Original subtitles

Our dad would never do that with a man or a stripper.

So, tell me more about this happy sandwich. What exactly are the

it like thick, warm beef slices pressed up into red and slightly

rose black?

Sadly, kids, before I get to the happiest part of the sandwich, I still

lot of shit to eat.

Because that was Quinn's plan all along.

Charity. No, no, chast, chast.

Don't claim it.

No, no. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sparkle. Honey, you were just, like, listing the names of my stripper

What are you talking about? I know. Like, if you want to give me some early

Christmas presents, you can give me more rounds, too.

I didn't know I was listing names for our stripper threesome.

You know, the happy sandwich?

You promised me the threesome. We talked about this.

Darling, I didn't say anything about a stripper sandwich.

If you let me fuck a guy in front of you, I'd let you fuck a guy in front of

Right, so what's the problem?

Well, I'm just going to pimp you out with my co -workers and strip of

What?

Pimping? No.

We talked about this. We agreed on this. It's what we want.

Yeah, but darling, you are not looking for a stripper.

You're looking for a unicorn.

A unicorn?

Yes. It's a female. She's single and bisexual. And she's looking forward to

copulate with a heterosexual couple like us.

Without, you know, doing any troubles to relationships or the independent. It's

perfect.

Well, I asked Ted, and Ted said he was down. So how much hunting can there be?

Well, darling, talk to you. You know, most of the women will just not jump in

some relationship and...

you know, risk any troubles or something like that. Right.

That's why you can ask. Oh, no.

I'm not going to creep out my cover record.

So, if you'd like to eat a happy sandwich, you will have to

pay for it with your own plastic card.

Oh, you tricked me.

No, no, no, no, no.

Unless you could have...

I'm right here.

Wow, she totally played you.

Shivers got hustling.

Please, like Quinn said, if I found the unicorn, the devil's threesome wouldn't

count as a trick.

And I knew just where to hunt.

I have no idea where to find a unicorn.

Quinn basically banned me from her strip club. Try the bus stop.

Bet girls there would bang you for money.

There is no glory in picking up a wounded animal.

And besides, I don't need money.

I've got the playbook.

Unicorn hunting isn't like finding the saddest puppy at the pound, Barney.

You're going to need more than your playbook. What do you know about unicorn

hunting? You picked up Marshall at a glue factory.

Hey, I'm with Marshall by choice, not necessity.

Yeah, yeah.

Lily could pound any pussy in this joint. Yeah.

You two are cute.

Very cute.

Oh, yeah?

Do you know what?

I think we should make this personal.

What? What do you propose?

First one to find a unicorn gets five slaps. What?

You're wrong, little girl.

Suck it, pony boy.

Come on, Marshall.

Without Marshall.

Oh, he was just going to slip out.

What's your play match stick?

Just a little thumbing. I like to call the slip and slide.

Slip and slide. That's not in the playbook.

You have a really nice shirt.

Thank you. You know, I've only noticed my topic gets unbuttoned. It's really

nice to get a meaningful compliment for once.

I'm sure it is. Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

I wish it was nice.

Oh, man, I think you were flirting with me.

You know what? I think this is so true.

Oh, my gosh. You have really nice breasts.

Only a compliment unless you've seen a lot.

Well, I haven't, but my boyfriend describes them all the time.

Some people have no social skills.

Kicking your tits out of the bar?

What's next, breastfeeding?

My new dress! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I think this is sick, Dennis. You creep!

What's going on here?

Any burping, eh?

Try another lame -ass move like that again and you won't have a mouth to kiss

your mother.

What is this?

When you call me a sorry, tell him I've taken this right sign.

He was bothering me. Guys, guys.

God, some men just can't behave.

What I love about a man in a relationship, he really knows how to

And the beautiful woman, she's the icing on the cake.

Well, I've never been with a woman before.

Don't worry.

I'll show you everything

These

are

amazing

Thank you.

Come here.

I love you.

So much energy.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, Barney?

Oh, yeah.

He's a general nuisance.

General nuisance.

Uh, three martinis, please, kind sir.

Make that four.

One for each press that I've seen today.

Lily.

What? I am all about double fisting.

Cheers, squad.

Lily, this is great.

And you guys are a super sexy couple, but now that I've had a man and a woman

the same time, I don't think I'm a unicorn.

I think I'm just a confused lesbian.

Uh, a confused lesbian who sucks dick like spaghetti?

It's not about your dick, Marshall.

It's about another woman, one I think I'm in love with.

It was great.

Why are we celebrating?

We lost the unicorn.

Because I'm so good in bed.

I turned the unicorn gay.

A gay unicorn.

Hi, guys.

What are we celebrating?

My sexual prowess.

Did I ever tell you your boobs are like two really exquisite olives?

Come on.

She's had too many olives.

My dad always said, martinis are like breasts.

One is not enough, but three is too many.

That's enough olives and threesomes for you today, babe.

Wait, threesomes?

What? What are you talking about?

Come on, Marshall.

We have Barney's playbook now.

Think of all the unicorns we could be hunting.

We could make them extinct.

I thought Barney a playbook without even asking me if I'm interested.

You're not a unicorn, Robin.

You're a beaver.

A single straight beaver who wants attention.

I'm a unicorn.

I'm not a beaver.

I'm too adventurous for that.

Yeah, sure. Look.

Return this to Barney.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's only faith in his sadly competent

hand.

I'm going to take Lily home before she tries to fuck that bar stool.

Come on. Why would you do that?

Why, Lily?

Hey,

I'm just going to shame you.

Nice beat.

I'm a unicorn.

Get the fuck out of here!

Fever?