Original subtitles

Kia ora, I'm Toby Buchanan and you're listening to Small Town Scandal, a true

crime podcast where I try and solve the mystery of who killed Uncle Mitch.

This is episode two.

As of last episode, I received an intriguing phone message from my Uncle

He was talking to someone else at the end of the

message.

Someone he knew.

And then within two hours, he was dead.

I knew someone had been with him just before he died.

Perhaps this person even murdered him.

And who better to suspect than the victim's spouse?

But then I was told Aunty Janine might have been having a clandestine meet -up

at the time of Uncle Mitch's death. A clandestine meet -up?

at one of Tohoiho's most notorious hotels.

I'm outside Tohoiho's O 'Reilly's hotel.

The plan?

To find out if Aunty Janine was in the vicinity when Uncle Mitch died.

How can I help you?

I'm a private investigator and I've got a couple of questions about some of your

clients.

Specifically, someone that may or may not have come in yesterday.

You're a private investigator?

Yeah. Yeah. Who for?

The police.

You're a private investigator for the police?

Isn't that just the normal investigator?

No, not necessarily.

Well, I'm going to have to see some ID before I talk to you.

ID? Yeah.

Yeah, ID.

This

is

a bus card from Sydney.

Well, that's a form of ID in its own right. Well, it doesn't even have your

on it. I need some ID that can prove to me that you're a private investigator

for the police.

Well, I don't have any because I'm undercover.

Then I'm not talking to you about any of my clients.

Fine.

You don't need to be so rude about it.

Look, is there any way that this...

You might loosen those lips.

And there she is.

At 1 .15pm.

Now here comes the dude.

And how long did he stay for?

He's pretty quick.

Case of wham bam thank you ma 'am.

Two minutes.

Wow, that is quick.

Okay, so we can deduce that she was here when he died.

Damn it. I mean, I need to solve this whole thing, but... I still need to get

six to eight episodes of intriguing content.

Hey, do you want to see some of the other guys she's been meeting with?

There are other guys?

One a week, sometimes two.

Wow, how many in total?

Toby?

Auntie Janine. Who are you?

I'm here to fix the computer.

I'm really good friends with...

Trends, don't they?

They're trends. I'm good friends with trends.

Well, I was just popping into Oxford Directions.

Hello.

Fancy seeing you here.

Bill Heslop. This is my nephew, step -nephew, Toby.

Oh, great.

Nice to meet you, mate.

Nice to meet you, too, mate.

I had just popped into Oxford Directions, but...

Just realised I've left my map in the car.

And I, too, also have a map in my car.

Why don't you just use the maps on your phone?

That is a very good idea, young man.

I'd better be running off. I have to get to Pilates.

Yeah. It was wonderful to bump into you again, Bill.

Bye, Toby.

And give my love to your mum.

Okay, so it obviously wasn't Auntie Janine who murdered Uncle Mitch, but

doesn't mean that one of her other friends couldn't have done it.

Hey, do you want to see the local MP asphyxiate himself?

What? No.

Suit yourself.

It's pretty grainy anyway.

Asphyxiate himself?

I thought he had a heart attack.

Oh, well, I've got cameras in the room and less a case of a heart attack and

more a case of, you know, 60 -60, choky -choky, if you read the autopsy report.

Autopsy report?

So, what seems to be the problem?

Where do I begin?

Oh, sorry, I'm just a bit emotional at the moment.

My beautiful Uncle Mitch died a few days ago. Yes, I'm aware of that. I'm sorry

for your loss.

Thank you. He was a, um... He was a complicated man.

Yeah.

You wouldn't happen to have his autopsy report, would you?

Yes, we do have that on file.

Is there a possibility I could see it?

Why would you want to do that?

Closure. I would just need to call the...

police first because i actually talked to the police and they said it was fine

so yeah i think i still need to just call the police myself just to double

yeah so um you came in here with a health issue yeah yeah so

um what was it yeah um it's uh um i think

it might be any prurie i think uh that's causing you some distress nothing too

bad but i just thought i should come in and Yeah, it's always good to get these

things checked out. So there's been some itching?

Yeah.

Okay, and there's been some bleeding?

Yeah, not too bad, but a little bit, I guess. So what we'll do in this

is I'll give you an initial examination, and then if it warrants it, I'll refer

you to a proctologist.

Yeah. So what we'll do, I'll just get you to down trowel, and if you could

over the examination table here. You know what? I think I'll be okay. I can

you a bit of privacy to de -robe.

Yeah, yeah.

That actually would be great.

I'll be just outside.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, just one more second, mate. I was just having a bit of trouble with my

bow.

Are you okay in there?

Yes, sorry. Yeah, just one more second. Sorry.

Sorry, good to go.

Okay, please spread your cheeks for me.

Oh, wow.

Is it really bad?

No, quite the opposite. It's looking really great down there.

With a clean bill of health for my nether regions, I completely forgot

investigations.

Okay. Well, well, well.

And before I could even pay my bill... If it isn't Tubby Tones. ...answered my

childhood friend, Matt McKenzie.

And his wife and my old school crush, Katie Jerram.

Oh, my God.

Uncle Mitch.

Oh.

You know, I've been working with him for years at the Mowing Hypermega store,

right? We're sorry for your loss.

That's right. It's not your fault.

No.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, don't worry. I shouldn't ask that.

No, we're trying to put another son up Katie, but it's just not happening. So,

we're getting it checked out.

Hey, babes, did you know Tubbs is a big shot investor to give...

A journalist over in Sydney?

Yes, I know.

And do you know what? I just always knew that you were going to go far.

Exposés, was it, Thomas?

Yeah.

After I saw you the other day, I googled you, mate.

What was all this fuss with the pet food company?

Oh, the pet food thing. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that was just a big

misunderstanding that...

Yeah, that kind of thing happens all the time in journalism.

Yeah. Does it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Anyway, listen, I've got to get on my bill. I've got to run off.

But lovely to see you guys.

Yeah, good to see you, mate. Bye.

Bye. You look great.

Doesn't he look great?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, here he is.

So why were you at the doctor's?

Um, no reason. Just a check -up. And did my payment go through?

Yes, it did. Thanks, Mum.

I don't know how much longer I can be paying for your lifestyle, Toby.

Lifestyle? I was there for a legitimate reason, Mum. Thanks, Toby.

Yeah.

Cousin Carol, why?

Cousin Carol has been kindly coming down from Puketa for the last five years to

help me with frocks in the field gowns rush.

Yeah, but it's actually fine because my, uh, my partner...

I can take care of the fur babies while I'm gone these days.

Cousin Carol has been recently dating a librarian, which is nice.

Right, well, congratulations.

Thanks, that means a lot.

It's actually really fun coming down here, though, because I love craft.

I always give Cousin Carol your room while she's here.

Mum, no.

If you're going to keep staying here, you can sleep on the sofa.

No, it's fine.

You'll find no joy in there.

Cousin Carol was always around when we were kids, mostly because her mum, mum's

sister, Aunty Kath, was usually off deep -sea trawling.

Be careful with those scissors, Cousin Carol. They're very precious.

Oh, yeah.

Aunty, who's been telling me about your podcast?

It's rather unique.

I listen to one about craft called Glue Gun Confidential.

It's pretty popular. You've probably heard about it. Oh, no.

Yeah. How's yours coming along?

Oh, my God, I totally forgot.

Mum, I've got a photo of Uncle Mitch's autopsy report.

Is that mine?

It doesn't say anything about a heart attack.

It really doesn't say anything at all, except inconclusive.

Hang on a second.

Wait.

It says there was ketamine in his system when he died.

WTF? What was that fleshy thing at the bottom of the photo?

Was that a... The what? The thing at the bottom.

I think that's my thumb, I think. No, that would be your pinky, wouldn't it?

Hang on, hang on.

There's an article in here about someone else in town dying of a ketamine

overdose.

That's an interesting coincidence.

What?

Another recent death with ketamine in their system as well?

I decided to immediately chase this ketamine lead.

On the way, I rang my old editor in Australia, who'd launched a new media

platform after a career hiccup.

I wondered if this new platform might be the right fit for this very podcast.

But someone was in the room with him just before he died. Who was that

Toby. Sorry, what's this all about?

It's a podcast I'm working on. I think it's going to go gangbusters, Belinda.

And why are you telling me?

I haven't heard from you for... I thought you might be interested in it.

I'll do all the work, but maybe you'd consider putting it on your platform for

small fee?

Toby, you absolutely screwed me over with the pet food article.

But not only me, you screwed over the whole damn Chronicle. Yeah, I know, I

know. If I wasn't such a nice gal, I'd be calling you a prick right now.

And threatening to castrate you. And that, my friend, is a valid reaction.

think this podcast might put us back on the map and might resurrect our careers.

Please, Belinda, just consider it.

I don't think so.

What about if I email you the first episode? Might you consider listening to

Maybe if I email it to you?

No.

Anyway, listen, I've got to go.

I'm going to throw some more shrimps on the barbie.

Yes, of course. Well, I'll email it to you anyway, just in case you have any

spare time.

I

found

myself at the dodgiest veterinary clinic in town.

The vet in question worked out the back of some converted car dealership. He was

cheap, which people liked.

You just had to be prepared for the occasional death.

I'd lost two albino guinea pigs to him in my late teens.

I think most people would safely assume that this guy was deep in amongst the

cadmium tray.

Come back during office hours, you gnome!

It's a lot of blood there, mate.

Your horses bleed a lot when you're untwisting their bowels.

Speaking of horses, mate, um... Tranquillizers, lol.

You were joking?

No, I mean, yeah, uh, recreationally.

I'm so goddamn sick of your kinds.

I'm not a ketamine dealer.

Okay? Okay.

Cocaine, you've come to the right place.

Icky, you're in luck. Meth, you've come to the right man.

But not kids.

Okay, yeah.

I never mix work with pleasure.

Okay, I understand.

You might want to try the Fable Hands.

Yeah, they deal kit to the baby boomers. You know, for their parties.

Wait.

Parties. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what, mate?

You piss off.

Right now, before I go type one psycho on you.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah, sure.

See you, bro. So that particular vat was a dead end.

But in a town full of vats, I'm sure there was another lead.

But then the case was blown wide open.

Yep. Enter Auntie Janine's lover from O 'Reilly's hotel earlier in the day.

Hi. We met... Um, this is my wife, Heather.

Hi. Oh, Heather.

Heather. Okay, yeah, wife.

Sure. This is Mitch's nephew.

Oh, so sorry for your loss.

Yeah. How gruesomely horrible.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, anyway, we're here to pick up our course, so we better.

Come on, sweetheart.

Yeah, his bowel got all twisted.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah.

Did you need ketamine for that?

Presume so.

Were you given ketamine?

I wouldn't think so.

Well, maybe if we had four legs.

Well, no, it's not legal, is it?

Anyway, we're going to let you get on with it, and we'll go this way, and you

that way.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, let's get Shadowman, eh? Good luck.

Let's get him home. Okay.

And so, Auntie Janine's lover slash Heather's husband slash

Shadowman's owner may have had access to ketamine, the very drug that was found

in Uncle Mitch's system when he died.

Could it be that obvious?

I needed to cross my teeth and dot my I's to be certain.

because I was not going to make another journalistic mistake ever again.

Before I could process this momentous lead in the case, it was time for

Auntie Janine lover to enter the mix.

Enter Sergeant Brown.

Well, here's a wham -bam, thank you, ma 'am. Two minutes.

Look who it is.

Did you see the sign back there, mate?

It had 70 in a red circle.

You didn't see that.

I guess I did.

I guess you did.

Yes.

Where

are

you going in such a hurry?

Nowhere important.

I don't know what it is about you, but I feel like you're up to something.

No, I'm definitely not.

Okay.

Well, drive better.

Please.

But there was no time to dwell on any of that.

With the other ketamine victim's death in mind, I headed to the Tohoyo Public

Library.

I used to come here all the time, but now it just seems a bit sad and drab.

Shush!

Sorry.

I don't know exactly what it is that I'm hoping to gain by coming to the public

library, but I do know that Heidi, the other ketamine victim, worked here.

help with anything do you like the look of that book maybe

heidi was big into that lifestyle oh well she had been big into that

for a couple of months before that she was she was very timid

A mix and mingle lounge.

Could that possibly be a hotspot for boomers on cats?

I decided to go and find out.

So the local vet was saying that basically all the baby boomers in town

ketamine. So maybe it's not out of the ordinary for two of them to die with

ketamine in their system.

But what I saw next blew the case wide open.

Oh, she was wide open. Actually, quite a few of them were wide open.