yeah.

- You need to tell your mama to learn how to knock

on Black people doors.

Like the damn police.

I'ma sell her a coupon for a manicure

for them wolf hooves she got.

Hi.

- Oh, hi. I didn't know you lived here.

- Neither do the repo man.

I didn't know Junebug was your son.

- His name is Junebug.

You couldn't tell that it was her son?

- Come on in. We don't bite.

- Oh, and hey, look, I found that purse I was talking about.

- The one you thought I stole?

- Why would you think that? It was just a compliment.

- Yeah, Pat, who told you that shit?

- How are your sales going? - Good.

- Wait, why are you defacing these coupon books, Ryan?

- Junebug and I were helping Ms. Carson step on the books

so she can sell more, like El Chapo.

- Excuse me, what did you just say?

- Trying to get chopped-o?

- You're stepping on the books? - Mm-hmm.

- Yes, I know what that means. I watch "The Wire."

And you're enlisting the children?

- Just like "The Wire." We're killing it.

- Oh, actually, what you're doing is breaking the rules.

Although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Come on, Ryan. We're leaving.

Listen, I know you're new here,

and you don't know how things go,

but you shouldn't be turning our fundraiser

into one of your little street hustles.

- [gasps]

- Bye, guys. Thank you for--

- Did she just call me a nigga?

Give me some of them cookies. I got feelings to eat.

- Looks like you're already full of feelings.

- Go play in traffic. My thyroid's messing up.

- What's wrong, Mom?

- I hate it here, that's what's wrong.

You ever watch "Leave It to Beaver"?

- What? [laughs nervously]

No.

I don't watch porn.

- What the hell? Not that kind of beaver.

They made that a porn?

- I wouldn't know.

- Anyway, it was all about the Cleavers.

They lived in a nice neighborhood,

and they mama was nothing like mine.

She wouldn't have never fed them chicken's ass

and called it negro nuggets.

And now that I'm living in a place like this,

I don't feel the same.

- Wait, so you feel like you don't belong?

- I know I belong.

I worked my ass off to get here.

- Okay, well, if you belong,

then why do you have to prove it?

Just be yourself and be honest about it.

- You know what, son?

You right.

- For what?

- For letting me know being me is enough.

I got books to sell. - So I helped?

- Yes, you did, baby,

and Mama got a little bit of advice for you, too.

- Oh. Okay.

- When you getting ready to eat dinner tonight,

make sure you wash your little nasty-ass

"Leave It to Beaver" hands.

[knocking]

- Come in.

- Hey.

I bought you a congratulatory cupcake

and a Diet Fizz.

- For what?

- For changing your mind about joining the debate team.

- Really?

You're bribing me with a cupcake?

- And a Diet Fizz.

- Why would I do that?

So they can meet their diversity quota?

"Oh, look at our exceptional Black woman we saved."

- But you are exceptional,

and I get why you don't want nobody to use that,

but maybe you should use it for yourself.

What is it you want to do in life?

- I want to go to law school.

I want to be a judge.

- Good, your mama's side always needs a free lawyer.

- I didn't say anything about free.

- The debate team would be good practice,

not to mention look good on your résumé.

- That team just wants to use me.

- Mm, that teacher believes in you, Janelle.

- He should, 'cause your girl drips sauce.

- Well, let them taste that sauce.

That didn't come out right. - No.

- Ain't nobody tasting your sauce till you 49.

- 49? - Make it 60.

What I'm trying to tell you is, use these people.

Don't let them use you.

And there maybe even be some scholarship money involved.

You know, it's never too early

to start saving your daddy's money.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

You make a good argument.

- I do?

- Yeah.

You get that from me.

- So you'll join?

- I might,

but I'll only be doing it for my mama's people.

And that cupcake.

- Damn, I thought you forgot about that.

See, this is a yes cake.

That is "I'll think about it."

- You really don't have to do this.

- Yes, I do.

- Mrs. Carson. - Mrs. Elizabeth.

- Let's bring this meeting to order.

- What are you doing? - I have something to say.

- Couldn't you say it from your seat?

- I'm already up here now. I'm old.

May I?

[grunts]

Should've moved the first time.

Before you announce the winner of this year coupon sale,

I have something to say.

- You don't have to. - Yes, I do.

- No, you don't. - Shut your ass up.

I sold 200 books.

I mean, I stepped on, cut up in order to do so.

- [gasps] She cut up the books?

That's a really good idea.

- You sold 200 books?

No one's ever sold 200 books.

- Sorry, we can't accept your money

since you broke the rules.

- Actually, we're self-sponsored,

so there are no rules.

- See, I told your ass you didn't need to apologize.

- Um, where's the money?

- My sister have it. - Ah.

- I know what you gonna do with that.

- Oh.

- Well, I'm--

- Sorry for making up rules, trying to make me feel bad?

- Well, to be honest, I just didn't want you to win.

The PTO's been my thing for years.

- Oh, so you just an insecure bitch?

I thought you was judging me for being a felon.

- I can't say it didn't give me reason to pause,

but I had the same reaction when I found out

that Martha, Susan, and Davis had records.

- Well, I guess I judged you guys wrong, too.

I didn't know we was family.

- That is an incredible amount of money.

- Thank you.

- Pat Carson...

you are a welcome addition to our PTO.

Yay!

- Yay! Go, Rabbit!

Oh, good, go, Rabbit! Go, Rabbit! Go, Rabbit!

- You should give Denise that air fryer.

- Hell no. Why?

- Because you don't know what to do with it, Pat.

It's not an Easy-Bake Oven.

- I'm 'bout to air fry me a cake.

- You 'bout to air fry you a mistake.

Oh, wow--oh, my goodness, niece!

- You see it. - I do see it!

- You see it. - Yes!

It is cu--I can't do it. I tried.

This shit is ugly.

- It's the debate team uniform.

- You joined? - Yeah.

- That's my girl!

both: Ah, ah, ah, bah!

- [laughs]

- Now, I'm still gonna fight,

but now I do the kind of fighting

that looks good on my résumé.

- Smart,

I wish I could put beating white bitches

for a air fryer on my résumé.

- That wouldn't be a résumé. That would be a rap sheet.

- A rap sheet is a résumé.

- And your GED's a college degree.

- Run.

- Did she just call me a nigga?

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ With a husband and kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show

♪