Original subtitles

DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

[ Man ] NO, SIR. I'M SORRY.

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS. IT'S MY FIRST DAY. IT WON'T EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

GENTLEMEN, I AM NOT A CHILD, AND I DO NOT WISH TO BE TREATED AS ONE.

IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?

[ All ] YES, SIR! GOOD. NOW, HERE'S THE QUESTION.

IF YOU WENT UP TO ANY BUM IN THE STREET AND ASKED HIM...

WHICH IS THE BIGGEST MOVIE STUDIO IN HOLLYWOOD, WHAT WOULD HE SAY?

- JOE. - WELL, RAINBOW STUDIOS, HOME OF THE STARS.

ALL RIGHT NOW. ALL RIGHT, I DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT BALONEY.

- WES. - OH, I WOULD SAY "WAINBOW." "WAINBOW" STUDIOS.

IT'S THE "WARGEST" AND THE BEST.

SAVE IT. SAVE THAT YES-MAN SHIT. YOU THINK I NEED THIS KIND OF BABYING?

- SVEN. - [ Scandinavian Accent ] RAINBOW. RAINBOW STUDIOS.

I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY QUESTION ABOUT THAT. JA.

JESUS CHRIST! IS THERE NOT ONE HONEST MAN IN THIS ROOM?

OH, UH-- PARAMOUNT, I GUESS.

[ Chuckles ] THAT'S-- THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

[ Laughs ]

UH, I'M JUST CURIOUS. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE RUDOLPH VALENTINO.

SON OF A BITCH! DOG DOO! PEE-PEE BRAIN!

YOU'RE A LYING TRAITOR! DID YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU CACA IN YOUR PANTS FART BLOSSOM! I'LL TEAR YOUR TONGUE OUT!

[ All Shouting ]

I-- THANK YOU. WHAT?

I'M ALL RIGHT. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE THIS WAS A GOOD THING.

GIVES ME A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE. NOW. OH, SAY. DON'T GET TOO CLOSE IN THE MIDDLE HERE.

I HATE WHEN I GET NICKED IN THIS LITTLE PART HERE.

NOW, LET ME THINK, LET ME THINK, LET ME THINK, LET ME THINK, LET ME THINK.

[ Screams ] I'VE GOT IT. NOW LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY.

♪ [ Dramatic ] THE WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY ARE SO SEX-STARVED,

THEY'LL ACCEPT THE FIRST PRETTY FACE THAT COMES ALONG AND MAKE HIM A STAR.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL WILL THEY DO WHEN THEY HEAR THAT RAINBOW STUDIOS...

IS GOING TO FIND THE GREATEST LOVER IN AMERICA?

I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE RUDOLPH VALENTINO...

LOOK LIKE A PART-TIME NURSE.

OH!

OH!

[ Screams ]

♪ [ Band Stops ]

♪ [ Resumes ]

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL GET LOVERS FROM EVERY BIG CITY AND HICK TOWN ON THE MAP...

BECAUSE, GENTLEMEN, I PROMISE YOU THAT WITHIN TWO WEEKS,

EVERY MALE IN AMERICA BETWEEN THE AGES OF 17 AND 55 IS GOING TO STOP FOR A MOMENT...

AND AT LEAST THINK ABOUT COMING TO HOLLYWOOD...

TO SCREEN TEST FOR THE BIGGEST CHANCE OF HIS LIFE.

THE CHANCE TO STAR IN THE NEW RAINBOW STUDIO FILM,

THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER!

NOW, HOW'S THAT FOR AN IDEA?

- GREAT! - [ Wes ] "GWEAT"!

- [ Sven ] GREAT, JUST GREAT! - VERY GOOD!

I MEAN GREAT! [ Sputtering ]

[ Gasps ] TOO LATE!

[ Growls, Shouts ]

[ Crash ]

[ Machinery Gurgling, Twanging ]

- [ Sputters ] - [ Chittering ]

[ Chittering ]

YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE FIRED!

[ Both Chittering ]

I'D LIKE 11 CREAM PUFFS AND THREE OF THESE CHOCOLATE ÉCLAIRS. WAIT!

MAKE THAT THREE CHOCOLATE ÉCLAIRS AND 11 CREAM PUFFS. WAIT!

POOH. WHICH IS LESS FATTENING, THE CHOCOLATE ÉCLAIRS OR THE CREAM PUFFS?

WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU JUST DO TO ME?

MR. KIPPER! MR. KIPPER!

RUDY, I'M TOLD THAT WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS, YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT PEOPLE.

IS THAT TRUE?

MR. KIPPER HERE SAYS THAT WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS,

YOU EITHER STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT PEOPLE OR YOU GET HYSTERICAL LARYNGITIS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

FIBBER! STOP IT!

RUDY, YOU WERE FIRED FROM YOUR LAST JOB FOR DAYDREAMING.

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,

BUT YOU'VE ONLY BEEN WITH US FOR FOUR DAYS.

MR. KIPPER'S BEEN MY MANAGER FOR NINE YEARS. WHY WOULD HE LIE? I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I GET A LITTLE HOARSE SOMETIMES FROM TALKING WITH ALL THE CUSTOMERS...

AND TRYING TO DO MY BEST, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE MEANS ABOUT STICKING MY TONGUE OUT.

THAT'S CRAZY. WHY WOULD I DO A THING LIKE THAT?

HE DID IT! WHEN?

JUST NOW. DID YOU DO IT?

NO. KIPPER? LIES!

RUDY! YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS NOW, ARE YOU?

[ Hoarsely ] NOT AT ALL. WHAT?

[ Normal Voice ] I SAY... NOT AT ALL.

[ Screeches ] WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU DO IT?

NO. KIPPER?

LIES! RUDY!

THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH! I DID NOT DO THAT!

[ Shrieking, Groaning ]

[ Screaming ]

RUDY! FOR THE LAST TIME, DID YOU DO IT?

UH-UH! [ Grunting ]

YOU'RE FIRED!

RUDY, YOU DO STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE WHEN YOU GET NERVOUS,

OR SOMETIMES YOU GET LARYNGITIS JUST FOR A SECOND,

BUT IT WON'T LAST.

THESE ARE JUST LITTLE NERVOUS HABITS BECAUSE YOU'RE SO HIGH-STRUNG.

THEY MEAN NOTHING, EVEN THE THIRD THING.

WHAT?

RUDY, IT'S NOTHING.

- IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH TALKING ABOUT. - WHAT THIRD THING?

- RUDY-- - I JUST WANNA KNOW. WHAT THIRD THING?

WELL, SOMETIMES WHEN YOU GET EXCITED,

YOU TWIST YOUR WORDS AROUND SO THEY DON'T MAKE SENSE.

I DO NOT... TWIST MY WORDS AROUND.

- RUDY, I WOULDN'T MAKE UP A THING LIKE THAT. - I DO NOT DO THAT.

ONCE IN A WHILE. ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME "FART HAILURE"?

I'M GOING CRAZY IN MILWAUKEE!

[ Screams ]

[ Cat Screeches ]

BUT, RUDY-- I DON'T WANNA BE RUDY HICKMAN.

I'M SELLING THE FURNITURE. I'M SELLING THE CAR.

I'M CHANGING MY NAME, AND WE'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD.

- HOLLYWOOD? - YES. I'M GONNA TRY OUT FOR THAT MOVIE CONTEST.

BUT-- BUT, RUDY--

MY UNCLE HARRY KNOWS PEOPLE OUT THERE. HE CAN HELP US.

RUDY, THERE'LL BE THOUSANDS OF MEN. I CAN WIN IT.

THEY'LL BE COMING FROM ALL OVER AMERICA. I CAN WIN IT.

RUDY, THEY'LL BE PROFESSIONALS. I SAID I CAN WIN IT!

NOW LIGHT THE BED TO OUTCOME TURN ON!

[ Switch Clicks ]

[ Man ] LOS ANGELES!

LOS ANGELES, NEXT!

LOS ANGELES!

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

[ Rumbling ]

[ Train Whistle Blows ]

IS THIS MY LITTLE POOPIE?

POOPIE, POOPIE, POOPIE, POOPIE, POOPIE?

GOOD MORNING, MY LITTLE BRIDE.

TIME TO GET UP.

[ Bell Clanging ]

TIME FOR YUM-YUMS.

♪ [ Whistling ]

DARLING.

I SAID NO, YOU FILTHY PIG!

HUH? WHAT?

HMM. MORNING, DARLING.

ARE WE ALMOST THERE? I'LL JUST GO SPLASH SOME WATER ON MY FACE.

[ Train Whistle Blows ]

[ Snickers ]

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Kissing Continues ]

[ Rapid Kisses ]

[ Rapid Kisses ]

[ Train Whistle Blows ]

LOS ANGELES, LAST STOP. LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

HOME OF THE STARS AND LOTS OF FEATURED PLAYERS.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

LOS ANGELES, NEXT!

ARE YOU ALL READY, DEAR?

I'M PLAIN! I'M PLAIN!

I'M A SIMPLE GIRL! I'VE NEVER LEFT MILWAUKEE A DAY IN MY LIFE!

UNCLE HARRY WILL HATE ME! OH, RUDY, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? NOW, STOP IT.

DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE ENOUGH ON MY MIND NOT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF CHILDISHNESS?

IF YOU'RE GONNA GET HYSTERICAL, I WON'T EVEN LET YOU GET OFF THE TRAIN.

NOW JUST CALM DOWN AND STOP ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BABY.

I'M SORRY. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

WHAT TIME IS YOUR SCREEN TEST TOMORROW?

[ Hoarsely ] 4:30. WHAT?

4:3-- OH, NO. HELLO.

OH, DARLING. IT'S NOTHING. TESTING. ONE, TWO, THREE.

IT'S NOTHING. IT'LL GO AWAY. Y-YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT-- YOU'RE NERVOUS.

I'M NOT NERVOUS! YOU GOT--

[ Normal Voice ] Y-YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT ME UPSET.

WE BETTER JUST DROP THE SUBJECT.

DON'T CANNOT WHAT I SAY AND SAY CAN'T TELL ME.

MAYBE WE JUST SHOULDN'T SAY THAT WORD ANYMORE.

WHAT WORD? SCREEN TEST.

[ Hoarsely ] WHY NOT?

RUDY. RUDY, I'M FRIGHTENED.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID YOU WANTED ME TO TRY OUT FOR THIS CONTEST.

WELL, I DO. I DO.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO GET YOUR HEART SET ON WINNING.

DO YOU THINK I WANNA COME IN 13th?

SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST,

SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST!

[ Gasping ] SCREEN TEST AND SCREEN TEST! SCREEN TEST, SCREEN TEST!

[ Normal Voice ] SCREEN TEST! I WILL WIN THAT SCREEN TEST!

NOT BECAUSE I'M THE BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD!

NOT BECAUSE I'M THE SEXIEST MAN IN THE WORLD!

NOT BECAUSE I'M THE MOST HANDSOME MAN IN THE WORLD!

BUT BECAUSE I AM UNIQUE!

[ Men Singing ] ♪ YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES ♪

♪ YOU'RE WONDERFUL TO SEE ♪

♪ YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES ♪

♪ OH WHAT A HIT YOU WOULD BE ♪

♪ YOU SURELY SHOULD SING LIKE BING ♪

♪ IN A WAY THAT IS NONCHALANT ♪ RUDY? RUDY?

♪ YOU'VE GOT MORE THAN BARRYMORE ♪ RUDY. RUDY.

♪ AND WHAT MORE COULD A PERSON WANT ♪ I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE--

♪ YOU OUGHTA SHINE AS BRIGHTLY ♪ RUDY? OH, RUDY. I WAS SCARED THAT--

♪ AS JUPITER AND MARS ♪ OH, SORRY.

♪ YOU OUGHTA BE IN PICTURES ♪

♪ MY STAR OF STARS ♪ RUDY. RUDY.

[ Film Projector Whirring ]

[ Groans ] WHEN'S THE FINAL AUDITION?

FRIDAY, MR. ZITZ.

HOW MANY ROTTENS HAVE WE GOT?

2,300. OH.

HOW MANY FAIRLY ROTTENS?

FAIRLY ROTTENS? YEAH.

FOURTEEN. UH, YEAH, 14.

HAVE WE GOT A "DOESN'T STINK"?

NO, SIR. WE DON'T HAVE ONE "DOESN'T STINK"?

NOT YET, SIR.

[ Whimpering ] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

[ Pounding Back ]

[ No Audio ]

ALL I NEED IS THREE FINALISTS...

AND I CAN'T FIND ONE "DOESN'T STINK"?

MR. ZITZ. WHAT?

LOOK. [ Grunts ]

[ Joe ] LOOK AT THAT FELLOW.

[ Zitz ] OH. HEY.

OOH. OOH. WHO'S THAT?

[ Wes ] HIS NAME IS "WOBERT DWAKE".

OH. NOT BAD. NOT TOO BAD. LOOK.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. I--I THINK THIS BOY HAS GOT SOMETHING. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, NOT TOO BAD. NOT TOO BAD.

HUH. HE'S "WEALLY" NOT TOO BAD, MR. ZITZ.

[ Grunts ] YES, NOT TOO BAD.

YOU. NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL.

HUH? NOT BAD--

NO! YOU! YOU!

WHAT DO YOU THINK? OH. [ Panting ]

[ Stammering ] OH, NO--

WHAT'S THE MATTER? COME ON.

SAY.

[ Man ] I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT FELLOW.

[ Crash ] [ Zitz Screaming ]

ALWAYS RIGHT, AREN'T YOU? [ Growls ]

GOTTA ALWAYS BE RIGHT. [ Growling ]

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF TODAY'S STUFF, ADOLPH? I--

[ Shouting ]

- WANNA HEAR WHAT THEY DID OVER AT PARAMOUNT? - [ Inhales ]

- WHAT? - THEY MADE A PHONOGRAPH RECORD.

[ Muffled ]

WHENEVER THEY HAD THEIR BIG AUDITIONS,

THEY'D HAND OUT THOUSANDS OF PHONOGRAPH RECORDS...

TELLING ALL THE ACTORS EXACTLY WHAT TO DO.

GREAT IDEA, HUH? THAT'S WHY THEY'RE TOP, ZITZY.

THAT IDEA...

STINKS! [ Groaning ]

SURE BEATS THE SHIT WE'VE SEEN TODAY.

[ Grunting, Snorting ]

I'M IN THE UNION. [ Groaning, Sputtering ]

[ Echoing ] GET ME THAT RECORD!

YOU WANNA SIGN FOR THE ROOM, MR. ZITZ?

[ Sputtering ] I WANT 2,000 RECORDS DELIVERED WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS,

AND I'M NOT JUST WHISTLING "DIXIE."

[ Joe ] WHAT KIND OF RECORD, MR. ZITZ?

WHAT-- ROUND! A ROUND ONE! JUST LIKE PARAMOUNT!

OH, JESUS. WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING?

IT'S TOO LONELY UP HERE.

DO I HAVE TO COME UP WITH EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN IDEA MYSELF?

[ Chattering ]

[ Man ] PAGING MR. RUDY VALENTINE. MR. VALENTINE, PLEASE.

PAGING MR. RUDY VALENTINE. I'M PAGING MR. RUDY VALENTINE.

I'M MR. VALENTINE. YOU ARE MR. RUDY VALENTINE?

HOLY SMOKES! THIS REALLY IS MR. RUDY VALENTINE.

YES. YES. [ Whispering ] NOT SO MUCH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THIS IS REALLY MR. RUDY VALENTINE.

YES. YES. [ Whispering ] NOT SO MUCH. NOT SO MUCH.

[ Normal Voice ] THIS IS ANNIE. THIS IS MY COUSIN BUDDY.

HI. HELLO.

- WHERE'S UNCLE HARRY? - HE'S GETTING YOUR PHONOGRAPH RECORD TO PRACTICE WITH.

BY THE WAY, THE STUDIO IS SENDING YOU A GREAT BIG CAR TO PICK YOU UP TOMORROW.

THANK YOU. OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. VALENTINE.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE A VERY FAMOUS STAR IN A FEW WEEKS.

WOW! A $20 BILL!

WHAT A TIP! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

OH, BOY! A $20 TIP FROM A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR!

OH, BOY! HOW DO YOU DO? I AM MR.--

OH, MY. UH, EXCUSE ME. I AM MR.--

OH, MY. YES. AND THIS IS MY WIFE, MRS.--

OH, MY! [ Chuckles ] GOOD.

WELL, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE A ROOM RESERVED UNDER THE NAME OF-- RUDY VALENTINE.

HOW NICE OF YOU TO KNOW-- [ Chuckling ]

KEY FOR MR. VALENTINE, PLEASE. ROOM 203. HE'S IN 814.

203, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

JUST A MINUTE. [ Makes Whooshing Sound ]

THIS WAY, MR. VALENTINE.

[ Snaps Fingers ] SECOND FLOOR.

[ Chuckling, Laughing ]

VOILÀ.

OH, RUDY.

THE SUNKEN LIVING ROOM IS A UNIQUE FEATURE OF OUR HOTEL.

IT'S VERY NICE. THANK YOU.

WE HAVE ONLY FOUR ROOMS LIKE IT,

BUT YOURS OVERLOOKS THE GARDEN TERRACE...

OF OUR BEAUTIFUL DINING ROOM JUST BELOW. [ Kissing Sound ]

AND I ONLY HOPE WITH ALL MY HEART...

THAT YOU FIND IT TO YOUR COMPLETE SATISFACTION.

[ Blows, Kisses ] ANDRE!

[ Makes Whooshing Sound ]

A LITTLE-- [ Pops Mouth ] FOR MADAME?

OH! [ Chuckles ]

AND NOW, I LEAVE YOU.

IF... THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WISH,

DAY OR NIGHT-- [ Snaps Fingers ]

YOU HAVE BUT TO CALL.

À TOUT À L'HEURE.

WE WILL. THANK YOU. [ Door Closes ]

RUDY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

THEY THINK YOU'RE A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR.

WE CAN'T PAY FOR THIS.

OH, MY GOD!

RUDY. RUDY, DID YOU SEE THE BATHROOM?

RUDY, THERE'S SEVEN TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM.

RUDY. RUDY, WE CAN'T AFFORD THIS.

DON'T TALK ABOUT MONEY. BUT, RUDY, WE ONLY HAVE--

MY SOUL IS ON FIRE! DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT MONEY!

♪ [ Dance ]

HEAR THAT MUSIC? YES.

DID YOU SEE THAT BED? YES.

DOES ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR COME TO MIND? YES.

SHALL WE SAY IN 20 SECONDS?

♪ [ Continues ] [ Rudy ] HOLLYWOOD.

- LILLIAN GISH IS IN THOSE HILLS. - WHAT, DARLING?

DID YOU KNOW THAT DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS COMES TO THIS HOTEL FOR LUNCH?

THERE ARE FAMOUS PEOPLE DANCING RIGHT BELOW US, ANNIE, IN THE AFTERNOON.

ANYONE OF THESE LADIES DANCING COULD BE GRETA GAR--

GRETA GAGA-- GRET--

[ Babbling ]

- I WON'T BE A MINUTE. - [ Babbling, Laughing ]

RUDY, I'M READY. [ Grunts ]

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU REALLY GRETA?

NO, MY NAME IS LUDWIG.

[ Exhales ] I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW.

♪ [ Ends ]

[ Chattering ]

YOU KNOW, WHEN A MAN REACHES HIS CLIMAX TOO SOON,

THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING.

[ Clicks Tongue ] IT HAPPENS A LOT WITH VERY PASSIONATE MEN.

WELL-- I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THOSE THINGS, RUDY.

YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN I'VE EVER BEEN WITH.

♪ [ Orchestra: Waltz ]

DID YOU REALIZE THAT OUR BED IS RIGHT ABOVE THIS TABLE?

[ Laughs ] NO.

- WHAT NUMBER ARE WE UP TO? - WE JUST FINISHED NUMBER SEVEN.

I'D LIKE TO TRY...

NUMBER EIGHT.

♪ [ Fades ]

[ Rudy ] RIGHT. START NUMBER THREE.

GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. MORE THREE, MORE THREE, MORE THREE, AND...

NUMBER FOUR.

ANNIE, DON'T STOP THREE. JUST ADD NUMBER FOUR. I'M SORRY.

[ Rudy ] DON'T EVER STOP THREE. THREE GOES ON ALL THE TIME.

NOW LISTEN TO ME, HONEY. I WANT YOU TO START... NUMBER SEVEN.

UH-UH. DON'T ARGUE, ANNIE. JUST GO RIGHT INTO SEVEN.

NUMBER FIVE... AND SEVEN! NUMBER FIVE... AND SE--

ANNIE, YOU'RE STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE. WHAT HAPPENED TO SIX?

[ Rudy ] I'LL DO SIX. DON'T TALK ABOUT SIX.

JUST GO FROM FIVE DIRECTLY INTO SEVEN. YOU UNDERSTAND?

[ Annie ] ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY. GOOD. GET READY.

WE'RE GONNA TRY FOR NUMBER EIGHT. YOU'RE KIDDING.

DON'T GET NERVOUS. JUST PRETEND IT'S LIKE ANY OTHER NIGHT. AND... NOW!

[ Bed Squeaking ] [ Rudy Laughing ] YES! GOOD! THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!

[ Annie ] ARE WE DOING NUMBER EIGHT? CLOSE. YOU'RE VERY CLOSE.

NOW TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS. WHAT?

ANNIE, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.

I DON'T-- HOW DO I TAKE OFF MY SHOES AND SOCKS? JUST DO IT!

[ Squeaking Continues ] IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I JUST STOP NUMBER THREE FOR A SECOND?

YOU NEVER STOP THREE! THREE GOES ON ALL THE TIME.

HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT?

[ Annie ] WHAT HAPPENS AT SIX? TO HELL WITH SIX.

[ Rapid Squeaking ] WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT SIX?

IS THIS IT? I LOVE YOU, ANNIE.

IS THIS IT? I LOVE YOU, ANNIE. I LOVE YOU.

ARE WE DOING NUMBER EIGHT? YES, THIS IS. THIS IS IT.

[ Moaning ] YEAH. YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

[ Imitates Foghorn ]

♪ AIN'T IT KINDA WONDERFUL ♪ [ Clears Throat ]

♪ AIN'T IT KINDA FUN ♪

♪ AIN'T IT KINDA CHILLING ♪

♪ WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE THRILLING HIM ♪

♪ AND HE IS FILLING YOU WITH ALL THE DREAMS ♪

♪ THAT YOU HAD EVER HOPED ♪

♪ WOULD COME TRUE ♪

♪ BOO, BOO, BOO, BOO ♪

♪ AIN'T IT KINDA MARVELOUS ♪

♪ AH, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S SWELL ♪

♪ WHEN YOU FIND THE PERFECT LOVER ♪

♪ WHO ADORES YOU SO MUCH MORE ♪

♪ THAN ANY OTHER MAN YOU'VE WANTED ♪

♪ AND IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT A DREAM AT ALL ♪

♪ THE ONLY THING HE WANTS ♪

♪ IS YOU ♪

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ Ends ]

[ Annie's Voice ] DEAR RUDY, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR THREE MONTHS,

AND I FEEL AS IF I'M DYING.

MY LIFE HAS GONE SOMEWHERE WITHOUT ME.

RUDOLPH VALENTINO HAS ASKED ME TO JOIN HIM.

I THINK HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME, RUDY.

I CAN'T LIVE BY THE NUMBERS.

I LOVE YOU. ANNIE.

[ Faucet Running ]

[ Continues ]

[ Chattering ]

- WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? - TOMASO ABALONE. HE'S THE HOTEL MANAGER.

WHERE DO I FIND HIM? RIGHT OVER THERE, SIR.

THANK YOU.

- WHO DO I ASK FOR? - ABALONE.

[ Bell Rings ] I'D LIKE ABALONE.

YES, SIR. RIGHT HERE. WHERE?

HERE. SO WHERE'S ABALONE?

I'M ABALONE. YOU'RE ABALONE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WERE THREE BEARS. PARDON ME?

WHAT DID YOU DO? WHEN?

HOW DO I KNOW? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

BY PRACTICING CONSTANTLY. PRACTICING WHAT?

WHATEVER YOU WANT. I CAN'T LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT? GIVE ME A HINT.

WHO ARE YOU, SIR? I'M FINE. NOW WHERE'S ABALONE?

I'M ABALONE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE HOTEL MANAGER.

I AM THE HOTEL MANAGER! YOU'RE THE HOTEL MANAGER AND ABALONE?

THAT'S RIGHT. GOOD.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL MR. RUDY VALENTINE...

THAT UNCLE HARRY IS DOWNSTAIRS WAITING.

AND YOU ARE, SIR? NO, I'M UNCLE HARRY.

AH, IT'S YOU. GESUNDHEIT!

THIS GUY COULD DRIVE YOU NUTS!

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Groans ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

HELLO?

- AUNT TILLIE AND UNCLE HARRY ARE HERE. - [ Screams ]

I THINK HE WAS TICKLED PINK. IT'S ROOM 203. THE ELEVATOR'S JUST OVER THERE.

ANNIE!

[ Faucet Running ]

[ Faucet Shuts Off ]

ANNIE!

GUESS WHO'S HERE?

HELLO, AUNT TILLIE. HELLO, UNCLE HARRY.

[ Laughs ] CLOSE THE DOOR.

[ Rudy ] HI, REENIE. HI, MAX. [ Chuckles ]

IS YOUR WIFE HERE, RUDY? WE'D LOVE TO MEET HER.

OH, SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

A-AUNT TILLIE AND UNCLE HARRY ARE HERE, DARLING.

[ Falsetto ] OH. SAY HELLO FOR ME.

[ Normal Voice ] SHE SAYS TO SAY HELLO.

CAN YOU COME OUT FOR A-- JUST ONE MOMENT, DEAR?

[ Falsetto ] OH, I JUST GOT IN THE TUB.

I'D LIKE TO FRESHEN UP A BIT AND THEN MEET YOU LATER. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

[ Normal Voice ] SHE JUST WENT INTO THE BATHTUB.

SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO FRESHEN UP A BIT AND THEN JOIN US LATER. IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?

CERTAINLY, CERTAINLY. SHE-- SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CHARMING GIRL.

HERE ARE YOUR THINGS, DEAR.

HERE. OH! [ Chuckles ]

OH, I LOVE YOU TOO. I--

OH, DARLING, THAT FEELS-- I LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU--

I-- [ Chuckles, Kisses ]

MMM.

WELL-- [ Clears Throat ] HOW ARE YOU, RUDY?

[ Laughs ]

W-- WONDERFUL! WONDERFUL!

OH, GOD! I'M SO HAPPY!

LOOK. HOW DO YOU LIKE MY SWIMMING POOL?

OH, I-- ISN'T THIS SOMETHING?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A LITTLE DIP?

HA. HE'S ON THE BORDERLINE.

OOH. OH, THIS-- THIS IS DELIGHTFUL.

THERE ARE ONLY FOUR ROOMS LIKE THIS IN THE WHOLE HOTEL.

NO KIDDING? GET IN THE WATER.

- [ Laughs ] - NOW COME ON, ALL OF YOU. IN THE WATER!

IN THE WATER. STAY AWAY FROM THE DEEP END UNLESS YOU'RE WITH A GROWN-UP.

OH, BOY. [ Chuckles ]

THIS IS THE LIFE. [ Laughs ]

YOU HAVING FUN, RUDY? WONDERFUL. WONDERFUL.

[ Uncle Harry ] GOOD, GOOD. OH, WELL.

BY THE BY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT YOUR SCREEN TEST?

NOT TOO NERVOUS, ARE YOU? NO. NO, I'M FINE.

THAT'S A BOY. WELL, CAN'T STAY THAT LONG. THAT'S ENOUGH FOR THE FIRST DAY.

I JUST WANTED TO DROP BY AND BRING YOU THE RECORD FROM RAINBOW STUDIOS.

- A RECORD? - ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY OUT NOW.

[ Both ] AW!

I SAID OUT! LOOK AT YOU. YOUR LIPS ARE TURNING BLUE.

OH. IF THE HOTEL DOESN'T HAVE A PHONOGRAPH,

- THERE'S A LIBERTY SHOP JUST AROUND THE CORNER. - THANKS.

THAT WAS REFRESHING. THAT-- THAT REALLY HIT THE SPOT.

I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU AT 12:30. ALL RIGHT, RUDY?

- YES, UNCLE HARRY. - KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

OH, UH-- BYE, ANNIE.

[ Falsetto ] BYE-BYE.

SHE'S LOVELY. GOT A LOVELY GIRL THERE.

YOU'RE A LUCKY FELLOW, RUDY. SEE YOU AT 12:30? OKAY.

[ Door Closes, Opens ]

RELAX!

[ Door Closes ]

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, MADAME.

WE HAVE ONLY THE FINEST CLIENTELE: KINGS, QUEENS--

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HOTEL YOU RUNNIN' HERE? IT'S TOO HOT, YOU HEAR ME?

TOO GODDAMN HOT! [ Laughing ]

I'LL HAVE YOUR... BAG SENT UP RIGHT AWAY.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME, PLEASE? WHOO! [ Crashes ]

HEY, HEY. HEY!

HEY, WHERE YOU-- WHERE YOU GOIN', HONEY?

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE MR. VALENTINO. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PLEASE?

EXCUSE ME, DEAR. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I HAVE TO CHECK IT ON THE LIST. BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S ON THERE.

I CAN'T LET YOU IN UNLESS IT IS, MA'AM. OH?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME YOUR NAME? MAYBE IT IS ON THE LIST.

MRS. VALEN-- MRS. VALEN, VALEN, VALEN--

TINE! MRS. TINE. MRS. TI--

WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS? WHAT?

MRS. VALENTINO.

MRS. VALENTINO? DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS MRS. VALENTINO?

YES.

OH, WELL, IT'S-- GEEZ, SORR--

DO YOU MIND IF I JUST MAKE A PHONE CALL? I JUST HAVE TO--

OH, THE HELL WITH IT. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

HE'S USUALLY ON STAGE 6. [ Truck Engine Starts ]

THANK YOU.

OH, GOOD. YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

UM, THERE SEEMS TO BE A SMALL LEAK IN THE BATHROOM.

I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE KIND ENOUGH...

TO HAVE IT FIXED BY THE TIME I GET BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. [ Chuckles ]

OH, WAITER. MAY WE HAVE SOME WATER, PLEASE?

CERTAINLY, SIR. [ Snaps Fingers ]

UH-- I-I-- CLEAN UP THIS MESS!

[ Snaps Fingers ] [ Screams ]

[ Man ] NO MESS. NO MESS. PLEASE, NO MESS. THAT'S IT.

COME ON. COME ON. KEEP MOVIN'. KEEP MOVIN'. [ Horse Whinnies ]

NICE. NICE AND EASY NOW. NO MESS. NO MESS.

EXCUSE ME? WHAT IS IT, LADY?

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I COULD FIND RUDOLPH VALENTINO?

HE COULD BE ANYWHERE AROUND HERE, LADY.

HE'S PROBABLY GETTIN' READY TO GO. [ Donkey Brays ]

YOU GOT A BIG ASS, CHICO, PLUS TWO HORSES COMIN', SO LEAVE SOME ROOM.

GO WHERE? COME ON. COME-- WHAT?

GO WHERE? GETTING READY TO GO WHERE? LOCATION.

AW-- JESUS! THEY'RE SHITTING ON THE TURBANS!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? [ Man ] WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

DON'T LET 'EM SHIT ON THE TURBANS! GET 'EM OUT OF THERE!

WHAT ARE YOU YELLIN' AT ME FOR? I'M NOT THE TURBAN MAN. I'M THE ASS MAN.

ALL RIGHT. HOLD YOUR HORSES NOW. EXCUSE ME.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. I'M FED UP WITH THIS BUSINESS! OH, EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, WHERE IS THAT? WHERE IS WHAT?

[ Donkey Brays ] THE LOCATION.

HONEY, ARE YOU PACKED AND READY TO GO? YES.

GOOD. THEN TAKE YOUR BAG AND GET ON THE BUS.

JUST TAKE YOUR BAG AND GO ON THE BLUE BUS.

THEY'LL TAKE YOU THERE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR ASS, CHICO. I'M NOT KIDDIN'. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR LIP.

[ Hoofbeats ] [ Horse Whinnies ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man On Record ] GENTLEMEN, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR...

MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS EVER SPOKEN TO YOU IN YOUR LIFETIMES.

PRETEND THAT YOU ARE IN MAKEUP AND COSTUME.

OPPOSITE YOU IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

YOUR FIRST DIRECTION: LOOK AT HER WITH LOVE IN YOUR EYES.

NOW LOOK AT HER WITH LOVE JUST IN YOUR LEFT EYE.

NOW SWITCH THE LOVE FROM YOUR LEFT EYE...

TO YOUR RIGHT EYE.

ALL RIGHT. NOW LET SEX OOZE FROM YOUR SHOULDERS.

KEEP LETTING IT OOZE. KEEP LETTING IT OOZE.

NOW LET IT OOZE RIGHT DOWN YOUR CHEST.

NOW SAY, "HI. FEEL LIKE A DANCE?"

[ Rudy ] HI! FEEL LIKE A DANCE?

[ Man On Record ] YOU LEAN DOWN NEXT TO HER.

YOUR LIPS ARE TWO INCHES FROM HERS.

SHE OPENS HER MOUTH TEASINGLY, AND THEN SHE...

SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE!

NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO? [ Mouths Words ]

YOU LAUGH. [ Laughs ]

YOU LAUGH AGAIN. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

ALL RIGHT, NOW SHOW US WHAT A REAL LOVER CAN DO.

♪ [ "You Oughta Be In Pictures" ]

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ Ends ]

♪ SOME DAY LOVE MAY PAY A VISIT ♪

♪ AND LEAVE A LITTLE SOUVENIR ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE CUTE WHAT-IS-IT ♪

♪ BUT WE'LL DISCUSS THAT LATER, DEAR ♪

♪ FOR A LITTLE SILVER QUARTER WE CAN HAVE THE PULLMAN PORTER ♪

♪ TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW ♪

♪ OH OH OH OFF WE'RE GONNA SHUFFLE ♪

♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO ♪

♪ OH OH OH OH I'LL GO HOME AND GET MY PANTIES ♪

♪ YOU GO HOME AND GET YOUR SCANTIES AND AWAY WE'LL GO ♪

♪ OH OH OH OFF WE'RE GONNA SHUFFLE ♪

♪ SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO ♪

[ Forced Laughter ]

RUDY VALENTINE!

YOU'RE NEXT, MR. VALENTINE.

COME ON IN.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

CUT! I MEAN, UH--

WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT? I'M SORRY.

I MEAN, UH, HELLO!

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MR. RUDY? UH, NO-- MR. RUDY VAL--

RUDY VALENTINE, RIGHT? HA, HA! DID YOU GET A RECORD TO PLAY WITH?

I MEAN, DID YOU GET A RECORD TO PRACTICE WITH TODAY? GOOD.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT THE FINAL AUDITION?

OKAY. NOW, I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO TO MISS ANNE CALASSANDRO,

WHO IS GONNA BE YOUR ACTING PARTNER TODAY.

[ New Jersey Accent ] HI. HOW ARE YA?

RUDY, I WANT YOU TO WAIT OUTSIDE THAT DOOR THERE.

OKAY, NOW, UH--

AH! WHEW.

NOW, RUDY, WHEN I SAY THE WORD "ACTION,"

I WANT YOU TO COME THROUGH THE DOOR.

I WANT YOU TO LOOK THIS ROOM AND GIVE IT A ONCE-OVER.

AND--

RUDY? WOULD YOU COME IN HERE, PLEASE?

LOOK, WHEN I SAY THE WORD "ACTION,"

I WANT YOU TO COME INTO THE ROOM, GIVE THE ROOM THE ONCE-OVER,

AND I WANT YOU TO WALK STRAIGHT TO MISS ANNE CALASSANDRO.

IS THAT GOOD FOR YOU? GOOD. GET READY.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A HELLO.

UH, NO, NO. IT'S NOT A HELLO.

IT'S UH, UH--

IT'S A TAKE!

[ Director ] WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO!

ALL RIGHT, SLATE IT. WHOO-HOO!

4,011? YES, SIR.

I DID 4,011 SCREEN TESTS THIS WEEK? YES, SIR.

I THOUGHT I DID 4,018 SCREEN TESTS. NO, SIR. IT'S 4,011.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING TRACK. WE'RE FALLING BEHIND AGAIN?

YES, SIR, I'M AFRAID WE ARE. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO BIG DEAL. KISS ME. I BEG YOUR PARDON?

KISS ME.

GOOD. ARE WE SLATED? YES, SIR.

OKAY, LET'S GET ROLLING. IF THIS JERK CAN ACT, I'LL EAT CAMEL SHIT.

OKAY, MR. VALENTINE. ABOVE ALL, JUST RELAX AND HAVE FUN.

THAT'S THE SECRET TO THE WHOLE THING.

OKAY? AND...

ACTION!

I SAID ACTION, MR. VALENTINE.

ALL RIGHT, GIVE THE ROOM A QUICK ONCE-OVER.

INTERESTING. ALL RIGHT, NOW WALK OVER TO THE SLAVE GIRL.

THAT'S IT. LOOK AT HER.

THIS IS THE WOMAN WHO HAS JUST BROKEN YOUR HEART.

ANNIE! HE'S COMING NEARER--

THIS MAN WHO SAW YOU ONLY AS A LITTLE TOY, WITHOUT FEELINGS.

RUDY, LOOK AT HER SHOULDERS.

HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU KISS THOSE NAKED SHOULDERS?

AND THOSE BABY CHEEKS?

THE INNOCENT BLOOM AROUND THAT ANGEL FACE?

AND THE BREASTS!

BUT HOW MANY OTHERS HAVE PLAYED WITH THOSE SAME BREASTS?

SQUISHED THEM WITH THEIR SWEATY PALMS?

AND HOW DOES SHE REPAY YOU? BY RUNNING OFF WITH ANOTHER MAN.

ANNIE, LOOK AT HIM. BURN HIM WITH YOUR CONTEMPT.

RUDY, DON'T LET HER KNOW THAT YOUR HEART IS BREAKING IN HALF.

INSTEAD, YOU'RE COOL-- BLASÉ.

YOU SAY, "HI. MY NAME IS FELIX. FEEL LIKE A DANCE?"

NOW, GO AHEAD, RUDY-- JUST AS CASUAL AS CAN BE.

WHORE! HEY! WHAT THE F-- [ Moans ]

TELLING ME, VALENTINO, YOU WANT TO RUDOLPH YOUR TOUCH TITTIES!

HEY, THIS GUY HAS LOST HIS M-- [ Moans ]

YOU WANNA DO NUMBER EIGHT WITH RUDOLPH VALENTINO?

ALL RIGHT, MORE SEVEN. MORE SEVEN. MORE SEVEN.

NOW! GOOD! YES!

I LOVE YOU, ANNIE-- AND EIGHT. EIGHT!

EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT! [ Moaning ]

I WANT THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO LET THIS FRUITCAKE ONTO MY SET.

[ All Shouting ]

I WANT THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO LET THIS FRUITCAKE ON MY SET!

[ All Shouting ]

I WANT THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO LET THIS FRUITCAKE ONTO MY SET!

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD BOY-- SUCH A NICE BOY.

IF EVERYONE KNEW HOW MUCH MONEY...

YOU GIVE TO MY POOR LITTLE CHURCH--

GRAZIE MILLE. GRAZIE MILLE, BAMBINO.

GRAZIE.

BUT YOU ARE SO MODEST.

NO WONDER ALL THE GIRLS LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

NO. NO. TOO MANY PRETTY GIRLS.

SOMEONE MUST HAVE SEEN YOU COME IN THIS WAY.

WE MUST GO THROUGH THE CHAPEL. SHH!

[ Whispering ] COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

GO OUT THROUGH THE LITTLE DOOR NEXT TO SAINT ANTHONY.

GO AHEAD. GO. GO.

[ Rudy Mumbling ] I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IT WAS ALL RIGHT, THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOT ANYMORE.

[ Shouting ] VALENTINO!

I THINK OF MY LITTLE ANNIE LYING DOWN NEXT TO RUDOLPH VALENTINO,

AND HE'S KISSING HER SO SOFTLY--

THE WAY I NEVER COULD--

AND I THINK TO MYSELF, [ Sighs ]

"WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS--

I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!"

[ Sobbing ] OH, GOD.

FORGIVE ME.

I JUST WANT TO DIE.

PLEASE HELP ME.

SHOW ME SOME SIGN.

JUST ONE SIGNAL...

THAT YOU HEAR ME.

[ Whispering ] THANKS.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

OH, I WANTED TO SOCK YOU! SOCK, SOCK, SOCK, SOCK, SOCK!

BAM! THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

PUNCH YOUR STOMACH AND KNOCK YOUR HEAD--

I WANNA-- POW, POW, POW, POW, POW, POW, POW!

[ Ranting ]

[ Moaning ]

OH, GOD! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I CAN'T-- [ Whimpering ]

GOD IN HEAVEN, HELP ME!

[ Babbling ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Firecrackers Popping ]

[ Popping Continues ]

[ Man ] HEY! IS YOUR NAME ANNIE HICKMAN?

YES.

MR. VALENTINO WANTS TO SEE YOU. WHO?

RUDOLPH VALENTINO. WHAT ARE YOU, AN EXTRA?

- YES. - IT'S THAT GREAT BIG TENT WITH ALL THE STRIPES.

THANK YOU! HEY!

WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY WARDROBE AND GET YOURSELF A PRETTY COSTUME?

- WHERE DO I GO? - TO WARDROBE-- THAT BIG TENT ON YOUR LEFT.

THANK YOU.

HEY!

I THINK YOU'D BETTER TELL THEM TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING SEXY TO WEAR.

THANK YOU!

THAT'S OKAY, HONEY. THIS COULD BE YOUR LUCKY NIGHT.

[ Man ] IS THAT AS MUCH AS YOU GOT? WHAT?

[ Man #2 ] THAT'S FULL FLOOD. OKAY, SPOT IT.

OH. [ Chuckles ] THANK YOU.

[ Man ] WHERE YOU GOIN', HONEY?

MR. VALENTINO'S TENT. STRAIGHT AHEAD, SWEETHEART.

JUST KEEP GOIN' STRAIGHT AHEAD. THANK YOU.

[ Groaning ]

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Man ] HI.

HI.

MR. VALENTINO HAS BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

COME IN, WON'T YOU?

MAKE YOURSELF TO HOME.

♪ [ Romantic Pop ]

[ Hoofbeats ]

[ Cloth Ripping ] ♪ [ Violin Scratches ]

♪ [ Resumes ]

[ Falsetto ] HELLO. I'M RUDY VALENTINO. HOW YA BEEN?

FINE, THANK YOU.

SAY, WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT ME SO MUCH, HUH?

I MEAN, I JUST WANT TO KNOW.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN A WOMAN'S HEART.

YEAH, I GOT THAT,

BUT, UH, YOU'RE FORGETTING ONE VERY BIG THING.

- WHAT'S THAT? - I'M A SISSY BOY.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

OH, YEAH. I LIKE-- I LIKE A NICE GUY SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW? IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

- YOU? - OH, SURE.

THAT CAN'T BE TRUE. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

OH, NO? YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, HUH?

WATCH THIS.

OH, SAY, UH, HANDSOME?

COME ON OUT HERE A MINUTE, WOULD YOU?

LET'S SEE ONE OF YOUR LEGS. ♪ [ Scratches ]

COME ON. LET'S HAVE A LITTLE PEEK.

OH, BOY!

LOOK AT THOSE GAMS.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL GOOD-LOOKING.

THAT CAN'T BE TRUE. PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE ONLY TEASING ME.

MM-MMM!

SAY, WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT, HONEY?

MAYBE WE COULD MEET LATER FOR A LITTLE SNACK? [ Wolf Whistle ]

[ Whinnying ]

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[ Normal Voice ] ANNIE! WHAT HAPPENED? OH, MY GOD!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

[ Falsetto ] I SAY...

"ANNIE, UH, WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, MY GOD." TAKE ME.

WHERE?

DON'T TEASE ME.

I KNOW YOU LIKE GIRLS.

YOU LOVE THEM, DON'T YOU?

MAYBE TWO, THREE TIMES A YEAR, BUT THAT WOULD BE TOPS.

DON'T FOOL ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE?

OH-- [ Scratchy Voice ] I MEAN-- I MEAN, WHO?

[ Normal Voice ] I MEAN, UH, WHO?

[ Voice Modulating ] I MEAN, UH, WHO? NO, I MEAN--

YES. YES. I MEAN, UH, WHO?

YOU'RE THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

AREN'T YOU?

AREN'T YOU?

[ Falsetto ] YOU MUST'VE HAD OTHER MEN...

WHO GAVE YOU HAPPINESS.

- NO. - YOU MEAN, THERE WASN'T ONE TIME...

IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE...

WHEN SOMEONE...

MADE YOU H-HAPPY IN-- IN THAT WAY?

NEVER.

[ Breathy Voice ] YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I WANT.

[ Irregular Breathing ]

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? [ Screams ]

NO! STOP, PLEASE! OH, MY GOD!

I CHANGED MY MIND. [ Whimpers ]

THIS ISN'T WHAT I EXPECTED.

[ Screaming ] NO!

OH, DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, HAVE MERCY ON ME!

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunts, Groans ]

♪ [ Humming ]

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE...

I EVER HAD IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE-MAKING MEANT BEFORE.

IS IT LIKE THAT FOR YOU ALL THE TIME?

[ Falsetto ] MM-MMM. MM-MMM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD EVER KNOW...

SO MUCH ABOUT WOMEN.

I LOVE YOU, RUDY.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

I SAID I LOVE YOU, MR. VALENTINO.

HELLO.

[ Falsetto ] HELLO. [ Loud Bong ]

YES, SIR. WE WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO SIGNAL.

BRING HIM RIGHT OVER HERE, BOYS. OVER HERE.

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

NOW, MR. VALENTINO, YOU TAKE THE WEIGHT OFF YOUR FEET.

RELAX, AND WE'RE GONNA FIX YOU RIGHT UP.

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

OKAY, YOUNG LADY, TIME TO GO HOME NOW.

MR. VALENTINO'S GOTTA GET READY TO ACT IN THE MOVING PICTURES.

OH, SAY, TODAY'S YOUR BIG SCENE WHEN YOU KILL ALL THE BAD GUYS,

AIN'T IT, MR. VALENTINO?

OH, MISS? YOUNG LADY GIRL?

MR. VALENTINO CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU NO MORE.

YOU GOTTA GO HOME NOW. MR. VALENTINO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE JUST--

GO ON, HONEY. THERE'S SOME NICE HOT COFFEE OUTSIDE.

A FEW MINUTES AGO WE JUST-- [ Slap ]

- YOU SAID-- - OH, MR. VALENTINO, THAT PRETTY GIRL...

YOU WANTED TO SEE ABOUT A SPECIALTY BIT?

SHE'LL BE IN YOUR TENT AS SOON AS WE BREAK FOR LUNCH.

MR. VALENTINO, I-- ♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA, LA-LA LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

OKAY, COME ON. COME ON, MR. HICKMAN. HURRY UP NOW.

MR. VALENTINO'S BEEN WAITING TO COME IN HERE ALL MORNING.

NOT NICE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM.

HERE'S YOUR CLOTHES. HEY, GIOVANNI.

TELL MR. VALENTINO HE CAN COME BACK TO HIS TENT,

AND I'LL GET SOME WATER FOR HIS BATH.

HURRY, MR. HICKMAN. HURRY!

♪ [ Whistling ]

ARE YOU A HITCHHIKER?

HOP IN, TOOTS.

I'M GOING DOWNTOWN L.A. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

YOU SURE ARE A CUTE LITTLE HITCHHIKER.

[ Tires Squeal ]

[ Film Projector Whirring ]

[ Zitz ] THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE A CREEP.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME. WE GOT TWO BEAUTIES SO FAR.

IF WE FIND ONE MORE GUY IN THE REST OF TODAY'S JUNK...

THAT WE ALL AGREE I REALLY LOVE, OKAY.

IF NOT, WE GO INTO THE FINALS WITH JUST THE TWO ACTORS WE'VE GOT.

[ Chuckles ] AND BELIEVE ME, I WOULDN'T--

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

[ No Audio ]

[ Projector Stops ]

[ Coughs ]

DORSEY.

I, UH-- I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. GOT IN BY ACCIDENT.

AS I UNDERSTAND IT, UH, THE MAN WAS JUST LAST WEEK...

RELEASED FROM AN INSANE ASYLUM.

BUT, THAT POOR DEVIL-- IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER, I KNOW. [ Kissing ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EMBARRASSING. WHAT CAN I SAY?

IT WAS TERRIBLE, MR. ZITZ.

TERRIBLE.

TERRIBLE. JUST TERRIBLE.

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE.

WELL, UH, TERRIBLE.

WERE YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING? NO.

NO, UH, IT WAS TERRIBLE.

PLEASE.

YOU STARTED TO SAY SOMETHING.

I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH TO HEAR IT.

OH, MR. ZITZ, I--

I-I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS. IT'S, UH--

IT'S JUST THAT, UH--

WELL, IT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT, UH, YOU--

WELL, THESE GENTLEMEN-- THEY-THEY KNOW WHAT I'M--

THEY HAVE THE AUTHORITY HERE.

[ Sighs, Slurps ]

I-I-- I'M NOT EVEN IN THE UNION YET.

I'M NEW HERE, AND, UH--

ANYWAY, I LIKED HIM.

[ Whining ]

I LOVE THIS MAN!

I WANT THIS MAN BY MY SIDE...

SIXTEEN HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

IS THAT UNDERSTOOD? [ Executives ] YES, SIR!

OH! [ Chuckles ]

JOE, MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH HIS FAMILY.

GENTLEMEN!

ONE OF THE THREE ACTORS WE SAW THIS WEEK...

IS GOING TO BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

NOW LET'S GET READY FOR THE FINALS.

[ Woman ] GET IN LINE.

HEY!

WE WAS HERE FIRST.

GET IN LINE.

- SIX DOLLARS. - [ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Spanish ]

HOW MUCH? ONLY FIVE DOLLARS.

FIVE DOLLARS? [ Chuckles ]

YOU OUGHT TO BUY YOURSELF A MIRROR.

[ Spanish ]

- HOW MUCH? - THREE NINETY-FIVE.

BARGAIN DAY!

YOU GIVING AWAY FREE DISHES TOO?

AY, MAMA-- AY, MAMA--

[ Spanish ] HOW MUCH?

EIGHT DOLLARS.

EIGHT DOLLARS? EIGHT DOLLARS?

JESUS CHRIST! NOBODY'S WORTH EIGHT DOLLARS.

I WOULDN'T GIVE EIGHT DOLLARS TO THE QUEEN OF SHEBA.

[ Spanish ]

SEÑORITA.

HOW MUCH?

$2,000.

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR $2,000?

I COULD DO NUMBER EIGHT.

NUMBER EIGHT?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE SAMPLE OF NUMBER EIGHT?

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WORTH $2,000.

AIN'T YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE FOR ME?

[ Speaking Spanish ] [ Growls ]

- [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Women Screaming ]

I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE! NOWHERE! I GOT TO WORK!

[ Yelling ]

- [ Cell Door Slams Shut ] - ♪ [ Woman Singing In Spanish ]

[ Man With Cockney Accent ] IS THAT HER?

WE FOUND YOUR HUSBAND FOR YOU, LADY.

ALL RIGHT, MISTER. SHE'S ALL YOURS.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME CLOTHES.

I RAN OFF WITH RUDOLPH VALENTINO.

I MADE LOVE WITH HIM IN HIS TENT,

AND HE THREW ME OUT.

THEY WERE RIGHT TO SEND ME HERE.

I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, RUDY. I PROMISE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY DECENT THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

IF YOU COULD JUST GIVE ME ENOUGH MONEY TO GET BACK TO MILWAUKEE--

FORGIVE ME. FORGIVE ME, ANNIE, PLEASE.

FORGIVE ME. WHAT?

FORGIVE ME, PLEASE.

[ Running Footsteps ] [ Abalone ] MR. VALENTINE! MR. VALENTINE!

OH, MR. VALENTINE!

MR. VALENTINE, I JUST SPOKE WITH MR. ADOLPH ZITZ.

YOU'RE IN THE FINAL AUDITION FOR THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

RAINBOW STUDIO ARE TRYING TO REACH YOU ALL NIGHT.

- OH. HELLO, MADAME. - HELLO.

PARDON ME.

ARE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF REHEARSING A LITTLE SCENE?

YES.

HOO! [ Laughs ] CHARMING.

MR. ZITZ CALLED ME EARLY THIS MORNING--

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

SAY, WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

MR. VALENTINE, IT'S JUST YOU AND TWO OTHER GENTLEMEN.

I SAID, WHO ARE YOU, SIR? NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU SAID, "SAY, WHO ARE YOU?" WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

SAID, "WHO ARE YOU?" SAY, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

ALL RIGHT. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I SAID, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, MISTER? YOU DID NOT.

YOU SAID, "SAY, 'WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?'" AND WHAT DID YOU SAY?

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" SAY, YOU BETTER GIVE ME YOUR NAME, MISTER.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

"YOU BETTER GIVE ME YOUR NAME, MISTER."

WHAT KIND OF HELL...

OF CRAZY PEOPLE AROUND HERE?

[ Rudy ] YOU MEAN THIS FIRST LAMPPOST?

RIGHT AROUND HERE, STAGE 14.

PLEASE. NO, NO, NO. I MUSTN'T.

RUDY, I KNOW YOU. YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.

I'LL BE SO NERVOUS, I'LL JUST MAKE YOU MORE NERVOUS.

[ Man ] YOU'RE LATE, MR. VALENTINE.

IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.

YOU'LL BE AT THE HOTEL? I'LL BE AT THE HOTEL.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

THEY'RE WAITING, MR. VALENTINE.

BYE-BYE. BYE-BYE.

SEE YOU AT THE HOTEL. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE HOTEL.

RUDY?

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. I PROMISE.

[ Laughs ]

EXCUSE ME. I WON'T BE A MOMENT.

DO YOU HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER I COULD WRITE A NOTE ON, PLEASE?

SURE, DEAR. JUST A SECOND.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IF YOU HAVE TO PEE, DO IT NOW,

BECAUSE IN A COUPLE OF-- [ Footsteps ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

BECAUSE IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

YOU'RE ALL GOING TO SEE THREE AUDITIONS.

RIGHT AFTER THE LAST AUDITION, I'M GOING TO PICK THE WINNER,

AND THEN, JUST AS I PROMISED YOU,

YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH THE WINNER...

FILM HIS VERY FIRST SCENE FROM RAINBOW STUDIOS'...

NEW SPECTACULAR FILM,

THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW TAKE A LOOK AT THESE THREE FACES.

HERE THEY ARE-- THE THREE CONTESTANTS.

EXAMINE THEM CLOSELY.

FORM YOUR OWN OPINIONS, BECAUSE, IN A LITTLE WHILE,

ONE OF THESE THREE MEN IS GOING TO BE...

THE MOST FAMOUS ACTOR IN AMERICA.

[ Applause ]

FREDDIE.

THIS IS FOR A GUY NAMED RUDY VALENTINE ON STAGE 14.

FREDDIE, DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM...

TILL AFTER THE AUDITIONS ARE OVER. GOT YA.

SO?

HUH? SAY.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Applause ] [ Dorsey ] AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

OUR NEXT CONTESTANT, MR. TONY LASSITER.

[ Indistinct ] [ Man ] YOU READY?

AND--

[ Humming ]

ACTION! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!

I'M NOT A TOY! I'M NOT A PIECE OF STONE!

SAVE ALL YOUR STUPID GAMES...

FOR ALL YOUR OTHER LOVERS.

WHY DID YOU DO IT?

[ Screeching ] HAMED, PLEASE!

DON'T "HAMED" ME!

WHORE! STRUMPET!

[ Whispering ] THIS IS FOR RUDY VALENTINE.

DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM-- [ Indistinct ] DO YOU HEAR ME?

THE TRUTH!

YOU FILTHY PIG.

ASK. JUST ASK ME.

DURING THE TIME YOU WERE LYING NAKED IN HIS ARMS...

AND HE...

LET YOU HAVE IT,

[ Gasps ] WERE YOU THINKING OF ME?

OR WERE YOU THINKING OF HIM?

YOU. I BELIEVE HER!

DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?

I LOVE THIS LADY.

SHE IS AS PURE IN MY EYES...

AS IS THE RAIN THAT FALLS FROM HEAVEN!

[ Applause ]

THIS FOR YOU, MR. VALENTINE.

THEY TELL ME GIVE YOU AFTER THE SCENE. OH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ Annie's Voice ] CONGRATULATIONS, DARLING.

I KNEW YOU'D WIN. I JUST KNEW IT.

I'M LEAVING ON THE NOON TRAIN FOR MILWAUKEE.

RUDY, YOU DON'T NEED ME HERE.

THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE WANTED ALL YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU WOULD JUST ACCEPT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IN YOUR HEART,

WE'LL BOTH BE HAPPY--

EVEN IF WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.

GOOD-BYE, DARLING.

I LOVE YOU. ANNIE.

[ Assistant Director ] YOU'RE ON, MR. VALENTINE.

COME ON, YOU'RE ON.

RUDY?

RUDY, COME ON. COME ON! YOU'RE NEXT.

COME ON, COME ON. THIS IS IT. YOU'RE NEXT.

ANNIE?

RUDY, YOU REMEMBER MISS CALASSANDRO, DON'T YOU?

HI. HOW YA FEELIN' TODAY?

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS. LET'S GET READY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT...

OUR THIRD AND LAST CONTESTANT,

MR. RUDY "BALENTINE."

UH--

[ Whispering ]

SORRY. SORRY, FOLKS.

THAT'S VALENTINE.

RUDY VALENTINE.

LET'S HAVE ABSOLUTE QUIET, PLEASE.

AND...

ACTION!

I SAID, ACTION!

[ Mouthing Words ]

HI.

MY NAME IS FELIX. FEEL LIKE A DANCE?

STAND UP, CUTIE. LET'S SEE YOUR STUFF.

OH, BOY. AREN'T YOU SOMETHING?

LOOK AT THAT.

WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!

[ Rudy Laughing ]

YOU GOT SOME HOT STUFF.

ONLY TROUBLE IS,

[ Laughing ] I DON'T LIKE GIRLS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[ Falsetto ] NO, SIRREE. NOT FOR ME.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Normal Voice ] YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU?

MM-MM. DON'T LIKE 'EM.

DON'T LIKE THEM AT ALL. I DON'T LIKE THEM.

DON'T LIKE THEM. I DON'T LIKE THEM.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M SAYING THAT I DON'T...

LIKE--

I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I EVER LOVED.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT.

CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

I LOVED YOU, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT.

I LOVE YOU NOW.

I LOVED YOU WHEN WE FIRST MET.

AND EVEN AFTER YOU'VE FORGOTTEN...

ALL THE PAIN I--

I'VE CAUSED YOU...

AND PERHAPS-- PERHAPS HAVE FORGOTTEN ME,

I'LL LOVE YOU THEN.

DON'T LEAVE ME. DON'T LEAVE, PLEASE.

LOVE ME AGAIN.

I DO. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE THIS GUY.

[ Murmuring, Weeping ]

[ Man ] BRAVO! I SAY BRAVO!

[ Applause Continues ] BRAVO! BRAVO!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Applause Continues ]

OH, GEE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? THAT'S HIM.

THAT'S HIM, YOU BIG FATHEAD.

THAT'S-- THAT'S HIM! THAT'S OUR LOVER!

THAT GUY IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

OOH!

[ Women Screaming ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

HE'S MINE. HE'S MINE, PLEASE. I LOVE HIM.

OH, GOD, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HEY!

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, GIMME A BREAK. I LOVE HIM.

DON'T YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU? I LOVE THAT MAN.

[ Applause ]

- [ Applause Continues ] - [ Shouting, Indistinct ]

[ Applause Continues ]

[ Whinnies ]

RUDY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? [ Whinnies ]

[ Horse Whinnies ]

- RUDY? - WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- [ Whinnies ] - HEY, RUDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY, RUDY-- JESUS!

- [ Rifle Fires ] - [ Yells ] OOH! OOH!

OOH.

THIS IS FAKE!

THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE. [ Whinnies ]

STOP THAT MAN!

READY.

[ Clamoring ] [ Man ] GET OUT OF THE WAY!

SHOOT!

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Wolf Whistle ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Falsetto ] OH, BOY! LOOK AT THOSE GAMS.

WHAT YOU DOIN' TONIGHT, HONEY?

MAYBE WE COULD MEET LATER FOR A LITTLE SNACK.

[ Man ] ♪ AIN'T IT KIND OF WONDERFUL ♪

♪ AIN'T IT KIND OF FUN ♪

♪ AIN'T IT KIND OF CHILLING ♪

♪ WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE THRILLING HIM ♪

♪ AND HE IS FILLING YOU ♪

♪ WITH ALL THE DREAMS ♪

♪ THAT YOU HAD EVER HOPED ♪

♪ WOULD COME TRUE ♪

♪ BOO, BOO, BOO, BOO ♪

♪ AIN'T IT KIND OF MARVELOUS ♪

♪ AW, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S SWELL ♪

♪ WHEN YOU FIND THE PERFECT LOVER ♪

♪ WHO ADORES YOU SO MUCH MORE ♪

♪ THAN ANY OTHER MAN YOU WANTED ♪

♪ AND IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT A DREAM AT ALL ♪

♪ THE ONLY THING HE WANTS ♪

♪ IS YOU ♪