Original subtitles

- "The Ms. Pat Show" was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

- Any of you motherfuckers ever been shot before?

[laughter]

I have, twice.

First time, I lost my nip in a drive-by.

Hell, don't feel sorry for me, baby.

Two nipples is overrated.

Plus, nobody's ever gonna suck both of them at the same time.

Luckily, I've had these same titties

since the third grade.

And do you know the doctor said if I was an A-cup,

I would have died?

Them cute little titties right there, white girl,

would've got you killed.

The other time I got shot,

my baby daddy shot me in the back of the head.

- Ooh.

- But it was not his fault.

It was my fault 'cause I ducked slow.

Getting shot is no fun, y'all,

and that's why tonight's show is dear to my heart.

It is a scary world we're living in,

and it's even scarier when you have kids,

and even though it's overrated,

I truly believe it's every parent's dream

for their child to live

a full, two-nipple life.

- I'm sorry, ma'am. Do you mind sitting down?

Some folks are still trying to board.

- My bad.

- And that's going to have to go under your seat.

- I know how to fly, sky waiter.

- Headed home?

- Yep. Back to Plainfield, Indiana.

- Oh. That's a nice city.

- Well, I just moved there. I'm still getting used to it.

But if you like white people, tiki torches,

and duck shit, it's a nice city.

- I'm looking forward to getting home.

I miss my children like crazy.

- They dead?

- I just miss them. Don't you miss yours?

- Child, I don't miss the babies by my husband

or them grown-ass kids by my baby daddy.

- [laughs]

Were you out here for work as well?

- Yep, I'm a comedian. You?

- I'm a geologist. - What?

- A geologist. I study rocks.

- Wait a minute.

They give white people jobs studying rocks?

- [chuckles] - I used to sell crack rocks.

You mean to tell me I'm a damn geologist?

[cell phone chimes]

Damn, another school shooting.

- Aw, can you believe it? [sighs]

These poor kids are so lost.

- Lady, poor kids can't afford no AR-15.

That boy's a terrorist, and if he wasn't white, he'd be dead.

- You really think they would've killed him

if he wasn't white? - You do realize Black folks

don't have to play the lottery no more?

You just wait till the police shoot your child,

and you might get a $4 million check.

- And then they tax the shit.

But I'm not in this conversation.

- You know, I've actually never thought of it like that.

both: We know.

- They judge these kids just by looking at them.

Like my youngest son,

he's smart, handsome, and wholesome,

but don't nobody care about that.

[cell phone dings]

He just posted something on the damn Snapchat.

- Wow, I'm surprised your children let you follow them.

- They don't, but BigBootyBecky31 can.

- [laughs]

That's genius.

- Look.

- ♪ I got bitches on my mind, I got hos on my line ♪

♪ But the bitches beat the hos ♪

♪ 'Cause they want it all the time ♪

[laughs]

- Girl, these poor kids are so lost.

- ♪ Hop on, it's time to go

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show"

[Maze's "Before I Let Go"]

- ♪ Whoa, whoa, oh

♪

- Hey! [laughs]

Look who's back, ha!

My red-eye raven.

- Man, why you so happy at 7:30 in the morning?

- Come on, dance with me, superstar.

- Turn that barbecue music off.

- Come on now. You know you want to, girl.

- No, I want to take my sleepy ass to sleep.

Terry, stop. You so silly.

I don't feel like all that movement.

- ♪ I would never, never, never, never, never ♪

- Stop!

- ♪ Never, never let you go

♪ Before I go-ah-mmm-ah!

Look at that.

Nineteen years, and I still love that smile.

That's why we've stayed married, huh?

'Cause I can make you smile.

- No, we stay married because you got good healthcare.

- [laughs]

All right, all right, baby. How were the shows, huh?

- Oh, janky-ass promotor tried not to pay me.

But I held on to the hood of his car till the police came.

- [laughs]

- So it's pretty good. I'm just tired, though.

- All right, baby, all right. Mwah.

Go on, get in the bed. Let me finish making breakfast.

- Why don't you finish taking down

that "Gone with the Wind" wallpaper?

- Girl, it is hard tearing down wallpaper

when are you busy protecting this country.

- Man, you make transmissions.

- For a military contractor.

- [laughs] And how's that protecting our country?

- If I tell you, I'm gonna have to kill you.

- Tell your mama.

- [laughs]

- Watch my six, Jay! I got you, headshot!

Teabag, baby! - Shut your unnecessary ass up!

- Hey, Mama.

- Brandon still playing them video games?

We got to get that boy up out of our house.

- Why stop with that one?

Let's get rid of all the kids.

- See, that's the sexiest shit I heard you say.

- Mm-hmm.

- Let's start with that Junebug.

- Why him?

- Come here. Let me show you something.

- [sighs]

Oh.

What is he doing with a condom?

- A Fit-Rite.

That shit for micro-penises.

I've been gone for three days,

and you got my baby out here Snapchatting a condom.

- I ain't got your baby doing a damn thing.

And you know good and well I don't own no Fit-Rite.

- What I do know is, if we still lived in Atlanta,

he would have homeboys

that tell him not to Snapchat that mess.

- Well, baby, we ain't have no choice

but to move here after the factory shut down.

You know that.

We've been here a whole month now,

and you the only one still got a problem.

- Yeah, 'cause I hate it here.

We went from Wakanda to Afcrackerstan.

- [laughing]

- See? I knew that shit was funny.

Them West Coast crowds don't know how to laugh.

- Well, baby, you got to admit it now.

This is way better than Atlanta, right?

They got ducks, there's tiki torches, and it's diverse.

- Diverse?

- There's all kinds of white people.

- We need to talk to Junebug.

- Aw, no, baby, I'm gonna talk to him myself.

- No, you ain't scary enough.

Your ass will probably have him meditating or some shit.

- Baby-- - I'll do it.

Just let me eat and get some rest.

- Look, I told you not to give him that phone.

Now he just puts his whole damn life on social media.

- Without the phone, he'll be kidnapped and killed.

- [sighs] That's true.

- Whatever happened to the good kidnappers?

- Good kidnappers?

- You know the ones that used to take the kids,

stick they thumb up they ass, and bring them back.

[both laughing]

- No, player, I don't know none of them.

- Hey, what's good, y'all?

The most beautiful lady in the world

who gave birth to yours truly

is back in the building!

Go ahead, say what's up to the people, Ma.

- Boy, if you don't get that prepaid shit out of my face...

- Uh, say what's up, Pops.

- Hey, I see you finally finished

touching yourself, son.

- Chill, yo. - Eat your breakfast, boy.

- [sighs] - Why you always on that phone?

- I got to let the bros know what I'm up to.

- Don't nobody give a damn about you, son.

- Yes, they do, Ma. I got fans.

Ooh, like this one girl-- BigBootyBecky.

I think she wants me. - No, she don't.

Where's your sister?

- She said she didn't want to go to school today

'cause of some shooting on the news or whatever.

both: What?

- Look, y'all know Janelle is overdramatic.

And plus, look, we from Atlanta.

We know how to handle stuff like that.

[scoffs]

- You dead.

- That's not fair. I didn't see it coming.

- You never see it coming. - But, Dad, I didn't know Ma--

- Stop talking. You dead.

- Mama!

- Nigga, dead people don't talk.

They say, "Boo, nigga, boo."

Wake your ass up!

- Ma!

- Come on. You got to go to school.

- I don't want to go.

- Look, I need this house during the day

so I can walk around naked.

Do you want to see what your mama is really shaped like?

- I already know you're shaped like two sacks of laundry.

- Leave the jokes to me. Come on, get up.

You got to go to school.

- I just want to stay here, Ma. Please.

- [sighs] You think somebody gonna shoot you?

- Junebug told you? - He told me something,

but I know you in here faking,

'cause you ain't scared of nobody.

You just trying to stay home

so you can watch them "Matlock" marathons.

- I mean, I do love the way

he gets white people to tell the truth,

but I'm for real-- people get ideas,

especially in this kind of neighborhood.

- This kind of neighborhood? - [sighs]

- When I was your age,

I used to be scared of the drunk mens on the corner

with they junks hanging out. - Ma, I'm serious.

- I am, too.

Them bumpy dicks were scary as hell.

- How is this related to me being killed in social studies?

- I don't know. I'm tired.

Just imagine bumpy dicks and go get in the shower.

Get up! Go wash your hot pocket!

- Okay, okay, I'll get in the shower, okay!

- I mean, you almost can't help

but feel sorry for the shooter, John.

He really does seem like he had

a promising e-gaming future ahead of him

before the tragedy happened.

- Oh, shut the fuck up.

[door opens and slams] Jeez.

- Hey, PatPat.

- Why you home so early?

- Them bitches "quired" me, sis.

- What the fuck is "quired"?

- Fired me when I was about to quit.

- How you get fired from three jobs in one month, Denise?

- Okay, first of all, I was "quired."

Second of all,

jobs is for people who ain't got nothing else to do.

- Bitch, you ain't got nothing else to do!

What happened at Panda Express?

- Okay.

See, what had happened was,

them hos was talking about me behind my back,

saying that they saw me

on camera stealing food.

Ain't that some shit?

That's all right,

'cause I don't really fuck with pandas anyway.

You want one of these egg rolls?

- I'm not about to help you eat no evidence.

Give me a shrimp.

- And I didn't steal this.

- You lying. - I'm not!

- You're a recovering addict. Y'all never stop lying.

- Okay, you right.

But I didn't steal it till they thought I stole it.

This legal-job shit is hard, sis.

Having somebody stand over me all the damn time.

I don't think I can work for other people.

- Why you think I'm a comedian?

I can't get fired by nobody but God and Black Twitter.

- And I don't see how you do comedy.

Never knowing when your next cash flow is coming in.

[laughs] I can't be broke.

- I ain't broke.

- You may not be broke,

but you bending.

It's kind of scary, sis.

- Not as scary as me putting your ass out of my house.

You my sister, and I love you,

but I didn't bring you here so you can do the same old shit

you did back at home.

- Well, I don't have a Terry

to help me change my life around like you did.

- You don't need a Terry.

You got the same thing I had--

me.

- I need a Terry.

- Come on, man, watch my back, nigga!

Watch my back! [laughs]

- Oh, I've had enough of his ass.

- What you about to do?

You about to turn off the Wi-Fi?

- Yep.

- Well, how am I supposed to find a job now?

- Make a sign like other homeless people.

- No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Mama! What you do that for?

I was just about to win a level on "Call of Duty."

- Son, you need to call a job

and duty your ass up out my house!

You too old to be screaming at fake shit.

- Fake? Mom, this is not fake, okay?

This is a real community.

- Boy, this is as fake

as your real daddy's child support checks.

You're 28 years old, son, still living at my house.

Get off my nipple. I ain't got but one.

- Okay. Aw, I missed you, Mom.

- I love and hate you, too.

[cell phone chimes]

What this boy done posted now?

[indistinct shouting]

- Oh, shit! - Yo, is that Janelle?

- Whup her ass, niecey!

Yeah, whup her ass! - Why is she fighting?

- And why would Junebug post this?

- Oh, please, that boy posts everything.

Did you see his last video? - [sighs]

- I don't know where he found them raggedy-ass condoms.

- Child, this is bigger than them raggedy-ass condoms.

- Well, everything is bigger than them condoms.

Are you going to the school?

- Bitch, I ain't going to church.

- Wait, turn the Wi-Fi back on first.

- Wi-Fi, nigga!

[door closes]

- Wi-Fi, nigga.

Hello?

- Oh, hello. - Hi, I'm Patricia Carson.

- I think I know who you're here for.

- My daughter J-- - Janisha, right?

- Janelle.

- Oh, my goodness, yes. I'm sorry.

Principal Horner, Janiqua's mom is here to see you.

- Glad you could make it, Ms. Carson.

Please. - What happened?

- Your daughter and another student were in the hallway.

Somehow guns and the recent school shooting

became the topic of discussion.

Your daughter then stated, and I quote,

"Only white people shoot up schools."

- Which is a nonbiased fact. - [sighs]

- But then Hailey said,

"It's because Black people are too busy shooting each other."

- Then what happened? - Then your daughter--

- Dog-walked her till she apologized.

- We have a very supportive community here,

but some behavior just cannot be tolerated.

- Well, can you tolerate your students bragging

about shooting assault rifles with their parents?

'Cause I can't.

- That's their right. - Their right?

Who needs an assault rifle to defend themselves?

If you can't shoot nobody with eight to ten bullets,

you deserve to be killed.

- I am not here to have a gun debate with you.

I'm here to discuss your daughter.

Now I know that it is difficult

raising a child as a single parent.

- What did he say?

- Girl, he just called you a single parent.

- What make you think I'm a single parent?

- Racism.

- I'm sorry. I just assumed that--

- Now you done pissed me off.

- We do not allow threats or cursing on our campus.

- Piss ain't a cuss word, bitch.

Janelle, go to the car.

Go to the car!

[door closes]

What is your problem?

- Mrs. Carson, your daughter is making things harder

than they have to be.

First, she's taking a knee during the pledge.

- That's her right.

- Then she's wearing Black Girl Magic T-Shirts,

when, in fact, all girls have magic.

- That's a damn lie.

- And now she's fighting in my hallways.

- Look, I don't condone her fighting,

but I think you just don't know my daughter yet.

She's a straight-A student, a great leader,

and she's 50% of your Black population.

- How am I supposed to know you or your family?

I haven't seen you at a PTO meeting

or a bake sale.

And you haven't signed up to chaperone a single field trip.

- They do criminal background checks.

Hell, that's the best part about being a felon.

No jury duty, no trips to the zoo.

- You're a f-felon?

- Let's just say I made a lot of mistakes in my life

that I'm trying to keep my kids from making.

- Understood.

Mrs. Carson, your family is welcome here,

and I'm sorry your daughter feels differently.

She just needs time,

but I'm still suspending her for five days.

- Four. She won the fight.

- Five.

- Three. It wasn't even close.

- Four. - 3 1/2.

- 3 1/2?

- I'm not feeding her for four days.

She'll be here for lunch.

- Fine.

- And just so we clear,

they was both right.

RayRay will shoot DayDay,

but them Chad motherfuckers gonna kill us all.

I'm done with y'all ass. Go upstairs and go to bed.

- It's 2:00 in the afternoon.

- Boy, you Black. It's bedtime in Africa.

- Niecey, your first fight,

and you really whipped that bitch's ass.

- I know!

- You're next.

- I was worried about you 'cause you read so good,

but you got hands!

Hey, PatPat.

Can you come help me with my résumé?

- You know damn well

you can't get no job that requires no résumé.

- Would you just shut up and look?

- Denise. - Hmm?

- How did you go to Hillman? It's not even a real college.

- It's an honorary degree.

Hey, T. - Hey.

- You back early.

- Yeah, well, your sister made me come back home

to talk to these kids.

- 'Cause they got me running around

like a crackhead looking for copper.

- [sighs]

Well, baby, how you think you got me feeling

when you gone, huh?

They got me running around like a ho in the street

after payday.

- [laughs] I'm sick of that girl.

I don't know why she acting like that.

- 'Cause she just like you.

- I don't act like that.

- Yes, you do.

Remember when Brandon's daddy was cheating

and you shot him in the leg

just so you could take care of him?

- And he still left the hospital with another bitch.

[laughs]

- [laughs] Or that time you fought Pookie

'cause he told you your Jheri Curl was dry.

- Fuck Pookie.

- Hmm.

Well, you know, the truth is,

these kids ain't never get in no trouble back home.

[sighs]

Baby, did I mess us up by moving here?

- Pat?

- I'm thinking.

- Aw! - Aw, that's right.

That's right. Just what you get!

I know what I did, and I'd do it again, try it.

- [sighs] You're such a crazy--

- Say it, and I'll knock your teeth out

and give them to my Uncle Peaches.

- What is going on?

- Dad, she broke my phone. - You should've apologized.

- For what? You hit her, not me.

- How about I hit your ass?

- Whoa, whoa, hey, Janelle, come on now.

- She said "ass," Ma. - It's in the Bible.

- I don't read the Bible, so you cursed.

Get your fucking ass downstairs.

- She's evil, Ma. I think it's menopause.

- Why would you put your sister out there like that?

- [sighs] I don't know.

I thought my followers would like it.

- You got to think sometimes, man.

Everything ain't for the world to see.

- I hear you. Is there anything else?

- We want to talk to you

about a video you posted on your Snapchat this morning.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

How did you see what was on my Snapchat?

- Black parents are like God, son.

We see every damn thing.

- Are you having sex? - You think I'm having sex?

- Boy, calm your ass down and answer the question.

- Are you?

- Look, I really don't want to talk about this with y'all.

- We don't give a damn.

- Ma, but I do.

I mean, I'd rather have this conversation

with Brandon or somebody,

'cause y'all don't really know what it's like out here.

So, if that's it, can y'all just get out?

Please?

- I'm not one of your little friends, okay?

I will kill your ass and still claim you on my taxes.

So I guess you think sex is what you see on Pornhub, huh?

"Bleached booty holes and shit."

Well, it's not!

When I was your age,

I already had a child and another one in the oven.

So don't try to tell me

I don't know what it is out here, baby,

because I was born out here.

- All right, all right, all right, all right.

Hey, son, apologize to your mother, huh?

- No, fuck him, Terry.

- I'm sorry.

- And don't you ever in your life

Snapchat a condom that small again.

- Are you actually thinking about having sex?

- [sighs] I don't know.

I just--but, you know, I do have questions, though.

- Oh, go ahead, son.

That's what we here for.

- I can ask anything? - Anything you want, son.

- Okay, okay, um...

so what's a clit, and if-- - Oh, hell no.

- I'm sorry I broke his phone.

- If your brother get kidnapped,

you better come up missing, too.

What's going on with you?

- You wouldn't understand. - Why not?

- You don't care about stuff like this.

- Like what? - Racism.

You bought those Paula Deen pots

even after she called us the N-word.

- Child, them pots went from $100 to $20.

That's the best time to buy racism,

when it's on sale.

Hell, I'm still waiting on Rachael Ray to fuck up.

But what do that have to do with this?

- What she said was racist.

- Janelle, just because somebody say something stupid

don't make them racist.

It makes them an asshole.

If you go around punching every asshole you see,

you will be covered in shit.

- It doesn't bother you what they think about us?

- What do they think about us?

- They think we're all unemployed and lazy.

- You are unemployed and lazy. [laughs]

- Ma, I hate it here.

I'm tired of walking around

being the token Black girl all the time.

Every day I wake up, I feel scared to go there.

I mean, whether it's scared of a bullet

or someone's dumb joke, it all feels the same.

- Well, a bullet is hot, but continue.

- I mean, Junebug, he's loving being the token Black guy.

White boys, they want to know where he got his shoes

and what kind of music they should listen to.

He has a way in.

There's no way in for me.

I miss home, Ma.

I miss people actually knowing my name and...

Like, I don't know, okay? I just...

I miss people who get it...

who get me.

- Look, I know you frustrated. I am, too.

Hell, I miss being at a Black beauty salon

where all the bitches are missing their edges.

[both laughing]

But I'm learning home is where your family is.

We blessed.

I pray one day I get a big gig

and get us the fuck up out of here,

but until then, we got to make this place ours

and laugh while we do it.

Sometimes you got to laugh so hard

that it breaks down every mountain

life can put in front of you.

Why do you think I'm a comedian?

- 'Cause you hate climbing mountains

and any other exercise.

- You gonna be all right.

Plus, you love making white people uncomfortable.

Isn't this the place for you?

- I love you. - I love you, too, baby.

Janelle.

You gonna be all right at that school.

- Hey, baby.

Now...

somebody's got something to say.

- Did you teach your daddy what a clit is?

- No.

I just wanted to apologize to Janelle for filming the fight.

I was just trying to show off for my friends,

and I didn't mean to embarrass you like that.

- I accept your apology.

- And?

- And I know you won't do it again.

- What? Ma!

Come on, why are these two still alive?

For real, if I would've done anything they did today,

I'd still be buried in the playground at the projects.

- I can't raise my BlueCross kids

the same way I raised my Medicaid kid.

They got cameras now.

- Oh, hey, man, I just wanted to give you back your condoms

'cause I don't think I'm gonna be using them any time soon.

[laughter]

[doorbell rings] - Damn, it never grew?

- Your dick is still in the third grade?

- [clears throat] - Oh.

How much of that did you hear?

- Hi.

We're the Shaeffers.

- And we're the Carsons, the Fords, and the James.

- [laughs] Well, that's fun.

We live next door, and I just wanted to stop by

and welcome you to the neighborhood.

- Oh, thank you.

Bye-bye.

See, I told y'all all white people ain't bad.

[door closes]

- What the heck is that?

- It look like a one-layer lasagna.

- Ain't that just a noodle?

- Don't hate on our neighbors. I think that was nice of her.

- Nice? She just don't want us to break in they house.

- Well, we might have to if we want them other five layers.

[laughter]

- Hold up. This is a Rachael Ray tray.

This bitch ain't getting this back.

Come on, Denise, where that Chinese food that you stole?

[funky music]

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And you can't get enough

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ With a husband and kids

♪ She's a grown-ass woman

♪ And it's the Ms. Pat Show

♪