Original subtitles

Okay, let's give this a go.

Yeah, welcome.

G'day. My name is Toby Buchanan and welcome to... Yeah, g'day. My

name is...

Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Should I say welcome or should I... Welcome, g'day and

welcome... No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Brace yourself. Use your leg. He's a big boy. Kia ora.

My name is Toby Buchanan, and this is my true crime podcast, Small Town Scandal,

where I try and solve the mystery of... Actually, we'll get to that later.

It all began two days ago, I guess.

There I was, in between jobs, and crashing at my mum's place.

This dress is for anyway.

They have the frocks in the field.

I don't know why I agreed to do it again this year.

I must be a sucker for punishment.

We've gone for a native bird theme, which is actually very creatively

stimulating. Surely I'm too big to model them. Well, not for some of the women

around here. I want you to try on this fascinator.

This is the tree.

It's beautiful, Mum.

Anyway.

How's your CV going?

Have you managed to send it to the Tohoiho Times yet?

Mum, the Tohoiho Times is full of fluff pieces and bridal reviews. I'm an

investigative journalist, remember?

I'll have you know there was a very, very interesting article about how to

toys out of cat fur yesterday.

Why would Uncle Mitch be calling me? Oh, maybe there's some good news.

Go on, answer it.

That was very rude.

Mum, what is going on?

I had a little word with him about your situation.

What situation?

The fact that you've been lying around your mother's house for three months

after things went tits up in Australia.

Mum, I'm not going to work at a motor mowing store.

It's a hyper mega store. It's prestigious.

And what else are you going to do? I can't keep on paying for your cheesy

forever.

Mum, I am an investigative... I am an investigative journalist, remember?

He won't make you work in the store. You can write things for the ads. Mum, I

don't want to go.

I don't want to go. I decided to do the mature thing and take Mum's car and go

and talk to my Uncle Mitch.

Uncle Mitch lives on the other side of the small New Zealand town of Te Hoi Ho,

a town completely obsessed with horses.

This is where I grew up.

but recently spent a year working in Australia for a prestigious newspaper,

until I wrongly exposed a pet food company for using cat and dog meat in

food for cats and dogs.

The newspaper promptly went tits up, and I was left looking for any opportunity

to resurrect my career.

Anyways, that all led me here, to the beginning of an emotional and an

investitive... an investor -gative...

Rollercoaster.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Tubby Toe.

Matt McKenzie.

So, back in the day, I went to Tohoiho College.

And that was where I met Matt McKenzie.

He'd moved here from Broome, Australia, and we became fast friends.

I didn't know you were back in town.

Yeah, I'm just back for a couple of days just visiting. Hey, last I heard, you

were Mr Big Shot Journalist over in Sydney.

How's all that going?

It's great. Yeah, it's great.

Yeah? What newspaper are you writing for?

Listen, what's going on? Like, who's that on the lawn?

Is that an Australian accent I can detect there, mate?

Such a big fan you want to talk like me, do you? I picked it up and haven't been

able to shake it.

So, who's that body on the lawn?

Oh!

Yes, mate, yeah, that's, um... That's your Uncle Mitch.

Dead as a doorknob.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Brace yourself. Use your knees. He's a big boy.

What happened to him? He had a heart attack.

Heart attack? But all that blood.

Use your brain, you clown.

He had a heart attack. Fell onto the lawn.

And those bloody robots ran all over him, cutting him up.

Pull yourself together, Tom.

My uncle Mitch is the richest man in Tohoiho.

He made his mega millions designing an automated lawnmower that doesn't require

anyone to operate it.

He even went so far as to call this automated mower the Buchananizer, after

family name, Buchanan.

And now, he's dead.

Apparently he had a heart attack and then he got run over by his automated

lawnmower.

But I guess it was only a matter of time with all that pork he put away.

Mum... No, I'm only being matter -of -fact. That's my curse. I'm honest to a

fault.

Oh, I guess there goes your job at the Hypermega store.

So this is back to the drawing board vis -à -vis your future employment.

Oh,

Mum, Auntie Janine's showing up. I'd better go. And I'll start ringing

Bye.

Get her!

I'd like to leave.

Hey, easy.

Just get her.

Easy now.

I know you.

Put her down.

That's right there.

Just get out of it, would you? I know.

I know.

Petal.

I can't believe you're still alive, old girl.

You must have seen everything.

Don't you?

It shouldn't be.

His Majesty is back. I'll pay that invoice soon, Lynne.

Bye for now.

Did you know that Aunt Petal was still alive?

What are you talking about?

Petal, the horse that Uncle Mitch got me. She's still alive.

Oh, for God's sake, Toby, who cares about Petal? How was your Auntie Janine?

She was sobbing so much.

That doesn't surprise me. She does like to be dramatic.

She's a big part in the Hoyo Amateur Dramatic Society.

Mind you, I will grant she did a great job as Evita. I did her costumes, of

course. So, go on. What did she do next after the sobbing?

Uh, I can't remember.

No doubt she sorted the world before all this went down.

Mom, it's too early to be thinking about the will. Oh, Janine will be thinking

about the will. They will all be thinking about the will.

Most certainly.

Janine, his twins, Andrea, you can bet your bottom dollar.

Make sure you put some vegetables in that pasta, please.

The Bible will save off your cravings. I wonder if your father's been left

anything. Well, what if so? No doubt it'll go straight on the booze.

Mom, you know I'm right.

Actually, have you called it?

No, I'll do that now.

That night, I couldn't get the images of Uncle Mitch's face out of my head.

That, and the cheesy tomatoey pasta causing acid reflux, meant that sleep

impossibility. So I did what I always do when insomnia hits. I listened to my

favourite serial killer podcast.

So how would Mrs Moth communicate with you?

She'll call me.

But then suddenly...

There it was, staring at me from my phone screen.

I wanted to hear his voice one last time, not be spun off into a murder

investigation.

He left a message for me and said to someone else, hang on, what are you

here? And then an hour later, he was found dead.

I'm probably talking to a fantail that flew into the room.

Oh, talking of fantails.

You don't say to a fantail, hang on, what are you doing here?

Well, I would.

Anyway, could we do that conversation again, Mum? I'm going to record it.

What? Why?

I'm going to turn this into a podcast.

No, I don't want to be on the internet. And you don't either. You failed speech

and drama.

Yeah, but Mum, something's going on here. And in the best true crime

the mystery unfolds in real time.

And who knows?

If I play my cards right, maybe this will lead to some legitimate

investigative... legitimate investigative journalist work.

some legitimate investigative journalist work.

And as an effective investigative journalist, I decided to go right back

beginning.

The crime scene.

The stain from where Uncle Mitch had lain is dark red from all the bleeding

did.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot that doesn't realise all the bleeding

happened after he was torn up by the Buchananisers, aka the automated

lawnmowers.

But maybe the bleeding happened after.

He was killed.

Toby!

Jeanine, I'm so sorry. I didn't really ask anyone was home.

Oh, I understand, Dominic.

I've been talking to Mitchie as well.

I just... I can't believe...

thing in a blanket excuse me oh i

just wish i'd been there when it had happened and i guess it was just a

of time before his heart gave out you know with all those saturated effects he

was putting away and now we're not going to go on the cheese tour through the

south of france he was just so excited about experiencing all those

Breathe. Where were you?

I beg your pardon?

We said you wished you were here to help when he passed away. I was just

wondering where you were.

I was sadly at the nail salon.

There were many pedis.

So what exactly are you trying to say, Toby? That Janine killed your Uncle

Mitch? I'm just saying that I can imagine a scenario in which that was the

possibility. And you're the one that said that she probably got his will

before he died.

Where's the Cocoa Pops?

They're empty calories. Have some cornflakes. How are you suggesting she

him? Can't make someone have a heart attack, can you?

Or can you?

I mean, we always thought that she was solely after him for his money.

Oh, my God!

What are you making me say?

You're only saying it because it makes sense, Mum.

And I'm not saying that he did have a heart attack. I'm just saying that maybe

he was murdered and she covered it up by putting a lawnmower on it. Oh, I don't

know, stupid.

See, it's covered in blood.

Or maybe she was covered in blood, but she went away, wiped herself down, and

then came back with all the theatrics.

Or maybe she got someone else to do it.

Hmm? A hired killer, if you will, or a friend or an acquaintance.

Hmm. Oh, this is stupid. Look what you're making me say. I feel I'm in

she wrote. That show always did baffle me. I mean, if there's that many murders

in your town, surely you'd just leave.

With Auntie Janine as my number one suspect, I was going undercover

mode to check her alibi.

French's Beauty Boutique in Nails is kind of goth, it's kind of purple meets

black, small town beauty boutique.

Can I help you, love?

Yes, how do you do?

My name is Gerald, and I couldn't help but notice one of your clients' toenails

the other day, and I thought, I must get my hands on that colour.

for my life partner.

Her name is Janine Crozier Buchanan.

That was your client. My life partner's called Bren.

She's called Brenda.

That's my name.

I didn't know there was another Brenda in town.

Well, there isn't. She's fantastic.

Anyway, so Auntie Janine's toenail is polished.

Janine is wearing Time of the Month red at the moment.

And is that the colour that she got last time she came in on Wednesday?

She didn't come in on Wednesday, but yes, time of the month read.

So she didn't come in on Wednesday?

She hasn't come in in a month, ironically.

That'll be $14, please.

Oh, yes, um, I, oh, I just realised I've left my wallet in my car.

I'm just going to go, if you just hold that there, I'll just go and grab for my

car, I'm just around the corner.

Bingo. I had a strong suspect. And now it was time to make this official.

The Tohoyo Police Station has a blast from the 90s past.

It's got a pastel pink trim and a faux lavender mould

display.

The receptionist is a down -looking woman who's at one with the chair.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, I'm doing a podcast.

Is that an Australian accent?

Yeah.

I've just got this big job over in Sydney and I picked up the accent there

I've been unable to kick it.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm Toby Buchanan. I'm an investigative journalist and my uncle

Died the other day.

I know.

A matter of time with the amount of booze he put away.

Yeah.

I was wondering if there was the policeman that I...

Or woman.

Or person.

Police person that I could talk to about it.

Sergeant Brown, there's a joker here who wants to talk to you.

Tell him I'm not here.

Righto.

He says come on through.

Great. Thank you so much.

Ludmidge had a heart attack.

But how are you sure about the heart attack? That's what the coroner's report

said, OK?

And then he tragically fell in line with his automated lawnmowers.

Could I see this report?

Why?

I just told you what the findings were.

He had a heart attack.

So you don't need to see the report.

Is there any chance we could open up an investigation into foul play? Just

because I... I think that maybe Uncle Mitch was murdered.

Just hear me out.

I've got certain pieces of evidence that lead me to believe that maybe he was

killed by his wife.

Janine Crozier Buchanan did not kill her husband.

It's just that she said she was at the beauticians when he died. You're being

absolutely stupid.

What a stupid thing to assert.

And I'm too busy to deal with this.

I'd check into grief counselling if I were you.

I think your loss has made you a bit wonky.

Anyhoo, I'd better get back to actual work. Okay, yeah.

Sorry. Here, look here.

How are you sure about the heart attack?

And then he tragically fell in line with me.

I just saw you in there.

I got something I need to tell you.

The reason Sergeant Brown doesn't think it was Janine is because,

you know... Did you catch my drift?

What drift?

Sergeant Brown and Janine Closier Buchanan are heaven at all.

What? Be quiet.

But yes, they met at O 'Reilly's hotel.

I have seen their protective car parked outside on several lunch breaks.

Do you think they were there two days ago?

Couldn't be certain.

But they probably were.

Their clandestine meetings have been becoming obsessively regular.

But you let anyone know I told you and you'll knock them mine, mate.

Okay. So, there you go.

Aunty Janine was having it off with another man.

Could Aunty Janine and Sergeant Brown have conspired to have Uncle Mitch taken

out to get his money? Or was Sergeant Brown a jealous lover not wanting to

share?

Toby!

I need you to model again for Abby McPherson's dress.

I'm coming!

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