Original subtitles

♪ Men.♪

We got to go.

We just got here.

Yeah, I know, but I got to go.

The sit-down "go."

No, I am... I am tired of being a slave

to your fear of public bathrooms.

Do you know what people do in there?

They go to the bathroom.

Exactly. It's-It's not the seat as much as...

[whispers]: the splash.

You have ruined a lot of things that I enjoy,

and I am not gonna let you take pooping from me.

Oh, fine, but every time you use a public bathroom,

you are putting your ass

against every other ass that has ever been there.

See this guy?

I might as well rub my naked butt all over his.

And he took pooping from me.

Excuse me. Walden?

Yes?

I-I'm sure you don't remember me,

but I used to work for you.

Sorry, I don't remember your name.

It's Nicole, but you'd always call me Michelle.

Right! Michelle!

Yeah. Hey.

How you doing? I-I haven't seen you

around the office in a while.

Yeah, I stopped going in after you fired me.

Oh. Wow.

That is...

Are you here to kill me?

I'm actually trying to get a tech start-up off the ground.

Or as my mom calls it,

wasting 20 hours a day in the garage

and not giving her grandkids.

Let me guess: You're looking for help.

With the company,

not the grandkids.

I mean, not that

I wouldn't want to... with you...

Can you talk now?

I amlooking for help... with the company.

I'll let you know about the grandkids.

Well, I would love to hear about it.

Why don't you call my office, and we'll set something up?

Yeah, when I worked for you, I was kind of in charge

of blowing off the people you told to "call your office."

So you get it.

[laughs]

Look, 15 years ago,

you cornered Bill Gates in a steam room,

and you pitched him the idea for Blungogo.com,

and six months later, you were a billionaire.

Yeah, what you don't know is

that I also got Tased in the nuts

by a security guard named Randy.

Look, I think I have a really good idea.

Everything you need to know is right in here.

Okay. I'll take a look at it.

Thank you.

I didn't even have to get Tased in the lady nuts.

I still might Tase you later.

[laughs]

Oh, it's not weird.

We-we know each other.

I fired her.

I couldn't do it.

We got to go. Now. Now!

What?

This is not a drill!

Code brown! Code brown!

I wonder if I could train him to go in the yard.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men.♪

[panting]

Wow.

Oh.

Yeah, that was fun. [sighs]

Two thumbs up.

Felt like more than that.

Hey, uh, thanks for letting me stay over.

Thanks for letting me stay under.

Mmm.

You know, I've been thinking--

we've been doing this for a couple of weeks,

and I don't know that much about you.

Well, you know all the important things.

My favorite color's pink, my favorite singer is Pink,

my favorite body part is...

Okay, fine. If you don't want to talk,

we don't have to talk.

No, I'm kidding.

Come on, ask me anything.

Tell me about your family. What's your mom like?

Well, she's very, very pretty.

Mm-hmm. Not too bright.

Her boyfriend went to Harvard Law School,

and then broke up with her, because he wanted a Jackie,

and she was more of a Marilyn,

so she decided to study real hard...

Hold on a second.

That's the plot to Legally Blonde.

You saw that, huh?

Uh, all right, I'll-I'll... I'll tell you the truth.

My mom is a beautiful prostitute.

Oh. And my dad,

Richard Gere...

You're unbelievable.

Cut me some slack!

I grew up in a town that didn't allow dancing!

♪ Men.♪

Mm. Good morning.

Actually, it's a great morning.

Somebody gave me a billion-dollar idea.

Oh, you got my e-mail.

You know, with my idea.

The app that helps you find a clean public restroom

anywhere in the world.

I called it "Crapster."

Yeah, as good of an idea as that is,

and actually, it's not that bad,

I'm talking about thought-recognition.

Thought-control computing.

Imagine you want to send a text,

but, uh, you don't want to take your phone out.

Or imagine you want to change the channel on the TV,

but you don't have a remote.

Imagine you're in a strange city,

and you can't find a clean bathroom.

Imagine you're in Italy,

and you have to "arriva-doody."

You know what?

Here is a hundred dollars.

I just bought your idea.

Now, stop talking about it.

Deal. Looks like I am getting that filling after all.

Morning.Good morning.

Oh, hey, morning.

What are you guys up to today?

I don't know. Maybe we'll go to a bar

and let guys buy us drinks

if we're willing to make out with each other.

ALLAN: Wait.

Is-is that a thing?

You and I should run that scam with girls.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's go for a hike in the canyon.

I'd rather stay home and yodel in your canyon.

♪ Yodel-ay-hee hoo-ha! ♪

Come on, let's get some fresh air, hang out.

Just the two of us.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, why not? Sounds great.

[clears her throat] Do you guys want to join us?

Sure.

You can never have too much wood in the forest.

I can't. I'm busy.

Always busy.

I can't remember the last time this one took me anywhere.

Hey, uh, Jenny,

here's a hundred dollars.

Lose him in the forest.

♪ Men.♪

Yes?

Yeah, I'm looking for Nicole.

Are you my new dad?

Excuse me?

It's a joke. Try to keep up.

Who are you?

I'm Walden Schmidt.

Holy Schmidt!

Oh, my God.

Mr. Schmidt, it is such an honor to meet you.

I have a poster of you.

A poster?

Yeah, yeah, check it out.

I made it in college.

WALDEN: Wow. It's, uh...

Wow.

I cut and pasted Laura Dern's hair onto your face.

It's pretty breathtaking, right?

I'm sorry... uh, who are you?

Oh, uh, I-I'm Barry. Barry Foster.

But you can call me "BF," as in your biggest fan.

[laughs]

Walden!

Nicole, hi.

I read your proposal.

I'm interested.

Really?

This is amazing.

This is amazing. [laughing]

Oh, my fan fiction's come true.

NICOLE: Barry,

we talked about this.

Right, right. Boundaries.

All right, here's-here's what I'm prepared to do.

In return for 51% of your company,

and him never hugging me again,

I will back your project.

I don't think I can do that.

Neither do I. [laughs]

Barry!

Okay.

Look, I can't give up control.

This company is my baby.

But I will sell you a minority share

if you agree to work as my product engineer.

Oh, product engineer?

I mean, do I look like Barry?

No offense, Barry.

Did you hear that? He knows my name.

I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you.

Well, then it's a pass.

All right, thanks for stopping by.

No, no, no, come on, this isn't how the story ends.

Hold on. Th...

That's it? No negotiating?

You heard my offer.

There's also a supplemental offer--

uh, best friends for life.

All right, wait. All right, fine. I...

I will... work for you,

but I still need a majority position.

Good-bye, Mr. Schmidt.

What are you, like, some kind of evil Bond villain?

All right... all right, all right, fine!

Deal.

I'll... be your number two.

[clearing throat] Well...

it'd actually be number three, but...

♪ Men.♪

Oh, thank God.

[panting]

I'm coming, Charlie.

I hope you have a guest room in heaven.

You shouldn't feel so bad.

He's in pretty good shape for a guy in his 60's.

He's 45.

Whoa.

I'll be right back.

Ah... uh... do you mind?

Actually... [screams]

Aah! It burns! It burns!

That's because it's vodka.

Who brings vodka on a hike?

Someone who thinks hikes should be fun.

Okay, that's it, I'm packing it in.

I think I saw a mom with a stroller.

I'm gonna hitch a ride back downhill.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't leave me alone with Brooke.

What? Why not? She's great.

Well, here's the thing.

She's-she's... she's always trying to...

get to know me.

That bitch.

She's always asking me these-these personal things.

You know?

"What are your dreams?" "What was your childhood like?"

"What's your last name?"

You are just like your dad.

He'd never open up to anybody

'cause he was afraid of rejection,

so he'd reject them first.

I don't want to reject Brooke.

So, let her in.

If you don't take a chance, you haven't got one.

Do you think I really believed

that a complete stranger would let me live

in his Malibu beach house forever?

No. But I took a chance, and it paid off.

♪ Men.♪

[speaking lyrics]: Everybody get up, everybody get up...

[singing]: ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey... ♪

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, sorry.

Sometimes when I'm writing code,

I get kind of lost in my dope jams.

Well, if you're gonna play music, just play it out loud.

You got it, number three.

♪ Talk about getting blasted ♪

[singing along]: ♪ I hate these blurred lines ♪

♪ I know you want it ♪

[singing along]: ♪ I know you want it ♪

♪ I know you want it, but you're ♪

♪ A good girl ♪

♪ The way you grab me ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout gettin' nasty ♪

♪ Go ahead, get at me ♪

♪ Everybody get up ♪

♪ What do they make dreams for ♪

♪ When you got them jeans on ♪

♪ What do we need steam for ♪

♪ You the hottest bitch ♪

♪ In this place ♪Hey, hey, hey!

♪ You want to hug me... ♪

[music stops]

It was the new guy's idea. I was...

What's that, Barry? I can't hear you

from all the way under this bus.

So, how's the code coming?

Actually, you know, I had a thought.

Um, if we reconfigure this kernel,

we're gonna save a lot of time and money.

Yeah, it's-it's good.

[high-pitched]: It's just, uh... eh, it's-it's good.

Wha-What do you think, Barry?

[high-pitched]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's-it's good. It's good.

Why do you guys keep talking with high voices?

Why do you keep saying, [high-pitched]: "It's good"?

It is good.

Just, you know, for...

mmm... 2002.

Ouch.

I believe the correct terminology in 2002

was, "Oh, snap."

[clears throat] Okay. Um...

you know, I've been... I've been doing this for a...

a really long time,

and I've-I've been really successful.

I know. We studied you in school.

Oh, I get it. You guys... you guys are saying that I'm old?

No. Yeah.

I thought we were going a different way.

Look, I respect you enormously, but...

I got to go with my gut.

Okay. No problem.

You're the boss.

Thank you.

Now, who wants Chinese?

Are you paying? 'Cause I forgot my wallet...

Yes, Barry.

Hey, I got one just like him at home.

Boy, oh, boy, you could cut the sexual tension back there

with a knife.

Think she's into me?

No, not you. Me.

Me and her have had this whole "will they, won't they" thing

going on for some time now.

So it's like a...

Ross/Rachel thing?

Who?

Are those friends of yours?

Oh, God. I am old.

But with age comes wisdom.

[clears throat]

We're gonna do this my way.

What?

Nicole is wrong about the code.

I'm sending you a file. We're gonna rewrite it.

Oh, this is bad.

This is bad.

I'm stuck between my hero

and-and the future mother of my children.

Come on, Barry.

Don't you want to be on a poster with me?

Hop on the eagle, man. Let's soar together.

I don't know. I don't... I don't know.

You know you want it.

♪ You know you want it ♪

♪ You know you want it ♪

♪ I'm a good girl ♪

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪Oh, good. You're home.

I need to talk to you. Oh,

you know, actually, I'm not.

I'm just here for the essentials.

Shower, change of clothes, bag of performance-enhancing weed.

Th-This won't take long.

Uh, will you look at this picture?

Let me see.

Was this taken from the Mars rover?

No, that's my balls.

[groans]

Dude! What the hell?

They've been burning ever since I went on that hike.

Maybe somebody's talking about 'em.

No, I'm serious. What could it be?

I don't know. What, like, poison oak?

I did take a leak in the bushes.

And yet you couldn't go in a coffee shop.

Just look at the picture.

Yeah. Fine. I can't believe I'm gonna...

zoom in on your balls.

I'm not gonna be able to...

Oh, my God.

It's a tick.

What?

You got a tick on your junk.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

What's with him?

He's got a tick on his 'nads.

Huh. I never thought anything could live off Zippy.

♪ Men.♪

I don't see how this is gonna make us more productive,

but I really don't care.

And that is the beauty of pot. [chuckles]

You got work to do, you don't care.

You got bills to pay, you don't care. [chuckles]

You see a picture of your roommate's gonads...

you care.

[chuckles]

But the image is fading.

Yeah, marijuana is excellent.

I don't know why I waited this long to try it.

Wait a second-- you've never been high before?

I wanted it to be special. And now I can tell everybody

my first time was with Walden Schmidt.

Hey, when you tell that story,

maybe throw in a few more details.

[chuckles] Hey, aren't you glad we took a second to relax?

Mmm. Totally.

You know, I kind of forgot the meaning of the word "relax."

Relax, relax, relax.

Oh, God. I don't remember what it means either.

I'm losing my words.

No, this is exactly, exactly

what the commercials warned me about.

Barry, calm down.

Just take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to ten.

All right, I trust you with my life.

You're my best friend.

One...

two...

Oh, my God, we have ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

Hey, man, grab me one!

Mmm, no, grab me two!

I want to make an ice cream sandwich sandwich.

That is an awesome idea.

Are you staring at me or am I just really paranoid?

There's nothing to be paranoid about.

She's on to us. Abort. I repeat, abort.

I hate you.

You don't. You like me.

You know what. Doesn't matter.

Because I have a policy about dating people I work with.

Yeah, but it's your policy, so...

you can break it.

You're the boss.

I am, aren't I?

I guess that makes me the wo-man.

You guys.

I got great news.

Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven.

They'll be ready in five.

♪ Men.♪

You want a refill?

Uh, no, I-I don't want to get drunk.

Oh, my God, did I somehow get you pregnant?

I want to get to know you better,

and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

I really like you. Um...

That's new for me.

Hey, I feel the exact same way.

I've never felt this vulnerable with someone.

You know, when it didn't involve a safe word.

So what are we gonna do?

We can start by being honest with each other.

That's horrible. Hey.

Come on. Let's do this.

Tell me a secret, something you've never told anyone else.

Something is wrong with my balls.

Something like that.

I just... I-I had a tick and I pulled it off

and now they won't stop swelling

and I'm afraid they're gonna explode.

So why are you telling us?

Because Brooke works in a salon.

She waxes people. Maybe she's seen something like this before.

All right, l-let's see.

Oh!

Oh...

Boy, if I wasn't gay before...

♪ Men.♪

[exhales] Check it out, dude.

Where's your other hand in that picture?

What the hell?

Three people can't fit on an eagle.

You-you changed my code.

Yeah. I made it better.

No, you didn't. We went over this.

[chuckles] Okay. Everybody who's made a billion dollars

off their software in this room, raise your hand.

[gasps, chuckles]

Look at that. It's just me.Okay.

Everyone who owns 51% of this company, raise their hand.

[chuckles] Look at that. Just me.

Everybody who's still a little high

and is worried that that's...

never gonna stop, raise your hand.

Crap. That's just me.

Listen, just go

with me on this.

No, I don't work for you anymore.

Okay, look, I know you think you know what you're doing.

But, trust me, you don't.

And I know you think you still work here,

but, trust me, you don't.

You're fired.

[whirring]

Oh, snap.

Look, I-I was just trying to help.

Well, it's gonna take me a day to undo your "help."

A day? Come on. I can undo this in an hour.

You should just... you should just go, dude.

Okay.

Fine.

If that's what you want.

It is.

Barry, it was an honor to fly with you.

Honor was all mine.

At ease.

All right.

Oh, uh, one last thing.

We're done.

I don't work with you anymore.

That's what "you're fired" means.

Good. So this isn't a bad idea anymore.

Can I be fired, too?

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪ Okay. [grunts] Okay.

Um, I just, uh, want to point out that,

uh, due to my engorged testicles,

uh, my penis is not currently to scale,

so...

Yeah, yeah, here it is.

When you pulled out the tick, you didn't get all of it

so it got inflamed. Oh.

[groans]

It's like you're the Hulk,

but only your balls got angry.

You know, this is what relationships are all about.

Watching your girlfriend pull a tick out of your uncle's junk.

Aw. I'm your girlfriend?

If it's a boy, name it Walden.

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