Original subtitles

Hey.

Did you know medical waste is good for the environment?

Nah, stop pulling my leg.

Hey! Quit chewing up my shoe, dog.

Aah! Hey, stop pulling my leg!

Mr. Pickles!

- Where is that newspaper already? - It'll be here.

Just relax. Oh, Mr. Pickles. Hmm.

I know! You can read me my favorite book, dad.

Sorry,

- I have to work. - Oh, you always

- have to work. - Ah, I think

Mr. Pickles has been doing something to me in my sleep.

Dad, Mr. Pickles is

- a good boy. - Ah, look at him.

- No bills, no job. - Oh, Mr. Pickles.

Not a care in the world.

I wish I was a dog.

Huh? Yeah!

Stanley!

- Dad! - The newspapers be on

- digital tablets now, yo! - I wish I was dog.

I wish I was a dog.

A cat! I gotta get that cat! What the... hey!

What's the matter with my legs? Where are my clothes?

- Mr. Goodman! - Huh? That's me!

That's me!

There you are,

- Mr. Goodman. - Uh, call me "dad," Tommy.

What's that, boy?

You want

- some scratches? - Um... Ahh.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dad? Can you do something

- with me today? - Um...

[You alwaysrking] Have to work, dad.

But I'm your dad. Or am I a dog?

Mr. Pickles. Take out the trash,

- mow the lawn, pay the bills... - Wait,

I'm not responsible for any of those things.

I'm free! I can do whatever I... oh.

You sure are barking up a storm, Mr. Goodman.

Barking? I'm not... oh, look at that leg.

I like your leg, I like your leg.

- Mr. Goodman! - That Mr. Goodman

is evil. Aah!

Ah, wait!

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up, dad! Come on!

- A coma could last forever. - Oh, no!

Wake up!

- Tommy, please. - But I want dad

- to read my story to me! - Tommy, go play

- and let dad rest. - Perfect

for harvesting.

- Hey, now! How you doin'? - Terrible!

- No! What? - I'm so mad

at the newspaper boy, I don't know what to do.

Yeah, yeah, Tommy. I find that when you're mad

at somebody, you should tell 'em how you feel.

- Hey, ladies! Where you goin'? - Okay, Mr. Pickles,

go watch over dad.

Come on.

These beeps are coming from the rectal area, sir.

What?! We've got a packer.

- Hurry up, Floyd. - Hi, guys.

- Nice of you to stop by. - Oh, we're not here

for Goodman. We're here for lunch.

I'm gonna break my record

- and eat 1,000 hot dogs. - Get back to work, Goodman.

- Hey, what's that thing do? - This book?

- You... read it? - Oh, yeah? Do... do that.

All right. "There once was a wiggly,

windy road that went on and on, wriggling and winding,

- wriggling and winding..." - Come on, Mr. Goodman!

Ah! A shoe.

- Whoa! Down, dog. - Sorry, sorry.

Hey, pal. Wanna sniff butts?

Yes, I do. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that smells good.

Mmm, oaky. Hey, let me get a sniff.

Very nice. Oh, yeah.

That is a nice smelling butt you have.

I'm sad.

I wanted my dad to do something with me, but he has to work.

Well, I could do lots of somethings.

- Whee! - Whee!

Tommy, you get down from him.

- Why you talkin' to him? - Yeah, he doesn't know what

you're saying. Nobody does.

You mean, I can say anything to anyone,

- and they can't understand me? - Dog pile!

Hey! Come on, you guys.

I can't breathe!

- I can't breathe! - "And the road

straightened for a moment, then suddenly

- it started to wind again." - Damn!

I thought it was gonna go straight.

Oh! Uh, just fluffing

- his pillows. - Thank you.

Read! Read! Read! Read! Shh.

Sorry. Print is dead, yo!

Read it right here on this new tablet device.

I'll take a paper. Here you go.

Hey! Thanks to you,

- my dad is in a coma. - Yo, I'm sorry, yo!

The worst part is, he can't read me a story.

I guess that's what happens when print is dead.

Yo, dawg, we threw the printing press away,

but you could write your own book with this!

Words!

"And on and on the road went until...

It kept going. It kept going..."

Pickles!

Make some sales

- or your lousy butt is fired. - Who are you

calling a lousy butt, you worthless little snit?!

Boss schmoss.

You're a piece of moss. Boy, that felt good.

Get this yapping dog out of here.

- He's disgusting! - I hate you!

Aah, my butt!

- I always knew you hated him. - Hi, Floyd.

- Wait, you can understand me? - You're in a dream,

- Mr. Goodman. - A dream?

I must be your dream guide. Here, let's see.

Oh! I can do this. Whee!

Whoa. A cat! A cat!

I'm gonna get you! Oh, there's cats everywhere!

Hey, shoes! Oh, yeah.

Bones, bones, bones, bones!

- Fetch! - I'll get that!

There he is!

Hey, hey! What are you doing?

It's off to the pound with you.

- Death row. - Oh, yeah.

"If the person dies in their dream,

they'll die in real life, too." Hey, look what else I can do.

- What? Oh, no. No! - "Down the wiggly,

windy road he went. Then he came to another wiggly

part of the road and guess what? It was winding."

Our x-rays show that you have several items in your rectum.

One slinky.

- No! - Part of a guitar.

One roller skate.

Oh! I'm gonna have to get

- all the way in there. - No, please!

One empty jar of Pickles.

- And let's take lunch, everybody. - What? Hello!

Mr. Pickles, was that you?

Why am I in the morgue? Shh.

Oh. Oh, yeah, you lookin' good.

What are you doing with that thing? Aah!

Get all the organs, baby.

Then we can pay off our college loans.

Well, I'm working on a patient in a coma.

He'll be ready for harvesting soon.

"The... End."

Read us another story.

But I don't have another book.

- Read us a story! - Read us a story!

Read us a story! Read us a story!

Wait a minute. I don't like this.

Heil, Pitler!

- Hello. - Get in there.

Whoa. Hey, guys!

Uh, hi, there. Stanley Goodman. And you are?

About to have a party. Get him! Hold him down.

Get down. My mother was a chihuahua...

Guys! And my father was

- a St. Bernard. - Hey! Whoa!

Welcome to prison, bitch.

Oh, no! Help!

Would you just die already?

Huh? Quiet! Here. Every dog loves hot dogs.

Oh! You want a quickie?

You can at least take my clothes off.

- A bone, a shoe. - What the...

One cat.

What's this? It's buzzing? Ticking? Metallic?

We got a bomb!

One more hot dog and you'll beat your record.

Hey! We need to ejaculate

- the hospital. - Evacuate.

That's what I said. Where to?

Read us a story! Read us a story!

Just go to the library!

Perfect! Nobody goes there anymore.

Read us a story! Read us a story!

- Read us a story! - Oh, I've been waiting a long

time for this, Mr. Goodman.

Oh, I don't wanna be a dog anymore.

- You'll die in real life, too. - I don't wanna

- be a dog anymore. - You'll die in real life, too.

I don't wanna be a dog anymore.

- I smell hot dogs. Don't you? - Read us a story!

Yes, uh, I'd like to take out a book.

We put them all in storage. You can check your e-mail

- if you'd like. - Oh, I have a book.

Hooray! Be quiet. Shh...

My dad. He used to do lots of things

with me. One time, he showed me what

a turtle was. He showed me what a turtle was.

Please! D-d-don't kill me, please.

Hey,

- that's a turtle. Huh? - Wow,

- so that's a turtle. - Hey, I know you.

Hi, dad! Hi, dad.

Wait, I think I'm a dad, not a dog.

- Huh? My clothes! - Get back here, Mr. Goodman!

- Oh, no! Oh, no! - Another time,

my dad showed me how he saved money.

70 degrees? I'll go broke!

My legs! I can stand!

And then one day,

I walked in to wake up my dad, and he had a lump

in his pajama pants. What's that, dad?

Wow!

No, Tommy! Don't touch that! Wait!

Stanley!

- Dad! - Welcome back, dawg.

Dog? Dog. No. Oh, where's grandpa?

False alarm! It was just an alarm clock.

- It was just a dream. - There's that thing again.

No, Tommy, don't!

Hot dog!

You know, it's great that you and Tommy

got people to appreciate books again.

So can you read me my book now?

Sorry, Tommy. Late for work.

Mr. Pickles should go to the pound.

Well, I think being a dog is a lot harder

than some people think. Good boy.

Help!