Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Demi Adejuyigbe, and welcome to "MTV Cribs."

I live in this chair, so it's gonna be a short one.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- I do very much feel like a slay.

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot,

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

- Part of me thinks I'm one of the Founding Fathers.

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People."

- [Demi] Howdy.

(Demi laughs)

What? Who is this? (laughs)

Oh my god.

This is fucked up.

There's a little loop on my back,

so I can be hoisted up into the air,

which I imagine is something

that will definitely happen today.

Venus flytrap in a weird space musical.

Woo, "Feed me, Seymour."

I'm Father Nature.

It's not a family name, I married into it.

I took her name because I'm progressive.

I'm here to destroy Earth's plant life, your flora,

because I'm jealous.

And the name of my planet?

Earth 2.

We came up with it first!

We didn't think about just calling it Earth.

Fucked up.

(crew laughing)

Don't look at me.

(petals rustling) (upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- [Gregory] Hey, Vic, it's Gregory from Tareka Realty.

A little bit of bad news.

The homeowners rejected your offer for the house.

I think maybe next time,

we should offer more than just exposure,

but we'll get 'em next time, all right?

(phone call cuts) - [Vic] Stop. Stop.

(sighs) We all have a story to tell, and sometimes,

those stories need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please, introduce yourself.

(in a squeaky high-pitched tone) - Hi, kids. It's me, Zinnia.

(pensive music)

You know me,

you love me, you love my show,

and I'm here to teach you everything

that I teach on my own show on Vice's show as well.

- Vice?

(drops voice) - Is it not Vice?

- It's Vic. Yes, kids, that's right,

for a "Very Important People: Kids Edition,"

we have Zinnia to help us introduce all of the news.

- Yay! The news? (sighs)

- Well, it's more of an interview show,

but I'm trying to sort of like pivot it into news

a little bit. - Yeah, what better time?

- Okay, kids, here we go.

You ready? (bright children's music)

- The song?

- I thought we'd do your theme song.

- Okay.

? It's time, it's time, it's time, it's time ?

? To grow up on the video ?

? It's time, it's time, it's time, it's time ?

? Play time here with Zinnia ?

(Vic claps) - Oh, man, that's so fun.

And today, we have an exclusive clip from your show,

so kids watching at home, sing along if you know the words.

- Hi, kids!

Today's topic, we're gonna be learning about math.

Come with me!

? Seven is the seventh number of the system ?

? Of numbers that you got to know ?

? Before that, it's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 ?

? And after that, there's a lot to go ?

? 'Cause you got 8 and 9, and 10 and 11 ?

? And 12 and 13 and 14, too ?

? And 15 and 16 and 17 and 18 ?

? And after that, a whole lot of numbers for you ?

? Like 19 and 20 and 20 and 21 ?

? And 22 and 23 as well ?

- You are doing a frown on your face.

Why are you sad, Zinnia?

- I was told that I didn't have

to do this the whole fucking time.

- Okay, Zinnia, we're live feeding into three classrooms-

- We're live? Why? - [Vic] Across California.

- That was a bad plan.

- Well, you're a children's entertainer.

I thought it'd be nice. - I'm also a plant.

Okay, I've re-rooted.

I'm deep in the ground now.

- [Vic] Okay. - Help me out.

- [Vic] Well, let's unstick you.

And so do we just dig you out?

- Just pull. - Okay, so let me just.

(roots crackle)

Okay, oh, there we go.

Oh, man, that's a lot of soil.

- What? What's that mean?

- Well, it's just kind of a fact.

- You can't say that to a plant.

- Hey, Zinnia, how about I give you the information

that I was given here, huh? - Please!

And can a plant get a fucking cigarette?

- What? What do you mean "Get a cigarette?"

- I wanna smoke a cigarette. - [Vic] No!

And what we mean by that is,

(Vic stammering)

? cigarette, ret, ret retcon ?

Retcon, take it back.

Rewind. Whoop, where are we?

- Are you on drugs right now?

Gimme that shit.

Thank you, my man. - [Vic] No.

And if we can just, maybe one second here, kids.

- I don't know who's watching- - Here we go.

- But this stuff is great. - And just come here with me.

- [Zinnia] You gotta try this, everybody.

- [Vic] And just one second, kids.

- [Zinnia] What the fuck are you doing?

- And you wait right here.

And you wait right here, Zinnia.

- [Zinnia] Who are you talking to?

- And you're gonna come with me for a second, Zinnia.

And we'll be right back. - [Zinnia] We're doing a loop?

Oh this is where the sunlight is?

- [Vic] Don't come back here. Okay.

- [Zinnia] Oh, this feels good.

- [Vic] You need to get it together.

- [Zinnia] What do you mean? - [Vic] Okay?

We are live on there

and I got a bunch of fucking kids in there

and I said, I'm gonna do this live programming.

And this is actually really important to me, okay?

- It's a lot of pressure on me.

Why? It's live? Why would we do that?

- [Vic] Because, I don't know,

you're a children's performer, that's what you do!

I thought it would be safe to put you in front

of a bunch of kids! Listen, I need this. Okay?

- This is fake. This is a fake cigarette.

- [Vic] Gonna be totally honest. We need to chill out.

I just need you to take a deep breath,

'cause I really need this, okay?

- [Zinnia] Why? What's going on in your life?

- [Vic] I'm sort of like getting divorced

and it's going badly and- (Zinnia laughs)

No, don't laugh. - Sorry, nah.

- [Vic] Why are laughing? - We don't do that.

We don't do that as plants.

- [Vic] I need you to chill out.

- [Zinnia] Yeah.

- [Vic] Okay? - [Zinnia] Okay, yeah.

- [Vic] Because I don't wanna say it,

but you're not getting paid

unless you sort of go out there

and you do what you're supposed to do.

So if we can just take it easy.

Oh, hi!

Hello.

And Zinnia coming on back.

We got a really exciting segment here

where we're gonna act out a news story

with Zinnia's famous puppets.

(gentle music)

Zinnia, you picked out a news story

for us to act out with our puppets.

(returns to character voice) - Oh no, mom.

I have a baby because my boyfriend and I decided

to have unprotected photosynthesizing.

- And pause.

You don't do that on your show.

(drops voice) - You said to pick a thing

that's happening in the world.

- No, for the kids.

- I was thinking that this was me

branching outta the kid world.

And now I'm realizing that you want me

to tone everything down again.

- Okay, Zinnia, how can I help you?

- This is confusing.

Which one do I talk to?

- Can we cut the feed for the kids, maybe?

We cut the feed for the kids for a second.

- No, let them see this, let 'em see this.

(bright children's music) Zinnia here!

We're gonna teach you about how to actively communicate

when you have a disagreement with someone.

And maybe the disagreement

is because you're from different species

or because one of you is going through what seems

to be a divorce of some sort.

And maybe that's your fault and maybe it's not.

It doesn't matter who,

but active communication is a way to solve any problem.

- Really good advice actually. - Right?

- Yeah. Maybe we do that.

- [Zinnia] Okay.

- Zinnia, I can see that you're frustrated.

- I am.

- How can I help you today?

- Well, I just feel like I don't have any agency

in this performance you brought me on,

and it feels like you really wanted me as a conduit

to explain things to children

because you don't seem capable of it yourself.

- Well, we sort of went through this with your agent

over and over again,

and your agent asked for a lot of money,

and so most of our season's budget is going

to this interview.

- That's awesome.

I gotta give that guy a raise.

- And scene.

Wow, sensational work.

- Oh, shit!

- [Vic] Okay.

- [Zinnia] I'm in the roots again!

- Do you need the soil to live?

Can I just move some of the soil?

- They ain't tell you shit you about plants, huh?

- Can I grab a shovel?

Do we have a shovel back there maybe?

- Whoa, what? (grumbles)

- [Vic] Can I get a pan, a fly, and a shovel?

- We don't gotta, no, we don't gotta,

we don't gotta do that.

No! No! - What do you mean?

- No, you cut the root wrong, my leg's gonna come off.

I might not grow properly.

- We're not gonna cut the root wrong.

- Oh, what you, you, you've professionally done this before?

- How about a rake? - Okay. A rake is great.

- [Vic] We'll just sort of. Look at that.

- It does hurt, but it's fine.

(Zinnia groans)

Can I plant get some sunlight in here?

- Could we fly in some sunlight?

I don't think that- - Oh!

Oh, yeah! (birds chirping)

- [Vic] Is that better?

- Oh my God, that shit's great!

Where'd you get this stuff?

- I think they opened a window.

- Oh, that shit's hitting. - It's kind of nice.

I was able to, I was able to help you.

- Yeah. - Look like I'm really-

(bright children's music)

You say it all the time on your show.

- Oh! - It's like your catchphrase.

It looks like I really-

- Do I gotta do it in the voice too?

- That's sort of your prerogative.

Looks like I'm really- - Growing!

- That's just wonderful.

We can get a PA to-

- You seem shockingly entertained by things

that are really appealing to only first graders.

- I'm living in a pool house right now

and I don't have a lot of cable

and so I've ended up watching a lot of your show,

and it's meant a lot to me,

which is part of why I wanted you here today.

- Oh wow, that's so sad.

- And we're gonna cut the live feed.

(live feed beeps off) We're gonna cut the live feed.

- Thank god.

- [Vic] Okay, what do you want?

You came here, you didn't wanna do the Zinnia stuff.

What do you want?

- I guess I just want to be seen

as more than just a children's entertainer.

- Okay, well who do you wanna be known as?

- Just Chris Themum. - Christhemum?

- Well full name is Christopher Andthemum.

- Christopher Andthemum?

- Chrysanthemum. - Where did Zinnia come from?

'Cause I wasn't gonna say this,

but you're not a-

- I'm not a Zinnia. - [Vic] Not a Zinnia.

- It's what people would call me

as a child when I got bullied.

- No.

- When I was a bit younger I was a little more flamboyant,

a little more red, and they were like,

(mocking) "Zinnia, the Zinnia's here."

It's also where the voice came from.

Some would say psychologically that I've sort of adopt-

(glass shatters)

- ed the uh, antics of my bullies in order to-

- Did you feel that?

- Hey, can we cut? I'm bleeding real bad.

I didn't even know I got blood like that.

- [Vic] Sort of like aloe almost.

Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Chris? Chris?

Yeah, everybody, stay put, I got this.

Don't worry about that, Chris.

(Chris groans) Can we get some water?

- [Chris] I need help. (water swishing)

Ooh! Oh!

- [Vic] Is that better? - [Chris] Whoa.

Oh! I'm feeling like fucking Grandpa Joe

getting a Golden Ticket.

Jesus, what the hell?

What's in that stuff?

- You got chloroplast everywhere.

- Yeah, well.

- [Vic] Think that's probably

(munching sounds) eating dirt.

I thought that plants sorta of did-

- You don't know a goddamn thing about plants.

- Okay.

- And also, let me just say, we're not all the same, huh?

- Okay, you know what? How about this?

Let's shake it off.

I got some rapid fire questions for ya.

(petals rustle)

(gentle music)

Okay, tell me a joke.

- Shit, I don't know.

You said the kids aren't watching, right?

- No, they cut the feed a long time ago.

And also the teachers are sort of speaking

to our legal team at the moment.

- Alright, so a lily walks into a bush

and it's going, "My stamen is dry as hell.

"Can a plant get some fucking water in here?" Right?

And then a daisy comes outta the bush

and says, "Lily, you're back.

"What's going on?

"You've been gone for so long."

And then Lily's like, "Yeah, I've been gone.

"I've been fucking walking the desert for ages.

"All I just want is for someone

to get my stamen little wet," right? (chortles)

And so they go over to the watering hole

and at the watering hole the Lily's like,

"Hold on, this is all different from how I remember it."

- More of a story than a joke.

- Then on and on and on and on.

The lily and the daisy, they fuck.

- Okay, what are you doing this weekend?

- Um, nothing really.

I, uh...

I don't have a lot of social life outside of the show.

- So you don't really have like friends or a partner?

- (crying) I've been so alone for so fucking long!

- [Vic] Well, hey, you're here now

and I'm gonna ask you another question.

What is your favorite genre?

(Chris sobs)

- [Vic] Oh, come on.

Hey! - I had a wife!

- [Vic] You did?

Where is she now?

- (crying) I don't remember. - You don't remember?

- I like fantasy though. - What do you mean?

- You asked the question, I like fantasy.

- Oh, for your genre. (Chris sobs)

Hey, okay, hey!

No, you're okay. You're okay. (water bottle spritzing)

There we go. - [Chris] Ooh!

- There we go, okay!

- There's no way that's just water.

Lemme see that shit.

- Los Angeles tap.

- Oh, no, then it's definitely not water.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, there's like chemicals and shit in that.

- Right, okay, last question that I ask each

and every one of my guests. - Uh-huh.

- What is the meaning of life?

- Everybody asks everybody this.

Everyone asks me this.

Kids write in.

The problem is, there's not one answer!

You think the meaning of my life

is the same as the meaning of your life?

- That's why- - [Chris] I'm a plant!

- That's why I ask- - [Chris] And you're a person!

- Right. - And you know what?

The meaning of life shouldn't be about

what you gotta do with life,

It's about how you live your fucking life

to the fullest every day.

It's about what you leave behind.

Me, I leave behind 17 children.

- 17 children? - 17 children!

Half of which I enjoy very much.

But the other thing is that I leave behind a legacy

of good children's entertainment.

What do you leave behind, huh?

Another public access television show

that's not gonna exist in a couple years

because the industry is dwindling?

What'd you say?

- It's behind a paywall.

- It's behind a paywall?

- It was $6 a month and now it's $7 a month.

- That's not sustainable!

I'm sick of it!

There's no one good meaning to life!

- Hey, hey, okay.

- There's no one good meaning to life!

There are several ways to live your life!

(vase shatters)

I didn't think that was gonna break, I'm gonna be real.

- Okay, so you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna walk a mile in your roots.

- I don't walk, I stand.

- Let's get a PA to fly in the soil.

- Oh, y'all got more of that soil.

- Here we go.

- Y'all been holding back on me.

- I'm gonna extend the olive branch to you.

- Sorry, what does that mean to you guys?

'Cause extending the olive branch

is a different thing for me.

- What does it mean? - It's sexual.

- Okay. - The olive branch is a penis.

- [Vic] And it's not that.

For this, what we are doing is I,

I'm just really gonna learn what it's like

from your experience.

- That's a very sweet idea, thank you.

- I'm coming to you.

I know you said you got bullied.

I got bullied too. - For what?

- Sort of, you know, I was, I was too popular,

and too beautiful, and people were really upset by that.

- Mm, I don't know.

The tone of your voice says it's something different

We'll figure it out.

- Okay, can we get the water in here?

- Yes! - [Vic] And there we go.

And so here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna go ahead and take these off. Thank you.

- Oh, that's how you make the $7 a month, isn't it?

- [Vic] And they're gonna censor that immediately.

- [Chris] Mm-hmm.

- How do you get into the soil or no?

I wanna do it like you.

(Chris thumps) Great.

- Mario style.

- Okay, so I'm, and,

I got this.

And don't help me.

No need to help me.

I got it.

- You can sit down, they don't want your help.

- Don't make me say no one more time.

Back off!

- This is embarrassing.

You should get them outta there.

- Here we go. Ready?

Hoo!

Mario style.

- No, Mario does it alone, but that's fine.

- Right now sort of what I'm feeling

is I'm just sort of standing in dirt.

- Yeah.

What more could you want?

- Maybe a little more water.

Maybe you gimme a little more water.

Maybe that's a problem.

- [Chris] At this point I would've overdosed.

- On water? - [Chris] Yeah!

This shit's dangerous. Are you kidding me?

- I'm just like, is this what you're feeling in here?

Like I feel like I'm not like feeling anything new.

I'm not feeling any joy and I'm thinking about like,

why am I performing for all of these people

if nobody's performing for me, you know?

- Do you feel like the life that you've created

has been misled by an idea of what you believed

you would be enjoying?

And now that you're in the dirt,

you feel a little like maybe there's a different direction

you could have taken with your life

and you've been wasting a lot of time?

'Cause if so, let me tell you, kid,

that's what I feel every goddamn minute of my life.

- Okay, yeah, well,

I feel like I'm just like not feeling anything right now,

you know what I'm saying?

Like maybe like more water.

Like, let's get that.

Let's get that sun back on.

- You wanna go from microdose to macrodose?

Let's do this. - [Vic] Let's do this!

- But I want you to be prepared

'cause you're about to meet God.

- There we go, yeah.

Come on, more! More!

I feel like I'm not feeling anything, you know?

Feeling like empty inside.

- [Chris] You feel empty inside?

Or you feel like maybe there are thoughts

that you should just be expressing

in order to make yourself feel like you got something in ya?

- Stop yelling at me! - Why?

- You think you're special 'cause you're sad and horny?

We're all sad and horny!

- [Chris] Maybe my sad and horny is the - [Offscreen voice] We're still live.

kind of sad and horny that people should be.

- We're on.

- 'Cause I'm accepting my sad and horniness.

- We're on TV and it's still live.

- What?

- It's still live.

- Oh, is that what that red light is?

- There's 30 homeschoolers still watching us.

(bright children's music)

- (character voice) The the play is over now. - Now.

- Everything we said was a joke.

- It's a joke.

- We're not sad or horny. - Nope.

- We're happy and regulated.

- Regulated. - Medically.

- I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you to be true yourself.

Unless you'd rather be somebody else. Goodnight.

? I'm Zinnia ?

? I'm Zinnia ?

? Don't remember the things that I said ?

? I'm Zinnia, I'm Zinnia ?

? Tell your parents you went to bed ?

? Don't tell them you saw this program ?

? Don't repeat anything you saw ?

? I'm Zinnia, I'm Zinnia ?

? Let's grow together, Let's go to the mall ?

- Hey, kids,

Today I wanna talk about the skill of apologizing.

Now you might have seen some stuff on a TV show

I was on recently.

And even though no one really watches the TV show

and I'm told it's one of the lowest performing shows

that's ever been on streaming television,

I still wanna address my, my actions,

and I'd like to address my actions in a song.

Hit it. (bright music)

? You shouldn't say fuck on TV ?

? You also shouldn't say shit or piss ?

? You shouldn't say damn or hell or cum ?

? Or even some words like ?

? jizz ? (jizz splats)

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