Original subtitles

Thank you.

Don't the old hag know it's Christmas Eve?

Nah, it's just another night to her.

Well, only two minutes left to go.

Ten o 'clock.

Another hour in the homicide squad. I'd be asking my legs for killing me.

Mine murdered me two hours ago. I'm dead.

J .J. Benson doesn't know it, but she's going to give her annual Christmas

speech to a zombie.

Curfew never rings at Madam Benson's.

It just goes on and on and on.

If this clam bake doesn't get started soon, I'll scream.

I've got a date with my father.

A wise baby that knows his own father, baby. With your mind, you should be

writing publicity for a peep show.

What do you think this is?

What makes you a privileged character? Why don't you have to wait for J .J.'s

speech? I celebrated my Christmas last week. Had Roosevelt move it up for me.

You're not leaving, are you, Mr. Chambers?

My dear Miss Keating. You know very well no one's allowed to leave until Mr.

Benson has addressed the personnel.

Not even you, Mr. Chambers.

Miss Keating, you've been J .J.'s junior secretary for two weeks, and you're

getting to talk like her.

You can tell her for me to make a recording of that speech, and I'll have

sealed in the cornerstone of Kaminsky's fish market.

Merry Christmas, Madame Benson.

Merry Christmas to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce your and my beloved employer, who has

usual butt?

never to be forgotten Christmas cheer for you. Madam J .J. Benson.

Here we go again.

My dear fellow workers, ladies and gentlemen.

My dear fellow workers, ladies and gentlemen. I shall not bore you with a

lengthy oration. I shall not bore you with a lengthy oration. First, last, and

always, I believe in hard work. First, last, and always, I believe in hard

How well I remember in the 90s the white lace gown created by this firm for the

first lady of the land.

I was, of course, a mere child of 30.

I was, of course, a mere child at the time.

And just as that honor inspired us then, may we now be inspired by...

Miss Manahan, you were discharged this morning. What are you doing here?

I was just wishing everybody a Merry Christmas.

I've worked with these girls five years. Three years as a married woman.

Distinctly against my rule.

A rank deception.

I'm sorry. You are no longer an employee, and if you are a customer, you

have left the store at ten.

Sorry. And thanks, Madam Benson, for a very Merry Christmas.

May we all continue to work in harmony.

And my sincere wishes for a Merry Christmas.

And... an industrious New Year.

Throw me my robe, will you, darling?

Thanks. Almost forgot.

Merry Christmas, darling.

Oh, Fred.

Didn't we promise not to buy each other any Christmas presents this year?

That's not fair.

What is it?

Here, I'll show you.

A bank.

Oh, Freddy, it's beautiful.

Reminds me, I won 30 cents in a craft game today.

Well, hand it over.

Maybe our luck is changing. I used my own dice.

Shame on you.

But I'm sure the stork won't object.

I asked for a soprano.

That thing's got a voice like a train announcer.

The neighbors will know how he stands for a dime.

Well, is it any disgrace to say for a baby?

Is this around? We can afford to have little Josephine in no time.

Joseph. Please, darling, if you have any influence at all, Joseph.

Josephine.

Joseph.

Josephine. You wouldn't settle for twins?

No, not at these prices.

Special delivery.

Special delivery.

I've got a feeling that you're Uncle George.

Why Uncle George?

Because the feeling I have is a thinking one.

Anyway, it couldn't be for much money. This memory would have sent us tumbling.

Collect.

Seven cents postage due.

It's Uncle George.

Sorry to give you all that in pennies.

I got paid today.

I get it, I get it. I request it.

Well, we're pretty lucky.

He only wants $35.

What for?

He says we wouldn't be interested.

Well, if he wants $35, you'll take $15. We'll give him $10.

You think we can afford even that?

No, we can't. But I suppose it's better than having him live with us.

Well, let's see.

Yoo -hoo! Mrs. Chambers!

Yes, Mrs. Everett.

You must convince me of Christmas before you go out tonight, Mrs. Chambers.

We're depending on you. And don't you disappoint us. No, we won't.

No, that's right. Don't you disappoint us.

$235. Tend Uncle George makes $225.

Why don't we start the new year right and ask Bob Benson for a raise?

We'd better leave well enough alone.

Let us expect we're married and we'll both be out of jobs.

At that rate, it'll be ten years before we can have a baby.

Someday I'll say so.

You could have been ten years old today instead of three if it hadn't been for

you, Uncle George.

According to the home economic page in the mirror,

You can have the baby very nicely for $500.

General says $400.

$500, $400. What loss is we got to have that kind of money? Babies are born

every day without it and they manage to grow into good men and women. Look at

me. All my father had was the will and a chest full of hair.

Darling. You were tired.

Oh, yeah.

I want a baby because they smell so nice.

She'll be so soft and gentle and so beautiful. People will look at her and

her parents must love each other very much.

Gosh, if we're going to that Christmas show, we ought to get started.

Yeah.

I'm told it's a great show.

I'm dying to see it.

There's a lot of good there.

Get dressed up and get out once in a while.

Mm -hmm.

Change your scenery.

Paint the town. Do it right.

You bet.

Hello?

Hello. Pardon me, but I had an appointment with... Pardon me.

Madam Benson's office.

Yes, there's plenty of time, sir.

For that?

Uh -huh.

It's a coat.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Well, I know.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

4 .30 will be all right.

Yes.

Goodbye.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Do you do this sort of thing professionally?

Or just Sunday school treats and Boy Scout things?

Heaven forbid.

Well, then why do you do it?

Well, into the jungle. Makes friends with the natives.

Oh, that's an important paper.

Oh, is it? Yeah.

When I finish with it, it'll all be in one piece again.

If it works out the way the man said. Now, you fold it over here.

And, uh, like this.

And you fold it over like that.

Now, da -pa -pa -da -pa -pa -dee -na.

Magic.

Nervous?

No cause for alarm.

Never came out like this before.

Yes,

Madam Benson?

Where is he? Where is that worthless son of mine? Are you Mr.

Benson? Mr.

Ralph Vivian Benson? Yeah, Vivian's for an old lad of mine. She lost her shirt

in 29.

Right away, Madam Benson.

Your mother's waiting for you.

Oh, yes.

Mother.

Get on with that one, Hootie.

Hello, darling.

Oh, darling me, you young wastrel.

You bankless whelp, you shameless squanderer. Oh, get away. You smell like

10th Avenue bar room. Park Avenue, darling. I'm still a Benson. A Benson

know the meaning of industry and dignity.

Now, what about these?

Three checks overdrawn in the last four days.

You're failing, old girl. Four checks in three days.

Ralph, Vivian Benson, there's only one thing left to do with you. You're going

to work.

No, no. Not that. Right here in this office where I can keep my eye on you.

But... Not another word out of you. You're going to work.

But... Do you think it's quite decent?

Decent? Am I going to work, I mean?

Making more money?

We have so much now.

You won't be making any more money, my boy. Merely earning what you get.

Mother, these are changing times. Great fortunes must no longer be accumulated.

Are you attempting to bore from within?

No, I'm just in favor of keeping the money in circulation.

Don't worry.

Better minds than yours at Washington are taking care of that.

It will be kept in circulation.

Yes, Madam Benson?

Miss Keating, this is my son, Ralph Vivian Benson.

How do you do?

Miss Keating, my son is joining our staff. I would appreciate it if you

impart to him the rudiments of conventional office routines.

I beg your pardon?

I would like you to become his secretary until further notice.

We will put Mr. Benson into poor old Mr.

Oglethorpe's old office. The one that Mr. Chambers has been using for his

advertising layout?

Mr. Chambers can move his spring advertising layout back into his own

Now, as to my son's title, we will call him Manager of Exploitation.

As you will discover, he has ideas.

But what about Mr. Chambers?

Isn't he supposed to be... I doubt if Ralph will offer him serious

In fact, if Ralph acts as a sort of catalytic agent to Mr.

Chambers' efficiency, I shall be more than gratified.

Mother, I can't tell you how I appreciate this chance. After the way

it's white of you.

Pure white.

And I'm going to make good, too, J .J.

I'm going to hit the line on my toes with my nose to the grindstone.

I'm going to... You're going to get out of here. I'm busy.

Yes, Mother.

Doesn't mother a dinger?

Catalytic agent. What do you suppose that is?

It's the thing that makes something else work.

Without working itself.

Oh, is it? Under those conditions, I accept the job.

Here it is.

Poor Mr.

Oglethorpe's old office.

Ah, yes. The home away from home.

Hello, Oglethorpe.

Well, you're quite a young man, aren't you? The way they spoke, I pictured you

with a long white beard.

Oglethorpe. This is Mr. Chambers, Mr. Benson.

Mr. Oglethorpe passed away six months ago.

Well, that's one on me. That's one on Oglethorpe.

So you're Chambers, eh? Miss Keating tells me you're very competent.

Thank you. That's most kind of Miss Keating. Miss Keating is also very

competent. Thank you. Thank you.

Ah, this will never do. You've got the place looking like a slop shop.

Horrible. Horrible.

But we needed simplicity.

Absolute simplicity.

Would you please tell me what you're trying to do to my office?

Sorry, my office.

Mr. Benson has just started to work for the firm, Mr. Chambers.

I see.

Well, look, don't strain yourself. I'll get the office boy to take my junk out

of here. Good.

If you don't mind, Miss Keating, I'd like you to take a letter. Would you get

your book, please?

Oh, sorry. Miss Kay is my personal secretary.

Couldn't possibly spare her.

Perhaps it's lunchtime, Mr. Chambers.

Lunch? That was the old Benson. No lunch.

Work right through.

We'll have a tray sent in from Pierre's.

Shove along, will you, Oglethorpe? So much to do.

Would you pop up on this couch and get that picture down before I break out in

five?

Take your time, Miss Kitty.

Oh, a boy's best friend is his mother.

How long do you boil eggs?

What do you want them for, Mr.

Chambers?

To eat, Mrs. Everett.

Soft or hard boiled?

Five to six minutes if you want them hard.

And put some vinegar in the water.

Thank you, Mrs. Everett.

Make an honest woman of me, please.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

You can't pull your maw.

It's burning.

I am.

Once, just once these last few weeks, you might have come home on time.

Oh, don't scold, darling. Just before Benson left the office, he told me to

the tailor about his ski suit.

The line was busy for an hour. I thought I'd go mad.

Of course, Mr. Benson's rompers are more important than my dinner.

How long have these been around the house?

Oh, that's the vinegar you smell. Don't you know how to boil eggs?

You big galoop. You're only supposed to use a few drops of this.

And some of it has soured that sweet pussy of yours.

Come on, now.

Tell us.

What's the matter with you?

You know, if your husband were half a man, he'd quit his job.

J .J.? Yeah.

Walked in this afternoon, gave the old shrew an idea that's worth at least $100

,000 a year.

Yeah? I wanted her to sell perfume with her clothes.

Had the whole campaign all mapped out.

Wear perfume to match your dress again. You know how those names are. I could

buy anything.

Idly, she wanted to know if I thought her customers smell bad. You didn't tell

her they smelled a high heaven or something and get fired.

I didn't even get past the first sentence. She just refused to listen to

Mumbled something about my having too many ideas and not enough good ones and

walked out. Oh, well, she's a pompous old lady.

Don't you worry. I think it's a wonderful idea and I'm proud of you.

Someday you'll... Here's a letter for me. Why don't you say something about

Oh, it's from Uncle George.

Well, be strong. Tear it up. If you never know what, then it will save at

ten bucks, and your conscience won't hurt you. Well, you're probably right,

you don't know what you're asking of a woman.

Well, you're a whole fun philosopher.

Uncle George has started paying off. Here's a check for 25 bucks.

I don't believe it. Let me see it.

$25 for the baby fund that would have been gone if I'd listened to you.

Mrs. Chambers?

Yes, Mrs. Debra?

Mr. Everett wants to know if you and Mr. Chambers will come to the concert with

us. Hmm? Hmm.

We'd love it. Fine.

Mr. Everett wants to know if he should get the ticket.

No, indeed, Mrs. Everett. You took us last time. Tonight, everything's on us.

Telegram from Mrs. Chambers.

Thirty -five cents. Collect.

Well, shall I tear it up? No, no. I'll tell your favorite lady.

Hiya. Keep the change.

Thank you.

Please destroy check. No funds in bank. Letter follows. Uncle George.

This is the only way to hear music. Perfect reproduction.

Just like being in the first row.

Yeah, that's right.

And the fact that concert tickets cost $2 a piece has nothing to do with the

case at all.

I understand perfectly.

Isn't it lovely?

Mr. Brahms must have adored his children to compose such beautiful music.

I'll bet he didn't have to fuss and campaign for five years before he got

What are you mumbling about?

I said I bet that when the Brahmses wanted a baby, they just went ahead and

one. Cost of living was cheaper in those days.

I also have a hunch that Mr. Brahms managed to provide for Mrs. Brahms all

himself. If you knew anything at all about music, you'd know there was no

Brahms. Please, children, the music.

You like the music?

Oh, it was beautiful, Mr. Dominic. Just beautiful. Oh, that's fine.

Then you're going to buy the record?

We certainly are, Dominic. Just as soon as we get a phonograph.

Oh, really?

You hadn't even got a phonograph?

Mr. Dominic, may we hear a box air for the G string played by Misha Ellman?

Sure.

Sure.

Anything you like.

Maybe you would like to eat spaghetti and some wine while you're listening to

the music.

With meat sauce?

Yes. With meat sauce.

Dominic, that's awfully nice of you.

It's nice of me.

Then go down to the restaurant. It's two doors down the street. Go in there. Go

in there.

You can finish dressing in the subway.

We're 12 minutes late now.

Mrs. Fred Chambers.

Happy birthday from Mr.

Brownstone, darling. How sweet of you to remember. I'd forgotten all about it.

I have an insurance team to do on your birthday.

They always send me a reminder.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Yeah, just to keep you out of trouble.

I'll smell so good all day I won't be able to bear it.

Oh, Fred.

What? Look.

What does he want around here? I don't know, but I'll get rid of him. You wait

here.

Good morning, Miss Keating. Good morning, Mr. Benson. Bus now leaving for

Benson. But really, Mr. Benson... Oh, happy birthday and all that sort of

How do you know it was my birthday? I get around. It's common talk along the

waterfront. Oh, really, Mr. Benson? The subway's so much faster. Oh, come, come,

Miss Keating. We'll be late to work. Oh, Mr. Benson.

Well? Well, it's about time you got in.

I want you to explain why we stand to lose our biggest account in Los Angeles.

What? We'll cancel all orders unless shipments made this week arrive in

LaGuardia Airport today. Irene Wells.

Well, say something.

Well, I... Ralph, you took the order yourself, didn't you? Of course I did.

Didn't I? Yes, Madam Benson. April 6th.

Well, Milo? But I told you, Madam Benson, they delayed shipping the

a month. Oh, stop quacking your mouth. But... How I've stood you for 18 years

beyond me. But... Go on. Go on. Do something about it. But... Yes, Madam

Nothing to do now but to undo the harm.

Ralph, you'll take Irene Wells to dinner and the theater.

Spare nothing.

Now, really, Mother?

More business is transacted on dance floors than at desks.

And be careful of Miss Wells, Ralph. She's an ex -follies girl who found she

could make more money in clothes than out of them.

Get her goodwill. Nothing more.

Mother, I don't think Irene Wells is my job.

Not your job? Why, you've been sitting around here doing practically nothing.

Oh, no, Mother. Thinking.

Thinking. Thinking what?

Ideas. What ideas? When did you ever get an idea?

Only this morning I had an idea. That is, we had an idea.

You have it all in your book, haven't you, Miss Keating? You know, the perfume

idea. Oh, yes, certainly. I remember very clearly.

You said it would definitely pay Benson & Company to sell perfume to match each

gown. For instance, with crinolines, westeria, or lilac. With the sport

heather. That's right.

And with a nightgown, new moon hay.

And with the... Stockings and girdles, just plain forget -me -nots.

Get it, Mother?

My boy, I really think you have something. I felicitate you. Oh, now,

it's as much Miss Keating's idea as it is mine. Madam Benson, it really isn't

idea at all. I'm sure you had a hand in it. You have a very good head, my dear.

I'm grateful.

But really, Madam Benson... Now, now, we're all working to the same end,

we? Teamwork, esprit de corps.

And get to work on that idea immediately. We'll have a confidence at

earliest possible moment. My son.

Miss Keating, whose birthday is this? Yours or mine?

This is J .P. Mormont.

Don't you think you've done enough for one day?

Oh, this is the last one. My dear Mrs. Mormont.

I wish you'll be here to serve you.

To Benson's office, Miss Keating speaking.

What's going on in there?

But of course, madam. The delivery will be made on time.

Cut out the double talk. How long do you think I can stand this?

Don't you trust us, madam?

Sure, I trust you.

But I'd trust you a lot more if that pixie wasn't in there with you.

And stop calling me madam.

Stop. Madam, we have years of integrity behind us. We are very jealous of our

reputation. And any attempt to doubt it will be strongly resented. All right, I

apologize. But when we get home tonight, remind me to show you the half Nelson

and the hammerlock.

They're a girl's best friend.

It won't be necessary.

The store's motto is, more flies can be caught with honey than with vinegar.

Honey? Flies?

Hey, what's going on in there?

May we suggest, Mrs. Marmont, in accordance with your waist measurements,

special essence of elephant hide. And I might add, in my own opinion, that no

perfume in the world could remove the stench of your late husband's swindling

wall three -thumb years ago with undying affection, et cetera, et cetera, et

cetera. Except for Mrs. Marmont, we've done all right today.

I'd like to go now if there's nothing else I can do for you.

Oh, but there is.

But my uncle, we're having dinner.

Ah, yes, you are.

Of course.

I had an uncle once. J .J.'s brother.

He was the rip -roaringest guy that ever drank and gambled his way from Maine to

Mexico. We all knew he'd end on the gallows. And did he?

Well, he fell in love with a schoolteacher, settled down in Clarinda,

raised six children, and became a pillar of the church. He sounded much more

romantic before he met the girl.

Well, he was a lot happier afterwards.

How long have I been here, Joan?

Three months, Mr. Benson.

The name's Ralph?

Yes, Mr. Benson.

You don't you don't think a man can change in three months. Do you care for

Benson? Oh, you'll end up in clothing to Iowa John if you just knew how much I

saved by the bell don't ask if you don't mind I'd better go now and you won't

forget about your wicked old uncle and have dinner with me Aren't you

you have a dinner date with Irene? Well, oh that

Well chambers you're working late tonight, aren't you what are you

doing? It's so important writing myself threatening letters

If you can't find anything more interesting to do, I have a little tour

Yeah? Irene Wells is in from the coast, and naturally she has to be entertained.

Naturally? How would you like to be the entertainer? That's very wide of you,

Benson, old boy, but I couldn't bear to deprive you of the pleasure.

Look, old man, I'd do it myself, but confidentially.

I'm after a bigger game tonight. Lovely girl.

Everything is working out all right, I hope?

Well, she's a little stubborn, but I think she'll break down. That's great.

Good luck.

Really, old man, there's no one in the world I'd rather take out tonight than

Irene Wells, charming woman.

Probably the loveliest account we have on our books. I'll sell her the store.

There, Miss Keating. That's the kind of cooperation I like to see around here.

Now we can have dinner together.

You're so right, Mr. Benson, and I accept.

But I warn you, I'll be ravenously hungry.

You shall have the works, Miss Keating. Two kinds of ice cream.

Well, Chambers, get Miss Wells a little tight at dinner.

After the theater, your time is your own. Miss Keating will make all the

arrangements about tickets and all that sort of thing. But not the part where my

time is my own.

My friend.

More business can be done in the back seat of a cab than in the front seat of

cunt.

I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful time.

Why don't you speak for yourself, jerk?

Well, is everybody deaf out here?

I thought I heard voices.

Excuse me, isn't your buzzer buzzing, Mr.

Benson? It couldn't possibly be mine. I left a full half hour ago, grimy with a

sweat of honest toil.

Yes, but you will kindly assure my mother of that fact.

Yes, Mr. Benson.

If anything important develops, Miss Keating and I will be at Pierre's. You

reach me there, but I prefer that you didn't. Don't worry.

I won't.

I'm sorry, Madam Benson. I've been buzzing and buzzing and buzzing. I'm

I didn't hear a thing.

Oh, Wesley, this is my son Ralph. He's in the firm now.

How do you do? This is Mr. Howard of Burson Howard in Cleveland.

Milo, Mr. Howard is leaving first thing in the morning. I want two models in the

salon immediately.

Well, I'm afraid, Madam Benson, that it's quite late. Everyone has gone home.

Home? At this hour? Why?

Well, it's customary. If I can do anything... You're not going to model

lingerie. Not in my establishment.

Miss Keating, have you ever done any modeling?

Why, no.

Well, it's not difficult. Quite simple, in fact.

I'm sure Miss Keating will show our new numbers most effectively.

I don't think she will.

What's that?

I mean...

Well, the girl's never modeled before. It's an art.

You just can't acquire that sort of thing in ten minutes. Art isn't

acquired, old man.

Miss Keating has certain natural advantages that most professional models

possess. Really?

I hadn't noticed.

It isn't your place to notice. One can't help noticing the obvious, Mother dear.

Well, it's obvious.

The girl's bow -legged.

She's not bow -legged. She is bow -legged. She's not bow -legged.

Yes, she is bow -legged.

Pardon me, Mother. I make a suggestion.

No one will make a suggestion. Miss Keating will model.

Anna, you will take it and select the garments. Wesley, we will go on in.

Milo. I'll be in presently, Mother.

It's about time I learned all the ifs, ands, and buts of this business.

And now, my friend, whatever gave you the idea Miss Keating has bow legs,

whatever gave you the idea she hasn't.

You were splendid.

Even the models couldn't have done better. Thanks, Anna.

But I think I'll speak to my typing after this.

Miss Keating, you did remarkably well. I am very pleased. Thank you, Madam

Benson. Mr. Howard bought nicely.

And now he wants to see some nightlife.

Buyers always do. I told him that you would go along with him. Well, I'd like

to. Good nightclubs bore me. You will, of course, be paid for overtime, but try

to start yawning early.

Hurry now. Mr. Howard is waiting. Yes, Madam Benson.

Now remember, Chambers, my boy, a woman is a very delicate instrument.

Something like a violin?

Yes, that's right.

Only to make sweet music, a man must play a woman with champagne, orchids,

little attention.

My women love me for myself.

An adolescent attitude, Chambers, and one which may cost the firm dearly. Be

more adult with Miss Wells. Give her the best of everything. At our expense, of

course. Of course.

A discreet table in the corner, dim lights, all the props.

And then... And then?

And then, on your way home...

At the psychological moment?

Yes.

Well, just don't let her down. That's been my system and it's never failed.

It was sweet of you to break your engagement for me. Not at all. Good

Benson and Mr.

Chambers. We'll have dinner at Pierre's, shall we?

Well, Nero, looks like you'll have to get yourself another fiddle.

You certainly don't think I'm looking forward to doing the town in Benson

clothes, Benson jewels, and with an imported Benson board, do you?

Why are you doing it? I don't know what you're so sore about.

I don't think I'm going to stay here all night while you cart Irene Wells around

from one gym to another.

After all, I have to live too, you know.

I don't think you can stick me away in some apartment while you... Some

apartment? Is that all you think of this place, some apartment?

Two thousand a joint cost me.

Don't call it a joint.

Well, why don't you stay in it and wait for me?

Why don't you stay and wait for me?

Wait for you.

Well, somebody plays you like a violin.

Huh? Yeah, it's like a violin.

I have to stand around and listen to it.

Well, how do you like that? My own wife.

Well, this is the end.

Here, write.

What are you talking about? Your resignation.

Oh, stop being a fool.

I just have, and you're about to become a housewife. What about Josephine?

Joseph. All right, then what about it?

Right this minute, all I care about is us.

What good is Joseph going to be if I wind up with the Irene Welses and you

up the Bensons?

I want to be the father of your Joseph, not Irene Welses.

Oh, sweetheart, look at us. Here we are fighting when we want to love. All

because you want a child with a finishing school education even before

born. Please.

Now, from now on, I'm the breadwinner in this family, and what I say goes.

You're quitting the J .J. Benson Company without the usual two weeks' notice.

But, Fred, we haven't much more to go in our overtime tonight. I'll cut that way

down and... Right.

Or I'll spill the beans to J .J. in the morning. You wouldn't do that.

To keep you, I'd spill it tonight.

You do and you won't keep me.

Please, darling.

I want to have my child in my own way. Not yours.

You'd leave me?

Oh, I've hurt you.

Why are you shaking?

Why shouldn't I?

Joseph was almost an orphan.

Come here, Hope. Let's go to work.

Where's Joseph?

Josephine. The tickets are in on the desk.

They were delivered half an hour ago.

Don't accept any candy.

Good night.

Don't let it drive you home through Central Park.

We've reached our objective.

Follow the text, men.

Go right back and bring us some reinforcements.

Forward!

Mr. Benson, I had a lovely evening.

There we are, safe at home.

Benson's ever said it best, rescuing damsels from boars. Very good customer,

Howard, but the grandfather of all boars.

Well, I do appreciate your rescue, Mr. Benson, but it's quite late.

Good night, Mr. Benson.

A soldier never relinquishes his post until he's relieved. Call out the guard.

What ho, the guard!

The guard, I think, is in bed.

But you'll have to take over, Joan. Right shoulder up.

But, Mr. Benson... Right shoulder, Miss Keating. Now then, follow me. Ready?

Forward, march!

It's three o 'clock in the morning. I've got to get up so early.

What? Come to work at noon. Come in at four. I won't even be there. Ralph!

What's wrong?

That's just what I'd like to know.

If I heard correctly, you called me Ralph.

Do you realize it's the first time you've ever called me that?

No more guard duty for you, Joan.

I'm going to fire a 21 -gun salute in your honor.

Just one gun, please.

It's so late.

Just one gun, then.

Very sorry.

It wasn't a good salute.

It'll go right away, though.

Oh. Oh, dear, sit down.

Hold your breath. I'll get you a drink of water.

It was the water. I turned on the hot... Why didn't you warn me you were in

here? Your nanny scared me to death. His car was blown in the face. Is that what

you call entertaining a buyer? He joined us at dinner. There was nothing I could

do about it. Well, I can.

Fred, where are you going? I'm going to throw General Burp out of here. Oh,

please, Fred, no. I'll get rid of him in a minute. Please don't. Well, make it

snappy. And I'd also like a little explanation about those tickets you got

Last row in the balcony. Fine place to make an impression.

Here, take a sip.

I want some coffee.

Let's make some coffee. Oh, but Mr. Benson, what is the best thing in the

for you?

Oh, but Mr. Benson, that'll keep you awake.

Oh, what's to sleep? Oh, please, Mr. Benson.

What you need is a cold towel.

Yes, a cold towel on your head.

That's a very intelligent idea.

Hello. Good morning, Mr. Benson.

Would you please be a little more explicit?

What morning?

It's Thursday.

You spent the night here.

Oh. I suppose I was quite a mellow fellow and made a complete ass

of myself.

No. You just had a bad piece of ice.

Oh?

And I didn't make a complete ass of myself?

No. Oh.

Oh.

Do you hear sort of a buzzing sound, or is that just my imagination?

No, I don't hear a thing.

I must be sicker than I thought.

Is that coffee, Miss Keating?

Yes. The hand that made you fair has made you good.

Shakespeare.

There.

Isn't that better? Well, I don't seem to hear that buzzing sound anymore, but I

think I feel worse.

It's getting awfully late, Mr. Benson. I think you'd better go.

Oh. Don't stand up.

I'll get your coat.

Either take my hand or get me a seeing -eye dog.

Oh, Mr. Benson, please.

I'm sorry, Aunt Bray. I was too optimistic.

What's the next best thing?

You'll be much better off at home.

That's it.

You get a cab and go to the office. Charge it to me.

I'll go home and laugh this off.

Don't think it hasn't been charming. Perhaps you'll invite me again sometime,

daughter.

bottom before somebody walks in and breaks up this game. Calm yourself,

gentlemen. This is the one room forbidden to Robinson, and nine is the

I always make.

I'm out two bucks now, but here's another buck says you don't. You're

You know, Williams, a man like you in the payroll department should be above

money troubles. Simply give yourself a raise.

Yeah, that's easy. Just like flying to the moon. All you gotta do to get a

is to be in with Ralphie, boy. Like that Keating dame. Come on, roll him. What

about that Keating dame?

Nothing about her, except I just gave her a ten dollar raise, that's all.

J .J.'s orders, on account of Keating, gave Ralphie Boy some new idea about

perfume. New idea about perfume?

Come on, roll it, will you?

Yeah.

Oh, darling, I can hardly wait to tell you the most wonderful thing happened.

Yeah, I know. You got a ten -buck raise for putting ideas in Mr. Benson's head.

Well, let me explain, will you? I tried to tell him it was your idea, but I

couldn't get a word in H -wise.

Aren't you even listening?

Hmm. Elks are having a convention in Little Rock. Believe me, darling, I felt

awful about it, but it just got harder and harder to tell them.

Will you stop sulking and say something, or is that paper so important?

Well, there's nothing like taking a nice long walk alone.

Oh! Oh, good evening. Good evening. We knocked on your wall. Are you coming

us? Coming where?

To the movies. It's Wednesday, bank night.

Well, we go every Wednesday. What's playing?

I think Frankenstein.

The daughter of Frankenstein. You slept with the rest of the family.

Oh, did I?

Would you care to go, my sweet?

It's entirely up to you, my pet. I'm putty in your hands.

Well, perhaps not tonight, my dear.

You see, Mrs. Chambers was up rather late last night trying out our new

Come along, precious.

Good luck.

Good night. We hope you win. Thank you. Sorry you can't go with us. What a

charming couple. So loving, so considerate of each other. Don't you

sickening sort of a way, yeah.

Would you please put that paper down and listen to me?

No one's denying it was your idea.

No one else's. I tried to tell Ralph it was yours.

What's that?

I said I tried to tell Ralph Benson the truth. No, you didn't. You said Ralph.

Well, what if I did? You call Madam Benson JJ, don't you?

Oh, that's different.

Look, Joan, don't let's start this again.

Who's starting it? I merely said that... All right, I'll confess all.

I'm passionately in love with Ralph Benson.

I need a double dive.

Every night when you're asleep, I steal to his side.

That is fine.

Perfectly. Then turn out the light, please.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Let me rub it for you. Oh, don't bother, Florence Nightingale.

Oh.

Darling, promise to tell me the truth if I ask you something?

If it doesn't incriminate me.

Fred, aren't you secretly wishing you were single again?

With no budgets of worry or scrimping or lying about ourselves downtown?

Don't you ever get tired of coming to the same cage every night?

Sure, once in a while.

And then sometimes at the office I see this lovely gal walk by and for a minute

I forget it's you and something happens in my throat.

And then suddenly I realize she's my wife.

I want to pinch myself because I'm such a lucky guy.

There's your answer.

Dolly. Hmm?

You're doing a wonderful job, but you're rubbing the wrong leg.

Dolly.

Two hundred dollars waiting for some lucky person.

Here it is.

The last two numbers. Number six, three. Page six in volume three.

All right, this is it.

H -O -O -5 -H -G. Mr.

Fred Chambers.

Number eight.

No. Telephone him and tell him he's only got three minutes. Three minutes?

Number 8 -0 -5 -8

-G. Fred Chambers.

I can't hear you.

I think you got the wrong number.

Listen, listen. You tell Mr. Chambers that he's just won three minutes.

He's got $200.

$200?

No, I got no $200.

Look, look, you foot -sore bundle of grief. You run up to the Tivoli Theater.

You run upstairs and tell Mr.

Chambers to get down to the Tivoli Theater right away. Now, do as I tell

All right, don't get excited. I go up and tell him.

Upstairs, downstairs, all day long.

Oh, Miss.

Mr. Chambers.

Mr. Chambers.

Yes, yes.

What's up?

Mr. Everett said you have to come to the Tivoli Theater.

You want $200.

What? He said you only got three minutes.

Three minutes? Where are my pants?

Where are my pants? Here.

Here's $300.

Oh, this is a cold

Everything's quiet and peaceful

I think I'm going to cry.

Lady, it won't do you a bit of good.

Come on, get up out of there.

Appearing with an officer in the performance of his duty. And where do I

that boyfriend of yours?

Don't feel bad, dear. We got the consolation prize.

I don't see what you have to laugh about.

You've got no sense of humor.

You won't laugh after you see the judge.

Will they? No.

I don't get it.

He doesn't get it.

This is not a man's job anyway.

When we're rich, we'll buy all those electric gadgets.

If we keep on paying $10 fines, Josephine will get over that in a day.

You could boil this down and make soup.

Well, Emily Post says, always leave a little on the plate.

What's on for tonight?

Surprise. The average Walton sells a new phonograph.

No. Yes.

And we're all going over to Dom Nick's to buy records. Oh, you die of shock.

Take out or receive the new machine.

I'll be back in a minute.

Open up. I command you in the name of the sweet charity.

Who's that?

Sweet charity. He wants to come in.

Is anybody home in there?

Yes, Mr. Benson.

Wait till I get used to saying it at the office.

Give me that plate. Oh, you can't do that.

I can if you don't spoil my aim. Oh, no, Fred, listen. You go on over to

Everett's. I'll get with him in five minutes, I promise you. All right, but I

promise you this is the last time I'm going to be shoved out of my own home.

Oh, uh, I wasn't expecting... I see you, Mr. Benson.

Oh, I just happened to be passing by.

Oh, now, why couldn't I make that sound more convincing?

As a matter of fact, I've been planning this visit for weeks.

I, uh... John, there's something I want to show you. Show her something?

What does he want to show her?

Mr. Benson, I, um... I have a dinner date, and, um... Well, I'm expecting

someone any minute.

And I'm the someone.

Keep your head down, Freddie.

I got it over at Francois' on the avenue just a few minutes ago.

Oh, it's an engagement ring.

It's beautiful.

He's trying to marry my wife.

I'm afraid that's a compliment.

J .J., practically be your mother -in -law.

I got it on approval.

I told Francois I wasn't quite sure whether I'd need it.

In fact, I'm not quite sure at all.

It's beautiful.

Francois assured me I had nothing to worry about.

A man like you, he said, a girl would be crazy to turn you down.

Naturally, he's anxious to make a sale.

These days, uh...

People aren't buying much jewelry.

Money isn't everything.

I'm quoting Francois.

Still, it's nice to have a rich mother who gives you an allowance of 500 a

And, he added, that ain't Lafayette.

That's French for hay.

Yes. I took two years of French in high school.

I'm going in and spike that marriage in all that it is. You're going to stay

here and keep your job. Yeah, and my job, too. You do as she tells you. I've

an idea.

What are you going to do? Oh, never mind what I'm going to do. I've never failed

in an emergency yet, have I?

Lots of girls would give their right eye to marry, Francois told me.

And then he shook my hand and said, in fact, if I were a girl, I'd marry you

myself.

A Frenchman.

Well, Joan, what do you think?

Does Francois know what he's talking about?

Beautiful.

And when you leave, I'll cry.

But it's impossible.

I'm in love, Mr. Benson.

Desperately in love.

Could you at least stop calling me Mr. Benson?

Please, Ralph.

Someday you'll find a girl, a very lovely girl, I'm sure, and you'll be

happy.

This is my first proposal.

At least with wedding bells ringing in my ears.

I'm sorry, Ralph.

Well... I guess this will teach that Frenchman not to be overconfident.

Should come in dear congratulations. Oh man.

Well, I'm a front where you oughta meet That Damon rubber

If Milo'd only had enough brains to be turned my beads. I couldn't, my dear. I

had a singleton. You always have a singleton but never have clumps. Well,

help it if I had bad cards? If you held a grand slam, you wouldn't know what to

do with it. How do you expect a man's mind to function when he's being kicked

under the table?

Oh, nothing short of dynamite could change your luck. Remember the old

unlucky at cards, lucky at love, you know.

I make it $320.

$320.

At a hundredth of a cent a point, that's 32 cents, Milo. Couldn't you take it

out of the house money? Certainly not.

It was time we were getting along.

Well, good night, everybody. Good night.

Milo, the next time I leave the tenant club... According to Culbertson, my

Culbertson, you can't even spell it.

A -U -L... Oh!

What did never go?

Won't be long now.

Nope. Not if they keep getting bad cards and my crapshoot man holds out. Yeah,

and if you haven't been putting slugs in there again.

Listen to that little angel. His stomach's so full, he's purring.

I dream of Jeannie with a life down there.

Born like a bird.

That's enough.

Who do you suppose that is?

Well, no matter who it is, I'm not getting out tonight.

I've been on that far escape so much that pigeons are building nests in me.

Oh, just a moment.

Mrs. Benson.

Madam Benson.

Pigeons, here I come.

Open the door, child.

Oh, Madam Benson, come in. Good evening.

Won't you please sit down?

Over there would be more comfortable.

Well, I think I'll relax after we've had our talk.

Sit down, my dear. Thank you.

Well, I'm surprised.

Yes, so am I, in my own fashion.

When did you see my son last?

Tuesday. That is, I think it was Tuesday.

Go on.

Well, it was after office hours.

Yes, I know. He came here for a few minutes and then left.

His chauffeur reports to me occasionally.

Oh, that's dreadful.

Forgive me, I didn't mean to say that.

What did Ralph want?

Well, he was... He had some idea about merchandising and he wanted me to get

some data for him.

What is your first name, child?

Joan. Why do you lie to me, Joan?

I suppose you think that I'm a hard -bitten old woman, don't you? Well,

deny it.

But I've come here humbly. All I want is the truth about Ralph.

He was with you on Tuesday night.

He's been on a... Well, he's been away for three days.

I'm not a fool. I can see it was on account of you, Joan.

What happened?

Well, he... He asked me to marry him.

Joan, it's not a coincidence that since he's known you, he's been a changed man.

I've been proud of him.

Why did you say no?

Sorry.

Is there another man?

Well, in a way.

I see.

Well, there's nothing more to be said.

Do you plan to marry soon?

Not making much money right now.

I see.

Well, good night, Joan, and thank you. Good night.

What's the commotion in Mr. Chambers' office?

I don't know, but he just had a session with J .J.

Come in, dear.

Don't mind the mess.

You know how it is on moving day. Fred, what's happened?

J .J. Benson employees' annual excursion to Bear Mountain.

Funny how we both photographed cross -eyed.

What did J .J. say to you?

J .J.? Oh, yes, I remember.

Quaint old relic.

I used to work for him.

Fred. But we've nothing to worry about. We can always fall back on Uncle George.

Darling, she couldn't have fired you. But why?

Why did Lincoln free the slaves? Why did St. Francis free the bird? Madam Benson

is a humanitarian.

Even though she did say her son could do my work more efficiently.

Come on, get your things. Let's get out of this concentration camp.

Oh, darling.

Let's think this thing over.

Let's not be foolish.

What's that? Well, one of us has to work. At least till you find another

Until you start making money again.

If I quit now, it'll set us back for months.

Oh, Fred.

Let's be sensible.

I'm sensible enough not to leave you here around that misguided Casanova.

You sound like you don't trust me.

It's that weak -kneed Timberwolf that I don't trust.

Please, darling, I've got to go now.

Joan, don't go.

Joan, the old lady's been buzzing you all over the place. Better skip.

Thanks, Mindy. We'll talk it over tonight, darling.

Forget your pride, darling. But, Joan...

Hiya,

Fred. What'll it be? Plane check. The boys in the back room still accept

strangers? Sure, Fred.

But look, them boys back there don't catch hay when they roll them bones.

Them's big steaks.

That's for me.

Get your bets up, boys. Get your bets up.

Let her ride.

Okay, let him go.

Come on, Dice. A big natural.

Well, we'll lose it if he wins.

There goes the bassinet. Get your bets down, boys. Get your bets down.

Okay, let him go.

Not natural. Not natural.

Her face is a loser. The field wins again.

There goes the baby carriage.

Get your bets up, boys. Get your bets up.

Coming out.

Come on, Dice. Don't let Papa down.

Unnatural.

Wars the line.

Come on, little Joe.

Three eights. Three eights. Come on, three eights.

Seven a loser.

Yeah, little Joe.

Thanks, Judah.

You might have telephoned me that you were going to be gone all night.

I waited up for you.

Very considerate. Very considerate indeed.

What are you looking for?

A job.

What you need is a good day's sleep.

Thanks. I get two.

Where are you going all dressed up? To work. It's all of nine.

Oh, yeah, work.

I remember now.

Take a note, Miss Keating. Remind me to look for a job when I wake up.

Well, that's one thing we won't worry about.

We'll manage.

We'll just explain gently to Josephine that she'll...

You'd have to wait a while.

Now what are you looking for?

Well, if you tell me what you want, I'll find it for you.

The bank book.

What bank book?

You know what bank book. The baby fund.

Well, what are you going to do with it?

That's not your money or mine either.

We can't touch that at all.

Suppose I told you I've already touched it Suppose I told you I've gambled away

every cent of it and more besides and suppose I told you I was going to change

My address to the county jail as I made good the checks. I drove.

What do you think of that?

You won't have to change the order dress You'd quit guess me when I ask you this

wouldn't happen still happy on that I do You and your ten -cent pride trying to

make a noise like a husband, then going out and acting like a spoiled brat.

The big, strong home protector, the breadwinner, the provider.

Too proud to let your wife work, but not too proud to rob a baby bank. What's

wrong with a man trying to make enough money so he doesn't have to stand by

watching the whole Benson family make a love to his wife?

If we'd afford it, I'd have a nervous breakdown.

Breakdown? Fat chance for your big ego.

The baby eye in our home can all go as far as you're concerned, so long as the

chamber's flag keeps flying in the breeze.

You'll forgive me if I've had enough.

If you don't forgive me, I've still had enough.

Coffee's on the top shelf.

No cream.

I'm going to work.

Give my love to the Benson's.

Here's something you overlooked.

Another

little

drink, sir? Oh, no, no, no, no. I know my limit.

Well,

just put a head on this.

Where is it at?

That is probably with me.

Oh.

Oh, here we go.

Frederick Chambers.

That's me.

Frederick Chambers is summoned to report to Superior Court.

Plain ordinary court wasn't good enough for her.

No, she's got to have Superior Court.

Yeah, yeah. Before Judge Siegelwasser.

10 a .m. May 12th. Oh, Freddy, it's terrible. You know, the thought of you

young people bringing up distresses me.

It makes me feel so... Um, JJ's not here. Go ahead and crack your knuckles.

thank you. The place is yours, Milo.

Now, here.

All right, there.

Greatest cure for distress known to man. Oh, no, no, no, I've had enough. I...

No, no, I'd rather not. I...

Well, if you insist.

Why, Chambers, I suppose to congratulate you on your new job.

Why not?

When are you sailing and why?

Hey, Klopp, want to come along?

To China?

Not for twice the tea they're giving you. I once did publicity for a South

American revolution, and that was enough. Hey, look. See that scar?

Oh, a machine gun bullet?

Heck no, a general's wife.

I'll leave the suicidal instincts to you young fellas. Good luck. Bye.

Thanks, old man. Thank you.

I get it now, sir. That's it.

To get her back, you're going to risk your neck to make a lot of money

That's the idea, isn't it?

Milo, you've been drenched.

I kind of envy you going to China, though.

Mysterious Orient.

Must be a wonderful land of adventure, huh?

Land of 200 bucks a week for six months.

It could last that long.

That settles it. My mind is made up, Freddie.

I've been in Madam Benson's clutches for 18 years. I'm going with you. Come on.

What are we waiting for? Let's get going. Come on.

Go without saying goodbye to the madam? Oh, sure. But we can't do it this

afternoon. She's going to be busy with Ralph's grand opening of the perfume

department or something.

Oh, my. Did you say grand opening? Yes. Perfume department? Perfume department.

And it's too bad, too, because we should make a gesture of farewell.

You know, Milo.

We are going to make a gesture of farewell.

What do you mean by that?

Let's not doubt it. Come on, there's men's work to be done. Well, what do you

mean by that? I'll tell you all about it, Milo.

Afternoon, Mr. Everett. Yeah, hello, Joe.

Take the rest of the day off, will you? Oh, thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you.

Scummy dog.

In combining the popular gown, blue mitten.

With the excitingly new odor, lingering lotus, Madame Bentham has again

displayed the perfect balance and taste.

Well,

that's a very novel idea you have here.

Beautiful, beautiful.

What have you got that would go with black lace? I'm interested in a widow.

are interested in a widow.

Pardon me, please.

Excuse me. My, what a cute little pink knee.

May I hold him? Oh, yes, yes. But don't point it at anyone, will you?

Imagine yourself clad in old lace, the fragrance of lavender drifting through a

moonlit garden.

Something's come into the garden.

And now comes the breeze from the South Sea, its exotic odor.

Hello, hello, Vincent.

Had any brilliant new ideas lately? Why don't you guys get out of here? You

shouldn't talk to a customer that way now. Listen to your mama. A customer's

always right.

How much is this?

$60. $60.

50 cents.

So sorry, I slipped.

Shock, you know. Listen, Chambers, if I were in better shape... $45.

Oh, my God.

So sorry, I slipped.

$40 for that.

Don't hand me. I'm perfectly capable of locomotion. I suppose you're aware, Mr.

Chambers, that I could have you put in jail for a long time.

Leaving a clear field for your son to marry my wife. Not bad, Madam Benson.

bad at all.

Say that again.

Don't tell me the idea hasn't occurred to Madam.

I want to speak to these men alone.

Don't you want to prefer charges?

We're holding one of the skunks as a material witness.

No. Please leave. All of you.

How long have you and Joan been married?

We spent our honeymoon weekend two years ago working overtime on your fall

inventory sale.

When did you separate?

About 12 hours after you fired me. Any more questions?

No? Then I'll ask you some.

Madam Benson, has it ever occurred to you what a wicked old fluff you really

are? If it hasn't, just stop sometime and find out what people around here

of you.

I don't mean the old fossils who buy your clothes. I mean the people who sew

design and sell them. The little people.

Peggy Manahan, the girl you fired because she was supporting her husband

was out of work.

Milo, who's had everything decent knocked out of him after working 18

under your thumb.

But one of these days, Madam Benson is going to fall out of her little niche,

smack on her million -dollar bustle.

Oh, what's the use?

I'd need an anti -tank gun to penetrate that arm of yours.

Good day. Sorry if I haven't disturbed you.

Well, Milo, what have you to say for yourself?

I've been wanting to do that, Madden Benson, for 18 years.

At last, I'm a free soul.

Master of my destiny. Captain of my fate. Sit down.

I will not sit down.

And stop cracking your knuckles.

I will not stop cracking my knuckles. And furthermore, if I had one ounce of

blood in my veins, I'd be going with him. Going where?

To China, that's where. To risk his neck at some fool publicity job because

there's $400 a week in it. For his wife. Not for him, but for his wife.

He's leaving tonight.

And it's a dangerous job, and he might not come back.

Now, what do you think of that?

Thank you. Thank you for telling me.

Well, I guess that's all, so far as I'm concerned. So I'll pack my things and

go.

Yes, yes, of course.

It's been a terrible 18 years, but I'm sorry to leave.

Am I going to have trouble with you, too?

Take tomorrow off and be back to work Monday morning.

You mean you want me to just ask you... Yes, yes.

Go on.

Oh, thank you, Madam Benson.

Thank you.

Hello,

Mother. Good evening, Madam Benson.

We kept you so late, darling. Picking up broken bottles?

Yes, and some other surprises as well.

Your husband and I had a very interesting monologue this afternoon.

He's a more positive character than I thought. I'm afraid I'm not much

interested in his character, Madam Benson.

I was just telling Ralph I'm getting a divorce.

Oh, really? Well, I'm quite relieved. And in that case, his going away can't

matter very much to him.

Going away?

Yes, to some outlandish place. China, I believe.

China? Why China?

Oh, heaven only knows. He's accepted some idiotic job that will probably cost

him his life.

He's got some sophomoric idea that making a lot of money quickly will solve

your problems. Well, good riddance, I say. Come, let's go into dinner.

Wait, Madam Benson.

He couldn't do a thing like this.

Just as I thought.

Look at me, child.

It's bad enough for old fools like me to make mistakes.

His boat sails in an hour.

Oh, that's great news.

What do you expect Joan to do about it? I think that's up to Joan.

Can you send for your car, Madam Benson?

Just a minute, Joan. Don't you think Milo can wave his hanky from the dock as

well as you? Please, Ralph. He's probably still drunk and doesn't know

doing.

Yes, madame? Tell Simmons to get the car in front, quickly.

But Simmons is gone for the evening, madame. Oh, so he has.

Ralph will drive you then.

Oh, Ralph will not. What did you say?

I'm sorry, darling, but for my part, Fred Chambers is better off in China,

refuse to be an accomplice in slitting my own throat.

Please, Ralph.

Do you love him?

No, but I... I don't want him killing himself over me.

Why not?

Ralph, for the last time, will you drive her to Chambers?

Sorry, but I'm going to drink a bon voyage toast to a departing friend.

Can you drive, child? No, madam, then. Very well, I'll drive you myself.

Uh -oh, mother hasn't driven a car in 20 years. You still want to go? Yes.

Good luck, ladies. Phone me from the hospital. I'll send you a basket of

figs.

Where are you going, you poor looker?

This operates a little differently from the electric model I learned on.

Fred, that any man who travels... Fred!

Hello, Joan, dear.

Hello, Henry. Hello, Joan, dear.

Well, good evening, ladies.

Sorry I haven't time to serve tea.

I detest tea. My only person coming was to deliver Mrs. Chambers. How nice.

You have no business here, have you, Milo?

Not now, no.

Milo is driving me to the boat. Get the car in front, will you, Milo? All right,

but my heart won't be in it.

Call us if you need anything, either of you.

And now, young man, perhaps you'll explain this little jaunt of yours.

It's just the call of spring that makes me want to send picture postcards with X

showing my room. I long for a land where they never heard of fashion trends.

You can understand, Madam Benson. I cannot, and I hate stupidity.

Furthermore, I hope that you'll meet several antagonistic submarines.

I'll wait for you outside, Joan.

Why do you always have to make things so tough?

You can't pack. You never could.

Now that we're alone, you might tell me the truth about this China business.

Do you suppose you'd recognize the truth if you heard it? I know why you're

going. You were probably too drunk to know what it was all about when you took

the job, and now you're ashamed to back out. You ought to know all about drunks.

Being private secretary, they're one of the best. I assure you that Ralph Benson

at his worst would have more brains than to do anything as ridiculous as this.

And why is the ex -Mrs. Chambers to be so concerned about what I do? Believe

my sweet, I don't give a hoot what you do.

I mean, I hate to see a man I once respected make a fool of himself over

A melodramatic whim.

Don't be reactionary, Mrs. Chambers.

Where would you be today if Columbus' ex -wife talked him out of traveling?

What about the food over there?

Charmaine always did make you big, yes?

Remember? My stomach's been much better these last few weeks.

How about this carpet? It's awfully dirty. I could rinse it out for you.

bother. I'm going to the land of laundries.

If you're still going, the car's out front. We have exactly 12 minutes. Here.

I wish somebody else was driving.

Oh, Joan, can't you do something?

Skip the certain mile. I'll be down in a minute.

Fred, don't go. Look, if I don't get downstairs in 30 seconds, I'll miss the

boat. Well, miss it then.

Please. Fred, remember what you said to me. Here we are fighting what we should

be loving. I remember that.

That's all I do remember ever since you went so far away from me. Far?

I've been a couple blocks away all the time. No, you haven't.

You've been on the other side of the world, and it's time you came back to

Even if, like your father, you bring only the will and the justful favor.

Louder, Emily.

Louder. No, it wouldn't work. We'd be right back where we started. Sure we

would, with bills and budgets and you working so we could have a baby with a

silver spoon and a fancy wardrobe.

No, we'll try it my way this time.

Don't forget the picture postcard.

Maybe we should answer it. What a ring.

Maybe it's important.

Who's the master of this house?

You are, Nidova.

Hello, Western Union calling.

Is Mr. Fred Chambers there?

Yes, this is Mr. Chambers.

We have a telegram for you.

Collect. All right, go ahead.

Please rush $200. My wife is going to have a baby. Signed, Uncle George.

Take an answer. Collect.

Sorry. So is mine.