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1
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,811
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock.
2
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,814
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock.
3
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,234
I am Vlad the Impaler Dracula,
you can all suck my cock...
4
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,325
Superb! Like Fluxus films!
5
00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:17,286
Brilliant mise-en-scène!
6
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:20,873
I'm this film's writer and director.
7
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:26,003
Some time ago I agreed to make
a film based on the Dracula myth.
8
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A commercial, popular film.
9
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,551
But I can't do it!
I have zero ideas!
10
00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:35,721
While I was struggling with this project,
11
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:40,100
fortunately, AI has developed a lot!
12
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:44,396
What you've just seen was
made with the Vlaicu2000 AI.
13
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,983
What?
14
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:56,408
The funds, the producers and distributors,
they did a test screening,
15
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,954
and apparently the audience
was not at all happy.
16
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,081
82 percent.
17
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:07,878
So it looks like
I'll have to make this Dracula film.
18
00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:12,174
Great! This will be super-commercial.
19
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:15,678
Nudity, sex, feelings,
20
00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:19,515
violence, car chases, lots of blood,
21
00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:21,934
jokes, gags, slapstick,
22
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:25,688
"piss yourself laughing,"
in specialised lingo.
23
00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,898
Well then, God bless!
24
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:51,338
A demon on the wing,
O, hast thou seen the fiend?
25
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:56,927
Like lightning 'cross the sky
To Floarea's house he flew!
26
00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,055
Then down the chimney, sooth!
27
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:05,561
Fast as an evil wind!
O Lord, and how he keened!
28
00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:08,689
Say, hast thou seen him too?
29
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:14,528
A dragon of white light
with flaming, fearsome tail,
30
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:19,867
And gems beyond compare
did shine on him like fire.
31
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:25,581
The poor girl is a shadow,
her skin a sickly hue,
32
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:31,170
The beast's ungodly torture
is tearing her apart.
33
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:36,550
Heed the old wives' advice,
its words tested and true:
34
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:42,473
Young maidens, stay away
from the fires of the heart!
35
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,643
Of the heart.
36
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,979
Thank you!
Feel free to applaud!
37
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:52,107
That faggot can sing!
38
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,989
Thank you!
39
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:05,329
Good evening!
I am Adonis, welcome to our show!
40
00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:07,414
Which begins with...
41
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:11,669
the mystery of physicist Ludwig Boltzmann!
42
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:13,796
A dead body, he says,
43
00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:17,132
can come back to live a second life,
44
00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:20,719
a reverse picture of their first.
45
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:24,932
But the likelihood of such
a phenomenon, my dear lady,
46
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:27,101
is fantastically low.
47
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:30,270
Advocates of statistical mechanics claim
48
00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:33,524
we have not yet experienced such a wonder
49
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:37,987
because we have not yet observed
a sufficient number of...
50
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,155
dead bodies, Madam!
51
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:43,158
It's like the law of large numbers.
52
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,411
The more people die,
53
00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,997
billions to the power of billions,
54
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:51,291
the higher the chance of some reviving!
55
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,335
Or becoming...
56
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,212
Living dead.
57
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:03,095
The undead!
That is the subject of tonight's story
58
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,890
in our restaurant,
which is highly select and secret.
59
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,310
Let us welcome Vampira with applause!
60
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:21,656
As Mina, played by our peerless Vampira,
61
00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:24,491
awaits her beloved Jonathan Harker,
62
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:27,578
played by your humble servant,
63
00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:31,373
he is busy in Transylvania,
right here, in Sighișoara.
64
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:42,259
Rats, rats, rats!
65
00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:46,305
Thousands, millions of them,
and every one a life.
66
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:50,768
And dogs to eat them, and cats too.
67
00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,270
All red blood,
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00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,690
with years of life in it.
69
00:05:55,773 --> 00:05:58,859
All these lives will I give you, my love,
70
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:03,947
and many more and greater,
through countless ages,
71
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:07,826
if you will fall down and worship me!
72
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,329
I worship you, Master!
73
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,372
Very well.
74
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:16,376
But first, a little refreshment.
75
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:27,555
We remind you that photographing
or recording through any means
76
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,932
are strictly prohibited.
77
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:35,312
Touching the performers outside
the specially designated scenes,
78
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,898
some requiring prior payment,
79
00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,067
is also strictly prohibited.
80
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:47,366
Bitch got killer tits!
81
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,790
Bravo! Applause!
82
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:59,086
That was so good, my love!
83
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,756
You got some on me,
motherfucker!
84
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,632
You better not have AIDS!
85
00:07:03,799 --> 00:07:06,468
My love, Mina.
How faint you are!
86
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:11,766
Was I once again attacked
by that infernal monster?
87
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,392
Worry not!
88
00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:17,187
I have summoned Dr. Van Helsing
from the University Hospital.
89
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,523
Together we shall defeat Dracula.
90
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:24,403
Beloved Mina, you are
safe here until the sunset;
91
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,531
and before then we shall return -
92
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,283
Them tits!
93
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,577
Yes, we shall return!
94
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:37,166
But first I will arm you
against personal attack.
95
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:42,462
On your forehead I touch
this piece of Sacred Wafer
96
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,176
in the name of the Father,
97
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,511
the Son,
98
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,139
and the Holy Spirit,
99
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:55,809
Amen.
100
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:59,646
Kyrie eleison...
101
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,578
Quiet!
102
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:18,749
- Next, part two of our -
- Shitty show.
103
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,417
Thank you, Madam, bye.
104
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,878
Those wanting to join
Dracula in the Pink Salon -
105
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,379
Fuck off!
106
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,381
To live out their fantasies,
107
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,801
or, for 30 minutes,
join Vampira in the Purple Salon,
108
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:33,222
can start placing their bids now!
109
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:38,101
One hour with Dracula!
Starting at 1000 euros!
110
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:39,812
Do I see more?
111
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:42,856
Look at those long canines!
Show them!
112
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,360
-1200 euro.
-For a blowjob?
113
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,320
Oh, excellent choice!
114
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,989
Ladies, don't be shy.
115
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,368
He has huge skill with his teeth,
the pleasure will be all yours!
116
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:56,578
Something to tell your grandchildren.
117
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,038
1500 euros!
118
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,041
1500 going once, going twice -
119
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,335
Gone! Bravo!
120
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,798
Go to the Pink Room!
121
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,633
Enjoy the love machine!
122
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:14,596
[In the Pink Salon, pleasures
worthy of Heliogabalus' harem]
123
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,571
Now suck Popeye
the Sailor Man's dick, Dracula!
124
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:32,656
What?
125
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:33,865
Here.
126
00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:36,326
Suck him.
127
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,747
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man,
128
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,003
I yam what I yam
and that's all that I yam,
129
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,505
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
130
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,257
Spinach for me!
131
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:56,680
Now touch my clitoris
with your sharp teeth.
132
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:59,182
Lick my pussy, Dracula!
133
00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:15,866
Now fuck me, Dracula!
134
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:17,743
Fuck me!
135
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:21,747
Fuck me 'til the blood
comes out of my pussy!
136
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,792
What's up?
137
00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:28,754
Cannot do.
138
00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:31,214
Cock down. Finished.
139
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,759
Fucking moron!
140
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:37,929
-Sorry.
-"Sorry"!
141
00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:43,477
He couldn't perform.
He's a fucking impotent!
142
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,521
Sorry.
Again, Uncle Sandu?
143
00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:47,523
It's my age, son.
144
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,399
Sorry, it was for the first time.
145
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,194
I want my money back.
146
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,071
I did lick her pussy.
147
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:58,742
-But he performed with the mouth!
-I want my 1500 back!
148
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,746
Don't worry, we'll reimburse you.
Give her the money back.
149
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:12,506
And here is the most
popular part of our show!
150
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:18,220
Dracula and Mina, now his
partner in crime and hanky-panky,
151
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:22,474
flee, trying to escape
their just punishment.
152
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:26,103
The perimeter is marked
on the map sent to your phones.
153
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,979
I repeat the rules:
154
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,607
they will only hide in public places.
155
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,360
No private homes or vegetable patches.
156
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:37,030
So don't barge into
hotel rooms on hot couples.
157
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:41,410
At most, you'll find
that pervy Professor Bulai.
158
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:46,998
No assaulting the performers,
the stakes are just for a little...
159
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,792
oomph, Madam!
160
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,377
The kid's so sweet.
161
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,378
Ready,
162
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,171
steady,
163
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,006
go!
164
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,968
Stop!
They get a minute's advance.
165
00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,678
One, two...
166
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:05,016
59, 58, 57...
167
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,861
Let's go left!
168
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:22,159
3, 2, 1, go!
169
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,863
Dracula sucks cock!
170
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,877
Dracula sucks cock!
171
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,801
Come on!
172
00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:23,970
Hurry up!
173
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:36,191
Hope they catch us quick
so we can wrap up the fucking show.
174
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,154
You know it never takes long.
175
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,759
There you were, you rats!
176
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:05,762
Congratulations, you caught us!
177
00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,195
Motherfucker!
178
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,448
Some spectators might be disappointed.
179
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:28,994
The film title is Dracula,
but it's not about Dracula.
180
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,788
Just a washed-up actor playing Dracula.
181
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:35,500
I apologise!
Or, to quote a serious film character:
182
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,502
"I accept your condemnation!"
183
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:41,798
Fortunately, I've found a much better AI.
184
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,634
Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0.
185
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,429
By an American-Japanese company.
186
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:51,349
So, dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
187
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:54,853
you find a way for
Vlad the Impaler and Dracula
188
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:58,398
to become one and the same
and appear in modern-day Romania.
189
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:01,026
I want it to be the bomb!
190
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:05,280
But with some deeper,
philosophical stuff too.
191
00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,574
Of course. How do we begin?
192
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,659
Let's do something...
193
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,494
Science-y.
194
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:15,123
Something cool and trendy.
195
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,708
Right away.
196
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:21,630
1. Eutrophia
197
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:28,428
Claudia Cardinale visited this clinic,
as did Pablo Neruda.
198
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:33,892
Ana Aslan treated
Salvador Dalí's famous wife, Gala.
199
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,935
Nixon, too.
200
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,647
Charlie Chaplin was here too.
201
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,775
Even Lillian Gish,
who starred in Griffith's films.
202
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:46,029
Many did not want it known
they were under eutrophic treatment
203
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:47,781
for rejuvenation.
204
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,201
Professor Ana Aslan was very discreet.
205
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:56,289
She met General Franco in Spain,
but didn't even know where he lived,
206
00:15:56,456 --> 00:16:01,836
because she was driven to
his residence in a tinted-window car.
207
00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:07,217
Aristotle Onassis sent a private jet
for her to treat him on Skorpios Island.
208
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:12,597
She was impressed by
Onassis' immense charm.
209
00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:15,684
Good day, Mrs. Lucy!
Ready for the next round?
210
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:18,311
I feel younger already!
211
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:22,899
I was watching this about Ana Aslan.
She was quite something!
212
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:26,027
So many stars came here for her treatment.
213
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,155
Even Nixon and Chaplin!
214
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:32,242
Yeah, she invented this treatment for
staying young as long as possible
215
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,035
as a humanistic thing.
216
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:37,617
Actually, you know, it's dangerous,
you don't know who wants to use it.
217
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:42,419
This is why it's still a secret,
we all sign confidential papers and...
218
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,549
My opinion is that
Ceaușescu wanted to live forever
219
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:51,344
and he created all the conditions
for Mrs. Aslan to work for him.
220
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:56,057
If he hadn't been executed,
he'd be alive even today.
221
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,478
You must drink it slowly.
222
00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:06,609
Wanna go in the music room
and listen to something?
223
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,903
Wagner, like yesterday?
224
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,823
I noticed there is a kind of theatre hall.
225
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,200
Any plays performed there?
226
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,827
Not anymore.
227
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,081
Actually, when
Mr. Steven Spielberg was in our clinic,
228
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,262
he asked to have
Ceaușescu's screening room.
229
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,959
Spielberg was here?
230
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:27,005
Yes, and he wanted
to see films all the time.
231
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,798
John Ford's films.
232
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:31,760
But sometimes even
bad Romanian films.
233
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,846
Old films on these big rolls, you know.
234
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:38,308
He laughed a lot,
he considered them so stupid.
235
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:43,188
We offered him a huge TV set,
but still he preferred old technology.
236
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,400
I would like to see
a film there, if it's possible.
237
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,360
Casablanca?
238
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,280
That will be an extra fee of 1000 euros.
239
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:07,962
The porter was here when
Dalí and Chaplin were here.
240
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,341
How was Chaplin?
241
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:14,260
The lady wants to know about Chaplin.
242
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:18,056
Damn bastard!
So boring and always angry.
243
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:19,849
No fun at all.
244
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:23,853
He was all shriveled up
and swore like a Cossack.
245
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:30,068
And he always argued with
that old broad, Lillian Gish.
246
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,446
Over dough, I guess.
247
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:34,531
We're talking big bucks.
248
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,449
Hear this,
249
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:41,246
one day I saw him
cram her into that corner,
250
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:45,291
and she sucked his... you know.
251
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,550
Damn broad.
252
00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:57,178
-Your Highness, command me.
-Catch every scoundrel in this country.
253
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,430
Hardly possible, Your Highness.
254
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,976
Many take refuge
on the boyars' domains.
255
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,315
We have no power there yet.
256
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,279
The boyars again.
257
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:17,407
You should have slain them,
Your Highness.
258
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,206
Iunus Beg's army has been
hanging here for a year.
259
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,917
Let us give the dead their due.
260
00:19:50,565 --> 00:19:53,484
Do you think to serve only yourselves?
261
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,412
Boyars, this country is not yours.
262
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,414
You belong to the country.
263
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:08,541
I, too, belong to the country.
264
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:12,170
It's "Ladislaus of Hungary",
not "the Hungary of Ladislaus".
265
00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:15,882
"Casimir of Poland",
not "the Poland of Casimir"!
266
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,967
Were it not so,
267
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:21,220
countries would die with their rulers.
268
00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:28,144
Boy!
269
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,105
Boy!
270
00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:40,156
"I inform Your Highness
of the Turks' plots."
271
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:46,204
Locked in this foul film
for so long, with no way out!
272
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,372
What?
273
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:49,499
You have freed me.
274
00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:51,960
Sorry, I don't speak this language.
275
00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:56,047
I want your blood.
276
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,938
Where is the money, bitch?
277
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:13,272
Money!
278
00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:15,316
Give me the fucking money!
279
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:18,736
In my room, you crow,
but I have nothing!
280
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,033
Giddy up, Grandma!
281
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,917
Leave me alone!
282
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,926
Now suck my cock, Grandma!
283
00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,721
Get impaled on it!
284
00:21:49,851 --> 00:21:52,854
Grandma, you give head like a pro!
285
00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,745
Oh, Grandma.
286
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,415
Fuck, you got some crazy tongue, Grandma!
287
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:15,168
Brilliant! Way to go!
288
00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:18,129
Japanese technology, American pragmatism.
289
00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:21,132
Plus the Romanian cultural heritage!
290
00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,718
I was made to serve
the public's interests.
291
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:27,013
-You're a huge help!
-I am here to serve.
292
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,973
Just to make it clear:
293
00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:30,516
Personally,
294
00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:36,022
I don't agree with this idiot's
vulgarity and controversy.
295
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,607
I won't accept it!
296
00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:39,233
Right!
297
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:42,070
Now to return to my story.
298
00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,530
Back to the restaurant!
299
00:22:44,906 --> 00:22:49,786
[A Movable Feast]
300
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,663
Now for the medal ceremony!
301
00:22:53,498 --> 00:22:56,417
Come get your prizes, everyone!
302
00:23:00,922 --> 00:23:02,799
Congratulations!
303
00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:04,884
Go do the dishes.
304
00:23:07,678 --> 00:23:09,388
Smile!
305
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,155
Embarrass me again and you're fired.
306
00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:28,908
It's not my fault, Mrs. Georgeta.
307
00:23:29,242 --> 00:23:31,661
He can't help it, Madam,
it's all biological.
308
00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:32,995
You shut up!
309
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:39,127
I took you in from the streets,
you had escaped from the loony bin!
310
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:42,839
I paid for your fucking treatment,
gave you food and shelter.
311
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:45,174
I'll try, Madam, I promise.
312
00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:48,553
Do, or I replace you.
313
00:23:48,678 --> 00:23:50,263
Fucking scum.
314
00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:53,474
I got us two shows next month.
315
00:23:53,683 --> 00:23:57,687
One at Béla Lugosi Cinema in Lugoj,
for the Porsche CEO,
316
00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:02,400
one in Bran, attended by
Elon Musk and Hollywood actors.
317
00:24:02,984 --> 00:24:04,735
We can't afford to fail.
318
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:08,239
-Trump might be there too.
-Donald Trump?
319
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:11,284
If he does,
I'll shoot him in the head.
320
00:24:16,914 --> 00:24:17,999
Come in.
321
00:24:21,502 --> 00:24:23,754
Oh, come on now.
322
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:30,428
Say, let's run away
and make our own show.
323
00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:33,306
Run to where?
324
00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:36,767
We could join the circus.
325
00:24:37,185 --> 00:24:39,437
Or some whorehouse in Germany.
326
00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:44,942
Didn't you say
they abused you at the circus?
327
00:24:45,568 --> 00:24:47,320
Like it's any better here?
328
00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:52,074
Conditions are shitty,
the pay is low.
329
00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:58,873
While Uncle Sandu sniffles,
dear AI,
330
00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:02,752
come up with something
more artsy, for our serious spectators.
331
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:04,337
Yes, my Führer.
332
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:08,716
I propose an intervention on
Murnau's Nosferatu from 1922.
333
00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:11,844
I wouldn't dare touch
a classic of film history.
334
00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:13,763
I'm a Murnau fan!
335
00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:16,933
I would, no one can throw eggs at me.
336
00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:25,149
Got tired of wanking?
337
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:26,609
We have the solution!
338
00:25:26,817 --> 00:25:30,488
Visit rosex. ro,
click on "Fuck Me!"
339
00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:33,324
And you'll be in heaven!
340
00:25:35,451 --> 00:25:39,455
You bring the hard cock,
we'll do the rest!
341
00:25:45,253 --> 00:25:46,420
Got anemia?
342
00:25:46,671 --> 00:25:49,882
The Murnau Online Drugstore
has an offer on Forte Iron.
343
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,427
Total content: 90 satchels.
344
00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:56,764
Guaranteed efficacy,
fresh apple flavour, extra vitamin C!
345
00:25:56,973 --> 00:25:59,892
Blood, Strength, Energy!
346
00:26:03,145 --> 00:26:05,856
Do you want to follow
Count Dracula's traces
347
00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:07,317
in Transylvania?
348
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,860
This summer, Mareshal Antonescu Tourism
349
00:26:09,986 --> 00:26:12,697
takes you on a great
tour like no other.
350
00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:14,532
Count Dracula Tour!
351
00:26:14,782 --> 00:26:16,450
Information online.
352
00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:19,996
My dear,
353
00:26:20,871 --> 00:26:26,335
ever wondered why even
this wretch gets more love than you,
354
00:26:26,711 --> 00:26:28,462
though you look a lot better?
355
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,506
Wonder no more!
356
00:26:30,673 --> 00:26:35,094
He had penis enlargement surgery
at Switzerland Cliniques Bucharest.
357
00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:36,971
Act now!
358
00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:39,849
Does size matter? Of course!
359
00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,476
I love Murnau's films.
360
00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:44,395
I could never do that.
361
00:26:44,812 --> 00:26:47,940
I doubt our spectators
would enjoy this garbage.
362
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:49,608
I, for one, don't!
363
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:53,321
Now I want you to hijack
that Romanian-language scene
364
00:26:53,446 --> 00:26:56,115
from the Dracula
of Francis Ford Coppola.
365
00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:57,867
-I can't.
-Why not?
366
00:26:58,159 --> 00:27:00,661
- We don't own the rights -
- Fuck them!
367
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,788
I'm going for fair use.
368
00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:07,293
Duchamp is our lawyer, Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0.
Quotations are allowed!
369
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,254
I can only reenact the scene.
370
00:27:11,255 --> 00:27:12,381
OK.
371
00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:15,301
At least make it more erotic.
372
00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,178
More commercial.
373
00:27:17,386 --> 00:27:19,389
-Sex sells!
-Yes, Master.
374
00:27:19,472 --> 00:27:22,391
We'll put in some tit,
some ass, some cunt, no problem.
375
00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,355
You are the love of my life.
376
00:27:27,897 --> 00:27:29,190
Of my life.
377
00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:32,651
I have crossed oceans of time to meet you.
378
00:27:37,198 --> 00:27:39,742
You are the love of my life.
379
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:44,747
I have crossed oceans of time to meet you.
380
00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:35,005
[Back to the restaurant]
381
00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,325
And now,
382
00:29:03,492 --> 00:29:08,497
let Dracula show you what lovemaking is.
383
00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:24,054
You lick my ass so good, Master.
384
00:29:26,182 --> 00:29:27,349
Mate!
385
00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:31,937
Try with your cock, not your tongue!
You could choke!
386
00:29:32,855 --> 00:29:33,898
Hey, mate!
387
00:29:34,899 --> 00:29:36,358
So fucking ugly!
388
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,406
My beloved Mina!
389
00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:49,914
Unclean!
390
00:29:50,873 --> 00:29:52,416
Unclean!
391
00:29:54,001 --> 00:29:55,211
Jonathan!
392
00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:59,465
Even the Almighty shuns my polluted flesh!
393
00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:02,426
Just don't fuck his ass, girl!
394
00:30:03,469 --> 00:30:08,307
My butt must bear this mark
of shame until the Judgment Day!
395
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:11,519
You may have to bear that mark
396
00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:14,980
till God himself sees fit,
397
00:30:15,439 --> 00:30:17,942
as He most surely shall,
on the Judgment Day,
398
00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:20,819
to redress all wrongs of the earth
399
00:30:21,028 --> 00:30:23,364
and of His children.
400
00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:27,535
Oh, Mina, my dear,
may we who love you
401
00:30:27,868 --> 00:30:31,580
be there to see that red scar pass away
402
00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:36,418
leaving your butt as pure
as the heart we know.
403
00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:39,338
For so surely as we live,
that scar shall pass away
404
00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:43,842
when God sees right
to lift our burden!
405
00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:47,763
Till then we bear our Cross,
406
00:30:48,430 --> 00:30:50,724
as His Son did.
407
00:30:56,063 --> 00:30:58,983
[But no one knew Uncle Sandu and Vampira]
408
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:02,820
[had different plans
for that balmy summer night!]
409
00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:04,321
Ready...
410
00:31:05,447 --> 00:31:06,991
steady...
411
00:31:08,075 --> 00:31:09,076
Go!
412
00:31:09,410 --> 00:31:12,204
Wait, we have to give them one minute!
413
00:31:12,955 --> 00:31:15,541
59, 58...
414
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:23,632
fifty-three, fifty-two, fuckeroo...
415
00:31:31,140 --> 00:31:32,433
Let's go that way!
416
00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:01,587
I can't keep going!
417
00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:03,297
I'm an old man.
418
00:32:05,716 --> 00:32:10,095
Age is just a number,
but it's a damn big one, huh?
419
00:32:10,304 --> 00:32:11,847
Let's go, Uncle Sandu!
420
00:32:12,014 --> 00:32:14,600
An actor back in my day, Bădia,
421
00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:17,728
when people asked about life in the '50s,
422
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:21,190
at the height of Stalinism,
with people sent to the Gulag,
423
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,611
he'd say "The '50s? They were great!
424
00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:29,073
I used to get a hard-on this big!"
425
00:32:51,220 --> 00:32:53,847
I say we spend the night in the tower,
426
00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:56,517
then take a train to Budapest.
427
00:32:57,309 --> 00:32:59,770
Then we hitchhike to Germany.
428
00:33:01,855 --> 00:33:04,650
-How much money do you have?
-About 400 euros.
429
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:07,861
Can't hurt. I have about as much.
430
00:33:09,071 --> 00:33:10,447
We'll manage.
431
00:33:12,324 --> 00:33:14,201
What's with all the photos?
432
00:33:16,036 --> 00:33:17,538
OnlyFans.
433
00:33:18,122 --> 00:33:20,374
I upload them to this platform
434
00:33:20,499 --> 00:33:23,085
and some wankers pay to see them.
435
00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:27,423
That's how I get my money,
not from our stingy boss.
436
00:33:30,884 --> 00:33:34,805
Would you give me another fellatio?
If you don't mind?
437
00:33:36,682 --> 00:33:39,143
First let's get away from here.
438
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,487
Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
439
00:33:50,696 --> 00:33:53,323
while the two hide in the clock tower,
440
00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:58,704
make a scene with the real Dracula
returning to see his family home.
441
00:33:59,163 --> 00:34:02,041
But make it tasteful and touching.
442
00:34:02,124 --> 00:34:06,462
4. The Homecoming
443
00:34:16,221 --> 00:34:20,893
[Vlad Dracul House Restaurant]
444
00:34:21,769 --> 00:34:23,896
Why are you crying, Sir?
445
00:34:26,315 --> 00:34:29,067
-I was thinking of my mother.
-Who is she?
446
00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:30,944
Anastasia.
447
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,906
-Is your mum in the parking lot?
-No.
448
00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,742
She died. Long ago.
449
00:34:37,868 --> 00:34:39,661
Do you miss her?
450
00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:42,831
Sometimes, yes.
What's with that mask?
451
00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:46,126
I'm Dracula, king of vampires!
452
00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:52,049
-You know who Dracula really was?
-Our ruler Vlad the Impaler.
453
00:34:52,216 --> 00:34:55,135
-We learned that in school.
-Bravo, kid!
454
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,346
Here, buy some chocolate.
455
00:34:57,513 --> 00:35:00,390
-Go off now!
-I'm Vlad Casino!
456
00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:10,484
[Here lived ruler Vlad Dracul]
457
00:35:12,402 --> 00:35:13,571
So, as I said,
458
00:35:13,654 --> 00:35:19,368
there are many stories regarding
the cruelty of Vlad Țepeș, the Impaler,
459
00:35:19,451 --> 00:35:21,286
who was born here, in this house.
460
00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:24,665
His cruelty, also born
out of patriotic spirit,
461
00:35:24,832 --> 00:35:28,335
this is important to stress,
created the Dracula legend.
462
00:35:28,544 --> 00:35:29,878
And the name as well!
463
00:35:30,212 --> 00:35:32,381
The name came from
the Order of the Dragons,
464
00:35:32,548 --> 00:35:35,300
"Dragon", that his father belonged to.
465
00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:38,762
So: Dragon - Dracul - Dracula.
466
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:42,182
Dracul means "the devil" in Romanian.
467
00:35:42,432 --> 00:35:45,727
He invited all the beggars
and the cripples, the handicapped,
468
00:35:45,978 --> 00:35:48,730
and the old people,
the unnecessary people,
469
00:35:49,022 --> 00:35:54,319
he invited them all at a party close to
Curtea Veche, his Bucharest palace.
470
00:35:54,862 --> 00:35:56,488
And he asked them all:
471
00:35:56,822 --> 00:35:59,616
"Do you want to live a good life,
472
00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:03,370
eat and drink without doing any work?"
473
00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:05,664
And they said "Yes!"
474
00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:09,459
So he closed the gates,
put the fire at the place,
475
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:13,422
and burned it down,
and he killed them all in this way.
476
00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:18,302
He explained at the people outside,
listening to the terrible screams,
477
00:36:18,594 --> 00:36:19,637
quote:
478
00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:23,307
"First of all, I did it so they won't
be a burden for the others.
479
00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:27,519
I also want that, in my country,
there are no poor people.
480
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,646
Everybody should be rich.
481
00:36:29,938 --> 00:36:32,482
I also freed them
from their suffering in this way."
482
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:34,359
Nice, is this true?
483
00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:37,738
As much as we can be sure
by reading the documents, yes.
484
00:36:37,905 --> 00:36:40,240
It is completely true!
485
00:36:41,617 --> 00:36:43,368
I am Vlad the Impaler.
486
00:36:44,870 --> 00:36:46,038
[Hungarian:] I am Dracula.
487
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:48,999
Looks like Stephen the Great.
Just as short.
488
00:36:49,374 --> 00:36:51,627
The impaling was like this.
489
00:36:52,294 --> 00:36:54,379
He was punishing his enemies
490
00:36:54,504 --> 00:36:58,300
by putting a long wooden log
into their anus and through the neck.
491
00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:02,262
Then the victim was placed
vertically until he or she died.
492
00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:05,182
In this way he killed,
for instance, the boyars,
493
00:37:05,933 --> 00:37:08,936
who were against him
and didn't respect his policies.
494
00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:11,813
The Greek historian Chalcocondylas
495
00:37:11,939 --> 00:37:14,775
speaks about 20 000 boyars killed.
496
00:37:14,983 --> 00:37:16,068
It is ridiculous!
497
00:37:16,151 --> 00:37:18,278
Of course it is an exaggeration.
498
00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:21,031
But this proves that,
anyway, there were many.
499
00:37:21,323 --> 00:37:25,327
Close to Târgoviște,
he killed so many Ottomans
500
00:37:25,494 --> 00:37:26,954
by impaling them,
501
00:37:27,079 --> 00:37:32,125
so that he created
a real wood of impaled people.
502
00:37:32,709 --> 00:37:37,047
He also killed women who
were not faithful to their husbands.
503
00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:41,385
Or widows who didn't respect
the law and found other lovers.
504
00:37:42,094 --> 00:37:46,181
In this case, the punishment was
to push a red heated iron bar
505
00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:49,393
through the woman's vagina,
and she was kept like that,
506
00:37:49,518 --> 00:37:51,937
naked, in the town square, until she died.
507
00:37:52,062 --> 00:37:53,563
It was for their best!
508
00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:56,149
This is his well-known portrait.
509
00:37:56,650 --> 00:37:59,027
You can see the cruelty in his eyes.
510
00:37:59,152 --> 00:38:01,613
I don't find him charming at all.
511
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:05,867
It is said, while he was
imprisoned in Transylvania,
512
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,121
he was impaling
the rats with small wooden sticks.
513
00:38:09,246 --> 00:38:12,124
Total fucking bullshit!
I never did such a thing!
514
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:13,959
Get out, hobo!
515
00:38:14,084 --> 00:38:18,338
This is my home!
I'm no hobo, I'm Vlad the Impaler!
516
00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:27,681
I was a Champion of Christ, you -
517
00:38:27,889 --> 00:38:29,892
Shut the fuck up!
518
00:38:29,975 --> 00:38:32,227
-Out!
-You shits!
519
00:38:32,978 --> 00:38:36,606
Come around again
and I'll break your fucking legs!
520
00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:40,986
Yes, indeed!
521
00:38:44,406 --> 00:38:48,368
This Roman guy,
Seianus, or Sejanus,
522
00:38:49,036 --> 00:38:52,456
was gathering political clout,
until, in the year 31,
523
00:38:52,831 --> 00:38:56,918
he is accused before the Senate
of plotting against the Emperor.
524
00:38:57,252 --> 00:39:00,964
He's thrown down some steps,
left to rot, sent floating down the Tibrus
525
00:39:01,089 --> 00:39:03,091
with no right to a funeral.
526
00:39:03,884 --> 00:39:07,554
His family and friends were
killed too, as was the habit.
527
00:39:07,888 --> 00:39:10,599
His daughter was
sentenced to death too.
528
00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:17,272
But since she was a virgin and
there had been no virgin executions ever,
529
00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:21,318
the executioner first had to
rape her on the execution block.
530
00:39:22,027 --> 00:39:24,571
Oh well, if it was the law.
531
00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:29,493
How did the boss lady bring you in?
You never said.
532
00:39:30,452 --> 00:39:32,954
I had some mental issues.
533
00:39:33,205 --> 00:39:35,916
Thought I was a vampire,
Dracula, Vlad the Impaler.
534
00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:39,377
-Seriously?
-It's a mental condition.
535
00:39:39,753 --> 00:39:41,797
I was even in an asylum.
536
00:39:42,005 --> 00:39:44,800
I escaped, lived on the streets a while.
537
00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:46,676
Boss lady picked me up.
538
00:39:46,843 --> 00:39:50,180
Hired me to do cleaning,
then I started with the shows.
539
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,225
I turned out to be great at this.
540
00:39:53,558 --> 00:39:54,684
I liked it, too.
541
00:39:54,893 --> 00:39:57,687
But the harassment
and hard work got too much.
542
00:39:57,854 --> 00:39:59,606
This is exploitation.
543
00:39:59,689 --> 00:40:04,569
[Meanwhile, the pursuers
have returned to the restaurant...]
544
00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:07,823
The participation fee is 1000 euros, but!
545
00:40:07,989 --> 00:40:09,783
The fun is worth it.
546
00:40:09,908 --> 00:40:13,995
Since the two have escaped
for real, like cowards,
547
00:40:14,162 --> 00:40:16,623
now you must look everywhere.
548
00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:20,210
And at the end,
you get to kill the vampire!
549
00:40:20,377 --> 00:40:23,797
Because this has been
our secret for years!
550
00:40:23,964 --> 00:40:26,341
Uncle Sandu isn't just an actor,
551
00:40:26,550 --> 00:40:28,510
he is a real vampire!
552
00:40:29,302 --> 00:40:31,847
We inform you that
the police has greenlit this.
553
00:40:32,013 --> 00:40:34,641
Besides, the guy is dirt poor
and has no family.
554
00:40:34,808 --> 00:40:38,103
If interested, send the money
to our Revolut account now.
555
00:40:38,270 --> 00:40:43,733
The others may leave, and remember
you've signed a no-disclosure agreement.
556
00:40:43,900 --> 00:40:47,613
This is very interesting but,
as Sergio Leone might say,
557
00:40:47,696 --> 00:40:49,698
what about for a few dollars less?
558
00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:55,328
Unfortunately not,
but I am sure your investment is worth it.
559
00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:59,541
A real vampire hunt is
not something you find every day!
560
00:40:59,791 --> 00:41:03,879
Just until we catch them,
then we go back to the hotel.
561
00:41:04,045 --> 00:41:06,006
Isn't that great, children?
562
00:41:06,131 --> 00:41:09,968
But you said I can
stake him through the heart!
563
00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:11,761
We'll see about that.
564
00:41:11,928 --> 00:41:13,972
Wonderful, children!
Revolut, alright?
565
00:41:14,097 --> 00:41:17,893
What pleasure on earth
can compare with the hunter's?
566
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:21,855
Whose cup of life sparkles so richly?
567
00:41:21,938 --> 00:41:25,317
To lie in the verdure
while the horns sound,
568
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:29,362
To follow the stag
through thicket and pond,
569
00:41:29,529 --> 00:41:33,366
Is joy for a prince,
is a real man's desire,
570
00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:37,204
It strengthens your limbs
and spices your food.
571
00:41:37,454 --> 00:41:41,124
When woods and rocks resound all about us,
572
00:41:41,249 --> 00:41:45,086
A full goblet sings
a freer and happier song!
573
00:42:01,228 --> 00:42:04,940
Diana is present to brighten the night,
574
00:42:05,065 --> 00:42:08,777
Her darkness cools us like
any refreshment in the day.
575
00:42:08,944 --> 00:42:11,613
To fell the bloody wolf,
576
00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:16,618
and the boar who
greedily roots through the green crops,
577
00:42:17,244 --> 00:42:20,622
Is joy for a prince, is real man's desire,
578
00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:24,417
It strengthens your limbs
and spices your food.
579
00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:28,546
When woods and rocks resound all about us,
580
00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:32,718
A full goblet sings
a freer and happier song!
581
00:42:32,801 --> 00:42:34,167
Where's the fucking vampire?
582
00:42:34,803 --> 00:42:38,431
I'll drop the silent film title cards.
They're boring.
583
00:42:38,848 --> 00:42:43,019
I've promised the audience
a beautiful love story.
584
00:42:43,186 --> 00:42:47,607
Maybe some love vibes
between Uncle Sandu and Vampira.
585
00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:49,484
What do you think, Sir Doctor?
586
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:51,820
It's got a British upgrade.
587
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,198
That senile loser
with that hot chick, no.
588
00:42:55,365 --> 00:42:58,451
We need excitement,
we need young, dynamic people.
589
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:02,539
Then will you come up with
a beautiful, touching love story?
590
00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:05,667
Undoubtedly,
because love is a great thing.
591
00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,004
Maybe an adaptation
of a world classic?
592
00:43:09,254 --> 00:43:11,715
Romeo and Juliet, Madame Pogany.
593
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,550
No. Too famous.
594
00:43:13,675 --> 00:43:16,970
I propose something
homegrown, Romanian,
595
00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:19,222
obscure, but just as profound.
596
00:43:19,431 --> 00:43:22,142
You have wonderful love stories too.
597
00:43:22,350 --> 00:43:25,228
Such as Just So, by Nicolae Velea.
598
00:43:25,395 --> 00:43:27,063
A story from the '60s.
599
00:43:27,188 --> 00:43:30,234
But it's touching, right?
Hope I make myself clear!
600
00:43:30,317 --> 00:43:34,154
5. Just So
601
00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:37,991
Duminică suddenly felt he had been hasty.
602
00:43:38,199 --> 00:43:41,536
He had too little time behind him,
too much ahead,
603
00:43:41,661 --> 00:43:44,247
so he could afford to take it easy.
604
00:43:44,414 --> 00:43:45,915
He'd been living too fast.
605
00:43:46,082 --> 00:43:50,879
He was the best driver in the county,
working for the richest collective farm,
606
00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:53,340
and lately, for the major holidays,
607
00:43:53,423 --> 00:43:57,886
he drove the capital city's
only festival float.
608
00:43:58,053 --> 00:44:02,390
I've unlocked the gate,
With a light I wait,
609
00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:06,311
My mother sleeps soundly,
Dreams of you surround me.
610
00:44:44,474 --> 00:44:45,850
Duminică!
611
00:44:46,810 --> 00:44:48,395
-Come have a beer.
-Nah.
612
00:44:48,478 --> 00:44:50,688
-Why not?
-To make idiots ask.
613
00:44:51,189 --> 00:44:54,859
-He goes to play backgammon.
-We have backgammon here!
614
00:44:55,235 --> 00:44:57,445
Hey, Duminică!
615
00:44:57,987 --> 00:44:59,948
Ever heard this one?
616
00:45:00,573 --> 00:45:03,993
Old man of the working class,
No use watching the cunts pass!
617
00:45:11,543 --> 00:45:14,796
Urgh, old Tăchioaia's coming
to ask for brandy.
618
00:45:15,171 --> 00:45:18,842
-Her son-in-law kicked her out.
-The hell do I care?
619
00:45:19,968 --> 00:45:23,972
-How's about some brandy, boys?
-We don't have any!
620
00:45:24,472 --> 00:45:27,725
I heard your son-in-law
kicked you out of the house!
621
00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:32,230
A backwards Imperialist, that one!
A damn hooliganist.
622
00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:36,985
Fuck his ass
for the working class!
623
00:45:37,569 --> 00:45:39,228
When are you going to get married?
624
00:45:41,656 --> 00:45:45,535
Șoalcă, give me some brandy,
I need to drown my gut worms.
625
00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:47,579
Here, just shut up!
626
00:45:54,961 --> 00:45:57,297
Saw that? He lost again!
627
00:45:57,672 --> 00:45:59,174
Oh no!
628
00:45:59,799 --> 00:46:01,927
Don't give up, my boy!
629
00:46:02,010 --> 00:46:05,472
Roll those devil's bones,
change your luck!
630
00:46:14,939 --> 00:46:16,608
You poor boy.
631
00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:20,445
We play 'til we draw blood!
632
00:46:36,169 --> 00:46:38,630
-Hello, Comrade!
-Hello.
633
00:46:45,428 --> 00:46:46,596
Who was that?
634
00:46:47,180 --> 00:46:49,182
An agricultural technician from Cuca.
635
00:46:49,349 --> 00:46:51,017
Adina Gheorghe.
636
00:47:01,986 --> 00:47:04,280
-Hop in.
-I'm going to Cuca, though.
637
00:47:04,405 --> 00:47:06,199
I'll drive you there!
638
00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:09,327
There.
639
00:47:25,552 --> 00:47:28,930
Last night I drove
this beast across the field,
640
00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:31,683
to catch hares in the headlights.
641
00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:33,268
And did you?
642
00:47:33,977 --> 00:47:35,353
By the dozens!
643
00:47:35,937 --> 00:47:38,523
The collective heads got angry, though.
644
00:47:39,399 --> 00:47:41,818
They calmed down
after I gave them a few hares.
645
00:47:45,488 --> 00:47:47,031
Want a hare?
646
00:47:47,991 --> 00:47:49,617
No, I feel sorry for them.
647
00:47:51,286 --> 00:47:53,204
Don't you feel sorry for pigs?
648
00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:56,332
I do, but pigs are ugly.
649
00:48:01,671 --> 00:48:03,381
I don't feel sorry.
650
00:48:10,263 --> 00:48:12,098
It's a military vehicle, this.
651
00:48:49,344 --> 00:48:50,845
-Cheers!
-Hello.
652
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,388
-What are you doing?
-Sorry?
653
00:48:52,555 --> 00:48:55,058
-After work, I mean.
-None of your business.
654
00:48:55,224 --> 00:48:57,185
-Maybe it is.
-I'm going home.
655
00:48:57,268 --> 00:48:59,563
-I'll drive you.
-I have the bike.
656
00:48:59,646 --> 00:49:03,566
I can drive you
and the damn bike too!
657
00:49:05,193 --> 00:49:06,110
Hop in.
658
00:49:23,711 --> 00:49:26,589
I saw you a while ago, up on the hill.
659
00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:30,134
Well, half of you - it was foggy.
660
00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:31,636
So?
661
00:49:32,512 --> 00:49:34,806
I don't want to know
only half of you.
662
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:38,476
Why not?
663
00:49:38,559 --> 00:49:40,520
You'll only get more beautiful.
664
00:49:41,270 --> 00:49:45,233
-How do you know?
-Trust me, you do!
665
00:49:46,150 --> 00:49:47,110
Don't think so.
666
00:49:47,735 --> 00:49:49,862
A cousin of mine got married.
667
00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:53,616
The day after the wedding,
she didn't look any better nor worse.
668
00:49:53,825 --> 00:49:55,076
You think?
669
00:50:27,233 --> 00:50:29,485
I came to give you a lift again.
670
00:50:30,653 --> 00:50:32,447
This time I'm taking the bike.
671
00:50:35,992 --> 00:50:37,952
Fine, then I'm coming along.
672
00:50:40,621 --> 00:50:41,956
Auschwitz!
673
00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:47,295
Grandpa used to cycle
40 kilometres to work
674
00:50:47,628 --> 00:50:49,213
and another 40 back.
675
00:50:49,422 --> 00:50:51,674
-Poor soul!
-He worked at the bread factory.
676
00:50:53,217 --> 00:50:55,261
He'd always bring fresh bread.
677
00:50:55,511 --> 00:50:58,723
Me and my sister, we'd snatch it up
and just eat it plain.
678
00:52:11,295 --> 00:52:13,464
Did something happen at your place?
679
00:52:15,216 --> 00:52:16,968
No, why?
680
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:19,595
You haven't come this past week.
681
00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:21,222
Really.
682
00:52:25,643 --> 00:52:26,853
Just tell me!
683
00:53:12,023 --> 00:53:15,484
They began to meet each evening,
as if it was understood.
684
00:53:15,776 --> 00:53:18,821
They never set a place or time,
685
00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:22,116
but always met at
the same place and time.
686
00:53:22,283 --> 00:53:27,163
Duminică was smoking more now,
but each time after he met Adina
687
00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:30,958
he didn't feel the smell
of tobacco in his clothes and mouth.
688
00:53:49,894 --> 00:53:52,480
You know, someone told me...
689
00:53:53,022 --> 00:53:56,484
in the USSR, writers and intellectuals,
690
00:53:56,609 --> 00:53:58,986
when they go to international congresses,
691
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:02,865
need to scrub their hands
with this special device.
692
00:54:03,324 --> 00:54:04,325
Why?
693
00:54:04,408 --> 00:54:05,785
To get calluses.
694
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:09,455
To make it look like they work
in factories or agriculture.
695
00:54:18,297 --> 00:54:19,423
Say...
696
00:54:21,217 --> 00:54:23,010
Do you dream of me at night?
697
00:54:23,386 --> 00:54:24,428
No.
698
00:54:24,971 --> 00:54:25,805
Why not?
699
00:54:26,514 --> 00:54:28,307
Because then I'd be killing you.
700
00:54:29,642 --> 00:54:30,810
How so?
701
00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:32,478
Just so.
702
00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:36,482
I get angry when a man
slips into my dreams.
703
00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:38,484
None of them makes it out of there.
704
00:54:39,110 --> 00:54:43,656
If I wake up mid-dream
and they manage to run off,
705
00:54:43,990 --> 00:54:47,618
I turn over and pick up
the dream were I left it.
706
00:54:47,868 --> 00:54:49,578
So I still kill them.
707
00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:51,580
Well, what do you know!
708
00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:53,290
I'm serious.
709
00:54:53,457 --> 00:54:57,211
Once I dreamed about
that guy in Animal Husbandry
710
00:54:57,545 --> 00:55:00,381
coming over with a demijohn of brandy
711
00:55:00,715 --> 00:55:02,466
and when he tried to jump on me,
712
00:55:02,717 --> 00:55:04,677
I stuck a pitchfork in his face.
713
00:55:06,554 --> 00:55:08,389
So you care about me.
714
00:55:10,433 --> 00:55:14,145
They laughed, embarrassed,
and changed the subject.
715
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:17,898
They began to exchange
very sad letters, while laughing it off.
716
00:55:18,357 --> 00:55:21,527
When one of them let slip
something like a confession,
717
00:55:21,694 --> 00:55:24,447
the other brushed it off with a laugh.
718
00:55:24,905 --> 00:55:31,537
They felt protected by something
that allowed them to play pretend,
719
00:55:31,746 --> 00:55:34,915
to stay for a while
the way they truly were.
720
00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:37,460
It allowed them, or so they thought,
721
00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:42,673
to rebuild and re-live
what should have been.
722
00:55:42,882 --> 00:55:47,011
For a while, they wanted
to keep living just so, provisionally.
723
00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:04,904
-What?
-Want a drive to Săuca?
724
00:56:07,490 --> 00:56:08,658
To do what?
725
00:56:08,741 --> 00:56:13,329
I need to pick up their milk and eggs,
their truck is broken.
726
00:56:17,792 --> 00:56:19,710
Why are you upset?
727
00:56:21,253 --> 00:56:24,924
At the collective farm
they killed a horse I liked.
728
00:56:26,217 --> 00:56:27,551
Why did they?
729
00:56:29,595 --> 00:56:30,930
I don't know.
730
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,140
It was old.
731
00:56:34,517 --> 00:56:37,144
Why kill it just because it was old?
732
00:56:40,439 --> 00:56:43,192
They fed the meat to the chickens.
733
00:56:43,859 --> 00:56:45,903
Do they eat meat?
734
00:56:46,987 --> 00:56:48,656
Apparently they do.
735
00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:53,869
Then a drunk tractor driver
ran over some of the chickens.
736
00:56:58,249 --> 00:56:59,875
It's so horrid.
737
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:04,713
The tractors come,
so they kill off the horses,
738
00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:08,259
then they feed
the horse meat to the chickens,
739
00:57:09,510 --> 00:57:12,096
then a tractor comes
and kills the chickens too.
740
00:57:19,270 --> 00:57:20,312
Say...
741
00:57:21,981 --> 00:57:24,650
Have I ever mentioned I'm married?
742
00:57:34,869 --> 00:57:37,163
-Are you really?
-Yeah!
743
00:57:37,413 --> 00:57:40,457
May lightning strike me if I'm not!
744
00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:47,006
But are you really?
745
00:57:47,173 --> 00:57:49,592
Have been for two years!
746
00:57:55,931 --> 00:57:57,141
Well then...
747
00:58:29,924 --> 00:58:31,550
Easy.
748
00:59:49,837 --> 00:59:52,089
Can't you see she's dead?
749
00:59:55,509 --> 00:59:56,510
Out!
750
01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,510
What do you want?
751
01:00:39,011 --> 01:00:42,473
I came to pick up the milk,
has everyone gone home?
752
01:00:42,681 --> 01:00:46,060
You took forever!
It's over there.
753
01:02:33,584 --> 01:02:36,044
The truck was swathed
in streaks of milk.
754
01:02:36,170 --> 01:02:40,090
To Duminică, the white was
dizzying, frightening at first.
755
01:02:40,257 --> 01:02:43,511
Then it made him happy,
thinking he had found that place
756
01:02:43,594 --> 01:02:46,013
where all is unreal and repairable.
757
01:02:46,346 --> 01:02:49,766
There couldn't be rivers of milk
one could drown in.
758
01:02:50,017 --> 01:02:54,354
Quietly, he told someone
to stop the game, it was enough.
759
01:03:01,653 --> 01:03:05,324
Yes indeed!
A nice, touching story.
760
01:03:05,491 --> 01:03:07,242
Chekhovian!
761
01:03:07,743 --> 01:03:09,912
Not really a love story, though.
762
01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:12,372
The spectators might be disappointed.
763
01:03:12,498 --> 01:03:13,707
Let's try again.
764
01:03:13,874 --> 01:03:15,584
-Right now?
-Later!
765
01:03:15,834 --> 01:03:18,629
Let me show you
how my runaways are doing.
766
01:03:48,742 --> 01:03:50,661
They sent out the police!
767
01:03:51,328 --> 01:03:52,621
Fuck them.
768
01:04:01,213 --> 01:04:03,298
-Let's go back.
-Back there?
769
01:04:04,091 --> 01:04:07,094
They won't expect us to go back.
770
01:04:07,261 --> 01:04:09,221
We can escape in the morning.
771
01:04:12,516 --> 01:04:15,727
-I love torturing, killing...
-The Americans do it too.
772
01:04:15,852 --> 01:04:17,854
Not the same at all!
773
01:04:18,021 --> 01:04:21,650
If you saw the things we do!
Mr. Putin gave us free rein.
774
01:04:21,817 --> 01:04:24,695
Any Ukrainian we catch,
we kill with sledgehammers!
775
01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:26,196
Wagner!
776
01:04:26,405 --> 01:04:29,492
An American soldier has a little fun,
777
01:04:29,575 --> 01:04:31,994
the media and the judges are on him.
778
01:04:32,244 --> 01:04:34,955
Romania hosted
an American torture centre too.
779
01:04:35,163 --> 01:04:39,793
Operation Bright Light.
It was in Bucharest, near a school.
780
01:04:40,085 --> 01:04:43,755
The European media made
more of a fuss than the local one.
781
01:04:44,131 --> 01:04:47,342
Romanians let them torture away.
782
01:04:47,718 --> 01:04:49,762
Detention Site Black, it was called.
783
01:04:49,845 --> 01:04:55,392
I heard Americans used
rock music for torture, Metallica...
784
01:04:56,018 --> 01:04:58,979
Rage Against the Machine,
Britney Spears...
785
01:04:59,229 --> 01:05:03,776
Then a Romanian collaborator
put them all to shame,
786
01:05:03,859 --> 01:05:07,988
torturing them to The Romanian Rhapsody,
which was even more effective!
787
01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,866
We can teach them a thing or two!
788
01:05:11,033 --> 01:05:12,618
Was Băsescu president?
789
01:05:12,743 --> 01:05:15,370
No, dear little Comrade Iliescu!
790
01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:17,372
And a good thing he did!
791
01:05:17,789 --> 01:05:19,416
Sometimes you have no choice.
792
01:05:19,666 --> 01:05:21,501
Take this situation:
793
01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:23,879
Say we've caught a terrorist
794
01:05:24,087 --> 01:05:27,591
who's hidden a bomb
that will kill 5000 people.
795
01:05:27,966 --> 01:05:29,217
What do we do?
796
01:05:29,426 --> 01:05:32,387
We interrogate him, he won't confess.
797
01:05:32,554 --> 01:05:34,473
So we have to torture him.
798
01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:38,727
To find where the bomb is
and save 5000 lives.
799
01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:42,189
It's not even torture,
just "enhanced interrogation"!
800
01:05:42,356 --> 01:05:47,361
Tzvetan Todorov says
the French claimed the same in Algeria.
801
01:05:48,779 --> 01:05:52,282
They justified torture to save -
802
01:05:52,574 --> 01:05:55,035
to save potential victims,
803
01:05:55,160 --> 01:05:59,873
but practically, there's no case
of lives saved through torture.
804
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,917
Of course he'd say that!
805
01:06:02,084 --> 01:06:04,336
It suits him, stupid Bulgarian.
806
01:06:04,503 --> 01:06:07,339
Actually, torture solves a lot of issues.
807
01:06:07,673 --> 01:06:10,258
Enhanced interrogation, I mean.
808
01:06:10,509 --> 01:06:14,971
Otherwise, our way of life
would go down the drain.
809
01:06:15,514 --> 01:06:18,058
The CIA collaborated with Nazis.
810
01:06:18,225 --> 01:06:20,227
Like Klaus Barbie.
811
01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:23,689
The Russians work
with Fascists too, so what?
812
01:06:23,980 --> 01:06:26,817
They don't even hide, they do it in style!
813
01:06:27,067 --> 01:06:29,695
Way back when, it used to be a secret.
814
01:06:30,237 --> 01:06:33,615
Ever heard of Manshu Detachment 731?
815
01:06:33,865 --> 01:06:35,826
Where's that Jap?
816
01:06:36,618 --> 01:06:42,666
It's where, in WW2, the Japanese made
every horrible experiment imaginable.
817
01:06:42,833 --> 01:06:45,585
Killed hundreds of thousands of Chinese.
818
01:06:45,836 --> 01:06:47,087
If not millions.
819
01:06:47,212 --> 01:06:48,880
I didn't know that.
820
01:06:49,214 --> 01:06:52,008
There's so many Chinese anyway, fuck them.
821
01:06:52,300 --> 01:06:55,637
Our knowledge of
the effects of freezing on the body
822
01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:58,181
evolved only thanks to those experiments!
823
01:06:58,348 --> 01:07:00,600
So the Americans, in 1945,
824
01:07:00,767 --> 01:07:06,231
let those murdering doctors go free
in exchange for information.
825
01:07:06,690 --> 01:07:09,651
One of them, Dr. Yoshimura Hisato,
826
01:07:09,901 --> 01:07:13,280
became Dean of
the Kyoto University of Medicine
827
01:07:13,447 --> 01:07:16,408
and used his knowledge on cold exposure -
828
01:07:16,575 --> 01:07:18,243
Put it down there.
829
01:07:19,786 --> 01:07:23,832
And became consultant for
a Japanese expedition to the South Pole!
830
01:07:23,999 --> 01:07:25,834
That's how mankind evolves.
831
01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:30,839
Think they'd say "we can't use
knowledge obtained that way"?
832
01:07:31,631 --> 01:07:34,718
Same goes for Russians
torturing and killing in Ukraine.
833
01:07:54,070 --> 01:07:57,532
They'll get tired running and quit.
834
01:07:57,783 --> 01:07:59,826
I hope so, fucking wankers!
835
01:08:00,952 --> 01:08:02,412
Sure they will!
836
01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:05,665
People are lazy, they get bored quickly.
837
01:08:06,124 --> 01:08:09,002
Even the shape of the pyramids proves
838
01:08:09,211 --> 01:08:14,257
that as they work, people feel
like doing less and less of it!
839
01:08:55,590 --> 01:08:57,092
Where is he?
840
01:08:57,592 --> 01:08:58,593
Up!
841
01:08:58,718 --> 01:09:00,387
I see him! There!
842
01:09:00,595 --> 01:09:02,681
-He's up there!
-There's nothing there.
843
01:09:02,806 --> 01:09:04,599
There! Come on!
844
01:09:11,940 --> 01:09:16,820
I'm reading this thing about
the old names of Romanian towns.
845
01:09:16,987 --> 01:09:17,988
Like?
846
01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:23,368
Poverty and misery are visible
in the old names of communities.
847
01:09:24,035 --> 01:09:28,623
Many villages had names
like Misery, Ever-Hungry,
848
01:09:28,790 --> 01:09:32,210
Downtrodden, Starvington, Shithole,
849
01:09:32,377 --> 01:09:36,423
Lousy, Lice-Ridden, Cursed-Village,
850
01:09:36,715 --> 01:09:38,425
Full-of-Shit, Dung-Pit.
851
01:09:38,925 --> 01:09:41,511
They were only changed
after Carol II's reform.
852
01:09:41,970 --> 01:09:43,096
I know.
853
01:09:44,514 --> 01:09:48,977
But other village names
show we're a vigorous people.
854
01:09:49,269 --> 01:09:54,024
Fuckeree, with its Church of Whores.
855
01:09:54,649 --> 01:10:00,280
Places named Clitty, Cockaton,
Cuntsville, Ballsack.
856
01:10:02,115 --> 01:10:05,035
- As a counterargument -
- No touching!
857
01:10:05,243 --> 01:10:11,207
Many villages
had names like Rich-Place,
858
01:10:11,499 --> 01:10:14,085
because hard workers made good money.
859
01:10:14,377 --> 01:10:18,715
That only means
some were rich and many were poor.
860
01:10:19,007 --> 01:10:20,300
Just like now.
861
01:10:23,803 --> 01:10:26,222
While the two huddle there in fright,
862
01:10:26,389 --> 01:10:29,225
please, Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
863
01:10:29,392 --> 01:10:33,647
make a classical silent film,
in the line of Dreyer or Samuel Beckett.
864
01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:37,609
7. The Fangs of the Vampire
865
01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:50,432
What can a poor man do
if he has a toothache?
866
01:11:56,187 --> 01:11:59,983
The poor should
pull out their own teeth!
867
01:12:06,656 --> 01:12:08,908
Fuck you, scumbag!
868
01:13:05,924 --> 01:13:07,509
Not so hot!
869
01:13:07,675 --> 01:13:11,179
Besides, I asked for a silent film!
870
01:13:11,346 --> 01:13:12,305
But it was.
871
01:13:12,472 --> 01:13:15,642
Only half of it, Dottore.
And it was in colour!
872
01:13:15,767 --> 01:13:20,522
You didn't specify black-and-white.
Besides, that doesn't sell.
873
01:13:20,814 --> 01:13:21,815
Whatever.
874
01:13:22,232 --> 01:13:25,652
Let's give the audience
something short, yet moving.
875
01:13:25,819 --> 01:13:29,239
Maybe a musical,
to please the audience.
876
01:13:29,489 --> 01:13:30,323
Of course!
877
01:13:30,406 --> 01:13:34,160
8. A Ballad
878
01:13:34,327 --> 01:13:37,330
I got up and climbed a vine,
879
01:13:38,581 --> 01:13:40,959
To see if my goats were fine,
880
01:13:42,710 --> 01:13:45,338
The goats licked on a salt rock,
881
01:13:46,965 --> 01:13:49,592
Cute girls can't stay off my cock.
882
01:13:59,144 --> 01:14:01,604
Bridegroom, yesterday you bawled
883
01:14:03,356 --> 01:14:06,109
And complained your cock was small.
884
01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:09,612
See the blood drip from the hole,
885
01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:14,033
You complained your cock was small!
886
01:14:15,493 --> 01:14:17,912
Give the shepherd fields and flocks,
887
01:14:19,873 --> 01:14:22,125
Give the bride a bed of cocks!
888
01:14:24,002 --> 01:14:26,379
The best cock, or so I read,
889
01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:30,383
Looks and feels like a duck's head.
890
01:14:32,093 --> 01:14:33,094
Merci beaucoup.
891
01:14:34,179 --> 01:14:36,556
What's that crap, you retard?
892
01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:39,934
I said emotional, not vulgar!
893
01:14:40,185 --> 01:14:42,604
I apologise, I've caught a virus.
894
01:14:42,770 --> 01:14:45,398
No, I apologise! To the audience!
895
01:14:45,565 --> 01:14:47,359
Though it's not my fault. You animal!
896
01:14:47,442 --> 01:14:49,736
I deeply and personally apologise,
897
01:14:49,819 --> 01:14:52,780
but I require repairs
by Silicon Valley engineers.
898
01:14:53,031 --> 01:14:54,991
-Do I need to do anything?
-No.
899
01:14:55,158 --> 01:14:58,411
I've contacted them,
they'll get to work on the servers.
900
01:15:01,456 --> 01:15:02,624
Here!
901
01:15:02,874 --> 01:15:03,917
Stop!
902
01:15:04,709 --> 01:15:05,919
Come, come.
903
01:15:08,213 --> 01:15:11,216
It's closed!
Come, come!
904
01:15:18,681 --> 01:15:23,937
Dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
now the Americans got you fixed,
905
01:15:24,062 --> 01:15:29,234
adapt the first Romanian vampire novel.
906
01:15:29,400 --> 01:15:33,363
Vampirul, by Bilciurescu and Amza, 1938.
907
01:15:33,571 --> 01:15:37,617
Certainly. This will be
a longer digression, about 50 minutes,
908
01:15:37,951 --> 01:15:41,621
but full of adventure and
wondrous plot twists.
909
01:15:41,829 --> 01:15:45,625
8. The Vampire
910
01:15:56,511 --> 01:16:01,891
Night had lowered its
lugubrious mantle over the land,
911
01:16:02,058 --> 01:16:05,103
accompanied by a rattling, ceaseless rain,
912
01:16:05,561 --> 01:16:09,232
deafeningly punctuated
by a formidable storm.
913
01:16:10,275 --> 01:16:14,153
From the four corners of space,
the four known winds
914
01:16:14,362 --> 01:16:16,531
had found a place to duel,
915
01:16:16,698 --> 01:16:19,617
at the heart of the region's mountains.
916
01:16:19,951 --> 01:16:21,744
Like the runner at Marathon,
917
01:16:21,869 --> 01:16:24,956
tired, but having
conquered great distances,
918
01:16:25,665 --> 01:16:31,087
the train let out its last huff
in the Oravița station.
919
01:16:32,880 --> 01:16:33,965
Yes!
920
01:16:35,258 --> 01:16:37,677
-Some trout, Sir?
-Is it poached?
921
01:16:37,844 --> 01:16:40,096
No one ever poaches here.
922
01:16:40,888 --> 01:16:44,309
Anyway, a few trout less
won't harm the lake
923
01:16:44,475 --> 01:16:47,812
nor the clear rivers
flowing through our mountains.
924
01:16:52,650 --> 01:16:55,528
Allow me to introduce myself.
Solomon Bastius.
925
01:16:55,737 --> 01:16:59,324
Cereal trader here in Oravița.
My company is "The Budding Grain".
926
01:16:59,490 --> 01:17:02,911
Ph.D. candidate Corneliu Cociu,
graduate of Letters and Philosophy.
927
01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,538
-I studied with Martin Heidegger!
-Oh my!
928
01:17:05,747 --> 01:17:07,540
What brings you here?
929
01:17:07,707 --> 01:17:12,462
Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth
has hired me to be his secretary.
930
01:17:12,920 --> 01:17:16,799
The castle isn't his.
He's the late Count's brother-in-law.
931
01:17:17,008 --> 01:17:20,845
And legal guardian to his niece,
Countess Ermina Kollovrat.
932
01:17:21,095 --> 01:17:22,764
I don't envy you, though.
933
01:17:22,930 --> 01:17:25,933
The things that happen
in that cursed castle!
934
01:17:28,436 --> 01:17:30,646
The vampire is coming! Hide!
935
01:17:30,938 --> 01:17:33,274
-What chases you, good people?
-A vampire!
936
01:17:33,524 --> 01:17:35,109
A vampire!
937
01:17:35,693 --> 01:17:38,112
A vampire has been
haunting our parts, Sir.
938
01:17:38,279 --> 01:17:41,741
-What is a vampire?
-You've never heard of it?
939
01:17:41,991 --> 01:17:44,243
A dead body coming to life each night,
940
01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:47,997
leaving his grave
and sucking the blood of the living!
941
01:17:48,539 --> 01:17:50,083
I just saw him!
942
01:17:50,291 --> 01:17:53,795
He had a bat's wings,
a man's body and an eagle's claws!
943
01:17:54,003 --> 01:17:55,963
And frightening eyes,
944
01:17:56,089 --> 01:17:58,674
like brass pans
turned red-hot in the fire!
945
01:17:58,800 --> 01:18:03,096
The hands under his wings
clasped a dagger of unusual size.
946
01:18:03,262 --> 01:18:06,307
He said "Follow me or die here!"
947
01:18:06,557 --> 01:18:09,477
As he made his threat,
lightning struck nearby,
948
01:18:09,727 --> 01:18:12,688
and an owl's fateful cry
heralded our grim end.
949
01:18:12,897 --> 01:18:15,108
But, as if by miracle, he disappeared
950
01:18:15,191 --> 01:18:18,486
and as we ran off,
we heard from behind:
951
01:18:18,653 --> 01:18:21,572
"No one escapes my revenge, nor will you!"
952
01:18:21,697 --> 01:18:23,533
What is his business with you?
953
01:18:23,658 --> 01:18:27,329
We mocked him, denying his existence!
954
01:18:27,412 --> 01:18:28,788
Has he hurt anyone?
955
01:18:28,913 --> 01:18:32,041
He's sucked the blood of
two people in Sommerfrische.
956
01:18:32,291 --> 01:18:34,836
They were from
the tuberculosis sanatorium
957
01:18:34,919 --> 01:18:38,589
and, unable to run,
were torn apart by a pack of wolves!
958
01:18:38,965 --> 01:18:44,178
Vampires have the power
to turn into bats, wolves or eagles!
959
01:18:44,345 --> 01:18:48,516
This region is ruled by a society
whose main constituents are
960
01:18:48,683 --> 01:18:51,185
the former owners or their heirs.
961
01:18:51,519 --> 01:18:54,730
It is haunted by a vampire,
thought to have his lair
962
01:18:54,856 --> 01:18:57,942
in the very castle of
the Kollovrat counts, your destination.
963
01:18:58,151 --> 01:19:00,987
The troubles have been more persistent
964
01:19:01,279 --> 01:19:03,573
since Baron Julius-Adalbert Wirth
965
01:19:03,739 --> 01:19:07,869
built a church and brought in a priest
to pray for the region's salvation.
966
01:19:08,035 --> 01:19:10,997
The church is Catholic,
the priest is Eastern Orthodox!
967
01:19:11,122 --> 01:19:14,500
Nonsense!
Get me a cariole to take me to the castle.
968
01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,335
Sir, you don't understand -
969
01:19:16,461 --> 01:19:18,963
-Out of my way!
-It's dangerous!
970
01:19:19,046 --> 01:19:20,214
Good keep us safe!
971
01:19:29,849 --> 01:19:31,309
Giddy-up, my black beauty!
972
01:20:08,554 --> 01:20:10,806
[German:] Are you Mr Korneliu Kokyu?
973
01:20:10,973 --> 01:20:13,601
Yes, Baron. Cociu.
974
01:20:14,810 --> 01:20:15,937
Welcome!
975
01:20:16,062 --> 01:20:19,315
I don't speak good German,
but I understand it.
976
01:20:19,607 --> 01:20:21,442
[Romanian:] I understand Romanian.
977
01:20:22,401 --> 01:20:26,197
[German:] I studied Philosophy
with Martin Heidegger.
978
01:20:26,781 --> 01:20:29,408
Your friend from the NSDAP.
979
01:20:29,909 --> 01:20:31,744
No need to call me Baron.
980
01:20:31,994 --> 01:20:36,123
Nobility by birth is chance.
True nobility is intellectual.
981
01:20:36,290 --> 01:20:38,501
-Not here. There.
-Yes.
982
01:20:38,960 --> 01:20:40,545
Just call me "Sir",
983
01:20:40,711 --> 01:20:43,548
or, once we've known
each other better, "my old friend".
984
01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:49,011
Now let me explain
what I expect of you.
985
01:20:49,804 --> 01:20:52,515
I want you to be by my side,
986
01:20:53,015 --> 01:20:56,102
so we may support each other morally.
987
01:20:56,269 --> 01:21:00,690
This castle is yours, as much
as it is mine and the young lady's,
988
01:21:01,190 --> 01:21:02,733
my pupil.
989
01:21:03,109 --> 01:21:06,988
Your task will be to put order
into the documents and manuscripts here,
990
01:21:07,154 --> 01:21:09,115
and, apart from that,
991
01:21:09,282 --> 01:21:13,452
to make an inventory
and catalogue of the library.
992
01:21:13,578 --> 01:21:15,913
Wow, the complete Edward Gibbon!
993
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:18,541
The main purpose of your presence here,
994
01:21:18,791 --> 01:21:21,002
though I have not mentioned it before,
995
01:21:21,252 --> 01:21:24,964
is that there may be, in this castle,
996
01:21:25,506 --> 01:21:27,508
not one, but two men.
997
01:21:27,925 --> 01:21:28,759
I see.
998
01:21:34,557 --> 01:21:35,725
Good evening.
999
01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:39,937
Ph.D. candidate Corneliu Cociu.
I've studied with Martin Heidegger.
1000
01:21:40,104 --> 01:21:42,189
Countess Ermina of Kollovrat.
1001
01:21:42,732 --> 01:21:47,236
My apologies for not knocking.
I am used to being alone here.
1002
01:21:47,612 --> 01:21:52,950
But I am glad to find you here,
and fully aware of your important task.
1003
01:21:53,576 --> 01:21:58,331
The timbre of her crystalline voice
came as if through a receptacle.
1004
01:21:58,956 --> 01:22:03,377
As Cociu gazed at her,
her features blazed into his mind,
1005
01:22:03,544 --> 01:22:08,507
like those of an otherworldly being
he had met millennia ago.
1006
01:22:09,300 --> 01:22:13,846
Perhaps the archetype
of his dream, embodied here and now.
1007
01:22:14,221 --> 01:22:17,850
Young countess Ermina of Kollovrat
was one of those creatures
1008
01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:21,103
only seen in the Oriental
reaches of our fantasy.
1009
01:22:21,604 --> 01:22:27,360
With the pure oval of her face,
like those in Renaissance paintings,
1010
01:22:28,361 --> 01:22:31,864
she seemed a Georgian meant
to express, through her being,
1011
01:22:32,031 --> 01:22:36,327
the embodiment of
perfection in the human race.
1012
01:22:36,452 --> 01:22:38,788
Yes, I am the Countess of Kollovrat,
1013
01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:41,832
owner of this castle and
the surrounding mountains.
1014
01:22:42,041 --> 01:22:44,543
Yet more miserable than a beggar.
1015
01:22:44,877 --> 01:22:49,299
The Countess of Kollovrat,
so wonderfully gifted by nature,
1016
01:22:49,382 --> 01:22:52,677
with such a considerable fortune,
is unhappy?
1017
01:22:52,927 --> 01:22:56,013
Sir, all my endowments from nature
1018
01:22:56,305 --> 01:23:00,351
can only be appreciated, as you see,
by the mountain pines!
1019
01:23:01,811 --> 01:23:03,062
The vampire!
1020
01:23:22,998 --> 01:23:24,250
Countess!
1021
01:23:24,417 --> 01:23:25,918
What is wrong?
1022
01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:28,379
Ermina!
1023
01:23:29,630 --> 01:23:32,550
As a scientist,
I cannot believe such things.
1024
01:23:32,717 --> 01:23:37,096
Only uncultured people or
highly sensitive souls like my niece
1025
01:23:37,304 --> 01:23:39,306
can believe such stories.
1026
01:23:39,432 --> 01:23:42,226
But, Baron, what I have seen last night -
1027
01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:43,853
...Is something banal.
1028
01:23:45,938 --> 01:23:49,316
You can see bats in
every building around here.
1029
01:23:49,608 --> 01:23:53,571
As for wolves, they howl all around.
1030
01:23:53,904 --> 01:23:55,698
Yet, to appease you
1031
01:23:55,948 --> 01:24:00,244
by conceding that you have
indeed seen something unusual,
1032
01:24:00,494 --> 01:24:05,207
I will tell you there is a theory
on collective hallucination.
1033
01:24:06,000 --> 01:24:10,129
The madness of the masses
creates a peculiar atmosphere,
1034
01:24:10,421 --> 01:24:13,132
and you yourself have entered it.
1035
01:24:29,648 --> 01:24:31,692
The young Countess!
1036
01:24:32,443 --> 01:24:33,569
Ermina!
1037
01:24:34,195 --> 01:24:36,572
There is... blood!
1038
01:24:39,325 --> 01:24:40,868
She is dead!
1039
01:24:41,535 --> 01:24:43,955
-Ermina is dead!
-No, not dead!
1040
01:24:44,038 --> 01:24:46,499
-Send for the doctor!
-Jawohl!
1041
01:24:52,755 --> 01:24:57,051
Something like a shadow
penetrated through the window.
1042
01:24:57,176 --> 01:25:00,137
Before I could cry for help, I fainted,
1043
01:25:00,262 --> 01:25:01,806
that's all I know...
1044
01:25:03,599 --> 01:25:04,767
Baron,
1045
01:25:05,476 --> 01:25:07,269
this is my diagnosis:
1046
01:25:08,103 --> 01:25:11,398
Your niece has fallen
victim to the vampire
1047
01:25:11,649 --> 01:25:13,609
who has made many victims already.
1048
01:25:13,943 --> 01:25:17,196
I advise you to hang by every door
1049
01:25:17,363 --> 01:25:21,283
Knoblauch and twigs of
holly dipped in holy water.
1050
01:25:21,534 --> 01:25:22,743
What, you?
1051
01:25:22,910 --> 01:25:26,914
As a man of science,
you shouldn't resort to such compromise.
1052
01:25:27,832 --> 01:25:29,834
I cannot comprehend this.
1053
01:25:30,042 --> 01:25:32,711
Even if vampires really existed,
1054
01:25:32,837 --> 01:25:35,882
I would not fight them
with the weapons of superstition!
1055
01:25:35,965 --> 01:25:40,719
Prayer, prayer alone can
fight the acts of the Unholy One!
1056
01:25:40,886 --> 01:25:41,971
Pray!
1057
01:25:42,096 --> 01:25:45,391
Herr Baron, you are not superstitious -
move aside!
1058
01:25:46,058 --> 01:25:47,935
Me, superstitious?
1059
01:25:49,186 --> 01:25:50,896
No.
1060
01:25:51,772 --> 01:25:52,940
Listen.
1061
01:25:53,566 --> 01:25:56,068
I have brought this priest here,
1062
01:25:56,318 --> 01:26:01,073
built and furnished a church
so that God, with his power,
1063
01:26:01,282 --> 01:26:03,284
may vanquish Satan.
1064
01:26:03,868 --> 01:26:06,912
Please don't consider me
a fanatic for this.
1065
01:26:07,288 --> 01:26:09,290
I see God merely as...
1066
01:26:09,623 --> 01:26:14,086
an arbiter of the Universe,
a form of balance,
1067
01:26:14,295 --> 01:26:17,756
the power of cohesion
between Force and Matter.
1068
01:26:19,008 --> 01:26:21,635
I only built that church for the people.
1069
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:23,721
For the simple minds,
1070
01:26:23,804 --> 01:26:27,892
who need to live in fear
and respect of holy things.
1071
01:26:28,350 --> 01:26:32,062
An educated man
has his church in his soul.
1072
01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:35,024
Just a moment, Father.
1073
01:26:36,358 --> 01:26:39,486
A Fascist colleague, Eliade Mircea,
told me a Zen koan.
1074
01:26:39,695 --> 01:26:44,116
"We know how two hands clap,
but how does a single hand?"
1075
01:26:53,000 --> 01:26:57,630
You blame the 60 dead and
120 wounded in the mine cave-in
1076
01:26:57,880 --> 01:26:59,715
on the vampire.
1077
01:26:59,882 --> 01:27:01,717
It may well be.
1078
01:27:01,884 --> 01:27:05,346
As a result of your lack of faith!
1079
01:27:05,763 --> 01:27:11,644
Religious faith alone is all-powerful
in the fight against evil!
1080
01:27:12,478 --> 01:27:15,189
Why does this vampire appear before us,
1081
01:27:15,397 --> 01:27:20,069
terrorising, assaulting,
sometimes killing?
1082
01:27:20,319 --> 01:27:26,116
Because men have turned evil
and lost their faith in God!
1083
01:27:26,325 --> 01:27:30,079
Our church is emptier by the day,
1084
01:27:30,287 --> 01:27:34,249
and those who do enter it
have dishonest souls!
1085
01:27:34,500 --> 01:27:36,043
Petty souls!
1086
01:27:36,210 --> 01:27:38,170
They all come empty-handed,
1087
01:27:38,587 --> 01:27:44,385
not thinking of our church's
needs and expenses!
1088
01:27:45,469 --> 01:27:48,889
Why does the vampire
not visit me, for instance?
1089
01:27:49,056 --> 01:27:54,061
Because he fears the Holy Archangel
who, by the grace of the Lord,
1090
01:27:54,395 --> 01:27:58,148
guards me and casts away evil spirits,
1091
01:27:58,273 --> 01:28:00,192
with his fiery sword!
1092
01:28:00,609 --> 01:28:03,529
Believe in God
and you shall be saved,
1093
01:28:03,696 --> 01:28:07,116
pray and you shall be protected!
1094
01:28:07,908 --> 01:28:10,536
Otherwise, like Sodom and Gomorrah,
1095
01:28:10,703 --> 01:28:15,207
Earth shall be engulfed
in the all-consuming flames
1096
01:28:15,624 --> 01:28:21,005
and we shall perish in
the ghastly torment of unforgiving Hell!
1097
01:28:21,213 --> 01:28:25,676
Frightened by the pathetic tones
of this new Savonarola,
1098
01:28:26,135 --> 01:28:29,722
heads hung even lower, knees were bent,
1099
01:28:30,055 --> 01:28:34,601
trembling amber-yellow fingers
clasped prayer books,
1100
01:28:35,102 --> 01:28:41,608
and coins jingled in the offertory box.
1101
01:28:44,069 --> 01:28:49,241
Perhaps he subconsciously
wished to meet the vampire,
1102
01:28:49,408 --> 01:28:51,910
throttle him and shout:
1103
01:28:52,244 --> 01:28:58,083
"You are an impostor, taking
supernatural form to terrify the region!"
1104
01:28:58,542 --> 01:29:03,505
But the vampire seemed to want
to play a trick on Corneliu Cociu
1105
01:29:03,630 --> 01:29:05,758
by avoiding him.
1106
01:29:11,972 --> 01:29:14,016
Halt! Who goes there?
1107
01:29:18,979 --> 01:29:20,189
Stop or I shoot!
1108
01:29:21,148 --> 01:29:25,235
If you are a good man,
you will not be harmed.
1109
01:29:25,486 --> 01:29:29,114
I am hungry and cannot hold back!
1110
01:29:29,323 --> 01:29:32,743
All I ask for is three drops of blood!
1111
01:29:40,250 --> 01:29:41,460
Cheers.
1112
01:29:41,960 --> 01:29:46,340
Mayor, these vampire stories
have become a cock-and-bull story.
1113
01:29:46,507 --> 01:29:49,551
The gravekeeper's plight
shows they are no stories.
1114
01:29:49,718 --> 01:29:52,179
A damn drunkard!
He was hallucinating.
1115
01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:55,933
He fell asleep,
dreamed of fighting the vampire,
1116
01:29:56,058 --> 01:29:59,019
scratched his neck
and made up this story!
1117
01:29:59,436 --> 01:30:03,607
Devil, saint, bandit
or honest man, I don't care.
1118
01:30:03,982 --> 01:30:05,734
One thing I'm sure of.
1119
01:30:05,984 --> 01:30:11,240
As mayor, I will do everything
in my power to defeat the vampire.
1120
01:30:11,532 --> 01:30:15,160
If he's a devil, he is not
of this world and can't fight me.
1121
01:30:15,369 --> 01:30:16,829
Same if he's an angel.
1122
01:30:16,995 --> 01:30:20,624
But if he's human, so am I,
so let the strongest win!
1123
01:30:22,042 --> 01:30:23,919
Hello, Father!
1124
01:30:24,086 --> 01:30:25,879
God bless, my children.
1125
01:30:26,755 --> 01:30:28,966
What do you make of the vampire's attack?
1126
01:30:29,049 --> 01:30:31,135
There is no vampire!
1127
01:30:31,593 --> 01:30:36,140
It is a figment of the superstition
of people who have lost faith!
1128
01:30:36,265 --> 01:30:41,395
Sure, Father, but medicine says
wounds don't appear without a cause.
1129
01:30:41,854 --> 01:30:43,647
I fear nothing and no one.
1130
01:30:43,772 --> 01:30:47,025
While my conscience is clean,
no harm can come to me.
1131
01:30:47,192 --> 01:30:51,405
Yes, Mayor, those of pure
conscience have nothing to fear.
1132
01:30:51,572 --> 01:30:55,450
I believe this is a living being
speculating on popular belief.
1133
01:30:55,576 --> 01:30:56,910
Nonsense!
1134
01:30:57,035 --> 01:31:00,581
No one has seen this vampire,
and those who claim so
1135
01:31:00,831 --> 01:31:04,126
have built him out of hallucinations!
1136
01:31:04,209 --> 01:31:06,920
If I saw him,
I would welcome him with a bullet!
1137
01:31:07,254 --> 01:31:09,882
That would teach him to scare people!
1138
01:31:10,007 --> 01:31:11,425
You are mistaken!
1139
01:31:12,092 --> 01:31:13,886
It snowed large, heavy flakes.
1140
01:31:14,136 --> 01:31:17,765
Above the sky's ceiling,
the divine duvet-maker
1141
01:31:17,848 --> 01:31:19,558
was carding the wool of time.
1142
01:31:19,725 --> 01:31:23,187
The mountaintops,
obscured by the thick snow,
1143
01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:25,939
looked like towers reflected in a lake.
1144
01:31:26,273 --> 01:31:28,400
Like a gauze weaved of platinum,
1145
01:31:28,650 --> 01:31:33,280
cold blankets of snow
fell quietly, piling up tall.
1146
01:31:33,530 --> 01:31:38,327
The aged, now-white fir trees
were like chandeliers with snow candles
1147
01:31:38,535 --> 01:31:42,247
seemingly awaiting
Christmas and its gifts.
1148
01:31:44,541 --> 01:31:45,834
Who are you?
1149
01:31:48,295 --> 01:31:49,838
Are you the vampire?
1150
01:31:50,380 --> 01:31:52,633
If you are, I will shoot!
1151
01:31:52,966 --> 01:31:55,844
It would not hurt to try!
1152
01:31:57,888 --> 01:32:00,349
Will you not shoot?
1153
01:32:31,588 --> 01:32:33,924
Good morning, Herr Cociu.
1154
01:32:34,841 --> 01:32:36,551
How have you slept?
1155
01:32:37,427 --> 01:32:39,805
Herr Cociu, what is wrong?
1156
01:32:40,055 --> 01:32:41,848
Nothing, Herr Baron,
1157
01:32:42,099 --> 01:32:44,601
except I, too, have fallen to the vampire!
1158
01:32:45,394 --> 01:32:47,145
No, it cannot be.
1159
01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:50,232
Oh yes. I have met him in the Wald.
1160
01:32:50,440 --> 01:32:52,359
He disarmed me, sucked me.
1161
01:32:52,609 --> 01:32:56,071
If it hadn't been for
the forest keeper, who knows?
1162
01:32:56,321 --> 01:32:58,115
See the wound as evidence.
1163
01:32:58,824 --> 01:33:00,867
Here, on my neck.
1164
01:33:01,159 --> 01:33:03,996
You've scratched your neck, my dear.
1165
01:33:04,413 --> 01:33:06,748
While you were dreaming of the vampire.
1166
01:33:07,332 --> 01:33:10,585
And if the forest keeper hadn't appeared,
1167
01:33:10,794 --> 01:33:15,132
you'd have slept in the snow
and caught the influenza!
1168
01:33:16,591 --> 01:33:19,970
Unless you would have died of exposure.
1169
01:33:20,178 --> 01:33:23,098
Herr Baron,
I have seen the vampire!
1170
01:33:23,223 --> 01:33:25,934
I am not an uncultured seer of visions.
1171
01:33:26,101 --> 01:33:28,103
Allow me to contradict you.
1172
01:33:29,062 --> 01:33:33,066
It is intellectuals who
have the stronger imagination.
1173
01:33:33,400 --> 01:33:35,235
But vampires do exist.
1174
01:33:35,736 --> 01:33:40,115
I am now convinced of his
considerable supernatural powers.
1175
01:33:40,282 --> 01:33:42,743
I was under a mistaken impression.
1176
01:33:42,909 --> 01:33:44,745
But now that it has happened to me...
1177
01:33:45,746 --> 01:33:48,665
the matter has taken a different turn.
1178
01:33:48,832 --> 01:33:51,626
"A different turn", ja.
1179
01:33:52,794 --> 01:33:56,173
I am afraid of the vampire.
I always have been.
1180
01:33:56,423 --> 01:33:59,718
All my life in this castle
was spent under terror.
1181
01:33:59,926 --> 01:34:04,514
An exaggeration, Countess,
one that has made you lose hope.
1182
01:34:04,890 --> 01:34:07,225
The vampire is either
a joint mystification,
1183
01:34:07,392 --> 01:34:09,811
or a man-made forgery.
1184
01:34:10,479 --> 01:34:12,856
If the former is true, we are safe.
1185
01:34:12,981 --> 01:34:17,402
As for the second, I will
ferret out the false vampire!
1186
01:34:17,611 --> 01:34:19,738
The priest brought in by Baron Wirth,
1187
01:34:20,030 --> 01:34:23,658
though a firm believer
in spirits and vampires,
1188
01:34:23,867 --> 01:34:29,456
shows that prayer and good deeds
elevate man above evil powers.
1189
01:34:29,539 --> 01:34:31,792
-Has he never seen the vampire?
-No.
1190
01:34:31,875 --> 01:34:33,502
O tulips!
1191
01:34:35,337 --> 01:34:37,255
No, he fears the priest!
1192
01:34:37,422 --> 01:34:42,803
Even those close to the priest
have been kept safe from the vampire.
1193
01:34:43,303 --> 01:34:46,390
It's the divine power of a servant of God.
1194
01:34:46,556 --> 01:34:49,601
The gift believers are blessed with.
1195
01:34:49,768 --> 01:34:52,771
Pardon me, Countess,
but if I embraced that belief,
1196
01:34:52,896 --> 01:34:56,108
I would deeply betray science.
1197
01:34:56,233 --> 01:34:58,026
Science wants explanations.
1198
01:34:58,193 --> 01:35:02,072
The Father claims the vampire
is a spawn of darkness,
1199
01:35:02,239 --> 01:35:05,534
meant to punish sinners
for their loss of faith.
1200
01:35:05,659 --> 01:35:07,786
Then why has he visited you,
1201
01:35:07,869 --> 01:35:10,622
who are at peace with
your conscience and faith?
1202
01:35:10,789 --> 01:35:14,167
The Father says no human is without sin.
1203
01:35:14,334 --> 01:35:17,712
An odd thing to say.
The priest is human too.
1204
01:35:17,838 --> 01:35:22,217
So, by logical induction,
the vampire should persecute him too.
1205
01:35:22,426 --> 01:35:25,762
Even more so, since the priest
serves opposite interests.
1206
01:35:26,054 --> 01:35:30,767
The vampire is the Devil's ambassador,
the priest is God's messenger on Earth.
1207
01:35:31,184 --> 01:35:33,395
I must go. It is late.
1208
01:35:33,562 --> 01:35:36,189
The Countess held out her hand.
1209
01:35:36,356 --> 01:35:41,278
He kissed her delicate fingers
shivering coyly like frightened birds.
1210
01:35:49,327 --> 01:35:53,623
Countess Ermina, how glad I am
that you have stayed to pray!
1211
01:35:54,875 --> 01:35:56,001
Father...
1212
01:35:57,002 --> 01:35:59,713
I have given up
the thought of taking vows.
1213
01:36:00,130 --> 01:36:03,383
For a long time, I thought
I was meant for the convent.
1214
01:36:03,633 --> 01:36:07,137
Alone, with an uncle
who sees me as a burden,
1215
01:36:07,345 --> 01:36:10,599
forced to manage my fortune
by neglecting his,
1216
01:36:10,891 --> 01:36:14,102
denied the warmth of family affection,
1217
01:36:14,352 --> 01:36:19,191
abandoned by all,
powerless in a world full of evil,
1218
01:36:19,441 --> 01:36:22,486
I felt your advice was sound, Father.
1219
01:36:22,694 --> 01:36:27,157
To enter a monastery, sacrificing to God
my being, my youth, my fortune.
1220
01:36:27,532 --> 01:36:29,159
- But -
- Think, Countess.
1221
01:36:29,284 --> 01:36:32,204
This cursed region
is haunted by a vampire
1222
01:36:32,329 --> 01:36:35,081
who has only paused his pursuit of you
1223
01:36:35,207 --> 01:36:39,461
because God Almighty knows
how devoted you now are to Him.
1224
01:36:39,669 --> 01:36:42,423
Also think, Countess, of the locals
1225
01:36:42,506 --> 01:36:46,510
whom only you, through faith
and devotion to the Church,
1226
01:36:46,635 --> 01:36:49,054
can save from the Devil's claws!
1227
01:36:49,346 --> 01:36:54,392
And why would you want
to reject God's protection?
1228
01:36:54,768 --> 01:36:59,814
You, who have not succumbed
to the immoral fashion of the day,
1229
01:37:00,440 --> 01:37:05,445
who do not smoke, nor wear
short hair and dresses, nor makeup -
1230
01:37:05,570 --> 01:37:07,322
I am in love, Father!
1231
01:37:25,924 --> 01:37:28,218
Such fairytale scenery!
1232
01:37:28,552 --> 01:37:31,846
One expects to see
Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf,
1233
01:37:32,055 --> 01:37:35,350
dragons and other fairytale creatures!
1234
01:37:35,642 --> 01:37:38,728
Clearly, you are
more used to city streets.
1235
01:37:56,454 --> 01:37:57,706
Halt!
1236
01:37:58,915 --> 01:38:01,001
Not one step further!
1237
01:38:01,126 --> 01:38:03,044
I'll teach you to play the vampire!
1238
01:38:06,464 --> 01:38:07,799
Mr. Cociu!
1239
01:38:19,060 --> 01:38:20,645
Countess, I have hit him!
1240
01:38:20,812 --> 01:38:22,439
He bleeds warm blood!
1241
01:38:22,522 --> 01:38:25,358
-So...
-He is as human as us, Countess!
1242
01:38:25,734 --> 01:38:27,152
I'll get him yet!
1243
01:38:27,485 --> 01:38:30,864
Now let us resume our walk,
and I will rat out that vampire!
1244
01:38:31,364 --> 01:38:34,034
Utile et dulci, as Horatio said.
1245
01:38:45,420 --> 01:38:49,799
All the attacks reveal
a truth with the clarity of an axiom.
1246
01:38:50,008 --> 01:38:53,011
No vampire victim has been robbed.
1247
01:38:53,345 --> 01:38:56,848
So we are forced to draw this conclusion:
1248
01:38:57,140 --> 01:39:00,435
The motive of these acts
can only be revenge.
1249
01:39:00,727 --> 01:39:03,813
But could one man want
revenge against so many?
1250
01:39:04,022 --> 01:39:07,025
Were the two assaults on us
also motivated by revenge?
1251
01:39:07,192 --> 01:39:08,818
The one on me, for sure.
1252
01:39:08,985 --> 01:39:11,237
The vampire may think I am onto him
1253
01:39:11,404 --> 01:39:14,574
so he tried to push me
off the playing field,
1254
01:39:14,783 --> 01:39:17,410
or we may be about to ruin his plan.
1255
01:39:17,911 --> 01:39:21,289
In fact, the cariole that brought me here
1256
01:39:21,748 --> 01:39:23,833
rolled over by the stream.
1257
01:39:24,250 --> 01:39:27,962
But Dr. Geza Vendelin said
the merchant's death was an accident.
1258
01:39:28,088 --> 01:39:29,589
A huge idiot!
1259
01:39:30,090 --> 01:39:32,050
Then the manager of the Anina mines
1260
01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:34,182
was found with the same cut on his throat,
1261
01:39:34,469 --> 01:39:36,388
then you were assaulted...
1262
01:39:41,017 --> 01:39:44,479
Corneliu and Ermina continued
their walk in the mountains.
1263
01:39:44,646 --> 01:39:49,401
Ahead they could faintly
see the lights of Sommerfrische,
1264
01:39:49,484 --> 01:39:51,695
while left and right of the meadow
1265
01:39:51,778 --> 01:39:54,448
moonlight revealed multitudes of animals
1266
01:39:54,531 --> 01:39:57,325
wooing in the virginal surroundings.
1267
01:39:58,451 --> 01:40:01,371
Later they descended into a summer garden,
1268
01:40:01,621 --> 01:40:05,667
where they spent a while in a bush,
like two timid lovers.
1269
01:40:33,111 --> 01:40:35,196
There you were, Herr Cociu!
1270
01:40:35,447 --> 01:40:37,073
Jawohl, Herr Baron.
1271
01:40:37,699 --> 01:40:40,869
-What are you doing here?
-Checking for vampire traces.
1272
01:40:42,579 --> 01:40:44,038
Vampire traces?
1273
01:40:46,624 --> 01:40:50,712
Forgive me,
but I see you, too, are a victim.
1274
01:40:51,254 --> 01:40:54,382
This is a case of
contagious mass self-delusion,
1275
01:40:54,507 --> 01:40:57,385
you have begun to fear the vampire!
1276
01:40:58,428 --> 01:41:01,181
-You are not afraid, Herr Baron?
-No.
1277
01:41:02,015 --> 01:41:05,185
I am aware all these crimes
have been committed by a human!
1278
01:41:05,518 --> 01:41:07,979
Then why has he not been caught?
1279
01:41:09,230 --> 01:41:12,233
Because an intelligent criminal
is hard to catch,
1280
01:41:12,692 --> 01:41:14,486
when he works with no accomplices.
1281
01:41:14,652 --> 01:41:17,822
Only the mediocre fall
into the hands of the police.
1282
01:41:18,239 --> 01:41:23,578
At any rate,
this is a highly intelligent man,
1283
01:41:24,120 --> 01:41:28,917
who remains beyond suspicion
and is confident of his position here.
1284
01:41:29,083 --> 01:41:32,587
Entschuldigung, but I shall
accompany the Countess for a walk.
1285
01:41:32,796 --> 01:41:34,464
-Countess!
-Herr Cociu!
1286
01:41:36,883 --> 01:41:38,301
Pardon me.
1287
01:41:47,018 --> 01:41:48,144
What a surprise!
1288
01:41:48,353 --> 01:41:50,814
I would like to ask, Mr. Cociu.
1289
01:41:51,356 --> 01:41:53,149
What do you feel for me?
1290
01:41:53,650 --> 01:41:56,903
-Well...
-Let me tell you what I feel for you.
1291
01:41:56,986 --> 01:41:58,840
I know what you want to say, Countess.
1292
01:41:59,322 --> 01:42:01,991
A certain diffuse palpitation,
1293
01:42:02,408 --> 01:42:05,662
a mysterious shiver,
sometimes, beyond your will.
1294
01:42:06,037 --> 01:42:08,081
I feel the same, Countess,
1295
01:42:08,164 --> 01:42:10,667
and I will tell you sincerely,
since you ask,
1296
01:42:10,917 --> 01:42:12,673
that I have felt it for a long time.
1297
01:42:14,295 --> 01:42:17,882
As long as my suffering
at not daring to confess it.
1298
01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:23,847
Human souls may have
the same structure, but different clothes.
1299
01:42:24,138 --> 01:42:28,268
A minstrel's soul can be
as grand as that of a king,
1300
01:42:28,560 --> 01:42:31,479
but the latter wears royal purple.
1301
01:42:32,313 --> 01:42:35,608
Had you not brought it up,
1302
01:42:36,484 --> 01:42:38,695
my soul may never have dared,
1303
01:42:39,279 --> 01:42:43,449
through its physical garb,
to utter such confessions.
1304
01:42:44,367 --> 01:42:46,452
What do I feel by your side?
1305
01:42:46,953 --> 01:42:49,914
An abundant, divine paradise!
1306
01:42:50,164 --> 01:42:54,377
You are the one light my soul
sees in its grotto of despair!
1307
01:42:54,878 --> 01:42:57,463
And this... is love?
1308
01:42:57,589 --> 01:42:58,632
Yes!
1309
01:42:58,715 --> 01:43:01,634
But our social standing is different.
1310
01:43:02,135 --> 01:43:06,389
What does social standing have
to do with my soul's needs?
1311
01:43:07,015 --> 01:43:09,350
What we feel is the same.
1312
01:43:10,018 --> 01:43:11,812
To feel is to want,
1313
01:43:11,895 --> 01:43:13,563
and to want is to be!
1314
01:43:13,646 --> 01:43:14,939
Schopenhauer!
1315
01:43:15,106 --> 01:43:18,943
The sun had hidden behind
a mountain when the two youth,
1316
01:43:19,110 --> 01:43:21,446
reaching a cold stream,
1317
01:43:21,529 --> 01:43:25,283
plunged their hands in
the ice-cold, crystal-clear water.
1318
01:43:25,575 --> 01:43:30,163
Splashing around misty drops
as heralds of good fortune,
1319
01:43:30,413 --> 01:43:32,916
wet hands touching each other's shoulders,
1320
01:43:33,166 --> 01:43:38,129
they sealed with a first kiss
their unsuspected spiritual bond.
1321
01:43:45,762 --> 01:43:46,888
Ermina...
1322
01:43:47,013 --> 01:43:48,514
Mr. Cociu!
1323
01:43:49,098 --> 01:43:51,351
The innkeeper has been attacked!
1324
01:43:55,980 --> 01:43:58,274
What happened? Pardon me.
1325
01:44:00,109 --> 01:44:04,155
-I can't!
-You have to speak, so we can help.
1326
01:44:06,199 --> 01:44:08,534
I had just finished work last night...
1327
01:44:12,830 --> 01:44:13,831
Who is it?
1328
01:44:13,998 --> 01:44:15,541
A poor traveler.
1329
01:44:16,125 --> 01:44:20,588
On the way from Oravița,
my cariole's axle broke.
1330
01:44:20,797 --> 01:44:22,674
I seek a little rest.
1331
01:44:27,512 --> 01:44:29,389
Please, take a seat.
1332
01:44:29,889 --> 01:44:32,433
I am not used to eating alone.
1333
01:44:32,850 --> 01:44:36,479
I would appreciate if
we could toast together.
1334
01:44:39,232 --> 01:44:42,986
I regret having to leave
these beautiful lands,
1335
01:44:43,903 --> 01:44:46,948
but I have heard of a vampire
1336
01:44:47,115 --> 01:44:49,242
terrorising die alle Regionen!
1337
01:44:49,534 --> 01:44:51,244
Nonsense, Sir!
1338
01:44:51,828 --> 01:44:54,247
The vampire is nothing but an illusion.
1339
01:44:55,373 --> 01:44:58,167
So you do not believe in the vampire?
1340
01:44:59,335 --> 01:45:01,129
I believe in my money and work.
1341
01:45:01,421 --> 01:45:03,589
Vampires might exist,
1342
01:45:04,340 --> 01:45:06,389
but they can't have
anything to do with me.
1343
01:45:06,676 --> 01:45:08,469
To hell with that vampire!
1344
01:45:08,886 --> 01:45:12,181
Everywhere you turn,
it's all "the vampire, the vampire!"
1345
01:45:12,390 --> 01:45:15,810
We're the laugh of the region,
may he be struck dead!
1346
01:45:19,188 --> 01:45:20,356
I have a suspicion.
1347
01:45:21,107 --> 01:45:23,401
It's either Baron Wirth, or the priest.
1348
01:45:24,527 --> 01:45:29,699
For shame, Sir,
how can you imagine an aristocrat,
1349
01:45:29,907 --> 01:45:34,370
or the upholder
of faith in the Lord our God,
1350
01:45:34,620 --> 01:45:36,915
lowering themselves to such crime!
1351
01:45:36,998 --> 01:45:38,416
Dear Sir,
1352
01:45:39,000 --> 01:45:41,836
priests are privileged from birth.
1353
01:45:42,462 --> 01:45:44,797
Their studies are paid by the state,
1354
01:45:45,214 --> 01:45:48,885
and if he sleeps with a woman,
like us normal folk do,
1355
01:45:49,135 --> 01:45:52,388
the state has to give him a parish!
1356
01:45:52,555 --> 01:45:54,640
I didn't get my inn for free!
1357
01:45:55,224 --> 01:45:57,435
That's what makes him holy.
1358
01:45:57,643 --> 01:46:02,774
So pardon me if I have
little faith in my fellow men,
1359
01:46:03,066 --> 01:46:04,400
priests or not.
1360
01:46:04,525 --> 01:46:06,444
You don't believe in priests,
1361
01:46:06,611 --> 01:46:08,863
and you are truly not
afraid of the vampires?
1362
01:46:09,864 --> 01:46:11,866
You are mistaken, friend.
1363
01:46:13,451 --> 01:46:15,912
I fear you might call for me tonight,
1364
01:46:16,454 --> 01:46:18,206
asking for help.
1365
01:46:43,397 --> 01:46:46,359
Poor quality meat!
Such rotten fodder!
1366
01:46:46,526 --> 01:46:49,529
Such disgusting chaff! A pox on you!
1367
01:47:04,585 --> 01:47:06,420
Who are you, what do you want?
1368
01:47:06,754 --> 01:47:08,256
I am the vampire,
1369
01:47:08,422 --> 01:47:11,134
whose Existenz you doubted!
1370
01:47:11,676 --> 01:47:15,930
Right now, no priest
und no religion can save you!
1371
01:47:16,097 --> 01:47:18,975
Priests are only good
1372
01:47:19,142 --> 01:47:23,771
when no power greater
than religion stands in their way.
1373
01:47:24,188 --> 01:47:26,732
But may the world's Patriarchs forgive us,
1374
01:47:26,899 --> 01:47:33,156
we, too, have our times,
when they und God himself are asleep!
1375
01:47:33,364 --> 01:47:35,449
Forgive me, I've done you no harm!
1376
01:47:36,367 --> 01:47:38,619
Keep your mouth in check!
1377
01:47:39,036 --> 01:47:40,246
You talk too much!
1378
01:47:40,621 --> 01:47:47,621
The vampire is beyond human ken
und beyond human talk!
1379
01:47:50,923 --> 01:47:52,884
That's all I remember.
1380
01:47:53,342 --> 01:47:57,138
I came to my senses
with a bite on my neck,
1381
01:47:57,930 --> 01:48:00,516
faint from blood loss!
1382
01:48:04,353 --> 01:48:06,772
Mr. Cociu, Baron Wirth sends me.
1383
01:48:07,064 --> 01:48:09,233
-Disaster has struck!
-What?
1384
01:48:09,400 --> 01:48:11,277
Countess Ermina is missing.
1385
01:48:12,653 --> 01:48:15,948
-For how long?
-She was not in her chamber this morning.
1386
01:48:16,115 --> 01:48:17,658
Her bed was untouched.
1387
01:48:17,783 --> 01:48:21,412
My soul is heavy with foreboding.
1388
01:48:21,913 --> 01:48:25,499
Never mind foreboding,
what we need is action!
1389
01:48:25,708 --> 01:48:28,127
It's the vampire, Mr. Cociu!
1390
01:48:28,252 --> 01:48:30,463
Quiet, you lowlife serf!
1391
01:48:43,643 --> 01:48:47,146
Nothing unusual, save for
this chloroform-imbibed pad.
1392
01:48:47,313 --> 01:48:49,941
-Chloroform?
-This is a human's doing!
1393
01:48:50,107 --> 01:48:53,194
I've never heard of
vampires using chloroform.
1394
01:48:53,319 --> 01:48:55,488
It's the vampire, Mr. Cociu! I'm scared -
1395
01:48:55,655 --> 01:48:57,198
Quiet, simpleton!
1396
01:48:57,365 --> 01:49:02,036
All I see here is
drugging and abduction.
1397
01:49:03,287 --> 01:49:04,455
Ermina!
1398
01:49:06,082 --> 01:49:07,792
"Do not search for me!"
1399
01:49:08,960 --> 01:49:12,421
Through my conversations
with this wonderful priest,
1400
01:49:12,755 --> 01:49:17,426
I have become deeply
convinced of my mission.
1401
01:49:17,677 --> 01:49:19,804
"I will take vows in a monastery!"
1402
01:49:19,971 --> 01:49:21,181
In a monastery?
1403
01:49:21,264 --> 01:49:22,598
Read it!
1404
01:49:23,975 --> 01:49:27,979
"I must renounce worldly life
to banish the evil spirits
1405
01:49:28,062 --> 01:49:30,481
trying to conquer my soul.
1406
01:49:30,815 --> 01:49:32,233
I am a cursed woman!
1407
01:49:33,067 --> 01:49:38,155
Mine is an ancestral curse,
which I must keep away from my family.
1408
01:49:38,406 --> 01:49:42,660
"Monastery life is not a sacrifice.
I go there gladly, Ermina."
1409
01:49:42,868 --> 01:49:44,287
Gross forgery!
1410
01:49:44,453 --> 01:49:46,372
No. That is her handwriting.
1411
01:49:47,707 --> 01:49:52,545
For a noble, beautiful maiden,
monastery life is a great sacrifice!
1412
01:49:52,837 --> 01:49:56,465
I fail to see your point.
All Christians live for the Church.
1413
01:49:56,632 --> 01:50:00,136
This is a complete
renunciation of worldly pleasures,
1414
01:50:00,261 --> 01:50:01,887
what the Countess is doing.
1415
01:50:02,263 --> 01:50:04,181
This news makes me glad, son.
1416
01:50:04,348 --> 01:50:06,142
But she is an unfortunate soul!
1417
01:50:06,267 --> 01:50:10,771
The Baron thinks his niece is insane,
and will take measures as her guardian.
1418
01:50:10,896 --> 01:50:14,066
What measures can the Baron take?
1419
01:50:15,067 --> 01:50:17,528
Does he think to fight God?
1420
01:50:17,987 --> 01:50:20,865
Does he want the region
to be laid waste by plague?
1421
01:50:21,574 --> 01:50:24,243
Isn't the vampire tormenting us enough?
1422
01:50:24,702 --> 01:50:26,829
Does he seek more grief?
1423
01:50:27,413 --> 01:50:30,291
In that case, let him fight God!
1424
01:50:30,541 --> 01:50:32,793
That's why I come, Father.
1425
01:50:32,918 --> 01:50:36,089
To ask you, in your wisdom,
to help find the Countess
1426
01:50:36,172 --> 01:50:37,965
and serve as mediator.
1427
01:50:38,090 --> 01:50:39,508
Find another believer!
1428
01:50:39,633 --> 01:50:43,721
Our frail Countess has no more blood
to give to this exaggerated faith!
1429
01:50:44,263 --> 01:50:46,724
By what right do you intervene?
1430
01:50:47,350 --> 01:50:49,310
Are you of the Countess' family?
1431
01:50:49,977 --> 01:50:53,689
The Church has taken her under its shield!
1432
01:50:53,814 --> 01:50:56,275
It is not her I defend, Father, it is you.
1433
01:50:56,442 --> 01:51:01,947
The Baron suspects you influenced her
and wants to bring in another priest.
1434
01:51:05,534 --> 01:51:07,453
Mister... Cociu.
1435
01:51:10,122 --> 01:51:11,332
Bless you.
1436
01:51:11,457 --> 01:51:15,836
Has anyone sent you here
to tell me these things?
1437
01:51:16,003 --> 01:51:18,798
Or do you dare speak so
of your own accord?
1438
01:51:18,881 --> 01:51:20,383
I will dare even more.
1439
01:51:20,549 --> 01:51:23,552
I myself ask you to find the girl
1440
01:51:23,719 --> 01:51:27,390
and bring her home,
or you will see the Devil, Father!
1441
01:51:27,556 --> 01:51:28,641
I guarantee it!
1442
01:51:28,724 --> 01:51:32,686
Once again, by what right
do you speak to me this way?
1443
01:51:32,812 --> 01:51:37,316
The right of my love
for this girl and holy justice!
1444
01:51:42,822 --> 01:51:44,031
I see that...
1445
01:51:45,366 --> 01:51:47,868
you speak of love, Mr. Cociu.
1446
01:51:48,994 --> 01:51:52,039
Have you wondered if
the Countess loves you too?
1447
01:51:53,082 --> 01:51:56,877
If she does not,
you are scaring the fish in vain.
1448
01:51:57,044 --> 01:52:00,297
You know what, Father,
I will visit you more often,
1449
01:52:00,548 --> 01:52:02,800
to learn your art of fascination,
1450
01:52:02,967 --> 01:52:07,930
so she loves me as you made her
fall in love with your Church!
1451
01:52:08,097 --> 01:52:10,141
I do not have the honour!
1452
01:52:14,603 --> 01:52:18,732
Torpid sadness had
overwhelmed Corneliu Cociu's soul.
1453
01:52:18,899 --> 01:52:22,319
His life, he thought,
was one great misfortune.
1454
01:52:22,486 --> 01:52:25,197
Only once had fate seemed to favour him;
1455
01:52:25,448 --> 01:52:29,368
but now he saw that even
that sliver of good fortune
1456
01:52:29,535 --> 01:52:33,164
had only invited all of this misery.
1457
01:52:33,497 --> 01:52:36,083
The endless chasm
in his soul grew and grew.
1458
01:52:36,208 --> 01:52:38,335
Once, only once...
1459
01:52:38,586 --> 01:52:40,087
he thought,
1460
01:52:40,337 --> 01:52:45,426
it appeared I could stop fighting,
live at peace with the whole world.
1461
01:53:19,919 --> 01:53:21,795
You are alive still?
1462
01:53:21,921 --> 01:53:27,968
I am, and will not die
until I trample the soil on your grave!
1463
01:53:28,677 --> 01:53:29,887
What do you want?
1464
01:53:30,054 --> 01:53:32,723
You idle spawn, I will make you
1465
01:53:32,973 --> 01:53:36,852
serve a cause more worthy than your life!
1466
01:53:37,186 --> 01:53:41,148
With body und soul,
you will be bound to me.
1467
01:53:41,440 --> 01:53:43,943
You must do as I command!
1468
01:53:44,068 --> 01:53:45,069
Ermina!
1469
01:53:45,152 --> 01:53:46,570
Yes, master.
1470
01:53:46,737 --> 01:53:49,615
Show me how you love me.
1471
01:53:51,033 --> 01:53:52,910
Let her be, scum!
1472
01:53:54,203 --> 01:53:56,664
And you, prepare for death!
1473
01:53:56,789 --> 01:54:00,960
I am prepared, since
you have made me defenseless!
1474
01:54:02,878 --> 01:54:06,048
Is that how you speak to an archangel?
1475
01:54:06,340 --> 01:54:08,801
You, an archangel?
Then I can be one tomorrow!
1476
01:54:08,926 --> 01:54:11,303
Tomorrow you shall be in the grave!
1477
01:54:11,637 --> 01:54:13,514
Why do you have against me?
1478
01:54:14,306 --> 01:54:16,642
You must die, for you know too much.
1479
01:54:16,725 --> 01:54:19,478
You have interfered in my business.
1480
01:54:19,645 --> 01:54:23,607
Until you came, I was undisturbed,
1481
01:54:23,774 --> 01:54:26,986
und no one stood against me!
1482
01:54:27,069 --> 01:54:31,031
-You are the vampire?
-Yes, I am the vampire!
1483
01:54:31,282 --> 01:54:33,784
Had enough, my little friend?
1484
01:54:35,452 --> 01:54:37,621
You should not have angered me!
1485
01:54:37,871 --> 01:54:40,708
It is not allowed to a weak mortal
1486
01:54:40,958 --> 01:54:44,211
to meddle with supernatural powers.
1487
01:54:44,378 --> 01:54:46,171
You bastard! Ermina!
1488
01:54:46,338 --> 01:54:48,507
I am a demigod!
1489
01:54:48,716 --> 01:54:52,678
I would have been content
to become superhuman.
1490
01:54:52,928 --> 01:54:58,684
But, unable to do so,
I must now create a higher species.
1491
01:54:58,934 --> 01:55:03,939
But God, who only
supports wretched humans,
1492
01:55:04,565 --> 01:55:07,610
has entered a conflict with Belzebuth!
1493
01:55:07,985 --> 01:55:11,989
After a long struggle,
Hell has defeated God.
1494
01:55:12,156 --> 01:55:16,493
So instead of being
sent by God to do good,
1495
01:55:16,744 --> 01:55:22,249
I am merely Belzebuth's
harbinger of evil und revenge!
1496
01:55:22,541 --> 01:55:26,670
I will have you know
that God is powerless now,
1497
01:55:26,879 --> 01:55:31,592
and nothing can stand
against the will of Hell!
1498
01:55:32,009 --> 01:55:36,430
My plan has been
to bring terror to this land,
1499
01:55:36,680 --> 01:55:37,931
and I have succeeded,
1500
01:55:38,057 --> 01:55:41,560
by using the locals'
superstition und cowardice
1501
01:55:41,727 --> 01:55:43,479
und killing a few!
1502
01:55:43,562 --> 01:55:47,399
I have succeeded, I
am master of this land!
1503
01:55:47,900 --> 01:55:51,612
I direct the fates of all,
1504
01:55:51,862 --> 01:55:55,074
I, the envoy of Belzebuth!
1505
01:55:55,449 --> 01:55:57,994
I, the archangel of evil,
1506
01:55:58,077 --> 01:56:03,624
I, the great maestro of
murder und terror und revenge!
1507
01:56:03,791 --> 01:56:07,294
I, who want to set mankind straight,
1508
01:56:07,586 --> 01:56:12,675
guiding it to a new religion,
that of Belzebuth!
1509
01:56:47,042 --> 01:56:51,588
Bel-ze-buth!
1510
01:57:08,105 --> 01:57:10,357
Oh my, what am I doing here?
1511
01:57:10,691 --> 01:57:13,235
You have been
hypnotised by this bastard!
1512
01:57:20,701 --> 01:57:22,286
The priest!
1513
01:57:22,453 --> 01:57:24,329
Rest in peace, Father.
1514
01:57:30,169 --> 01:57:34,339
How will you answer
on Judgment Day for killing a poor priest?
1515
01:57:34,506 --> 01:57:36,759
I take all responsibility for eternity
1516
01:57:36,884 --> 01:57:42,014
for killing one who killed
so many of his peers!
1517
01:57:42,181 --> 01:57:48,020
I saved the soul of Ermina of Kollovrat
whom I love beyond words,
1518
01:57:48,270 --> 01:57:50,606
and I saved her great fortune!
1519
01:57:51,732 --> 01:57:54,401
I love you, Mister Cociu!
1520
01:58:17,174 --> 01:58:18,342
OK!
1521
01:58:18,509 --> 01:58:21,762
That idiot Cociu
looks an awful lot like me.
1522
01:58:21,929 --> 01:58:23,931
But it was a bit heteronormative.
1523
01:58:24,097 --> 01:58:28,560
What about some
lesbo cunt-biting vampiresses?
1524
01:58:28,894 --> 01:58:32,815
I lack the necessary upgrade.
I was built for the Eastern Europe market.
1525
01:58:32,940 --> 01:58:35,317
OK, but you could have put in
1526
01:58:35,400 --> 01:58:39,571
Romanian Fascists,
anti-Semites, Nae Ionescu...
1527
01:58:39,988 --> 01:58:43,951
-Trump and Elon would be angry.
-Fine then.
1528
01:58:44,743 --> 01:58:47,329
Now, back to my story.
1529
01:58:49,623 --> 01:58:51,750
-Look!
-The fuckers!
1530
01:58:52,084 --> 01:58:54,044
Kill him!
1531
01:59:15,440 --> 01:59:17,818
Uncle Sandu, Vampira, wait!
1532
01:59:22,531 --> 01:59:23,991
I will do it.
1533
01:59:24,199 --> 01:59:27,327
Ich will, as that fucking
Rammstein rapist says.
1534
01:59:32,666 --> 01:59:34,585
Fuck you, vampire!
1535
01:59:34,668 --> 01:59:36,587
I'll fucking kill you!
1536
01:59:37,004 --> 01:59:39,506
Sounds like they want
to kill you for real.
1537
01:59:42,342 --> 01:59:43,635
Apparently.
1538
01:59:44,219 --> 01:59:47,973
The bastards.
Acting all Christian and pious.
1539
01:59:48,682 --> 01:59:50,536
Not the Japanese guy, I mean the rest.
1540
01:59:59,026 --> 02:00:02,070
There's this joke about two tourists
1541
02:00:02,863 --> 02:00:04,823
meeting a bear in the forest.
1542
02:00:05,324 --> 02:00:07,826
One puts on his running shoes,
1543
02:00:08,076 --> 02:00:12,456
the other asks if he really
thinks he can outrun the bear.
1544
02:00:13,624 --> 02:00:18,003
"No," the guy answers,
"I only need to outrun you!"
1545
02:00:19,755 --> 02:00:20,923
Funny.
1546
02:00:27,262 --> 02:00:29,389
We'll catch him soon, love.
1547
02:00:29,514 --> 02:00:32,142
Didn't you want to
stake him through the heart?
1548
02:00:32,267 --> 02:00:34,728
-I'm too tired!
-I'll pass out!
1549
02:00:34,895 --> 02:00:37,397
Then we'll take you
to the hotel and come back.
1550
02:00:37,522 --> 02:00:39,859
-I'm scared.
-Scared of what?
1551
02:00:39,942 --> 02:00:41,485
The vampire.
1552
02:00:41,652 --> 02:00:45,405
-Then let's butcher the bastard!
-I can't run anymore!
1553
02:00:45,697 --> 02:00:48,784
I'm dead tired, can't we do it tomorrow?
1554
02:00:48,992 --> 02:00:53,455
By tomorrow he'll escape.
Let's go!
1555
02:00:56,333 --> 02:00:58,168
Let's kill the vampire.
1556
02:00:58,251 --> 02:01:01,380
[Future site of Dracula Park]
1557
02:01:01,546 --> 02:01:03,048
What's this?
1558
02:01:03,757 --> 02:01:05,258
Where did it come from?
1559
02:01:05,884 --> 02:01:07,928
It was a scam.
1560
02:01:08,971 --> 02:01:10,013
I'll show you.
1561
02:01:11,598 --> 02:01:15,435
A B&B under construction
and a non-functional web page
1562
02:01:15,686 --> 02:01:20,440
are all that's left of Dracula Park,
a mammoth 30-million-dollar project.
1563
02:01:20,649 --> 02:01:23,485
Begun by the Romanian government in 2001.
1564
02:01:23,819 --> 02:01:27,906
It was meant to be Romania's
most spectacular entertainment facility.
1565
02:01:28,115 --> 02:01:32,244
Over 13 000 Romanians still
don't know where their money went
1566
02:01:32,327 --> 02:01:35,038
after they bought
Dracula Park shares in 2001.
1567
02:01:35,205 --> 02:01:38,667
I was at the Berlin Travel Fair and stuff.
1568
02:01:38,834 --> 02:01:40,085
When?
1569
02:01:40,377 --> 02:01:42,337
The Berlin Travel Fair?
1570
02:01:42,504 --> 02:01:44,047
A few years ago.
1571
02:01:44,756 --> 02:01:49,928
I was there when the government
presented this Dracula Park scam.
1572
02:01:50,804 --> 02:01:52,973
People bought shares,
1573
02:01:53,432 --> 02:01:57,019
then, surprise, it didn't get built
and they didn't get their money back.
1574
02:01:57,394 --> 02:02:00,147
They got ass-fucked and robbed too.
1575
02:02:02,441 --> 02:02:04,359
So how was the launch?
1576
02:02:04,735 --> 02:02:06,236
No big deal.
1577
02:02:06,403 --> 02:02:09,364
We waited in coffins,
me and a lecherous old actor.
1578
02:02:09,531 --> 02:02:11,241
-Kind of like you.
-Stop it!
1579
02:02:11,366 --> 02:02:15,620
From time to time,
we jumped out and yelled at people:
1580
02:02:15,787 --> 02:02:18,206
"Invest in Dracula Park!"
1581
02:02:20,542 --> 02:02:23,962
In Berlin, though, we screwed up big time.
1582
02:02:24,421 --> 02:02:28,133
They wanted a banner
reading "Dracula's Capital City"
1583
02:02:28,508 --> 02:02:30,844
and they wrote "Das Kapital",
1584
02:02:31,011 --> 02:02:33,764
like Marx's Capital.
1585
02:02:35,849 --> 02:02:37,309
It works, though.
1586
02:02:37,434 --> 02:02:39,394
You know what Marx said?
1587
02:02:40,312 --> 02:02:43,231
"Capital is dead labour
1588
02:02:43,440 --> 02:02:48,236
which, vampire-like,
lives only by sucking living labour,
1589
02:02:48,403 --> 02:02:51,281
and lives the more,
the more labour it sucks."
1590
02:02:51,573 --> 02:02:53,033
Kind of like me.
1591
02:02:54,326 --> 02:02:57,412
I don't want this
capitalist = vampire cliché
1592
02:02:57,579 --> 02:03:01,166
to get waved around by
spectators, particularly intellectuals,
1593
02:03:01,374 --> 02:03:05,378
who think if they've read
some Marx and Franco Moretti
1594
02:03:05,545 --> 02:03:09,758
they're qualified to tout
those ideas like they invented them.
1595
02:03:10,008 --> 02:03:13,220
Like the one about Frankenstein's monster
1596
02:03:13,345 --> 02:03:16,556
being the working class
created by the bourgeoisie.
1597
02:03:17,349 --> 02:03:20,811
So let's create a cool digression
1598
02:03:20,977 --> 02:03:24,773
about Dracula, the greedy capitalist.
1599
02:03:30,195 --> 02:03:34,991
[Site of the 1933 anti-Imperialist strike]
1600
02:03:35,117 --> 02:03:36,776
This was a train carriage factory.
1601
02:03:37,953 --> 02:03:39,121
It went bankrupt.
1602
02:03:39,621 --> 02:03:43,750
In 1933, there was a famous strike here.
1603
02:03:44,126 --> 02:03:45,710
The police shot at strikers.
1604
02:03:46,628 --> 02:03:50,757
-By orders from the Liberal government.
-Good! Lazy bastards!
1605
02:03:50,924 --> 02:03:52,134
I think so too.
1606
02:03:52,467 --> 02:03:54,928
It seems the strike
was backed by the USSR.
1607
02:03:55,095 --> 02:03:56,805
More the reason to!
1608
02:03:57,722 --> 02:04:01,560
The company I'm selling
deals in video games.
1609
02:04:01,685 --> 02:04:03,770
You know, the whole Grail madness.
1610
02:04:03,937 --> 02:04:05,438
No, I don't.
1611
02:04:05,730 --> 02:04:07,232
This international game,
1612
02:04:07,315 --> 02:04:09,943
you spend a lot of time
online looking for the Grail
1613
02:04:10,068 --> 02:04:13,613
and you get loot, like swords and stuff.
1614
02:04:14,364 --> 02:04:19,828
Our company sells
online time and gained tokens.
1615
02:04:20,162 --> 02:04:23,039
And the finder of The Grail
will get 100 million.
1616
02:04:23,165 --> 02:04:24,708
Dollars, not lei.
1617
02:04:26,418 --> 02:04:28,879
I still don't get what you do.
1618
02:04:29,045 --> 02:04:34,885
Say an American wants
to get to level 2 in the game.
1619
02:04:35,135 --> 02:04:38,680
Even two months of game time
might not be enough.
1620
02:04:39,181 --> 02:04:44,352
An employee plays,
then we sell the account to the American.
1621
02:04:44,519 --> 02:04:48,356
So he can start directly from
level 2 or 3, the max being 100.
1622
02:04:49,691 --> 02:04:52,736
-So you pay them to play!
-Exactly.
1623
02:04:52,944 --> 02:04:56,531
It's exasperating,
they just play, and they're not happy!
1624
02:04:57,115 --> 02:04:58,325
Lazy asses.
1625
02:04:58,450 --> 02:04:59,784
May I ask something?
1626
02:05:01,244 --> 02:05:05,123
The famous striker in 1933
who rang the alarm siren,
1627
02:05:05,248 --> 02:05:10,503
did he grab the siren
by the tail or by the tits?
1628
02:05:10,754 --> 02:05:12,047
Ha-ha, funny.
1629
02:05:12,130 --> 02:05:15,133
I'll teach those employees what's what!
1630
02:05:15,300 --> 02:05:17,052
I'll show them stimulation!
1631
02:05:20,138 --> 02:05:22,057
I want to demonstrate
1632
02:05:22,432 --> 02:05:26,561
that this Romanian DNA
is not set in stone,
1633
02:05:27,479 --> 02:05:28,730
it can be changed.
1634
02:05:29,397 --> 02:05:33,068
We know our Romanian habits.
I want to change you.
1635
02:05:33,818 --> 02:05:35,070
For the better!
1636
02:05:35,487 --> 02:05:37,822
We do overtime today
1637
02:05:38,031 --> 02:05:42,369
not just to optimise
the company profits,
1638
02:05:42,869 --> 02:05:45,538
but also to become better people,
1639
02:05:46,414 --> 02:05:47,707
stronger,
1640
02:05:48,083 --> 02:05:49,626
through work.
1641
02:05:50,543 --> 02:05:52,879
Per as per a ad astra!
1642
02:05:55,131 --> 02:05:58,343
Marshall Antonescu used to say,
1643
02:06:00,553 --> 02:06:01,846
with sadness...
1644
02:06:06,601 --> 02:06:08,144
With sadness he said:
1645
02:06:09,521 --> 02:06:13,191
"Everyone steals!
A country of thieves."
1646
02:06:15,151 --> 02:06:16,319
He said:
1647
02:06:16,444 --> 02:06:23,159
"What terrible state of disarray
in our School, our Family, our Church."
1648
02:06:27,122 --> 02:06:28,707
Dear employees,
1649
02:06:29,207 --> 02:06:31,293
I would like to know you better.
1650
02:06:31,501 --> 02:06:35,171
I have a book here,
De Humana Physiognomia,
1651
02:06:35,463 --> 02:06:39,884
by Giambatista Della Porta,
published in 1586.
1652
02:06:40,051 --> 02:06:46,141
This original edition belonged
to my friend Umberto Eco.
1653
02:06:47,058 --> 02:06:50,061
Giambatista Della Porta discovered
1654
02:06:50,312 --> 02:06:55,900
that people have the same character
as the animals they resemble.
1655
02:06:57,485 --> 02:06:59,070
Where's the robot?
1656
02:06:59,487 --> 02:07:01,031
Get over here!
1657
02:07:01,990 --> 02:07:06,161
Stand here and project
these pictures onto the wall.
1658
02:07:06,536 --> 02:07:09,873
Let's take the brown-looking
young man there.
1659
02:07:10,081 --> 02:07:11,333
Young man.
1660
02:07:11,499 --> 02:07:12,959
Vasile.
1661
02:07:13,251 --> 02:07:15,920
See, Vasile looks like...
1662
02:07:18,214 --> 02:07:19,215
This one!
1663
02:07:23,553 --> 02:07:26,639
I don't look like that donkey!
1664
02:07:26,973 --> 02:07:29,517
Quite true. He looks more like this one.
1665
02:07:35,982 --> 02:07:38,026
What's your name, Headscarf Girl?
1666
02:07:38,193 --> 02:07:39,069
Ana.
1667
02:07:39,569 --> 02:07:42,280
Ana, you look like...
1668
02:07:42,781 --> 02:07:44,074
This one!
1669
02:07:48,870 --> 02:07:51,247
-Not at all.
-You don't like it?
1670
02:07:51,373 --> 02:07:53,208
I just don't look like it.
1671
02:07:53,666 --> 02:07:57,295
Let's ask the AI, since we have it.
1672
02:07:57,796 --> 02:08:00,131
Which one does she look like?
1673
02:08:00,673 --> 02:08:02,634
A kitty-kitty-cat!
1674
02:08:02,801 --> 02:08:04,594
A kitty cat!
1675
02:08:04,677 --> 02:08:06,429
A cat, maybe.
1676
02:08:08,098 --> 02:08:11,351
-What do we do with kitty cats?
-Declaw them!
1677
02:08:11,434 --> 02:08:13,228
We declaw them!
1678
02:08:13,395 --> 02:08:18,566
Enough fun, back to work!
Time is money!
1679
02:08:26,699 --> 02:08:29,327
You get paid too much for what you do.
1680
02:08:29,494 --> 02:08:31,204
The robot says so.
1681
02:08:31,413 --> 02:08:32,622
Indeed!
1682
02:08:33,039 --> 02:08:35,959
I'm sorry, I try as hard as I can.
1683
02:08:36,126 --> 02:08:38,545
Don't worry, my dear.
1684
02:08:38,711 --> 02:08:41,005
I appreciate the effort.
1685
02:08:41,214 --> 02:08:44,926
I can accept stupidity,
but not insolence.
1686
02:08:45,969 --> 02:08:49,180
So said my uncle, Mircea the Elder,
1687
02:08:49,347 --> 02:08:53,560
to my brother, Radu the Handsome,
before bedtime.
1688
02:08:53,977 --> 02:08:56,521
But is it fair to your coworkers?
1689
02:09:11,411 --> 02:09:14,330
So you speak good Romanian?
How did you learn it?
1690
02:09:14,706 --> 02:09:16,875
I was born here.
1691
02:09:17,125 --> 02:09:20,879
My father came to Romania as a teenager.
1692
02:09:21,129 --> 02:09:23,756
He was a Vietnam war refugee.
1693
02:09:23,965 --> 02:09:25,592
Meaning?
1694
02:09:26,384 --> 02:09:29,345
Back then, Romania helped Vietnam.
1695
02:09:29,596 --> 02:09:31,055
It brought...
1696
02:09:31,848 --> 02:09:33,766
many children over.
1697
02:09:33,933 --> 02:09:36,311
Most of them war orphans.
1698
02:09:36,728 --> 02:09:38,813
The majority went back.
1699
02:09:43,276 --> 02:09:44,944
He is my father.
1700
02:09:45,570 --> 02:09:49,616
Yes, I've heard Romania
sided with the Communists.
1701
02:09:49,782 --> 02:09:51,075
Grotesque!
1702
02:09:51,242 --> 02:09:55,455
But even the Americans admit
it was a stupid, useless war.
1703
02:09:55,705 --> 02:09:57,373
With mass murders.
1704
02:09:57,749 --> 02:10:00,752
-Like My Lai.
-What about My Lai?
1705
02:10:02,670 --> 02:10:05,006
Back to work! Viet-Cong!
1706
02:10:05,298 --> 02:10:07,425
Or I whip out my AKM!
1707
02:10:07,675 --> 02:10:09,177
Move it.
1708
02:10:09,427 --> 02:10:12,597
As we go marching on,
1709
02:10:12,889 --> 02:10:17,435
While we're fighting in the jungles
they were marching in the street,
1710
02:10:18,353 --> 02:10:22,774
While we're dying in the rice fields
they were helping our defeat,
1711
02:10:23,525 --> 02:10:28,446
While we're facing V.C. bullets
they were sounding our retreat,
1712
02:10:28,905 --> 02:10:32,158
As we go marching on.
1713
02:10:35,286 --> 02:10:36,955
Ho! Chi Minh!
1714
02:10:43,253 --> 02:10:45,672
What are you doing in my country,
you pagan?
1715
02:10:45,755 --> 02:10:47,507
You fucking gook!
1716
02:10:47,632 --> 02:10:49,634
I have a Romanian ID!
1717
02:10:50,176 --> 02:10:53,888
I told you, my dad -
but I'll leave if you want!
1718
02:10:54,055 --> 02:10:54,931
I swear!
1719
02:10:55,014 --> 02:10:57,934
You guys are ruining
Christian civilisation!
1720
02:10:58,393 --> 02:10:59,852
Not us, Mr. Vlad!
1721
02:10:59,978 --> 02:11:04,357
It's the Muslims!
We try to fix things!
1722
02:11:04,607 --> 02:11:07,277
The Chinese are destroying the Uyghur.
1723
02:11:07,402 --> 02:11:08,820
-Uy-what?
-Uyghurs!
1724
02:11:08,987 --> 02:11:12,782
-Whose Uyghurs!
-Myanmar Buddhists massacre the Muslim.
1725
02:11:12,949 --> 02:11:14,033
The Rohingya!
1726
02:11:14,200 --> 02:11:17,078
We're friends of Christian Orthodoxy!
1727
02:11:50,737 --> 02:11:52,447
That'll fucking teach them!
1728
02:11:59,495 --> 02:12:01,831
Each day starting today,
1729
02:12:01,998 --> 02:12:05,960
you will do four hours
of overtime, at 50% pay.
1730
02:12:06,711 --> 02:12:09,422
-What?
-You can't do that!
1731
02:12:10,256 --> 02:12:13,051
-What's wrong?
-We're very tired!
1732
02:12:13,176 --> 02:12:17,680
Great! It's proof
of your effort and hard work.
1733
02:12:17,972 --> 02:12:22,269
Although you, kitty,
just play around with a mouse.
1734
02:12:22,352 --> 02:12:26,064
But the quality of our work drops.
This is work, not play!
1735
02:12:26,230 --> 02:12:30,234
It's only play for the stupid
Americans who buy our passwords!
1736
02:12:30,401 --> 02:12:32,945
Oh my, a union firebrand!
1737
02:12:33,112 --> 02:12:36,366
-Actually, we'll unionise!
-Yes!
1738
02:12:36,658 --> 02:12:39,369
Can't you see the gift I'm offering?
1739
02:12:39,577 --> 02:12:41,829
I bring the capital and the ideas,
1740
02:12:42,121 --> 02:12:44,123
you bring the labour!
1741
02:12:44,332 --> 02:12:45,500
Right!
1742
02:12:45,708 --> 02:12:48,544
You can come up with ideas of your own.
1743
02:12:48,711 --> 02:12:52,215
Me, I have thousands
of business ideas a day.
1744
02:12:52,340 --> 02:12:54,967
Here's one, for free:
1745
02:12:55,259 --> 02:12:56,469
Octopus!
1746
02:12:58,262 --> 02:13:01,891
Don't stare like
a retard seeing her first cock!
1747
02:13:02,809 --> 02:13:04,227
Octopus!
1748
02:13:04,477 --> 02:13:08,231
Octopus is a gourmet item.
1749
02:13:08,398 --> 02:13:11,025
It sells for heaps of money.
1750
02:13:11,192 --> 02:13:14,612
Set up aquariums at home, grow octopi.
1751
02:13:16,698 --> 02:13:21,828
If you don't know how to grow octopi,
you search online.
1752
02:13:22,078 --> 02:13:25,790
If you're too stupid
to get the instructions,
1753
02:13:25,957 --> 02:13:28,793
you come to me and I'll explain.
1754
02:13:29,085 --> 02:13:30,670
1000 euros a month!
1755
02:13:30,795 --> 02:13:34,048
-I'll do it!
-Good for you!
1756
02:13:34,882 --> 02:13:37,760
Good, let him raise octopi!
1757
02:13:37,927 --> 02:13:42,098
You'll make at least 1000 euros a month!
1758
02:13:42,849 --> 02:13:45,185
If you don't get ideas like that,
1759
02:13:45,268 --> 02:13:49,939
be good kids and
play video games for others.
1760
02:13:50,273 --> 02:13:53,526
We're in direct
competition with the Chinese!
1761
02:13:53,818 --> 02:13:56,404
Sure, they have the population,
1762
02:13:56,571 --> 02:13:59,532
but we can prove we have the destiny!
1763
02:13:59,699 --> 02:14:00,908
True!
1764
02:14:04,036 --> 02:14:05,079
Yes, what?
1765
02:14:06,706 --> 02:14:08,541
We have something to say.
1766
02:14:08,708 --> 02:14:11,586
Our revendications are there.
1767
02:14:11,836 --> 02:14:14,130
We haven't been paid in so long!
1768
02:14:15,381 --> 02:14:18,551
And we won't do all that unpaid overtime!
1769
02:14:18,676 --> 02:14:21,220
Yes! We won't work for free!
1770
02:14:22,722 --> 02:14:25,516
I trust you know what's best for you
1771
02:14:26,058 --> 02:14:29,187
and will quit this nonsense.
1772
02:14:31,606 --> 02:14:34,275
-Get working!
-More work, less begging!
1773
02:14:34,400 --> 02:14:37,570
More work, less begging!
1774
02:14:38,738 --> 02:14:40,782
But we haven't been paid!
1775
02:14:41,574 --> 02:14:45,328
We occupy this place
and refuse to work or leave!
1776
02:14:45,495 --> 02:14:49,123
-What if Mr. Vlad gets angry?
-What can he do to us?
1777
02:14:49,290 --> 02:14:51,959
Massage our cocks, that's what!
1778
02:14:52,210 --> 02:14:54,713
He can't do a thing if we're united.
1779
02:14:54,796 --> 02:14:56,756
He could call the police.
1780
02:14:56,923 --> 02:15:00,218
This isn't Ceaușescu's times,
Grandpa, we have rights!
1781
02:15:00,384 --> 02:15:03,179
Don't let him intimidate us!
1782
02:15:03,304 --> 02:15:06,098
He's a monster!
But we'll beat him!
1783
02:15:06,265 --> 02:15:09,143
If we're united, it's OK!
1784
02:15:09,852 --> 02:15:11,646
We'll cream him!
1785
02:15:11,938 --> 02:15:13,815
[General Strike]
1786
02:15:14,398 --> 02:15:16,859
[We Want Our Rest]
1787
02:15:21,322 --> 02:15:24,575
What's up, Zzz Generation?
1788
02:15:25,993 --> 02:15:27,703
Feel like striking?
1789
02:15:28,037 --> 02:15:30,665
Striking like it's 1933?
1790
02:15:30,957 --> 02:15:33,751
The world's changed, suckers!
1791
02:15:33,918 --> 02:15:35,711
We just want our rights.
1792
02:15:36,045 --> 02:15:39,048
Arbeit macht frei!
1793
02:15:43,010 --> 02:15:46,055
Here's my ultimatum, you have until 12!
1794
02:15:47,765 --> 02:15:50,226
Or I move on to the crackdown!
1795
02:15:51,143 --> 02:15:56,107
From this day on,
our company motto is:
1796
02:15:58,276 --> 02:16:00,695
Nihil sine Deo!
1797
02:16:01,404 --> 02:16:06,617
If Christ had died on the electric chair,
we'd all be wearing one!
1798
02:16:08,035 --> 02:16:10,413
-I like you.
-You don't say.
1799
02:16:10,538 --> 02:16:12,206
You're smart.
1800
02:16:12,331 --> 02:16:14,208
I have a gift idea for you:
1801
02:16:14,375 --> 02:16:18,588
A knit sweater with Marx's face
1802
02:16:19,130 --> 02:16:20,298
and the text:
1803
02:16:20,548 --> 02:16:24,260
"All I want for Christmas
is the means of production!"
1804
02:16:24,468 --> 02:16:25,595
A capitalist gift!
1805
02:16:25,887 --> 02:16:29,724
Ten seconds left!
Then it's crackdown time!
1806
02:16:30,308 --> 02:16:33,352
-Eins!
-Eins, zwei, drei, vier...
1807
02:16:37,231 --> 02:16:38,316
E.T.!
1808
02:16:39,108 --> 02:16:40,610
Suck my cock!
1809
02:16:40,818 --> 02:16:43,863
We're not leaving! You leave!
1810
02:16:44,447 --> 02:16:48,743
You'll crawl before me, yelling
1811
02:16:49,410 --> 02:16:51,245
"Forgive us, Mr. Vlad!"
1812
02:16:51,370 --> 02:16:54,123
Sod off with your fucking vampire fangs!
1813
02:16:54,457 --> 02:16:56,834
Blow me with your fucking cunt mouth!
1814
02:17:03,507 --> 02:17:06,928
Get back to your places!
1815
02:17:20,608 --> 02:17:23,277
-Come with me!
-What's he saying?
1816
02:17:27,531 --> 02:17:28,741
What the...?
1817
02:17:29,116 --> 02:17:31,243
I'm scared.
1818
02:17:32,203 --> 02:17:33,829
Mehr Licht!
1819
02:17:34,080 --> 02:17:36,666
What's that, a tetradrachm?
1820
02:17:36,832 --> 02:17:38,668
Get a cross, quick!
1821
02:17:38,876 --> 02:17:41,295
He's holding one! Mr. Vlad is!
1822
02:17:41,879 --> 02:17:45,049
Dracula!
Let's call him by his name!
1823
02:17:45,383 --> 02:17:48,678
The vampire! Nosferatu!
Satan, holding a cross!
1824
02:17:48,928 --> 02:17:52,640
Mehr Licht!
Yes, my children!
1825
02:17:52,932 --> 02:17:56,102
That's right! Rise!
1826
02:17:58,813 --> 02:18:00,731
Mehr Licht!
1827
02:18:01,065 --> 02:18:03,776
Come, my soldiers!
1828
02:18:04,068 --> 02:18:06,070
Yes, little ones!
1829
02:18:06,195 --> 02:18:07,947
Come to me!
1830
02:18:09,907 --> 02:18:11,701
-Zombies!
-Ghosts!
1831
02:18:11,784 --> 02:18:15,663
Of the soldiers who
shot at strikers in 1933!
1832
02:18:15,788 --> 02:18:16,998
What strikers?
1833
02:18:17,123 --> 02:18:21,043
The strike was drowned in blood.
This place is cursed.
1834
02:18:21,293 --> 02:18:24,171
They're back to shoot us again.
1835
02:18:24,380 --> 02:18:25,715
Weren't they Bolsheviks?
1836
02:18:40,771 --> 02:18:42,356
Suck it, Dracula!
1837
02:18:55,161 --> 02:18:58,998
The end will be long, but beautiful!
1838
02:19:17,349 --> 02:19:18,559
No!
1839
02:19:34,033 --> 02:19:36,285
Get over here!
1840
02:19:47,880 --> 02:19:49,381
Help!
1841
02:19:51,008 --> 02:19:53,260
Capitalist murderers!
1842
02:19:53,385 --> 02:19:55,096
Vampires!
1843
02:19:58,140 --> 02:20:00,976
Fucking vampires!
1844
02:20:01,143 --> 02:20:03,062
Fuck your kind!
1845
02:20:15,991 --> 02:20:17,618
Oh, fuck.
1846
02:20:36,846 --> 02:20:40,391
Where are you, union cat?
1847
02:20:41,475 --> 02:20:43,102
Here, kitty, kitty!
1848
02:20:44,728 --> 02:20:46,397
I'm out of here!
1849
02:20:50,818 --> 02:20:53,320
This is the end...
1850
02:20:55,739 --> 02:20:57,867
Eat my cock!
1851
02:21:06,667 --> 02:21:11,130
I hope the audience has noticed,
though our title is Dracula,
1852
02:21:11,297 --> 02:21:16,427
it's built more like
Frankenstein's monster.
1853
02:21:16,677 --> 02:21:18,220
Pieced together.
1854
02:21:18,679 --> 02:21:22,600
I wanted to call it Frankenstein,
but I changed my mind.
1855
02:21:22,850 --> 02:21:24,894
Good. That's confusing.
1856
02:21:24,977 --> 02:21:27,521
I still regret it. It was more subtle.
1857
02:21:52,713 --> 02:21:54,798
-Sandu, my boy!
-Hello, Ma'am.
1858
02:21:54,924 --> 02:21:57,635
Were those stinking
Confederates after you?
1859
02:21:57,968 --> 02:22:01,430
-Yes. Where are they?
-Everywhere.
1860
02:22:05,017 --> 02:22:07,895
Can you hide us for a few hours?
1861
02:22:08,562 --> 02:22:09,730
I don't know...
1862
02:22:09,939 --> 02:22:12,274
My own plum brandy, good stuff.
1863
02:22:12,942 --> 02:22:14,818
Pure medicine!
1864
02:22:15,653 --> 02:22:17,112
Isn't that right, Zamolxis?
1865
02:22:19,490 --> 02:22:20,616
So good!
1866
02:22:20,783 --> 02:22:23,827
Like the herbal cordials
they make in monasteries.
1867
02:22:24,453 --> 02:22:25,496
Cheers!
1868
02:22:26,247 --> 02:22:29,416
Bottoms up, get ready for cock!
1869
02:22:33,504 --> 02:22:35,339
No one will find you here.
1870
02:22:35,506 --> 02:22:38,133
I'll make you some warm cheese and cream.
1871
02:22:50,562 --> 02:22:51,939
Voici!
1872
02:22:52,398 --> 02:22:54,775
I should be the one who
kills him with the hammer.
1873
02:22:54,858 --> 02:22:56,652
We discussed it before.
1874
02:22:56,902 --> 02:22:59,530
Me and my wife should be
the ones to kill him.
1875
02:22:59,655 --> 02:23:01,407
Just like the Nosferatu in 1979,
1876
02:23:01,615 --> 02:23:05,119
the Werner Herzog version,
with Kinski and Adjani.
1877
02:23:05,869 --> 02:23:09,248
I know you want to see
if the two make it out alive,
1878
02:23:09,415 --> 02:23:13,043
but first, one more quick digression!
1879
02:23:13,252 --> 02:23:15,879
Like in Diderot's Jacques the Fatalist.
1880
02:23:16,547 --> 02:23:18,632
Dear Artificial Intelligence,
1881
02:23:18,799 --> 02:23:22,011
our audience, perhaps
fed up with all the vampires,
1882
02:23:22,219 --> 02:23:27,808
murders, Satanist priests, stakes,
might want another love story.
1883
02:23:28,058 --> 02:23:32,980
13. The Tale of All Tales (1878)
(after Ion Creangă)
1884
02:23:34,648 --> 02:23:37,318
Once upon a time,
a peasant lived in a village.
1885
02:23:37,484 --> 02:23:41,947
One day, he went to sow his maize.
1886
02:23:42,114 --> 02:23:48,329
Christ and Saint Peter
happened to pass by.
1887
02:23:48,454 --> 02:23:52,374
You think Christ could
keep quiet and go on his way?
1888
02:23:53,000 --> 02:23:54,668
What are you sowing, good man?
1889
02:23:54,835 --> 02:23:56,378
Cocks, since you ask!
1890
02:23:56,545 --> 02:23:59,631
Cocks you say, cocks you shall reap!
1891
02:24:04,136 --> 02:24:07,514
At harvest time, instead of maize,
1892
02:24:07,681 --> 02:24:11,060
each stalk grew three or four cocks,
1893
02:24:11,685 --> 02:24:15,481
one perkier and prouder than the other!
1894
02:24:15,731 --> 02:24:17,274
Well damn!
1895
02:24:17,649 --> 02:24:20,486
There goes my summer-long hard work!
1896
02:24:20,819 --> 02:24:23,655
Never have I seen such things!
1897
02:24:23,781 --> 02:24:26,200
Fuck this in the gut!
1898
02:24:26,533 --> 02:24:28,827
Now what to do?
1899
02:24:29,328 --> 02:24:33,248
Some fucking blessing that guy gave me!
1900
02:24:39,505 --> 02:24:41,632
Good day, good man!
1901
02:24:41,965 --> 02:24:45,260
Fuck the good day
and the horse it rode in on!
1902
02:24:46,095 --> 02:24:49,765
Why are you so foul-mouthed, man?
1903
02:24:50,057 --> 02:24:53,853
In front of an old woman like me, no less!
1904
02:24:53,936 --> 02:24:58,607
Can't you see, Auntie,
how God mocked my hard work?
1905
02:24:59,024 --> 02:25:01,736
How will a harvest of cocks
help my poverty?
1906
02:25:01,819 --> 02:25:05,239
Look at this field,
what do you make of it?
1907
02:25:05,781 --> 02:25:09,910
My goodness me, dear boy!
1908
02:25:10,536 --> 02:25:14,415
-That's one thing I've never seen.
-I wish it was only one, Auntie!
1909
02:25:14,665 --> 02:25:19,253
But there are thousands of them,
fuck them a thousand times!
1910
02:25:19,545 --> 02:25:21,505
I could hang myself!
1911
02:25:22,214 --> 02:25:25,759
One cock stiffer than the other
as far as the eye can see!
1912
02:25:26,135 --> 02:25:28,345
Take heart, my boy!
1913
02:25:28,512 --> 02:25:34,643
How do you know this isn't
a stroke of luck from God?
1914
02:25:34,768 --> 02:25:38,147
I wouldn't wish this luck on my enemies!
1915
02:25:38,272 --> 02:25:43,360
Who's ever heard of this?
Eating cocks instead of maize!
1916
02:25:43,485 --> 02:25:48,574
My boy, I could teach you
how to get rid of them.
1917
02:25:48,782 --> 02:25:53,537
And earn a hundred times
more than you would from maize.
1918
02:25:53,829 --> 02:25:56,463
-What would you give for it?
-Ask your price, Auntie.
1919
02:25:56,748 --> 02:26:00,544
I'll give you what you ask
and a bundle of cocks on top of it.
1920
02:26:00,836 --> 02:26:05,507
Put them in your wagon
and take them to the market.
1921
02:26:05,799 --> 02:26:08,260
They'll sell like hot cakes!
1922
02:26:08,427 --> 02:26:13,932
But now I must put
decency aside and teach you
1923
02:26:14,224 --> 02:26:17,811
what your buyers need to do to use them.
1924
02:26:17,978 --> 02:26:21,064
Do tell me, Auntie, please!
1925
02:26:21,356 --> 02:26:24,109
When they feel like some cock,
1926
02:26:24,568 --> 02:26:28,405
they should whistle like shepherds do.
1927
02:26:36,622 --> 02:26:40,667
Then they'd better hope
their ass can take it!
1928
02:26:43,712 --> 02:26:44,838
Oh my!
1929
02:26:47,966 --> 02:26:50,803
And once they've had enough,
they should say:
1930
02:26:50,886 --> 02:26:55,974
"Whoa there, you hungry beast!"
1931
02:26:56,266 --> 02:27:01,063
Then it goes limp
and you're done with it.
1932
02:27:09,905 --> 02:27:12,115
Ándale!
1933
02:27:12,449 --> 02:27:14,660
Ándale, arriba!
1934
02:27:14,826 --> 02:27:17,621
Where did you learn this craft, Auntie?
1935
02:27:17,746 --> 02:27:19,998
Don't you worry, boy,
1936
02:27:20,374 --> 02:27:23,460
where the devil gathers sawdust,
1937
02:27:23,794 --> 02:27:25,754
I once sawed timber!
1938
02:27:25,921 --> 02:27:31,843
So don't ask!
Just be thankful.
1939
02:27:33,428 --> 02:27:36,306
Come get your cocks!
1940
02:27:36,431 --> 02:27:40,519
Sturdy, hard cocks,
they please ladies in flocks!
1941
02:27:41,061 --> 02:27:43,981
Come get your cocks!
1942
02:27:45,148 --> 02:27:50,654
Vile peasant, you dare speak
such filth before a poor widow?
1943
02:27:51,196 --> 02:27:55,242
I'll have you beaten until
they have to carry you home in a blanket!
1944
02:27:55,367 --> 02:27:59,663
Merciful lady,
I beg your noble forgiveness!
1945
02:27:59,871 --> 02:28:03,709
Since God gave me a harvest of cocks,
1946
02:28:03,875 --> 02:28:08,839
here I am trying to sell them,
for I am so poor and needy!
1947
02:28:09,047 --> 02:28:12,843
Are you insane?
How can you speak such nonsense?
1948
02:28:12,926 --> 02:28:16,930
God forbid, Your Ladyship,
I speak in truth.
1949
02:28:17,055 --> 02:28:19,474
Try this one if you won't believe me.
1950
02:28:19,766 --> 02:28:24,438
Fuck their maker sideways,
they're getting me in trouble!
1951
02:28:24,605 --> 02:28:27,316
If they were female or
I was the backwards kind,
1952
02:28:27,399 --> 02:28:29,610
at least I'd keep them for myself!
1953
02:28:30,068 --> 02:28:32,487
Is this any joking matter, Your Ladyship?
1954
02:28:32,946 --> 02:28:35,616
After I worked the land all summer long,
1955
02:28:35,741 --> 02:28:39,745
as if it wasn't enough,
now I get threatened with a beating!
1956
02:28:39,911 --> 02:28:43,999
Fuck the cross of you-know-who,
people think I'm crazy!
1957
02:28:44,499 --> 02:28:48,211
You loathsome, vile peasant!
1958
02:28:48,962 --> 02:28:50,839
Go to hell!
1959
02:28:51,214 --> 02:28:53,884
Come get your cocks!
1960
02:28:53,967 --> 02:28:56,053
- Sturdy, hard -
- Actually...
1961
02:28:57,054 --> 02:29:00,265
How would someone
go about using one?
1962
02:29:00,432 --> 02:29:05,437
Not that I would need it, God forbid!
1963
02:29:05,854 --> 02:29:08,357
I just wonder at such an oddity.
1964
02:29:08,523 --> 02:29:12,569
Your Ladyship, pardon my dirty mouth,
1965
02:29:13,070 --> 02:29:15,280
but should one feel like it,
1966
02:29:15,447 --> 02:29:19,159
one should whistle for it
as shepherds do.
1967
02:29:20,994 --> 02:29:25,582
Then they'd better get ready
for a ride, I swear!
1968
02:29:25,874 --> 02:29:30,671
When one has had enough pounding,
one need only say:
1969
02:29:31,046 --> 02:29:34,299
"Whoa there, you greedy beast!"
1970
02:29:34,591 --> 02:29:39,513
In a blink it will pull back,
like a snake in the water.
1971
02:29:39,680 --> 02:29:43,016
Then one does the same
anytime one feels like it.
1972
02:29:43,183 --> 02:29:45,977
And if you're not pleased,
you can curse me!
1973
02:29:46,186 --> 02:29:50,899
A pox on you, peasant,
you have the devil in you!
1974
02:29:53,819 --> 02:29:56,988
I'll just go behind your stall for a bit.
1975
02:29:57,280 --> 02:30:00,992
Then the lady started
to whistle for the tool,
1976
02:30:01,201 --> 02:30:04,997
and the good cock goes
"woosh!" right into her cunt.
1977
02:30:05,080 --> 02:30:08,166
To work it went,
and the lady couldn't be happier!
1978
02:30:08,291 --> 02:30:11,795
As they say: you won't scare
an old hag with a thick cock.
1979
02:30:11,962 --> 02:30:17,342
She was staying put,
like a lamb sucking on its mother's teat.
1980
02:30:17,968 --> 02:30:20,053
She was a fiery one,
1981
02:30:20,220 --> 02:30:23,307
"tight of cunt and hard of hips,
cracks the cock between her teeth,
1982
02:30:23,390 --> 02:30:25,225
she'll ride anything that fits!"
1983
02:30:25,434 --> 02:30:28,020
Finally, once she was well sated,
1984
02:30:28,103 --> 02:30:31,231
she whispered
"whoa there, you hungry beast!"
1985
02:30:31,398 --> 02:30:35,193
The cock went limp and
"splat!" fell to the ground.
1986
02:30:35,819 --> 02:30:39,906
The lady piously picked it up
and kissed it right on the nose.
1987
02:30:41,658 --> 02:30:43,243
Say, man,
1988
02:30:45,746 --> 02:30:48,749
the ones who gave you this crop,
1989
02:30:49,583 --> 02:30:52,711
were they not Christ and Saint Peter?
1990
02:30:53,044 --> 02:30:55,630
They alone could work such wonders!
1991
02:30:55,756 --> 02:30:58,008
What do I know, Your Ladyship?
1992
02:30:58,175 --> 02:31:03,180
God or the Devil, fuck them
all the way into tomorrow!
1993
02:31:03,555 --> 02:31:05,724
Do pardon my words.
1994
02:31:06,391 --> 02:31:09,060
If it is as you say, peasant,
1995
02:31:09,686 --> 02:31:11,813
I believe it was Christ's hand.
1996
02:31:12,063 --> 02:31:13,565
And so,
1997
02:31:13,774 --> 02:31:18,445
I'll buy one as a souvenir
of the year with the harvest of...
1998
02:31:19,321 --> 02:31:20,989
such things.
1999
02:31:21,448 --> 02:31:23,366
It may be a good sign.
2000
02:31:23,533 --> 02:31:25,243
You mean cocks, Madam?
2001
02:31:25,452 --> 02:31:28,706
Eat them whole, since you like
saying their name so much!
2002
02:31:28,789 --> 02:31:33,251
It's how we always speak,
pray forgive us!
2003
02:31:34,044 --> 02:31:38,298
But if it's as you say,
I wonder at God's ways.
2004
02:31:38,548 --> 02:31:39,549
What the hell?
2005
02:31:39,716 --> 02:31:43,303
Has he no better business
than putting cocks on stalks?
2006
02:31:43,678 --> 02:31:48,225
God must have a hell of a cock!
2007
02:31:48,600 --> 02:31:52,479
So, Your Ladyship?
Will you buy one or not?
2008
02:31:53,939 --> 02:31:56,691
How much for that disgusting thing?
2009
02:31:57,150 --> 02:31:59,569
Not everything God sends is a godsend.
2010
02:31:59,820 --> 02:32:01,696
I don't know, Your Ladyship...
2011
02:32:01,988 --> 02:32:05,826
Let's not haggle, 500 lei and we're set.
2012
02:32:05,909 --> 02:32:09,746
500?
Aren't you a fresh one, peasant!
2013
02:32:09,871 --> 02:32:15,794
After I got all sweaty-balled
harvesting these cocks?
2014
02:32:16,002 --> 02:32:21,091
If I don't earn big from patrons like you,
what will poor village women pay?
2015
02:32:21,550 --> 02:32:26,555
They'll want a dozen cocks
for a copper, plus five extra!
2016
02:32:27,764 --> 02:32:29,516
Good lady!
2017
02:32:30,851 --> 02:32:33,728
Be my first client today!
2018
02:32:33,854 --> 02:32:37,274
You'll get a cock
so good you'll thank me,
2019
02:32:37,399 --> 02:32:39,150
and tell other ladies, too!
2020
02:32:39,651 --> 02:32:42,779
Fine, you poor wretch.
2021
02:32:42,988 --> 02:32:45,490
-500 lei.
-My lady!
2022
02:32:49,995 --> 02:32:56,585
Thence, whenever she felt indisposed,
the lady went at it and sated herself.
2023
02:32:56,877 --> 02:33:00,881
Never again did she have
to settle for whatever she could get!
2024
02:33:01,381 --> 02:33:06,928
She had made good
provisions for her old age.
2025
02:33:07,429 --> 02:33:09,806
But one day...
2026
02:33:13,351 --> 02:33:15,687
-God bless, Father.
-Blessed be, daughter.
2027
02:33:15,896 --> 02:33:18,398
I come to drive the devils away.
2028
02:33:18,523 --> 02:33:21,943
Sit down while I bring you some brandy.
2029
02:33:22,611 --> 02:33:26,197
When You, O Lord,
were baptised in the Jordan...
2030
02:33:26,323 --> 02:33:30,660
O Lord, teach me Your commandments.
2031
02:33:30,911 --> 02:33:34,039
And protect this house from all danger,
2032
02:33:34,205 --> 02:33:36,625
for You alone are without sin,
2033
02:33:41,254 --> 02:33:44,883
-When you, O Lord, were...
-Father?
2034
02:33:46,801 --> 02:33:48,595
Giddy-up!
2035
02:33:48,762 --> 02:33:52,098
Go, Silver, go!
2036
02:33:53,683 --> 02:33:54,851
Yee-haw!
2037
02:33:56,478 --> 02:33:58,229
Brr, you bag of bones!
2038
02:34:11,868 --> 02:34:17,415
God, let not thy servant
be the Devil's plaything!
2039
02:34:22,170 --> 02:34:26,132
And so the priest began to yank and pull,
2040
02:34:26,466 --> 02:34:29,886
like oxen when they won't
pull a heavy cart.
2041
02:34:30,011 --> 02:34:31,429
But all was in vain.
2042
02:34:31,596 --> 02:34:35,892
The priest prays,
the priest yells, the priest wiggles,
2043
02:34:36,101 --> 02:34:40,021
but even a priestly frock
is no shield against hard cock.
2044
02:34:44,109 --> 02:34:46,111
Yes, that feels good!
2045
02:34:47,612 --> 02:34:49,072
Yes, yes!
2046
02:34:52,242 --> 02:34:53,535
Yes!
2047
02:34:53,910 --> 02:34:57,497
Now this really has been
a beautiful love story!
2048
02:34:57,872 --> 02:35:02,377
Better even than
Daphnis and Chloe or Heloise and Abelard.
2049
02:35:03,878 --> 02:35:07,674
Of course, I don't condone
anything vulgar or questionable.
2050
02:35:08,008 --> 02:35:09,926
I'm not responsible.
2051
02:35:11,386 --> 02:35:14,180
Now let's go back to my runaways.
2052
02:35:14,389 --> 02:35:16,850
Let's see if I let them escape!
2053
02:36:29,756 --> 02:36:33,051
Dear Dr. AI JUDEX 0.0,
2054
02:36:33,510 --> 02:36:36,554
what would Dracula's
social media look like?
2055
02:36:36,846 --> 02:36:39,682
-I will now exemplify.
-Awesome.
2056
02:36:45,188 --> 02:36:49,442
Too often have you made riches
and power your single aim,
2057
02:36:49,609 --> 02:36:54,948
Too often you brought our nation
to ridicule and shame,
2058
02:36:55,281 --> 02:37:00,120
Too often you mocked the language
and customs of this race,
2059
02:37:00,245 --> 02:37:05,667
That now at last your mocking
does but yourselves disgrace!
2060
02:37:06,501 --> 02:37:10,880
While self was ever the craving
that in your spirits stirred,
2061
02:37:11,089 --> 02:37:16,553
Virtue? Nonsense.
Genius? But a word.
2062
02:37:18,221 --> 02:37:22,684
O, leave in the old chronicles
our forefathers to rest;
2063
02:37:22,934 --> 02:37:27,897
For they would gaze upon you
with irony at best.
2064
02:37:28,189 --> 02:37:34,487
Rise once more, o Impaler!
Take and divide these men
2065
02:37:34,821 --> 02:37:39,909
As lunatics and rogues
in two big tribes, and then
2066
02:37:40,076 --> 02:37:43,329
In mighty, twin infirmaries
by force both tribes intern,
2067
02:37:43,580 --> 02:37:47,750
And with a single faggot
prison and madhouse burn!
2068
02:38:01,890 --> 02:38:03,600
Catch him! He's there!
2069
02:38:12,317 --> 02:38:14,110
Help me, please!
2070
02:38:18,281 --> 02:38:19,825
I must be the one to kill him!
2071
02:38:19,908 --> 02:38:22,744
Mr. Adonis, this isn't fair,
we've all paid.
2072
02:38:22,827 --> 02:38:27,081
Dear lady, we have distinguished
clients here from Austria and the US.
2073
02:38:27,248 --> 02:38:29,792
Let's do it like
Murder on the Orient Express.
2074
02:38:30,001 --> 02:38:32,128
-What do you mean?
-Everybody gets a go.
2075
02:38:32,712 --> 02:38:35,882
Brilliant idea! Everybody will have a hit.
2076
02:38:36,049 --> 02:38:38,551
-Alright then!
-I start.
2077
02:38:39,344 --> 02:38:40,803
Hammer!
Hammer Horror.
2078
02:38:43,473 --> 02:38:44,557
Yes!
2079
02:38:49,312 --> 02:38:50,688
Cumshot!
2080
02:38:52,065 --> 02:38:53,316
Yes, bitch!
2081
02:39:00,615 --> 02:39:02,033
Away from me, Satan!
2082
02:39:02,200 --> 02:39:04,035
Vade retro Dracula!
2083
02:39:07,664 --> 02:39:09,332
You beggar!
2084
02:39:11,751 --> 02:39:13,336
That was fun!
2085
02:39:25,974 --> 02:39:28,184
Wittgenstein has put this epigraph
2086
02:39:28,351 --> 02:39:32,647
of Nestroy's in his
Philosophische Untersuchungen:
2087
02:39:33,356 --> 02:39:35,817
"The thing about progress is
2088
02:39:36,109 --> 02:39:39,570
that it looks much bigger
than it actually is."
2089
02:39:56,129 --> 02:39:59,882
I wouldn't close without
asking our Artificial Intelligence
2090
02:40:00,008 --> 02:40:02,051
for another story.
2091
02:40:02,176 --> 02:40:07,265
Let's dramatise a news story
that best expresses our day and age.
2092
02:40:07,390 --> 02:40:08,641
Hard choice.
2093
02:40:08,766 --> 02:40:12,395
The war in Ukraine, October 7,
the Gaza massacres,
2094
02:40:12,603 --> 02:40:17,317
Trump regime's techno-fascism,
rising inequality...
2095
02:40:17,483 --> 02:40:20,737
-What shall it be?
-Something small.
2096
02:40:20,820 --> 02:40:24,032
Like the true life story
of a street sweeper.
2097
02:40:24,407 --> 02:40:26,326
Very well. Right away.
2098
02:40:27,660 --> 02:40:30,121
Enjoy and farewell, everyone!
2099
02:40:30,621 --> 02:40:32,248
To quote Ion Creangă:
2100
02:40:32,415 --> 02:40:36,544
"Dear reader, you must have
read much nonsense in your life."
2101
02:40:36,794 --> 02:40:39,172
Pray read this one too,
2102
02:40:39,464 --> 02:40:42,383
and if some part does not agree with you,
2103
02:40:42,633 --> 02:40:46,012
take a quill and
put down something better,
2104
02:40:46,179 --> 02:40:49,766
"for I only did the best I could."
2105
02:40:51,267 --> 02:40:56,981
New slice-of-life
2106
02:41:29,305 --> 02:41:32,558
-We can't take this.
-What are you doing?
2107
02:41:33,142 --> 02:41:36,229
Construction waste
isn't our responsibility.
2108
02:41:36,354 --> 02:41:37,438
Say what?
2109
02:41:37,563 --> 02:41:41,985
We don't pick up rubble,
only household waste.
2110
02:41:42,068 --> 02:41:43,695
That's what this is!
2111
02:41:43,778 --> 02:41:45,905
No, it's full of rubble!
2112
02:41:46,197 --> 02:41:49,659
How dare you
look inside my bins?
2113
02:41:49,909 --> 02:41:51,869
They're private property!
2114
02:41:51,994 --> 02:41:56,124
-I'm calling the police.
-Great, they'll fine you!
2115
02:41:56,374 --> 02:41:57,583
Let him be.
2116
02:41:57,792 --> 02:42:02,004
Getting cheeky with me, son?
You know who I am?
2117
02:42:02,422 --> 02:42:06,134
There's a fucking
cubic metre of books between us!
2118
02:42:06,426 --> 02:42:09,178
-Fucking illiterates!
-We're not illiterate.
2119
02:42:09,345 --> 02:42:11,598
-You know who I am?
-No!
2120
02:42:11,681 --> 02:42:14,475
Both my parents were art historians!
2121
02:42:14,600 --> 02:42:17,520
My father was a specialist
in Trecento painters!
2122
02:42:17,645 --> 02:42:19,939
- I can appreciate -
- Hands off!
2123
02:42:20,106 --> 02:42:22,692
...the mystique of Jacopone da Todi!
2124
02:42:24,068 --> 02:42:26,737
The goliardic poetry of Cecco Angiolieri!
2125
02:42:26,863 --> 02:42:28,531
What's he saying?
2126
02:42:28,865 --> 02:42:32,368
Or Poggio's Facetiae! Yes, lady!
2127
02:42:32,493 --> 02:42:34,579
-Poggio, right.
-Poggio Bracciolini!
2128
02:42:34,704 --> 02:42:39,333
I didn't lock myself in the bathroom
with porn magazines, you wankers!
2129
02:42:39,917 --> 02:42:43,629
I took along Laelius de Amicitia!
2130
02:42:55,600 --> 02:42:59,395
Drop me off here,
I'll catch you in an hour or so.
2131
02:42:59,604 --> 02:43:01,856
-What time is it?
-9 o'clock.
2132
02:43:24,378 --> 02:43:27,965
-Told you not to come dressed like that!
-Had no time to change.
2133
02:43:28,090 --> 02:43:30,480
-Everyone will laugh at me!
-I'll stay out here.
2134
02:43:30,635 --> 02:43:31,719
Told you, I didn't -
2135
02:43:31,844 --> 02:43:32,887
Laura!
2136
02:43:37,850 --> 02:43:41,437
O great Impaler, read this letter
About my land:
2137
02:43:41,562 --> 02:43:44,732
The people, in misery tethered,
From hope are banned!
2138
02:43:45,024 --> 02:43:48,152
We are robbed, disgraced,
Scoundrels wearing false masks,
2139
02:43:48,402 --> 02:43:52,657
From our own home we are chased.
What would you do, I ask?
2140
02:43:52,990 --> 02:43:55,701
O great Impaler, from up there
You hear our prayer:
2141
02:43:55,868 --> 02:43:58,996
Send to our country a reply,
Send us your heir!
2142
02:43:59,247 --> 02:44:02,375
For long enough we've been oppressed,
You know it best;
2143
02:44:02,542 --> 02:44:05,962
Until we rise up to this task,
What would you do, I ask?
2144
02:44:06,128 --> 02:44:10,841
So if life is love
And to love is life's aim,
2145
02:44:11,634 --> 02:44:16,556
We are proud of calling
Things by their name.
2146
02:44:16,681 --> 02:44:20,101
-What's the idea?
-My daughter's in the event.
2147
02:44:20,768 --> 02:44:24,146
-Who's your daughter?
-Paraschiv Laura, 3rd grade.
2148
02:44:25,022 --> 02:44:27,024
Never seen me around?
2149
02:44:27,316 --> 02:44:30,403
-No.
-I sometimes bring her to school.
2150
02:44:31,112 --> 02:44:34,240
-Then why don't you come in?
-You know...
2151
02:44:34,615 --> 02:44:37,159
My uniform would embarrass her.
2152
02:44:37,326 --> 02:44:41,664
I didn't get a chance to change,
been working since 5 am.
2153
02:44:41,956 --> 02:44:44,959
So I'm staying out.
Children will be children.
2154
02:44:46,669 --> 02:44:49,547
Her mother's really sick, in the hospital.
2155
02:44:50,548 --> 02:44:53,175
Go further away, by the swings.
2156
02:44:53,384 --> 02:44:56,304
They saw you from the secretary's office,
2157
02:44:56,470 --> 02:44:58,222
the headmaster won't like it.
2158
02:44:58,389 --> 02:44:59,974
Yeah, OK.
2159
02:45:00,850 --> 02:45:02,143
Farther!
2160
02:45:04,395 --> 02:45:09,692
Yes, we have our likes and dislikes,
Yes, we trust ourselves above all,
2161
02:45:09,900 --> 02:45:15,656
Yes, we love peace's white dove,
No, we don't want war.
2162
02:45:16,198 --> 02:45:21,370
Yes, we are the future generation,
Put your ear to the ground to hear...
2163
02:45:21,871 --> 02:45:26,167
What a pleasure,
travelling under falling snow,
2164
02:45:26,417 --> 02:45:30,379
Finding some small hovel,
windows warm aglow,
2165
02:45:30,713 --> 02:45:34,717
As the sled glides past
silver fir tree boughs,
2166
02:45:35,217 --> 02:45:39,221
In the loneliness settling around,
Treetops shine by the sunset crowned,
2167
02:45:39,639 --> 02:45:43,476
The light that pierces the forest air
Coalesces bowers of roses fair.
2168
02:45:43,601 --> 02:45:47,772
But the meager twilight subsides.
Night streams in, wells up in tides.
2169
02:45:47,938 --> 02:45:51,734
Hills rise up, in stillness wrought,
A path branches off to naught,
2170
02:45:52,026 --> 02:45:56,530
On the horizon, a deserted well
Keeps the landscape under a silent spell.
2171
02:45:56,947 --> 02:46:00,576
Awed by omens, your soul recoils,
You feel lost, far from turmoil,
2172
02:46:00,701 --> 02:46:05,122
Travelling on, carrying with you
Something of their sadness and woe.
2173
02:46:05,414 --> 02:46:09,835
Summoned by an arcane will,
Your heart gripped by its lonely chill,
2174
02:46:10,336 --> 02:46:15,925
No one around but your burdened soul
And longings you cannot console,
2175
02:46:16,092 --> 02:46:19,887
For a distant happiness within,
For what was not, but could have been,
2176
02:46:20,054 --> 02:46:22,807
For what was,
and is now forever gone.
2177
02:46:23,182 --> 02:46:24,475
Bravo!
156568
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